Have you ever just been standing there and been hit with a TON of bricks? No not literally… figuratively.
 
Did you know that we have changed the actual definition of literally from meaning absolute truth or exactly,  to it also just being used for emphasis to express strong feeling but not exact truth.  As if English isn’t confusing enough!
Anyway…  I literally can’t stand it!
 
So here I am minding my own darn business and licking my own wounds, playing victim, when all of a sudden all of this knowledge and enlightenment comes FLYING AT ME! DIRECTLY AT MY HEAD.
 
The biggest thing that I stumbled and tripped over recently was the big old “What is WRONG with me?” There HAD to be something WRONG with me to make these crazy things happen.  Guess what I found… something was in fact wrong with me. I needed to do some internal work on myself.
I needed to explore not only the parts of me that instantly ran to me being the problem but also what in me is being mirrored back.  Even at my age my own insecurities and fear cause internal drama where frankly I don’t need it.  Had I not been playing into those feelings I would have acknowledged and been able to react to the things that were really unfolding and not just in a constant reactive state of, “Why don’t people like me? What else can I do to make everyone see I am a good person?”  Do you know how much running around and extra things someone does when they are trying to prove their worth?
 
Newsflash… you don’t have to prove your worth to anyone… ever. You are you.. you provide and are special to the people who need you in their life. Your circle is that.. your circle and believe it or not, you fit perfectly into the place you belong.
If you are feeling out of place, that you don’t fit in, that you are trying to prove your worth, need constant reassurance that your friends are just that.. your friends, feel like you are a burden or a bother.. Guess what.. stop. Seriously. Stop! Because you are not where you belong.
Take a step back and really see what is happening in front of you.
 
Remember this, where you put your attention your energy goes. Write it down, tape it to your mirror, your monitor, your car dash, do whatever you do to remember this.
 
Let me say it again. Where you put your attention your energy goes.
 
Let’s dig into that a bit.
 
There are two circles, one red one, one blue one. The red one is bright,  shiny,  super bouncy, and looks like a LOT of fun! The blue circle is more muted, not dull but not shiny, it’s got a gentle sway going on.
Someone like me who absolutely craves social interaction and belonging would immediately gravitate to the Red Circle. “HEY GUYS! THIS IS AWESOME!!! Let me in, can I be part of your circle? IT’S SO SHINY HERE!”
 
Picture if you will, the red circle being like a mosh pit. You elbow your way into the crowd and get all tangled up with everything that is happening around you and it is so loud and exciting  that you have absolutely no idea what is happening even ten foot away from you. You are PART OF THE RED CIRCLE!!! How exciting. You put all of your efforts into being part of this this circle, all of your attention, so much so that you don’t even really think of the blue circle out there in the nose bleeds quietly watching the concert. You are so caught up in being part of the exciting red circle that you don’t see all of the negative, you don’t see the drama unfolding, you don’t see the arguments, you don’t see the fight breaking out in the back, next thing you know because all of your energy is focused here so you too get sucked into all of it, the negative included!  Bouncy BOUNCY BOUNCY!
 
Whoa this circle is EXHAUSTING!!! I need a break!
 
You elbow your way back out of your mosh pit of a circle, panting, looking a little worse for the wear and wondering what exactly just happened. You see the blue circle and you think, maybe I will take breather over there. “Hey blue circle! I am part of the red circle now! Did you see? Want to come with me next time? Maybe we can all fit together!” The blue circle points over to your seat they have been saving, they welcome you with open arms and want to hear all about your adventures but politely decline your offer to join you. They mention that they have missed you and are so happy you came back.  It feels very nice and welcoming but you know you can’t stay here. You are craving that excitement again.. and you are PART OF THE RED CIRCLE.. you just have to go!
 
Back to the red circle you dive head first right into the pit! At the very last second the red circle parts and you land face first on the ground. No one caught you.. no one saved you a space… no one even noticed you were gone. “HEY GUYS HERE I AM!!!” You mean you went somewhere? Why are you even here? What do you want? You look around and see uncaring eyes staring back at you. You wonder what is wrong with you, why does no one like me? Hold on let me bounce a little higher they will see I belong here! BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE! See! I fit in. No one is paying any attention to your bounces, they have all moved on to whatever it is they do, no one sees you. You wonder again, why no one cares about you, why are you so unlovable, you wander out of the red circle and sit down on the gray bench alone.
 
You cry. You are alone. You are worthless. You will never fit in anywhere. All of your attention, is focused on all you have lost by leaving the red circle, and that is exactly where all of your energy now lies. Your energy is intertwined with your stance as a victim. You dwell and wonder how things went so wrong, you wonder if the red circle will ever see you. You spin around and around and around, you question yourself relentlessly.
 
