Give. Live. Hug.
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May 30th, 2013

5/30/2013

5 Comments

 
De,

It's the first weekend I have a choice, the first weekend that I could stay in OBX if I wanted. I keep telling myself that you aren't there in Mathews, that you are everywhere, but some part of me is drawn back there every chance I get. Heck De I don't want to leave when it is time.

I have resolved the fact that for two years I need to stay here for Drake, he has made his life here, football and school, so taking him back to Mathews now would be a huge step in the wrong direction. But he is out of school, he is finished, he passed. We could be on the road by 2 if I worked straight through. I am going to talk Drake when he wakes up.

I know it is all a little bit crazy and a bit to late but I still haven't found that place, the one place I feel closest to you, the one place that I can just be still with you in my thoughts. Everyone says you are with me everywhere, and that I am not alone, well I FEEL alone. I keep trying to feel you, to sense you, to hear you... and I feel lost, sense and hear nothing. I have gone in all three of your bedrooms, you aren't there, I visit you at St Paul, you aren't there, I can't find the spot you are.

I want to believe that it doesn't matter where I am, you are. I want to believe that so badly it hurts, because I don't see it, I don't feel it. I want to believe that you tripped me up just to make me smile, that your presence was in the dragon fly that caught a ride on my finger for a mile and a half yesterday. That you were trying to tell me "I am here... I am here .. but at times I need to fly away!"

Life still hasn't moved on for me Sis. I can't make my heart believe you are gone, like really truly gone and not coming back. How do I make my heart believe that? How do I make my heart believe I will never hear that laugh again, see that smile again, or even that frown cause I ticked you off again. Who is going to come bebopping in my door without a care in the world talking about this and that and rambling about stuff that I don't even know about just because you want to ramble.

WHO IS GOING TO BE SIMBA???

Yes Sis there is as good chance I am losing my mind. That I am not holding it together so well here, but I am trying. I know if I stay here this weekend that what I will end up doing is locking myself in the house. I am still just not ready for people people. It is the act of going out and putting on that fake smile, and pretending that I actually want to be somewhere that is completely and utterly EXHAUSTING! There are really only 3 places I have found any comfort at all, I just have to chose where that will be this weekend.

Sis I need people to understand, that I love them and I appreciate them, but I am not comfortable around people, lots of people, few people, a couple of people, people I am not super close to. I have a hard time following conversations and get lost in my own thoughts really quickly and it turns into an embarrassment for all involved as no one knows what exactly to do. I rarely laugh, or smile, and everyone has this sense of urgency to get me out and going and doing this and that and the other.. when the truth is I can't. Those things are still part of the unreality of this for me. How can these things, movies, beach trips, bands, dinners, shopping trips, BE HAPPENING when part of my world ended. How can they laugh and carry on and act like a huge part of this universe is gone?? Then I remember it isn't a huge part of their universe it is a huge part of mine.

Yesterday I read a post online on one of the sites I frequent, and Pastor Betsy talked to me about the same thing so I think you are trying really hard to get that message to me. What if it were reversed, what if it was me that was taken that day? What if I was gone and had left you, your brothers and grandparents to carry on after my death. What would I want to see for you? I would want to see you happy and healthy and carry out any of your dreams you desired, I would want you proud of your graduation and accomplishments, I would want you to be proud of the mommy you had even if I wasn't the best in the world, I would want for you all the things that I didn't do right and all the things I did. I would want to you to live your life and be you and spend your time giving to others.

As simple as it is to write that those are the things that I want for you, I can imagine they are close to the things you would want for me, but I can't muster the happiness to fulfill them. The regret and guilt and grief is just truly too much. There are so many what if's what if I hadn't do this, or what if I had made you do that. They all play through my mind constantly. The scene, I can't get it out of my head, because it seems as soon as I have what I think it is right in my head something else comes to light and changes it, the clothes you wore, how you got out of the car, how badly or unbadly the car was damaged, all things that play into what exactly happened that day. I play it over and over trying to get the pieces to fall into place like some movie that was cut up that I am trying to tape back together to play correctly.

