What is annoying .. just about everything right now. Raw friggin annoyance.  This morning I have found that I can either type or use my mouse using my Mac... chose one. So my whole blogging set up is just a wreck at the moment. Guess I need to go get a blue tooth mouse.. I don't know. I mean it is an 11 year old Mac it has served me well I should put it out of it's misery and just buy something cheap I can blog with, but I am a stubborn old goot that has a hard time letting go of things. It will have to continue its slow death and I will have to continue with a horrific set up for now. 

Know what else is annoying.. I have a hard time letting ANYTHING go. (I'm no hoarder of trash so don't get it twisted) but my heart holds on to things that serve no purpose. Hurt, anger, pain, I gather those things around me like a blanket and settle right in.  Things I should let go so that I can let in love and light and peace.. I bless each of you with those three things as I log off but I can bless myself with them.

There is this situation, I call it that but the truth it is a complete shit show caused by the a jealousy fueled rage of another. Instead of me having the ability to just brush it off and move along about my life I have internalized and personalized it all.. again. Some how it is my fault, and I can't figure out how it is so I can fix it, because you know it is my responsibility to fix. I have to wonder.. who left me in charge? I keep telling myself over and over and over that this too shall pass that I need to move along that it just was not a good fit. But damn it.. I am hurt! Hurt for me .. hurt for others.. just plain fucking hurt. 

I put myself out there.. I believe myself to be good and kind, loving, caring and giving! OH so giving. Give and give and give.. put myself lower and lower on the pole. Each and every time, Hey Re can you.. Yup I got you! Even worse.. Hey it's Re can I help you with...

Why do I do this?

Apparently because I am a self made martyr and I enjoy it.

mar·tyr
/ˈmärdər/
Learn to pronounce
noun
noun: martyr; plural noun: martyrs
a person who is killed because of their religious or other beliefs.
"saints, martyrs, and witnesses to the faith"
a person who displays or exaggerates their discomfort or distress in order to obtain sympathy or admiration.

I always thought I shared what I felt and what I was so others would know or even understand their own feelings, or maybe understand what someone they loved was going through.  I have been stewing on this for a week now, that I am a martyr and I enjoy this and the attention it provides me.

If that is the case, why does it feel so lonely, sad, and just plain red hot rawness. I don't feel like I have exaggerated how I am feeling, if anything I have tempered it back because I am truly so full of hurt right now that I feel like a pressure cooker that could just explode.

So I shouldn't go on and on about how I grieve or how it feels. I should only display happiness... Lets just just tell you about my one sided faith so that it doesn't disturb you when you learn I believe differently. I am supposed to stop giving and put myself first. Keep myself on top of the totem. I'm supposed to stop cooking because it isn't my job to take care of anyone else. My children are grown, they were all i was charged with caring for. (not that I did a great job there).  I am supposed to let things go... let in all of the love, light and peace and keep my unlady like overly emotional mouth shut, so that I can start regarding myself as number one.

Don't offer to help, do something for you instead. Let someone offer YOU help. Let someone invite you, don't just show up and try to be part of something. Let them text first.. do not contact first! Don't write about it. Be a damn bitch... it's better than the martyr you are. Step away from people you care about to make the life of the guilty not affect you, but it does anyway, because you lost again.

You don't belong anywhere.. you belong everywhere .. put yourself first.

I don't want to be first. I just want to belong. To belong in a place where when someone says my name it is met with .. her heart is huge, not .. what's her motive? Or can you believe how annoying she is?

I can't even find comfort behind words any longer... they are all for show. Don't you feel sorry for me now? Because that is what I want you know.. you just to feel sorry for me. I don't really want your friendship or connection.. I just want you to say Poor Re. I don't really want you in my corner, or to cheer me on. I want you to allow me to stay here on the bottom looking on in pity. That's me.. thats what I want.

I'm fucking angry. I'm fucking sad. I'm fucking grieving.

But let me show you how I am putting myself first, let me be silent, let me show you how I have no emotions or feelings.

Because the world is full of Love, Light and Peace.. you know that right?

This is the end... the end of the words.

KIDDING KIDDING!!! NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THAT!

Even I don't want to see that lol.

GOOD MORNING! Sorry for the lateness, but here I am. Days just aren't as "routine" as they were a few months ago.. BUT I HAVE NEWS!!!! We have a good and solid plan for Drake to return home in just a few short days! That means my own routine will be back to errrhmm "normal"? And I can focus on me a bit more.

I know I will be happy to get my house here back in order and happier still to spend some time in my house there! I have missed my people and beds so! Having said all of that, it will be yet another adjustment. As much as I need my Re time.. having Drake here with me has been a treat as well. I am sure I will go through another period of missing my boy, he is a cool cat to be around. Both of my boys are... man I am one lucky mama!