 
Anyone see what is going wrong on the gray bench?  Even though you are no longer in the red circle bouncing away, all of the attention is still focused there, the energy and dare I say it insight is going right along with it.
 
 
STOP! Stop giving attention to being the victim, stand up, brush the gray paint off of your jeans and let your energy swirl around you. Pry your attention away from the red circle, I think you are going to find that the blue circle still has a seat available and open arms waiting to catch you.
 
That’s the thing about fitting in and belonging. You don’t have to fight for it, ever. You don’t have to pay so much attention to it that it sucks all of your energy away from everything else. It’s soft and comfortable and not full of drama and heart ache. I am not in anyway saying that this place is perfect and has no sadness but I am saying that it isn’t in constant turmoil and you won’t feel constantly in a battle for your place. It is a place that allows the energy of you to grow and expand. It is a place where you can be all that you are and still fit in. It is a place of love and understanding.
 
I am also going to tell you that sometimes the red circle draws you in so you have a moment of clarity and growth. These were some more bricks of knowledge that were thrown at me recently. And this is exactly how I wrote it down.
 
Grew Up
Grew Out Of
Grew Beyond
Grew Past
 
Sometimes that red circle sucks us in and throws us right back out, because we are quick to understand the fit is horrible. We look back and realize that the things available in the red circle are things we have already grew up from, grown out of, beyond and past, but we needed a reminder and refresher. What I can tell you right this minute is all the bizarre things that have happened recently, Drake’s leg, my foot, deaths, dramas, and trauma’s all led me to sitting here today on a quest for understanding myself as well as others. An adventure to seeing the bigger picture and not just the red circle. I can’t tell you where I am headed with this, but I can tell you that my thirst for knowledge is strong. I plan to dig deeply into not only my physical and mental aspects but also in the spiritual avenues. I want to explore myself, completely, the strengths, weaknesses, grief, and joys.
 
I don’t know where this current ride may take us, but bear with me and I will make an attempt at sharing the journey with you in a healthy manner!
 
Peace Love and Light
 
Re

 Where is the creativity.. where is the motivation…
 
Hi all. Let me start by saying. I am fine! Sort of. I am not in a bad place, but I am not in a great place either. I am just kinda stuck… in place.
 
Let me give you an example. I have this AMAZING canvas for an AMAZING painting I want to do. It’s in my head, I have a picture, I even have the paint (in my closet in the OBX). I left the paints right there in my closet last trip because I was so uninspired I didn’t even feel like digging them out.
I thought this week, get the paints this weekend, again I was like.. meh.
 
How about another example? I have a half marathon in exactly 15 days.. and not the first clue as to how I am going to do it. I have been so uninspired to workout much less run that I am no where near ready. Do I know for sure I can finish it? Absolutely because that is what I do, but THIS time was to be different I was going to be READY. I am not.
 
Every night as I lay down I think to myself I need to write about… and by the time my eyes open I don’t even remember what that was or have the first idea what to write about.
 
I have started no less than 3 knitting projects all which fall by the wayside of the uninspired within a week, I have a Christmas gift from LAST year that needs finishing… I have at least TWO special gifts that need to be made this year and it just isn’t there to do it.
 
There is a wedding.. a VERY SPECIAL WEDDING in 200 days… I wanted to have lost 100 pounds by that day, I have not lost an ounce in weeks, I have not even tried and frankly I am not sure I care.
 
I sit here in the morning and think to myself when I get off work put on your shoes go for a walk if nothing else.. by the time I am done work it’s all I can do to muster the energy to fix dinner.
 
Again I am not sad, I am not depressed, it feels like I am nothing. That I am just here going through some very mundane motions for no reason or purpose.
 
I would rather feel everything.. than nothing.. I would rather be crazy and inspired than .. dull and lifeless. I am sure my family, however, would disagree.
 
Everything is just so darn… PLAIN AND VANILLA.
 
I don’t hear like the music or see the colors like I used to, I think it is too quiet. So while the deep sadness may be at bay, so is the complete joy, creativity and inspiration.
 
ITS SO DAMN DULL!!!!
 
Please send in the clowns.
 
Peace Love and what seems like very dim light,
Re

Dude where ya been and what is up with all these shares??
 
Well let me tell you! Where have I been? Everywhere but where I should have been. No no no that isn’t right. I actually think I was EXACTLY where I was supposed to be to learn a lesson.
 
So what did you learn?? That not everyone has a good heart. I know I know.. how do I not know that by now? Simple… my faith. I want to believe that as a whole people are good and fair and loving and kind, for the MOST part I think people truly are, I really do.
But every now and again in pops one that is simply put there to test your own strengths and boy did I run into a doozy this time. But you know what… IT IS OK! I AM OK! Took me a minute.. but here I am, still standing and still believing in my heart that people are good.. INCLUDING MYSELF!
 
