I imagine this is what my guardian angel looks like. Just exhausted from the roller coast. "Oh hey look she's got it... to crap.. nope she is standing on the edge of the end."

It is so hard this time of year, every year I start with out with the best of intentions of celebrating De's life but the truth is death over shadows it all. The utter failure that completely consumes my heart is just truthfully indescribable. The best way I have found is your heart becomes so full of grief and anguish the only thing left to do is scream because if not it feels as if your heart will surely explode.

Five years I have struggled with the guilt of being a horrible mom, to knowing in my heart that it was me who was calling her at that exact moment, knowing my life has amounted to not much of anything since she has been gone, filled with sadness and fat. Yes I consider my weight a failure, because I had been fighting so long before the accident and I just gave up and now I can't seem to get over the hill of piled on pounds again. She wouldn't be proud. People tell me all the time she would be.. she wouldn't. I failed her in so many ways in life and in death. There is no way to fix it.

I still hear the words of that woman who came to my mothers house saying my mom was the only mother Deanna knew, that she never understood why I didn't love her or want her and just basically how horrible of a human being I was. They echo.. over and over .. even all these years later. I asked my mother once if she thought Deanna actually said those things. She said yes... that is was probably about attention but chances are she said it. All those years I didn't think they ever felt unwanted, I did what I did so they would have better not because they weren't wanted but because I wanted better for them than me.

This failing at life thing didn't just start 5 years ago, I am pretty sure it started 46 years ago. Can you imagine hating yourself so badly that there are more moments than not that you feel like you deserve this broken heart. That you have messed up so much in life that this is your punishment. That you suck as a daughter, a mother, a wife, a sister, a friend so badly that instead of being able to just die and have it all melt away that this... this is your lot. The endless am I going to make it through today without a melt down? How much longer can I fake this smile? Can I even pretend anymore? I have learned to hide it so well I don't even think the closest even see the cracks and breaks anymore.  How much more can my heart hurt?

Yesterday I lashed out at someone that I swore I would not, for weeks and weeks now I have watched as something so minor was blown into full on tragedy and even as I explained that no she was incredibly blessed and to please reconsider when posting anything short of her multitudes of blessings and the memories she is making with her children and to stop tarnishing it with minor set backs as life altering and ending events. I was met with that she didn't share the gruesome details ... gruesome details? You want gruesome... imagine the images in my head. Imagine the video of made up moments as your child spends her last minutes, string them together and load them into your brain on repeat with no pause. No way to make it stop and knowing that ultimately it was your fault. I don't want your pity.. I want you to wake up and see what is in front of you, if you don't.. yet another failure.

I realize some people look at where I am today versus 15 years ago and think.. wow that is some change. Look her lovely house.. her nice car.. her bills are paid. I would trade it all to have the kids back. I would live in a card board box to be able to go back and just be the mom they needed. To be the friend to people who needed. To be the daughter .. sister.. just to change who I am because this me.. she is nothing.

Some have said I should write a book.. I am not sure what it would be about. How to fail at grief? How to just stay stuck in self hatred and guilt?

So here I am .. another year approaching. 5 without my beautiful amazing daughter. Without her voice, her hugs, or her laugh. Another year I am failing her. How do you celebrate a life when your heart is so shattered?

I don't even know what to name this .. it probably doesn't deserve a title. Maybe it does and that is your job. Can you name this post? And Go!

As most of you well know I have been lacking in the writing department. For no other reason that I am just lazy and it is winter. I thought I had it this year, that the unforgiving sadness and grief had let go finally until I realized that it had me just in a different way. Instead of giving into the sad and darkness I "fought" may way through it again with food and wine. I have consumed every emotion I have felt in the last 6 months and if you combine that with the fact that my feet have not allowed me to run or zumba what you end up with is a really fat sad person who really doesn't know how to ensure she gets out of this. It feels hopeless. How many times must I go down this road. The weight it goes up .. it goes a little down... it goes UP.. it goes a little down.. it goes UP!!! It is a journey I am utter sick of but have no control it seems. I keep searching for the "this makes me feel better" I have not found it.

