Years ago I saw a made for Lifetime movie, it was really good, and in one scene the main character screams at her mother "IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!!!!" The whole point of her screaming that was her mother was taking on all the responsibility of how her daughter was struggling believing it was due to her alcoholism when she was a young child. Repeatedly the mom had cried, apologized, begged for forgiveness, yet the daughters anger, hatred, personal struggles, and over all issues continued until that breaking point. It's NOT ABOUT YOU she screamed and years of anguish came crashing down as she realized the problem wasn't the problem but how she reacted to the problem. I have since longed to just scream those words as it was such a freeing moment.

Well guess what! IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!!!!

It's not about what your 7 year old immature self called me.
It's not about you maybe not quite making me feel important.
It's not about anything you did or didn't do 40 years ago.
It's not about how you feel about my choices in work out teams.
It's not about you belittling my achievements so you wouldn't have to answer questions.
It's not about you not believing in me.
It's not about if you have contacted me or not.
and it certainly
Is not about your "nose" size!

(babe you won't live that one down anytime soon)

It's about me. It's about my reaction. It is about how I feel about those things, some almost a half a century later.  No one is to blame for my reaction or my feelings. They are me, they are who I am and I am trying to work through better reaction and  learning The Elsa Method.  You know.. Let it Go... Let it GOOOOO. (still hate that movie though). Some of the things that are deeply rooted happened so very long ago the other party doesn't even remember it, it was that insignificant, or the other party doesn't see it that way at all and is never going to say I am sorry I made you feel that way. So why should I be carrying that weight around with me, I ruck at Reboot, I certainly do not need to Ruck the weight of every wrong that ever crossed my path and I don't need to ruck around every wrong that I have ever done either.

I have often stated I was not a good daughter, sister, mother, lover or friend. As I sit here and look around,
My parents are still alive and well, are wonderful humans and I love them and they love me.
My siblings are successful, in love, and have incredible families who love me. I love them and they love me.
My children, while two have passed on to heaven, are all amazing humans who love big, are successful, are loved beyond measure here on earth and in heaven, I love them and they love me.
My lover, we have been through hell and back, he usually carries the brunt of my pain, we still laugh, he doesn't care if I lose the weight he is there either way, I love him, he loves me.
My friends, are all amazing humans, who are supportive, who care for me, who are cared for by me, I love them, they love me.

You see all of that. All of those people in my life are amazing! No ones life has been utterly destroyed by me or my not so great roles in their lives. My life was not destroyed by them either, it is my own gray matter that is my worst enemy.

Yesterday after my terribly rough morning, numerous people reached out and said, "Those words, I do that too!" or "Your post was so me, thank you for sharing". I have said it so many times, my writing is just for that! So that one person connects, so that one person does not feel alone, my job was done yesterday. Right in line with this I watched a powerful vlog by a dear friend, who asked that we give away our confessions, give them to the universe so that they no longer have the power to weigh us down. Then to look at what we are good at. Yesterday I confessed to feeling enormous shame in my physical being, I shared all the words that I say to myself in meanness and anger. On the flip side, I have a unique ability to freely share my life, even the darkest of corners that most people hide from the world.

Today I bring to you a second confession, I am NOT good at confrontation, drama, or problems. I believe my mother said it best when she said "I was not taught how to deal so in turn you weren't taught how to deal, blah blah blah." My reaction was "OF COURSE I know how to deal! It is simple.. Problem arises with someone.. Tell them to go F their self and issue gone." She said... "My point exactly" So she is right I don't know how to deal with things well. I don't know how to have a frank conversation with someone, I don't know how to say, you hurt me. On the flip side of that. I can write. I can write with an uncanny ability to make you feel what I feel. I can clearly detail exactly why I feel the way I do.  And in doing so, I connect with others, I make them understand they are truly not alone.

At this time, I need to take that to the next level.

I need to let go. I need to stop carrying around the weight of my emotions and maybe then, I will also lose the pounds of unwanted body weight and even if I don't do that, be able to see who I really am regardless of this bone filled flesh bag my soul is wearing around. ( a fat flesh bag is still not fabulous though)

My dream, my life goal,  and what I truly believe is my purpose is to help people. I want to stand in front of a room full of people and say .. "I have been to hell, I came back, you can too, let me help you."  I think so much of my self worth is placed on my physical being and my weight that it is hard for me to see that while I have been in this hell, working my way back, that I am already helping others. I don't have to be a size 6 to encourage you through a rough work out session.  I don't have to be 150 pounds to be a coach.  I don't have to be fatless to stand in front of you and say, let me help you, I know the way.  I don't have to be a super model to hold your hand listen to your story and say "I understand, we will get through this"

Off to research what next steps I need to take to make this dream a reality!

