Good Morning from Mathews my Loves,
 
I am sitting here this morning utterly grateful. Last night was the very first of holiday’s meals and I will not in anyway minimize how incredibly hard that was without our Aunt Ann. When it came to holiday gatherings she was the absolute best, well maybe never on time but still the best.
 
I won’t deny that I was worried yesterday that the evening may be incredibly sad, I was worried for my dear cousins, and my incredible Darly John, that this dinner may be too soon, too much…  but what met me at the door when I entered her home, was not sadness at all but I was met with Aunt Ann.
 
As I looked around and saw our family still gathering around her table, laughing in her kitchen, watching football, and kids flying in and out I knew that she was not missing, she was right there being the glue to our family she always was. You see Aunt Ann taught us many many many things, but one of the greatest was that we are a family and no matter what we come together, we break bread and we rejoice in having each other. Many people have come and gone from her table over the years as they needed, and I am so blessed to have had her teach us about the power of giving and sharing what we do have, but there is something special about that foundation of family that remains, they aren’t simply my cousins, aunt and uncle. They are so much closer and more than that… there is no word really, I may need to come up with one, even siblings does it a disservice. It is for those people that I am so grateful.
 
Renee… hats of to you! I promise you that Aunt Ann was incredibly proud of that dinner last night. Every last bite, you put in your love and it was delicious, even that stuffing you were so worried about was amazing. I definitely need to hit the gym this week hard! But I just want you to know I see you and I am so proud!
 
To the special angel that left gifts of peace around .. I see you too! Thank you for being amazing and so thoughtful! The peace will be cherished.
 
To all of the rest, I love you, and I am so blessed you are my family, thank you for being you.. for being Aunt Ann.. as she left herself in each of our hearts to continue her works.
 
This time of year is hard, I won’t lie, it always is for me. Today I am ok, I was asked last night and last night I was ok, and I am serious about that, I truly am OK right this minute and I am hopeful that this holiday season I will continue to be just that, because ok is better than the past 10 years.
 
I just want to take another minute here, to my friend who’s husband has been gone a year, my sister in law who recently lost her son, the family of the child who lost his life this week, my family who lost Langley, my cousins and friends who have lost their children, my friend who lost her dad this year, to even my immediate family who still struggle over the loss of Deanna and Little Dustin … I could go on and on and never finish this list, just know that I see you.. I feel you.. and most of all I wish for you to have a moment so powerful that you know without a doubt your loved one is right there with you…. A moment as I experienced last night.
 
I love and miss you Aunt Ann!
 
Peace Love and Light
 
Re

WHAT AN AMAZING EXPERIENCE!
 
Yesterday was Veteran’s day as we all obviously know, what you may not know is that it is a special day to me. It’s my sweet Pansy Boy’s birthday and I always reflect on our relationship, who he was to me, who he still is, and ultimately what could I have done differently to save him. The answer there is absolutely nothing. He was determined that it was his time to go and I know with all of my being that he is 100% now and no longer in the pain that he had suffered most of his life. Much like a celebrity he was able to be beautiful and smile on the outside when his inside was torn in a million pieces, few of us got to see that side of him and I am grateful that I was one of those people he trusted with his heart.  I still miss you my friend and would still absolutely live in a card board box for you. Fly high and hug my babies for me.
 
I was going to work yesterday just because why not, but at the last minute I said “NO… I am going to be like everyone else and take the day and it is going to be a ME DAY.” I left home bright and early and did things I have not done in months, I went and did a spa treatment and tanned, I had my nails done, took off to Mexican alone (yea yea yea I know not on the plan but hold tight), had my hair done, scrolled through little Deanna’s sprinkles of love,  started the most amazing book, came home snuggled my puppies, got fancied up (at least for me) then capped the day off by joining my family in celebrating my uncle’s 35 years of service  to our local American Legion post.
 
It was a full, beautiful, peaceful day that my soul needed! I am going to dig into a few of those things, because they deserve it.
 
