GOOD MORNING MY LOVES!!!!

So you remember 17 days ago when I was so excited to have hit a 20 lb loss on the scale and I got right up and posted progress pics? Well that was 4/25.. you know in those photos above. Yesterday I went to the Y for the first time in weeks, I have been enjoying working outside and doing workouts outside so there has not been a chance, until my friend Kathryn invited me to join her for yoga. Let me just say Yoga is NOT my strong suit at all, I have the flexibility of an iron rod, I was embarrassed before I ever went (PS I am really good at restorative yoga... that I am a master of) but I made the choice to go and I called and made the reservation for my spot so i would not chicken out. I got there a few minutes early so I could get my spot somewhere I felt comfortable and to take a new progress pic that would match the rest. My thought was there will be little to no difference in the photo from 17 days ago, and then we began class.

The class was like no other yoga class I had ever taken. I felt STRONG doing it! My transitions were crap and of course I had to modify because my knees at this time don't want to bend all the way but the downward dog to planks to floor to cobra to plank to bear (that is the work out move no idea if it called that in yoga) to downward dog I rocked that like a boss! Just a few short months ago I started a yoga class (which I sadly stopped doing) and that crap was HARD... my shoulders could not hold a plank and when she said downward dog I usually wanted to cry and when she said hover in the bear I had to just give in because I physically could not do it. NEVER EVER have I been able to lower my body from plank to floor, my elbows and arms just could not support my weight on the down and it ended up being a THUD to the floor. Not yesterday my friends it was more.. I can't use the word graceful because i am not there yet.. controlled! That is a great word. My movements were more controlled and stabilized!

Which is also how I am feeling about life right now, that it is more controlled and stabilized. Much like my yoga class last night, this is as much a surprise to me as anyone! I have not been focusing on controlling or stabilizing my life, I have not been working at yoga, but when I stop and look at the progress I see how much stronger I am. I have been focusing on working out, eating right, getting outside as much as possible, not over extending myself, taking breaks as needed, talking to people, surrounding myself with people who support me, helping and supporting those that need it, the list goes on but no where did I ever say I am going to control and stabilize my life, I just wanted to be better. Like with the Yoga class I never said I was going to get better at Yoga, I just wanted to be physically better.

I am just short 12 days short of 3 months of changing my life, I am incredibly excited to see what it looks like when I say I am just 12 days short of a year. I am not going to sit here though and tell you it has all been easy, I had to change my own mind about some hard things. I am going to get super super personal here so please forgive me if I cry a little.

My first hard change was therapy. Yes I had been to therapy before, it didn't take, it didn't work, I was too drugged for it to sink it, I wasn't ready to do the work, I had one therapist that literally told me the problem was just me and to change, the list goes on and on as to why I not longer believed in therapy. My biggest was this, I talk to you guys EVERY MORNING, I talk about my problems and where I am, why am I going to pay good money for someone else to pry out of me what I already pour out. Well let me tell you, because a therapist doesn't just listen nodding, they actually work through bits of what is going on in your world or has gone in your world to help you change for the better! I didn't know that. (again to my therapist after De's accident I adore you, if you are reading this please know that you likely did just that, I just don't REMEMBER any of it) Any how, at the the beginning of this new life journey I had some dear friends explain to me what therapy really should be and helped me with recommendations and I now have a REALLY GREAT fit thanks to both of them. I can't thank you enough! It really changed my life, you literally saved someone's life, I hope you know that.

Second one, was medication, as you all know I have for years sported my I am not medicated badge like a boss. Well little did I know that you couldn't see the badge because I was so far deep into the mania or depression that no one saw that! All they saw was the sad madness of my life. I now take medication. I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder as a teenager, then at least three more times since. They didn't call it that back then but it was what it was, but it was one of those things that you just didn't talk about, "How dare you have something wrong with you mentally lets hide that shit." As life went on it didn't get any better, in fact a few times it was super bad. No one recognized the manic or depressive episodes for what they were.  I was selfish, lazy, a problem, unreliable, the list goes on and on and on but had there not been such a stigma as to what was REALLY happening maybe I could have or would have sought treatment before I was 50. But here I am, working with a Dr who really listens and who I really like. There is no one size fits all here, it is going to take some trial and error but we are working on it. PS if you see me go off the rails in the next few weeks.. call my mom.. call Ed.. call someone, because we are adjusting things. This was a huge change I had to accept, that it is OK to take medicine, it doesn't mean you are broken, it means that you don't WANT to be broken, that you realize that a little boost is needed and that is ok!