Love and Peace
Re

 I have a guilty pleasure. I watch My Big Fat Fabulous life, and while I think at times Whitney is a bit dramatic (it's a reality show she is supposed to be) I all around like her and think I could probably be her friend and go to her dance class. Todd however I would probably stab with a rusty fork in his neither regions because he is just down right nasty. Ok back on topic, her entire platform is to show how being Fat does not define who you are and how life can be fabulous fat. Watching the past few seasons, I hate to be the one to point this out but she is not living a fabulous life and neither am I.

It's so not fabulous. I am not one for body shaming. It is not my place to judge a fat person. We all have our reasons. But I literally HATE my fat body.  I try not to look in the mirror very much, I see a wart hog. Odd thing to think of huh? Not really, my brother in his infinite I can't hurt you physically because you are bigger than me 7 year old wisdom decided that was a way to hurt me, it did, his friends caught on, and 40 years later it still sticks with me. I literally look at myself in the mirror and say.. "You wart hog" .  I hate me that much. I look old. I look tired. Most of all I just look fat. I try on clothes and nothing fits correctly because I have this mammoth belly and smaller legs and decent boobs but large biceps and huge calves I am so out of proportion that it is literally easier to just dress like a bum. I put on my work apron and it looks like I tied a piece of material around humpty dumpty... round. Guess what the chances are of getting rid of the round naturally are. Like negative 20%. So encouraging.  Wart Hog.

It's so not fabulous. My mother and I were talking about fears one day, I can't remember how it came up or what led to our conversation but she says.. "My biggest fear was being round." to which I simply raised my hand and said "Hi". She wasn't trying to hurt me, she was just telling the truth and quite possibly she doesn't see the real me. Most mothers don't see their children in the true light. But here I am .. my mothers worst fear. Round. Being round was obviously not my biggest fear cause here I am in all of my stay puff marshmallow glory. My biggest fear was actually losing a child.. I did.. twice. So here I am on the other side of my biggest fear and I still do not have the gumption or courage to not be round. Humpty DumpRe.

It's so not fabulous. I don't like people touching me. I think when they do they feel "smoosh". I am a hugger so it is this double edge thing... do I hug them so they know I love them and care but what if they feel the smoosh. God forbid they accidentally touch the mammoth belly, I know what goes through their minds, wart hog smoosh... ewwwwww. Smoosh Belly.

It's so not fabulous. I don't like photos. Beside normal people I look the part of huge well. I literally make two of my friends. My face alone covers more room than some of their rear ends! Butt Face.

It's so not fabulous. When I run everything jiggles. No one wants to see that. Stay in the back so no one has to see. Oh god someone is behind me they are catching up. Stop running, walk so they don't see that your pants are scooting down and your inner shirt is up around your boobs and there is SMOOSH COMING OUT!  I wonder what people think when they see me at the end of a race, the Spartans especially. Fat Ass.

It's so not fabulous. None of this is fabulous.

I can't for the life of me make me like myself or even see what I potentially could be because I absolutely hate who I am. The internal monster inside of me just keeps me rooted in self hatred so deeply that every time I try to break free it comes rushing back to pull me into this pit of wart hog lard.

So the question is how do I find self worth and self love in order to become this better me when all it takes is a accidental glance in the mirror when you are weighing yourself (I am down 5 lbs this week by the way) to set off a water fall of hate and emotion.  I absolutely could not even congratulate myself on a week well done because my gray matter was already tuned up.

The things I heard this morning at 4:45 am.

"OH MY GOD... your stomach!  It's HUGE!!"
"LOOK at the tops of your thighs... what is that.. gross."
"You have a bruise, wonder what your fat ass couldn't get by this time"
"Your face.. you look exhausted.. and old.. your an old tired hag."
"Look at you.. no one could ever love .... that"
"You are a disappointment and a failure... just give up you are never going to do it. You have been like this for years."
"Go back to bed, they wont' miss you, you just hold everyone back."

"Wart Hog"

What would you do if someone talked to you like that before 5 am .. before coffee?  I would probably be in jail, but here am I allowing myself to talk to me that way and don't really know how to stop it.

I went this morning. I struggled. God I struggled. I smiled. I laughed. I encouraged. And I put myself down the entire time.

"You can't even run up the bleachers"
"Your pants are falling down because you are round"
"Your spare tire is flapping and cold because your under layer is rolled up under your boobs"
"Look at you rolling around on the ground like a rolly polly!"

"Wart Hog"

This has to stop. I wish I had a magic answer and could say self... stop that and poof gone, unfortunately, it is just not that easy and....

It's so not fabulous.

Peace and Love
Re

 Happy Humpday everyone! Reboot Hell Week is over the hump today so I am celebrating! 4 days in 3 to go, I won't lie I am draggin today. I am sore and tired and I just wanted to sleep in, but the clock went off and I drug myself out of bed, which by the way is VERY hard to do with two puppies looking at you like.. "Seriously, can't we just SNUGGLE??". I would like to say I did this because I have will and determination, but that is a lie. I did this because I had food I needed to deliver to two team mates. That was seriously the only reason I got out of bed this morning.

