it's just not prepared the way I would like.

Dreaded words to anyone in the restaurant business, especially the server who has to tell the chef that his prepared to perfection ribeye is not to the liking of "Look down her nose Lisa".. (why do we use Karen ALLLLL the friggin time??) The walk to the kitchen seems long.... you think about your wording and what other tickets the kitchen has in, is it a good night or bad night and on and on and on. I feel like I am on that walk right now, but in my hands are the perfectly prepared high functioning anxiety, with a side of depression with a bowl of bipolar for dessert.  Each of these things have been carefully prepared and some nurtured for years, but frankly it is just not the way I would like it.

Here is a list of things that I am making that slow walk with

• Overworking, even yesterday I stayed really late, I do have a deadline I had to meet today (that was my excuse) but no one else stays to complete deadlines, they just let it be late.
  
• Negative self talk, yesterday at the gym my poor brain was on over drive. "You fat fuck.. the 10 year old beside you playing his video game while running finished his mile and never stopped You can't even run 2 minutes (by the way I can but that is about as long as I can)" followed with " STOP IT... YOU ARE HERE YOU ARE DOING IT!!! YOU ARE STRONG" then "Look at that stomach hang when you squat, it's not your knees that is stopping you it is your stomach" then "OMG will you SHUT UP you are here you are doing it, it WILL get better"
  
• Putting EVERYONE ahead of myself, I have no idea how I expect to take care of everyone when I don't care of me, but here I have been doing it for a year.  I say yes to way too many things, again especially at work.
  
• Fear of failing, again at everything, mainly when it comes to work, relationships, etc fear of failing myself, maybe to do the point where I don't try things, such as running, if I don't try I don't fail.
  
• Not acknowledging the depression or insane manic episodes, by not acknowledging I mean full out lying. I am fine, becomes no really I am doing great because see me doing XCW everything is JUST WONDERFUL!!! When in truth we all know XCW makes little to no sense at all.
  

Right now at this moment I think my biggest downfall is believing my negative self talk. (and I will admit followed closely by not acknowledging my other problems) I would never in a million years say the things that I say to myself to another human, or even animal for that matter. They are vile and disgusting and shaming! I AM soooooo much more than any of those nasty little tid bits.

• I am strong
• I am brave
  
• I am loyal
  

See I CAN say nice things, it's just harder. Why is that? Why do we so freely dislike and hate ourselves? I can remember being young and judging people as being conceded or stuck up when I have to wonder now, was that just self confidence? Was that just them putting themselves first so they could have the strength to tend to all that life needed them to accomplish? Did they hear the negative voices and stomp the shit out of them and hold their heads higher to overcome that negativity?  I wonder.

But here I am, walking with my dishes to the back, the chef is examining with disgust his hard work, figuring out what exactly could have been different to avoid the situation in the future. We all know what the next step has to be.... scrape it all in the trash... no matter how tempting it may be to hold on to, all of that has to be thrown away, and once it is safely dealt with, we return and the chef has  started to create a better, more beautiful dish full of good things like

• Me Time
  
• Walks
  
• Gym visits
  
• Positive affirmations
  
• LEARNING
  

Yesterday I mentioned that I had some homework to do, one of those things was to set a realistic/ambitious goal.

Half-hearted goal: Finish a 5k - come on we all know that if I put on my shoes right now, this minute I would finish a 5k .. heck likely a 10K. It wouldn't be the best in the world but I can do it. No training has always been my game and I did that with no shame.

Realistic/ambitious goal - Finish the April 3rd 5k to the best of my ability. Join the ladies at the Y bootcamp class on June 1. (yes that is 90 days) Run the October half marathon. I said run, not just finish. I said run. They are goals! They are realistic.. but they are ambitious in that they are going to take hard work, self belief, and support of people who love me.  I have a habit of falling off the face of the earth when it comes to my own training. I need to show up for ME!

I need to ensure that putting my training first is a priority. If any of you have any tips on this please share. For me, for today it is going to be putting little Banx in his running stroller and we are going to finish 2 miles, the sun is shining, I can't let that pass me by!

Signing out today with this, if you are reading this, take 30 seconds and write down 3 positive things you are. Believe it or not, it was pretty powerful.

