Good Morning,
 
I am quite exhausted this morning, as I was last night, I even went to bed before 9 and still just .. dragging.  There is much to do this morning.  Packing up to head back to VA, some goat snuggling, etc etc so I need to shake it off. Yesterday was my appointment with a therapist, I call her a therapist because I had not yet decided if I would keep her, in an hour she said some things to me in ways that I just never looked at, or had the ability to look at, not sure which.  Of course yesterday was simply a grain of sand in the hour glass, a drop of water in the ocean but it of course began with where I am at the moment and some of the back story of the kids.

She asked me what it was exactly I felt when I thought of them, I quickly said guilt and regret. Without moving on from there she asks me, why that is what I felt. Simple I could have done more, I should have tried harder, I should have fought harder, and they would have been safe. She says.. really? How? What would you have done different those days that could have changed what happened? I had no response. She says I can tell you.. nothing. She then asked if I was driving either vehicle. No. I wasn't. Did you have the kids wear seatbelts any time they were with you. Yes yes of course. I am going to ask you again what could you have done any different that day to stop a 15 year old from jumping in a car with a friend, to stop a 19 year old from being carefree and forgetting her seat belt. My response was if I had fought harder they wouldn't be where they were and it would not have happened. She tells me that we don't know that, there is no way of knowing that it still would not have happened. She then says.. you are seeking something you are never going to find.. you are looking for atonement for their deaths when there is no fault.

That was all of 10 minutes max of the conversation, the rest was nearly as painful. We talked about why my kids were not with me when they were little, what led to those choices, and how I feel so much guilt over it and how that I was just a horrible mother and it was me who set all of these things into motion. She said something that floored me. I think I sat there with my mouth just hung open. She said just in the few minutes we have talked, I am not hearing that you were a horrible mother, what I am hearing is that you made choices for your children then that seem so wrong now because you are looking at it in the context of who you are today, not who you were then. What I am hearing is that you were a young mother struggling in many ways, not just financially, the likelihood you were going through episodes of mania and depression then is high, you made choices to keep your children safe, even if it meant they were away from you, that isn't a horrible mother, that is a incredible mother.  I am still not sold on that, but looking at it through her eyes it looks different. Again that was another 10 minutes. Do you see why I say I was and am exhausted from this?

There was more I wish I had taken notes, because it was just a whirlwind but yesterday was not about repairing it was the beginning of identifying. I am sure all of the things we spoke about will circle back around. In the end, she had become my therapist. I really liked her, I liked her vibe, I liked the way she spoke, not pushy yet forceful, with emotional but not pity.

I met with one of my beautiful friends yesterday morning for coffee. Her beauty is not just in her appearance but it also radiates from her heart just surrounding her in this light.  So we are talking and she goes.. You know you do that Robin Williams thing. (forgive me if my quotes are slightly off my brain is operating in a fog) I was like say what now? She goes, you flip a switch so that no one sees what is really going on. In the middle of talking with her I called dad and she said I wish I had recorded that, you were two different people. My response was, because my dad doesn't know. (again forgive the punctuation today I am just too tired to care). I then tell her about work and how they don't understand that they nearly broke me and she says "How would they?" and I was reminded of what my co worker said, "We all see you so strong and confident.. " For weeks and weeks I was all I am good I am great.. look at me doing all of the things!!! All of the things were good and great, except they weren't, if they were I would still be good and great, sometimes I think I am so good with the switch that even I believe it.  I don't know that it is a completely bad thing that I do this, but it can't be completely healthy either. I mean.. it is kinda like having some horrible disease and telling everyone you are perfectly healthy until you end up in the ICU nearly dead, and then going .. well I didn't want to burden you.  How can you get any help and support if you are over here going.. HEY LOOK AT ME WOOHOOO I AM WONDERFUL! When inside your soul is crushed.  I need to be better at communicating what I need, because expecting others to see and just do is unrealistic, especially when I veil the truth. Sure I write about it like a mad dog but if you see me, I smile and chat and want to hear about you and your life, or I am doing for you, cooking cleaning, and meeting all the expectations you have of me and you just don't see what is really happening. I don't think that is fair to anyone.

So as I said by 4 pm yesterday I was just plain exhausted but there was so much good in it all. My therapist validated so many of the things I have been writing about, how I feel stuck, she said that I feel it because I am. She even said you have a fear of moving because you are afraid of losing all of your memories, lady friend doesn't even know I write (well she does now) so she had zero way of knowing I had written that this week. She really was a crazy good fit, and has already started on a plan of action to get me in a better healthier place, for these things I am scared and excited, but it is better than where I have been for so long.

Signing off with this today, I know today's post was a bit scatter brained,  I am sorry, I hope that it at least shows I am getting help.

Peace Love and Light

Re

Over the last week I have really struggled with distancing myself from work. There is this one thing that I absolutely have to do every morning and usually I end up glancing through emails and I have taken a few calls. I still feel like I am being very unfair to my work team. Which is so confusing, I almost wrote comical but there is nothing funny about it. Eight years ago I allowed myself 5 days away from work when the accident happened, 5 days, to process and put away the absolute destruction of my entire world. I remember wanting to take longer, I remember reading in forums and groups of mothers who had taken weeks, months, etc to just heal and I was envious. I wanted that extra time then, it felt ok to take the time at the time because I had a good valid reason, but I also remember hearing, "You need to get back to your routine" and "It won't do you any good to take off the time it will make you worse" and my favorite yet "I don't know how you think you will do that you have bills". So I did not take the time, I still to this day have not taken the time.  Even when on vacation I have my computer close by, I take the calls, and I do a few little things, but why? Absolute fear they won't need me, or they will see that it is easier without me, because we wear our burn out like a badge of honor these days, and that needs to stop. This time though it is a bit different.

It sounds absolutely ridiculous to say "Hey, you know those things that happened 11 and 8 years ago? Yea well I need to take care of those now. I need to work through my grief". How do you even go about saying that, when you have prided yourself on working insane amounts of hours and are expected to be the yes girl?  Lets think about it for a moment. Can any one you think of a loved one you lost that in the first few days after passing you actually dealt with it? Or was it a month, a year, or some time later that it full on hit you like a freight train?  Why does it seem so abnormal to be able to state, I am really grieving right now and I need some time away? Yet it is just fine to say "Hey I was skateboarding the other day and fell and broke my leg, I will be out for 3 weeks" and just like that .. poof they are gone. We have absolutely got to normalize mental health, there should be no stigma attached, but oh the lovely media has a field day with stories don't they?

When we hear bipolar (using this diagnosis just because I know a thing or two about it) we have been trained by media to think of someone frantically doing things in a manic episode to a total crash and the inability to move in a depressive episode. That is just absolutely not the case, sure maybe to the extreme but most of us live pretty normal and high functioning lives. Manic episodes look more like, cleaning like crazy (maybe turning all the food cans in one direction in alphabetic order) filling our calendars so full that we have 0 down time, becoming obsessed over something, it could be a knitting project, it could be a deck spring clean, we could take on the work of 2 people at work because we can't say no,  we may spend too much money, but to someone who does not live with us daily, you likely would not even notice the episode.  A true depressive episode looks more like exhaustion that anything else, the house may not be as clean as it was, the laundry may be unfolded and just thrown about in piles, our hair may be a bit of a mess, we may not stick to a work out routine because it feels so sluggy, but most of us keep right on trying to do the majority of what we do on a normal basis, we go to work, we do the best we can to keep up with everything but it does feel overwhelming but again to someone who does not live with us on a daily, we look lazy.  Why is it not ok to even talk about this?