I am constantly thinking of your last thoughts, were you scared, did you have time to be, were you hurting, were you amazed at the sight of heaven, did it frighten you to realize you had left your body? Does it hurt you now how sad we all are? Do you live knowing that it will be ok soon and we will see each other again? There are so many questions that go through my mind I don't know what to do with them except write them down.

Someone recently told me that keyboard to screen did not have the forethought or the elegance (my word not theirs) as pen to paper, that may be the case but my brain flies so fast that the only way I can get the words out fast enough is by typing. What you get from my typing is pure raw emotion, pure raw thoughts, my pure raw love, and if that can't be seen through my words, then I apologize. These are my outlets and they are what I need to get through. Some of it may be tough to read a times I am sure, but these are my thoughts and feelings to you sis... I wouldn't want them edited, nor a great amount of thought put into "should I say this or should I say that?" I just go. It is just a difference of opinion on the topic, neither right nor wrong. Just an explanation of why the post and letters are so rambly at times, my brain is just getting out what it needs to.

I have to say that it kinda shocks me that the people I thought would be reading your blog and letters the most don't, but that is ok.. because really I suppose they are between us anyway.

I know exactly what you would be saying right now.. behave yourself, angels aren't supposed to talk that way.

What I am saying.. is I miss you.. I love you.. and I STILL don't know how I am going to keep going without you. As you so graciously reminded me shortly before the accident.. you were my "only daughter". My heart is in a bazillion pieces... and if all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put that big old egg back together who the heck is going to put ME back together?

I am going to shut up now Sis.. I love you, hug your brother.
My love flies to you both on the wings of angels.

Love
Mommy
5 Comments

5/25/2013

5/25/2013

0 Comments

 
De,

We did it! Your page www.facebook.com/givelivehug made 2000 likes tonight. I will say that my feelings are much like Grandaddy's, wish we didn't have a page to make or 2000 people who are reading your story this way. We wish we could just have you back. We would do anything to change what happened on that Saturday morning. Anything. You were so loved. So very very loved.

I spent some time with Anita, Mariah, Kenda Jo, and Angela today. We all have a few of your favorite things and things you last touched or wore. I think it makes us all feel a little closer to you. It felt as if you were guiding us to make the right places for the right things. I cleaned up your room at Ganees this weekend too and I did my best to do what I know you would want done. I know the things you didn't want found and I promise it's all ok. Mommy has them and they will get where they will belong.

I won't lie to you...it has been heartbreaking. Emotionally and physically draining. I shouldn't be going through your things, it feels like I am snooping through your personal items which is just not something I liked to do. I promise you every note I found I neatly put them in a box and they will only be given to the other writer. They aren't my business, what was my business was finding your coke blanket I bought you last Christmas and Mariah letting me know you would fight for it because your Mommy had given it to you and it was your snuggly. I think of how many times we fought over the snuggles while we watched silly shows on TV. Teen Mom? Really De did you have to get me hooked on THAT one??

I found your books at Ganees and while some aren't ones I got into reading before I will be reading every word of them. Just to absorb more of your thoughts. I remember us fighting over the Twilight books and who would read it first! Much like Dustin and I with Harry Potter. We finally got to the point we had to buy two at a time! I miss you so much my sweet angel. I often wonder are you here with me. Are you close by? Are you in heaven rejoicing not knowing the grief we have? Do you have to witness the sadness? I wonder what heaven is like and if I will be there with you soon and that your time frames don't work like earth and to you I will be there in minutes not years. What if I grow old and look different will you know me?

This weekend did not go as planned at all. I had no intention of cleaning your room and choosing the ite,s that I would like to keep. How does one do that, I simply wanted to say. Don't touch anything! These are hers! She will need them. But I know that is irrational. I wanted to pack it all and just take everything with me. Even the empty salsa jar.. Yea I found that sis. But I knew it was unrealistic and that some of the items I was finding needed to find their way to their new owners. Places I knew you would want them to give the people in your life comfort.