Peace Love and Light

Re

Good Morning All!
Wow yesterday.. just wow. So as you guys know I mentioned reading Fit Gurl and the further I read yesterday I as completely floored and mildly freaked out that she was using the exact same language I have over the last few days. I have posted some photos of just a few of the things she wrote that jumped out at me as things I was referring to in my previous posts or spindles. I have to say, if you are even remotely considering going to the gym or getting healthy BUY THE BOOK. Even if you are not in a place that you can perform some of the harder core exercises that she provides guidelines for I can PROMISE YOU that the first 44 pages are worth the purchase alone. (paper back will not be out until May, I am preordering because I see this book making many trips to the gym with me)

One of the things that she asked in the last few pages I read last night was for the readers to take a photo of themselves as a before, boom already done on Saturday, the other was to find a photo of yourself that you HATED and say one positive thing about yourself that you SEE in that photo. That part I neglected doing. "My nails look nice" ok ok ok I don't think that is what she meant, but if I had to go back and say something and it is hard to find anything I find positive, I would have to say I truly have little issue with my legs, even after a large gain and a long time of non use they are still pretty darn powerful. Check done.

You may be wondering why I am posting so early today, simple, in pondering all of the things I have done "wrong" over the last year a huge no no for me, was self drowning myself in work. It was my doing, my choice. I literally woke up in the morning and before I even turned on the coffee pot I would log into work! Many days that is exactly where I would stay for 10 to 12 hours. Not good! For one thing that is so incredibly physically damaging, for another the mental damage is OUTSTANDING. There was absolutely no "Me Time". Before Covid and my semi move to Mathews... no no no I don't live here I am just here all the time... most days started with my friends doing some work out, even if I was only half heartedly in it, and then off to coffee. This has been a constant in my life for almost almost 9 years, some periods of time I was there more frequently other randomly but nonetheless it was "me time", I completely took that away from myself! In thinking last week of where I made the wrong turns, I knew stopping writing was one of them, then I realized my morning time was another. So I made a conscious decision that I would stop sleeping until 7 - 7:30 every morning and I would set an alarm *gasp* for 6 and spend at least an hour with myself before beginning my day. I plan to spend that time, reading, writing, and sipping my coffee. So good morning my coffee drinking friends, while we are not sitting around a table at the Front Porch or snuggling with each other's pups at Ashley's here I am drinking coffee with you! I miss you all!!!

The next thing I want to try to include at least once a week is a page from The Boy, the mole, the fox, and the horse, I want to take the time to unpackage the images and their meanings. Today's random image "Tears fall for a reason and they are your Strength not Weakness". Well if that isn't fitting as snuggly as my new workout pants. It is a conditioning, "Big boys don't cry.. we got to be tough" while not completely directed at me, it was something that was heard over and over and over. One of the things I remember being told at Deanna's funeral was to "Stop crying now... when we get home you can cry all you want, but stop crying now." Even as recently as a few months ago, my dad got very angry at me because tears were falling as I made dinner, simply because I was having a bad day. Sitting here typing this, I have to say, the weakness isn't in my tears, the weakness comes in that others (My dad just happened to be a good example for this writing purpose) are uncomfortable with the tears, they don't know how to make it stop and I believe it is instilled in most of us to make it better and if someone is crying, they aren't better. So the shortest route from A to B is the straight line of "TOUGHEN UP QUIT YOUR SNIVELING" instead of "Oh.. hey... are you ok? Would you like to talk about it?" or even better hand them a tissue and rest your hand on their shoulder, knee, etc just so they know you are there. Tears are absolutely NOT weakness, (I find myself sitting up straighter in my chair right nowk, with purpose and understanding) they show emotion, they show love, they show the true grit it takes to still be standing even after something truly horrific happens in our lives. So the next time someone says is put off by your tears, try to remember, that has nothing at all to do with your weakness, and everything to do with theirs. (that took a crazy turn I wasn't expecting) PS I love my dad and the fact he made me tough as nails, so don't get this all twisted

I am going to end Monday's post with a list of the things on the plate for this week in the newly created saga of "Trying to Find Re"

• Ponder the realistic-ambious goal
  
• Write the self hatred list (more on that tomorrow)
  
• Get to the gym at least 4 times this week
  
• Move every day... and not only from the bed to the desk chair
  
• Spend time with myself every morning.
  

