Yea.. I guess I needed a 4 month break...
I am back flying around.
Big things coming..
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin'
Lovin' might be a mistake, but it's worth makin'
Don't let some Hellbent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to sellin' out, reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance...
It's National Siblings day so person after person has revealed to me on Facebook. I stopped looking. So many happy smiling faces. Little kids from the 70's. Funny pics from the 80's. Recent photos...
That's all perfect for someone who's heart is not in a bazillion pieces. Mine is... some of these kids are.. some of these kids are in heaven.. some of these kids are oblivious to the day.. some of these kids are not acknowledging the day because they know it will probably upset me.
I don't know when life will be back together and something as simple and stupid as a made up holiday doesn't yank my heart out of my chest.
February.. March.. April.. just filled with memory after memory after memory.. last texts.. last messages.. last birthdays.. Easter.. Siblings day.. angelversaries.. I have tried and tired to fight through them.. just day after day keep going.. but right now.. right this minute it is all falling apart.
It's times like this that most people have a sibling to turn to... yea not so much.
So seriously. This will be the last post about the marathon. No I won't promise because as soon as I do promise I will remember something tomorrow that I forgot today and repost about the marathon and you will be all.... but you PROOOOOMMMMMIIISSSSEEEEDDDD and then I will have to open a can of whoop ass on you because have YOU done a marathon? If you answer no then you have no right to whine about the fact that I am typing about it for the umpteenth time because hello you don't know how amazing it is from this side of the finish line and if you DID know then you would be all.. LOOK she is writing about her experience again.. because those that do it really want to hear the experience of others for many reason.. to up our game on the next one... to compare notes about the hills or no hills.. to learn some dos and don'ts we don't know.. and because we truly get excited when we hear I have finished a marathon too!
PS that sentence should make Janice proud.. very proud. It was as long as a marathon! Longest run on sentence in history. (she will probably have beat that but hey I am bragging here)
So lets back track a bit. From the beginning the very very beginning. I signed up for this marathon in March of 2013 the day after completing the Shamrock Half Marathon. I loved that half. It felt good. I enjoyed the lay out and the scenery. I decided that day that I wanted to see what the first half looked like. I signed up. I then later signed up for 7 half marathons that year. Less than a month later the accident happened. Some of the half marathons were completed, some were deferred, some I just didn't show up to. It was not a good year. When it came time to do anything about getting ready for the Shamrock Marathon I deferred it. Thinking to myself I will be better the next year, many of my friends completed the marathon without me. I was incredibly proud of them but there was an empty place where I just felt like a loser because I did not complete something I set out to do.
Then roles around June 22nd 2014 and someone had the bright idea we would all get Trusz the marathon for his birthday, nothing like giving the gift that keeps on giving.. mile after mile after mile after training mile. :) The someone was smart, it was a great gift. It let the Rhino know we believed in him and that we knew he could do it. GREAT IDEA.. until the one night we were at the Trusz's house and he says.. "You should do the marathon with me." Without even thinking of the ramifications I said "I am already signed up." That pretty much sealed the deal. Time and time again I heard from either Chris or Kami... "You are going to do the marathon you can do it" and day after day I didn't train. At some point in the month leading up to the marathon when I finally started training I was a complete disaster I KNEW I could not finish it and I had this overwhelming fear that I would have to drop out mid way and that to me is a HUGE HUGE failure. I talked about it with as many people as I could and it was a fifty fifty thing.. half said "DON'T DO IT" half said "YOU GOT THIS.. JUST GO DO YOUR BEST". Just so we are all clear here my feeling behind this is half were extremely worried about my health and well being and felt the half was the best way to go and half felt that I had some kind of magical fairy dust hidden around somewhere and could do what I wanted to do even if it was one of the most physically insane things I have done. Neither half to me is any better than the other, I love you all and each of you were open and honest with your feelings.