Let’s start with me getting Mexican. It’s just one of my favorite things and lately I have been craving it but pushing the want back until a special time. Yesterday seemed like the perfect time to just go for it. As I sat there enjoying my chips and IPA (read scarfing down chips like they weren’t going to make anymore) this absolutely beautiful being popped into the seat across from me said says “HI!!!” I think a chip was mid air. Who should walk in but my accountability partner! Seriously not even joking. I quickly said that it was a Me day and I was going to enjoy these chips and braced myself for the shame that was surely coming. It didn’t. She looked right at me and said “Girl ENJOY your day!” We chatted a few minutes about every day life and struggles of missing loved ones and parted ways. Not once did I feel judged, shamed, or any other uncomfortable food feeling that in my experience comes with being “caught” eating something not on plan. Want to know what happened next? I ate maybe 2 more chips, picked at my fajitas (brough much of it home) and felt wonderful about it. Just seeing her for a minute made me take inventory of what I was doing, not because I was shamed but because I knew I could enjoy this meal but didn’t have to fully stuff myself. I didn’t have that horrible feeling that sometimes comes with eating, I didn’t have to bury or stuff down anything in buckets of chips and salsa. I walked out feeling satisfied and extreme amounts of love. Thank you my dear friend for making my lunch amazing.
 
For the wind up of the wonderful day I met my family and together we celebrated Darly John’s service to not only our country but also our county, in doing so we heard the most amazing gentleman speak of his experiences. This dear man was 100 years old and just as spry and on point as I am at half his age, in fact he may be more so! We laughed, we sat in awe, we enjoyed, and while he was wishing he had more time to speak I know I for one was wishing he did too. He was most definitely one of those people that you could listen to all day and never say a word. As the evening wore on and I looked around the table at the people I love and who love me, then to the room of gentleman who put it all on the line for our country, I was over come with emotion and had to hold back tears as Taps played on in the background, not due to sadness, but from an amazing feeling of belonging, understanding, and love.
 
For you today I wish you a day as wonderful and as peaceful as mine yesterday.

Opps I did it again… I played with my heart.. got lost in the past…
 
Good Morning beautiful humans!
 
First I would like to say THANK YOU so very much for the wonderful words of encouragement yesterday, as always you know how to pick a girl up. I love you all and your support does mean so much.
 
Secondly lets talk about what that was, I mean other than a shit show, it was me once again getting overwhelmed in a situation and as soon as I do, that old “friend” of mine peeks back in the door to see if I am vulnerable enough for him to sneak in. Yesterday I was.
Past Trauma is no joke, and it will fight and battle and push and shove anyway it can to stay in your life. It’s like that stalkerish ex.. the one that just refuses to believe you are done with them and they keep trying. You know the one.. you go two months and all of a sudden at 2 am you get a text that says “Hi I miss you” yea.. NO!
 
It's very easy to ignore that text from the ex but that trauma.. that is a cat of a different color. They will be all up in your living room having dessert with your family before you know what happened. Which is exactly what happened yesterday, that sneaky snake waltzed right in and I let him.
 
Monday was some what of a trying day, the reasons don’t really matter, something hurtful was said and unfortunately it is not a situation where I can say “Hey stop that… that is very hurtful” but instead of taking it like a grain of sand I let that thing build and build and build until I had a pearl the size of medium size sedan and it was crushing me. Instead of just sitting there with a sedan on my chest I let it all out in my words, I cried, I talked to someone close to me, and then I shoved that thing off the best I could and went and worked out.
 
As I stood there in the gym with all the mirrors, I wanted to run, leave the building, heck leave the state (is there a state I have not tried yet) because once again I felt like I didn’t fit in with all of the fit bodies around me. I stopped.. took a deep breath and picked up my weights.
 
By the time the work out was over I felt better, I felt more like the past was back where it belonged, and I felt stronger. I reread your comments and stood even taller.
 
The bottom line is the past is the past and as much as we may want it to change, it’s not going to. I have dealt with this particular piece of the past time and time again and will no doubt have to face it many more times but each time I am stronger than I was the time before and thankfully I have been able to pretty quickly identify what is happening before I am wayyyyy down the rabbit hole.
 
One of the things that I need a constant reminder of is, “I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I am no longer where I was and I am still fighting every day to be better” and that in of itself is the key to life.
 
May your day be full of reminders that you are not the past.
 
Peace Love and Light
 
Re

Good Morning my loves.
 