So there we are my friends, a whole hours spent with myself, my thoughts and you before I ever logged into work. Feels pretty darn good.
What are you going to do for YOU this weeK?

Peace love and light,
Re

Good Morning! First yes, that truly is a “Good Morning!” Yesterday was filled with Okedness, which is good, not like an “I’m Fine” good but a true good good.

Don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean there were not a few tears, there were, and that is ok. Daddy called me last night just to check in, and asked if on our outing yesterday we did what Coach V said.
I feel like most days I follow that advice, the quote has resonated with me for years, it was kinda special that Daddy brought it up.

“Number 1 Laugh. Number 2 Think- Spend some time in thought. Number 3 You should have your emotions move you to tears.
If you laugh, think, and cry, that’s a full day, that’s a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week and you’re going to have something special”
~ Coach V 1943-1993

It’s a good process to follow. Try it, you have nothing to lose.

I would like to thank you all for your sweet texts and messages yesterday, it truly does help the day. To Deanna’s special friend, the one who makes sure she has balloons every year, please know that it means so much to me and I know it means a lot to her too!

I spent the morning as I wished, at home, sipping some coffee, writing, etc. Then mom and I went to have our nails done, I would like to say that it was wonderful, but my fingers are still sore and I would guess that hers are too. BUTTTTTTTTTT do I have a story to you.
I can promise you, if you envision this in your mind you will most definitely be moved to tears from laughter.

Here we are in this little small nail salon, mom getting a pedicure, by someone I am not sure should have even been answering a phone in a business. By the way what do you do in that situation? You go in for a service and the person they pair you with, you just aren’t comfortable with? This person was very rough and messy, not at all what you would want in your technician but on the way home we both decided we had no idea what do when that happened. I even explained that I had in fact suffered through a bad tech before, and then someone else swapped with me (Thanks Phyl) and they too had a bad experience. We just stopped going to that salon out so we didn’t to worry with it. What do you do?

Anyway I am veering off course here… (insert giggle) so she is in the foot chair and I am patiently (no not really) waiting on someone to do my nails. There are two other techs there just wandering around and on their phones, before you say they may have had appointments they didn’t, turns out they only have ONE person who does acrylic work, but they don’t bother to tell you that. All of a sudden up front there is a commotion! There is a lady waiting in line behind me to have her nails worked on, poor lady got there just minutes after me so she had to wait a long time, and I hear her say “I think this lady needs help” My first thought was that is obvious! So one of the cell phone techs goes flittering up to the front of the salon. “How can I help?”

The response was “HUFF… HUFF… PEDICURE.. HUFF.. HUFF”. The young tech then points to a chair near the back of the salon and the response to that was “HUFF HUFF… THE ONE IN THE FRONT.. HUFF”

Now let me set the scene for you, you all know me, I am not of small stature at all. I even consider myself super size (isn’t that a nice way to say fat) this woman was … “oh… my… lord…. “ and she had wheeled her big box store jazzy scooter up to the front of this salon.
Do you think this lady parked her scooter like in front of the store? Nope she had wheeled it right up to the dry your nails counter. Ok no problem guess she can’t walk that far, but still an odd place to park.

The tech comes to the front chair and starts filling it with water when I hear “I need help! HUFF HUFF” The tech turns to look at her client who is still nestled in her jazzy scooter seat. The client then says.. “I can’t walk over there!”

I mentioned this place was small right? By small I mean 40 foot long maybe, so the first chair is positioned with in 5 feet of where her jazzy current is resting, idling. I see the lady waiting making no moves to assist so it is then I realize ok they aren’t together.
The tech who is the size of a small 7 year old walks over and is a little befuddled as what it is she is to do, so she hand motions for the woman to make her way to the chair.

I am not kidding you here.. not at all.. there were witnesses! Bertha (she looked like a Bertha, not THAT Bertha but another one) attempts to wheel her jazzy to the chair, she bumps the counter because hello that isle is NOT MADE FOR NO JAZZY, and what does she do then?
She exclaims “THAT IS IN MY WAY!” Reverses said jazzy (I am thinking ok she is mad and leaving… wrong) Bertha throws Jazzy in drive and full speed ahead rams through the isle to get 2 foot closer to her chair! 2 foot!