There are many theories on the matter but mine is quite simple. Mental health institutions were abused and over run by cases that simply didn't not belong there, your wife read too much, institutionalize her. Your son can't learn to read, institutionalize him. I have a list somewhere of all of the things that you could have someone involuntarily committed for and it was absolutely ridiculous. It should have just read, have someone in your life you want to get rid of, we have an open cot and some torture waiting!  It was bad enough they were over run by patients that didn't belong there, but with the lack of resources to care for these humans, they were treated in such ways that drove them quite mad, experiments and lobotomies and horrors that you just would not believe were performed on housewives that did not want to have children or your old boss who had an affair.  So eventually they were shut down one by one, only one little problem, there were people who truly needed help, Opp so sorry, can't help you. We threw the pendulum so far to the other side that instead of it being normal to "get help" that there just was no help to get.

Trust me, I get it those hospitals and doctors were a horror, but instead of closing the doors, we should have looked at what exactly was needed and reformed. Allowed for those that needed specialized care to receive it in caring setting, allowed for others that simply needed a reset and a help over the hump to be able to freely express where they were mentally as normal as it is to say "Hey I broke my leg".

It should be quite normal for me to say, "This grief thing, I really need to face it and work through it, and reset my heart, my mind, and my body, it is time, I am ready." We should be able to ask for help and take the time without fear. Why have we made this so abnormal?

Signing off today with this, this post went absolutely no where I thought it was so just take it for what it is and have a beautiful Friday!

Peace Love and Light

Re

It is so hard sometimes to do what is right. I don't mean the right like hold the door open for someone, or picking up a piece of discarded trash, I am talking about the right things for us.

I have fought so hard for the last decade to do the exact opposite of what is needed for me to be whole and happy. Re you may need medication to get you through where you are. Me: Nope I hate feeling like a zombie. (currently it is just making my insides shaky) Re you may need to eat right so you won't continue to gain weight. Me: Nope I like food too much.  Re you may need to cut out some of that drinking you do on a daily. Me: Nope I got this, it is just taking the edge off. Re you may need to talk to someone about what you are feeling. Me: Nope, what is the point I write so much better so I am getting it all out anyway. Re you really should focus on some exercise it makes you feel so much better. Me: Nope, I am just too tired from all the other stuff I am doing. Re I think you need to taker more than a week off of work. Me: Have you lost your mind?? Re I think you need some help. Me: YOU DON'T KNOW ME!! (I am sure Amanda laughed at that..)

There is good news in this, the truth is I don't know me. While I am strong as hell, I am also stubborn and bull headed, so instead of doing any of the things that my friends and family have been begging me to do for years I stood right in the middle of the storm that is my head, my grief, and my pain and let it just eat away at me.  If I stood there and held my ground, I wouldn't let her go, I couldn't let her go.. frankly .. I can't let her go. There is so much left to say.. and just no way to say it. I know I know.. whisper it on the wind she will hear.  I have, and yet I don't feel like she knows. It is like I am standing neither in the before or the after, but squarely on the spot where she left. Yes of course I realize that there has been time after, but like I said before it is like everyone else's worlds moved on and the time just ticked by and I watched it all happen. I am literally scared to death to move from that spot. I don't know who I am without her. This is so hard. 

All of those things up above, I have a check mark beside all of those them now with the exception of talking to someone, that box will be checked tomorrow at 2. I did it, I made calls around and talked to some very good friends I found someone who had an opening and who I trust because my friend trusts her.  I am very anxious about it, so many what ifs are going through my mind, but I imagine if I was not anxious and scared about it I wouldn't need the appointment to begin with. I am so hopeful that with time, patience, and strength that I will be able to move on from this spot, I don't think standing here any longer serves a purpose, not for me and certainly not anyone else, and holding her here in my guilt and regret is not allowing her to shine in love, it is shadowing all of the sweet memories I should be cherishing.

What is it they say... the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? Well how about seeing exactly what is that is happening to you and what is wrong and not being able to stop it, control it, or fix it in anyway.. I think that is the definition of bat shit crazy. (PS this is not a medical diagnosis and I happen to love bats so the definition may not work for you and that is ok!)

I did get up this morning and worked out with my friends. I felt very sluggy and just like I had legs of lead, but I kept going around and around and around that big ass circle (it probably wasn't a quarter of a mile but it felt like 3 miles) and in the end I felt better, my spirits were lifted. I enjoyed time with friends over coffee and a few quiet minutes with Banx just watching the waves roll in. I would give just about anything if that could just be life for awhile, working on myself and letting the universe just heal me. I didn't have a good plan, but do we ever? There just isn't way I see to achieve that currently so I will continue to fight through until it can happen.

In the mean time I am going to clean out my office, because I need a space for work that is not also the safety of my home, not sure how that is going to work in Mathews but I guess something will come to me.

Signing off today with this.. do you know someone who is struggling a bit today? Reach out.. just say hi. Those reach outs over the last week have meant so much to me.

Peace, Love and Light

Re

Note: get a cup of coffee this is going to be long but oh so worth it!

Yesterday was frightening, enlightening, sad, happy, exhausting, energizing, questioning and validating... it was everything so jumbled up that I am not 100% sure I will be able to capture it all.

The day actually started in the wee hours of the morning picking up Drake from the airport and by wee I mean 12 am, when I got home it was 2 am and the alarm was going off after 2 hours of sleep.. you know what normal people call a nap. Off to OBXFit I went, to be with my friends, my family, my people for the first time in a very long time, to say I was both excited to be with them and terrified is an understatement. I was so scared I wouldn't keep up, I was even more afraid I would not fit in, I was so utterly terrified that the new people would see the inside and how jumbled and messed up it was, I was afraid the old people (giggle) would no longer tolerate what I had now become.  That is what depression does to  you, it truly robs you of yourself and the ability to emotionally navigate through situations that most people would consider fairly easy.

It is also the behavior of a severely depressed, over thinking, empath who has shut herself away from people for quite awhile now. Let's talk about that for a few shall we because I think it helps explain so much, and it also sheds some light on a few things that people have brought up lately.. 

10 traits of an empath ~ Judith Orloff MD.

1. Empaths are highly sensitive
Empaths are naturally giving, spiritually open, and good listeners.

2. Empaths absorb other people’s emotions
Empaths are highly attuned to other people’s moods, good and bad. They feel everything, sometimes to an extreme. If they are around peace and love, their bodies take these on and flourish.
3. Many empaths are introverted
Empaths become overwhelmed in crowds, which can amplify their empathy.

4. Empaths are highly intuitive
Empaths experience the world through their intuition.
5. Empaths need alone time
As super-responders, being around people can drain an empath so they periodically need alone time to recharge their batteries. Even a brief escape prevents emotionally overload.
6. Empaths can become overwhelmed in intimate relationships
Too much togetherness can be difficult for an empath so they may avoid intimate relationships.
7. Empaths are targets for energy vampires
An empath’s sensitivity makes them particularly easy marks for energy vampires, whose fear or rage can sap their energy and peace of mind.