In the end, my fear of failure won. I felt that bailing on a commitment and goal yet again would mark yet another failure next to my name, a failure that mentally I could not afford. If I failed mid course at least I could hold on to the fact I tried, not trying at all to me is worse.. much much worse. I think I would have been very angry at myself, which by the way I am on a regular basis so I didn't need another reason. I knew my training wasn't enough, but I kept hearing the words of my friend Melissa "Girl you are insane, but you are just one of those people that when they set their mind to it they can just do it, training or not, you just go out there and do it." and my coach Matt Costa who responded with "Be determined to finish and you will" after asking him exactly if he thought I could finish or if I didn't have a chance in hell.
So that was it, after exactly 28 days of training, 74 miles of running I found myself at the start line with my best friend the Rhino and a group of amazing friends, runners, and team mates. I was nervous I will not even begin to lie about that. I was totally all in my head, what if this.. what if that.. what if I get STUCK IN A PORTA POTTY! (I think I have an irrational fear of porta potties.. the things that could happen in there.. what if someone was coming in to hot and couldn't stop and instead of stopping to get in the big blue box of poopy water they yanked the door while running forward and barrel into the whole thing sending me toppling down a hill into a river in a PORTA POTTY.. WITH POOP!" ((there were no hills or rivers involved in this marathon.. but what if)) Anyhoo.. my mind it is racing with every crazy thought out there. A very good thing is that we stayed very close to the start line and I was only out there for 20 minutes before I heard 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 GO! At which point I said to Kit, "Oh we are next!" the reply I got was scary, he says "No, that is us! We go now." I hope he didn't hear my reply.
Trot Trot Trot.. off we go. I had no desire to go "fast" I just tippy toed on down the road. People were already cheering and waving signs and looking for loved ones and before you know it I see MY LOVED ONE! The absolute tee total love of my life is standing there yelling GO RE!!!! Oh wait she is standing in the middle of the road, move honey don't get trampled.. at which point I realize the stamped has stampeded way far ahead of me and she is safe. She snaps a pic and I keep on my merry way.
Mile 1.. opps 1 minute faster than a 200 year old turtle in molasses on a cold day (did I mention it was chilly) I thought to myself slow down you old fool you won't make it. Mile 2 CRAP still 1 minute faster than I was supposed to, you aren't doing what you said you would now SLOW DOWN. Mile 3 was the bridge that slowed me down a bit but still a tad too fast then I saw Terry at the cut off.. then a half a mile later I saw Chris and the gang then I saw Brandi timing Then right before 5 I was lucky enough to run into a team mate who helped me get back on track even if I did end of with a soaking wet pile of wool stuck on my lower back for the next 9 miles, it was well worth it. I got to see some team mates and that always makes you feel good. Mile 6 back by Brandi. Mile something or other I saw a team mates mom. Mile something or another ish I ran though the first military base and got major high fives from some of the most awesome soldiers. Beebop back over the bridge down and around the end of the point.. passed the ladies I had kept ping ponging with as they cut of to use .. THE PORTA POTTY.. I never saw them again, I hope they didn't meet an unfortunate issue in the porta potty. I know I was past mile 10 right about here I remember the sign. Miles 5 through 10 flew by, after 10 I knew that Theresa would be coming up and I spent a considerable amount of time looking at park benches until finally.. finally I can drop of the sopping pile of wool (this comes as a blessing in a short while so keep up) I kinda felt bad handing it off, here is this beautiful woman with her beautiful daughters and the best I can do is say "Here! Take this dang thing." I hope I said dang because her girls are young and keep going, I knew I couldn't slow down or stop. It was very important that I make it to mile 13 by a certain time. I had a plan a very good plan. I caught up to a few people during the next mile and chatted a bit, that is one of the things about being a slower runner, the conversations you get to have with people. The where are you froms, how many of these have you dones, we will make its that you get to share with complete strangers. I was lucky enough that some of those people I met in this mile held their pace with me until the last couple of miles, we encouraged each other and ping ponged some times running alone some times running together some times praying that the water table was around the corner. THEN WOOHOO MILE 12!!! Right there with my stuff is Shannon she had everything ready to roll made sure everything got in my belt while I never stopped and crammed down a banana. Thank yous and see you at the finishes exchanged OFF AGAIN. Half a