<![CDATA[Give. Live. Hug. - Letters to De]]>Mon, 24 Jan 2022 07:31:54 -0800Weebly<![CDATA[July 15, 2013]]>Mon, 15 Jul 2013 16:57:55 GMThttp://www.givelivehug.com/letters-to-de/july-15-2013
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De,

Apparently Monday's are hard for me... I don't know if it is being back from Mathews, if it is just having to return to routines of work, groceries, phone calls, that the weekends provide me relief from. Even this past weekend that was filled with extra hard stinky work that wore me out completely, has left me today with the emptiness of not having freedom.

While I know that work is incredibly important and not something I can just stop, I enjoy my time outside now, it is where I feel the closest to you, day or night, land or water. When I am outside I can stay away from the sadness of the news, or even the drama of other people, I can be closer to peace. Since the accident I have often thought of shutting my facebook down and just using my blog as communication, but that would not be fair to you or the Give Live Hug Project, nor to the friends that look forward to hearing from me and the only source of communication we have is Facebook. Old friends, New friends, New Old friends and Old New friends ... they are all there and I appreciate having their words of support many coming exactly when it is needed.

But there is a flip side to ever story isn't there Sis, there is the drama, the pettiness, the ugliness, the racism, the hate, the lack of common sense, when I am needing to live in a world full of love and peace, I am surrounded by more hurt, it feels like walls that you just can't break through. I have resorted to skim reading and if key words are present I don't even read the whole status, I have hidden people that I know can be major negative, I have taken measures to protect myself. Some of these people I love and would never delete them, I can still see their posts but on my terms, when I am ready.

I have to find a way to make Monday's better, a way to get through the ugliness of this world any day, but how when one of the most beautiful things that was ever on this earth is now gone...

I have been so sad, and hurt, and just plain beat up and beat down in the last 86 days that I have wondered if I was suicidal because there were moments and hours and days that I just did not want to exist anymore, only to come to realize I am not, that I am just not in any way afraid to die. I know you would beat everyone to me so I could have one of your hugs. Heaven to me is where you are, where your brother is, my grandparents and friends that have gone on before me, I am not one for silver and gold roads much, but if you were there I would take it. I think my point Sis is I miss you... I would still trade everything to have you back, I know this not an option, so until the day I see you again, I will continue to write to you, I will continue to blog in hopes of helping others, I will continue your Give. Live. Hug. project, I will continue to look for signs you are close by and most of all I will continue to talk to you when the stars are beautiful and bright!

Some how slowly maybe this will help Monday's not be so bad...

I miss you so much my sweet girl. I love you!!!

Love
Mommy
]]><![CDATA[June 28, 2013]]>Fri, 28 Jun 2013 14:19:04 GMThttp://www.givelivehug.com/letters-to-de/june-28-2013
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De,

I miss you sweetheart... I miss you in my life... I miss your silly laugh.. your way of making anyone smile even when they are upset. I need you right now, so badly..

My life has changed so much since the day you left, I am not who I was, I don't know if I ever will be, and now people think I am crazier than I was before. Of course I am crazy.. my daughter my beautiful fun life filled daughter is GONE! My sweet girl who would encourage me to just ""screw 'em mommy they don't mean anything go run your run.. do your thing.. I will do it with you.. we don't need that". My beautiful daughter that was supposed to be here to WATCH me run the Storm the Beach, is gone.. instead the night before I sat through your graduation and watched as you didn't walk across the stage.

Now I am being pulled down by people I thought were friends... people I trusted.. part of a support group I returned to this beach for. It took three... now I don't want to be here, I don't feel comfortable. I feel like everyone is watching me waiting on me to crack, and now some are pushing for it. I don't curse at people... I certainly try not to be disrespectful, but I don't even have the stability to stand up for myself anymore. I tried, Sis.. I did.. I tried to explain that somehow someone misunderstood and then more and more I was pushed around and kicked down on things that didn't happen. I know you De... I know you would have been there saying "Mommy.. they aren't worth it! You know the truth.. you have proof of the truth... now lets just go beat them in the race."