Third and this is still a work in progress, that working out every day is not going to make you lose weight or get stronger. Don't get me wrong I do like to do something every day now, but that is not where the weight loss happens. Eating right every day is where you lose the weight. Not drinking a bottle of wine.. or two every night is where you lose the weight. Allowing yourself chips and salsa once a month not twice a week is where you lose the weight! I know I know.. this has been drilled into my head so many times but I just .. yea I just.. anyway here I am putting that knowledge into motion. I am not perfect and that is ok, because I am better! I am conscious about what I put in my mouth and that is so important. I also realize that while I don't have a planned work out every day, the hard work I put into the yard and our home is helping as well, I don't need a 3 hour work out every day to make this work, I only need to strive to be better than yesterday and the plan is coming together. I have also found that running every day is just painful right now, I run 3 to 4 times a week and that is feeling so much better and I am getting better at it! I know I am all over the place with this part, sorry, I said it is work in progress :)  PS Thank you to my peoples for the support in this area.. you know who you are.. I could NOT do this without you. You are inspiration and hope (giggle) you are friendship.

My point to all of this is.. you CAN change your life! My suggestion isn't to look at it as I need to change my LIFE! Take a look at one thing you can do to make it better, in no way should it even closely resemble mine, maybe it is take a walk 4 times a week, before you know it you may be walking your first 5k. Maybe it is talk to someone, maybe it is get outside more. All of those things build up a foundation! They help you on your journey. You do not have to look at it as a whole, because that can be so overwhelming. When I started this journey of being better, I talked about my foundation of shaky rocks, I am still on those rocks but all of these little things have helped shore up those rocks and they don't feel so shaky anymore. Am I completely out of the hole? Absolutely not, there needs to be much more foundation but I am getting there. It isn't just all darkness anymore, and right now THAT is everything.

Signing off with this.. are you looking at a situation as a whole? Could you possibly not focus on the situation but tasks that may make the situation better?

Peace Love and Light

Re

Good Morning my beautiful friends!

Quick fast in a hurry post today. There is much to do and I am feeling excited about getting to work so I can get off and start my evening! 

Yesterday I went for a run, I went farther than I had been and my pace while nothing to write home about for most was absolutely something to write home about for me. It is getting better and that is what matters. I am still not in a continuous run but I am working on how to improve that and my breathing. It's important to me.

I text Dustin last night and was like I think I need to set my sub time higher, that I was concerned if I kept it where I wanted it in October I would be disappointed in myself. Turns out, he was in the same boat! While we are both striving for a lower sub time we both are realistically looking at a higher for our goal! (Keep in mind our boats are coming into port an hour apart! He is fast!) That got me thinking about a rule of thumb he and I have worked by during races. We have done a few 5k's together, a couple of Spartans, the rule has always been "run your own race" We are always there at the start together and then he waits for me to finish. He and I have our own strengths, his in a speed area and mine has always been more of an endurance area. You know what... it is wonderful!

Seriously! Think about it! Let's say Dustin stayed back with me, he isn't being true to himself and I wouldn't be true to myself because I would know that he was holding back so I would likely push harder than I should and risk injury. The scenario is just wrong in my mind. (side note you can ABSOLUTELY enjoy a race with someone else and be their partner and stick together until the end and HAVE FUN.. but the race has to be about HAVING FUN or someone is going to walk away feeling .. slighted) But back to the scenario, let's say that there are 200 people at the starting line of a race, and everyone is pumped and ready to go and beat the only person they should be racing, their self, when some guy with a megaphone says  "New rule for this race! You all have to run at the same pace! You have to run the same race! You start together you finish together!".  THINK ABOUT IT! 200 people hitting the same portapotties or bushes as it may be, 200 people hitting the same water tables at the same time, 200 people hitting the finish tape and the poor medal holders! What CHAOS that would bring! THINK ABOUT IT.

Sadly I feel like we are doing that to our ourselves and our children. The schools are forcing the same learning and testing. Even holding some back that should be exceeding. Job places are not requiring educations as they did (I personally don't see anything wrong with this as long as you can do the job, but I have witnesses somethings that make no sense) Trophies are given to all just not the winning teams. I could go on and on and on. All I am saying today is this, in a world full of.... be you!

You are special, you are unique, you are made perfectly as you are, as you should be. Don't try to keep up with the Jones. Look at your self and love yourself for your differences, because I truly believe until we can love ourselves for our own differences we won't be able to fully love others for theirs. When we get there... what a wonderful world this place would be.

Signing off with this.... are you hiding your sunflower because you feel like you live in a bed of roses? Dude! Let that beauty SHINE!!!