Well maybe it was partially because I was excited my new socks would be delivered today. I have been washing clothes every day because I found a pair of socks that I am in love with. I have been running for years with Feetures and while they have lifetime warranty going on, I have about 10 pair with holes in them now, always at my toes, by the way that is about $150 bucks worth of socks with holes! I just got tired of returning them and I couldn't tell that they were helping my feet anymore. So I ordered some Experia's so far I love them and no holes! Next up new shoes.

Squirrel!

I think I side track sometimes because I don't want to fully take on and look at the issue at hand, which is my lack of accountability to myself.  I am accountable to just about anyone else on the planet, except myself. Work, I am there 30 minutes before I am supposed to be and if I show up 25 minutes before time I feel late. Reboot, usually 10 to 15 minutes early. Dinner plans, 9 times out of 10 the first one there. I try not to reschedule if I have plans with someone.  I don't like breaking plans or commitments I have with others because, YOU MATTER. I don't want to let YOU DOWN. I don't want to disappoint YOU.  Coming from a long life of feeling like a disappointment to so many this is very important to me.

I can sit here and honestly say that for the majority of my childhood and straight through to .... well I guess now, I never quite felt like I measured up. Never quite good enough. Never quite who or what my parents, siblings, friends, and significant others wanted or needed me to be. (Sorry mom you are just going to have to read it) I get it I was a difficult kid, but what came first the bad kid or the feeling of being a disappointment. I honestly can't give you an answer to that as it was so very long ago.  But I do remember thinking, I am never going to be good enough why bother trying. So I didn't try. Which led to everyone being angry at me and the feeling that I wasn't lovable, so I literally looked for someone, anyone, to love me, because I knew I didn't deserve it so any show of "affection" I took because I always thought it was the last, that it was all I deserved, so I better take what I could get because normal, true, real, love and relationships weren't available to the unlovable. Que a long line of failed relationships, shitty partners, and crumbling friendships. I will take half the blame there, I didn't think I deserved anything so I did a lot of self sabotaging there too, so even if the other side was trying, I probably wasn't.

So here I am at 47 and guess what, I still feel that way. That I am not quite a good enough daughter, that my siblings deserve a better sister, that my children certainly deserved a much better mother.. on and on and on. So I try my hardest to be what I think all of you deserve. To be early. To be supportive. To be wife material. To be  kind. To be caring. And when I fail.... I hear.."see you are still shit, you are never going to be what anyone needs".  I don't do well in the middle of turmoil or drama yet I seem to find myself there, and it is soul crushing to someone who already felt they were on thin relationship ice to start with. When a decision is made based on what was best for me and it hurts someone I love, I question everything and instead of taking pride it doing the right thing for me, it becomes a beast of it's own. In stead of being able to speak up and firmly say this is why I made the choice I did, I can only cower and apologize with some flimsy excuse, because Re doesn't matter.

I am so busy trying to be everything for everyone else, there is no time or energy to be accountable or kind to myself, and when there is time left usually it is filled with "You are worthless so don't bother, have another glass of wine and that piece of cake, it will make you at least forget about it for a minute". What a VICIOUS cycle.

This week I am accountable to two friends to deliver lunch and dinner, healthy ones, to assist in keeping them on track with their eating. It has been a pleasure as I really do love to cook and try new things, it has done wonders in keeping me accountable to myself in eating choices, and while I wanted to eat pizza or order in tacos I was accountable to them so I remained accountable to myself. I am down 4 pounds in 4 days so yay! Thank you non cooking team mates for coming up with this plan!  It has ensured that I got up each morning this week and kept me moving and busy in the evenings cooking and coming up with plans. How are we going to do this next week??

I need to take this time rededicate my commitment to my team. The Reboot Shufflers. I know I haven't gone anywhere but my leadership has been lacking the last few weeks for that I apologize. Between the holidays, the cold, and a bit of internal you piece of crap you let someone down, I faltered. You guys did not deserve a wavering leader, you deserve so much more. Accountability to you, affords me to be accountable to myself in a once removed, you can do it, kind of way. It is time that I deserve to give to myself, to better the person that I am while supporting and leading you all to better yous.

In this new year I am going to work hard towards, mindfulness, acceptance, honesty and courage, so that I can be accountable to the one person who should be on my list. Myself!

In the wake of that I am going to finish today's post by saying this.
I don't care if your team wears red, camo, blue, or purple. I don't care if your skin is white, brown, yellow, or green (you may need a dr if it is green by the way). I don't care if your education is grade school or doctorate. I don't care if your religion is Christian, Muslim. Buddhist, Barney the Dinosaur. I don't care if you are a dish washer, a manager, or a doctor. I don't care if you are a Democrat, Republican, or completely clueless. You are a human. You matter. If you are my friend or family I promise I love you dearly. I can tell you with 100% honesty that no choices I made were against you or to be hurtful. I will be here for you. I will listen. I will offer my hand to help you. I will support your business. I will hold your hand while you cry. I will run with you. I will literally lay down in front of a bus and die for you.