I have spent just a few short minutes every day this week on myself, I have made those 15 20 minute burst a priority in my day and I am already feeling better for it. (even if I still wake up stiff and sore lol) My concern and worry now is the half at the end of October. I don't know if I will be ready! It is just so damn hot that I can't even stand to walk outside and even inside riding makes me nauseated. I should not have stopped .. I would still be able to perform in this heat but alas... once again I screwed up.  It DOES look like next week we will have cooler nights so maybe so early morning running will be a hit! (Re set your damn alarm)

Complete 180 on topics here..

Last night I received the photo above from a dear dear friend. It is 1000% ACCURATE. My grief is never ending, as most people's. I have said it over and over and over.. IT IS OK TO GRIEVE! It is so ok to be not ok! It is ok to be not ok over your dog that passed away when you were 7 36 years later. NO ONE SHOULD EVER EVER judge your grief or feelings. If they do.. send them my way I would like to have a conversation with them. So your parent had been fighting an illness for years, that does NOT make their death any less of a loss on someone than my child dying instantly. You deserve your time to grieve and move forward as you need. Even if that means moving 2 steps forward and 3 back sometimes.  I am so very very grateful that I have friends in my life that understand my crazy as it is, and don't judge me when I am not ok.

So if you happen to be going through something today, go through it, work through it, in your own way. It is a ok to not be ok. Know that you should not be judged for how you feel, and as always... I am here for you, even if I am a bit nuts in my own grief.

Peace Love and Light

Re

GOOD MORNING LOVES!!!

I do not think anyone has ever been so happy to have an aching back before in their life, but here I am, sore and happy!

 As you can imagine for the past few weeks, it has definitely been weeks, I have been off. Just off. I couldn't put my finger on it, I could not put into words what I was feeling and why.  I just knew I felt bad and everything was eating at me.  I questioned if it was this.. I thought it was that.. and then it would just keep right on eating at me.

 Ed asked me the other day when it all got really bad, "Are you mad at yourself or are you mad at the world?" My only response was "I don't know.. both maybe?"   I am mad at myself for not continuing on with my journey as I was, I need to do better with that, and I will.    I am sitting down tonight and making a grocery list and will head to Gloucester to get the things I need tomorrow and be back in time for the Wharf Work out with Hope!  I will strap my ugly shoes on and ride Penny again today, I am starting out slow again, but I PLAN on riding every day this week for a minimum of 20 minutes. I am going to add my weights back in and as soon as the weather drops below 80 I will get on with my training for the half. I have a plan and it will be a ok.

So Re why the sudden turn around, yesterday seemed really bad, Sunday was super bad? I woke up this morning and before I got out of bed I took inventory. Keep in mind this was almost at 6 am. You guys know I am usually awake by 430 these days right? Nope.. later and later and later I have been sleeping, to the point that this weekend I didn't get out of bed until 8 one morning AND we had not even stayed up super late. As I laid there I thought to myself.. why are you sleeping so late... and why the hell is your back hurting.. AGAIN! Wait.. what? Your back... when was the last time you woke up and it wasn't hurting? When was the last time that you didn't wake up multiple times in the night trying to get comfortable because your back is hurting.... Remember yesterday when you said you feel exhausted but you also feel like you have not done anything to be tired much less exhausted?  Well how exhausted would you be if you can't recall the last good nights sleep you got???

You are not going nuts Re... you are not sleeping! It's why you can't say what is wrong, why you can't put your finger on why you are so down. You aren't down.. you are tired.  This is why you have not felt like it.. it being all the things you love. I imagine that this has been going on since June 13th.. so a bit over two months now and it fits! The time line fits!

So what do we do about that now? Simple.. nothing. I don't have much of a choice in sleeping arrangements until I can get Drake home and that is likely going to be a few more weeks. I get that this is not exactly ideal but at least I have some answers as to why I am feeling all out of sorts.

It was also brought to my attention that I require down time, alone time and that I always have. I thought about this last night for awhile and realized that since June I have not been alone... AT ALL! (trips to the grocery store do not count) It was a very true statement. It is something I require, I require that time to engage with myself to focus on me, if there is someone else around.. nope not going to happen. I have a hard time even taking the time to sit down and read, even after I told Ed just a few weeks ago how very much I missed reading! I have only been tanning twice since Drake's accident and that was a HUGE me time, reset, restart, rejuvenate, and I just stopped. Ed and I have snuck off for drinks... are you ready for this.. TWICE since June... twice.  We have been out on the boat a total of 4 times this summer, twice getting caught in rain storms and the 4th on Sunday was also cut short!

Have I mentioned that I am sleeping on the floor (on a mattress) in my office??  So 90% of my time is spent in one room! 95% of Drake's time is spent in one room. We are freaking prisoners in our own house.. well my own house. well Ed's house, you get the point.