Peace Love and Light

Re

Good Morning my loves! Happy Monday to you all! I hope all were able to celebrate Mother's Day in a way that made it special to them, if you did it with out commercialism Anna Jarvis would be proud of you. Oh you don't know who she is? Take a minute and google.... you will be utterly surprised what Mother's Day was and what it now shouldn't be.

My day was spent working in the yard, I dug up and replanted a bush that I truly did not like. Pampas Grass... which had literally taken up 3/4 the deck on one side. I absolutely despised the way it feels.. it is sharp and grabs at your skin. Ed said on Saturday I could dig it up... I was shocked! I hadn't said I wanted to, only that I disliked it. Immediately I felt bad for the plant, I mean it didn't do anything wrong it was just there Pampasing along and I wanted to chop it down! So I ended up chopping this one plant into 5 parts (yes it was that big) and replanted 2 parts in our yard in a better location and gave away 3 parts. I all of a sudden liked the bush, and I am hopeful they will regrow and thrive as I think they will look good. I am hopeful they will preserver through my what was likely an incorrect removal. I then worked on the area re-purposing it for more of my little garden. None of this however would have been possible if I had not stood my ground on Saturday.

This all started with a oil drum. We had this big huge ginormous eye sore of a thing (sorry i didn't take pics maybe Ed did and he can comment below with them) that was kinda on the side of the house and it really wasn't something anyone actually LOOKED at but it was right where we are putting our outside shower so it had to go. Now me personally I could have done without a replacement because hello we have HVAC why do we NEED kerosene heaters that don't even work if the power goes out, but alas I lost the argument. I am at least hopeful we are going to do away with the big one! So here we are taking out this ugly thing and when he pulls around with the "new" tank I finally really see it. The thing is AWFUL! It is HUGE!! 80 freaking gallons and the most he buys at a time is 15 gallons and he wants to put it UNDER MY BEDROOM WINDOW IN THE BACK YARD! Do you know how hard I have worked on that back yard?? He and Dad are arguing that I can paint it.. it won't be that bad.. we HAVE to have a tank.. and I am all NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT! I refused to budge an inch. There were ideas of we can take it off of the ugly rails, which is akin to putting a dress on a gorilla and calling it a super model. No.. just no. We can lower it a little bit and maybe you wont' see it.. NO!!!! I SAID NO! I mean NO! I ended up getting so frustrated over this thing that my voice cracked and I knew I was going to cry. I finally said DO WHAT EVER YOU WANT BUT I HATE IT IT'S AWFUL! Which is the universal code of, if you do this it is not going to be pretty. All of a sudden, Ed says.. wait a minute.. has dad whip out his handy dandy tape measure (he keeps one in his pocket) and all of a sudden there is a new place for this oil drum tucked between an azalea and the HVAC unit that NO ONE CAN SEE unless you are literally looking for it! It serves it's purpose yet it isn't sitting there in the back yard for everyone to see. But what if I had not stood my ground, or spoke up, what if I didn't have the confidence or will to say NO! What if I had not persevered even though I had two men who could have easy told me to sit down and be quiet standing in front of me. Here we are at the end of this with a solution that all are happy with. The plan came together.

Persevering is hard. Seriously. Here you are KNOWING what you want and all of these things are in your way. Take for instance my haunted rose, I call her that because of the ghost story of Church Hill in Gloucester, at some point the story was retold with flowers growing up through the porch at the location of Elizabeth's death and it stuck with me. So years ago when I found that a rose was growing up through our little front porch it just touched my heart and I loved it. Until last year we came home from some outing to find that someone or something had chopped her right to the porch plants and tossed her to the side. I was so sad, what would do that? Who would do that? And WHY? It took a bit but we finally reduced this list of suspects to... my mother. Sure enough, she accidentally clipped off my haunted rose thinking she was a weed or unwanted, and sadly it wasn't the correct time of year for that sort of thing so I thought my beauty was gone. Until this spring that is, I noticed Elizabeth's beauty was springing up through those planks again, and will you just look at her? What has been one or two blooms previously have multiplied and become much more beautiful! She persevered through being chopped down, the unlikeliness of growing in the darkness under a porch, a cold snap a few weeks ago no one was expecting, she pushed her dreams right on through and bloomed! Her plan came together.