8. Empaths become replenished in nature
The busyness of ever day life can be too much for an empath. The natural world nourishes and restores them. It helps them to release their burdens and they take refuge in the presence of green wild things, the ocean or other bodies of water. Can I say that louder for those in the back?
9. Empaths have highly tuned senses
An empath’s nerves can get frayed by noise, smells, or excessive talking. If you don't believe this is true.. just ask Ed..
10. Empaths have huge hearts but sometimes give too much
Empaths are big-hearted people and try to relieve the pain of others.

10 Traits of an Over Thinker ~ the interwebs

1. They think everything is their fault

2. Need constant reassurance

3. Make up scenarios in their head

4. Are sensitive and emotional

5. Assume people are mad at them, sometimes for no reason

6. Needs someone to listen to them

7. They care a lot for others instead of themselves

8. They read between the lines of text

9. They can't let things go

10. They over love

Now that you have the sweet little lists.. I feel like I should have named it.. the things that make up Re.

Since I started really looking for ways to help and cope with what is happening with me, more than one person has asked me about finding a group that I can attend that may lead to some insight and understanding, and for one unlucky soul the response they got wasn't that great, it was me just full on sobbing saying "I can't because I leave feeling worse because I feel all of that hurt!" I fully realize that to someone who doesn't understand how that works how nuts it sounds, but believe me it happens.  Re? Are you spinning this some where or are we just .. what are we doing here... Yes we are, going somewhere give me a minute will ya..

We all know where I have been for a year and what I have been doing right? Ok good. We also know that due to Covid there has been so little interaction with people that it limited who I was around to a very few select people, and basically work. Work... incredibly stressful... and I take on more and more and more because I want to help people, I don't want them to feel the way do they so I take it.. and take it.. and take it... Home, Dad and I most of the time, who was so incredibly sick for so long, so there was pain, fear,  disappointment.. Friends going through trials and tribulations.. I got you boo.. give it all to me.. My mom grieving, searching for ways to help. (Please do not read into this.. it isn't all bad.. there are some incredibly beautiful moments and memories!!!) The issue with all of this, is what I took on was never level set. I never took the time for myself to release all of what I took on, and I didn't have the group of my people to recharge me with love and peace.

So here I am yesterday morning over thinking the hell out of going, and even more terrified of having coffee after, you know where you have to actually be with the people and you can't just stare blankly ahead doing kettle bell swings, but I went and some damn amazing things happened. I was not ever left behind nor could I not keep up, i never felt rushed to perform the exercise in front of me and took the time to ensure my form was correct as I was doing them. We ran, we walked, we encouraged each other, and even as I was swinging that 18lbs around I could feel the weight lifting off of me. The feeling of determination surrounded me, it was coming from me and the others around me and by the time we were done, I was smiling and ready for coffee! Those minutes there surrounded by my friends who were starting their days with smiles and happiness and their genuine happiness to see Banx and I, it set about recharging me for the day. A long driveway chat with a dear friend allowed release and just a soft spot to land with my feelings.

When I got home I sat over my coffee and thought, I need help. Like from people. No self help book is going to help me right now, I need a bridge to get over this river of lava. I made a couple of calls, but found that it was near impossible to find an appointment with a therapist, which I desperately need, yes I just said that. In the mean time I called my primary doctor and set up and appointment in hopes that he could get me in with someone who can figure out what to do next. I reached out to another close friend just randomly about some pictures and we set up a lunch date, to say that lunch date was everything I needed is an understatement. She talked, I talked, we talked and another friend joined in and talked and what I walked away with was knowledge and even more strength. It validated that yes I do in fact need to seek a new therapist, one that helps me work through where I am, and not just listen to whatever random crap is in my head at the moment, I need the help to process myself through the big stuff. The ending of my lunch date I must say was the best. My friend, this incredibly beautiful soul who has been through so much herself, was excited.. she was excited for me. She was excited to see what happened next, because she believed, like I, that this time.. it was different.

Banx and I spent about an hour on the beach just taking in the ocean and the sun, attempting to nap.. that didn't work out so well .. and when the lady up wind from me started chain smoking I knew it was time to go, I took it as my sign that I was being smoked out.

And then I did the hardest thing I have done for myself in a long long time. I kept that appointment. I walked in and I told the nurse and my doctor exactly where I was, what I was experiencing, what I had done and where I wanted to go and that I thought I needed help.

They both agreed.

The good news is they also agreed that I am doing things exactly as I should. That taking care of myself physically, through exercise and eating in a healthy manner is a very good thing. My doctor also did what I was most fearful of, prescribed me a new medication. We all know how I feel about those.. if I am zombie next month will someone please tell me?? That is a pretty big deal for me, but I know in my heart that I have to do something. There was so much validation in that little room yesterday. My doctor doesn't know I write so he would have had no way of knowing what I felt about where I was but he piped right up and said, for years you have been grieving but never allowed yourself to work through it, and until you work through it you are continuously going to circle back around to this. He also said that he can only imagine how exhausted I am and that I am doing the right thing in trying to recharge myself and reaching out for help getting through this and not just covering it up again. He also said that in no way did he feel like I was an alcoholic at all, so if I chose to not drink or drink that should just be a choice of my own accord, which I thought was funny. For now, I am not.

The biggest thing  he said to me yesterday, and I call it big because it was huge in my mind.. .like mic drop huge, and I don't think I have ever heard it put this way before, if I have it was lost in the fog..

"You face your grief because your goals demand it"

I stopped right in my track and said.. "what??" He repeated it, allowed me to process it and hugged me.

This morning I googled the quote because I needed to see where that came from and I found this.

“It’s about being a warrior. It doesn’t matter about the cause, necessarily. This is your path and you will pursue it with excellence. You face your fear, because your goal demands it. That is the goddamn warrior spirit.” ~ Alex Honnold

So he modified a tiny bit, but he caught my attention, and he was so spot on. It is time to face this, all of it, my grief is my fear, my fear is my grief. Some part of me is afraid of facing it, because it feels like letting go of the sadness is letting go over her, but another part believes that in my sadness I have kept her trapped here with me and it is time for me to let her go with peace and love...

Signing off today with this.. I know it was long, go rest your brain, it was a lot to take in.

Peace Love and Light

Re

Ya'll I done gone right on over to someone else's page and stole stuff! I am sure she does not mind in the least but they aligned so deeply with how I am feeling that I just needed to take them.

First off I am going to stop saying first off because quite frankly by the end of the post I am like on thirty third off... Anyhow.  46 days ago today I restarted the journey of putting Re back together. I think it is quite obvious to everyone that the last week of that I have ripped out a few pieces stomped them all to hell and now trying to put those back together too, I am starting to think they just don't belong in the new picture, that happens from time to time.  I am over here fighting my ass off to become better and doing all the right things physically to be that better person but the mental aspect of it all, not so great. You see those first weeks, I was putting those wobbly rocks of mine down, and I was just too busy with those to really notice a few things. Mainly there there were a some things standing around the hole kicking in sand, they were not doing it for a helpful foundation either, it was more of the let me bury her alive kind of thing.

Doesn't that always seem to happen though? I can hear the old folk in my head saying "The devil is after ya" but in all seriousness why does it seem that when we try to better ourselves, become healthier something inevitably comes along to kick sand in our eyes? Trying to be a better runner? Let me help you out with a pulled hammie. Trying to lose weight? Let me pop 3 pounds up on the scale just for the fun of it (yes that happened... damn it) Trying to have peace in your heart? Let me send as many unpeaceful stressful things at you all at once. Trying to get out of debt? Let me send you that bill you totally didn't see coming. Isn't it always something?