Here I am  trying to figure out why I am all of a sudden crashing, why the sadness is creeping back in. How can one NOT BE SAD?? In two months time Drake and I have spent every moment of our lives literally imprisoned. We drug poor Ed along for the ride. It's a wonder we all aren't trying to kill each other. We aren't.. I think we are all just doing the very best we can with a less than ideal situation. I obviously would not change it for anything, he's my boy, I would do it all over again if needed (do not break anything else Drake.. I will not be happy)  but it is a crying shame that it took a week over two months to figure out how damn draining this is on ALL OF US.

Today though.. all I am feeling is RELIEF that this feeling of the morbs is more about the situation and less about my brain losing it in the depression again. I am grateful I took the time to really self evaluate what I was truly feeling and being able to realize that what I was feeling was not that of depression, that there had to be something else, and to keep looking. I am not all that thrilled that my back hurts still but this morning has been a load off of my shoulders! (see what I did there)

Anyhooodles.. that is where I am today.. grateful that my back hurts and that there is light at the end of the tunnel!!! (please don't let it be a train!)

Hope you all are having a wonderful day!

Peace Love and Light

Re

Happy Monday people!

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend! Mine ended on a lovely note. :)  There was paddle boarding, beaching, a few beers, laughs and just good quality time. Saturday on the other hand was the opposite of that completely.  I still can't say this was the reason, or that was the reason, it just was what it was. I was sad or mad or something, either way I was completely out of sorts.

 The one thing that struck me out of all of it, not one.. not two.. but three different people said "I'm worried about you" Me being me.. "Eh.. why do that I am always fine!" which is a complete and utter lie sorta, I am not ALWAYS fine, sometimes I am way off kilter, sorta like now but not really. Clear as mud right?

Am I ok? Yes right this very moment I am ok.
What can you do to help me be more ok? Not a thing, seriously, I am as okest as I am going to be right now.
Are you taking your meds? Yup.. most of the time.. weekends it is hard to remember for some reason but the majority of the time yes I am taking them.
Are you working, cleaning, doing as usual? Yes still holding down the fort, it may not be immaculate but it is not falling down either.  I am still looking for ways to make people smile and help them anyway I can.
Are you working out? Errrhmmmm no
Are you eating ok? Errrrhhhmmmm no
Are you putting yourself first? Errrrhhhmmm no

So what does that mean really? It means I am a little off kilter but the wheels have not completely fallen off the car. Should you worry about me? Not really. What is, is what is. If I am fat until the day I die.. that is my issue. If I drink too much and party a little too hard at times should you worry? No.. not at all. It is what it is. If I eat the same food as you is that a problem? No.. why would it be, you are eating it, I haven't seen you stop, so why you worried about my plate?

As I laid in bed last night I was trying to figure out why people worry like that. Why do I even worry like that? It is ... is the word hypocritical?

Remember, you told me when the kids died that it was their time, nothing I could have done would have changed that. Remember when you told me that my days were numbered before I was born, it was written in the book of life, remember? Remember when I cried when death after death happened, and you said it was just their time? So explain to me why we worry about any of it? I see no real sense in it, nothing I do is going to prolong or shorten that date that was written ... right?

I am not a mean or hateful person, I do my best to help anyone that needs it. I actually go out of my way trying to find ways to help others. I am actually better at lifing when I have something I am doing for someone else. Are some of you going to be a little miffed at my post today, likely, but you know what.. that's ok.

Want to know what my biggest worries are? What you think of me.  I know, I know, you are thinking but Re, you have always been different, without a care of fitting it. No.. not true, I have always been different yes, but when the house is quiet, when there is no one there but me, the thoughts that race through my mind are spinning out of control because one of the things I want more than anything is to fit in..... 50 and I still feel like a grade schooler... do you think they like me?

I saw X today, did I say something stupid, oh I said ABC I wonder if they think I am weird.

I have not heard from W in weeks they must be mad at me, what did I do?

It goes on and on ... stupid things really, because as it was pointed out to me recently, the likelihood that they even thought of me past that initial encounter was slim, but me I play over the meeting, every word, every gesture, every everything... because I know in there I did something wrong.

These are the things I worry about. What did my weirdness do to you?  Why are they sticking around, no one can put up with my kind of crazy right?  You told me how bad I was, I didn't forget that, I still wonder daily if I am a good person now? I know I am fat, I can see that in the mirror, I don't really need you to ask me if I lost the next 5 pounds, why can't you just love me like I am?  Why is my weight something you worry about?

So what is really going on here? I still have no self worth, I don't believe in myself enough to even understand why I have people in my life without questioning each and every thing about why they are there and even when they are, what have I done or said by just being me that is going to make them leave?

So yup I go through periods of extreme questioning, especially when there are no helping projects on the table but my life is still a bit upside down. I don't know for sure that here is where I am supposed to be, or is it there? Some days it appears the path is clear to spend time at home, others it is littered with obstacles. Maybe I am just exhausted and don't feel like I have done enough to even be tired so why am I exhausted?   AND WHY WON'T THIS FLY LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!