What if we think about our own dreams and goals. How easy would it have been for me to say yesterday "It's Mother's Day I am going to eat whatever I want!" because I was invited to a wonderful family get together. There were so many wonderful things, and I could have so easily just dove right in head first. Yet I made my choices wisely and with concern for my goals and dreams. I did eat a bite of my mom's macaroni salad and a bite of her homemade cake, but it was simply that, a bite. I didn't need anymore to enjoy the taste for only a moment was enough, because my goals are bigger than 3 servings of macaroni.  I even had some of the most delicious chickpea salad and just didn't eat the chickpeas, or the craisins from the broccoli salad. Was any of that easy? No, not particularly but I stood my ground and did what I needed to for me. How easy would it be for me to not workout today, because frankly my body is SORE from this weekend. I could simply say screw it, I did enough already the last two days, but those things are not going to get me to that October Half Marathon, I need to push through and work on my goals.

It's simple, our dreams aren't easy to reach, if they were they wouldn't be dreams or goals and everyone would be doing it all already. In order to reach the hard stuff, we have to be strong and persevere in the face of our porch planks and oil drums! Be bigger than your biggest excuse, be more powerful than the barrier that is in your way! Take your time, stand your ground, live your dream, succeed!

Signing off today with this, where in your life have you persevered where it would have been just easier to give in? Are there places you can take a firmer stance now to get you to your goals?

Peace Love and Light

Re

Let me start by saying.. this post is for all.... ALL! Men too!  I started the day scrolling through the book of faces and saw a post that said do not blanket wish Happy Mother's day to all women, I thought on that a moment and frankly I disagree, yes it is still ok to disagree with people :), but please allow me to explain. 

I am fully aware as you can image what it is like to dread mother's day and for years I just didn't want to even think of it, but what a disservice to myself. I AM a Mother. I HAVE a Mother. I HAVE strong stand in Mother's. I HAVE friends who are Mothers. This isn't just a day of celebrating our own individual maternity but also that of the women who raised us, the women who supported us, and the women we have supported and or raised. It is a day of celebration.

I am also fully aware that there are women who have struggled with fertility, their babies were born sleeping, that lost their children to illness or tragedy no matter their age, those who have strained relationships and those that chose not to have children, can I just say I celebrate you! I celebrate your fight, your love, and your choice! You are seen! You are heard! You are Loved!

I also see the fathers that stand in as both mom and dad, I see you too! It takes a strong man to be a father but an even stronger man to be a mother too! You are seen!

So for me, I have to say.. Happy Mother's Day to us all. May we celebrate all of the aspects of the day!

I am going to shift gears here to a much more personal note. For a very long time I had a hard time buying mother's day cards. They were all mushy and full of these super sweet messages that I just could not wrap my head around buying for my mother. It's not huge secret here that we had many struggles for many years, more years than not. I was going to write the word unfortunately at the end of that but you know what it isn't unfortunate, it is what it is and without it I would not be me. Anyway here I was standing in what ever store trying to find a humorous card or something plan Jane because I felt if I bought the sickeningly sweet card it was a lie and she would know I just picked up some random card.  I mean I knew my mother was my mother and yes she deserved the recognition of that, but our relationship was so strained that any little slight or in correct gesture could cause a tidal wave, neither was any more or less to blame than the other, it just was the way it was.

I can't sit here and explain what happened and why, maybe it was the kids journey's to their next adventure, maybe it was age, I don't really know and frankly I don't think it matters, but there was a shift in the life of our relationship. I was more accepting of her, who she was, and she I. I didn't feel that she was trying to fit me in a mold I didn't belong in any longer, our conversations didn't feel forced and tense, I am certain she no longer felt the same things.  Things just shifted. For that, I am grateful. You see, as a kid, teenager, young adult.. heck even adult I was full of envy for those daughters that were friends with their moms. I couldn't understand it at all, nor could I relate and some part of me felt jipped and slighted, to make matters worse I lost that with my own daughter. But here we are today, 50 years into my existence and I can say, my mother is my friend, I do not mean she is just my mom and yea she is there I am talking about a true friend that I could call day or night, no matter the need or circumstance, I know she is there.

If that is not a reason to celebrate Mother's Day I don't know what is!

I love you Mom, I can't imagine doing this Earth spinning thing without you.

PS. I could buy any of the cards and they would be true.

Signing off today with this, if today brings you sadness for whatever reason take a moment and just be in the moment reflect if you need, but please honor yourself and all the strong individuals in your life.

Peace Love and Light,

Re

HAPPY FRIDAY MY LOVES!!! We MADE IT! Shew!

I was thinking last night ... scary right... that I absolutely loved to go to bed. We literally went to bed around 8 last night simply because KD decided she wanted to go to bed while I was doing something in my office. I looked at her and thought.. "Yes girl! Let's just lay down!" I didn't immediately go to sleep because I do like to read (or flip through my phone.. I know I know horrible idea) for awhile just to unwind and stretch my body out from the day. I was laying there and I thought.. "Man I love this.. I love this feeling" That safe snuggly feeling of your favorite blankets, your favorite pillow, your favorite puppies, sometimes I even like sharing it with my favorite person. It's my favorite time of day! 