It's days like this that I just want to be with you, away from the hate, the hurt, the evil. Where things are happy and peaceful. I know you don't want this for me or any of your family and friends.. I know that, but it is happening, and I don't know how to stop the sadness. The things that used to make me feel so good and accomplished make me feel weak and ashamed to be doing them without out you. The medals that I so carefully hung of the miles I worked for.. mean nothing. They are from a time that was worlds away.. a time that you would make posters saying GO MOMMY! Or when we ran together.. or when I was yelling don't you dare give up on me now. Now they are reminders of things that won't happen, of races we won't run together, bootcamps we won't be at for graduation. I can't stand to look at those now.

I am rambling baby I know this.. I am sorry.. I just miss you so.
Hug your brother for me baby..
I love you
Love
Mommy
]]><![CDATA[June 20, 2013]]>Thu, 20 Jun 2013 11:38:55 GMThttp://www.givelivehug.com/letters-to-de/june-20-2013
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De,
In two hours and 1 minute it will have been two months since you have been gone. I don't understand how it is possible, I don't understand why, I don't even understand that it is real I don't think. I look at your graduation picture and it is like I could just reach out and touch you and hear you, it doesn't seem to be a photograph, I know my mind is playing tricks on me that my heart wants it to.

You should be popping in the door any minute as your shift was over at 7, I wonder what you would say, "Hi Mommy?" "I'm Tired"? "It was a crazy night?" I wonder if you would go hang out with Mariah on the beach today, if you would go to Corolla or she here. She came to see me yesterday De... and I gave her that first Twilight book we shared, until you made me buy you another.. so now she and I both have one you read... I couldn't part with the one that had your name in it.. not yet. Maybe one day I will trade with her, but not today. Funny thing.. both of them were on your book case.

Then again you never could get enough Twilight. Do you remember the day I picked you up from school and had you called to the office? When you got there I had "the look" all the way out to the car you kept saying "what did I do?? WHAT did I do??" and I wouldn't answer. After getting in the car I thrust the folded papers at you and in the sternest voice I could muster I said.. "You made me do THIS!" I think your hands were shaking as you unfolded that paper in your hands only to find out they were tickets to the first Twilight movie on the night it came out and I had picked you up early so we could do dinner first. I wish I could make you that happy one more time.

I am headed to Mathews today, you know why, nothing else needs to be said and you did your job and I am proud of you. I asked and you answered... I heard and saw you loud and clear! Thank you for that. I am taking the SUP with me, it's on the car, you would have loved that, I can see you laughing now and me trying to take that down or put it up..  Don't worry I have a plan I am going to park in the yard so if I drop it, it doesn't hit concrete. I can't wait to get out there on the Bay and just float on it a bit and look at the sky and day dream of you. I wonder where you are almost all the time, I mean I know you are in heaven, but what are you doing, are you talking to Memo.. is she telling you things you didn't know... is Bygar telling you the "secret" to her spaghetti sauce... is Dustin skateboarding and you watching?? Is Melanie trying desperately to explain what "up the road" or "go on a fit" means to you with much frustration of a generation gap. Are you peeking down at me writing this letter, or at your Grandaddy as he goes to get the paper with out Banx. Will you catch a ride on the wings of a dragon fly this weekend and allow me to glimpse you. (please dragon fly.. NOT a horse fly).

I want to see you trying the SUP, I want to hear your laugh as you master it before me, as you hop right up like it isn't anything because you aren't afraid to fall like I am. All these things aren't possible Sis... not now, not right now. There will come a time when we will be together again, they say that time in heaven isn't like here and that a 1000 years on earth is like a day in heaven. I hope that is true Sis...for you, I don't want you missing us this badly, I don't want your heart to ache to see your friends and family as we long to see you. I pray that where you are is what Grandaddy says and that I should think of my happiest memory and multiply it by the biggest number I could think of and that is what heaven is like.