The hard part about this is navigating it. Some people are "It is what it is" people, here is your warning, be very frightened of those people. They have reached a point in their life that the rest of us can only long for, peace in all things, which means they could either hug you or cut you... either way they good.  I try to fake that every now and again, I usually fail but I try. It is obvious I am no where near that right now, in fact I cared just a wee bit too much and ended up in a very unhealthy situation, but something different happened. I looked around and saw things for what they were. I didn't know what to do about them but I saw it. I saw "the devil after me" and for once I was absolutely determined that this was not going to bury me, or knock me off my game. It may slow me down for a day or two as I recoup and regroup, but stop me it will not.

 So side note.. I just called a few places.. and seriously.. no one can see me? That's fun. Just another one of those things.. decide you want help, some validation and someone to talk to.. yea we can see you in 2 months. Okie dokie.. I should have planned my break down better.

Here I am, exhausted, hurting, and just over all not well, but I still got up this morning and did something to better myself, something that would make me feel better about myself, my life, and my over all health in the long run. I plan on doing the same later today, but for now.. right now.. I am going to sleep. I know I said I was going to read and read and read some more on how to help myself but frankly I am just too tired to absorb the words.

Here's to using the sand to shore up those wobbly rocks.

Peace Love and Light

Re

Good Morning! Ohh doesn't that sound happy lol.

So here we are. Another Monday.. another scale hating me day. I ate ham yesterday.. I need to stay away from ham! Bet you anything it will level out again in the next couple of days. Or maybe my scale just literally hates Mondays!

I have not really worked out since Friday's free for all, we went for a long walk at Beverdam yesterday and it was really nice. The puppies enjoyed it so much. Then I came home and slept for two hours.. two hours.. had the dogs not barked I am not sure how long I would have slept, the odd thing... I went right to bed last night and when the clock when off 8 hours later.. I could have still slept. I am tired, like super duper tired. (side note I do not have a fever or any sickness related symptoms) I think I am exhausted from just battling every day to appear normal, especially in public when all I want to do is just sit down and cry.  I know many of you are wondering what in the world is wrong with me.. let me start by telling you what is NOT wrong with me.

• I am NOT at the bottom of this hole.
  
• I have NOT fallen off of the wobbly rocks, they are still there standing firm
  
• I do still believe with all my heart that this time FEELS DIFFERENT
  
• I do not want to die
  
• I still have every desire to continue to building on the rocks below me to get out of this darkness, if not forever, at least the majority of the time.
  

Let's talk about what is wrong, or maybe it is what is right, I am not sure yet. I am going to use an analogy that makes sense of the senseless, I am actually going to use a couple of analogies today.

So this one day you are carrying on about your normal life, minding your own business, thinking everything in your world is beautiful and a meteorite comes barreling through the atmosphere and goes right through your roof into the heart of your house! It rips a hole in your roof, through walls, floors, destroys some of your belongings and finally stops its trajectory in all of it's burning glory in the fire place, just there smoldering, right in the heart of it.  You happen to live alone, this is your house, so no one really will see the damage on the inside unless you invite them in, but you know if you don't do something with that outside any future weather is going to pour in and that would be really bad, not to mention everyone can see that awful hole. You take a look at the hole for a little while trying to figure out how to fix it, but you just don't have the tools, or the materials to do a proper job so you run to the hardware store and get yourself a tarpaulin (yes I used the whole word because my dad does and it tickles me when he says it) You estimate that you need a 5 by 5 square and you set about to patch up your roof, you even paint it the same shade as your shingles so it is not so noticeable, and you stand there on your yard waving happily at your neighbors hoping they don't notice the tarp. Over time you start realizing that the 5x5 isn't big enough and you continue to have to get bigger and bigger tarps to cover the hole so people won't really see, no matter how hard you try that tarp just wont' keep all the weather out and that hole is getting bigger and bigger. Your neighbors they all know what you are doing, they all whisper about you and that tarp, but they wave right back at you and smile, because they have no idea how to fix a roof either. But the worst part, the most horrifying part, is not that roof, or that tarp, it is the major destruction inside that none of them see at all, because you have spent so much time on that damn tarp you have not even been able to address the inside damage at all! You have been living among broken glass, buckling walls, splinters of wood all of these years and no one knows.. because you are standing on the front yard waving hoping they don't' see that hole in your roof. Finally the day comes, there isn't a tarp big enough, you have hidden that hole for so long but it is now impossible, so in front of the entire world you have to take of the tarp and reveal that hole, and in doing so because there is just no roof left they can see the major devastation on the inside too. You have no choice now but to let everyone really see, and you have to ask for help to fix that hole up right, and repair your walls, and clean up the glass. That meteorite though.. that has to stay, it cant be moved, but you can rebuild around it.

That my friends is where I am.  I never repaired any of me from that day. I have been covering it with a tarp day after day and now that I really want to fix that hole, and rebuild those walls, I am having to expose myself, the damage, the pain, and frankly there will likely be some destruction in order to rebuild, you can't rebuild a wall with the broken lumber still in place. And it is EXHAUSTING! Physically and mentally. Do I know how to rebuild that roof yet, nope.. not in the least, but what I do know is that tarp isn't working, so as badly as I want to put another one on there and just paint it to look like I roof I know with every fiber of my being that is not the answer. Ed thinks that knowing there is a problem is the first step in the battle, I am sure he is right. Others say leave it with God, sounds so simple.. it isn't. Others say just suck it up, ummmm hello that hasn't really worked. I don't know where to go for tools right now, but what I do know is I don't think I have the right ones, yet.

It is quite obvious I am dealing with something huge over here, even to myself. I have gotten depressed before, it was ugly, I was really sad, literally just wanted to not live at all anymore, I cried a lot. This right here.. this thing I am going through isn't that. Yes I am depressed, probably what would be considered severely, but at the same time, I don't want to die, the issue is I WANT to live, I want to live my best life, and I don't know anything about that territory, I am not depressed because I am still here, I am depressed because I am still here and still so damn hurt and want to be normal and LIVE A LIFE THAT IS MEANINGFUL. I want to help people... I want to help people like me, but alas .. I can't help myself right now. I truly believe that part of this exhaustion is battling my way out of here, and balancing on those rocks so I don't fall back down to where I was. I also think I have cried more in the last week than I have since that week the meteorite hit.  I am not talking cry at a movie cry, I am talking about crying when I am trying to talk, (PS Mom.. just a side note, when I sound gruff or rough or mean .. it is because that is what it sounds like when I am TRYING to talk and NOT cry) crying until my eyes literally hurt and just full on sobbing because the hole in the roof hurts so badly and there just isn't a tarp to cover any of it up, and no one knows what to do.. including myself.

Here is your second analogy of the day.

I said yesterday that as horrible as it sounds, it would be easier if what was wrong with me were cancer, or I was an alcoholic because those are acceptable and have acceptable means of treatment. If I had cancer everyone would be meal training, setting up doctor appointments, stays in the hospital for surgery or treatments would be normal, time at home resting, normal, take all the time you need, we are here for you. If I were an alcoholic, oh man.. let's find you a rehab, spend a few weeks getting yourself back together, we got this stuff out here, you are too valuable to lose, we are so proud of you that you see you have a problem and are getting help. Instead I got a damn meteorite through my roof and not a damn soul knows what do to and heaven forbid you tell your job, hey I have this meteorite... that went through my house , yea I know it was a few years ago, but I have tried patching it up so I wouldn't be away or lose any time except that 5 days when it first happened and I need to take a week and clean this mess up or the whole house is going to fall down and there won't be a me to come back to work.. ever. WHY ARE METEORITES NOT ACCEPTABLE REASONS TO BE AWAY??