What I will no longer do is allow myself to feel like a disappointment or failure when I am trying to be accountable to myself. 

If nothing else I at least deserve that.

Love and Peace
Re

"Perception means we don't see things as they are; we see things as we are"

Another quote from the book "Girl, Wash your Face". I told you it's a good book, go buy it!

Yesterday after my very long post there was a comment that struck a little nerve. "I hope you remember the goals you have met, namely Trifecta." It wasn't a good nerve or a bad nerve it was just one of those "HEY PAY ATTENTION TO THIS!!" moments that make you think.

Since Deanna's accident I have completed 3 marathons (yes the whole 26.2) I have no idea how many half marathons but at least a handful, countless 5ks, 8 Spartan races including a Trifecta in 6 weeks, (they give you a year for that in case you were wondering), dozens of bootcamps, 100's of personal training sessions, I have bought a house, my dream ride, another dog, maintained and excelled at my job, added another one to the mix that I love, written about a thousand blog posts, made new friends and kept friendships growing to new levels, and have managed to be a good enough partner that my guy is still around even though I am bat shit crazy. Sounds amazing doesn't it? It should it was all very hard to accomplish when you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. Reality is that all of this is amazingly good stuff that any normal person should be incredibly proud of, my perception, they were just things that I managed to do some how, but I didn't reach any goals because I could have done better.

I will give you a second to let that sink in.

Reality : Amazing achievements in the wake of the absolute worst of tragedies.

Perception: None of it counts, I could have done it better.

That my friends is the power of that gray matter in your head.


We turn our perception into reality when at times it isn't even close. We don't see things as they are, we see things from the place we are in life.  Losing two children makes you feel that you are the ultimate failure, you could not do the one job that you as a female are put here on Earth to do, keep your offspring safe, sea lions are more of a success than you are! Nothing against sea lions, they were just the first mammal that popped in my head. So everything that I do is over shadowed in failure, even on a great training day, my thought isn't "Wow Re, you kicked ass today" it goes to "wow Re if you had kept at it maybe you wouldn't still be last but here you are 7 years later still slow as a snail".  Finished the Spartan Trifecta, there was a few days of "WOW I DID THAT" then it was.."yea you dumbass if you had trained harder you could have gotten your fat ass over the wall at the start and maybe you wouldn't have had to do 923854239847 burpees, you should have done better"


This kind of thing applies to every thing I do. Everything is seen through lenses of failure and you are just not good enoughs.  So yes at times I do need the "You are lifeing great!" or "Hey I see you, you are killing it." I think we all do, I think that is why I am pretty good and telling people how amazing they are doing, because I fear what their mind is telling them.  I hope I tell you enough, if I haven't YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH AND YOU ARE DOING AMAZING!

So Goals, real live I am writing them down and when I accomplish them they will be GOALS MET AND ACHIEVED not just yea I did that.

1. Run a 10 minute mile.
2. Run a half marathon, you know actually run every step, in under 3 hours.
3. Take my relationship to the next level, cause yea he is great and he deals with my bat shit crazy ass.
4. Blog like a writer and not some half ass part time pansy ass piddling around, try to find my followers again.

My team lead yesterday actually had us write her our goals for the year for work, her reason was not so she could see what we wanted to accomplish but so that she could support us in achieving our goals, so this is me asking for your support and guidance  in my endeavors.

Like a blog post? Share it on your Facebook so that others find the blog.
Run a little faster than me? Take a morning and stick with me and encourage that next 20 yards of jogging.

What are your goals? How can I support you?  How can I show you the reality of how great you are?

Peace and Love,
Re

,I have no idea where to start this post because I have so much that needs to be said!

I guess I will start with this morning, Today like many times over the last few years I was asked why I do this? This being the getting up at 4:30 am to either freeze or sweat my ass off, putting my body in a perpetual state of soreness, and all around torturing myself as my mother says. I do it to live like I am living instead of living like I am dying. That has been my answer for 3 years now. There is significance in that 3 years that will come to light in a bit.  You see for 5 and a half years now my world has been shadowed in a cloud of dark and meaninglessness and for those few minutes, surrounded by a team of amazing people, even though it hurts, or maybe because it hurts, I feel a spark of life.

Yes, it hurts, working out hurts when you are fat. I am 228 pounds of fat in case you were wondering, you probably weren't but that number has significance too so just hold on. Technically everything hurts when you weigh more than you are supposed to. Walking, sitting, sleeping, just living physically hurts. I lack control in the food and alcohol department, I think a professional would call it self medication, I call it being a pig (I am not very nice to myself sometimes)

Side Note: I am sharing this once again not for attention, but in hopes that I can help just one person, somewhere, not feel as alone as I feel at times. 