At moments time still stands still, I still find my self standing in that road with you laying there and Grandaddy holding your hand, no one letting me close to you, I think if I just fight harder to get to you that I could have had those last moments holding your hand. I know you were gone but I still didn't fight hard enough.. I should have, just to hold your hand. Just so you knew I was holding on to you with everything I had in me. Just so you knew I loved you and would miss you terribly with you gone. I didn't get those last moments and that is my fault... I didn't fight. Even in my mind when I fight harder I can't make the end different, I can't ever get to you in time, I get stopped and I can't hold your hand.

Sis... I am going to close now, I just need you to know I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU AND I LONG FOR THE DAY I SEE YOUR BEAUTIFUL SMILE AGAIN!

My love flies to you and your brother on the wings of angels.
Love
Mommy
]]><![CDATA[June 17, 2013]]>Mon, 17 Jun 2013 14:39:11 GMThttp://www.givelivehug.com/letters-to-de/june-17-2013
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De,

Today was your move in day, the day you said you were moving back, the day that we said we would be packing up things to put in the attic so you could have all the space you needed in your bedroom. Today was to be the day you started work. Today turned out to be the day that I unpacked the last of the things from Ganee's that were part of your life; your name plaques that I so carefully painted and decorated when I redecorated your bedroom for your birthday as a surprise, your favorite books, (I think by the time I am done reading those I will know all I need to know about vampires), your crab claws from the play, your phone, your ipod, all the bunnies that I picked out for you over the years for your birthday until you were too old and wanted money. They are all unpacked Sis, the tiny album I hand made for you with special photos and captions I wrote so you would know how much I loved you, your JV and Varsity letters from school for cheering and drama... a bunny I put your coming home from the hospital dress on, a photo of you and Lil Dustin with your hats and shirts saying Angels, the irony is almost too much to bear, your graduation cap that was so beautifully painted by Sabrina, your cast from when you broke your leg. All things that I saved that one day you might want to show your kids or friends.

All unpacked ... all put away.. on display from birth to graduation. That's it De... no more memories for me to place in your cabinet, no more mile stones for you to reach, there will be no engagement photos, wedding photos, college graduations, babies, vacations, trips with friends.... there are no more new memories... just the past that is all I have left to cling to. So many times you see sayings about letting go of the past so you can move on with your life, let go of the past it is behind you move forward. I can't quite see doing that Sis... the past included you, and I can't invision my life without you and I will not, I refuse to let go. That may mean I go through the bad days a lot more than other people, I don't know, we will see. I can't let go of the only image I have of the scene... I promise it is the worst imagine. I can't let go of the last time you hopped out of the jeep after carrying that stinky cabbage... (wonder why Ganee thought I liked cabbage so much) I hold on to the sweetness of your tiny little voice saying "I love you Mommy", I hold on to our silly conversations on facebook and you pointing out that you were my only daughter. I will hold on to these things forever.

I am not at a place to move on, or move forward, I am at a place I need to hold on to these things as tightly as I can out of fear of losing the only things I have left.. the memories of you. There are no new memories of your life flooding in, no work schedules to work out, no cars to swap around, no beach trips to make.... only the memories already made. I feel ashamed and guilty when I make new memories without you, when I try something new that you never will, when I attend a party that I know you would have had a great time at, the follow days or hours are dreadful. I cry when I think of my birthday this year... who is going to make my cake.. and make it with dark chocolate because you know that is healthier (hahaha).

I miss you so much De.. this is NOT the way your graduation was supposed to go, this was NOT the way that move in day was supposed to go... this was NOT THE WAY LIFE was supposed to go!

I love you, please look over us all... and keep sending the dragonflies, white lights, and shooting stars... I see them baby I do!
I love you so very much.
Love
Mommy
]]><![CDATA[June 2, 2013]]>Sun, 02 Jun 2013 13:23:20 GMThttp://www.givelivehug.com/letters-to-de/june-2-2013
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De,


I woke up this morning sad and missing you.  Not that I don't everyday, today was just overwhelming. I wanted to cry and couldn't. I wants to call you and couldn't. I wanted to text you and couldn't. 