Please do not get me wrong.. I have a wonderful life, full of wonderful things and family and friends all of which I could not have made it this far without. I love my jobs and they provide for myself and my family. The puppies I get to love on a daily basis are sweet little blessings. I have a boyfriend who loves the ground I walk on (yes we all know). Parents who have stood beside me. Friends who love me regardless. And one trainer who has tried for years to make me hear him.

I wonder if he knows some times that it isn't that I don't hear him, or that I don't listen, it's that the monster that lives inside of me takes over and none of it matters. It's an emptiness that is so relentless that you just try to fill it with anything you can get your hands on. For me.. that is food and booze. I thank God it has never been drugs because there is no doubt I would be dead by now but none the less this is slowly killing me. Partially physically partially emotionally.

Let's talk about dying for a minute. If I by chance woke up tomorrow dead, I would be ok with that. My job here would have been done and hopefully I would finally be at peace. That in no way means that right this minute I want to die, yet I feel like I am not living again. Maybe it takes me having crazy goals like Spartans and Marathons to make me feel alive and like I am not missing out on life. Right now, with this body I feel like I am in a coma at a juncture where I have to decide to grab life or let go.  I have to get to a place that I can run again, where I can get over a 8 foot wall without the fear of crushing a team mate if I fall on them, where I can do a sit up and the fat doesn't smoosh me to the point I can't breathe. In short this is fucking ridiculous.

If you think that I just happily go about my day chowing down on goodies with no remorse, regret, or feelings of self hatred boy are you wrong. I wonder am I that person that people shake their heads at when they see in a restaurant ordering food? Am I just a few downward spirals from My 600 Lb life and riding a scooter through the grocery store filling my cart with cakes and cookies? Am I a year away from wiping my own ass with a toilet brush?? (you're welcome Dinks). Am I really the fat kid that people made fun of in school? I tipped the scales at about 125 then and yet the taunting happened anyway because I wasn't size 2. Am I a wart hog? I wonder does he still call me that in his head at family dinners because I still hear it in mine.  I wonder why I am in this class with these amazingly fit women, do people watch the videos and think WTF is she doing there? Do they look at me waitressing and wonder if I ate half the menu before shift? You would think that these thoughts alone would make me stop eating and trying to drown my own sickening thoughts with wine, but nope. It is always hey.. look at that bowl of risotto I bet that would be amazing and for 2 minutes while I scarf that down all is ok with the world but then it is on to maybe a glass of wine will make me feel a little better while I discuss in my own head how terrible of a human I am for eating the risotto and deciding yes.. in fact I am a wart hog and disgusting, but wait, I didn't have dessert, screw it already had wine and risotto, chocolate will be great with the rest of this bottle. Then you go to bed and you say tomorrow will be different or you will be at peace, neither of which happens.

I considered surgery, but there is a fear there that I can't get past and the simple fact that cutting me open won't fix my head and heart. So here I sit wondering if this time I will get to my goals. Wondering if this time I take my life back from the monster. Wondering what you really see when you look at me, do you even see how broken I have to be inside to have become this on the outside? Wondering if the only way to find peace and to live again is to just die. Wondering what you are going to name this post because I just don't have it. Wondering if it is ok to stop typing now even though there is no wrap up because I just have no more energy....

Love and Peace
Re

I know that some of you are more than sick of our snow here on the OBX, I also know that some of you were sick of it 20 minutes before it started... I mean after all it is the beach we are supposed to be sunny and warm all the time right? No, sorry, wrong.  Well to me it is wrong anyway.

I happen to love snow, I have written about it before the absolute pure peace of the snow falling and the beautiful blanket of white is just incredibly calming to my heart. Yes I did set a clock for 3 am and got up to watch it fall all morning, I didn't want to miss one flake! The being stuck in with no where to go and chili on the stove, while a fire warms the room is just as close to heaven as an 80 degree beach day with 78 degree water temps. That is just me.

I will add that I do hate driving on anything that is potentially slippery and may have panicked a little at that but otherwise the last 4 days have been glorious and soul healing in a month that is usually filled with heart ache and sadness this snow was a pick me up to hopefully help carry me through until the warmness of spring touches our faces.