Today I just want to know .. why the hell my wiring is so completely fucked up!  

Please excuse the melt down.. you are all free to rejoin your regularly scheduled Monday's. Make it an awesome one and don't worry about me..   I'm not broken.. just a little bent.

Peace Love and Light

Re

GOOD MORNING!

I hope you are having a happy Saturday!

Wondering what is up with the ? and the interesting images? Well let me tell you. I am feeling.. some type of way this morning. I used to hate that saying.. "feeling some type of way" I used to think how stupid it was to say that.. then I started realizing that very often I felt exact that... "some type of way" neither good nor bad, neither happy nor sad, neither rested or exhausted. It was just the ? feeling. I knew and know I feel SOMETHING but what that something is .. I don't know. It's like I could sit here and cry for an hour or I could put on a comedy and laugh for an hour.. either way ok. I could put on my boots and work all day or I could stay in my jammies and knit... either way ok. I could cook an amazing dinner (last nights dinner was disgusting... smoked burgers were a fail)  or I could go out tonight.. either way ok. BUT.. I don't FEEL OK. Something is brewing.. I just don't know what.

So when I found myself frustrated at a simple task this morning, I decided maybe I should write. Because I am feeling "?" that is exactly what I typed into my google search "? Images" thinking I would get some cool question marks.. Nope. I got what you see above as well as dozens of other amazing images. I sat there for a second, sipping my bloody mary, and just gazed at the wonder of it. Then I thought about the wonder of feeling.. something.. but nothing. How does one do that? And when they do.. do they get to chose which side of it all they land on? I hate to say it but I do feel a tingle of sad, that first nerve grating, that paper cut in the armor that I have careful tried to keep in place, even as life was catching me all off guard and out of sorts, I thought I would be able to handle it all. Technically I DID handle it all, all of the crap that life threw at me. Here I am standing in the middle of it all still and it is all beaten down and laying around the room like a bad scene from 1970s Batman. Wriggling in pain and not able to get up. I have beaten back everything.. all of it. Until all that is left standing here again is... Me. But just like in those bad scenes.. I am batman, I have my fist up, swinging from left to right, looking all around, waiting for one of them to get up and come at me. There is no rest, even in the end, because you know it is coming.

I know some of you are thinking.. oh great.. HERE WE GO AGAIN. Maybe.. maybe not... I am not sure. I imagine that Monday will tell the tale. Why Monday? Because all good things start on Mondays. No seriously.. I don't know. Its just me giving myself a couple more days to readjust, which is probably utterly ridiculous, because is that me just allowing myself to fall back a little deeper in the hole? I'm not at the bottom, I am still steps and steps away from where I was, but I am holding on with my finger tips to the edge.

So what is my issue today... I have no plans. I don't know what to do when all the dragons are slain, when life is tired of throwing oranges at me and I am still mounted on my trusty steed (I have never had a trusty steed .. where did that even come from), there are no projects lined up, or things that absolutely need doing, the patients are caring for themselves, and all is quiet. Except my mind. it's pummeled with thoughts of how do I get back to taking care of me? How do I pull the trigger on eating correctly, and running omg I have a half in less than two months. Monday has to be the day... absolutely must.

If not.. then I have truly failed myself... again.

Peace Love and Light

Re

Good Morning my loves!

I just wanted to hop on and let you know that no I am not in fact losing it again... I already lost it. No seriously though... I am ok. I just needed to admit that it is OK TO GRIEVE that just because I grieve the worst imaginable grief does not mean that any other loses are "easier" and that is ok.

I have found myself in the actual funeral home for the first time in 8 years 4 times in the last few weeks.. 4 times. After not setting foot in the building... 4 times. Let me just tell you .. PTSD is real. I don't care who you are... it is REAL. The way that place feels... it is just this overwhelming blanket of sadness.. and that smell. I don't even want to talk about it here the smell is that bad. So what did I do? The first time I lost my mind... but when I walked out I stuffed that crap down so far that the second time I just felt dead to it (pun intended) the third and fourth were no different.. I allowed myself to feel nothing. Anyone who knows me knows that I never feel nothing, I feel all kinds of crap around me, always. That is how hard I was holding up those walls, I was not going to let it bother me. BUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

Do you know how exhausting that is? Not allowing yourself to feel what you need? I don't recommend it.... 1 out of 5 stars for sure. I do it often though. As my sisper pointed out yesterday, we do that.. don't allow ourselves to feel what we need at that moment and then weeks, months, even years later we are absolutely losing our minds over something completely different because we didn't deal with the original pile of dog poo in the room.

Run and hide your crazy and start actin' like a lady
'Cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together
Even when you fall apart

It's how we were raised.. weren't we?