Yesterday was a good day. I spent the day on the beach with Amanda, Ganee, Aunt B, Carol Ann, Cindy, and others... It was a beautiful day and you would have been so proud. I hopped in three times and didn't even have to be drug in or someone holding my hand. Drake even came down and hung out, it was great. Came home to a home cooked chef made Pad Thai you would have loved, after my evening crash that is. I swear it is weird, it's like my brain and body can only handle so much then ZAP I am out cold for an hour. I wold blame the meds but they are supposed to be helping with that so who knows. 


You would have had a good laugh with us about the lady on the beach who's boobs weren't exactly held in her ... I can't even call that a shirt... More like two strips of material with a string. We were all anxiously waiting on them to pop out. No such luck. 


Today I woke up missing you terribly and just wanting to stay in bed.  I had no where to go or to be at any certain time so it was possible. I could have just hid all day like you used to after night shift. Close the blinds. The door. And just pretend the world outside was gone.  That's how I feel sometimes Sis... That the world outside is just gone. Maybe because it is so different now, that it seems that the world as I knew it is gone... I don't know I just know that I feel different, lost, and empty. How can someone surrounded by so much love and support feel so utterly hopeless and alone??!! 


I know it is not fair to the boys... Isn't it strange Sis, when my friends had matching children, they would say "my boys" or "the girls" I always said "the kids" and wondered what it would be like to say the girls or boys.... As I am sure they wondered what it would be like to say "the kids". Let me tell you it sucks. I also thought to myself how this conversation would go... Meet new person, conversation starts...

Them: how many children do you have?

Me: 5

Them: oh what age and what do they do...

Me: Navy, College, Angel, Angel, High school

Them: blank stare 


How do I have a conversation about my babies and leave two out, how do I talk about you and not floor the other person. This isn't fair Sis. Not at all! I should be telling everyone the stories of all if you succeeding in your futures! Not that I now have two who are as you wrote so many times in your notebooks "Forever Young" and angels. 


I miss you so much... So so much.. 

I'm going to try to turn this day around now... To miss you in happy ways, to see you in the birds that are singing, the gentle breeze that is blowing, and the dragon flies... 


We will be together soon my sweet girl.. 

I love you.

Mommy

]]><![CDATA[May 30th, 2013]]>Thu, 30 May 2013 12:58:17 GMThttp://www.givelivehug.com/letters-to-de/may-30th-2013De,

It's the first weekend I have a choice, the first weekend that I could stay in OBX if I wanted. I keep telling myself that you aren't there in Mathews, that you are everywhere, but some part of me is drawn back there every chance I get. Heck De I don't want to leave when it is time.
I have resolved the fact that for two years I need to stay here for Drake, he has made his life here, football and school, so taking him back to Mathews now would be a huge step in the wrong direction. But he is out of school, he is finished, he passed. We could be on the road by 2 if I worked straight through. I am going to talk Drake when he wakes up.

I know it is all a little bit crazy and a bit to late but I still haven't found that place, the one place I feel closest to you, the one place that I can just be still with you in my thoughts. Everyone says you are with me everywhere, and that I am not alone, well I FEEL alone. I keep trying to feel you, to sense you, to hear you... and I feel lost, sense and hear nothing. I have gone in all three of your bedrooms, you aren't there, I visit you at St Paul, you aren't there, I can't find the spot you are.

I want to believe that it doesn't matter where I am, you are. I want to believe that so badly it hurts, because I don't see it, I don't feel it. I want to believe that you tripped me up just to make me smile, that your presence was in the dragon fly that caught a ride on my finger for a mile and a half yesterday. That you were trying to tell me "I am here... I am here .. but at times I need to fly away!"

Life still hasn't moved on for me Sis. I can't make my heart believe you are gone, like really truly gone and not coming back. How do I make my heart believe that? How do I make my heart believe I will never hear that laugh again, see that smile again, or even that frown cause I ticked you off again. Who is going to come bebopping in my door without a care in the world talking about this and that and rambling about stuff that I don't even know about just because you want to ramble.