So now she is stuck between the counter and the jazzy trying to get turned around, drops her cane, the poor tech is just lost. In the middle of all the shifting and twisting and huffing and puffing I over hear Bertha say “HUFF.. I MAY HAVE HUFF WAITED TOO LONG.. HUFF.. I TRY TO WAIT LONGER NOW” Well we can see why lady. And finally there was a resounding plop as her rear end made connection with her goal. She throws her running shoe clad piggies up on the foot rest.

Jazzy scooter is wedged in the isle just a tight as Bertha’s rear was in the chair. Bertha looks at her little in shock tech and says “Back that out will ya.’

Now I am in unfortunate line of sight with Bertha’s running kicks. Again I hear.. “It’s been awhile I waited a long time”

You guys know how I love Jurassic Park right? All I am going to say is kitchen scene, if you know you know, if you don’t google it and watch at the 51 second mark .. if you dare!

At this point it was my time for torture so I was distracted by my own pain and didn’t really see how she got out of the salon. I imagine it was much like getting in because NO ONE MOVED THE JAZZ. It sat there wedged in the whole time!

I understand completely and totally that people have needs and there are disabilities and I respect and support that, I will promise you that if I see you in a situation in which you need a hand I will run to your aid and needs.
This wasn’t that. This was more of “Is this REALLY HAPPENING??” versus “Oh my this person needs help!”

On the way home mom and I had our fits of giggles over the situation and since I have come up with a list of questions that I really wish I had asked.

1. How did she get from her vehicle to the in house store jazzy?
2. How did she get from her home to her vehicle and vice versa?
3. How did she get her feet in her shoes those talons??

Ok now that I have grossed you out I hope I least made you laugh. Bertha I hope you made it home ok!

The rest of the day was spent having a very leisurely lunch with my mom, on the way home she even exclaimed that she sure was glad we were friends now (no idea why she thinks we are… giggle) and then a quiet evening home alone.
I asked Deanna for a message late in the day and this is a portion of what I received.

“Life may not be perfect, but it is perfectly as it should be at the moment. It doesn’t happen often but every one in a while the elements fall into place and a peaceful moment of clairvoyance washes over our entire being. --- When your moment emerges, take the time to appreciate it. You have worked hard to get where you are and moments of true harmony and magic are few and far between. Don’t let your own self-criticism overshadow the truly wonderful things you have done”

I love you too may darling girl, for now, forever, and for always.

Like I said… I am ok. Today I am ok.

Peace, Love and Light
Re

I sit with my hands hovered over the keys that hold the power to unlock so much, for so many, and there is an ache in my fingers to fly over the letters we learned so long ago, the words yearning to be set free.


It's been a few years since I have written, you know like really on a consistent basis written, let the words come as they will. There has been a time here or there, but then I allowed things to bind my hands, my words, my thoughts and ultimately my beliefs.  Grief, stress, sadness, over abundance of commitments, the list could go on and on and on. I really shouldn't let that happen because then when I find the slightest little crack in the chains, my emotions erupt like a volcano. Fun times... not.


I know that the lessons being learned were contracted to me before this human experience even began, but I can tell you, that does not make the lessons any less ouchie. Even in the knowing, the feelings that I made a wrong turn years and years ago, or maybe it was in a different life, or maybe it wasn't even MY wrong turn, bubble up in my saddest of days when I allow the costume of strength, courage and just all around OKedness (yes I made that up) to fall to the ground. It's never pretty.


Why do I do this, why do I allow myself to be muted? Because, I have to be all the things to all the people and I can't be all the things if I am anything other than what everyone else needs me to be! Remember that wrong turn I mentioned...  still making it.


What I can tell you right now, today, this very second, if this part of my journey ended, it would be alright. That does not mean I hate my life, my life is good. I have a wonderful man, family, friends, job, it's not a bad place to be, if only it was not shadowed in the constant grief. That grief has a cast of darkness on everything. While I know it shouldn't, it does. It does not matter that I know what is done is done, or what is ... just is.  Knowing does not make it hurt differently and knowing does not make it any easier on anyone who loves me. Yea I see you tip toeing or holding the words you would other wise say, I wish you wouldn't, you are binding yourself in my grief and one person bound is enough.


I shared this weekend with another soulful being that I was waking up at night with my arms crossed tightly over my chest as if I was trying to protect myself. It is likely that I have been in protection mode for years in some capacity or another, but now feeling the physical manifestation and the actual pain and tiredness in my  arm when I wake up it is a bit too much too over look. It is time to explore, it is time to unlock, it is time to actually set myself free.