mile up the road in the middle of the road (these people really aren't worried about stampeds) is Christina more encouragement more love and off! At this point I did find out that our tracking chips weren't working .. I remember having a feeling of sadness and saying.. oh no they won't be there when I finish. Christina assured me that they would. That was a fleeting thought I shoved the pb and j sandwich she made me in the exact spot that the knit hat had been and did not even notice it, so you se that icky wet thing was a blessing and I was off. I realized as I ran along that I would not be seeing my team mates until the end. Talk about miscalculation on my part! It wasn't long I got to see James dashing by .. and then Mike and Brittany who I probably slowed down a bit by high fiving them in their lane but I needed that love.. and KAMI! She was still out there! She was up farther than I thought she would be in the perfect place. It was exactly what I needed to keep going! Don't ask me what mile that was I don't know, at some point I remember running mile to mile and knowing exactly what mile I was at but now I think once a mile went by it was gone I didn't retain it. The last of the miles didn't seem any longer than the first of the miles. I did catch up with other people that I hadn't been with and some people I had been when feel back farther and some forged ahead at a faster pace. I did something I was not even planning. My plan had originally been to run the first 13 at a certain pace and then the final 13 at a much slower pace, that didn't happen. Some how I was able to maintain the first half pace all the way through to the finish. A few things about mile 13 to 26. Miles 13 to 18 were the hardest mentally on me, I kept thinking you aren't going to make it you have never run this far before. Some how I completely missed mile 20 and ran into mile 21 and the guy standing there looked at me rather confused and amused when I screamed OMG that is 21! I COMPLETELY missed 20. Trust me by this point you are grateful to miss miles. The miles 13 to 22 were entertaining, I spoke with people, I thanked people, I didn't kill the jack ass cop who replied to me thanking him for being out there today and I quote "Well I wish you would all hurry it up I don't want to be out here all night" Believe me I KNOW he heard me when I said.. "Well aren't we a jack ass" I encouraged half marathoners, I have never gotten to do that before, I have always been the one that marathoners were encouraging as they came by. The next thing I know MILE 23! I yanked out my phone and sent a quick text.. I AM AT 23!!! I couldn't believe I was at 23! I was in shock.. keep in mind at this point I still didn't believe I would finish. I also got the pleasure of running into people that were yanked off the course at the army base and deposited back on to finish if they wanted, Yay for them they can say they finished a marathon in 23 miles. If it were me.. I would have taken the yank and gone home to try again. Finishing seems wrong some how. Anyhoo.. the next 3 miles it was more encouraging and talking and people saying WE ARE FINISHING THIS MARATHON! I think people back there in my pack were all in the same boat as I was, not quite 100% sure of finishing. I kept trudging along at mile 24, 25, and 26 as I did at mile 2 3 4 or 15. I held my pace with the exception of 2 miles where I walked a bit more than I ran encouraging and sticking with some people who needed to make it to the water stations, the next thing I know I am turning on the board walk. That felt like the absolute longest part of the entire marathon! I could see the finish but it was like one of those horror films where the hall gets longer and longer that is exactly what it felt like the finish was doing, then Christina was there right beside me (sorry for yelling at you sweetheart, she was getting ready to touch me and right then right at that moment I was petrified for anything to throw me off.. again irrational) THEN THERE SHE WAS.. MY SHANNON.. YELLING, TAKING PICS.. Holding on to my black shirt. I grabbed my black shirt and kept on the green arch was right ahead... Leslie came out to run me in (Sorry that Christina yelled at you girl, I think she yelled because she knew I was going to yell) at this time there was only one more thing I needed to do before crossing that finish line.. I had to beat the poor lady in front of me. I did. I don't really feel bad about it, ok I do a little bit, but not enough to not do it again.
I did it I crossed the finish line. I had finished 26.2 miles running and walking. Yes I had finished that distance before but not in that time frame and certainly not by running it and definitely without serious pain and blisters, this was completely physically do able. I did not get one blister and the only painfulness I have had was my feet which was expected and quite honestly they have hurt worse after a bootcamp day followed by a work night. At some point I thought that finishing this marathon would not mean as much to me as the other 2 because there meaning was so completely emotional, but I was proven wrong. This meant A LOT but in a completely different way.