In that dark and meaningless state I speak of there are feelings, hurt, anger, guilt, sadness. In the food and alcohol is a quiet. A peace. The moment before that sip touches your lips the brain's focus is solely on how it is going to warm your throat and soften shrills  pain. The second before the bite touches your taste buds there is an explosion of anticipation of how glorious it is going to taste and how momentarily the sadness is forgotten. I self pigged myself to gaining 70 lbs in 2 and a half years. Every moment of those years I lived like I was dying, because there was no life worth living. I won't sit here and tell you that this year I am going to lose all the weight and be skinny and happy, because the truth is I have not found the answer to breaking the cycle. I know there is one out there and when I find it I will be sure to scream it from the roof tops. I know my answer is not in spending lots of money on processed prepacked foods, or in meetings and weigh ins, if it had been I wouldn't be here now. What I can tell you in the last 3 years when I started working out to "Live like I was living" I have not gained anymore and I have lost about 12 pounds that I have managed to keep off.

In trying to better myself, I am firm believer in bettering ones self, even if that one self doesn't necessarily give a rats ass if they see tomorrow. Yes, this particular one self still deals and fights through suicidal thoughts and feelings, just ask Todd he is the one that has to deal with it more than anyone, as he tries with all his might to keep my feet some what grounded in the here and now.  I have a cleaver way of hiding it from most humans, simply because I don't want to burden or scare the ones that are closest to me and why bother the ones that don't really care. Todd, though, it is kinda hard to hide it from the one person who consistently sees when you fail at the one thing that has been giving you spark. Fail is a bad word, I am not failing at it, just when the darkness takes over I lack motivation or determination and I fall behind. People ask me all the time why I work out with him, well my heartfelt personal only answer is,  I have worked out with numerous people and trainers, and he has been the only one to face and tackle head on the fact sometimes I have a death wish.  It's one of those hard things to face and it is even harder to know how to help, I don't for granted that he throws himself out there and tries to make sure I make it to tomorrow on the worst of days.

Boy that was a detour, ok back on track here, in trying to better myself I have been reading the book "Girl, Wash your Face" and so far I would recommend this book to every woman I know from 15 to 100! There are so many pages that just resonate right down to my core, but the one that rocked me complete is here.

Before Deanna's accident I had goals and dreams and when she died I buried them with her. Losing weight and running seemed pointless and rather stupid. Photography, meaningless. Writing kept me from going over the edge completely but it never went much farther than a post here and there. Tragedy struck and not only did it sweep away my beautiful daughter it swept away my goals and dreams. The weight of her death is as is pointed out is so damn heavy it is very hard to carry anything else, the goal is to get through the day standing. It is fucking hard. It is STILL fucking hard.  But it is time to  find out how brave I really am, and stop squandering the strength the last 5 and a half years have given me.

It is time to create dreams and goals that have meaning.

Goals that have more depth than, I am just going to maintain.

Dreams that have longer than today in connection.

It is time to be truly be brave and face that darkness is a demon to be defeated and not one to snuggle and make friends with.

I have to really think about what life is supposed to look like now, what goals make sense to dust off, which need to be left in the past.

For now, for today, my goal was to work out hard, to push myself, for those 75 minutes this morning before the world woke up to just let the spark take over. I think I succeeded.

Love and Peace
Re

While scrolling through Facebook memories I saw a post I made in 2010. "New Year New Me!" I cringed in shame at my posting of something so mundane and ridiculous. You do not in any way become a "new you" because the clock flipped from 11:59 pm to 12:00 am. It just doesn't happen. You can also be very cute and list out all of your pretty new year resolutions in gold cursive with glitter but because you are the old you.. chances are they won't stick. Studies show that only 8% of us Americans actual can maintain those unobtainable goals we put before ourselves like the prize turkey on Thanksgiving. It looks and smells delicious and we are ready to just sink our teeth and taste buds into this new thing as we are double fisting our forks!  Unfortunately most of us walk away fairly quickly having found our dreams tasted more like Aunt Bethany's jello mold and usually we are a little worse for the wear. Why? Because on to our busy and already stressful lives we have added yet another stresser... the resolution and when we find it to be unsustainable we feel like a failure, no more new you and all of a sudden you really dislike the old you when the old you was perfectly fine!  Ok maybe you had a few dents but you still ran and got you from point a to b!

Look I am all for goals. I have a goal. I think it is obtainable, I didn't shout it from the rooftops, or paint it in glitter, it also won't make me a new me, but I have something in 2019 that I am striving for.  I hope you have one too. But.. if you are riding that WOOHOO coaster thinking that "2019 is GOING TO BE YOUR YEAR!!" Chances are.. I am sorry to say.. that it wont be. Don't put too much on your plate, don't come out on January 1st and say I am going to run 10 miles every day. You won't. Don't facebook post saying I am going to never miss a work out in 2019. You will. Don't be ridiculously burdensome to yourself.  Why not learn how to love the old you? Old you can walk a mile? Work on improving that by jogging, or lengthening the mileage.  You can run a half marathon on a whim? Improve that by helping a friend train to run one too. You made it through 2018 fairly unscathed by depression, reflect and learn what triggers were eliminated and try to eliminate another in 2019.