So today while our snow starts to melt away instead of grumbling about how annoying and awful it is, just take a minute and remember that for just a few days, we all slowed down, we spent time with each other that our normal busyness does not allow. Sledding was done by kids that had never before been able to. The snow kissed some children for the first time. Just as putting your feet in the ocean is something that I believe everyone should do, I also believe that everyone should know the peace of being snowed in.

Just my two very cold and frozen cents.

Love and Peace
Re

I am probably going to embarrass her but I am doing this anyway.

I guess we should start from 4 and a half years ago, this beauty was supposed to move in my house with Deanna for the summer, but after the accident it just wasn't a great idea. I was in no place to continue on with plans that should have included De and she was in no place to deal with my grief nor I of hers.

Fast forward to this fall, more sadness, more tragedy but this time I was ready, I was able to say yes, I am here. I was in a place that I could open my home and offer her a place to be safe and warm, I will admit I did it reluctantly and I swore I wouldn't allow myself to be close to her or her dog. They could stay but it would just be that.. staying here, her doing her thing me doing mine.

BUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA that worked about as well as you would expect.

First off Haley had a few trips planned so Bossy spent some time with Banx and I... and well you know me I fell in love. She is such a good girl and minds her manners most of the time. She isn't fond of being left by both Haley and I at the same time but we have a plan to keep her safe and protected. A few buns and a dinner of Drake's may have met its demise when left to her own devices but nothing that can't be fixed. I mean COME ON who can't love this face.

So began my love story with another beautiful creature. When Haley is home she doesn't stray far from her side, but when it is me she is then my shadow (unless the fire place is lit... but I would be there too if I weren't behind this keyboard). She hogs the covers at night, she takes my chair, runs of with Banx's toys, but most importantly she stole my heart.

I really didn't think I could do this again after Charlie but there she is making my heart happy.

The story doesn't end there. Haley didn't just share with me her puppy she shared with me her life. While nothing can ever fill the hole that was left when Deanna died having this sweet girl be part of my day to day is overwhelmingly powerful. It's a glimpse of what could have been. It's chats. It's coming and going. It's how does this dress look. It's hey can you watch the dog. It's late night wake ups. It's the sound of kids voices enjoying life. It's laughter. It's shared tears. It's blocked in cars. It's watching silly TV. It's just life.

While she has her own life and her own drum to march to, I am so grateful that she allows her music to fill my heart where it was so utterly quiet before. There is no doubt that two very busy angels made this happen, two broken hearts just needing something that were  brought together through tragedy.

Little did I know when I opened my door she would be the unexpected gift that opened my heart.

Merry Christmas, I love you more than you know.

Sorta.


Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas, the lights, the parties, the gatherings, the presents, the giving, the receiving, the songs. I actually love all of it. It is just shadowed so darkly that it is hard to see the lights, and the smiles, and the love, and the peace. Spending Christmas without your child is brutal. You wonder if others realize you are sad underneath the err hmmm glitter. You wonder if anyone remembers your baby before you bring them up. You wonder if this will be the year that you finally make it through the holiday season with out the crash and burn of suicidal depression.


There is no magic answer to ensure it doesn't happen, there is no magic answer to get through it once it does. I rely heavily on routine of my non routine, family, puppies and friends. Seriously that is what gets me through. I am utterly grateful to have all of these elements in my life.


Most of us know parents who have lost children, you are reading this so you probably know me, but other than me... you know someone. You may not know exactly what to do to help them through such a heart wrenching time of the year, you may wonder if it would be ok.... trust me it is ok and welcomed, it may not be the cheerfulness of Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer and more the emotional toll of Silent Night but you can do it, your 15 minutes of uncomfortable is worth a moment of joy for someone with an eternally broken heart.


Some thoughts:


Buy a special Christmas Tree ornament for them, or even better yet for YOUR tree, send the parents a card and a photo showing that the ornament is in memory of their child so every year as you decorate you include them.


Spend some quiet time with them, ask for a coffee date or a glass of wine in a quiet restaurant, let them know that you have been thinking of them and their child and ask them to share with you a Christmas memory.


Send a Christmas floral bouquet from their angel in heaven.