Back tracking again.. right after crossing the finish line I didn't quite stop running and went directly for Matt he was standing there and well he needed a hug, I am not 100% sure that he knew I was going in for the hug or if I was getting ready to throw him over the rail, I think there was one flash second that he probably thought BLOCK, BLOCK HER! Thank heavens he got that I was going in for the hug because I would still be laying on the concrete if he had tried to block me. :) Next up was the entire line of the bootcamp team! They were all there. All cheering. All smiling. All hugging! Each and every one of them was right there waiting on me! I hugged each one down the line. Still nothing and I do mean nothing beats this one.
Rhino is a hugger, I can't count the times he has hugged me, but this one, this one was the best of the bestest. I don't think there are appropriate words for the photo and I will be forever grateful that it was captured.
A couple of last thoughts.
Running a marathon is much more mental than physical.
Sticking to what you trained at pays off.
Longer training is optimal.
Stick around for the rest of your team mates to cross the finish line, the feeling and emotion of seeing them finish is incredible.
I am already planning my next marathon and how to better train.
And seriously I lied.. this is probably not the last post about the marathon there are other thoughts I have that need to be shared. This is just your mile by mile run down.
Again sorry for any grammar and spelling issues.. no time to proof!
Got to get to work!
I am not sure who took this pic.. Doug maybe. I was so nervous at this point I just wanted to throw up but kept telling myself "don't puke.. don't puke.. don't puke" Why was I so worried about puking? Because I knew that was fuel I needed to make it through the next 6ish hours. Silly huh? This would be the same reason I didn't stop at any porta potties. Yes I know the science doesn't necessarily match my thoughts but I was afraid if I stopped once I would stop 10 times and that all takes time and I was seriously afraid I wouldn't be able to stand up if I squatted.. you don't sit in a porta potty you squat. HEY! Maybe that is why Matt had us do 250 squats on Thursday!
The funny thing was my sweet friend Amy said that everyone is all pre race nervous smiling except me. I have a huge real big smile going on... there is good reason. I thought maybe that might be my last smile that was ever captured. I thought for sure I was headed toward my final mile, the end, lights out. Yes the thought truly did cross my mind... what if I die?? I didn't die. I am glad I didn't die.. but dying would have been ok. Dying was not my worst case scenario... being stuck in a porta potty was my worse case scenario. This may have had something to do with the fact that I did not use one the entire day. (I think I discussed the death and porta potty already so I will move on)
The three above photos are my post race marathon prezzies I bought myself. I really wish I had gotten the knit hat that had 26.2 miles on it but oh well.. I was too tired to think about all of that at the end. The Champion Alex and Ani is to remind me of all the angels that I run with. I prayed Sunday morning to each of them (I call it praying in truth is probably just having a chit chat with someone who is already sitting there listening and that may be a completely inappropriate use of the word, I am not sure if so sorry Betsy!) I spoke to all of them, I asked them to be there with me, to guide my in my day and to please help me when the going got tough. I am here to tell you they did. A few times along the way I thought.. Jeeze this HURTS! My ankle would bother me, or it would feel like a blister was starting, or a cramp would come along, I would quickly divert to.. "Ok guys I need you". Nothing else.. no deep thoughts of their absence or what it means.. just "Ok guys I need you" and the whatever ache or thought of not making it would disappear and I would once again enjoy my run. (yes I enjoyed it). This bracelet will remind me I am never alone.
The magnet just said the right things. Things I need to read more than once, so I bought it to hang where I would see it daily.