I don't necessarily know all of the needed steps to do that just yet, but I know that writing is one of them, it has been shown that the words I have to share are needed, they are important. I also feel deep inside that I have to stop hiding, stop hiding behind the fat, the food, the booze. I have to stop hiding and start moving.  In order to get out of the shadow, one must stop hiding in the depths of it and move directly out into the light.  What will be.. is just like what is.. already done.  So the choice to hide and stay rooted in sadness is likely doing nothing to protect at all. What is there to lose?

To my friends, my family, my people, I love each and every one of you whole-heartedly and completely. You are appreciated! I see you patiently waiting, I see reach out, I see you. I thank you. Please know I will be OK. Likely in for a little turbulence because I doubt that the walk to the light is going to be easy breezy.. but what I lack in strength and courage I make up for in hardheadedness, so I will get there.

May tomorrow.... 222... be a day of celebration of not only Deanna's birth, but a Re-birth as well... see what I did there? Allow the colors to shine through and be part of all that she was, all that she is, and all that she will continue to be.


Peace, love and light,

Re


~There are not spells for many sorrows in this world, and death is one of them. You can not bring back those who have stepped into the next world....   Alice Hoffman

Before I even start here, please don't tell me to suck it up and stop whining. The first thing you need to understand is that I have not been posting the good things in long posts, mainly because I don't have time, and secondly I don't need support with those things, those I am managing to muddle through with just fine, sorta. The hard things I need support with, the things that I just don't know what to do or why I am doing or feeling things, those I need your help and love with.

I am also going to not say ..  you don't know how I feel.. I am HOPING someone does. Somewhere.

I know Covid has hit hard in the last year, and devastated so many, no exception here, and I am sure that some would say I have it made. Maybe, but remember my, "it's your worst pain" theory? Well just because you THINK you have it worse than another does not mean you do, it just means you are judgemental. So if you are sitting there reading this and think to yourself, "I wish she would stop complaining" or "She really doesn't have it that bad" do yourself a favor, stop reading, and then go to facebook and click the unfriend button, because honestly neither of us needs that in our lives.

I fully realize that I have not really done anything to better this situation for myself, frankly there are a million reasons why but I will list off a few that seem to be the highlights.

• I am utterly overwhelmed - between work, the appointments, the cooking, the dogs, the constant sink of dishes, and a floor that no matter how many times I sweep, mop or vacuum it still is dirty it feels crushing, like every little thing weighs so very much and cost a fortune of time that I just don't have in the bank. 
• I am in physical pain - yea not even kidding, I can not recall a morning that I have woken up that I just didn't hurt, like all over, if I watch a TV show when I stand up my knees ache so bad it takes a minute, my hands ache like a bad tooth when I go to try to type if I have not been for a few hours, my neck, yea it only feels ok to look to the right, if you are on my left I am going to turn my whole body. There is no reason for this, I don't work out, I haven't fallen, I have not been in an accident. I just hurt
• My mental state - Between the depression of just being in the mix of what is going on around me and my friends and family, the seasonal depression, and the unending grief I frankly do not know how and or why I am still around. Being not around would be so much easier, but here I am. in all of my over-weight, under motivated, overwhelmed, depressed glory. yay.

I don't know how much of my "issues" are weight related and maybe none are, but I know in my head I hear. things like..

"You fat cow.. you wouldn't be x y or z if you were not fat."
"Hey.. you know if you would just work out you would not be in pain you lazy pig"
"People just say you are beautiful on the inside because your outside is nasty."
"You know your brother still thinks your repulsive, that is why he has little to do with you, because you are a wart hog"

This is the shit that is on a constant sound track in my head... constant loop.

I guess any normal person would take those things and do something about it. You know, work out, eat better, dress better (not sure how .. only thing I can get on that is comfortable are moomoo pants) act better. Yet.. here I am, with zero motivation. And by zero I mean none.