So here I am today, I am ok this morning. Seriously I am just fine, but I also know I have some work to do, what I have done the last few weeks is just not healthy, I can't go around the obstacles in life and expect that they won't affect me, as badly as I just want to be good to go, life is what it is life. And there are two things you can count on .. birth and death.. it's time to start facing both of those things again. It's time..

Do you have things in life that you just think are easier to not face and skirt around them? Does it end up biting you in the rear about the time you think you are by it?

Peace Love and Light

Re

Happy Tuesday Morning to you all.

I want to take a minute and explain my absence, not because I have to explain to anyone, but for myself. What started the "writers block" ... I did. Once again I allowed everything to encroach on my space, my time, and by everything I mean myself. Seriously.. I did this. I stopped setting my alarm and I slept until I woke up (still pretty early for most but not early enough to sit with my thoughts. I went right back into hopping into work before my coffee was even finished brewing. My mind set was I need to get to work so I can get off and take care of (fill in blank).. or cut the grass.. or water the plants.. or fill in the blank with whatever excuse I was providing myself and boy oh boy have there been a lot of excuses.

Those excuses also led right into me not working out, it was always lets do it tomorrow.. it's too damn hot and you have xyz you can do now. Honestly though... it was too damn hot to be out there.. but there is Penny... it was an excuse, it is still an excuse. While we are on the excuses topic... all of this led right into me eating like CRAP! If I was a good mama, I would have been like, this is what I am fixing this is what we are eating, because the boy could stand to lose a pound or two himself, instead he got the mama that doesn't want to rock the boat, sure you want chicken nuggies and fries.. no problem! Milkshakes.. let me get you the stuff. Oh rice or noodles with dinner? Sure!  Granted I can pass the nuggies and milkshakes, but I didn't do so hot with the cake that I brought in for him. Will power 0... zeeeeRO!

Where is all of this coming from, why is this happening?? You were doing soooo good Re! Yesterday in the middle of my melt down I reached out to my sweet friend, no that is a lie I didn't reach out.. I sent her a message that was nothing short of an emotional avalanche and very shortly she sent back .. DO NOT APOLOGIZE.. because I had. We chatted for awhile and we were going back and forth with so many "GIRL SAME!!!!" it was almost like we were talking to ourselves! We both realized that summer was a struggle and likely always would be, it's hard to set a routine there are so many moving parts and it makes sense, we are boat people, we are weekend warriors that bleed into the week, we have friends and family that we spend as much time as possible with. There are cookouts and go outs and all kinds of food around, it is just hard. When I reached out I had zero idea that we were dealing with our own things, but at the end of the conversation neither of us felt alone in our struggles, while I hate that someone else is struggling too I was grateful I reached out.

Fast forward a couple of hours and I received a message from another sweet friend.  She just said (ad libbing a bit) "Hey I know you have been quiet lately. I noticed that it started when your Aunt passed away" I thought about that quiet a bit as the day went on. You have been quiet since your Aunt died... you were quiet when Rachel died... you didn't even cry... you didn't cry when Aunt Ann died.. not like that anyway.. not in a grieving way. You even mentioned how jaded you were to death because it just didn't bother you like that anymore, but doesn't it?

These two women, were a huge part of my life. They were aunts in every aspect of the word. They weren't those people that you saw two or three times in your life, they were women who helped guide and mold me (yes that was a heck of a job I know) they loved me for who I was even if they didn't understand some of me. They never didn't answer when I called, and they were never not there. In the course of a year I lost both of these women. I wrote their final words, I created the video of their memories... and I walked away. There were no goodbyes, there was no grieving, there was nothing... I walked right into taking care of my dad, drake, working insane hours, helping anyone anyway I could, is that a project? How can I help? What can I do for you? The yard needs cutting, Oh let me make this meal that takes 236 hours. Don't write, don't try to write. Your too busy, you don't want to know what is in there, DO NOT WRITE. Don't think, you think the whole time you run.. DO NOT THINK.. DO NOT RUN! Do not slow down... fill every single moment.... every single moment, until you fall into bed at night in exhaustion.. do not dream. Do not dream. Don't do it.. your gonna go crazy if you do. don't. do. it. They were your aunts, you don't deserve to grieve like that, they had children, they grieve, you don't. Fill your hours, drink another beer, you do not deserve to grieve.

Needless to say I have been playing an ugly game with myself. Death.. means nothing if you ignore it. Until it becomes so big that you can't. Until it keeps you from your dreams and goals because you are so busy hiding from it you can't focus on you, because if you look at you... you see it. You see the falling apart, you see the sadness, you see the person that is not strong at all.

I debated about even writing this, sharing this, then I thought maybe I am not alone in this either. Aunt Ann would have read it, there would have been words. Some kindness, some offering of support in the truth even if she didn't like the truth. Or maybe she would have given me a swift kick in the pants and told me to get over it already.. who knows. In the end... I obviously decided to share.

Now where is the next project.. anyone need any help???