Struggle training coming through… choooo chooooo! Or is it chew chew… either way is fitting.
 
Not sure what it is going to take here.. and it is annoying. Every night I go to bed and think to myself “JUST STOP EATING LIKE A PIG!” sometimes it is nicer words like, “Why don’t you try xyz” but the jest is the same which is do something about your eating or nothing you do is going to matter.
I have an incredibly unhealthy relationship with food. Example… yesterday while at lunch my dad says “You lost that 40 pounds yet?” I look at my plate shrug and just say “I think I am just supposed to be fat”. Why such a crappy response from me.. on my plate is literally half of the amount he ate and still he is sitting there like a bean pole and I look like a pole alright.. the North Pole.. like all of it.
 
And that set my day.. mind whirling about how I can fix me, or should I just say screw it I have been this way for 90% of my life, I am never going to be thin enough that they stop asking if I have lost 123 yet and at this point I am old so even if you lose the weight, which you probably won’t you will be smaller, not thin, but still old.
 
Positivity has left the building today .. sorry.. it happens.
 
Being fat is an embarrassment, not only to me, but my family and yet… here I am. Still have not lost 40 pounds, still have the belly that you wished I would lose that I had in the Spartan photo, still worry every damn flight I take that I am going to spill all over into the seat beside me, I still hear you on repeat saying “you look like you are training” in your sarcastic tone.
 
I have at a minimum of 80 pounds to lose.. 80.. yesterday as I was driving home from a trying day I found myself wishing I would get sick so I could lose the weight. Something is so wrong with that. How can you hate yourself so much that would risk dying to be thin but you can’t seem to manage just to eat chicken and spinach for a year to get you where you should be?
 
Today.. right this minute, I am mad. I can’t stand where I am in this fat suit of a body. I can’t stand that I can’t just figure this out once and for all.
 
I’m mad for the little girl who never felt she was enough and I am mad for the grown up who is still struggling with the same issues.
 
Here’s to hoping you are in a much more peaceful place than I today.
 
Peace Love and Light
 
Re

Happy Friday my loves!
 
We made it! It’s almost the weekend. (sorry restaurant fam)
 
Now the question that lies in front of me is… WHAT TO DO WITH IT?
 
Some how two weekends in a row we ended up with no real plans. I am not complaining at all, quiet time is fun too, but I think I really want to do something… the question is WHAT?
We wanted to spend a day in Richmond at some point but it seems utterly stupid for Ed to come home to go back to come home to go back that is a lot of road time!
 
I would get out the handy dandy leaf blower but that is satisfying for about 10 minutes and a puff of air comes along and you can’t tell I did anything.
Maybe I will do that anyway so things don’t pile up… see what I did there.
 
Maybe I will just curl up with a good book.. I have several I am reading.
 
Maybe I will go for a nice long walk/jog.
 
Maybe I won’t do a darn thing!
 
Maybe I will spend an hour or two pondering over why I only lost 3 pounds.. and why I still say I ONLY when anything is better than nothing.
 
Maybe I will make a pot of chili!
 
Oh I know.. I can pick up that knitting project.
 
Can you tell I get a little floundery when I don’t have a plan? I feel like I am forgetting something.. that I am supposed to be somewhere doing something because .. well because I always am!
I am not against doing the nothings… I just am not very good at the nothings…. I mean all of those things are somethings.. but they feel like nothings.
 
Now that I have fully Dr. Suessed your Friday morning…. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND???
 
Oh and if anyone thinks of what it is that I am SUPPOSED to be doing this weekend.. will you please let me know… cause it really feels like I have forgotten something!
 
Peace Love and Light
 
Re

Good Morning beautiful people.
 
Today I am going to talk about something super personal. I toyed with the idea of sharing this earlier this week and found that it may be too personal for me to even share, but it has continued to weigh on my mind and I knew that I needed to write about it.
 
What is the hardest thing you have ever had to do in your life?
 
For me it is obvious that losing the kids ranked all the way at the top, but what I did next ranked a very very very close second. I held on to all of the pain.
 