About the only thing I have been doing that is joyful, cooking, and I only recently realized exactly how joyful that was to me. I mean I have known I liked cooking, but I mean I really like this. I like the new things and the process, the down fall.... I eat it. I have absolutely no restraint. I cook things that I know my dad or Ed will eat and I will eat the same darn thing. Dad needs to gain weight, so there are lots of carbs, and breads, and pastas... none of which I should be eating. Frankly I have a whole list of stuff I am never supposed to eat again, but I keep right on doing it, the more I eat the bigger I get, the bigger I get the more I hurt, the more I hurt the more overwhelmed I am.... see that nice little circle? Ugh

So funny secret time, I played the lottery last week, in hopes of winning like everyone else, but I had this insane plan that I would take however much of that money I needed to and have myself committed to a fat/rehab/mental facility .. I don't think they exist so I was going to have one made. How ridiculous. I didn't win..  so that little plan is out.

I wish I knew what was wrong with me, I know my brain is not working right, I don't think we are supposed to literally hate ourselves right?  I also do not think that someone is supposed to hear a picture clicking, literally the sound of a hung photo, rattling against the wall. There was a noise, it wouldn't stop, it just kept clicking, I turned on the mediation music to drown it out, nope, I rebooted my computer, I listened to the fridge, I checked the mircowave.. nothing nothing nothing nothing.. randomly I took my finger and touched the frame, noise gone... let go.. noise back.. touch.. gone.. let go.. back.. there is nothing on the other side or on the connection to this wall that would even make it vibrate but here is the map of the Chesapeake bay is clicking to the point I want to scream. I think I am going crazy.

I know all of the metaphors and motivational speeches.. it has to begin with you, just do it, believe in yourself.. I have heard each and every stinking one of those things and nothing resonates or sticks. It's all there in my head, but the ugly is louder. I go to bed at night and think, tomorrow I will just walk a mile and do 15 minutes of yoga.. then tomorrow is today and today I don't have it in me to set up the yoga mat. Life isn't supposed to feel like this. 

The other day someone yelled at me that I had a problem, they didn't know what it was but something was wrong with me. Yea.. tell me something I don't know. How can someone so "functioning" be this broken? I read my words and think how did you even get up today, and I honestly don't know. How do you laugh, and smile, have conversation when it is already so loud in your head? I don't know. How are you going to keep going, and fix this.? I. DON'T. KNOW!

Selfish Needy. Crazy. Lazy. Mean.

For the record I don't think everyone hates me so that is good right?

I am not going to lie.. I have not really written a thing in 354 days. Nothing worth while anyway. I have no idea why I do that to myself. (oh wait maybe I did publish a few things on facebook will need to go try to find those later.. anyhooooo). I end up keeping all this stuff bottled up and in and sooner or later I implode, ok ok.. explode into a volcano of emotions that just do not come out in any good way.

Right now I am right in the middle of rock, meets hard place, meets lava, meets tsunami filled with hungry sharks and piranha. It is depression time. I am not unfamiliar with this time of year, it happens EVERY YEAR. It's like you are driving down the road and you SEE the 18 wheeler headed straight for you for a head on collision and your steering wheel breaks off in your hands and all of the doors mysteriously lock and all you can do is sit there in horror watching as it barrels toward the inevitable. I know it is happening, and no matter how many times I say "NO! Not this year!" here it is. Here we are.

Some one (I know you happen to be reading this :) ) told me this weekend to never put myself down again. So much easier said than done. Something happened on Saturday night that had me up most of the night, but the something probably wasn't that big of a something, but because of all of the other things in my heart and head it was huge. I went and I had a talk with my dad about it and in the conversation I relayed, that I was sad, that I missed my home, and I missed my friends, and that Mathews was a very lonely place for me. Which in turn only hurt his feelings, which was NOT the point. It was simply me saying, hey I need a little bit of grace here. This is hard. So I walked away feeling like a selfish spoiled brat.

In this situation I am not the center of the circle. Remember this? (facebook readers it is the circle image)

I probably had no business telling my dad how I felt, but I did, because I am not all that strong.

Side note: I will say this.. there is a little issue with that circle, it should not say "family members" it should say care giver, then family members, because in my experience they are not at all one in the same.

There are a plethora of things that are going "wrong" right now. You all know who I work for, so you can imagine that stress, watching my dad's failing health is utterly gut wrenching, seasonal depression that I can't shake, the grief process that is like a yo yo, having neglected myself and my own health (we won't even talk about how big my ass is right now).. this list just goes on, so I will stop, but the biggest thing stacked against me right now. I am hours and hours and miles and miles away from my support system.