I am sure there are some of you that are thinking.. well isn't she just a stick in the mud. Yes, yes I am, but guess what. I am me.

I am a daughter, who wasn't so great.
I am a sister, who wasn't so great.
I am a mother, who wasn't so great.
I am a friend, who wasn't so great.

The list could go on and go and my point is nothing that I could place in front of me as a goal for 2019 would change my past, therefore there is no "New Me" .. old me is right there because life created me and we just can't turn back time.

I could say I will drop 100 lbs this year, I could say I will let go of all the things that pain me most, I could say I will run another marathon, I could say I will pay off all my debt... guess what still me even if I did these things!  I still buried children, I still suck as a mother, I  am not the best friend in the world.. you get my point here right? None of those things, no matter how awesome, are going to change the inner core of my being and chances are I would be sitting here 365 days from now thinking to myself.. well maybe this year.

So maybe this year there won't be a new me, but that doesn't stop me from striving to be a better me. I hope to use this year to lose some pounds, run a little more, let go of some pain, and save a little money but none of those things are as important as striving to be a better Daughter, Mother, Sister, and Friend.

May 2019 find you in health and peace.

Peace and Love,
Re

So here is the thing. It really is A OK. Even if you are not ok, it's ok to not be.

It is that time of year we, (usually the female persuasion, sorry guys but I know the majority of my guys leave it up to the gals) try to put way to much on our calendars. This party, that party, shopping here, shopping there, bake these cookies, finish up these handmades, decorate!!!! You get the point, our calendars are so filled with STUFF that we have little to no time to enjoy any of it. Guys again you don't count, you wouldn't enjoy half of that if you DID have the time.

So here you are, running around like a chicken who is on the menu for Sunday dinner, and what do you get out of it? Tired, run down, exhausted, stressed! What an excellent gift to receive!! Not. What is worse, we are giving it to each other with little to no concern! That just don't sounds very Christmasy to me. 

As if that insanity is not enough, lets throw in a dash of grief and depression, you know to mix things up a bit. (adding you guys back in now) Many of us have a layer of sadness during the holidays, we miss a mother who enjoyed Christmas, we miss a sibling that used to share in the joy of Santa with us, we miss a friend, a husband, there is a moment in the hustle and bustle that a tear wells in your eye and a breath catches in your throat as you wish just for a moment they were there, then most move on with a smile of remembrance. As parents of children who are spending their holiday season in Heaven it isn't a moment, usually that tear wells the week before Thanksgiving and slowly slides down our cheeks until some time in mid January. There isn't a moment that is not clouded by a sadness that only we could understand, even in the happy moments the longing of spending just one more Christmas morning with our child.  From seeing their bright face as they rush in to see what Santa has delivered, to hearing their cheery voices sing Christmas songs of days gone by, the memories flood our hearts. For myself, this will be the 9th and 6th Christmas without Little Dustin and Deanna, it is a time frame in which some believe I should have moved on, that there should be more happiness than sadness, this is just not the case.

I don't know if a time comes where we as Angel Parents can say with all certainty that we have more happy in us than sadness, I can only speak for myself and right now I can tell you that the smile you see the majority of the time is a plastered falseness that is only there to get me through that moment in time so that someone else does not feel awkward.  Here I stand with emotions the size of mountains in me and yet my first instinct is to fake it for you, because in this lot there just is no fake it until you make it.  In the last year alone I have been called psychotic, selfish, deplorable, just to name a few and those were just in the few moments that I stood up for myself, can you imagine what the words would be if I didn't wear the mask to face the masses?

I saw a Facebook meme the other day, it had this beautiful woman looking into a mirror with this creature looking back at her, the quote was imagine if mirrors showed your character. I thought then what would mine look like. I didn't think it would look beautiful, not because I am a bad person, but because I no longer feel like a person. I imagined it to be the reflection of a gigantic heart with a fantastic dark hole right in the center. My heart is huge and as if the grief of my own isn't enough I take on the pain and problems of anyone near me.  You may be thinking what a beautiful image to have of of ones self, possibly, but the heart is tired, what is visible is worn out, and there are hands grabbing at it, and some punching it and those are in the way of the people trying so desperately to hug it.  Usher in Christmas and there stands the Grinch mocking my heart, look at all the pain, look at all you have lost, look at those you couldn't help, or save, look at those that hate you, look at your failures, look at the past, look at the fact that you could not save your own children....

Let that sink in.

That no matter how big my heart was, I couldn't save him... I couldn't save her.. These are my burdens to bear, and I don't think that any amount of time will heal or fill that hole.