I was just laying there reflecting on this and soon this thought crept into my mind....

"Coffee in the morning is going to be so good!" And it is! This made me think of mornings and that early wake up of 5 am. That beautiful time when it's just me while it seems like the rest of the world sleeping. Even my favorite puppies go back to bed after a quick trip out. That hot first sip of coffee that sweeps the cobwebs of sleep from our minds. The last flickers of moonlight over the creek, the sweet birds chirping as they wake to be the first to the worm, Fatty, Jr, Dave, Fred, and Weezy running around the bird feeder in search of breakfast (yes my squirrels have names) the sun peeking up over the horizon kissing the water good morning.

The few minutes I take to plan out my day! It's my favorite time of day! As I am writing this I glanced at my clock and thought...

"I should hurry along, it is almost 6, time to get to work so you can get off at 2 you have so many fun projects planned!" That time of day when you log off of work and you have those few hours of doing what you want before it's time to make dinner. That run you have been wanting to get in, that workout, the project you are working on, maybe a walk with your mom and puppies, or even cutting grass. It's that time of day when you get to do the fun things, the things that bring you back to you after 8 hours of work, it is the time of day to destress from the days work worries! Its when you get to create and just be you! It's my favorite time of day!

Speaking of creating..

"Oh you create some amazing meals Re.. you know that?" dinner time.. it's my time to shine. The sears, the flips, the chops, slices, dices, seasonings.. I am in my element! I am preparing a work of art for those that I love. Ok sometimes it looks more like slop on a plate but it is about nourishing and nurturing the people as I pour love into every one of those dishes. Ok so I had the washing dishes part but the rest of it... It's my favorite time of day!

"Oh what comes next??" That time after dinner, when we, usually just dad and I, gather around the TV and try to learn something from Jeopardy. Just spending a few quiet minutes together. Not really talking, maybe a word or two between commercials but just sitting and being together without the hustle and bustle of all of the happenings of the world. That 30 minutes... It's my favorite time of day!

As dad leaves, he tells me he loves me, thanks me for dinner and that he will call me in the morning. I gather the puppies and head out on to the deck for their last trip out and sit and watch as all my fairy lights come alive, and the little birds sing their sweet lullabies to each other, the otters splash playfully in the creek, as the moon kisses the creek goodnight. I sit and reflect on the day and all that it was and all that tomorrow will be.... It's my favorite time of day!

And off we go... to snuggle back in bed... It's my favorite time of day!!!

Signing off with this, enjoy your day, no matter what the time, be in the moment and HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEKEND!!!

Peace Love and Light

Re

Good Morning my loves! I hope you all have a beautiful day even though a bit cooler in the Mathews area I believe it is going to be a sunny one!

I wanted to take a moment this morning and just thank you all. I want you to know that I read EACH AND EVERY ONE OF your comments, texts, messages etc. It is not that I don't want to reply to all individually,  I would love to have that kind of time, but alas... there are only so many minutes in my day. I do need you to know that your responses mean so very much to me! They give me more to ponder on, support through the process of processing, more meaning to my own words and so very much more and for that.. I thank you!

I know there are a few of you secret readers out there, and that is ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL! I appreciate you as well! Some of you have reached out and told me, so I feel like there are likely more. You are also part of my journey, you strong silent warrior you!  I know you are out there.. and I know you are cheering!

I know that I have said thank you before but I just feel it is important that I acknowledge how much you all mean to me, not only so you know but so I continue to remember this army that is rallying to cheer me to victory. For so long I felt so alone, I know that a LOT of you were there all along but in that hole I couldn't see any of you at all, even if you were jumping up and down shouting "I'M HERE!! I'M HERE!!!"  I apologize for that, depression has a way of blinding and deafening us to what is really happening.  I wish that on no one, and if you are reading this right this minute and feel alone, or in the darkness, I need you to reach out, TO ME! I promise you aren't alone, I will sit quietly with you and hold your hand until you are ready to see your own army, but I want you to know you are not alone.

Signing off today with just a simple word of appreciation for each of you. May your day be filled with kindness and love.

Peace Love and Light

Re

You know yesterday I said I had lost 25 pounds right? Well today it is 26... and it is officially the exact amount of weight my dad has GAINED! This is a WONDERFUL WONDERFUL thing! He needed to gain weight much more that I needed to lose it!