Ok you get it right? The meteorite is the accident, it is never going way.. it is stuck right there in the heart of me. The roof, my poor brain with all of it's emotions and feelings and hurt and pain, that have been covered over with that tarp of food, alcohol, and a few tossed in prescriptions. The destroyed inside of the house, all of the damage that I have physically done to my body since the accident, by drinking too much, eating too much, not seeking help when I needed it. I absolutely need to clean this mess up without using tarps. I absolutely need to find the tools. I need to know why people find it so unacceptable to have a brain illness, but if I had a brain tumor.. completely fine.

There was so much more that was this was supposed to say but I have to get to work... but I will finish up saying, the photo of me and De.. that is who I need to get back to. I want to remember that woman who smiled with pride, not smiled hoping the neighborhood doesn't see her tarp.

Signing off today with this, where in your life do you see someone that is using a tarp? Is there a way to reach them, lovingly, letting them know it is ok that they use a tarp but you would really like to help them make the repairs they need?

Peace Love and Light

Re

Happy Easter. Today is supposed to be a time of new beginnings and changes and beauty in the world. The Easter Bunny didn't visit .. I think I was forgotten in the tomb, because it is still so dark in here.

Yesterday was a good day, please make no mistake about it, I didn't cry at all.. after 9 am anyway.. We spent the day meandering about, walked around Yorktown and had a delicious dinner at Surf Riders. There was absolutely nothing in the world to complain or worry about, except the thoughts that continued to bang around in my head, they were and continue to crash into each other, and sometimes they even blend together and that makes things even more fun.  I laid in the bed an hour and a half after waking up this morning trying to calm them, trying to quiet the storm, it didn't help much.

As I was googling images for today's post I came across one that just kinda stopped me in my tracks. "Alcoholism is a well documented pathological reaction to unresolved grief". First off I still don't believe I am a alcoholic, and I am still not saying that I will never have a drink again, but, what I do know is that for almost 8 years I would say the majority of the nights were spent drinking enough that I would likely not pass a sobriety test. So you are wondering why I say I am not an alcoholic, for the same reason I am not an addict. I just don't have that personality. Maybe you think I am lying to myself, and that is ok for right now, but what I can tell you for a fact is, any time I chose to not drink, I just didn't. When I made the decision to stop taking enough Xanax a day to sedate a small horse (they were prescribed and most days I didn't take the full dosage) no one made me cut back, I did it on my own until about 3 weeks later I just stopped. The problem is when I stopped the Xanax I drank more, when I drank more I got even fatter. Vicious cycle going on. Re are you spinning here? No.. no I am not.. this is going somewhere I promise.

The last time I stopped drinking it was for 90 days, I documented that and we have talked about it and it wasn't horrific. This time I am 44 days in, so roughly half of the time and I am losing my mind. Not because I want a drink, not because I have this overwhelming desire to drink all the vodka's and all the wines (they are still surrounding me.. I have enough in the house to throw a small party if anyone is interested in hanging out). It is because there is absolutely nothing to stop, calm, or dull the thoughts that are inside of me, I know I am quite literally losing my mind. The last time I went cold turkey with no substance modifications, it was late summer into early fall, I was absolutely hopping at both jobs, I was working out at 530 in the morning, my life was complete and utter chaos and I made it that way. If I am doing so many things that require me to be out of my own head, the scrambled mess that is happening in there can't take over completely, maybe just a few weeks of the morbs. This time, I stopped 2 days before Deanna' birthday, 2 weeks before Little Dustin's angelversary, 60 days before De's angelversary... and there is absolutely NOTHING to stop or slow down the thoughts and this pain. Fun times.. fun times.

So what does that have to do with anything else, every damn thing. I guess the first thing we should get right on out of the way and I know I have said this before, I know I am crazy. I know that what is happening to me mentally isn't right or normal, I also can't stop it. You know how I was talking about burning stuff down? Picture it like this. You are standing there, and you see this little fire, just a flicker of a flame close to some dry brush, you think to yourself, "Oh, I better put that out before it starts a forest fire." So you grab the hose and you rush over and you look down to turn on the hose and realize that oh shit.. you grabbed the hose to the gas pump.. you are screaming in your head "DO NOT DO THAT!!!! DO NOT TURN THAT ON!!!" Yet every other fiber of your being can't hear you.. and you turn it on. That is what it is like, you know you are burning shit down but have absolutely no ability to stop it. When my brain is not working, when there is no chaos or substance on the outside to dull the chaos that is happening on the inside that is exactly what I do.. burn shit down. 

I am going to give you a few examples of what I mean.

Let's take a friendship first.
Me: Hey your friendship means absolutely everything to me, but I really need XYZ (yes I use letters and numbers to redact details)
Them: I don't want or need that so no.
Me: I understand but I need it for my own sanity and security
Them: I don't want or need that so no.
Me: Can I try to explain why?
Them: Sure but I don't want or need that so no
Me: Explain Explain
Them: annoyed a bit
Me: Panic Explain, shit that makes no sense, retract, explain, anxiety.
Them: you know this is stupid and still no.
Me : full blown panic, jumbled up confused explanation
Them: you are making no sense.. you don't need this either
Me: ABORT MISSION! F YOU.. GET OUT OF MY LIFE.

Let's look at works situation:

First thing that should be noted is I have many more items on my to do list than can easily fit into a 40 hour week, yet I am limited to a 40 hour week, so that is a cause of stress to start with. Add in the stress of what I actually do, there is a double whammy, add in that I no longer work insane hours so I have so much more head time in my not at work hours, triple whammy. So we end up with scenarios like last week.

Small fire.. ut oh.. got to put that out.. oh no another has sprung up.. put that one out, crap the other one wasn't fully out, it is refueling, omg there is a third one! It goes on and on and on until the last day you are in a meeting, and you are Anderson the Expert (video here you really want to watch this ( https://youtu.be/BKorP55Aqvg ) but at the same time you are explaining perpendicularity and why you can't make red lines with green ink, all of the insecure thoughts, and questioning yourself, and trying to understand what exactly it is that someone wants when you can't understand their question to begin with, and panic sets in and you may not make sense anymore, because you can't even pay attention closely to what you are saying because you are so busy trying to figure out what it is everyone wants and the solution because you are the expert and you know full well that the way they are asking it to be done doesn't make sense but you can't explain why, oh hey I know you are trying to figure this out but by the way your daughter died 8 years ago, do you remember that? Also you are fat and stupid and how did you even get this job anyway!  So the meeting ends with you in tears and apparently everyone else mad.

Minutes later you get an email from your boss telling you how frustrating you are, there were people named by name who found you frustrating and how you need to perform better and present better, but you are already in full out tears, then you see one of the people he named you considered a work friend, and for the life of you, there you can't figure out what you did to annoy them so badly. So your brain immediately goes running for the water hose because EVERYTHING is now on fire... which remember from above is actually gasoline and your only out is quitting the job you have had for 20 years, because you suck, you are stupid, and all you do is frustrate people and you can't even soften this with a bottle of wine at the end of the week!!! You then spend the rest of the day trying desperately to figure out what you did to your friend, only to find out the only thing you did was nothing, it wasn't even true.

