Today could open up doors that I have been waiting on for so long now. I know that I have had many prayers, lots of fingercrossings, some serious Jediing, and good juju thrown at this. Today could potential be the day that has all of the answers. Care to help me rally dreams, prayers, hopes and wishes?
This is an angel cabinet, not everyone has one of these but I do. It holds.. belongs... personal affects.. stuff.. things.. treasures of my angels. From little Dustin, to Deanna, Grandparents... Charlie. Its all in there. It has grown dramatically with the addition of Deanna's things as I could not bare to part with much of anything. Yes there are even some articles of clothes.
It is starting to feel like an anchor that is holding me down in grief and sadness. I don't have to even look at it and I know it is there weighing me down. Holding me in a place that wants to believe that she is going to one day walk through the door and say.. "Mommy! You kept my things! Thank you!" That isn't going to happen. No matter how much I pray and wish and hope, she's not coming home.
I have made a decision. When I move, which I have all faith and belief that the move is happening soon, the cabinet is not going with me. While I am not handing out the items stored in the cabinet to be sold off in a yard sale, or boxing them up even, they will no longer reside in the same space as me.
It's time to let go of some of the pain.
I wish I could be that person that believed with every fiber that it was going to be ok, that everything would be alright. The death of my step son and daughter ultimately decided that nothing would ever be alright again and the sadness, grief, pain, disbelief has forced its way into ever aspect of my life. Each day is filled with a new set of tears and set backs that make it easy to question ones own existence. Like my life is an experiment of lets see how much more hurt it takes before she breaks and it is over.
They say heaven is beautiful and full of peace and love and and understanding like we have never known. Why would anyone chose to stay in this living hell? I have no idea how to even be me anymore, or even who I am.
If home is where the heart is .. my heart has been in one place and I another for way too long. Still working on a home at the beach have a couple of opportunities that have presented themselves in the last few days... praying that something pans out soon so that healing can begin again... as it stands I am grateful to just make it to bed time.
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