I realize it is kinda shitty to call your closest people a support system and I hope no one takes offense because you are more to me than that. You are my family. You are my people. You are my life. I miss you all so so bad. It is hard to describe how much comfort a cup of coffee with your running buddies (not that I can run a 20th of a mile any longer) 3 or 4 times a week, or your besties calling you to meet for after work drinks, or, hey I have not seen you in a bit lets grab lunch, or afternoon adventures to the grocery store with your sisper, or having some Jackwagon telling you over and over and over that you CAN do it, or and last but most certainly NOT LEAST working 3 or 4 nights a week with your family change your life. I still suffered from the sad and darkness when there but around every corner was support in a network that I chose carefully out of people that I love and loved me. I wasn't the center of attention so please do not misconstrue what I say, but I was part of something bigger than this darkness. 

To those that are points of light here in Mathews, please don't be hurt, please know that the sparks of light that you bring to my table are so needed, and so appreciated, but it is also, so different. I am used to scheduling a day alone because my life was so full, Here, to me, it is so very lonely. Here you guys huddle in with your households, there is nothing is wrong with that at all. I celebrate with you that you can find happiness in that and here.  Right now I am just hoping that I can find enough to drag me through the pit one more year.

Believe me I KNOW I am a piece of crap for even feeling this way. I should just be grateful that both of my parents are here.  I should just be grateful that I am willing and able to help my dad in any and every way possible.   AND I AM GRATEFUL!! But at the same time I am sad, I am hurt, I am lonely. This is a very hard task to take on alone, and Ed... if it weren't for you... I would be in the nut house, so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE know I love you and each and every step of the way you have been here by me and I so appreciate that, but the truth is it isn't your job, you took on that role on your own and that means so very much to me. Also I hope you know when I end up in eastern state this is on you, I am sorry, I know you didn't sign up for this.

So now that I have gotten 99% percent of my total shit feelings off of my chest I am going to sit back and think about how much of a spoiled complete piece of crap I am and cry a bit more, (At least crying seems to help some) but I want to end on this note...

A few weeks ago my mom witnessed me completely and calmly take charge and control of a pretty traumatic scene. A few days later she said to my dad that some time ago he said she and I were exactly alike, but that he was right and wrong, that she saw that night I did get her ability to set aside what is actually happening in front of me and ensure that all the right things happen, you know so no one dies, but that I also have something all mine, that I will tell you what I think in a heart beat. Well mom, you are right, and you are wrong, for months I have held in how I feel, you know except to those I trusted to cry to, and this is where I am, a bundle of nerves, anger and on the verge of feelings I don't want to feel for another human, so you have been wrong about that, until now. Sorry Mom.

The last thing I have to say today is this.

If you happen to find yourself in your happy place again in the future.. you know the one.. the one that I made home, the home that I have not seen in months.. I hope you have fun, I really do, but I also hope you think to ask if maybe you could bring me my mail, or ride by and just check my house, or maybe even let us know you aren't in town... you know in case something happens.

You have hurt me for the last time and I have enough on my plate that I refuse to excuse your actions anymore and I won't just try to keep pushing it down, because frankly you are not going to be the reason I snap.

Love and Peace,
The only child

I wish I could explain this to anyone.. I can't, not well enough to for someone who doesn't feel it to understand it.

I keep saying it is loud. Because it is loud. It is loud in my head, that weird too many noises loud that you can't focus on the conversation someone is trying to have with you. Sitting in an overcrowded bar with no baffling and having someone try to explain quantum physics to you for a test you have to take loud.  And when I lay down at night it is quips and phrases that flash through the loudness and stirs the whole thing and you just can't grasp on to the one thing you should be thinking about, so your eyes may close but the colors continue to flash with the brightness of summer lightening.  Until finally I pass out from the insane amount of crap I have to take to make it slow down, with the last thought being please let it be quiet tomorrow. It hasn't been yet.

So I do the one thing I know how to do .. as my daddy calls it "I click". I sit in front of my computer and work because I can make that make sense because half of it makes no sense at all and that is ok.  The only thing that makes noise is my incredibly loud keyboard and it is almost a rhythm that puts my mind at some ease.

I don't want to be around people, it is way too peoply and it is just so damn loud and frankly uncomfortable. So right now I just need time to get the shitstorm to quiet down I am sure it will when it is ready, it always does but for right now I just need the understanding that when I am ready I will, because I always do.