Peace Love and Light

Re

Yea yea yea I know it has been a minute. I got lost in the weeds. No seriously.. I got lost .... again. It's ok, I'm ok, I just needed some time. So many things were happening that I have not taken the time for myself as I should but I always get back to me so no worries.

I finally had time to talk to Dr A Amazing this past week, I say talk but truthfully I sobbed the entire time. Why you ask? Because she asked the simple question of "What are you doing to take care of you?" I laughed and then I just cried for the remainder of the hour. So why the hell are you crying Re? Because there is not enough hours in a day that is why.

And this is where things got sideways, we talked about all I do and all I take on, and my favorite lines of "I got it! No worries!" and without a doubt I do! Because this is who I am and this is what I do and this is exactly where I belong, but, ... you knew there was one of those right? But... it doesn't mean that I can't look at those around me and say.. "Hey, I am doing xyz this week and I really need you to abc for me please."  Seems a little counter intuitive doesn't it? Me handing off my chores so I could help someone else... SSCCCREEEEECCCCCHHHHHH and this is where the whole apple cart dumped right out. She said .. "What are YOUR chores?"  I listed off some things and again she stopped me and said, "Those sound like household chores.." Me again.. "Well I suppose but it is my household so...." You see where this is going right? For so long I was Ms Dad and Ms Mom all on my own that when the times shifted and I had a partner in life and the kid was grown I didn't know what to do but keep on doing what I did, which was everything.  I left my appointment with homework .. I had to talk to Drake about helping more (I did .. he is) and I have to not be afraid to ask Ed to do things (he says I already do and he already does.. insert shruggy more on that in a minute). So away I went with my homework.... Sounds easy right? Nope not even.

Thursday evening I ran across this little clip. It was a woman talking about the best thing her therapist had ever told her. It came at the perfect time as I was still reeling in the revelation that I could and should ask for help, even as I was helping others. Her therapist told me... Your 100% is not the same as everyone else's 100%. At first I was like .. wait what??? 100% is 100% .. the glass is full or it isn't. there is no difference.... ahhhh but the size of the glass. I have one of those "fits a whole bottle of wine" glasses, I don't think I ever looked at it that way, but as the message started really resonating, I thought of a conversation I had at work, we were talking about work ethic and a statement was made that it is a proven fact that you only get 80% out of employees, the other 20% of your day is distracted, or goofing off. That floored me. I argued the point and said that is not possible, that when I am on the clock I give 100%, it was responded with... but you are different. When the one and only thing you really want out of life is to find where you belong and be part of something meaningful one of the last things you want to hear is "You are different." Not that I have ever minded BEING different... but I think you get the point. They did go on to say that no one can keep up with you, that you stay in a hyper focused state when you are working that no normal person actually can keep up with. Ed actually says the same thing.. that he just can't keep up with me, which leads back to the me asking him to do things, I don't think I ask that much but again my glass is HUGE so I am probably asking a ton.

So here I am Thursday losing my mind on poor Dr A Amazing and no one did it to me but me. I put those chains on myself, I put that burden on myself. I have to give 135% all of the time and when you stop to consider my 100% is different than "normal" it is no wonder I am a sobbing mess. It's where I belong and who I am though, what I am not is a summation of house hold chores, mundane crap that others can help with. (Thank you Ed for cutting the grass and Drake for helping out) What I am is how I can help others and that is what sustains me, but what I really need is a bit more fine tuning so things specifically for me, cooking correctly, writing, working out, running, paddle boarding are not the LAST things on the list but falling somewhere in the middle.

So here I am Re-setting, Re-starting, Re-focusing, and Re-adjusting so that maybe I save that extra 35% for myself. :)

I'm a little all over the place sorry for that.. just needed to get the words out, the emotion of it all out, and put on my flip flops and messy bun and head out to do all that needs doing.

Peace Love and Light

Re

First off you have to live that long and frankly that isn't for the faint of heart! Seriously though. I turned 50. I am now solidly 50. I didn't feel much different yesterday than I did when I turned 21... slightly hungover.  50 sounds so weird when you had no idea that you would make it that far, but here I am!

Mom gave me this super awesome card yesterday and I am going to share it with you all because it makes for the perfect post for today.

"How to turn 50"

Look back and marvel at how far you've come

(I see that it is taking me extra time to get as far as I once did... I kid I kid. Seriously I do still feel the same as I did at 30 or 40. I can only attribute that to eating right and working out because 6 months ago I felt 162! I get that I am not those ages and certainly some things change but I am feeling great. But how far have I come really? There are days that I am still stumped at life as I was at 15, so I am not sure that I have come very far, but are we supposed to come far or are we supposed to learn to live where we are? Such ponderings from an old woman.)

