KIDDING KIDDING!!! NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THAT!

Even I don't want to see that lol.

GOOD MORNING! Sorry for the lateness, but here I am. Days just aren't as "routine" as they were a few months ago.. BUT I HAVE NEWS!!!! We have a good and solid plan for Drake to return home in just a few short days! That means my own routine will be back to errrhmm "normal"? And I can focus on me a bit more.

I know I will be happy to get my house here back in order and happier still to spend some time in my house there! I have missed my people and beds so! Having said all of that, it will be yet another adjustment. As much as I need my Re time.. having Drake here with me has been a treat as well. I am sure I will go through another period of missing my boy, he is a cool cat to be around. Both of my boys are... man I am one lucky mama!

I have spent just a few short minutes every day this week on myself, I have made those 15 20 minute burst a priority in my day and I am already feeling better for it. (even if I still wake up stiff and sore lol) My concern and worry now is the half at the end of October. I don't know if I will be ready! It is just so damn hot that I can't even stand to walk outside and even inside riding makes me nauseated. I should not have stopped .. I would still be able to perform in this heat but alas... once again I screwed up.  It DOES look like next week we will have cooler nights so maybe so early morning running will be a hit! (Re set your damn alarm)

Complete 180 on topics here..

Last night I received the photo above from a dear dear friend. It is 1000% ACCURATE. My grief is never ending, as most people's. I have said it over and over and over.. IT IS OK TO GRIEVE! It is so ok to be not ok! It is ok to be not ok over your dog that passed away when you were 7 36 years later. NO ONE SHOULD EVER EVER judge your grief or feelings. If they do.. send them my way I would like to have a conversation with them. So your parent had been fighting an illness for years, that does NOT make their death any less of a loss on someone than my child dying instantly. You deserve your time to grieve and move forward as you need. Even if that means moving 2 steps forward and 3 back sometimes.  I am so very very grateful that I have friends in my life that understand my crazy as it is, and don't judge me when I am not ok.

So if you happen to be going through something today, go through it, work through it, in your own way. It is a ok to not be ok. Know that you should not be judged for how you feel, and as always... I am here for you, even if I am a bit nuts in my own grief.

Peace Love and Light

Re

GOOD MORNING LOVES!!!

I do not think anyone has ever been so happy to have an aching back before in their life, but here I am, sore and happy!

 As you can imagine for the past few weeks, it has definitely been weeks, I have been off. Just off. I couldn't put my finger on it, I could not put into words what I was feeling and why.  I just knew I felt bad and everything was eating at me.  I questioned if it was this.. I thought it was that.. and then it would just keep right on eating at me.

 Ed asked me the other day when it all got really bad, "Are you mad at yourself or are you mad at the world?" My only response was "I don't know.. both maybe?"   I am mad at myself for not continuing on with my journey as I was, I need to do better with that, and I will.    I am sitting down tonight and making a grocery list and will head to Gloucester to get the things I need tomorrow and be back in time for the Wharf Work out with Hope!  I will strap my ugly shoes on and ride Penny again today, I am starting out slow again, but I PLAN on riding every day this week for a minimum of 20 minutes. I am going to add my weights back in and as soon as the weather drops below 80 I will get on with my training for the half. I have a plan and it will be a ok.

So Re why the sudden turn around, yesterday seemed really bad, Sunday was super bad? I woke up this morning and before I got out of bed I took inventory. Keep in mind this was almost at 6 am. You guys know I am usually awake by 430 these days right? Nope.. later and later and later I have been sleeping, to the point that this weekend I didn't get out of bed until 8 one morning AND we had not even stayed up super late. As I laid there I thought to myself.. why are you sleeping so late... and why the hell is your back hurting.. AGAIN! Wait.. what? Your back... when was the last time you woke up and it wasn't hurting? When was the last time that you didn't wake up multiple times in the night trying to get comfortable because your back is hurting.... Remember yesterday when you said you feel exhausted but you also feel like you have not done anything to be tired much less exhausted?  Well how exhausted would you be if you can't recall the last good nights sleep you got???