Walk right up to them and hug them (if you are close enough... inappropriate hugging probably isn't a good thing) let them know that an angel sent it to them.


If they call, text, email, facebook and ask to hang out or for you to do XYZ try to make every effort, I know from experience this time of year my comfort place is at home alone, if I am asking I probably need a dose of peopling and a little extra love.


Are they a writer? Get them a beautiful journal, let them know when you saw it you thought of them and that it would be perfect to write down memories and stories of their angel in and that you would be love to read it.


Do they go to church? Does your church do a special candle or flower purchase at Christmas, purchase one in their child's memory, please see about about wondering if anyone else remembers, it is truly a gift when someone else does.


Send a gift from their angel.


I know you may be thinking these are stupid, but as a mama spending her 5th Christmas without her baby girl I am speaking from my broken heart. You may wonder won't these things hurt, sure they will, everything hurts but the joy in knowing someone else remembered will override it. You may also wonder if it will make them cry, probably and that is ok, again see my statement above, you can survive a few minutes of tears, we have survived, days, weeks, months, and years of them.


My final thoughts, think outside of the box, let them know you care, and above all give them a moment of remembrance during this joyous but difficult season.


Peace and Love,

Re

At this point I am sure all are well aware that Ed and I have a new home. It is beautiful and it is amazing. I did not write much during the process of home buying, I actually have not written at all since August which was about the time we started getting down and dirty with details. It was scary and stressful and I knew the words would flow out of me like a broken dam and I didn't want to put physical attachment to my feelings that I was trying so hard to combat.

I had to keep telling myself that we deserved this and it was going to happen. Of course I found one house I thought was right.. it was wrong.. on my was it wrong, and of course it fell through and sparked a downward spiral of sadness, then I looked and looked and nothing.. zero.. zip.. even the new constructions were just wrong.

And then as I was scrolling through zillow for what seemed like the 287323874387436th time I saw this...

Just right out there on the interwebs was this amazing painting of blue and purple feathers on a purple wall. Just hanging around out there. I immediately knew I had to see the house before even looking at other photos so I shot out a text to my realtor extraordinaire Ilona and had an appointment set up. I paroozed the other photos and I was stunned to see that it was exactly what we needed! The space, the lay out, the yard, the everything.

I walked in that first day and felt that felling people kept telling me about. We put in an offer and started the ball rolling. I won't say that the process was without stress and hiccups and just smooth sailing but I will say that it was a lot less than I thought it would be. I believe that is in part to my amazing team I had behind me. From my loan officer, the realtor, my attorney, the sellers, my boys, my crew of awesome movers and all the friends and family who listened as this went through each step, you were all amazing and a wonderful support! I could not have gotten to here today without you.

But I have to give credit where credit is due. Deanna was all over this from the moment I saw the photo of the feathers. Which now actually lovingly hangs on the same nail they have hung from since they were painted, with a hand written for Mom message written on the back. I will never in a million years be able to express to the artist or the original owner exactly how much this simple act of love and kindness has affected me. As I rehung that painting on the day we moved in a shift happened.

So many people say to the grieving "Time will make it better" that is so undoubtedly untrue when the grief is for your child. Time doesn't make it better, if anything the more time marches on the more dreams, hopes, celebrations, birthdays compound into more and more loss. Things are never the same again. I was reading an article this weekend that summed everything up, "When we bury a child we bury every thing that child's life enveloped, there are no do overs, there is no rebuilding. It is forever and it is final."  I have learned to not shed the tears that build, I have learned how to hang the sad at the door of work, I have learned to emoji my face into a silly smile and to say "I'm good" with a conviction that makes it almost believable. I know all these years later that it is a battle I will have to face each and every morning when I wake up. But the one thing I was not banking on, that I didn't see coming. Peace.

Oddly if you read the post before this one on my blog it is about my love of chaos and how I operate best on a life full of busy, stuffs, things, works, it really didn't matter as long as there was something to hang the sad on as I walked in. Sitting quietly with a book was most unheard of. Spending time alone for hours very unlikely. Sleeping more than 5 hours straight, laughable. I thrived and survived on chaos. The days leading up to the closing of our home was filled with the insanity of packing and emails and details, but through it all the nagging "you should be here" feeling. I would glance at the feathers and miss her terribly yet be filled with love and I would continue the march forward to closing.