The final bracelet, everyone knows I have a thing for feathers and angel wings now. It's for Deanna. It is to remind me to live. To remind me life is short. It is to remind me to do it all before it is too late. It is to remind me she is forever with me in my heart. It is to remind me that she is not dead but yet still alive in the hearts of many. It is to remind me that she hasn't left me. It is to remind me that falling it not the worst case scenario, not taking the chance to fly is. "Oh, but my darling, what if you fly"
Before I start uncontrollably sobbing I need to change the subject. The hotel I am in this week KNOWS ME.. I don't know how they know me but they do.. they really really do. I came in to wine glasses and a wine opener! I carry my own with me so I never have an issue but I felt this was very nice of them to provide me with such lovely things. The bottle of wine it is mine. I have been holding on to it for my after the marathon "ahhhh this is heaven in a glass" moment. It's been 3 evenings I have not opened it yet. I am just not ready. I want it to taste perfect, so far my tummy hasn't allowed perfect. Maybe tonight. Maybe tonight I will open it and sit here and share with you my take on the actual race, the people I met the things I saw. I think it is important to capture that, even if you guys are sick of me talking about it!
As I logged into weebly today to create this post (which by the way has not made me a tiny bit late for work.. but that is ok because I have been working mega hours each day) I saw this quote
Healthy striving is self-focused: "How can I improve." Perfectionism is other-focused: "What will they think."
— Brené Brown
I am already thinking of how I can improve and what the next thing is. So it was just the perfect thing to see this morning as I start my planning and training.
Have a beautiful day people... and remember.. we all have angels.
This is the end. ~ The Doors The End
Out of all of this weekends pictures this one is my favorite by far. My friend, my best friend, (NOT MY BOYFRIEND HE IS MARRIED PEOPLE) was right where he said he would be, at the finish line waiting for me to get there. I am sad I didn't get to see him finish as he has worked so hard over the last 4 months, but this hug made up for all 26 point freaking 2 miles. He said at one point that he selfishly wanted me to do the half so that I would be there when he finished, I think the look on his face in this picture proves that this meant more to him. He and his beautiful wife have been an integral part of pulling me out of the pit of darkness. They believed in me when I couldn't believe in myself. I love and cherish their friendship.
My photo finish! Both of these beauties met me a bit further down and ran me in .. even though I was screaming DO NOT TOUCH ME! I was petrified if someone touched me I was going in a pile. 26.2 miles is a long way people. You Mathews people.. the next time you drive to Gloucester just remember I RAN that far. These guys are amazing and true friends and I am honored to have them in my life. PS what unfortunately you don't see is my Shannon handing me my shirt. She was on her sneakiest behavior this weekend and eluded all cameras much to my disappoint me. But she was there.. she was right by me the entire way. I could not have done this without her love and support. Seeing her at mile 1, mile 12 and mile 26 made this thing so much more special to me!
I know I am not supposed to look or pay attention to times because Betsy said she would kick me.. or hit me.. or smack me.. or something, and I will give her this much. I did not look at my time. I didn't know what time I crossed the finish line but it is clearly in this picture and you can subtract roughly 5 minutes. I have to check into it because my time is incorrect on the website. The one and only reason I wanted my time was because I did have a goal in my head, I wanted to hit 6:30. I did. I beat the only person I needed to beat and that was the person in my head that said YOU CAN'T DO THIS. I did you @#$$@#%$#, so next time I would appreciate it if you would kindly shut the W@#$@# up! I also now have a new goal to beat, this time. That is right.. I plan on doing this again.
So you want to know what that is in my hand?
It's THIS!!! Something that I thought was an impossibility. My very own Outer Banks Bootcamp black shirt. It was bought and paid for in miles. There is a challenge. The 100 mile challenge. You have to complete the 100 miles in 6 weeks. I did the math on that at one time about 9 months ago and it looked very improbable that I could do that. I did. I did it, with one tiny exception. I finished my 100 in exactly 28 days and technically it was 105. That was how many miles I have run since Deanna's birthday, yesterday marked exactly 4 weeks. Yesterday was huge for me.
Our sign! I had my own little one that I need to get a picture of from Kami but this was all of us! We all ran this weekend and it is awesome that so many of us do these events together. I means everything when you are trudging through mile 4, or 14 and see people in bootcamp shirts and you get to get and give encouragement. It gets you through the next part!