As you all know I put in some work on myself at the beginning of the year digging myself out of a deep hole of depression, grief, self doubt along with half a dozen other things. I was doing good. I was eating right, I was working out, I was self healing with the help of some awesome people, but I did it all in the confines of my little home here. I was safe and secure, but I was lonely. I chose to put myself out there for the first time in a long time and for awhile it was good! Oh it was so good. It was good for my soul. I told people how good it was, I even pulled in other people hoping they would see how good it was. It was SOOOO good in fact that I thought I was all better. That I could stop all of the work on “the hole” because I was OUT OF IT! I had pulled myself right on out and was standing on solid ground and I was better.
 
Are you laughing yet? I am.
 
First off.. the “solid ground” I was standing on was shakier than Shakira’s hips and second off (there I go again) I had not taken one complete step away from the hole so I was teetering on the edge like a baby who had just stood unassisted for the first time. One little breath of air and boom back on my a** falling down the hole I would be. As with all things.. that breath of air happened, in the form of the most toxic human being I have ever encountered and I have encountered a few in my day.  The wind was knocked right out of my sails and down the hole I was headed, at the very last second and I do mean the very last second I grabbed the edge, sure I was in the hole but I was holding on for dear life. I screamed and cried (literally) I questioned myself, my sanity, even questioned my own heart and why I was not good enough, but I kept holding on to that edge. Within a few days I was sitting on the edge of that hole, still feeling deep down it could go either way, when I did the unimaginable. (imagine that) I put myself BACK OUT THERE.. as unsure as I was of my own footing. I put myself back out there with love and support in my heart, insisting that every thing was nothing more than a misunderstanding. HA! Nope… Toxic Geppetto strikes again. Immediately.
 
Now this is where things get interesting. (At least for me) When the toxic spew came forth one would think that it would knock me off that ledge and back into that hole of despair. It didn’t.
 
I stood strong, dusted my jeans off, straightened my own dang crown and said NO MORE. Here is your wall, you do not pass go and you do not collect 200 dollars. You are out of my life. I do NOT have to live a life of insecurity because of the insanity you are spewing. I do NOT have to live a life that has you in any part of it. I do NOT even have to live a life of fear of “what if” people believe Toxic Geppetto because frankly what people think of me is NOT MY BUSINESS or my problem.  I do NOT have to accept someone else’s insecurities as my own, nor do I have to believe what they believe about me.
 
You see I think that has been a lot of my problem for years, I took in and believed all of the bad things that others thought of me. This is a deep deep rooted trauma. I remember as a child being told I was bad, a handful, had a bad attitude, the list went on and on and I believed those things. In grade school I was chubbier than my friends, some called me fat, or worse, a wart hog, I believed those things. As an adult I was in toxic relationships, they called me names, they told me I was all sorts of things, I believed those things. Those things were so very loud in my head that I didn’t hear my own heart. I didn’t hear the people saying the good things. Look at her, she is creative! Look at her she is so imaginative. Look at her she is so loyal. Look at her heart it is so full of love.
 
I don’t know what this persons issue is with me, I believe it to be a jealously fueled rage, but I don’t know for sure, either way it is neither here nor there. I KNOW my own heart and I KNOW for a fact it is nothing but full of support, light and love. If nothing else simply because I have no room for toxicity and hate in my life. But I do know that I passed this test. I did. I am still here, I am still working on me (no it may not look like it on the eating and exercise front yet but it is getting there) I am setting GOOD AND HEALTHY boundaries. I am realizing that while this may have not been a good fit for me, there and places that I do belong and people who do love me.  
 
I know Toxic Geppetto thinks she won, but she didn’t.
 
This is one of my biggest wins in recent history… so I have to thank you.. for proving to me that I am in fact worthy and have the ability not only  set boundaries but most importantly to love and respect myself!
 
So Re.. what is up with all of the shares recently. It’s just me giving myself gentle reminders that I can look back on as the day winds down to night… than I am in fact a Queen and no court jester can take my crown!
 
Peace Love and Light… I’m Back!
 
Re

What is annoying .. just about everything right now. Raw friggin annoyance.  This morning I have found that I can either type or use my mouse using my Mac... chose one. So my whole blogging set up is just a wreck at the moment. Guess I need to go get a blue tooth mouse.. I don't know. I mean it is an 11 year old Mac it has served me well I should put it out of it's misery and just buy something cheap I can blog with, but I am a stubborn old goot that has a hard time letting go of things. It will have to continue its slow death and I will have to continue with a horrific set up for now. 