Grieving to me was self-torment. Grief meant sadness, heartache, regret, quilt, loss… you can continue with the list if you would like but I think that you get the picture.
Nearly every time I thought of Deanna or Little Dustin it was with so much negative grief that it was like losing them over and over and over, the pain even all these years later was raw and excruciating. If I remembered a happy time before the day was over I was full of absolute torment over everything I ever did wrong, and I do mean EVERYTHING. This cycle grounded me and pretty much buried me in just utter heartache.
 
The other night before it got cold I was sitting outside on the deck alone with the puppies, looking at the stars and the sliver of moon and just looked up and said “TAKE IT! Take all of this, take the regret, take the guilt, take the sadness, TAKE IT ALL. Let me grieve but by remembering the happy times, let me remember the kids playing in the pool, or road trips we took, or snuggling down to watch a movie, let me remember the GOOD THINGS we did together, and while you are at it.. let me LIVE in those times with my boys, let me not be regretful or guilty about choices I made 25 years ago, I am not even CLOSE to that person today.” Then I sat there… one would think I would have cried, I didn’t. I sat there and tried to remember why I felt so guilty and was full of so much regret all of these years and I really couldn’t put my finger on it.  I think we all have a normal amount of these emotions we feel, we could have and we should have but mine was on serious over drive.
 
I have no doubt that there is someone reading this right now thinking, “you should feel bad.” I can almost bet I could name them… but here is the thing. You don’t know me, you don’t know the situations, you don’t know why choices and decisions were made, and you know what.. for the first time in my life I don’t care what you think. And that is all I am going to say on that.
 
Let me talk about how I feel now. I am no dummy, I know that pleading to the stars isn’t a fix all, but it is  a good and healthy start. Since that night I have not had any of the bad feelings move in, but when they do I now have a weapon, I can exclaim “I RELEASED YOU.. YOU NO LONGER HAVE THE UPPER HAND IN MY LIFE”  
 
And this my friends is the third hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. Letting go of all of the crappy thoughts I have believed about myself for so long, letting go of pain I felt I deserved, facing that letting go of the heartache isn’t letting go of the kids, allowing myself to finally believe I am more than just all of that negativity.
 
I am not sure where exactly I am headed from here but I know it won’t be living in those dreadful places I have rooted myself for years.
 
Here’s to the moon and stars.
 
Peace Love and Light

Good Morning my wonderful friends!
 
Happy Hump Day! Can you believe the week is half over already?? Well at noon anyway but still, where did it go!
 
I am not wishing my days away but if you tell me you aren’t living for the weekend are you even honest with yourself? Kidding kidding.. I know too many people in the restaurant business who’s Friday is worse than a double Monday.. and lets not even talk about Saturday nights!
I, however, these days LIVE for the WEEKEND. It’s when my little family is all together in one place, all of my little birds have flown the nest years ago so we are definitely empty nesters with puppies and that is absolutely a ok with me.
 
This past weekend Ed and I were talking and I just flat out told him it was like we were living in some Lifetime holiday movie, little drama here or there but otherwise epically perfect. As we sat and sipped our Bloody Mary’s at a table for two over looking the water and watching boats drift by in the warm sun… see… I told you.. movie set! Anyway that is why I live for the weekends! It is when everything is magical even when we are doing mundane projects or chores we some how end up perfectly content.
 
The week days aren’t bad either, heaven knows I miss the OBX and my people on those days, but over all… life is pretty darn great.
 
I bet you are thinking how does she do that??? How does she go from everything is crap to everything is rainbows and glitter?  I couldn’t really tell you. I know I have worked hard for it, it doesn’t just POOF and I am happy. I have to spend a considerable amount of time working on banishing the demons and we all know they creep back in the second I let my guard down, but today.. today I am good. I am still struggling a bit in the eating department but the work outs and generally taking care of myself are much more on point, and I think that plays into everything.
 
The one thing I know for sure… today I am happy and Friday I will be happier. Hurry home babe.

Peace Love and Light

Re

Good *yawn* morning my friends.
 
Good grief…. I am hoping this new “routine” is just me adjusting to the cooler temps but to say that I am in love with my snuggly bed is an understatement!
 
I am not nor have I ever been one of those people that could stay in bed all day, as a matter a fact I even said this weekend that there are times that I wish I had that luxury. Even in the worst of my depression I couldn’t just cover my head with my blanket and stay there no matter how badly I wanted to.
I would drag myself out of bed and zombie around all day. This though is different, I don’t feel depressed or sad or any of the other adjectives I use when the darkness is lurking. I wouldn’t even say I feel TIRED… I just feel snuggly.
 