Ah closing. Set for October 16th but due to one of the hiccups my move in date (again thank you thank you thank you to my awesome moving crew) was not my true court recorded close date. You see I think someone wanted their wing involved and wanted to make sure that I saw her nod. Our official closing date October 20th, a day that probably would only strike me as significant, but in a time where I still think of my child on every 20th of the month, the October month always seems to stand out more. You see that marks another half a year of her angelversary. I realize that some people may be reading this thinking "Boy is she reaching" but live in a world of no rebuilds before you judge please, it is the little things that keep you moving forward. So here I am unpacking and decorating feverishly because I had to be busy, I had to get it done, and done it got.

My daddy and mama have both visited and helped in the last two weeks, both sleeping in a real live guest bedroom. Banx has found his favorite spots. Ed's help and love of the place passed my wildest dreams. Drake and Haley have mostly settled in (they are in their 20s I don't think settling is in their nature). Friends have stopped by and Amanda and I have found date night to be comfortable and an ease to fall into. I have read two books, cooked at home, spent time in the quiet, worked from my beautiful desk in my amazing office with the sun shining in. I have slept on a regular basis for 8 or more hours waking to feel refreshed.

As I unpacked the final box, as I hung the final painting a feeling of peace swept over me and I realized that yes, it is final, but not over as I heard ever so faintly. "Mommy, we're home."

Hi there. I am Re. I live in chaos and I actually love it. Chaos is a large part of me and my make up and I embrace that. I enjoy jumping from job to job daily, a quick dine and dash with friends on a moments notice, an impromptu art class or company showing up on my door unannounced, hour long training sessions that will drop you to your knees, followed by a surprise lunch, it is what I do. It is my own beautiful chaos theory, in that I operate best in busyness and full calendars and having empty spots filled quickly with friends and activities. I flounder in unnecessary and unwelcomed quiet. That is not to say that I do not like being alone.. I DO! I absolutely LOVE my down time and I will quickly say, it has been a long weekend I am going to stay in tonight and just reset.


I know people who are the complete opposites of me and that is ok. I know others who are some form of a mixture of it all and that is ok too. I know lots of people and we are all very different, and I love each of you and it is ok. The point is what is ok for you, I don't fit into any more than you would fit well into my chaos. I know very well that it would be difficult for others to keep up the pace I set myself in.


I have had numerous people recently tell me they couldn't live the way I do. Ok.. what is my response supposed to be to that? I typically give a little laugh and say there is nothing to it. The truth is there is a LOT to it. There is a lot to my life and there is a lot to yours as well. I commend you for living your life the way you need to be you and loving yourself enough to realize what you need for you. I have been doing self discovery work for a little while now and one thing that I am finding is that I still at this age allow what people's opinion to directly affect my feelings of myself. They say.. "Your life is crazy! I could not do that" I hear.. "You are crazy, I am normal." I am trying at this point to reset my brain into hearing the words people are saying but it is difficult, especially when the words are really unneeded in the first place.


I would hope that I would never reply to someones weekend relaxing as "Wow your life is so boring" ok I did that once when I was 25 to my dad and to this day he still brings it up. My point on all of this.. commenting on someones life style is risky. Unless you are very openly complimenting the other party on something in their lifestyle you find commendable and interesting, it just comes across ugly. The chaos, it keeps me sane, believe me I have recently crawled out of the pit that not having the busyness led to and ultimately it nearly killed me. So maybe instead of finding my way of life so crazy, perhaps see it for the beauty that it is, in that I am still here and living my beautifully chaotic life! 


Love and Peace,

Re


#wearealldifferent #chaostheroy #doingmeyoudoyou #ifyoudontbelievemejustaskEd #mylifeisnotbetterthanyours #happinessinthestrangestplaces #ifaReinNCflapsherwings

So do you know what happens when you stop dreaming? You don't care, that is what happens. You let everything become ho hum and hum drum and sometimes you allow things to continue to happen to you that you should have put a stop to years ago but you just let it continue because quite frankly you have no plan on being around much longer to have to deal with it. Then one day you wake up and realize that contrary to what you believed just a few short months ago.. here you are still here, still living and all of a sudden you have a dream.