Act old enough to know better, but young enough not to care

(Dance in the rain! Just because we may know better or thing better doesn't mean it is the better choice. Let loose, love the life you are living and take the time to enjoy it. Ugly cry sometimes, it completely cleanses you. Enjoy the cocktails with your friends because even if you get super silly, they are your friends bet they have seen you super silly before! When you stop and ask if you should do something and the answer is .. ahh I better not... every once in a while say screw it and do it anyway! It keeps us young!)

Make a list of 50 things you are thankful for.

My Ed, I would not even want to think of living another year much less 50 more without him.
Dustin
Deanna
Little Dustin
Drake
My Dad
My Mom
Brother in Law
Seester
Sisper
Other brother,
Brother
Other brother 2.
Sister in Law
That my immediate family looks a little crazier than most
I am thankful that I am sitting here thinking that my extended family is really my immediate family and I am struggling with naming them all but the list would be too long, now that is something to be soooo thankful for.
I knew all of my grandparents and they each taught me things that I carry with me today.
I have the sweetest nephews and nieces in the world... even the fuzzy ones.
I am thankful for my Amanda the bestest friend! I wouldn't be here without her, she filled some of the hardest nights with her heart and i am so grateful for all that she has been and continues to be to me.
My friends are vast and even though mentally I would want a small circle the wide circle is full of such amazing loving people that it feels good to be part of them.
I have my ride or die and bonus kid! Life would not be ok without them.
I had the ability to write and deliver final messages for two of the most amazing women I have ever known.
I am thankful I love the sunset as much as a sunrise
Ohh that I am a great cook!
I am thankful that at 50 my parents are still with me.
I am thankful that even though losing them was so hard that I had Deanna and Little Dustin in my life.
I am thankful that at 20 I loved someone hard enough that losing them tragically would shake my existence and that today I love them still. Thanks for hanging with me all these years Mel Moo.
29 I have a successful albeit stressful career that has provided for myself and my family
I finally learned to grow things!
I am oddly thankful that I name the wild animals, that my heart is so very big that they are not small, they have meaning, I am thankful that I am the one that is weird enough to bury the crow.
I am thankful for coffee!!!!
That at 50 I am still working out and running (even if it is slow)
I am so thankful for my communities both OBX and Mathews while vastly different they are where I belong
I am thankful for my BFF PA is way too far away but I know you are right there!
I am thankful for Jeeps and how youthful they make you feel when you own one.
For my health.
Oh my goodness!!!! For Banx and Kd!!!! I would not be me without them!
39 That my faith allows me to believe, even if it is different than most.
I can still get lost in a good book.
Music!
I am thankful for grief, even if it is the hard terrible kind, it means that you loved the deep wonderful way.
A great therapist!
Dragonflies and pennies... all they represent
Vodka.. I can be thankful for that right?
My words and the power and meaning that they have not only to myself but FOR OTHERS.
47 MY COUSINS! Seriously.. I wasn't going to break that out but have you MET MY FAMILY? You should
48 I have the ability to help people.
49 That I LOVE THIS BIG AND KNOW HOW TO FORGIVE I just may not like you anymore lol
50 That I lived.

Write two notes one to your 20 year old self and one to your 60 year old self.

Hey 20 year old Re,

Hold on to your hat beautiful,  life is getting ready to go off the rails! I wish I could warn you. To explain to you that you are worth so much more than you are allowing right now. I wish I could explain to you that his words weren't true, but if I did that would change things and while it is going to be so hard, when you are sitting here at 50 you will miss it. You will miss the nights of what am I going to feed these kids, simply because it means we are all together. I wish I could tell you that you truly were all that they needed, to stand strong,  but again that would change who they are and they are amazing. I wish I could explain that you were going to lose them way sooner than you knew but then you would hold on too tight and that wouldn't be fair to them. People are going to hurt you, don't let that stop you, you have so much to offer. I am so sorry I didn't love you more, or even believe in you. I wish I could tell you that it is ok to ask for help, that you weren't just broken and couldn't' be fixed, you just needed some help. I am so so sorry, but I will have to say .. you are going to make it. It's just gonna be so hard, but you will be a wonderful person not in spite of.. .but because of.

Me

Hey 60 year old Re

Don't give up. I hope you see that life isn't about what big thing that you can offer, but in all of those small things that you do every day. I hope you have found peace in that.  I hope you are still running .. still taking care of yourself.. you lost yourself for awhile.. I hope you kept searching. You better still be dancing just like no one is watching even though they are! You may want to remind Ed that it has been 20 years now and to marry you already. I hope you find this note tucked inside of your book you finally wrote, I think you will reach millions.. believe in yourself! Hey you.. I love you.. you know that.. and it is still ok to ask for help.

Peace Love and Light
Me

Good lord that was hard.
Anyhoooo here I am at 50 and resetting my intentions to bigger healthy better things. The last few weeks have been a mad house and I just didn't have the time to focus on myself or my own well being, that begins today. So back to the grind, back to the writing, back to my routine, because I have a decade to crush!

