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Celebrity Death

1/31/2020

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Gonna talk a few minutes about celebrity death. Kobe died and a nation responded. Kurt Cobain died and a generation responded. Princess Dianna died and most of the planet responded. and you know what... THAT IS OK! In no way did Kobe's death over shadow those that were with him. Kurt's death didnt over shadow any other victim of suicide. Diana's death did not over shadow Dodi....
How can I say this... because those that mourned them regardless it was a nation, generation, or world we mourned because we felt connected to those people. This in no way should be considered over shadowing. Ever.
The truth is THE FAMILY AND FRIENDS of those that have died feel the pain! The horrible pain! I am so tired of hearing well this person should have been remembered or that one.... THEY ARE by the peoples lives they touched.
Yes I am in a mood but if I see one more comment post or anything else I very well may explode.
It's crazy to expect that someone who is not in the public eye would get the notoriety when they died that they didnt have in live. Please people. Get a new hobby cause I am kinda over this.
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Kobe and Gigi

1/26/2020

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My heart is broken for Vanessa Byrant and as well as the parent of the other child who did not make it on todays crash. However. I envision Kobe holding the hand of his Gigi as they make their way on their next journey together and that in of it self is beautiful. His beautiful daughter was not alone....
I have said it more than once. I died the day my child did.... while his passing is tragic he was also provided the gift of not having to live after his child died.
Vanessa .... my entire heart goes out to her and the other surviving parent.
Stay classy people, he may have been an icon.... but he was human and humans have people they leave behind.
Pic is not perfect to what I saw in my mind but it is darn close....
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It is so loud in here....

1/22/2020

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I wish I could explain this to anyone.. I can't, not well enough to for someone who doesn't feel it to understand it.

I keep saying it is loud. Because it is loud. It is loud in my head, that weird too many noises loud that you can't focus on the conversation someone is trying to have with you. Sitting in an overcrowded bar with no baffling and having someone try to explain quantum physics to you for a test you have to take loud.  And when I lay down at night it is quips and phrases that flash through the loudness and stirs the whole thing and you just can't grasp on to the one thing you should be thinking about, so your eyes may close but the colors continue to flash with the brightness of summer lightening.  Until finally I pass out from the insane amount of crap I have to take to make it slow down, with the last thought being please let it be quiet tomorrow. It hasn't been yet.

So I do the one thing I know how to do .. as my daddy calls it "I click". I sit in front of my computer and work because I can make that make sense because half of it makes no sense at all and that is ok.  The only thing that makes noise is my incredibly loud keyboard and it is almost a rhythm that puts my mind at some ease.

I don't want to be around people, it is way too peoply and it is just so damn loud and frankly uncomfortable. So right now I just need time to get the shitstorm to quiet down I am sure it will when it is ready, it always does but for right now I just need the understanding that when I am ready I will, because I always do.

What I need people to truly understand is when this happens, while I would at any other time tell you that the people who love me aren't judging me.. that is what my brain is currently screaming. Hell at times it is telling me you are judging me on things that people don't even know about!!! Like how would you know I put on yesterday's socks.. no way in hell you would.. but if I saw you in the store my grey matter would be saying.. "The know.. they can smell your old socks.. you are disgusting.. they know you are disgusting... RUN!"  FYI I put on clean socks this morning but I think you get the point. So it is just easier to not.

And do not get me started on eye contact... immediately find a different focus because if you don't.. they will see how ugly it is in here and hate me....

Yea it's that crazy in here.

Send Peace.
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Ashamed and Embarrassed ... or is it OR

1/21/2020

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I honestly don't know which is which or if at this point it even matters.

I feel like complete hell. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.

I have once again done everything wrong. Year after year I say this is the year that it will all be ok! I will sail right on through, I will eat right, I will sleep right, I will work out, I will keep up with the house, I will continue my projects... and again here I sit ashamed and embarrassed that I have yet again failed at all things.

There is a possibility that I may have been on an 8 month manic episode. Yesterday when I was feeling so incredibly down I decided to write and I noticed that it had been exactly 8 months since I had written on my blog, then I scoured Facebook and again.. not a word of meaning or purpose. I have not written a thing since May 20th which just so happens to be the day that my dad fell off the roof. What I did notice is that I have not slowed down since that day and frankly since September I have been on a major spree. Everything had to be perfect. It started with my diet, my work out, my Halloween custom, Thanksgiving, Christmas and decorations, you name it .. it had to be just right and as things started failing because they always do it cost me plenty.. time, money, and apparently as I write this a good chunk of sanity.

So what does that mean, it means that all of the energy levels are all used up. Like a gas tank you just never refill and you ride on until the engine just stops. It means that cleaning the house is too much, it means that taking a shower is too much, it means that sleep at a normal time is too much, it means that getting up is too much, that sleeping is too much, that people are too much, it means that being away from my dad is too much, that it is all just too fucking much!

And facing it... the people... my friends.. my team.. my family ..when  everyone thought I was doing so good.... all I see is I am a fake, a fraud, a failure.

The two things I have been able to maintain and consistently succeed at over the last 4 weeks is eating and drinking every emotion and throw in a side dish of self loathing and you end up with this perfect storm.

I know sometimes when I write I all of a sudden come up with an answer, or see a light in it.. today there is nothing. Just dismay that I allowed this to happen again and the never ending question of why am I so damn weak?


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Ghost

1/20/2020

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It is not lost on me that my last update to this page was exactly 8 months ago today. It's not because I don't have words I have words I have lots of words. I actually probably need to back track to Facebook and post words that I have already written here. I oddly enough titled this Ghost before writing even the first word, maybe it is I that is the the ghost.  I sort of feel like it, that ghostly lost feeling of not knowing exactly where you are or what has happened or where you belong. I imagine that is how most feel moments after death in sudden journey goings. I imagine that those lingering waiting on their outbound train feel these things in the hours leading up to their departure. Me... I just randomly feel them because what is my life if not abnormal.