He had a follow up appointment with his heart doctor who we both love, and he got the... drum roll please... all clear! Dr B didn't want to see him again for 3 months, Dad rallied for a year.. and I said 6 MONTHS IS THE FINAL ANSWER and we stuck with that. I am so grateful and blessed. 4 months ago I was literally telling people if they wanted to see my dad alive, they should take the time. He was that bad, just bad thing after bad thing was happening and the more that happened the sicker and weaker he became. It was frightening and exhausting... for both of us. Do you know what pulled him through? Neither of us gave up! Don't twist this please.. we had PLENTY of outside support and help and I am utterly grateful for it all, but this is about he and I. We fought this thing, whatever it was, it was never named or diagnosed believe it or not, it could have been a series of unfortunate events or it could have been as I believe.. Covid; Either way we fought and fought and fought. He gave me the biggest compliment of my life the other night. We were talking about how far he had come and how much better he was, and he says

"I don't think there ever was a daughter who fought to keep their dad alive as hard as you did."

I am sure there are plenty of daughters out there who have fought just as hard so I won't be accepting that universal trophy any time soon, BUT, I will absolutely take that trophy from him. He sees me, and to me, that is EVERYTHING!!! I know that I should not live my life seeking the approval or acceptance of anyone else, yes even my parents.. (sorry mom but I think you gave up that fight long ago) but just knowing he saw how much I loved him and how far I was willing to go for him... yea.

It did however get me to thinking about something else, here I am fighting tooth and nail to keep another human being alive, all the while, allowing myself to die. Literally. End of the rope. Did not want another day. It was almost like a trade off. I put so much time and energy into keeping another alive that I just depleted all I had in me, so when he started getting better, there was not much of me left. (there were many other things going on too this I know but bear .. or bare.. OR JUST HANG WITH ME HERE) Luckily for me the universe, God, the angels, the ancestral witches, the jedis... all had other plans and here I am. I am grateful for that too by the way. I know I have talked in and around this subject before, the working on myself, but this just hit me night before last. (see I am doing the thing of sitting with topics before writing) what if, just what if... I fought for MYSELF as hard as I fought for my dad. What if I gathered all of that energy that I have been exporting and import it for awhile. How far could I go?

Sure I have been working on myself for weeks now, but have I been FIGHTING? Like full on boxing gloves, or have I been cat fighting in the school yard? I know I have made some milestone changes in myself and my life but I see where it can be so much more. I see where I can push harder, train better, eat cleaner, learn more. I spent HOURS AND HOURS scouring the internet trying to help my dad, I found the time to do that. What if I spent those hours now, tending to my own life? My own spiritual existence? My own health, physically and mentally? What if I actually fought for me?

I don't mean the stand up "Hey you did me wrong, I am going to take you down!" kind. (even though there are a few people I would like to put in their place) I mean the kind of fight where you fight for your own peace, your own worth, your own I am enough, your own well being, your own health, your own fitness, in spite of anything and everything life throws at you, including the you did me wrongs! What would I find there? What could I be?

In half a century I don't think I have ever fought for me, I fought for other people... their acceptance.. their inclusion.. their love...their approval on and on and on. This is crazy, why did I never see that I was worth a fight too and why did I think that it was going to be someone else that fought for me?

Someone pass me the boxing gloves... oh wait.. never mind I got them!

So much to ponder on! So I am going to leave you with this today, here's to the 26 for Dad and I and on to many many more!

Peace Love and Light

Re

  Good morning my beauties! Sorry for the MIA, was just so busy! It's a good thing. It is usually a sure sign that the depression is lifting, unless of course I am powering through, but I promise this isn't just the power through this is the real deal. It feels different.

I have been saying that a lot over the last two months, but it is true. Sure many times before I tried to get out of the hole of darkness and my oh my did I have good intentions. I had all of these what should we call them.... "plans" of getting better. Plans is a good word, because you can have PLANS all day long but never succeed at the goal. This could be due to many things, a bad plan, a an excuse plan, a plan with no action.. you get the picture.

I am going to use some of my plans to be better and successful from last year see if you can figure out where I went wrong.

1. When I get home and back with my people I will lose the weight again.
2. I am just spiffing up around here until I get home.
3. When I lose 40 lbs I will start running again
4. If I spend all of my time taking care of others the depression won't find me.
5. Get a new bike it will be nice to ride the loop
6. Grab weights from NC house so you can build some muscle
7. Plant the plants make the deck pretty.

Do you see the problems? Let me put them in there from my point.