You are not going nuts Re... you are not sleeping! It's why you can't say what is wrong, why you can't put your finger on why you are so down. You aren't down.. you are tired.  This is why you have not felt like it.. it being all the things you love. I imagine that this has been going on since June 13th.. so a bit over two months now and it fits! The time line fits!

So what do we do about that now? Simple.. nothing. I don't have much of a choice in sleeping arrangements until I can get Drake home and that is likely going to be a few more weeks. I get that this is not exactly ideal but at least I have some answers as to why I am feeling all out of sorts.

It was also brought to my attention that I require down time, alone time and that I always have. I thought about this last night for awhile and realized that since June I have not been alone... AT ALL! (trips to the grocery store do not count) It was a very true statement. It is something I require, I require that time to engage with myself to focus on me, if there is someone else around.. nope not going to happen. I have a hard time even taking the time to sit down and read, even after I told Ed just a few weeks ago how very much I missed reading! I have only been tanning twice since Drake's accident and that was a HUGE me time, reset, restart, rejuvenate, and I just stopped. Ed and I have snuck off for drinks... are you ready for this.. TWICE since June... twice.  We have been out on the boat a total of 4 times this summer, twice getting caught in rain storms and the 4th on Sunday was also cut short!

Have I mentioned that I am sleeping on the floor (on a mattress) in my office??  So 90% of my time is spent in one room! 95% of Drake's time is spent in one room. We are freaking prisoners in our own house.. well my own house. well Ed's house, you get the point.

Here I am  trying to figure out why I am all of a sudden crashing, why the sadness is creeping back in. How can one NOT BE SAD?? In two months time Drake and I have spent every moment of our lives literally imprisoned. We drug poor Ed along for the ride. It's a wonder we all aren't trying to kill each other. We aren't.. I think we are all just doing the very best we can with a less than ideal situation. I obviously would not change it for anything, he's my boy, I would do it all over again if needed (do not break anything else Drake.. I will not be happy)  but it is a crying shame that it took a week over two months to figure out how damn draining this is on ALL OF US.

Today though.. all I am feeling is RELIEF that this feeling of the morbs is more about the situation and less about my brain losing it in the depression again. I am grateful I took the time to really self evaluate what I was truly feeling and being able to realize that what I was feeling was not that of depression, that there had to be something else, and to keep looking. I am not all that thrilled that my back hurts still but this morning has been a load off of my shoulders! (see what I did there)

Anyhooodles.. that is where I am today.. grateful that my back hurts and that there is light at the end of the tunnel!!! (please don't let it be a train!)

Hope you all are having a wonderful day!

Peace Love and Light

Re

Happy Monday people!

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend! Mine ended on a lovely note. :)  There was paddle boarding, beaching, a few beers, laughs and just good quality time. Saturday on the other hand was the opposite of that completely.  I still can't say this was the reason, or that was the reason, it just was what it was. I was sad or mad or something, either way I was completely out of sorts.

 The one thing that struck me out of all of it, not one.. not two.. but three different people said "I'm worried about you" Me being me.. "Eh.. why do that I am always fine!" which is a complete and utter lie sorta, I am not ALWAYS fine, sometimes I am way off kilter, sorta like now but not really. Clear as mud right?

Am I ok? Yes right this very moment I am ok.
What can you do to help me be more ok? Not a thing, seriously, I am as okest as I am going to be right now.
Are you taking your meds? Yup.. most of the time.. weekends it is hard to remember for some reason but the majority of the time yes I am taking them.
Are you working, cleaning, doing as usual? Yes still holding down the fort, it may not be immaculate but it is not falling down either.  I am still looking for ways to make people smile and help them anyway I can.
Are you working out? Errrhmmmm no
Are you eating ok? Errrrhhhmmmm no
Are you putting yourself first? Errrrhhhmmm no

So what does that mean really? It means I am a little off kilter but the wheels have not completely fallen off the car. Should you worry about me? Not really. What is, is what is. If I am fat until the day I die.. that is my issue. If I drink too much and party a little too hard at times should you worry? No.. not at all. It is what it is. If I eat the same food as you is that a problem? No.. why would it be, you are eating it, I haven't seen you stop, so why you worried about my plate?