Know what else is annoying.. I have a hard time letting ANYTHING go. (I'm no hoarder of trash so don't get it twisted) but my heart holds on to things that serve no purpose. Hurt, anger, pain, I gather those things around me like a blanket and settle right in.  Things I should let go so that I can let in love and light and peace.. I bless each of you with those three things as I log off but I can bless myself with them.

There is this situation, I call it that but the truth it is a complete shit show caused by the a jealousy fueled rage of another. Instead of me having the ability to just brush it off and move along about my life I have internalized and personalized it all.. again. Some how it is my fault, and I can't figure out how it is so I can fix it, because you know it is my responsibility to fix. I have to wonder.. who left me in charge? I keep telling myself over and over and over that this too shall pass that I need to move along that it just was not a good fit. But damn it.. I am hurt! Hurt for me .. hurt for others.. just plain fucking hurt. 

I put myself out there.. I believe myself to be good and kind, loving, caring and giving! OH so giving. Give and give and give.. put myself lower and lower on the pole. Each and every time, Hey Re can you.. Yup I got you! Even worse.. Hey it's Re can I help you with...

Why do I do this?

Apparently because I am a self made martyr and I enjoy it.

mar·tyr
/ˈmärdər/
Learn to pronounce
noun
noun: martyr; plural noun: martyrs
a person who is killed because of their religious or other beliefs.
"saints, martyrs, and witnesses to the faith"
a person who displays or exaggerates their discomfort or distress in order to obtain sympathy or admiration.

I always thought I shared what I felt and what I was so others would know or even understand their own feelings, or maybe understand what someone they loved was going through.  I have been stewing on this for a week now, that I am a martyr and I enjoy this and the attention it provides me.

If that is the case, why does it feel so lonely, sad, and just plain red hot rawness. I don't feel like I have exaggerated how I am feeling, if anything I have tempered it back because I am truly so full of hurt right now that I feel like a pressure cooker that could just explode.

So I shouldn't go on and on about how I grieve or how it feels. I should only display happiness... Lets just just tell you about my one sided faith so that it doesn't disturb you when you learn I believe differently. I am supposed to stop giving and put myself first. Keep myself on top of the totem. I'm supposed to stop cooking because it isn't my job to take care of anyone else. My children are grown, they were all i was charged with caring for. (not that I did a great job there).  I am supposed to let things go... let in all of the love, light and peace and keep my unlady like overly emotional mouth shut, so that I can start regarding myself as number one.

Don't offer to help, do something for you instead. Let someone offer YOU help. Let someone invite you, don't just show up and try to be part of something. Let them text first.. do not contact first! Don't write about it. Be a damn bitch... it's better than the martyr you are. Step away from people you care about to make the life of the guilty not affect you, but it does anyway, because you lost again.

You don't belong anywhere.. you belong everywhere .. put yourself first.

I don't want to be first. I just want to belong. To belong in a place where when someone says my name it is met with .. her heart is huge, not .. what's her motive? Or can you believe how annoying she is?

I can't even find comfort behind words any longer... they are all for show. Don't you feel sorry for me now? Because that is what I want you know.. you just to feel sorry for me. I don't really want your friendship or connection.. I just want you to say Poor Re. I don't really want you in my corner, or to cheer me on. I want you to allow me to stay here on the bottom looking on in pity. That's me.. thats what I want.

I'm fucking angry. I'm fucking sad. I'm fucking grieving.

But let me show you how I am putting myself first, let me be silent, let me show you how I have no emotions or feelings.

Because the world is full of Love, Light and Peace.. you know that right?

This is the end... the end of the words.

KIDDING KIDDING!!! NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THAT!

Even I don't want to see that lol.

GOOD MORNING! Sorry for the lateness, but here I am. Days just aren't as "routine" as they were a few months ago.. BUT I HAVE NEWS!!!! We have a good and solid plan for Drake to return home in just a few short days! That means my own routine will be back to errrhmm "normal"? And I can focus on me a bit more.

I know I will be happy to get my house here back in order and happier still to spend some time in my house there! I have missed my people and beds so! Having said all of that, it will be yet another adjustment. As much as I need my Re time.. having Drake here with me has been a treat as well. I am sure I will go through another period of missing my boy, he is a cool cat to be around. Both of my boys are... man I am one lucky mama!

I have spent just a few short minutes every day this week on myself, I have made those 15 20 minute burst a priority in my day and I am already feeling better for it. (even if I still wake up stiff and sore lol) My concern and worry now is the half at the end of October. I don't know if I will be ready! It is just so damn hot that I can't even stand to walk outside and even inside riding makes me nauseated. I should not have stopped .. I would still be able to perform in this heat but alas... once again I screwed up.  It DOES look like next week we will have cooler nights so maybe so early morning running will be a hit! (Re set your damn alarm)

Complete 180 on topics here..