1. When I get home and back with my people I will lose the weight again. (but never get there and gain 40 pounds - this plan was not a plan it was an excuse to continue to wallow in fat)
2. I am just spiffing up around here until I get home. (half ass projects that just were a get by and not a well thought out forever plan- Half-assed Plan)
3. When I lose 40 lbs I will start running again (get discouraged walking because it doesn't feel as good as running and just stop doing that- again not a plan and an excuse to continue on the same path)
4. If I spend all of my time taking care of others the depression won't find me. (spend all the time focusing on others while the depression mutilated me even when others were saying.. PUT ON YOUR OXYGEN MASK I was so afraid of where I was I couldn't take the time to work on me - this was a HORRIFIC PLAN)
5. Get a new bike it will be nice to ride the loop (ride once- This was a great idea and plan... but there was no action therefore what good did it do. None)
6. Grab weights from NC house so you can build some muscle (leave in floor, always starting on Monday - Excuses and no action)
7. Plant the plants (but become overwhelmed and half ass take care of them. This was a wonderful plan but there just was not a full execution I imagine a lot of things took control of this one, the half ass behavior because you know I am going home soon soooo.. the overwhelming because I didn't view their care as a gift to myself etc etc)

How crazy is it that I can sit here and pull out where the plan failed and why?? The plans didn't fail because I was stuck here, or because my dad was so sick, or because I had so much work, or because I was doing too much for others, or because I didn't have the means to do things.. they failed because my plans were full of excuses and REASONS to fail!  I was so hell bent on being somewhere else, getting to a certain point, or a Monday to start my plans that there was just no way in the world I could ever succeed.

This year the plans are just different.

1. Run. It may be ugly, it may be slow, but Run. In July you have a 5k, in October you have a half. Run.

2. This is home, there is home, bloom where you are planted, I just happen to be one of those plants that you can propagate. I was planted here 50 years ago, and I replanted some of me else where. I can be me and be successful in more than one place. This is home. There is home. Treat it as such. Dream big, make plans, tear something up and make it better!

3. Take care of YOURSELF! Period. No.. no period EXCLAMATION MARK. Yes other people need you and depend on you but until you take care of you, you are short changing everyone! Do the things that make you happy. Eat right. Take the meds. See your Dr. I think you will find that taking care of others will be so much easier.

4. EXERCISE! (even if exercise doesn't look like lifting weights .. you know like working outside for 10 hours a day) Stop waiting on, getting back to "your people", you are your own people and you have people here and there.. enjoy all of it! Stop waiting on Monday to start anything.. TODAY IS THE BEST DAY. Use the equipment in front of you, you have all you need even if you have nothing but what is in you! 

5. Lose the weight. I think you are going to find that if you number 3 and number 4.. number 5 is going to take care of itself, but please stop saying "When I lose XYZ I will...." because frankly you don't know that. Enjoy the process and the journey but stop hanging things on that number.. especially your happiness or goals other than the next weight goal.

6. Plant the plants. Take care of the plants. The methodical, repetitive care will calm your mind.

7. Every Monday lay out your goals for the week, not just your exercise but project goals, allow these to change as you need, moving something doesn't mean failure it simply means you are adapting and evolving to better be successful. (this week I am just going to use last weeks because.. it is a good plan)

8. Allow yourself the moments of sadness, but don't live there. Even the road to successful is filled with pot holes of disappointment, on these we grow taller and stronger. Realize it is part of the process and not failure!

That is a lot to take in this morning isn't it.. well it is for me anyway. So I am going to take a page out of my bushy tailed friend Dave (he is on a branch in front of me currently), I am going to stand up .. shake my tail for a minute and get on with my day!

Signing off with this, do you have a plan for something, should the way you are looking at the plan be modified to be better worded for success?

Peace Love and Light

Re

GOOD MORNING MY LOVES! Happy beautiful day to you all. Running a little late this morning. Not sure why but it is what it is. My alarm went of 40 minutes ago and I got up.. I have no earthly idea what I did with that time, but I can tell you what I did with 14 minutes and some odd seconds yesterday.. I struggled HARD. It was literally one of my worst runs in weeks, as in I couldn't even RUN! Sure we can blame the heat but I don't think it was that at all. I think my body was just tired, even walking out the lane I had the thought to myself, "huh.. I don't feel quite right.." but I quickly brushed that aside and went on out anyway.

I got to my run start point did a few twists and stretches, and off I went. Instantly I was like.. "This doesn't feel like Monday at all!" And BOOM ALL IN MY HEAD. You see this was to be the run that I ran the whole mile. I couldn't wait for the end of the day, was excited for it and here my legs were failing me. It was literally my legs, my calves were cramping, my shins were screaming (i have no idea why that has not happened in WEEKS) my knees were aching, and my head was going you "dumb fat broad.. you will never be able to run" I QUICKLY went from excitement to disappointment and a A LOT of self criticism, it got no better at all when I realized that I was not even going to be able to run a half of the mile! I .. *gasp* walked 6 times in that first half a mile and then stopped and tried to stretch thinking that would help. No go.. I walked 6 times in my second half of the mile too!