My coach and friend Matt even walked me through the finish line to get my medals. Having him be the one to put those medals on me was awesome. I am honored to train under him, Christine (who took most of these pictures so she isn't in any of them), Todd, and Chris.. (oh shut up Chris you are a leader that is all that matters and I am part of your crash so if you say a word I will charge you). They were all there at the finish line, all ready for hugs and all were incredibly proud. I will carry that feeling and the words you all have spoken with me in my heart forever. Todd... you are right.. there is nothing I can not do. I hope to never forget that.
Matt found a random Leprechaun hat. I must say it did complete the ensemble of all the gold around my neck, all I was missing was the rainbow.
This is a team, this is a family, this is true grit and loyalty. This is the family bringing in Brant and Heather to the waiting arms and hugs of the rest of the crew. I love this man, his wife and children, being able to see his accomplishment completed was a beautiful thing. Heather my friend, you are an angel sent straight from heaven, there are no words that can adequatly describe it any better.
This was me at the 12 mile mark. Shannon took this picture. See the lady with hair? I passed her right there. She had been in front of me for a long long time and I only caught site of her about half a mile back. Point of holding your pass proven. She had to have started out at a pace much higher than mine, in the end I was already at the finish line with all my prizes (which takes awhile) and back with the team when she went by, I was quite shocked that I was able to hold on to my pace to be honest and this lady was the proof I needed to know that is exactly how you do it. If you think you are going too slow, go slower when you start and maintain, I am proud I stuck to my guns and listened to my body and held what I needed to hold to get me to the end in an upright position and I am able to walk today.
Oh and in true bootcamp form I DID beat the person in front of me. In the last 20 yards or so there was a lady... I had my eyes on her for awhile, at the very end I heard in my head, just beat the person in front of you, I am sorry lady but I had to do it.
I am now going to share with you some Facebook posts from the weekend.
From the morning of the marathon:
Today as I get ready for the biggest event of my life it is time for me to make a little speech. Or essay. Or whatever.
Last year I missed the event because I was so deeply rooted in a deep depression that I did not train. I couldn't get past losing Deanna. I have come to realize that there is no getting past it... through it.. or by it. This is something that I will have to fight through for the rest of my days.
Last year Cameron Gallagher fought through her race and finished and today with faith her family knows she is safe and happy in heaven. Yea in heaven.. with my De. Cameron passed away shortly after completing the half marathon.
I always find myself reflecting on these things as I distance run ... The people in my life. The ones that are strong and have true grit. The ones who fought or are fighting the good fight.
Cameron ' s Mom Grace said words to me that I will never forget. She said she will keep Deanna in her heart. So today as I take off on this journey I will keep in my heart those I hold dear... who fight.. Kyle Ashberry, Shannon Parlett, Nichole Glenn, my Mom Ruth Ann Hutson and my angels Deanna and Little Dustin. Today is for you.
Give... I am giving you my strength to continue fighting
Live... I am doing my best to live the life you would be proud of.
Hug... I know I will be hugging you all one day if I can't today or here on this earth it will be in heaven.
Cameron you will be in my heart!
"Let's finish this"
PS I forgot to add Melinda Baker to my list! I was all a bundle of nerves and realized it at about mile 10 that I forgot to put her name on there.. I suck.
From the night before the marathon:
Everyone knows I am a signs person... I'm a little weird about it. Especially when something big is going on in my life like running a marathon. Yes I have done 2 but neither were timed so this is a big huge scary for me.
I think Deanna has done everything to say "I'm here mom."
My running this time started on Deanna's birthday. Tomorrow when I finish the full marathon I will have run 105 miles 8 exactly 4 weeks. 28 days.
Then Chris Trusz got his bib 4222. Her birthday 222.
Yesterday there was a dime in my converse. In my shoe. I will carry it with me tomorrow.
Tonight at dinner they played my heart will go on... many do not know but that was one of the songs that was played for her.
"Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on"
Followed quickly by "My Girl"
So tomorrow as we embark on this journey of true heart and will know that a beautiful angel is with us all.
See you at the finish friends.
I felt those needed sharing.. they were just words from my heart that needed a place to stay, that needed to be somewhere I could reflect back on and maybe give someone inspiration.