Last night I received the photo above from a dear dear friend. It is 1000% ACCURATE. My grief is never ending, as most people's. I have said it over and over and over.. IT IS OK TO GRIEVE! It is so ok to be not ok! It is ok to be not ok over your dog that passed away when you were 7 36 years later. NO ONE SHOULD EVER EVER judge your grief or feelings. If they do.. send them my way I would like to have a conversation with them. So your parent had been fighting an illness for years, that does NOT make their death any less of a loss on someone than my child dying instantly. You deserve your time to grieve and move forward as you need. Even if that means moving 2 steps forward and 3 back sometimes.  I am so very very grateful that I have friends in my life that understand my crazy as it is, and don't judge me when I am not ok.

So if you happen to be going through something today, go through it, work through it, in your own way. It is a ok to not be ok. Know that you should not be judged for how you feel, and as always... I am here for you, even if I am a bit nuts in my own grief.

Peace Love and Light

Re

GOOD MORNING LOVES!!!

I do not think anyone has ever been so happy to have an aching back before in their life, but here I am, sore and happy!

 As you can imagine for the past few weeks, it has definitely been weeks, I have been off. Just off. I couldn't put my finger on it, I could not put into words what I was feeling and why.  I just knew I felt bad and everything was eating at me.  I questioned if it was this.. I thought it was that.. and then it would just keep right on eating at me.

 Ed asked me the other day when it all got really bad, "Are you mad at yourself or are you mad at the world?" My only response was "I don't know.. both maybe?"   I am mad at myself for not continuing on with my journey as I was, I need to do better with that, and I will.    I am sitting down tonight and making a grocery list and will head to Gloucester to get the things I need tomorrow and be back in time for the Wharf Work out with Hope!  I will strap my ugly shoes on and ride Penny again today, I am starting out slow again, but I PLAN on riding every day this week for a minimum of 20 minutes. I am going to add my weights back in and as soon as the weather drops below 80 I will get on with my training for the half. I have a plan and it will be a ok.

So Re why the sudden turn around, yesterday seemed really bad, Sunday was super bad? I woke up this morning and before I got out of bed I took inventory. Keep in mind this was almost at 6 am. You guys know I am usually awake by 430 these days right? Nope.. later and later and later I have been sleeping, to the point that this weekend I didn't get out of bed until 8 one morning AND we had not even stayed up super late. As I laid there I thought to myself.. why are you sleeping so late... and why the hell is your back hurting.. AGAIN! Wait.. what? Your back... when was the last time you woke up and it wasn't hurting? When was the last time that you didn't wake up multiple times in the night trying to get comfortable because your back is hurting.... Remember yesterday when you said you feel exhausted but you also feel like you have not done anything to be tired much less exhausted?  Well how exhausted would you be if you can't recall the last good nights sleep you got???

You are not going nuts Re... you are not sleeping! It's why you can't say what is wrong, why you can't put your finger on why you are so down. You aren't down.. you are tired.  This is why you have not felt like it.. it being all the things you love. I imagine that this has been going on since June 13th.. so a bit over two months now and it fits! The time line fits!

So what do we do about that now? Simple.. nothing. I don't have much of a choice in sleeping arrangements until I can get Drake home and that is likely going to be a few more weeks. I get that this is not exactly ideal but at least I have some answers as to why I am feeling all out of sorts.

It was also brought to my attention that I require down time, alone time and that I always have. I thought about this last night for awhile and realized that since June I have not been alone... AT ALL! (trips to the grocery store do not count) It was a very true statement. It is something I require, I require that time to engage with myself to focus on me, if there is someone else around.. nope not going to happen. I have a hard time even taking the time to sit down and read, even after I told Ed just a few weeks ago how very much I missed reading! I have only been tanning twice since Drake's accident and that was a HUGE me time, reset, restart, rejuvenate, and I just stopped. Ed and I have snuck off for drinks... are you ready for this.. TWICE since June... twice.  We have been out on the boat a total of 4 times this summer, twice getting caught in rain storms and the 4th on Sunday was also cut short!

Have I mentioned that I am sleeping on the floor (on a mattress) in my office??  So 90% of my time is spent in one room! 95% of Drake's time is spent in one room. We are freaking prisoners in our own house.. well my own house. well Ed's house, you get the point.

Here I am  trying to figure out why I am all of a sudden crashing, why the sadness is creeping back in. How can one NOT BE SAD?? In two months time Drake and I have spent every moment of our lives literally imprisoned. We drug poor Ed along for the ride. It's a wonder we all aren't trying to kill each other. We aren't.. I think we are all just doing the very best we can with a less than ideal situation. I obviously would not change it for anything, he's my boy, I would do it all over again if needed (do not break anything else Drake.. I will not be happy)  but it is a crying shame that it took a week over two months to figure out how damn draining this is on ALL OF US.