WHO IS GOING TO BE SIMBA???
Yes Sis there is as good chance I am losing my mind. That I am not holding it together so well here, but I am trying. I know if I stay here this weekend that what I will end up doing is locking myself in the house. I am still just not ready for people people. It is the act of going out and putting on that fake smile, and pretending that I actually want to be somewhere that is completely and utterly EXHAUSTING! There are really only 3 places I have found any comfort at all, I just have to chose where that will be this weekend.

Sis I need people to understand, that I love them and I appreciate them, but I am not comfortable around people, lots of people, few people, a couple of people, people I am not super close to. I have a hard time following conversations and get lost in my own thoughts really quickly and it turns into an embarrassment for all involved as no one knows what exactly to do. I rarely laugh, or smile, and everyone has this sense of urgency to get me out and going and doing this and that and the other.. when the truth is I can't. Those things are still part of the unreality of this for me. How can these things, movies, beach trips, bands, dinners, shopping trips, BE HAPPENING when part of my world ended. How can they laugh and carry on and act like a huge part of this universe is gone?? Then I remember it isn't a huge part of their universe it is a huge part of mine.

Yesterday I read a post online on one of the sites I frequent, and Pastor Betsy talked to me about the same thing so I think you are trying really hard to get that message to me. What if it were reversed, what if it was me that was taken that day? What if I was gone and had left you, your brothers and grandparents to carry on after my death. What would I want to see for you? I would want to see you happy and healthy and carry out any of your dreams you desired, I would want you proud of your graduation and accomplishments, I would want you to be proud of the mommy you had even if I wasn't the best in the world, I would want for you all the things that I didn't do right and all the things I did. I would want to you to live your life and be you and spend your time giving to others.

As simple as it is to write that those are the things that I want for you, I can imagine they are close to the things you would want for me, but I can't muster the happiness to fulfill them. The regret and guilt and grief is just truly too much. There are so many what if's what if I hadn't do this, or what if I had made you do that. They all play through my mind constantly. The scene, I can't get it out of my head, because it seems as soon as I have what I think it is right in my head something else comes to light and changes it, the clothes you wore, how you got out of the car, how badly or unbadly the car was damaged, all things that play into what exactly happened that day. I play it over and over trying to get the pieces to fall into place like some movie that was cut up that I am trying to tape back together to play correctly.

I am constantly thinking of your last thoughts, were you scared, did you have time to be, were you hurting, were you amazed at the sight of heaven, did it frighten you to realize you had left your body? Does it hurt you now how sad we all are? Do you live knowing that it will be ok soon and we will see each other again? There are so many questions that go through my mind I don't know what to do with them except write them down.
Someone recently told me that keyboard to screen did not have the forethought or the elegance (my word not theirs) as pen to paper, that may be the case but my brain flies so fast that the only way I can get the words out fast enough is by typing. What you get from my typing is pure raw emotion, pure raw thoughts, my pure raw love, and if that can't be seen through my words, then I apologize. These are my outlets and they are what I need to get through. Some of it may be tough to read a times I am sure, but these are my thoughts and feelings to you sis... I wouldn't want them edited, nor a great amount of thought put into "should I say this or should I say that?" I just go. It is just a difference of opinion on the topic, neither right nor wrong. Just an explanation of why the post and letters are so rambly at times, my brain is just getting out what it needs to.

I have to say that it kinda shocks me that the people I thought would be reading your blog and letters the most don't, but that is ok.. because really I suppose they are between us anyway.

I know exactly what you would be saying right now.. behave yourself, angels aren't supposed to talk that way.

What I am saying.. is I miss you.. I love you.. and I STILL don't know how I am going to keep going without you. As you so graciously reminded me shortly before the accident.. you were my "only daughter". My heart is in a bazillion pieces... and if all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put that big old egg back together who the heck is going to put ME back together?
I am going to shut up now Sis.. I love you, hug your brother.
My love flies to you both on the wings of angels.