What I need people to truly understand is when this happens, while I would at any other time tell you that the people who love me aren't judging me.. that is what my brain is currently screaming. Hell at times it is telling me you are judging me on things that people don't even know about!!! Like how would you know I put on yesterday's socks.. no way in hell you would.. but if I saw you in the store my grey matter would be saying.. "The know.. they can smell your old socks.. you are disgusting.. they know you are disgusting... RUN!"  FYI I put on clean socks this morning but I think you get the point. So it is just easier to not.

And do not get me started on eye contact... immediately find a different focus because if you don't.. they will see how ugly it is in here and hate me....

Yea it's that crazy in here.

Send Peace.

I honestly don't know which is which or if at this point it even matters.

I feel like complete hell. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.

I have once again done everything wrong. Year after year I say this is the year that it will all be ok! I will sail right on through, I will eat right, I will sleep right, I will work out, I will keep up with the house, I will continue my projects... and again here I sit ashamed and embarrassed that I have yet again failed at all things.

There is a possibility that I may have been on an 8 month manic episode. Yesterday when I was feeling so incredibly down I decided to write and I noticed that it had been exactly 8 months since I had written on my blog, then I scoured Facebook and again.. not a word of meaning or purpose. I have not written a thing since May 20th which just so happens to be the day that my dad fell off the roof. What I did notice is that I have not slowed down since that day and frankly since September I have been on a major spree. Everything had to be perfect. It started with my diet, my work out, my Halloween custom, Thanksgiving, Christmas and decorations, you name it .. it had to be just right and as things started failing because they always do it cost me plenty.. time, money, and apparently as I write this a good chunk of sanity.

So what does that mean, it means that all of the energy levels are all used up. Like a gas tank you just never refill and you ride on until the engine just stops. It means that cleaning the house is too much, it means that taking a shower is too much, it means that sleep at a normal time is too much, it means that getting up is too much, that sleeping is too much, that people are too much, it means that being away from my dad is too much, that it is all just too fucking much!

And facing it... the people... my friends.. my team.. my family ..when  everyone thought I was doing so good.... all I see is I am a fake, a fraud, a failure.

The two things I have been able to maintain and consistently succeed at over the last 4 weeks is eating and drinking every emotion and throw in a side dish of self loathing and you end up with this perfect storm.

I know sometimes when I write I all of a sudden come up with an answer, or see a light in it.. today there is nothing. Just dismay that I allowed this to happen again and the never ending question of why am I so damn weak?

It is not lost on me that my last update to this page was exactly 8 months ago today. It's not because I don't have words I have words I have lots of words. I actually probably need to back track to Facebook and post words that I have already written here. I oddly enough titled this Ghost before writing even the first word, maybe it is I that is the the ghost.  I sort of feel like it, that ghostly lost feeling of not knowing exactly where you are or what has happened or where you belong. I imagine that is how most feel moments after death in sudden journey goings. I imagine that those lingering waiting on their outbound train feel these things in the hours leading up to their departure. Me... I just randomly feel them because what is my life if not abnormal.

I chose Ghost because my first line was going to be "See that wagon? I fell off of it and it ran over me with all of its ghost in aboard." Now I don't even know if that is the truth, maybe I am the one driving the damn thing. So many good intentions and plans all laid out leading up to the holidays and what did I do but go....

What is it they say about the best laid plans and mice and men?

So here I am. Knowing I have to get my life back on track, my house back in order, my food back to normal, my projects back to working and I can't even muster the energy to shower. PS if you saw me in the food kitty today can we pretend you didn't? I am so far behind on things, I have two knitting projects .. ok maybe ten going that need finishing, I have yarn for a sweater that is sitting in the same place it was when I bought it. I pick up the yarn and just drop it back in the bag. I have an amazing book that I am reading about a killer ass (I had to.. it's a donkey named Sherman he is a bad ass) but I won't pick it up because my brain is such a fog that I know I won't really remember it.  I have about a dozen paintings in my head that I want to paint. One would think with all this do nothing time I would be caught up on lots of TV.. ha nope.  Everything it at a stand still.

I have zero drive.

I am sure I will unfunk myself sooner or later, until then I think I will hang with my ghosts, they don't know what is happening either.