This leads into one of the most precious and special gifts the mother of an angel could ever receive. The friendship of someone who gets it, someone who feels your words in their heart and are led to act on their feelings. At the finish line my dear friend Christine walked up to me and said I have something for you. (She works in a wine store I thought it may be wine... oh she did better than wine) She reaches in her bag and pulls out a beautiful jewelry box (my photo does not do it justice) that when opened plays My Heart Will go on. I cried when she gave it to me, I just didn't have tears, I think I was slightly dehydrated. When I got back to my room I sat down and opened the box and let it play, tears flowed. Tears of joy, sadness, faith... I know my angel was with me yesterday. There were times it hurt.. it hurt badly physically.. and I would just think ok my angels time for some help and the pain would ease. She was there in the special gift, she was there through the miles, she was there when after the race the first name I heard come over the loud speaker (they announce names it was just background noise I never even heard my name) was here comes Deanna. Christine your beautiful gift will be cherished but it will also be a reminder that she is with me always!
All weekend I was afraid of failure. It was embedded in my mind, those cut off times, I had to beat those cut off times. I was still worried about cut off times at mile 23! I was afraid I wouldn't finish that I would be a failure. That I would fall flat on my face. I didn't believe in myself, I am still a bit in shock that I did it. The people who loved me had no doubts, me I had doubts, but I went anyway, I trudged on regardless.... and I flew.
In closing I just want to say.. I love you all! Those that ran, those that cheered, those that drove a long way to see me finish, those that I ran for, those that sent text and messages. I LOVE YOU!
This was the last time I ran with Deanna. These are also two of my favorite pictures. The look of complete dread on our faces tell a story.. It isn't one of "OMG we are going to die where is the finish line??" it is "OMG HE is going to die where is the finish line??!!??" I had yelled at her about a half a mile back to quit lolly gagging and run, she did then she did what I had already done and turned around and came back for her granddaddy. The look on his face tells a completely different story. "LOOK THERE IS THE FINISH LINE I AM NOT GOING TO DIE." Trust me.. even that close we weren't all that sure. He sounded a lot like a wild boar running in the African Jungle being chased by a laughing hyena. (Do wild boars live in Africa?? I am sure they do) Don't worry he knows we were concerned.. I think at one point he was too.
I have been a bit silent lately, simply because I have been really busy. Busy running.. or whatever that thing is I do.. for 41 miles over the last 8 days. No I did not spread it out evenly though, that would have been too easy. Why in the world am I doing that you ask? Because this coming Sunday I will complete 26.2 miles. I may have to finish it crawling and I may not make the deadline.. (that is a huge may I think I have the deadline beat.. I may not have any other person on the field beat but I think I can beat the deadline) and even if I don't beat the deadline you best bet your cute hiney if I get on that Army base I WILL finish. No one will pick me up.. I will continue until I get myself to the finish line.
I didn't do this the smart way, not at all, but then again when have I ever been smart about this whole running thing. Sure I trained for a half marathon in 6 weeks.. from Couch to 13.1miles in 6 short weeks. Most people it is Couch to 5k in 6 weeks.. that is a slight difference of 10 miles. For the marathon.. I didn't train. I didn't do much of anything over the winter, as you all so well know, but cry. I didn't eat right.. I didn't exercise... but on February 22nd I decided.. fine I will do it. (ps then I decided I wasn't.. then I decided I was.. then I decided I wasn't .. now I have resolved myself to I am) Since that date I have held to training. WOOHOO 4 whole weeks of training for 26.2 miles. Yes I realize there is something incredibly wrong and messed up with my way of thinking. Completely irrational, but it is what I do.
I was talking to my friend the other day.. I will keep her name anonymous at this point, maybe she will relay the story at my funeral and then you will all know who it was. It went something like this.
Her: Are you really doing the marathon?
Her: When so I know when to pray?
Me: March 22nd
Her: Okie dokie got it covered.
Me: I may die
Her: Yup but that's a win too.
Me: Yup.. I can see the conversation now.. MOM!!! What are you doing here?? "I did a marathon without training." Deanna:"AGAIN???"