Love
Mommy]]><![CDATA[5/25/2013]]>Sat, 25 May 2013 11:00:37 GMThttp://www.givelivehug.com/letters-to-de/5252013De,
We did it! Your page www.facebook.com/givelivehug made 2000 likes tonight. I will say that my feelings are much like Grandaddy's, wish we didn't have a page to make or 2000 people who are reading your story this way. We wish we could just have you back. We would do anything to change what happened on that Saturday morning. Anything. You were so loved. So very very loved.

I spent some time with Anita, Mariah, Kenda Jo, and Angela today. We all have a few of your favorite things and things you last touched or wore. I think it makes us all feel a little closer to you. It felt as if you were guiding us to make the right places for the right things. I cleaned up your room at Ganees this weekend too and I did my best to do what I know you would want done. I know the things you didn't want found and I promise it's all ok. Mommy has them and they will get where they will belong.

I won't lie to you...it has been heartbreaking. Emotionally and physically draining. I shouldn't be going through your things, it feels like I am snooping through your personal items which is just not something I liked to do. I promise you every note I found I neatly put them in a box and they will only be given to the other writer. They aren't my business, what was my business was finding your coke blanket I bought you last Christmas and Mariah letting me know you would fight for it because your Mommy had given it to you and it was your snuggly. I think of how many times we fought over the snuggles while we watched silly shows on TV. Teen Mom? Really De did you have to get me hooked on THAT one??

I found your books at Ganees and while some aren't ones I got into reading before I will be reading every word of them. Just to absorb more of your thoughts. I remember us fighting over the Twilight books and who would read it first! Much like Dustin and I with Harry Potter. We finally got to the point we had to buy two at a time! I miss you so much my sweet angel. I often wonder are you here with me. Are you close by? Are you in heaven rejoicing not knowing the grief we have? Do you have to witness the sadness? I wonder what heaven is like and if I will be there with you soon and that your time frames don't work like earth and to you I will be there in minutes not years. What if I grow old and look different will you know me?

This weekend did not go as planned at all. I had no intention of cleaning your room and choosing the ite,s that I would like to keep. How does one do that, I simply wanted to say. Don't touch anything! These are hers! She will need them. But I know that is irrational. I wanted to pack it all and just take everything with me. Even the empty salsa jar.. Yea I found that sis. But I knew it was unrealistic and that some of the items I was finding needed to find their way to their new owners. Places I knew you would want them to give the people in your life comfort.

Because of the change in plans and touching your things,favorite things I know you loved and cherished it completely has thrown me in a tail spin. I broke plans that I had, I went to a family gathering and couldn't have fun, no matter how good it was to see my "other family" celebrating. But a birthdate you will never have rendered me into an evening of sadness. I hope my mood did not bring anyone down. I haven't spent enough time with my friend this weekend I know this is hurting him too. Sometimes I feel like such a burden. The big elephant in the room that can't smile that no one knows what to do with. I pray he will have patience with me as I sort through these days without you in it. I keep promising things we get back to normal soon I just don't know what normal is. I do know enough I will do what it takes to figure at least that part of my life out, because he deserves to be happy too! I hope he knows De, how much he means to me and can hang on just awhile longer as I sort through my sadness.

I love you my sweet beautiful girl!!!
Mommy]]><![CDATA[5/23/2013]]>Thu, 23 May 2013 19:33:54 GMThttp://www.givelivehug.com/letters-to-de/5232013De,

Headed to VA today to see your play. Anita Cecil, Ganee, Stephanie H. Rowe, Mariah Jowers, and Grandaddy are all going. I know this will make you happy and you will shine your rays of love down on us all as we share this experience together.

I went back to the Dr today and well.. we don't need to go into detail about that, you already know the outcome but for you, for Phyllis Marsh and for the sanity of all of those around me I will listen. for TWO weeks. They have two weeks to prove to me this is the right course. You know how I feel about these things...

I have to spend some time this weekend picking out photos for the year book.. this breaks my heart. Please help guide me to chose the ones that you would want.