Because of the change in plans and touching your things,favorite things I know you loved and cherished it completely has thrown me in a tail spin. I broke plans that I had, I went to a family gathering and couldn't have fun, no matter how good it was to see my "other family" celebrating. But a birthdate you will never have rendered me into an evening of sadness. I hope my mood did not bring anyone down. I haven't spent enough time with my friend this weekend I know this is hurting him too. Sometimes I feel like such a burden. The big elephant in the room that can't smile that no one knows what to do with. I pray he will have patience with me as I sort through these days without you in it. I keep promising things we get back to normal soon I just don't know what normal is. I do know enough I will do what it takes to figure at least that part of my life out, because he deserves to be happy too! I hope he knows De, how much he means to me and can hang on just awhile longer as I sort through my sadness.

I love you my sweet beautiful girl!!!
Mommy
0 Comments

5/23/2013

5/23/2013

0 Comments

 
De,

Headed to VA today to see your play. Anita Cecil, Ganee, Stephanie H. Rowe, Mariah Jowers, and Grandaddy are all going. I know this will make you happy and you will shine your rays of love down on us all as we share this experience together.

I went back to the Dr today and well.. we don't need to go into detail about that, you already know the outcome but for you, for Phyllis Marsh and for the sanity of all of those around me I will listen. for TWO weeks. They have two weeks to prove to me this is the right course. You know how I feel about these things...

I have to spend some time this weekend picking out photos for the year book.. this breaks my heart. Please help guide me to chose the ones that you would want.

My heart still breaks that you will never answer these letters but it is one of the things that keeps me sane, an outlet for my words of love to you. It is getting closer to graduation and the day that Mariah would be bringing your happy little self down to the beach. I haven't had that heart to speak to the lady at Food Lion yet. Your aunt did that for me, they were heart broken. I hope you see how many people loved and cherished your life.

I am grateful that YOU lived every day, every minute to the fullest. You never let anyone or anything hold you back from YOUR dreams or wants and desires. Even when I wasn't thrilled about them I am so grateful now that many times I gave into your "But Mommy!!!"  

I also remember the day that you saw my fierce love for you first hand. Do you remember that De? The day (we shall call him that boy) that boy followed you around the beach? The day that when I got there he was laying on YOUR beach towel, the day I told him that I felt it was best that he carry his self back where he came from. He told lies that day De... three.. three different stories. But your Mommy took care of it, I would say it is safe to bet that he never spoke to you again. This Mommy Lioness was protecting her baby Simba.. I wasn't a crazy parrot that day was I Sis! Crazy maybe but I had no fear. I was going to take him down to protect you.

I know you questioned some of the things I did, some of the things I didn't want  you doing. But it was for protection De. My parents did the same thing. Granddaddy had to chase a boy away from me too. More than once but I know now as I am sure you do that it was out of protection.

If only I could have protected you one more time. Been there to just say Sis, where is your seat belt, or even thrown the mom belt across you, as so many parents do, the outcome could have been different. I would have thrown myself in front of you if it had meant that you would live. That is what a mothers love it about. Pure sacrifice of themselves and their feelings and physical being to protect their babies.

I know you are rejoicing with Jesus, your brother, great grandparents and friends (new and old) but I can't help but wish you were here with me. I long for the day that I can be with you again. To hold your hand and to sing our very off key Lion King song.. I wonder if Jesus will be offended at your desire to be King.

Look over all of us this holiday weekend my sweet angel.
Hug your brother and tell him I miss you too!
My love flies to you both on wings of angels.

i love you
Mommy
0 Comments

5/22/2013

5/22/2013

0 Comments

 
De,
You tried. I am so sorry that what you wanted didn't happen. You will be honored regardless simply for the wish of your unselfish final gift. If I could change it, I would, if I could bring you back, I would.

You can, however, bet on a couple of things, one, I will NOT let the Deanna Hug project fail! I know now that if you had only had it on that you would be here with us right now. Granddaddy went today to the car, I didn't mean for him to see it but he decided to, and the damage was to the other side. I don't understand why you didn't have it on! I never will. I am not angry at you honey, I just don't understand. I will raise awareness and scream and shout to anyone who will listen the complete and total NEED to have it on EACH AND EVERY TIME! It takes 2 seconds to save a lifetime of pain and grief. TWO SECONDS.