I have transformed our little cottage here and especially the bedroom into a sweet little safe haven that is so darn inviting that I just long to hang out there. The puppies are both with me for the first time in weeks and it is like the gangs all back together! (giggle)
 
So why am I complaining? Im not really … I am just not used to feeling that way. It dawns on me as I write this that half of you probably aren’t even awake yet but I was an hour later getting up that normal because I just didn’t want to! That was after going to bed before 8!
 
Some nights I read, others I watch TV, sometimes I play on my phone, but some nights I just turn on my stars (yes I am a child I have a star machine) and watch them, but all nights it just feels like the place that all is right with the world.
 
There are times that as I lay in silence I think to myself, “Man that cup of coffee is going to be yummy in the morning” only to find myself in the morning thinking “Oh going to bed tonight is going to feel so good” that most definitely is not a bad life. Of course the day is riddled with other wonderful moments, I have a class planned at the Y today I am looking forward to, I have a dinner date with my dad tonight, yesterday Drake and I met for dinner, hoping to see my nephew and baby cousins for a few minutes tomorrow, life doesn’t complete revolve around my snuggly spot. I don’t think it is that I don’t want to get up, because I do, there are so many highlights in life I don’t want to miss… but man that snuggle game is on point!
 
I like being a super early riser though, so I am hoping that I can break the morning lingering again. That time before everyone else is going about their day, the darkness right before the dawn when nearly the whole world is silent. It is then that I hear myself the best. It is then that I get the most done. It is then that I am grateful to be alive and enjoy my first cup of coffee. So while the snuggling is amazing, I don’t want to lose that special time I spend with myself before the noise of the world drowns out my kind inner dialogue, you see that morning voice she is quiet, she is soft, and most times she is kind. That is the me that needs to the most nourishment and time, unfortunately, during the day when things are loud and busy the one that breaks through is the not so nice one, ushering in self-doubt and insecurities.
 
I guess life is pretty darn good if the only worry I have this morning is I didn’t spend enough time with myself before starting my day… because I was snuggling! It also probably should not be lost on me that I went soooooooo long without sleeping that this is just a make up session I am not fully used to yet.
 
How are things going with you? Do you have a favorite spot or time?
 
Peace Love and Light
 
Re

Happy Monday my loves!
 
I hope you all had a wonderful and relaxing Halloween weekend! Mine was filled with movies, rest, dates with my guy and puppies! Doesn’t get much better than that.
 
Let’s talk about confidence today. Just the other day someone posted on a selfie that I appeared confident. I thought back to the moment I was taking the pic and tried to remember how I was feeling. Confident was one of the things I was feeling.
I was confident in my decision to go to the gym, confident that I had and was in a place of support, confident that I was going to do the work out and not die. I truly felt confident at that moment. My reaction to the post was “You have to be confident in this game”
I am not sure that I have even uttered something so true in my life, at least for me anyway.
 
I thought about times when I did not feel confident and mentally envisioned myself. I looked old, tired, fat, and frumpy, not only in my minds eye, but also in photos I could remember, when I just was not feeling secure I just looked worn out.
 
It dawned on me that to complete my journey here that I need to spend way more time being confident than being closed in on my self in self doubt.
 
To reach my goals in weight loss, I need to be confident in my choices and own when I choose to veer off plan and then MOVE ON TO THE NEXT DAY IN CONFIDENCE that one day is not the end of the world.
To reach my fitness goals, I need to be confident in my actions and own when I choose to rest and then MOVE ON TO THE NEXT DAY IN CONFIDENCE that the rest is what my body needed and it isn’t lazy to lay out.
To reach my life goals, I need to be confident that in the past I acted to the best of my ability with the knowledge I had at that time and then MOVE ON TO THE NEXT DAY IN CONFIDENCE knowing that many lessons were learned and it has built a large bank of knowledge.
 
I feel better, stand taller, eat better, work out harder when I allow my confidence to shine. When I true to myself… I am true to the world and can better serve those around me including myself!
 
Peace Love and Light
 
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