As I laid in bed last night I was trying to figure out why people worry like that. Why do I even worry like that? It is ... is the word hypocritical?

Remember, you told me when the kids died that it was their time, nothing I could have done would have changed that. Remember when you told me that my days were numbered before I was born, it was written in the book of life, remember? Remember when I cried when death after death happened, and you said it was just their time? So explain to me why we worry about any of it? I see no real sense in it, nothing I do is going to prolong or shorten that date that was written ... right?

I am not a mean or hateful person, I do my best to help anyone that needs it. I actually go out of my way trying to find ways to help others. I am actually better at lifing when I have something I am doing for someone else. Are some of you going to be a little miffed at my post today, likely, but you know what.. that's ok.

Want to know what my biggest worries are? What you think of me.  I know, I know, you are thinking but Re, you have always been different, without a care of fitting it. No.. not true, I have always been different yes, but when the house is quiet, when there is no one there but me, the thoughts that race through my mind are spinning out of control because one of the things I want more than anything is to fit in..... 50 and I still feel like a grade schooler... do you think they like me?

I saw X today, did I say something stupid, oh I said ABC I wonder if they think I am weird.

I have not heard from W in weeks they must be mad at me, what did I do?

It goes on and on ... stupid things really, because as it was pointed out to me recently, the likelihood that they even thought of me past that initial encounter was slim, but me I play over the meeting, every word, every gesture, every everything... because I know in there I did something wrong.

These are the things I worry about. What did my weirdness do to you?  Why are they sticking around, no one can put up with my kind of crazy right?  You told me how bad I was, I didn't forget that, I still wonder daily if I am a good person now? I know I am fat, I can see that in the mirror, I don't really need you to ask me if I lost the next 5 pounds, why can't you just love me like I am?  Why is my weight something you worry about?

So what is really going on here? I still have no self worth, I don't believe in myself enough to even understand why I have people in my life without questioning each and every thing about why they are there and even when they are, what have I done or said by just being me that is going to make them leave?

So yup I go through periods of extreme questioning, especially when there are no helping projects on the table but my life is still a bit upside down. I don't know for sure that here is where I am supposed to be, or is it there? Some days it appears the path is clear to spend time at home, others it is littered with obstacles. Maybe I am just exhausted and don't feel like I have done enough to even be tired so why am I exhausted?   AND WHY WON'T THIS FLY LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!

Today I just want to know .. why the hell my wiring is so completely fucked up!  

Please excuse the melt down.. you are all free to rejoin your regularly scheduled Monday's. Make it an awesome one and don't worry about me..   I'm not broken.. just a little bent.

Peace Love and Light

Re

GOOD MORNING!

I hope you are having a happy Saturday!

Wondering what is up with the ? and the interesting images? Well let me tell you. I am feeling.. some type of way this morning. I used to hate that saying.. "feeling some type of way" I used to think how stupid it was to say that.. then I started realizing that very often I felt exact that... "some type of way" neither good nor bad, neither happy nor sad, neither rested or exhausted. It was just the ? feeling. I knew and know I feel SOMETHING but what that something is .. I don't know. It's like I could sit here and cry for an hour or I could put on a comedy and laugh for an hour.. either way ok. I could put on my boots and work all day or I could stay in my jammies and knit... either way ok. I could cook an amazing dinner (last nights dinner was disgusting... smoked burgers were a fail)  or I could go out tonight.. either way ok. BUT.. I don't FEEL OK. Something is brewing.. I just don't know what.