Well if that isn't just the scariest thing ever.

Especially since here I now stand with a dream in one hand and huge mess in the other hand of all the years I wasted and allowed others to walk all over me. Believe me when I tell you that doing what you think it is right can and will come back and bite you in the rear end. It is another whole situation of putting on your own oxygen mask before assisting someone else. Just so happened this situation the people just kept taking my air over and over and I allowed it. For a VERY LONG TIME, even before life became terrible I allowed it, then after it became terrible I just gave up and allowed the take take take. There is still a mess in that other hand and will be for a long time. Yes I feel like an idiot but it is what it is. I just didn't realize how much some things would matter when I woke up and decided that life truly was not over.

So along comes a dream like a spider who sat down beside her, her being me and no I don't have a muffett or a tuffett or curds and whey, but the spider... errr hmm dream is just about to scare me away! It is frightening. I can't stop thinking of it. I have lined my ducks as straight as I can get them in hopes in a few months the dream could become reality, the scary part comes in with the fact that my ducks always seem to waddle the hell off! It is incredibly terrifying to believe in a dream. To plan a future.. even a few months out. I have had all of my dreams ripped away in a blink of an eye and it nearly took me with it. So the question is how do you do it? How do you put yourself out there again on the ledge and actually jump and believe that it is going to be ok.  The actual fear of failing is so great that it truly makes me want to just throw my hands up and walk away from it, even though it could possibly be what all my dreams for a future could be made of.

Ridiculous right?

So for now I am just going to put one foot in front of the other and pray for a miracle.

Love and Peace
Re

I had last night off, I decided that instead of going out and doing doing doing doing I was going to stay in and just physically reset myself for another long day and then hustle and bustle of getting ready for vacation. I made myself a nice dinner and sat down to watch a movie. I chose The Shack.

I know it is rather shocking that I would randomly chose this movie after vowing I wouldn't or couldn't sit through it but I figured worse case scenario I was home alone and I could turn it off and throw the remote through the TV if needed. It was not that bad.. I cried, probably more that most people would but the movie itself was very good. I can see why it received some nasty Christian comments as it doesn't really fit in the mold they have made God or Jesus into and that is ok. I am not here to judge anyone else's thoughts or beliefs only mine.

The main part of this movie is a family who lost a child, a daughter to be exact. While the situation was completely different than mine it was completely the same. This family, the father actually looked away, and when he turned around found his whole life upside down. I looked away, I thought everything was fine, I wasn't there to protect her, I didn't teach her the things she needed to know... while it was completely different it was all the same. A terrible man snatched this little girl... A terrible God snatched my little girl.

Through out my journey I have gone through periods of extreme anger at God, my closets of friends and family know this. They have witnessed it. I go through anger at myself due to parental failure. I deal with the shame of deserving my kids to be taken away as a punishment by God for my past. So over and over this movie continued to hit home in how I dealt with the deaths of these two beautiful children in my life. I blamed myself for not being there, I blamed God for not stopping it. I judged others around me who I felt how can this person still be here yet they took my beautiful girl! How am I still here.. I don't belong here. Maybe I do and this is just hell.

So I sat through this movie as I watched the father's agony over losing his beautiful child and the blame he placed on himself and God and I cried. Ok I cried a lot. My take away from the movie was simple. Forgiveness. The key to all is forgiveness and release. It is time to lay my beautiful girl to rest in my heart. To bury the tragedy and the pain before it completely consumes the remaining time I have. While her earthly body is in a grave far from me I have carried her with me in my mind and my heart and more times than I care to admit it is the horror of that day that comes forth. Not her beautiful smile or her infectious laughter... just the horror. It is time to wrap her battered and broken body and lay it peacefully to be buried with love in my heart so that her beauty can shine through. To do this I have to forgive myself for not being the mom she needed. I can not change the past, it is set in stone but I can move on and try my best to live in a way she would have wanted.

So while the movie was hard to sit through.. it left me better than I was. To me that is a win.

Love and Peace,
Re

PS I don't think God has a beard.