Today though.. all I am feeling is RELIEF that this feeling of the morbs is more about the situation and less about my brain losing it in the depression again. I am grateful I took the time to really self evaluate what I was truly feeling and being able to realize that what I was feeling was not that of depression, that there had to be something else, and to keep looking. I am not all that thrilled that my back hurts still but this morning has been a load off of my shoulders! (see what I did there)

Anyhooodles.. that is where I am today.. grateful that my back hurts and that there is light at the end of the tunnel!!! (please don't let it be a train!)

Hope you all are having a wonderful day!

Peace Love and Light

Re

Happy Monday people!

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend! Mine ended on a lovely note. :)  There was paddle boarding, beaching, a few beers, laughs and just good quality time. Saturday on the other hand was the opposite of that completely.  I still can't say this was the reason, or that was the reason, it just was what it was. I was sad or mad or something, either way I was completely out of sorts.

 The one thing that struck me out of all of it, not one.. not two.. but three different people said "I'm worried about you" Me being me.. "Eh.. why do that I am always fine!" which is a complete and utter lie sorta, I am not ALWAYS fine, sometimes I am way off kilter, sorta like now but not really. Clear as mud right?

Am I ok? Yes right this very moment I am ok.
What can you do to help me be more ok? Not a thing, seriously, I am as okest as I am going to be right now.
Are you taking your meds? Yup.. most of the time.. weekends it is hard to remember for some reason but the majority of the time yes I am taking them.
Are you working, cleaning, doing as usual? Yes still holding down the fort, it may not be immaculate but it is not falling down either.  I am still looking for ways to make people smile and help them anyway I can.
Are you working out? Errrhmmmm no
Are you eating ok? Errrrhhhmmmm no
Are you putting yourself first? Errrrhhhmmm no

So what does that mean really? It means I am a little off kilter but the wheels have not completely fallen off the car. Should you worry about me? Not really. What is, is what is. If I am fat until the day I die.. that is my issue. If I drink too much and party a little too hard at times should you worry? No.. not at all. It is what it is. If I eat the same food as you is that a problem? No.. why would it be, you are eating it, I haven't seen you stop, so why you worried about my plate?

As I laid in bed last night I was trying to figure out why people worry like that. Why do I even worry like that? It is ... is the word hypocritical?

Remember, you told me when the kids died that it was their time, nothing I could have done would have changed that. Remember when you told me that my days were numbered before I was born, it was written in the book of life, remember? Remember when I cried when death after death happened, and you said it was just their time? So explain to me why we worry about any of it? I see no real sense in it, nothing I do is going to prolong or shorten that date that was written ... right?

I am not a mean or hateful person, I do my best to help anyone that needs it. I actually go out of my way trying to find ways to help others. I am actually better at lifing when I have something I am doing for someone else. Are some of you going to be a little miffed at my post today, likely, but you know what.. that's ok.

Want to know what my biggest worries are? What you think of me.  I know, I know, you are thinking but Re, you have always been different, without a care of fitting it. No.. not true, I have always been different yes, but when the house is quiet, when there is no one there but me, the thoughts that race through my mind are spinning out of control because one of the things I want more than anything is to fit in..... 50 and I still feel like a grade schooler... do you think they like me?

I saw X today, did I say something stupid, oh I said ABC I wonder if they think I am weird.

I have not heard from W in weeks they must be mad at me, what did I do?

It goes on and on ... stupid things really, because as it was pointed out to me recently, the likelihood that they even thought of me past that initial encounter was slim, but me I play over the meeting, every word, every gesture, every everything... because I know in there I did something wrong.

These are the things I worry about. What did my weirdness do to you?  Why are they sticking around, no one can put up with my kind of crazy right?  You told me how bad I was, I didn't forget that, I still wonder daily if I am a good person now? I know I am fat, I can see that in the mirror, I don't really need you to ask me if I lost the next 5 pounds, why can't you just love me like I am?  Why is my weight something you worry about?

So what is really going on here? I still have no self worth, I don't believe in myself enough to even understand why I have people in my life without questioning each and every thing about why they are there and even when they are, what have I done or said by just being me that is going to make them leave?

So yup I go through periods of extreme questioning, especially when there are no helping projects on the table but my life is still a bit upside down. I don't know for sure that here is where I am supposed to be, or is it there? Some days it appears the path is clear to spend time at home, others it is littered with obstacles. Maybe I am just exhausted and don't feel like I have done enough to even be tired so why am I exhausted?   AND WHY WON'T THIS FLY LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!

Today I just want to know .. why the hell my wiring is so completely fucked up!  

Please excuse the melt down.. you are all free to rejoin your regularly scheduled Monday's. Make it an awesome one and don't worry about me..   I'm not broken.. just a little bent.