My point... to all of you.. YES ALL OF YOU, regardless of your source of sadness, it could be your first of 100th Christmas with out your mother, or you maybe facing your child's addiction, you may quietly watching the love of your life self destruct unable to find a way to help them, your friend maybe in trouble and you can't find the right words....  it is ok to just not be ok. If you find yourself overwhelmed, stressed, sad, grieving, please know you are not alone.  There is someone out there who understands that the pressures we put on our selves are overwhelming and at times unbearable.  Let someone you love know how your heart feels, that you just need a moment to gather yourself and your feels, even if that moment stretches into a day, a week...

Take care of you, before the hole is your whole.

Peace and Love
Re

I made a mistake almost 8 months ago. I stopped writing. I threw words and clips and phrases onto Facebook in hopes that it would satisfy this pain in my heart because who wants to read these sad, upsetting posts all the time. No one that is who. (keep in mind that was in my head and my head is not even close to my friend)

I don't think I ever just posted the bad, I think I posted the triumphs and the successes too but for the last 6 months I forgot that. I just remembered the sad. I felt like I had said all I could say about child loss and the journey that follows. The grief was going in a circle so no one needed to hear that, but wait, did they?  Life is still marching on and the journey continues, it didn't just suddenly end at her 5th angelversary, but I thought, oh how I thought, you should be past this, just stop. So I did. Now here I am still having gone through 8 months of hills and valleys and still have this overwhelming emptiness that sometimes only my words in print can fill.

What prompted me to write again? Probably an unlikely source but it was a video about a quadruple amputee.  Above the post said something close to "so you think losing weight is the hardest thing you will ever do, watch this"  I watched. While my heart went out to this guy, and so many other soldiers like him the post made me mad, the video made me mad, and sad, and frustrated. "Welcome to the club" some other soldier says to him, in response he replies "I don't want to be in your club!". How many times have I said I don't want to be in this club, this horrendous place where you don't live without your legs, or your arms, but you live with a ginormous hole in your heart the size of all the stars in the sky, you know, one that no one sees.  The whole jest of the video was that this guy didn't quit and ended up helping others through his pain and loss. 

If you saw him, you too would be in awe, hell I was. If you saw me, if you didn't know me, you would think "Jesus.. what is wrong with her, she is constantly sad and looking like some kind of Wal Mart reject." or how about, "She has been working out for 6 years and she is still fat, unhealthy, and in the back of the pack". If you saw him struggle to get up and get dressed, you would again be in awe of the strength and determination it took to not ask for help and to do it himself, if you saw one of us struggle, you know one of us from my club, one would probably think "She got up just fine yesterday what the hell is wrong with her today".  If you saw him put on his legs and work out one would probably think "whoa look at him power through" if you saw me it would probably be "why is she so lazy, she isn't really trying".

Over the last few months many things have happened in my life, some good, some bad, some just normal but life still just happened.

I lost a dog, yes I have every right to say I lost a dog, she was part of my life for a year, I fed her, snuggled her, cared for her, I cried many buckets of tears, in the end I was prepared and ready for her transition across the bridge so as to end her pain. I miss her dearly and still to this very minute can't see out of my front windows because I refuse to clean her nose prints, because I didn't just lose a dog, I lost a friend, she was a good friend.

My beloved "Diddy" had a stroke. He is fine! He is right back to his healthy, fox chasing, sports watching, tv breaking self, but those few days were an unbelievable blow.  While he was still with me physically for a week or so my best friend was gone. The stories were gone. The random chats about nothing were gone. It was like putting on your favorite record and carefully placing the needle to the vinyl and finding all the words were not there all of a sudden. You were grateful to have the album but incredibly saddened at the loss of words. I can't thank everyone enough for being there, for not only my dad, but also my brother and I as we struggled through the uncharted waters. We are beyond happy that this chapter had a happy ending and that all is right in the world of Hounddog.

I chose to bring peace and order back to my home through a series of chaotic events. That is all that needs to be said about that, I sleep very well at night now.

I made a crazy 34 hour road trip with my Daddy to bring home my newest family member, she deserves her own post and will get one soon.

I bought a jeep, my dream ride, I completed my Spartan trifecta, people were born... people died... I think you are getting the point. Life just goes on. Sounds so normal doesn't it? Or does it.

Imagine, going through the journey of all of this, with a prosthetic heart, because that is what it is like. Getting up in the morning and shoving a hunk of plastic in your chest, so that you can stand the normalcy of the life that is just moving right along regardless of the pain that you still feel.

I couldn't have made it this far without the poster of the video. He is one of my dearest friends, he has supported me, and triumphed with me, he wouldn't want you to know it but he has shed a tear or two.  I am not concerned if he will be upset about this post because he is one of the handful of people in my life that remember on a daily basis that I am not a whole person any more, and just does his damnedest to keep me upright.

So what is the point then you ask? It was actually one of many.