My heart still breaks that you will never answer these letters but it is one of the things that keeps me sane, an outlet for my words of love to you. It is getting closer to graduation and the day that Mariah would be bringing your happy little self down to the beach. I haven't had that heart to speak to the lady at Food Lion yet. Your aunt did that for me, they were heart broken. I hope you see how many people loved and cherished your life.

I am grateful that YOU lived every day, every minute to the fullest. You never let anyone or anything hold you back from YOUR dreams or wants and desires. Even when I wasn't thrilled about them I am so grateful now that many times I gave into your "But Mommy!!!"  

I also remember the day that you saw my fierce love for you first hand. Do you remember that De? The day (we shall call him that boy) that boy followed you around the beach? The day that when I got there he was laying on YOUR beach towel, the day I told him that I felt it was best that he carry his self back where he came from. He told lies that day De... three.. three different stories. But your Mommy took care of it, I would say it is safe to bet that he never spoke to you again. This Mommy Lioness was protecting her baby Simba.. I wasn't a crazy parrot that day was I Sis! Crazy maybe but I had no fear. I was going to take him down to protect you.

I know you questioned some of the things I did, some of the things I didn't want  you doing. But it was for protection De. My parents did the same thing. Granddaddy had to chase a boy away from me too. More than once but I know now as I am sure you do that it was out of protection.

If only I could have protected you one more time. Been there to just say Sis, where is your seat belt, or even thrown the mom belt across you, as so many parents do, the outcome could have been different. I would have thrown myself in front of you if it had meant that you would live. That is what a mothers love it about. Pure sacrifice of themselves and their feelings and physical being to protect their babies.

I know you are rejoicing with Jesus, your brother, great grandparents and friends (new and old) but I can't help but wish you were here with me. I long for the day that I can be with you again. To hold your hand and to sing our very off key Lion King song.. I wonder if Jesus will be offended at your desire to be King.

Look over all of us this holiday weekend my sweet angel.
Hug your brother and tell him I miss you too!
My love flies to you both on wings of angels.

i love you
Mommy]]><![CDATA[5/22/2013]]>Wed, 22 May 2013 17:34:12 GMThttp://www.givelivehug.com/letters-to-de/5222013De,
You tried. I am so sorry that what you wanted didn't happen. You will be honored regardless simply for the wish of your unselfish final gift. If I could change it, I would, if I could bring you back, I would.

You can, however, bet on a couple of things, one, I will NOT let the Deanna Hug project fail! I know now that if you had only had it on that you would be here with us right now. Granddaddy went today to the car, I didn't mean for him to see it but he decided to, and the damage was to the other side. I don't understand why you didn't have it on! I never will. I am not angry at you honey, I just don't understand. I will raise awareness and scream and shout to anyone who will listen the complete and total NEED to have it on EACH AND EVERY TIME! It takes 2 seconds to save a lifetime of pain and grief. TWO SECONDS.

The other things is organ donation, Ganee has that one under control. There will be a greater awareness raised in regards to time frames and protocols needed when a person is an organ donor. I am so sorry that the Medical Examiner was too busy to come to you when they were called. Had they made it sooner maybe your final wish would have happened. While I HATE that I am even aware of this issue, I will do my best to ensure that others don't feel the added pain of knowing their loved one was unable to help others, due to lack of procedures or the fact that someone was at a picnic. There should be back ups and policies. There aren't any in little small towns like ours. We are an after thought to the big places like Richmond. I am so sorry my sweet girl.

I know you know that Drake and I graduated from Bootcamp this morning. The only thing missing from our photo was you. I had you with me, your heart, right where it belonged right next to mine. I made you my honor graduate, the day you left us, my angel honor graduate that will keep me going even when I don't want to go. As I look on my arm at the new bands given to me today it serves as a reminder for me not to give up. I know you wouldn't want that. Drake did so good honey, you would have been proud of him. He went when I couldn't, he encouraged me to go when I could, but he never stopped. Even on the days he didn't sleep so good the night before he carried on and went. He has been a rock, a steady right there when I needed him. Just the quiet "Mom, don't cry" that he whispers to me at times remind me that you taught him compassion well. There was a time he didn't do so good in that department, but you always had a kind and soft word for those who were hurting, He couldn't have learned it from anyone but you.