I chose Ghost because my first line was going to be "See that wagon? I fell off of it and it ran over me with all of its ghost in aboard." Now I don't even know if that is the truth, maybe I am the one driving the damn thing. So many good intentions and plans all laid out leading up to the holidays and what did I do but go....

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What is it they say about the best laid plans and mice and men?

So here I am. Knowing I have to get my life back on track, my house back in order, my food back to normal, my projects back to working and I can't even muster the energy to shower. PS if you saw me in the food kitty today can we pretend you didn't? I am so far behind on things, I have two knitting projects .. ok maybe ten going that need finishing, I have yarn for a sweater that is sitting in the same place it was when I bought it. I pick up the yarn and just drop it back in the bag. I have an amazing book that I am reading about a killer ass (I had to.. it's a donkey named Sherman he is a bad ass) but I won't pick it up because my brain is such a fog that I know I won't really remember it.  I have about a dozen paintings in my head that I want to paint. One would think with all this do nothing time I would be caught up on lots of TV.. ha nope.  Everything it at a stand still.

I have zero drive.

I am sure I will unfunk myself sooner or later, until then I think I will hang with my ghosts, they don't know what is happening either.
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Exhausted

1/12/2020

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I need to write but this is from the past and ringing so true. Yesterday really did a number on my already faltering emotions.
It's a wave.. a tidal wave.. but still a wave.
I "stole" this image right off of someones wall.. I have a habit of "stealing" from said person. Her Kitchen Aide mixer is currently residing in my pantry, her eye ball ring on my window sill, her shoes are not in my closet but that is only because I have not been able to find them, so I am pretty sure she won't be all to surprised to see this being recycled on my blog. Anyhoo.. there it is.. and they were just too perfect not to use.
It is important to point out that I do know I post about my emotions and feelings and where I am in life at the moment a lot. Hell I post a lot period but there are very good reasons I post about where I am in life. It's not for attention as some have stated.. well maybe it is but not self fulfilling attention. It is to bring attention and awareness to a problem. A problem I have, a problem others have, a problem that you .. you reading this may have. I just have this ability to write about it, so that is what I do.
Some times like yesterday it was a cry for help. Some days it is just because I need to get the words out of my head. Some days it isn't even about me and more about something I have witnessed in someone else. There are some important things to understand in all of this, I will try to discuss them now.
First and foremost, I do know I am playing a dangerous game with my own life. It is not for everyone, I don't suggest or even being to imagine that anyone should try to do it. No, that does not mean I think I am better than others, or have more fight in me, in all honestly it may mean I am flat out stupid, but it is where I am right now. I have medical diagnoses for what is wrong with me, it is more acronyms than I care to go into and if you really want to know I don't mind telling you but it is irrelevant to this discussion. They want me medicated, the same they that didn't want to give me an antibiotic when I felt like I was dying, actually want me to take more pills in a days time that there are days in the week. Nope, no thank you. This problem I have is like the words above say... a wave.. it is a disgusting ugly nasty black tidal wave.. but a wave. It isn't an endless pit, a black hole into nothingness, an ocean of misery, it's a wave. The darkness will subside and the sun will shine again, the problem is if I was medicated not only does the darkness stay away so does the light and you end up living in a gray area that doesn't matter at all. I don't want that to be my life. I deserve more than gray.
Second thing I know, the light is an amazing place to live, but sometimes I burn just a little too brightly and the light gets me in trouble too. I might take risks that others wouldn't dream of, I might spend more money than I have, or I may create an amazing piece of art and throw it away because one thing wasn't right. So far I have managed to control that to a degree and I continue to try.
Next up.. my weight. I work out a lot. I know most of you think why doesn't she weigh 0 by now. Well because of a couple of things. Food and Wine never fail you, they never leave you and they never die. They make very good friends, I didn't say that they don't hurt you, but it is very easy to turn to them. That is why. I know I need to try harder to eat right and drink less. I will get there, just not today I am sure.
I smile. I laugh. I have a good time. I enjoy my friends and family. I walk my Banx. I snuggle with Ilona's doggies. I take pictures. I post funny stuff. I work out. I show up. I do many things that don't look like depression, I think this confuses people into thinking I am ok. Just because I look ok on the outside, does not mean I am not drowning on the inside.
I am exhausted. Physically and Mentally. Yes I do sleep but it is not sleep I need. I need peace.
I am in pain. Physically and Mentally. I don't know which is causing which anymore.
The most important thing you need to know, goes back to the first thing. I know how dangerous this is. I know I am standing on the edge of a cliff watching the wave come barreling at me. I know all it would take was for me to falter just once and it would take me out to sea. For right now I am hanging on, I know there is sunshine right on the other side, but, if ever it takes me, don't be sad, I have been ready to go for a long time.
Love and Peace,
Re
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I am sad

1/4/2020

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I wrote this 2 years ago today....
Its true now ...
And yes I am sad...
I have been struggling for a few days with just a hurt and sadness that I can not quite put my finger on. I am trying to fight it all... I am just tired. I don't know what it is I am fighting for anymore.
I struggle to lose this weight and I am getting no where... the scale hates me and I am still fat. Not to mention my body is in pain constantly.
I struggle to maintain friendships and relationships but feel misunderstood and like I dont fully belong anywhere anymore.
I struggle to concentrate at work and most of the time put on 137% but only get acknowledged if I mess up.
I was cruising along doing ok and now I am not... I feel like somehow after working so hard to get here I am failing. And how do you say... Hey... I am not ok... when everyone thinks you are doing great.
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