The other things is organ donation, Ganee has that one under control. There will be a greater awareness raised in regards to time frames and protocols needed when a person is an organ donor. I am so sorry that the Medical Examiner was too busy to come to you when they were called. Had they made it sooner maybe your final wish would have happened. While I HATE that I am even aware of this issue, I will do my best to ensure that others don't feel the added pain of knowing their loved one was unable to help others, due to lack of procedures or the fact that someone was at a picnic. There should be back ups and policies. There aren't any in little small towns like ours. We are an after thought to the big places like Richmond. I am so sorry my sweet girl.

I know you know that Drake and I graduated from Bootcamp this morning. The only thing missing from our photo was you. I had you with me, your heart, right where it belonged right next to mine. I made you my honor graduate, the day you left us, my angel honor graduate that will keep me going even when I don't want to go. As I look on my arm at the new bands given to me today it serves as a reminder for me not to give up. I know you wouldn't want that. Drake did so good honey, you would have been proud of him. He went when I couldn't, he encouraged me to go when I could, but he never stopped. Even on the days he didn't sleep so good the night before he carried on and went. He has been a rock, a steady right there when I needed him. Just the quiet "Mom, don't cry" that he whispers to me at times remind me that you taught him compassion well. There was a time he didn't do so good in that department, but you always had a kind and soft word for those who were hurting, He couldn't have learned it from anyone but you.

I love you so much my sweet angel and I am so so sorry.
Until I see you again.
Mommy
0 Comments

5/21/2013

5/21/2013

0 Comments

 
De,
Today I called Lifenet in hopes they can let me know who you were able to help. You were so giving I pray that people will be healing from the final gift you left behind as you left us here. I know you would want me to not be as sad as I am and I am trying my beautiful girl I am trying. I am haunted by the the last facebook you sent me, "I love my life, family and friends too much.." those words will forever be etched in my memory as I know you did. You LOVED your life, you LOVED your family and you LOVED your friends. Because you were so full of love for us, it is an even greater loss for us. We LOVED you too and want you here with us.

I suppose that is a selfish thought, but as Sally (that is what I am going to call my person that I talk to.. Sally.. no it isn't her real name but it is fitting for reasons few will understand) put it yesterday, the issue is you are my baby, and while I didn't need to know where you were every second of the day, I knew where you were. I knew you were safe with one of your Mommies... now as much as I want to believe you are in heaven and safe and happy and surrounded by those that loved you before they even met you it is hard for me. Reality is hard for me, tangible is hard for me, so how is the unseen supposed to be an easy belief or a comfort.

Even in the times I couldn't get in touch with you, I knew I could call numerous other people and KNOW you were ok. There isn't a phone number for me to call anymore.. there isn't a person I can check in with. I want to believe you are soaring with the angels, and laughing at my dumb self and all of the things I am forgetting and tripping over because my mind is in just a different place.

For days I thought to myself.. no knows how I feel.. no one. Then one by one friends, and family, crept into my mind.. Christal, Kathy, Anita, Bert, Pam, Debra, Leslie, Sue.. the list goes on and on and I realized that they too understood how this horrible feeling is life altering and uncontrollable. What I did not realize then was the number of people I would meet that's feelings identically mirror mine. Oddly Kaitlyn's mom is writing a blog too. Kaitlyn was just a few years older than you (23) when she ended her sadness by taking her own life just a few short days before you left us. Three times in two days now things I wrote on my blog or commented to her Mom personally mirrored identical feelings. While the means we so different the outcomes are the same. Our beautiful daughter's are gone. We can no longer hold you, comfort you, or cheer you on. We are left with these emotions that need to go somewhere. It is odd that we both started blogs of our grief and have both publicly posted letters to our daughters on Facebook.

I, like her, feel that there is a connection in writing these letters publicly, why i don't know, maybe it is so that some other mother will one day not feel so alone. Or maybe it is so that some child understands that their Mommy will miss them terribly if they are gone. I can't answer the question, i just know that for some reason I feel like the words are getting to you. Maybe it is because all of your friends and family now are part of you as they carry on your legacy of life. Give. Live. Hug. maybe it is that I am hoping to reach out to some stranger and letting them know, hey it is OK you aren't crazy for writing a letter on Facebook. I seriously don't know. But I do know that it feels right. The blog and the letters they feel right, so for you readers that do think this is a bit odd or to personal, I am sorry but this particular journey is not about you.