Thank you to all that reached out, messages, calls, texts! They were wonderful and meant so much to me.

Peace Love and Light

Re

GOOD MORNING MY LOVES!!!! HAPPY 4TH OF JULY.. a day late.

I feel like I am walking into an office that i have been away from for weeks and clicking the light on with that resounding snap and standing in the familiar that I have been missing. I feel a little like I abandoned you but I also know I abandoned myself and my own routines for a bit.. but I am only one person and having to make choices of what fits in where is hard sometimes.

I do have some updates in case you missed it. Drake had his surgery on Thursday and so far is handling it well. He has pain but did manage to get up yesterday for awhile. He has stood every day but just that hop to move on crutches is painful. He isn't allowed to use his scooter until he gets a different cast in place. In general his attitude is far better than mine. I am proud of him. So very very proud of him. He has a long road ahead of his so whatever you do.. pray.. bless.. vibe... juju.. do it please.

Speaking of Juju... which ever one of you put that hex on me.. you should be fully satisfied. Two people have asked me if I wished ill will on someone and I DID NOT.. I DO NOT.. THAT IS NOT MY THING, but daggone if some lingering thing isn't around.  Or it could be just another test to see how much I can truly withstand before I break again, hence the not so great attitude.

In day to day life Ed likes to use words like, calamity, disaster, awful, for things like, a glass of spilled milk. Drop something on the floor IT'S A DISASTER! Stump your toe IT'S AWFUL. Dog jumps in the creek OMG A CALAMITY. I am forever saying.. it's not that bad stop exaggerating. It is a pet peeve of mine, why is it a pet peeve of mine because when a CALAMITY does happen no one comes running because.. no one believes.

I had my own real life calamity last week, so lets start by defining it.

ca·lam·i·ty
/kəˈlamədē/
Learn to pronounce
noun
noun: calamity; plural noun: calamities
an event causing great and often sudden damage or distress; a disaster.

Cutting my foot open was definitely sudden damage and distressing, the fact it took my dad 30 minutes to get to me because he thought everyone was exaggerating made it even worse, this is why we don't use terms like those Ed!!!! Although I will hand it to him, he had his own semi calamity yesterday, he fell off a step stool because he doesn't want to tell anyone he fell off a ladder. He's fine He's fine. He has a knot on his leg but that is from the pole driver hitting it on the way down not really the fall. Step Stool, Floating dock, 100 lb pole driver what could go wrong??? Such is just a day in the life around here lately.

Oh back to my hex.. in one day these things happened

• Flat tire as I was leaving to take Drake to surgery
• Borrow another vehicle
  
• Forget handicap sign and my coffee
  
• Bridge was open
  
• No one was around to assist Drake and I get in hospital (remember my foot)
  
• I didn't get to tell him good luck or I loved him before surgery because the nurse or the receptionist lied, we don't know which
  
• They sent Drake home so drugged from the surgery that he was calling me darlin'
  
• It DOWN POURED as I was trying to get him loaded into the truck
  
• It rained so hard all I could see was a wall of white
  
• A tree branch crashed down on the windshield in front of my face (didn't break the window but scared me to death)
  
• The low tire pressure light came on in the 2nd borrowed vehicle
  
• I refused to stop to get Nuggies for Drake (that was a tragedy)
  
• There was a medication communication mix up
  
• and for the final act of the day... drum roll please....
  
• My oldest ran over the neighbor's dog's paw (are you supposed to you double possessive like that?)
  

I don't know who you are or why you are so angry with me, but will you please let it go? Now is not the time and frankly I have done nothing but love on people soooooo what you so mad about tell me?

In truth, it is likely the universe just testing me to see if I will break again, it's probably having a hard time breaking through the walls of medication that I now take, which is a great thing, because short of full blown tears three times, a crappy attitude more times that I want to think about, I think I am holding it all together rather well. Everyone is fed and semi healthy, I have hosted two dinner parties (one was pizza does that count) I have cooked for a large cook out with my friends, the household chores are done and caught up, I walked a 5 k.. yes walked but I wanted to run sooooo bad. I literally have not slowed down one iota since cutting my foot, I have not had time, but I also have not had time to write in the chaos of it all. I have had to adjust my work schedule so that I get off really early so I can take care of all of the other needs around here and that cut right into when I write. I know I said I would try at the end of the day but I am so tired by then that it would be more gibberish than it is now!

Ed and I are on semistaycation right now. In that he is definitely on vacation and I am going to work some because why not, we aren't going anywhere and I get up so early that by the time I work 4 hours he is ready to start the day. I will save my time for another time when we can go somewhere, but I do hope to get the stitches out of my foot in the next day or so and enjoy time on the water and with my love, we so need some DOWN TIME.

Speaking of downtime.. I am out of here.
Hope everyone has a safe and enjoyable day!

Love Light and Peace

Re