So when I found myself frustrated at a simple task this morning, I decided maybe I should write. Because I am feeling "?" that is exactly what I typed into my google search "? Images" thinking I would get some cool question marks.. Nope. I got what you see above as well as dozens of other amazing images. I sat there for a second, sipping my bloody mary, and just gazed at the wonder of it. Then I thought about the wonder of feeling.. something.. but nothing. How does one do that? And when they do.. do they get to chose which side of it all they land on? I hate to say it but I do feel a tingle of sad, that first nerve grating, that paper cut in the armor that I have careful tried to keep in place, even as life was catching me all off guard and out of sorts, I thought I would be able to handle it all. Technically I DID handle it all, all of the crap that life threw at me. Here I am standing in the middle of it all still and it is all beaten down and laying around the room like a bad scene from 1970s Batman. Wriggling in pain and not able to get up. I have beaten back everything.. all of it. Until all that is left standing here again is... Me. But just like in those bad scenes.. I am batman, I have my fist up, swinging from left to right, looking all around, waiting for one of them to get up and come at me. There is no rest, even in the end, because you know it is coming.

I know some of you are thinking.. oh great.. HERE WE GO AGAIN. Maybe.. maybe not... I am not sure. I imagine that Monday will tell the tale. Why Monday? Because all good things start on Mondays. No seriously.. I don't know. Its just me giving myself a couple more days to readjust, which is probably utterly ridiculous, because is that me just allowing myself to fall back a little deeper in the hole? I'm not at the bottom, I am still steps and steps away from where I was, but I am holding on with my finger tips to the edge.

So what is my issue today... I have no plans. I don't know what to do when all the dragons are slain, when life is tired of throwing oranges at me and I am still mounted on my trusty steed (I have never had a trusty steed .. where did that even come from), there are no projects lined up, or things that absolutely need doing, the patients are caring for themselves, and all is quiet. Except my mind. it's pummeled with thoughts of how do I get back to taking care of me? How do I pull the trigger on eating correctly, and running omg I have a half in less than two months. Monday has to be the day... absolutely must.

If not.. then I have truly failed myself... again.

Peace Love and Light

Re

Good Morning my loves!

I just wanted to hop on and let you know that no I am not in fact losing it again... I already lost it. No seriously though... I am ok. I just needed to admit that it is OK TO GRIEVE that just because I grieve the worst imaginable grief does not mean that any other loses are "easier" and that is ok.

I have found myself in the actual funeral home for the first time in 8 years 4 times in the last few weeks.. 4 times. After not setting foot in the building... 4 times. Let me just tell you .. PTSD is real. I don't care who you are... it is REAL. The way that place feels... it is just this overwhelming blanket of sadness.. and that smell. I don't even want to talk about it here the smell is that bad. So what did I do? The first time I lost my mind... but when I walked out I stuffed that crap down so far that the second time I just felt dead to it (pun intended) the third and fourth were no different.. I allowed myself to feel nothing. Anyone who knows me knows that I never feel nothing, I feel all kinds of crap around me, always. That is how hard I was holding up those walls, I was not going to let it bother me. BUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

Do you know how exhausting that is? Not allowing yourself to feel what you need? I don't recommend it.... 1 out of 5 stars for sure. I do it often though. As my sisper pointed out yesterday, we do that.. don't allow ourselves to feel what we need at that moment and then weeks, months, even years later we are absolutely losing our minds over something completely different because we didn't deal with the original pile of dog poo in the room.

Run and hide your crazy and start actin' like a lady
'Cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together
Even when you fall apart

It's how we were raised.. weren't we?

So here I am today, I am ok this morning. Seriously I am just fine, but I also know I have some work to do, what I have done the last few weeks is just not healthy, I can't go around the obstacles in life and expect that they won't affect me, as badly as I just want to be good to go, life is what it is life. And there are two things you can count on .. birth and death.. it's time to start facing both of those things again. It's time..

Do you have things in life that you just think are easier to not face and skirt around them? Does it end up biting you in the rear about the time you think you are by it?

Peace Love and Light

Re

Happy Tuesday Morning to you all.