What needs to happen, what honestly full on absolutely SHOULD happen is I take the week off of work, I find a doctor willing to help me sort through some of this shit and I go somewhere alone and work on me, because 8 years of wine and xanax suppressed emotions, grief and feelings are RIGHT THERE and are little sparks by that brush, I see them.. sparking their little selves all around. I should be able to go to my boss and say, "Hey, I really need to talk to you, I need to take this week off, I realize it leaves everyone in a bind but this is incredibly important, not only for myself but all of my future work as well." but we don't live in a place that is ok. I don't work in a place that is allowable or accepted, especially since as I have been told " I present myself as a strong, confident and arrogant woman" If they only knew inside I am absolutely trembling in fear that I am going to mess up and get fired so I am constantly trying to help everyone with everything so the wheels don't fall off and our customers have everything they need. Except like the mechanic my own damn car is falling the hell apart!

It is so weird to me that I can write all of this out, and I know exactly what is happening but I don't have the ability to fix it and or explain what I need, or apparently explain to others what they need without the chaos of all of the fires banging together into my thoughts and confusing things. One sure fire way to know I am spinning, I talk too fast, I interrupt, and repeat a word over and over. Like Hang on.. I may say it 4 times before I can get the rest of the thought put together, it happened Friday on my call, I was fussed at for it. I was seriously treated like that 4 year old who had annoyed you in his retelling of something exciting to him when he got hung up on and then and then and then... "we heard you say hang on the first time" and I literally outloud said "Oh I thought that was in my head" to which in my head all I heard WAS YOU FUCKING MORON.. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!

Over the years I have been diagnosed with so many stupid things that I could use an entire alphabet behind my name. Likely some of them are true, some of them aren't, but which ever they are, other than my medications I take to go to sleep at night (it is the only peace there is right now), I am fully non-medicated. Why would I do that to myself, why don't I just find someone to give me something, because no one is invested in helping the issue, they are fully invested in try this pill, try that and if they don't work, they up the dosage or change it again and never ever have I felt healthy when taking them. What about therapy? Yea what about it? I had a good therapist once, she felt more like a friend, but at the time I was so medicated it didn't help, it was literally just me talking and talking and talking. You now like I do here, so tell me how does that help? Other than the total stress of spending $500 bucks or more a month that since you are now only working one job don't really have.

What I want to do .. right this very minute.. is quit my job. Enroll in school, study psychology figure out how to fix myself and help others! But that just is not possible, neither is taking off work and helping myself, or finding help, or even finding a few days of peace.

So tell me.. how am I supposed to do this again? I so badly want to snuggle on the sofa today, watching bad tv, with my snuggly blanket, and a bottle of wine or two just to shut up the damn thoughts, so I can go back to work tomorrow, face the fires, and see if I can articulate my thoughts so everyone gets what they need. Instead I am going to the park to walk the dogs.. yay more thinking time.

Fuck me..

Peace Love and Light

Re

Warning Label:  this post is littered with F Bombs.

This week has been ... AWFUL! My eyes literally hurt this morning, from crying. My life has been such shit this week that even when I went to google things to do in Williamsburg today the ads were.. and no I am NOT EVEN JOKING A LITTLE BIT...  "Doctor's Bathroom habit can help you stay effortlessly thin and pretty, no extra diet!" Which also feature 5 very large logs of poop on a tray and then as I thought well that is disgusting, the next add on the next feature attraction of Williamsburg was "Healthiest way to wipe your butt" I know I can make a story exciting with a few added words.. but even I can't make this stuff up. Having said that I will not be going to Williamsburg today, I don't know where I am going but that seems to be an omen that it will either be a shitty trip or I may get the shits and not wipe properly. Isn't this lovely coffee conversation??? Maybe the pain in my eyes is directly related to what I am seeing in my ads! Yuck.

So here I am going merrily along and things started going awry on Monday at work, I was like.. hmmm... this is not fun and unexpected because we were already in stress time of a release, but this was MORE.. and the week continued to build and build and build more and more pressure and stress, then some very unsavory emails to me about how basically I suck, you know I suck at something I have been doing for 20 years... if that isn't a blow. And then it was Wednesday and my skin started to spark. What does that mean you wonder? It means my anxiety was so off the charts that I felt it on my skin like electricity, because of everything going on and work and .. April.. then before I could blink it WAS April and my skin wasn't just sparking it was full on short circuiting, along with my brain, my heart, my everything. It was built on a combination of things

• Stress
  
• Feeling unappreciated in my personal and professional life
  
• Trying to hold everything together, work, working out, cooking, cleaning (that one has fallen by the way side. please don't surprise visit me.. it makes things that much worse!)
  
• Having given up my vices, I was talking to my mom yesterday about everything that was going on and work and explaining how dreadful it has been and when I was finished I sat there for a second and then exclaimed "AND I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING DRINK!!"
  
• The need and desire to be left alone by everyone and everything for just a bit, but feeling so incredibly lonely, so I don't do it, then I still feel lonely around people.
  
• Grief (more on that in a minute)
  

So here I am short circuiting all over the place, and flat out just burning shit down all around me, and someone close to me tells me that they know I am not fine, to which I reply "I am fine" again they say I am not fine.. my reply.. "I. Am. Fine" and then they tell me I have a bad attitude and I am defensive. SIDE NOTE: Don't get all mad at the person, it was a bad choice of words on their part so please let me finish here because I think it is important in the grand scheme of things. It was so utterly odd to me that those words were what they chose to use, because with in the last two weeks those words crept into my mind from my childhood, from my young adult life, into early adulthood, "you have a bad attitude." I have been picking that apart a bit in my head, trying to remember what I had such a bad attitude about, and finally in that moment yesterday when those words were uttered, I knew. I never really had a bad attitude, what I had was hurt, what I had was so much short circuiting that I could not communicate how I felt and the things that were hurting me, because I always felt less than. I do actually remember at some point trying to communicate how I felt, and what it was like, and I felt like I was being treated differently to be met again with you are treated that way because you have a bad attitude, so the short circuiting never stopped, the "bad attitude and the defensiveness " only got bigger over the years, and I got better and better at it, and I suppose maybe a little meaner about it. Leave me alone turned into Fuck Off. A slammed door turned into I am packing my shit and leaving. The list could go on but I think you get the picture.

But why? Why does the reaction have to be that way? Because for as long as I can remember, I have not been able to communicate how I feel with out being invalidated. Either by telling me it is because I have a bad attitude, or no one wants to be around you because you are sad all the time, or you have done nothing but frustrate everyone who works with you... so the words "I am fine" fly and if you don't head my warning that I don't want to share with you what I feel like and you keep pushing me.. I promise you I will hurt your feelings. Hurt people.. hurt people. I am hurt people.

I know I have been doing better the last few weeks, I have felt better, I have done better, and heaven knows I have been learning so much about myself and my goal is for that to continue, but a tidal wave of grief came on this week. That is the thing about grief, it never really stops, it is always there lurking in the corner just waiting for that little crack, that night of sadness and boom it will crash over you like a wave you have never seen. You are all of a sudden being tossed around in the sand and gravel and you don't remember which way is up, you are getting beaten and you are tired, and some part of you just wants to let it take you, just so it won't hurt you again. 8 years in 17 more days I have walked on this earth with only part of my heart. I won't even try to say I lived that time, because I didn't. Yes the world moved right along, time ticked by, people came and went, and I have been stagnant in the same place I was (ok maybe worse off)  that day, that horrible horrible day, when my entire world stopped and you all kept moving on all around me. See now why I don't try to explain what it feels like.. do you see now why "I am fine" is the generalized answer?  Its been 8 years. I should have learned to live by now, I know that is what you are thinking. I know this because some of you have actually told me, that I shouldn't be so sad, it makes people uncomfortable. Yea.. fuck off. If you want to see what grief takes from you, if you don't understand, it can rip away your soul. Want a visual of that, check out the pics above and I have dozens more just like them, only one of those photos of me reveals a truthful image of happiness, my smile is no longer real, it reaches no farther than muscles used to turn my mouth upward, there is no spark in those eyes.

