My sweet girl,
23 days 22 hours and 47 minutes you have been gone. As bad as I am with math without a piece of paper that is stuck in my head. I can glance at the time and within seconds I know. I took so much time for granted, now it is a number that is just embedded in my head. Nineteen years and 57 days was NOT long enough! It was not long enough for me to tell you how much I loved you, or to even show you.
Glimpses are coming back to me in memories, I remember the sound of your cry, as a small child, when hurt or angry. I can hear that. I hope that isn't you telling me how sucky of a Mom I was, because I already know. I couldn't begin to tell you what was wrong with me back then, depression maybe I don't know. Maybe I will get to the bottom of it here. I remember the night that I was playing with you and I shut the door on you in your bedroom, scared the day lights out of you. I am sorry for that, I am sorry for laughing as you flung yourself in my arms when I opened the door. I guess the funny thing about that now is that YOU would do that to YOUR friends, granted they aren't 4 and scared of the dark, but I don't remember you being scared of the dark after that, ever. You weren't scared to go anywhere or do anything that I can remember.
But memories are not why I am here today, they will come in time but today I am just here to tell you that I love you. I love you more than any words could ever portray, more than any emotion could show, more than I was able to be. I am sorry for that, I guess I have more of Ganee in me than I thought and just didn't know what to do with this beautiful little girl, but I did my best. I did what I thought was right for you and your brother. And proud, oh De I was so proud of you, you were becoming, no you HAD become the wonderful young lady I knew you could be all along. I guess I just needed to back off and let you do it on your own. I just didn't want to see you head down the same road I did. It wasn't an easy one.
EMILY JUST SENT ME A MESSAGE.. SHE DREAMT OF YOU LAST NIGHT! I can't wait to hear the words.
(Em's Dream.. :I was in food lion and I asked if Deanna was around to Joe Rowe (who I havent spoken with in years so that was random) and in the dream, you had died, not her, and I walked up and said I don't know you that well but I hope you're OK. Your mama loved you and was an amazing woman, and she had been crying and she said I miss her a lot but she would want me to be strong and I know she loved me...and then I woke up. It was really weird and first but then I laid back down and was like I HAVE to tell AM)
I miss you so much De.. I miss singing Lion King.. or the Wheels on the Bus.. or even just arguing with you. If you were just here I would let you hide all the pudding cups you wanted in your underwear drawer! I pray that you know I only did the best I could even if it was bad.
I love you my sweet girl.
Love,
Mommy
23 days 22 hours and 47 minutes you have been gone. As bad as I am with math without a piece of paper that is stuck in my head. I can glance at the time and within seconds I know. I took so much time for granted, now it is a number that is just embedded in my head. Nineteen years and 57 days was NOT long enough! It was not long enough for me to tell you how much I loved you, or to even show you.
Glimpses are coming back to me in memories, I remember the sound of your cry, as a small child, when hurt or angry. I can hear that. I hope that isn't you telling me how sucky of a Mom I was, because I already know. I couldn't begin to tell you what was wrong with me back then, depression maybe I don't know. Maybe I will get to the bottom of it here. I remember the night that I was playing with you and I shut the door on you in your bedroom, scared the day lights out of you. I am sorry for that, I am sorry for laughing as you flung yourself in my arms when I opened the door. I guess the funny thing about that now is that YOU would do that to YOUR friends, granted they aren't 4 and scared of the dark, but I don't remember you being scared of the dark after that, ever. You weren't scared to go anywhere or do anything that I can remember.
But memories are not why I am here today, they will come in time but today I am just here to tell you that I love you. I love you more than any words could ever portray, more than any emotion could show, more than I was able to be. I am sorry for that, I guess I have more of Ganee in me than I thought and just didn't know what to do with this beautiful little girl, but I did my best. I did what I thought was right for you and your brother. And proud, oh De I was so proud of you, you were becoming, no you HAD become the wonderful young lady I knew you could be all along. I guess I just needed to back off and let you do it on your own. I just didn't want to see you head down the same road I did. It wasn't an easy one.
EMILY JUST SENT ME A MESSAGE.. SHE DREAMT OF YOU LAST NIGHT! I can't wait to hear the words.
(Em's Dream.. :I was in food lion and I asked if Deanna was around to Joe Rowe (who I havent spoken with in years so that was random) and in the dream, you had died, not her, and I walked up and said I don't know you that well but I hope you're OK. Your mama loved you and was an amazing woman, and she had been crying and she said I miss her a lot but she would want me to be strong and I know she loved me...and then I woke up. It was really weird and first but then I laid back down and was like I HAVE to tell AM)
I miss you so much De.. I miss singing Lion King.. or the Wheels on the Bus.. or even just arguing with you. If you were just here I would let you hide all the pudding cups you wanted in your underwear drawer! I pray that you know I only did the best I could even if it was bad.
I love you my sweet girl.
Love,
Mommy
RSS Feed