I love you so much my sweet angel and I am so so sorry.
Until I see you again.
Mommy]]><![CDATA[5/21/2013]]>Tue, 21 May 2013 17:32:54 GMThttp://www.givelivehug.com/letters-to-de/5212013De,
Today I called Lifenet in hopes they can let me know who you were able to help. You were so giving I pray that people will be healing from the final gift you left behind as you left us here. I know you would want me to not be as sad as I am and I am trying my beautiful girl I am trying. I am haunted by the the last facebook you sent me, "I love my life, family and friends too much.." those words will forever be etched in my memory as I know you did. You LOVED your life, you LOVED your family and you LOVED your friends. Because you were so full of love for us, it is an even greater loss for us. We LOVED you too and want you here with us.

I suppose that is a selfish thought, but as Sally (that is what I am going to call my person that I talk to.. Sally.. no it isn't her real name but it is fitting for reasons few will understand) put it yesterday, the issue is you are my baby, and while I didn't need to know where you were every second of the day, I knew where you were. I knew you were safe with one of your Mommies... now as much as I want to believe you are in heaven and safe and happy and surrounded by those that loved you before they even met you it is hard for me. Reality is hard for me, tangible is hard for me, so how is the unseen supposed to be an easy belief or a comfort.

Even in the times I couldn't get in touch with you, I knew I could call numerous other people and KNOW you were ok. There isn't a phone number for me to call anymore.. there isn't a person I can check in with. I want to believe you are soaring with the angels, and laughing at my dumb self and all of the things I am forgetting and tripping over because my mind is in just a different place.

For days I thought to myself.. no knows how I feel.. no one. Then one by one friends, and family, crept into my mind.. Christal, Kathy, Anita, Bert, Pam, Debra, Leslie, Sue.. the list goes on and on and I realized that they too understood how this horrible feeling is life altering and uncontrollable. What I did not realize then was the number of people I would meet that's feelings identically mirror mine. Oddly Kaitlyn's mom is writing a blog too. Kaitlyn was just a few years older than you (23) when she ended her sadness by taking her own life just a few short days before you left us. Three times in two days now things I wrote on my blog or commented to her Mom personally mirrored identical feelings. While the means we so different the outcomes are the same. Our beautiful daughter's are gone. We can no longer hold you, comfort you, or cheer you on. We are left with these emotions that need to go somewhere. It is odd that we both started blogs of our grief and have both publicly posted letters to our daughters on Facebook.

I, like her, feel that there is a connection in writing these letters publicly, why i don't know, maybe it is so that some other mother will one day not feel so alone. Or maybe it is so that some child understands that their Mommy will miss them terribly if they are gone. I can't answer the question, i just know that for some reason I feel like the words are getting to you. Maybe it is because all of your friends and family now are part of you as they carry on your legacy of life. Give. Live. Hug. maybe it is that I am hoping to reach out to some stranger and letting them know, hey it is OK you aren't crazy for writing a letter on Facebook. I seriously don't know. But I do know that it feels right. The blog and the letters they feel right, so for you readers that do think this is a bit odd or to personal, I am sorry but this particular journey is not about you.

De, if heaven works the way I hope, find Kaitlyn today, give her one of your hugs and let her know it is from her Mama and kitty.. she had a kitty too! Her mom is taking care of it just like I am taking care of Kittems. I miss your beautiful smile baby girl.

I just thought of something.. years and years ago.. you were only two or three. I held you in my arms and sang Browned Eyed girl to you (yes i skipped over the weird lyrics..) You just laid there and let me rock you. I am not sure how that happened as you were in constant movement, but I remember. You will forever be my Brown Eyed girl baby.

Mommy Loves you.
Mommy]]>