There is one thing I can consistent about .. not training right. This is the 3rd marathon I am going to complete. The first two were not timed events and I just did them. No training AT ALL! So 4 weeks of it is an improvement.
I have cried an untold amount of tears because Deanna won't be there at the finish. I know that some people have said she probably wouldn't be there anyway, that it is just me wishing she would have come. She would have been there. She gets it. She got the whole bootcamp mentality and how we support each other and how we come back and get each other. She went to heaven in her bootcamp shirt.. seriously. In heaven right now there is an angel sporting red. Now keep in mind she probably would not have actually SEEN the finish because she was too busy eating a breakfast while I was running (that happened.. seriously she and my daddy were like 5 minutes late from seeing me finish the OBX half in 2012 because they were eating.. I was running and THEY WERE EATING!!)
She made this poster that year.. it is hanging still in the same place on the back of my front door. The colors are fading.. the pinks are almost gone... her memory is not. Sunday will be hard for a lot of reasons.. it will be painful.. my feet will hurt.. my legs will hurt.. my brain will tell me repeatedly you can't do this.. but I need to listen to my heart. My heart will be saying "Way 2 Go Mommy!!! I am right here with you.. we will finish this."
To be continued....
Hey guys. I'm not MIA I promise. I am out in action. Preparing for the marathon in *gasp* 12 days!!!
Will post when I can. Xoxo
Janice... I thought of you last night as it was still light at 7 pm. It's our time of year!!
That is just a very old photo of my mom but that is exactly what I feel like this morning. Crash and burn.
I have 9o28347239847398 things to catch up on at work now because of last weeks travel fiasco. Snow in Dallas who has ever heard of a such. Well they have 3 times this year.
So the good news is I got to see snow.
The bad news is I got stuck there longer than planned.
I am going to keep this brief (I just lied to you) as the 923875493284739892384739 things have grown, in the 2 minutes it has taken me to type this.
I just wanted you all to know I am here. I am alive. I am doing the thing I do trudging through life, in one state or another (take that as you wish).
I have some friends and family that are going through things, most of them not fun, so keep them in your thoughts, prayers, or send them the force of the Jedi... whatever it is that you do, do it.
As for me I am ok. Right this minute I am ok.
I was thinking last night that I was currently stewing and fretting and concerning greatly over if I should do the half or the full marathon, and I do mean in a BIG huge way. It was pretty much mind and thought consuming. I am actually still fretting wondering and worrying as I type this.
I am sure some of you are sick of me wavering back and forth as to what my decision is and will be. I know that about 50% of you say go for it and about 50% of you say I shouldn't, ultimately the decision is completely mine alone to make.
Now I am sure you are asking if I KNOW that it is my decision, why do I keep discussing it and talking about it, well because I can. In all this thinking in regards to this decision I realized something. That a little over a month ago I was then stewing, fretting and concerning greatly over another decision. If I should live or die. It consumed each and every fiber of my being, not all that different from this decision is.
Want to know what that tells me? That I made it through, one more time I made it through. A month ago, I would have rather been dead than complete a 5k, much less a half or full marathon. Doesn't that seem incredibly odd? I didn't fail that test, I didn't Ace it but I didn't fail. That is kinda where I am with this whole marathon thing. What if I fail. Truthfully I can do the half with little or no issue at all, I am slow as all get out but finishing it is not even remotely an issue or a concern.
I didn't feel as if I could discuss openly with anyone the decision making process regarding life or death, but this, this is ok to talk about. This I can talk to everyone about and quite honestly I think I have. One day it's a go, the next day I am scared, the next LET'S DO THIS, the following I will fail.
There is something about failure, if you do not try you cannot win, if you cannot win, you have already failed.
So to all of you that have talked to me about it, that have listened to me drone on and on about what should I do.. I thank you. Thank you for listening thank you for giving me advice. Thank you for caring enough to discuss it with me. You are probably the people I would have come to if discussing life and death was an open topic.
Today I leave you with this...
That's why I hang my hat in Tennessee. .
yes we had a blast :)
have a great day everyone.
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