I wish I could explain this to anyone.. I can't, not well enough to for someone who doesn't feel it to understand it.

I keep saying it is loud. Because it is loud. It is loud in my head, that weird too many noises loud that you can't focus on the conversation someone is trying to have with you. Sitting in an overcrowded bar with no baffling and having someone try to explain quantum physics to you for a test you have to take loud.  And when I lay down at night it is quips and phrases that flash through the loudness and stirs the whole thing and you just can't grasp on to the one thing you should be thinking about, so your eyes may close but the colors continue to flash with the brightness of summer lightening.  Until finally I pass out from the insane amount of crap I have to take to make it slow down, with the last thought being please let it be quiet tomorrow. It hasn't been yet.

So I do the one thing I know how to do .. as my daddy calls it "I click". I sit in front of my computer and work because I can make that make sense because half of it makes no sense at all and that is ok.  The only thing that makes noise is my incredibly loud keyboard and it is almost a rhythm that puts my mind at some ease.

I don't want to be around people, it is way too peoply and it is just so damn loud and frankly uncomfortable. So right now I just need time to get the shitstorm to quiet down I am sure it will when it is ready, it always does but for right now I just need the understanding that when I am ready I will, because I always do.

What I need people to truly understand is when this happens, while I would at any other time tell you that the people who love me aren't judging me.. that is what my brain is currently screaming. Hell at times it is telling me you are judging me on things that people don't even know about!!! Like how would you know I put on yesterday's socks.. no way in hell you would.. but if I saw you in the store my grey matter would be saying.. "The know.. they can smell your old socks.. you are disgusting.. they know you are disgusting... RUN!"  FYI I put on clean socks this morning but I think you get the point. So it is just easier to not.

And do not get me started on eye contact... immediately find a different focus because if you don't.. they will see how ugly it is in here and hate me....

Yea it's that crazy in here.

Send Peace.

I honestly don't know which is which or if at this point it even matters.

I feel like complete hell. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.

I have once again done everything wrong. Year after year I say this is the year that it will all be ok! I will sail right on through, I will eat right, I will sleep right, I will work out, I will keep up with the house, I will continue my projects... and again here I sit ashamed and embarrassed that I have yet again failed at all things.

There is a possibility that I may have been on an 8 month manic episode. Yesterday when I was feeling so incredibly down I decided to write and I noticed that it had been exactly 8 months since I had written on my blog, then I scoured Facebook and again.. not a word of meaning or purpose. I have not written a thing since May 20th which just so happens to be the day that my dad fell off the roof. What I did notice is that I have not slowed down since that day and frankly since September I have been on a major spree. Everything had to be perfect. It started with my diet, my work out, my Halloween custom, Thanksgiving, Christmas and decorations, you name it .. it had to be just right and as things started failing because they always do it cost me plenty.. time, money, and apparently as I write this a good chunk of sanity.

So what does that mean, it means that all of the energy levels are all used up. Like a gas tank you just never refill and you ride on until the engine just stops. It means that cleaning the house is too much, it means that taking a shower is too much, it means that sleep at a normal time is too much, it means that getting up is too much, that sleeping is too much, that people are too much, it means that being away from my dad is too much, that it is all just too fucking much!

And facing it... the people... my friends.. my team.. my family ..when  everyone thought I was doing so good.... all I see is I am a fake, a fraud, a failure.

The two things I have been able to maintain and consistently succeed at over the last 4 weeks is eating and drinking every emotion and throw in a side dish of self loathing and you end up with this perfect storm.

I know sometimes when I write I all of a sudden come up with an answer, or see a light in it.. today there is nothing. Just dismay that I allowed this to happen again and the never ending question of why am I so damn weak?

It is not lost on me that my last update to this page was exactly 8 months ago today. It's not because I don't have words I have words I have lots of words. I actually probably need to back track to Facebook and post words that I have already written here. I oddly enough titled this Ghost before writing even the first word, maybe it is I that is the the ghost.  I sort of feel like it, that ghostly lost feeling of not knowing exactly where you are or what has happened or where you belong. I imagine that is how most feel moments after death in sudden journey goings. I imagine that those lingering waiting on their outbound train feel these things in the hours leading up to their departure. Me... I just randomly feel them because what is my life if not abnormal.

I chose Ghost because my first line was going to be "See that wagon? I fell off of it and it ran over me with all of its ghost in aboard." Now I don't even know if that is the truth, maybe I am the one driving the damn thing. So many good intentions and plans all laid out leading up to the holidays and what did I do but go....

What is it they say about the best laid plans and mice and men?

So here I am. Knowing I have to get my life back on track, my house back in order, my food back to normal, my projects back to working and I can't even muster the energy to shower. PS if you saw me in the food kitty today can we pretend you didn't? I am so far behind on things, I have two knitting projects .. ok maybe ten going that need finishing, I have yarn for a sweater that is sitting in the same place it was when I bought it. I pick up the yarn and just drop it back in the bag. I have an amazing book that I am reading about a killer ass (I had to.. it's a donkey named Sherman he is a bad ass) but I won't pick it up because my brain is such a fog that I know I won't really remember it.  I have about a dozen paintings in my head that I want to paint. One would think with all this do nothing time I would be caught up on lots of TV.. ha nope.  Everything it at a stand still.

I have zero drive.

I am sure I will unfunk myself sooner or later, until then I think I will hang with my ghosts, they don't know what is happening either.