I want to take a minute and explain my absence, not because I have to explain to anyone, but for myself. What started the "writers block" ... I did. Once again I allowed everything to encroach on my space, my time, and by everything I mean myself. Seriously.. I did this. I stopped setting my alarm and I slept until I woke up (still pretty early for most but not early enough to sit with my thoughts. I went right back into hopping into work before my coffee was even finished brewing. My mind set was I need to get to work so I can get off and take care of (fill in blank).. or cut the grass.. or water the plants.. or fill in the blank with whatever excuse I was providing myself and boy oh boy have there been a lot of excuses.

Those excuses also led right into me not working out, it was always lets do it tomorrow.. it's too damn hot and you have xyz you can do now. Honestly though... it was too damn hot to be out there.. but there is Penny... it was an excuse, it is still an excuse. While we are on the excuses topic... all of this led right into me eating like CRAP! If I was a good mama, I would have been like, this is what I am fixing this is what we are eating, because the boy could stand to lose a pound or two himself, instead he got the mama that doesn't want to rock the boat, sure you want chicken nuggies and fries.. no problem! Milkshakes.. let me get you the stuff. Oh rice or noodles with dinner? Sure!  Granted I can pass the nuggies and milkshakes, but I didn't do so hot with the cake that I brought in for him. Will power 0... zeeeeRO!

Where is all of this coming from, why is this happening?? You were doing soooo good Re! Yesterday in the middle of my melt down I reached out to my sweet friend, no that is a lie I didn't reach out.. I sent her a message that was nothing short of an emotional avalanche and very shortly she sent back .. DO NOT APOLOGIZE.. because I had. We chatted for awhile and we were going back and forth with so many "GIRL SAME!!!!" it was almost like we were talking to ourselves! We both realized that summer was a struggle and likely always would be, it's hard to set a routine there are so many moving parts and it makes sense, we are boat people, we are weekend warriors that bleed into the week, we have friends and family that we spend as much time as possible with. There are cookouts and go outs and all kinds of food around, it is just hard. When I reached out I had zero idea that we were dealing with our own things, but at the end of the conversation neither of us felt alone in our struggles, while I hate that someone else is struggling too I was grateful I reached out.

Fast forward a couple of hours and I received a message from another sweet friend.  She just said (ad libbing a bit) "Hey I know you have been quiet lately. I noticed that it started when your Aunt passed away" I thought about that quiet a bit as the day went on. You have been quiet since your Aunt died... you were quiet when Rachel died... you didn't even cry... you didn't cry when Aunt Ann died.. not like that anyway.. not in a grieving way. You even mentioned how jaded you were to death because it just didn't bother you like that anymore, but doesn't it?

These two women, were a huge part of my life. They were aunts in every aspect of the word. They weren't those people that you saw two or three times in your life, they were women who helped guide and mold me (yes that was a heck of a job I know) they loved me for who I was even if they didn't understand some of me. They never didn't answer when I called, and they were never not there. In the course of a year I lost both of these women. I wrote their final words, I created the video of their memories... and I walked away. There were no goodbyes, there was no grieving, there was nothing... I walked right into taking care of my dad, drake, working insane hours, helping anyone anyway I could, is that a project? How can I help? What can I do for you? The yard needs cutting, Oh let me make this meal that takes 236 hours. Don't write, don't try to write. Your too busy, you don't want to know what is in there, DO NOT WRITE. Don't think, you think the whole time you run.. DO NOT THINK.. DO NOT RUN! Do not slow down... fill every single moment.... every single moment, until you fall into bed at night in exhaustion.. do not dream. Do not dream. Don't do it.. your gonna go crazy if you do. don't. do. it. They were your aunts, you don't deserve to grieve like that, they had children, they grieve, you don't. Fill your hours, drink another beer, you do not deserve to grieve.

Needless to say I have been playing an ugly game with myself. Death.. means nothing if you ignore it. Until it becomes so big that you can't. Until it keeps you from your dreams and goals because you are so busy hiding from it you can't focus on you, because if you look at you... you see it. You see the falling apart, you see the sadness, you see the person that is not strong at all.

I debated about even writing this, sharing this, then I thought maybe I am not alone in this either. Aunt Ann would have read it, there would have been words. Some kindness, some offering of support in the truth even if she didn't like the truth. Or maybe she would have given me a swift kick in the pants and told me to get over it already.. who knows. In the end... I obviously decided to share.