Peace Love and Light

Re

GOOD MORNING!

I hope you are having a happy Saturday!

Wondering what is up with the ? and the interesting images? Well let me tell you. I am feeling.. some type of way this morning. I used to hate that saying.. "feeling some type of way" I used to think how stupid it was to say that.. then I started realizing that very often I felt exact that... "some type of way" neither good nor bad, neither happy nor sad, neither rested or exhausted. It was just the ? feeling. I knew and know I feel SOMETHING but what that something is .. I don't know. It's like I could sit here and cry for an hour or I could put on a comedy and laugh for an hour.. either way ok. I could put on my boots and work all day or I could stay in my jammies and knit... either way ok. I could cook an amazing dinner (last nights dinner was disgusting... smoked burgers were a fail)  or I could go out tonight.. either way ok. BUT.. I don't FEEL OK. Something is brewing.. I just don't know what.

So when I found myself frustrated at a simple task this morning, I decided maybe I should write. Because I am feeling "?" that is exactly what I typed into my google search "? Images" thinking I would get some cool question marks.. Nope. I got what you see above as well as dozens of other amazing images. I sat there for a second, sipping my bloody mary, and just gazed at the wonder of it. Then I thought about the wonder of feeling.. something.. but nothing. How does one do that? And when they do.. do they get to chose which side of it all they land on? I hate to say it but I do feel a tingle of sad, that first nerve grating, that paper cut in the armor that I have careful tried to keep in place, even as life was catching me all off guard and out of sorts, I thought I would be able to handle it all. Technically I DID handle it all, all of the crap that life threw at me. Here I am standing in the middle of it all still and it is all beaten down and laying around the room like a bad scene from 1970s Batman. Wriggling in pain and not able to get up. I have beaten back everything.. all of it. Until all that is left standing here again is... Me. But just like in those bad scenes.. I am batman, I have my fist up, swinging from left to right, looking all around, waiting for one of them to get up and come at me. There is no rest, even in the end, because you know it is coming.

I know some of you are thinking.. oh great.. HERE WE GO AGAIN. Maybe.. maybe not... I am not sure. I imagine that Monday will tell the tale. Why Monday? Because all good things start on Mondays. No seriously.. I don't know. Its just me giving myself a couple more days to readjust, which is probably utterly ridiculous, because is that me just allowing myself to fall back a little deeper in the hole? I'm not at the bottom, I am still steps and steps away from where I was, but I am holding on with my finger tips to the edge.

So what is my issue today... I have no plans. I don't know what to do when all the dragons are slain, when life is tired of throwing oranges at me and I am still mounted on my trusty steed (I have never had a trusty steed .. where did that even come from), there are no projects lined up, or things that absolutely need doing, the patients are caring for themselves, and all is quiet. Except my mind. it's pummeled with thoughts of how do I get back to taking care of me? How do I pull the trigger on eating correctly, and running omg I have a half in less than two months. Monday has to be the day... absolutely must.

If not.. then I have truly failed myself... again.

Peace Love and Light

Re

Good Morning my loves!

I just wanted to hop on and let you know that no I am not in fact losing it again... I already lost it. No seriously though... I am ok. I just needed to admit that it is OK TO GRIEVE that just because I grieve the worst imaginable grief does not mean that any other loses are "easier" and that is ok.

I have found myself in the actual funeral home for the first time in 8 years 4 times in the last few weeks.. 4 times. After not setting foot in the building... 4 times. Let me just tell you .. PTSD is real. I don't care who you are... it is REAL. The way that place feels... it is just this overwhelming blanket of sadness.. and that smell. I don't even want to talk about it here the smell is that bad. So what did I do? The first time I lost my mind... but when I walked out I stuffed that crap down so far that the second time I just felt dead to it (pun intended) the third and fourth were no different.. I allowed myself to feel nothing. Anyone who knows me knows that I never feel nothing, I feel all kinds of crap around me, always. That is how hard I was holding up those walls, I was not going to let it bother me. BUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

Do you know how exhausting that is? Not allowing yourself to feel what you need? I don't recommend it.... 1 out of 5 stars for sure. I do it often though. As my sisper pointed out yesterday, we do that.. don't allow ourselves to feel what we need at that moment and then weeks, months, even years later we are absolutely losing our minds over something completely different because we didn't deal with the original pile of dog poo in the room.

Run and hide your crazy and start actin' like a lady
'Cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together
Even when you fall apart

It's how we were raised.. weren't we?

So here I am today, I am ok this morning. Seriously I am just fine, but I also know I have some work to do, what I have done the last few weeks is just not healthy, I can't go around the obstacles in life and expect that they won't affect me, as badly as I just want to be good to go, life is what it is life. And there are two things you can count on .. birth and death.. it's time to start facing both of those things again. It's time..