People don't understand my blunt and honest way of speaking or being, because it gives them no clues into my head or heart. They see me as this cold hard being that they can't crack. (yea I was told that yesterday at work) I have a wall.. a fortress even.. yes I open that gate and I let it all flow out in these words on a page.. but the wall is there all the same, because I know there is so much of what I feel that no one will understand so I keep that locked away behind "I am fine", but if you want a glimpse.. just a small little taste of what causes all of those short circuits I am going to share just a small little part..

• A little girl who never felt good enough
  
• A young mother who was constantly told how bad she was
  
• Regret and guilt over the two above
  
• Being told things are fine how they are repeatedly
  
• Being asked what I did wrong in a situation but the other party is never asked why they treat me that way
  
• Guilt over not being good enough for my boys
  
• Hatred of my own self because I have chased and chased someone to love me to want me as their family for as long as I can remember, most times landing me in really bad places, with people who don't even have a clue how to love someone else
  
• Feeling so utterly alone, all of the damn time.
  
• Never having anyone stand up for me, I get it.. I am almost 50 I really shouldn't need people to fight for me.. but .. I never have. It's always been my fault, my stupidity, my attitude, my poor choices. Not once that I can recall has anyone ever, ever, stopped and said.. "Do you see what you are doing to her?" As you can see that has spilled right on over to my professional life.
  

When you are reading these, if at anytime your thought is, that isn't right, that isn't true, she shouldn't feel that way, you have done the very thing that caused the "bad attitude" to start with, flat out invalidated my feelings. So would it be ok, please, if I say I am fine, that you take it at that and leave it alone, because as you just saw.. you won't understand, and it will simply make it worse, a little worse for me, but much worse for you when I shut down and shut you out completely.

Signing off today with this, why is it so acceptable to invalidate people? Why are we a culture of talking people down from their feelings instead of asking, what makes you feel that way?

Peace, Love and Light
Re

It's really not. The road is lava, the house is on fire, the zombies are coming, and I have on gasoline perfume. 

But Re, you were fine yesterday! No.. not really. Let's see, how has my week been, before 8 am on Monday things at work were blowing up and they have continued to blow up and burn down every since despite my best effort to keep the blazes controlled. If was putting one fire out another behind me would flare up and start burning my ass so I had to pay attention to it, leaving the other smoldering until it was a full on 3 alarm fire again. Rinse repeat. To the point that I was literally sick yesterday. Like puked sick, I thought for sure I was coming down with something I felt so bad. My head hurt, my body hurt, my tummy hurt.

On Tuesday I learned that yet another time I was excluded from a family get together. It's me, I am alone, it is not like I have 2 or 3 people in tow.  Yea they kept it small, I get it, it's fine it is whatever.  But I didn't think it was right, and it certainly felt like a slap in the face, since not once in the past year have they felt the pain or inconvenience of being a care giver. Please do not get me wrong, I would not ever wish to change what I have done, I am not asking for praises, or anything of the sort. I did what I did out of love, respect and duty. I would do it a thousand times over to keep my Dad safe and healthy. I am not an only child, but it sure feels like it. I have a family, but it sure feels lonely.

On Wednesday I came up with this wonderful and beautifully sweet idea. April is just filled with so much dread and sadness and tears that I was going to make something beautiful, happy and something to celebrate instead of the overwhelming dread of everything bad happens in April. So through all of the stress, all of the hurt, all of the fires from the previous days, I drafted my Post It Note plan.  It really was cool... in my head, but like all things in there, it was just all wrong, because yesterday.

It started out ok, I celebrated my small accomplishments of my journey so far. I was excited to see where everything was leading. Then April. I logged into work and as mentioned all was ablaze already and there was nothing to do but start putting them out and try as I might, it wasn't helping and ended as I said with me so utterly sick. I am going to try to explain what happened.  Imagine you are on an island, you know everything there is to know about this island and how it works and the lay out and lived on this island alone for 2 years happily going about your merry way ensuring that everything on the island is working and healthy. All all of a sudden a plane crashes into your beautiful yet very dry little tree line, there are people milling about, some are hurt, some are confused, and in an instant things are on fire from the crash. You quickly start gathering resources to fight the blaze but because of the crash you are unable to contain it alone. You gather the people and you say "Ok if we don't do this we are going to die, I need you to do A B C while I do the rest here" You know for a fact your plan will work because you completely and totally know your island and you know that A B C is perfect for the scenario.  The people look at you and say this isn't all about your way and your A B C this is a bottle neck, in order to do this we are going to do J E Q M X E, to which you reply but that won't put out any of these flames, in fact that may actually make more, I am telling you A B C.  To which they reply ok then we will N I T E K S O Z F. At this point you are starting to panic, no I am sorry but that will not put out the fire it will also cause the volcano over there to erupt.  Them OH OK! GOT IT we understand.. we know what to do now! We are going to J E Q M X E then N I T E K S O Z F!!!! At which point you can only reply with.. we are all going to die, walk away and cry. That is how it went, and it was one of the most defeating days of my career. I am very passionate about what I do even thought most people don't understand what it is I do, I have literally spent my life on this career choice and to basically be told that I don't know my own island was just crushing.  As I mentioned I cried so hard it made me physically ill.

So in the process of all of the fires that were burning everything to the ground around me at work, the entire beautiful plan to make April sweeter, prettier, just a little softer also caught fire and before I could manage to turn my attention that went right up in smoke. Granted it was stupid and I planned it on parchment paper and wrote the words using gun powder filled ink, what was I expecting right? Did I really think it would work. How utterly stupid of me, I thought April may play nice this year. Not even 24 hours in and a bomb had already gone off.

So what does this mean exactly. You remember the other day I wrote about I was not going to keep banging on doors that just won't open for me?  I meant it. If something is not supposed to be I am not going to fight or try to force it any more. So right now, it's me, I am standing in this room of doors and they are all closed and I do feel alone, and frankly quite scared, because I don't know how many locked doors one person can take. What I do have in the room is my gym, my training, my eating plan, my puppies, my writing, and myself, and until I am strong enough to deal with which doors are locked and which aren't. That is where you will find me.

Not every day is roses, not every day is thorns I am fully aware of that, and I do know that a day of roses will happen soon enough. I will power through, I will get the fires out at work, because it is what I do, and even if the entire island is uninhabitable I will rebuild it, it won't be the first time and likely won't be the last. As for the rest, as I was so nicely told last night.. life is no fairy tale, so I suppose I shouldn't expect things and that is ok and all but this Queen will rule her own land, don't expect me to just bend the knee to your rules.

I will be spending the better part of the afternoon in the gym making up for my missed work out yesterday. So I have a run, my strength class, an hour of Zumba, and then my Day 4 core work out. It will be ok, I can do it! It's so cold outside today I don't feel like running out there anyway so the treadmill it is.