Now where is the next project.. anyone need any help???

Peace Love and Light

Re

Yea yea yea I know it has been a minute. I got lost in the weeds. No seriously.. I got lost .... again. It's ok, I'm ok, I just needed some time. So many things were happening that I have not taken the time for myself as I should but I always get back to me so no worries.

I finally had time to talk to Dr A Amazing this past week, I say talk but truthfully I sobbed the entire time. Why you ask? Because she asked the simple question of "What are you doing to take care of you?" I laughed and then I just cried for the remainder of the hour. So why the hell are you crying Re? Because there is not enough hours in a day that is why.

And this is where things got sideways, we talked about all I do and all I take on, and my favorite lines of "I got it! No worries!" and without a doubt I do! Because this is who I am and this is what I do and this is exactly where I belong, but, ... you knew there was one of those right? But... it doesn't mean that I can't look at those around me and say.. "Hey, I am doing xyz this week and I really need you to abc for me please."  Seems a little counter intuitive doesn't it? Me handing off my chores so I could help someone else... SSCCCREEEEECCCCCHHHHHH and this is where the whole apple cart dumped right out. She said .. "What are YOUR chores?"  I listed off some things and again she stopped me and said, "Those sound like household chores.." Me again.. "Well I suppose but it is my household so...." You see where this is going right? For so long I was Ms Dad and Ms Mom all on my own that when the times shifted and I had a partner in life and the kid was grown I didn't know what to do but keep on doing what I did, which was everything.  I left my appointment with homework .. I had to talk to Drake about helping more (I did .. he is) and I have to not be afraid to ask Ed to do things (he says I already do and he already does.. insert shruggy more on that in a minute). So away I went with my homework.... Sounds easy right? Nope not even.

Thursday evening I ran across this little clip. It was a woman talking about the best thing her therapist had ever told her. It came at the perfect time as I was still reeling in the revelation that I could and should ask for help, even as I was helping others. Her therapist told me... Your 100% is not the same as everyone else's 100%. At first I was like .. wait what??? 100% is 100% .. the glass is full or it isn't. there is no difference.... ahhhh but the size of the glass. I have one of those "fits a whole bottle of wine" glasses, I don't think I ever looked at it that way, but as the message started really resonating, I thought of a conversation I had at work, we were talking about work ethic and a statement was made that it is a proven fact that you only get 80% out of employees, the other 20% of your day is distracted, or goofing off. That floored me. I argued the point and said that is not possible, that when I am on the clock I give 100%, it was responded with... but you are different. When the one and only thing you really want out of life is to find where you belong and be part of something meaningful one of the last things you want to hear is "You are different." Not that I have ever minded BEING different... but I think you get the point. They did go on to say that no one can keep up with you, that you stay in a hyper focused state when you are working that no normal person actually can keep up with. Ed actually says the same thing.. that he just can't keep up with me, which leads back to the me asking him to do things, I don't think I ask that much but again my glass is HUGE so I am probably asking a ton.

So here I am Thursday losing my mind on poor Dr A Amazing and no one did it to me but me. I put those chains on myself, I put that burden on myself. I have to give 135% all of the time and when you stop to consider my 100% is different than "normal" it is no wonder I am a sobbing mess. It's where I belong and who I am though, what I am not is a summation of house hold chores, mundane crap that others can help with. (Thank you Ed for cutting the grass and Drake for helping out) What I am is how I can help others and that is what sustains me, but what I really need is a bit more fine tuning so things specifically for me, cooking correctly, writing, working out, running, paddle boarding are not the LAST things on the list but falling somewhere in the middle.

So here I am Re-setting, Re-starting, Re-focusing, and Re-adjusting so that maybe I save that extra 35% for myself. :)

I'm a little all over the place sorry for that.. just needed to get the words out, the emotion of it all out, and put on my flip flops and messy bun and head out to do all that needs doing.

Peace Love and Light

Re