First off, it reminded me, of something my dear friend Tater said to me in the wake of my dad's, "thing" as he calls he. We were talking about Deanna and he said, "We all have different ways of dealing with things, your Dad he stays strong, you, you write about how you feel". I had no idea Tater even knew that I wrote, apparently my dad had told him about it.  This guy in the video he ends up doing some great things to help people, me my great things are my words, I sometimes forget that. Tater, I love ya buddy, thank you for all the things.

Second, it reminded me that since that day I have had learn to live life completely differently. While I don't have plastic and metal to lean on when I can't walk on my own, I have an army of the dearest of family and friends that are the prosthetic of my heart.  It would take a week to list you all, and I think you all know who you are.  Ed, Amanda, Chris, Kami, Phyl, Todd, Drake, Mama and Daddy... thank you for being pieces of the support I need daily. Everyone else, believe me I have not forgotten you, I know I have a network of catchers if I fall past the front lines and you are all loved so dearly.

Third, it reminded me that not all things are visible, that pain and struggle can be hidden, so maybe that chick you see crying in the grocery store isn't just having a mental break, maybe she saw something that reminded her of her daughter, or maybe she is in chronic pain from an illness no one knows she has, or maybe she buried her best friend, or maybe she is struggling so hard at single mom'ing, or maybe she is in fact having a mental break, either way its time to support each other, because without badges, no one knows the struggle behind the person.

And lastly, if I don't help myself by writing, the support that I obtain from others doesn't go any farther than me and to me that is a waste of love.

While I still may be fat, I still may be at the back, I still may cry, I still may hurt, I still may not get out of bed every morning, here I am, doing the hardest thing for me,  the next thing. The next thing will always be the hardest.

My gift to myself, my words.

Peace and Love
Re

I imagine this is what my guardian angel looks like. Just exhausted from the roller coast. "Oh hey look she's got it... to crap.. nope she is standing on the edge of the end."

It is so hard this time of year, every year I start with out with the best of intentions of celebrating De's life but the truth is death over shadows it all. The utter failure that completely consumes my heart is just truthfully indescribable. The best way I have found is your heart becomes so full of grief and anguish the only thing left to do is scream because if not it feels as if your heart will surely explode.

Five years I have struggled with the guilt of being a horrible mom, to knowing in my heart that it was me who was calling her at that exact moment, knowing my life has amounted to not much of anything since she has been gone, filled with sadness and fat. Yes I consider my weight a failure, because I had been fighting so long before the accident and I just gave up and now I can't seem to get over the hill of piled on pounds again. She wouldn't be proud. People tell me all the time she would be.. she wouldn't. I failed her in so many ways in life and in death. There is no way to fix it.

I still hear the words of that woman who came to my mothers house saying my mom was the only mother Deanna knew, that she never understood why I didn't love her or want her and just basically how horrible of a human being I was. They echo.. over and over .. even all these years later. I asked my mother once if she thought Deanna actually said those things. She said yes... that is was probably about attention but chances are she said it. All those years I didn't think they ever felt unwanted, I did what I did so they would have better not because they weren't wanted but because I wanted better for them than me.

This failing at life thing didn't just start 5 years ago, I am pretty sure it started 46 years ago. Can you imagine hating yourself so badly that there are more moments than not that you feel like you deserve this broken heart. That you have messed up so much in life that this is your punishment. That you suck as a daughter, a mother, a wife, a sister, a friend so badly that instead of being able to just die and have it all melt away that this... this is your lot. The endless am I going to make it through today without a melt down? How much longer can I fake this smile? Can I even pretend anymore? I have learned to hide it so well I don't even think the closest even see the cracks and breaks anymore.  How much more can my heart hurt?

Yesterday I lashed out at someone that I swore I would not, for weeks and weeks now I have watched as something so minor was blown into full on tragedy and even as I explained that no she was incredibly blessed and to please reconsider when posting anything short of her multitudes of blessings and the memories she is making with her children and to stop tarnishing it with minor set backs as life altering and ending events. I was met with that she didn't share the gruesome details ... gruesome details? You want gruesome... imagine the images in my head. Imagine the video of made up moments as your child spends her last minutes, string them together and load them into your brain on repeat with no pause. No way to make it stop and knowing that ultimately it was your fault. I don't want your pity.. I want you to wake up and see what is in front of you, if you don't.. yet another failure.

I realize some people look at where I am today versus 15 years ago and think.. wow that is some change. Look her lovely house.. her nice car.. her bills are paid. I would trade it all to have the kids back. I would live in a card board box to be able to go back and just be the mom they needed. To be the friend to people who needed. To be the daughter .. sister.. just to change who I am because this me.. she is nothing.

Some have said I should write a book.. I am not sure what it would be about. How to fail at grief? How to just stay stuck in self hatred and guilt?

So here I am .. another year approaching. 5 without my beautiful amazing daughter. Without her voice, her hugs, or her laugh. Another year I am failing her. How do you celebrate a life when your heart is so shattered?