De, if heaven works the way I hope, find Kaitlyn today, give her one of your hugs and let her know it is from her Mama and kitty.. she had a kitty too! Her mom is taking care of it just like I am taking care of Kittems. I miss your beautiful smile baby girl.

I just thought of something.. years and years ago.. you were only two or three. I held you in my arms and sang Browned Eyed girl to you (yes i skipped over the weird lyrics..) You just laid there and let me rock you. I am not sure how that happened as you were in constant movement, but I remember. You will forever be my Brown Eyed girl baby.

Mommy Loves you.
Mommy
0 Comments

5/14/2013 PM

5/14/2013

1 Comment

 
Hey baby,

I sit here this afternoon in tears and can't seem to make them stop again. I just want this all to be some cruel horrible joke. Where you pop out and say.. GOTCHA.. for all the bad things I ever did. I don't understand how exactly I am supposed to go on.. to even try seems too be too much.

You know everyone says I need to get back to myself.. well who the hell am I now? I don't even know. Nothing seems important or worth doing. I want you to come back so bad. I want you to have the future you were supposed to.. not this. This is not fair! This is NOT how it is supposed to be.


Everything hurts... I don't understand why they couldn't fix you that day.. why you didn't have your seat belt on.. I don't understand any of it. All I know is that you aren't coming back and sometimes I don't even know that. It is quite honestly the worst story movie book of all time. One that you keep waiting for the ending to change so you can put it down and be ok about it. But it isn't.. it just is going to keep going.

I love you.. so much.

Love

Mommy


1 Comment

5/14/2013

5/14/2013

1 Comment

 
My sweet girl,

23 days 22 hours and 47 minutes you have been gone. As bad as I am with math without a piece of paper that is stuck in my head. I can glance at the time and within seconds I know. I took so much time for granted, now it is a number that is just embedded in my head. Nineteen years and 57 days was NOT long enough! It was not long enough for me to tell you how much I loved you, or to even show you.

Glimpses are coming back to me in memories, I remember the sound of your cry, as a small child, when hurt or angry. I can hear that. I hope that isn't you telling me how sucky of a Mom I was, because I already know. I couldn't begin to tell you what was wrong with me back then, depression maybe I don't know. Maybe I will get to the bottom of it here. I remember the night that I was playing with you and I shut the door on you in your bedroom, scared the day lights out of you. I am sorry for that, I am sorry for laughing as you flung yourself in my arms when I opened the door. I guess the funny thing about that now is that YOU would do that to YOUR friends, granted they aren't 4 and scared of the dark, but I don't remember you being scared of the dark after that, ever. You weren't scared to go anywhere or do anything that I can remember.

But memories are not why I am here today, they will come in time but today I am just here to tell you that I love you. I love you more than any words could ever portray, more than any emotion could show, more than I was able to be. I am sorry for that, I guess I have more of Ganee in me than I thought and just didn't know what to do with this beautiful little girl, but I did my best. I did what I thought was right for you and your brother. And proud, oh De I was so proud of you, you were becoming, no you HAD become the wonderful young lady I knew you could be all along. I guess I just needed to back off and let you do it on your own. I just didn't want to see you head down the same road I did. It wasn't an easy one.

EMILY JUST SENT ME A MESSAGE.. SHE DREAMT OF YOU LAST NIGHT! I can't wait to hear the words.

(Em's Dream.. :I was in food lion and I asked if Deanna was around to Joe Rowe (who I havent spoken with in years so that was random) and in the dream, you had died, not her, and I walked up and said I don't know you that well but I hope you're OK. Your mama loved you and was an amazing woman, and she had been crying and she said I miss her a lot but she would want me to be strong and I know she loved me...and then I woke up. It was really weird and first but then I laid back down and was like I HAVE to tell AM)

I miss you so much De.. I miss singing Lion King.. or the Wheels on the Bus.. or even just arguing with you. If you were just here I would let you hide all the pudding cups you wanted in your underwear drawer! I pray that you know I only did the best I could even if it was bad.

I love you my sweet girl.

Love,

Mommy


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