Do you have things in life that you just think are easier to not face and skirt around them? Does it end up biting you in the rear about the time you think you are by it?

Peace Love and Light

Re

Happy Tuesday Morning to you all.

I want to take a minute and explain my absence, not because I have to explain to anyone, but for myself. What started the "writers block" ... I did. Once again I allowed everything to encroach on my space, my time, and by everything I mean myself. Seriously.. I did this. I stopped setting my alarm and I slept until I woke up (still pretty early for most but not early enough to sit with my thoughts. I went right back into hopping into work before my coffee was even finished brewing. My mind set was I need to get to work so I can get off and take care of (fill in blank).. or cut the grass.. or water the plants.. or fill in the blank with whatever excuse I was providing myself and boy oh boy have there been a lot of excuses.

Those excuses also led right into me not working out, it was always lets do it tomorrow.. it's too damn hot and you have xyz you can do now. Honestly though... it was too damn hot to be out there.. but there is Penny... it was an excuse, it is still an excuse. While we are on the excuses topic... all of this led right into me eating like CRAP! If I was a good mama, I would have been like, this is what I am fixing this is what we are eating, because the boy could stand to lose a pound or two himself, instead he got the mama that doesn't want to rock the boat, sure you want chicken nuggies and fries.. no problem! Milkshakes.. let me get you the stuff. Oh rice or noodles with dinner? Sure!  Granted I can pass the nuggies and milkshakes, but I didn't do so hot with the cake that I brought in for him. Will power 0... zeeeeRO!

Where is all of this coming from, why is this happening?? You were doing soooo good Re! Yesterday in the middle of my melt down I reached out to my sweet friend, no that is a lie I didn't reach out.. I sent her a message that was nothing short of an emotional avalanche and very shortly she sent back .. DO NOT APOLOGIZE.. because I had. We chatted for awhile and we were going back and forth with so many "GIRL SAME!!!!" it was almost like we were talking to ourselves! We both realized that summer was a struggle and likely always would be, it's hard to set a routine there are so many moving parts and it makes sense, we are boat people, we are weekend warriors that bleed into the week, we have friends and family that we spend as much time as possible with. There are cookouts and go outs and all kinds of food around, it is just hard. When I reached out I had zero idea that we were dealing with our own things, but at the end of the conversation neither of us felt alone in our struggles, while I hate that someone else is struggling too I was grateful I reached out.

Fast forward a couple of hours and I received a message from another sweet friend.  She just said (ad libbing a bit) "Hey I know you have been quiet lately. I noticed that it started when your Aunt passed away" I thought about that quiet a bit as the day went on. You have been quiet since your Aunt died... you were quiet when Rachel died... you didn't even cry... you didn't cry when Aunt Ann died.. not like that anyway.. not in a grieving way. You even mentioned how jaded you were to death because it just didn't bother you like that anymore, but doesn't it?

These two women, were a huge part of my life. They were aunts in every aspect of the word. They weren't those people that you saw two or three times in your life, they were women who helped guide and mold me (yes that was a heck of a job I know) they loved me for who I was even if they didn't understand some of me. They never didn't answer when I called, and they were never not there. In the course of a year I lost both of these women. I wrote their final words, I created the video of their memories... and I walked away. There were no goodbyes, there was no grieving, there was nothing... I walked right into taking care of my dad, drake, working insane hours, helping anyone anyway I could, is that a project? How can I help? What can I do for you? The yard needs cutting, Oh let me make this meal that takes 236 hours. Don't write, don't try to write. Your too busy, you don't want to know what is in there, DO NOT WRITE. Don't think, you think the whole time you run.. DO NOT THINK.. DO NOT RUN! Do not slow down... fill every single moment.... every single moment, until you fall into bed at night in exhaustion.. do not dream. Do not dream. Don't do it.. your gonna go crazy if you do. don't. do. it. They were your aunts, you don't deserve to grieve like that, they had children, they grieve, you don't. Fill your hours, drink another beer, you do not deserve to grieve.

Needless to say I have been playing an ugly game with myself. Death.. means nothing if you ignore it. Until it becomes so big that you can't. Until it keeps you from your dreams and goals because you are so busy hiding from it you can't focus on you, because if you look at you... you see it. You see the falling apart, you see the sadness, you see the person that is not strong at all.

I debated about even writing this, sharing this, then I thought maybe I am not alone in this either. Aunt Ann would have read it, there would have been words. Some kindness, some offering of support in the truth even if she didn't like the truth. Or maybe she would have given me a swift kick in the pants and told me to get over it already.. who knows. In the end... I obviously decided to share.

Now where is the next project.. anyone need any help???

Peace Love and Light

Re