By the time I hit the 1 mile mark, so many things had happened in my head. I never wanted to run again (not true). I am so fat that I shouldn't be running (not true). I am never going to get any better (most definitely NOT TRUE) You are not ever going to run a mile again much less a 5k or a half (MOST ASSUREDLY NOT TRUE). You are just lazy (my limp back home proved that was a lie) the list went ON AND ON AND ON!

Want to know why I am sharing all of this with you when it is highly unlikely you give two craps about how my 14 minutes and some seconds went yesterday? To show you something. There are 1,440 minutes in a day. That 14 minutes of a horrible run is exactly 1% of the day. Do you see that... let me repeat ONE PERCENT! That would be like having a dollar in pennys and all but one of them is pretty and shiny and because ONE is tarnished and ugly you throw the whole dollar away, instead of trying to shine up that penny. We do that, I do that, A LOT. I let that one penny spread it's tarnish to every single penny in my day. Something crappy happens.. BAD DAY. When no.... that is not what should happen, we should .. I should.. allow the other moments in the day to help shine up that bad time.  I did that yesterday, even though I whined on facebook about my ridiculously awful 14 minutes. I quickly realized how stupid it was, I went right along about my day and painted up the deck (she is looking good by the way) As I was painting I realized how sore my legs were, oh I don't know maybe all those squat holds while trying to paint the day before had them a bit tired, and before long I was already talking to myself about the things I need to do to shine up those 14 minutes next time. Wear my running capris, ensure that my legs are UP for a run and not just a walk, maybe go to the y and run when it is over 80, and before long it wasn't a bad run it is was a learning experience in the journey.

I am still excited for my running journey. I still plan on that 5 k by July and a half in October. I still have some cleaning of things I don't need, self doubt, criticism, disappointment in the journey etc etc, but I am excited to say that even though some of them came out of the boxes yesterday and tried to spread in my mind like tribbles I quickly gathered them all up and stuffed them back in their boxes and went right along with my shiny 99 cents!

Signing off today with this, do you let a penny outshine your 99 cents? Think of a time that you did this, today if a tarnish pops up allow yourself the minute to examine it.. then shine it up and throw it right in with the rest.

Peace Love and Light

Re

Hey my loves! Happy Hump Day we have made it half way to Friday! Well by noon anyway.. but we are getting there.

Isn't that the way with life.. always getting there? I am struggling this week with balancing, but I am getting there. I didn't work out yesterday I chose to stain the deck because frankly I cringe every time I look outside. I can't stand the project half done it is driving me BONKERS to look at. They were also calling for rain on Friday (now that has diminished) so I thought I better get it done while the weather was beautiful.

Great plan, but I had to shift things around. My work out yesterday being one of them. The good news is that leaves me time for a run on Saturday where I am not racing back to ... fill in the blank. The bad news I feel like a loser for not being able to fit it ALL in. I even texted with P yesterday about it trying to talk myself into it being the right and good thing, still as I laid down last night I was disappointed in myself. I didn't get the deck finished (I didn't have the right tools and frankly those post took FOREVER) I didn't get my work out in at all (I should have at least gone on my mile) You see where my head space was...

In truth, the time was NOT wasted at all. I got a pretty big section of the deck done and as I said those posts were not fun. Today I should be able to finish up with the color to be able to add in the white on Saturday. I will have time for my run, because I am MAKING the time. I will shorten my strength portion but I will get that in too. This balancing thing is a lot more difficult than I thought. It really is not as simple as I am not going to do X today so I can do Y. It is more like I will do this portion of X today tomorrow and Thursday so I can fit in some of Y at the same time so on Saturday we can do ABC. Maybe that algebra was needed after all!

So anyhoooo... today's post is super short, tomorrow's may be as well, so I can balance a little more of this in with work so I can get outside to do the things!

PS please don't suggest getting up earlier and doing my work out... I have been STRUGGLING when that alarm goes off at 5. I usually lay there until 530. If I set the alarm to 530 still I have an easier time of waking. I don't know my body is being weird. I also know I have to break this because from the looks of the weather I am going to need to get my runs in earlier VERY SOON.

Signing off with this.. Anyone have any tips on balancing? It is much more difficult than I imagined, especially when you write out your plan on Monday and by Tuesday you go .. well ok.. let's change it.

Peace Love and Light

Re