Chances are I will be going radio silent for a few days after today, don't worry, it is fine. I just need to do some sorting in my own head. I will be back, and I am staying on track even if the path looks a little different than planned.

Peace, Love and Light

Re

It took me a few minutes today to figure out what I was going to write about. Honestly yesterday sucked in a few ways, work was overwhelming, a few personal obstacles were in my way, tomorrow was April, (it is now by the way)  and at one point I literally sat here at my desk and said, "I am skipping my work out today." Not even joking... at 2:30 when I was to get off I said to myself "Self.. NO! You are allowing all of this crap to weigh you down. Put your shoes on and get out there!" and I did. I don't know that it helped the work stuff because it is literally just sitting there waiting on me to do this morning and frankly it didn't help much with how I was feeling about yesterday's topic, but what it did too was shift my focus! My focus became more on myself and my goals and my accomplishments.  And littered through that work out was little bits of happiness.

I have already talked about my progression with my running goals so today I want to talk about a few of my other places of improvement. First I want to say I thank you again for following along in the journey, just knowing some of you are out there and interested is like having my own cheer leading squad! Maybe you are reading this and thinking I really need to help myself too, if so I hope I help you do that. Before we talk about the pictures I want to touch on my workouts again. I am not only running and I am also doing a strength training 4 days a week for at least 45 minutes (usually it takes me an hour). I do work outs that either I design by using my tools from previous years or my beastie bestie (hey that is kinda cute) sends me a work out to accomplish, or my girls send me a summary and I design based on that, I love my friends for doing this for me, because it truly is hard to come up with a work out for yourself. Not going to lie when I come up with one for myself I usually end up cursing myself half way through because I literally wrote something for someone who has been working out for a year, that tends to happen because the first draft is so lame that I think a 5 year old could do it.

Those first few work outs, I thought there was no way in the world I was ever going to be able to do this again. I was too old, too out of shape, and way too round, but you know what I did? I kept trying. I started with 3 work outs a week, now I am on to 4 strength and 1 cardio (Zumba in case you are wondering) I am no wonder woman, it takes me awhile to get through the workouts as I said but I get them done. At the end of those work outs I have tacked on a core crushing set some days it is 5 minutes other days it is 10 minutes but to give you an example of how intense it is, I literally threw up a little yesterday. Yesterday was a 10 minute and I was a good 7 minutes in before I was needing to tap out some. Last week on day one I was not making it through 30 seconds without tapping my feet down or just flat out laying there in agony.  That is a vast improvement. Every day I find things getting easier to perform, the bicep curls aren't shaky after 10, the pushups are getting higher.. and lower.. and yesterday I held 2 45 second high planks. I don't know why this chick thinks high planks are harder than low planks but she does, maybe they are and I never realized it because in a low plank I am so close to the ground it is easier for me to tap out lol. Last week, she had us do a 30 second high plank and I dropped a knee (BEND THE KNEE!) at 20 seconds, nothing was strong enough to hold this body weight up, yesterday it was.

Side note funny: My SEEESSSTER sent me a tiktok (guilty pleasure right there) about body weight exercises to do at home. My response back was "This is nice and all but if I use my body weight I will end up looking like Hulk Hogan!"

Anyway here I am crushing the hell out of these sessions, and the weird thing.. the truly super odd and strange thing, I am not in constant pain, every other time I have began a work out program, by that night I could not move, it was hard to stand up, it was hard to sit down, and dear lord the next morning I felt like I was a 2x4.. ok a 4x6 if we are being honest. My brain wants me to think it is because I am not putting in the work, but my heart knows I am. My heart knows that when my work out is done the weights literally sit where I dropped them because I just don't have it in me to do move them. So my plan is to continue to stay the course with how I am working out, next week I do hope to meet my friends for at least two work outs (early mornings are not my thing.. that is another lesson I learned) but being with them is morning important than sleep.  I also contribute the lack of pain I am feeling in my body to how I am now eating, 90% of the time it whole unprocessed foods.

As you know I talked on Monday about the scale not moving and how I wanted that sucker to put up some numbers because I was big enough that it SHOULD be dropping. Well I guess the thing heard me because...  drum roll please... since Monday (today is Thursday for reference if this is read a year from now) it is down 5 lbs. I have literally lost 15 pounds in 24 days. I know what you may be thinking.. "Re .. what are you doing? Did you change your calories to too low?" the answer is no.. no I didn't. I will tell you exactly what I did. On Monday by accident I didn't eat breakfast until 10 am. and it got me to thinking. I wasn't really hungry in the morning so why was I force feeding myself and I was already only using 3 tablespoons of coconut almond creamer in my coffee, so why not cut that out and drink it black and start eating every day at 10. So I looked up intermittent fasting with Keto and this is what I found.  That most people do a 16:8 in that they don't eat for 16 hours and have a 8 hour window of eating, but for beginners it is perfectly acceptable to start a 12:12 but I went for the 14:10. I also read up on Keto, IF, and my age (yes that is a factor I am facing) and again it fits. Women my age and my unfortunate round shape have been wildly successful by just making a time window in which to eat. I just eat my same amount of food and meals in that time frame, not going to lie about it some days it is hard to eat crunched together like that because you feel like you are constantly eating, but so far I have not felt over full. I will let you know how that progresses. I have also slowly been adding my vitamins and supplements back into my daily routine based on recommendations, as well as what I learned from the Money Plan, I believe they are also helping over all.

Jeeze Re.. how the hell can you type so much.. Sorry this got longer than I thought it would.. but Full Disclosure right? Why I said it took me a few minutes to figure out what to write about is because I knew all along what I needed and should share but I just didn't want to, but on my post February 27th it was about Full Disclosure and my weight, and I posted pics. I have taken pics every week since and I have kept them to myself, yesterday I shared them with .. I have no idea what to call her.. my little earth angel I suppose, and she saw the same things I did. (again not believing in myself as much as I should) So today in an effort to fully disclose it all again this is where I was.. and this is where I am. That day.. the 27th the scale showed 250 (good lord that was hard to type) the sadder part about that was two days later I got on the scale and it was higher than that. I didn't change my way of eating for another 10 days and no, I don't know what the scale said on the day I chose Keto. The pics were taken a month and 4 days from the pics I took yesterday. That weight was a month and 5 days from what I weighed this morning, even though the number is high this morning it was 235, yes the scale is accurate, I tested it (there is that non belief thing again) I believe you will also be able to see the changes physically, not just those numbers.

So here I am celebrating my small victories along this journey. The scale is moving, the appearance is changing, the performance is strengthening and this is working. Yes I am friggin proud of myself. So very proud, in just a few days I will have been doing Keto for a complete month, I have stayed strong, and truly do not feel that my way of eating is restrictive in anyway. I know along the line tweaks will need to be made to jumpstart and rejolt the system because that is just how our bodies work, they settle in and refuse to budge, but I am already aware and prepared for this, so as not to allow a plateau to derail the whole train.

My biggest fear today... April. Not even 8 hours in and it feels so heavy... I ask you a favor, if you see me wavering, if you see me not journaling, if you see me not working out, check in, because it is a sure sign that I am not in any way shape or form ok.

Signing off today with this, are there areas in your life that you can celebrate the small victories, or do they feel so insignificant that you brush them off? Take a few minutes today and try to find the things in yourself that you should be proud of.

Peace, Love and Light

Re