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Don't let this be forever

6/27/2016

I know some of you have read the hurt and sadness in my posts recently.. the complete darkness of depression sneaking back in. I have never been one to hide my feelings or thoughts. I realize that even reading my posts are hard for some of you. I do apologize, but if one person doesn't feel as completely alone and devastated as I do right now then it's worth it.
I have made so many mistakes that they are uncountable, but I think the biggest ones I have made involved putting others in front of me. Saying yes to ease their burdens to the point my burdens are so great I don't think I will ever feel peace again until death welcomes me home.
My spread of myself and trying to do for all has left me so drained and empty that I don't have the fight left to even begin to fix me. Even if I had the strength I allowed people to use me up to the point I no longer have the means.
My sadness, stress, and pain have manifested to a point that loved ones are steering clear so that I don't bring them down.
I never did anything for anyone expecting a gain or a pay back, but I didn't focus on my inner circle enough to see that I was giving away myself until there was nothing of me left.
My point is.. I didn't follow the airplane crash instructions. I didn't put my own oxygen mask on first, now there is no air left for me to breathe to help those that need it or even myself because those that got to me first just sucked it all away.
Check your circle.. check your air bags.. check your oxygen levels.
Don't end up so spent the only thing left you have to give are tears and sadness to your loved ones.

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The Sunrise

6/15/2016

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So this happened! A 5k with a smile at the finish!

Why yes it did take me 58:50 to finish but as with all things Re there's a story. I was asked to be the sweeper this morning. That is the person who purposely stays last to ensure everyone makes the turn around. We made the water station at 38 and some odd seconds. That means I made the return trip in 20 minutes and some seconds.
I also passed roughly 20 people on the way back and caught and passed my green shirted target which was a long shot! When you are that far back people are very spread out!
No that isn't speed demon speed but that is great the for me. Especially in the SAND and I felt GREAT!
Thanks Matt Costa for the opportunity and a great race!
‪#‎justbeatthepersoninfrontofyou‬

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Why am I not thrilled

6/14/2016

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I should be feeling incredible happiness today. I should be delighted in the strides I have made in 6 weeks. I lost 5lbs on the scale which does not seem like a lot so the inches tell the true story. I am down 21.5 inches as of yesterday. I quit smoking 6 weeks ago today. I finished bootcamp and while I had to miss a few days I made sure I was in a gym working out. All of this while helping a friend through a cancer diagnosis and surgery (everything is ok there now... Just still recovering).

Its not enough. It wasn't enough. I still feel like a failure as I trudged around the monument this morning coming in well after the rest of the runners. I shouldn't be there... I shouldnt be last, I allowed time to slip away and wasted it. Life happened and I let it and it tried to kill me.
Someone once said.. To find yourself you have to first lose yourself. I'm not here either.
Sometimes, at least for me, the greatest battle isn't actually putting in the work, its the war that goes on daily in my own head and heart. "How can you think you did good, that this mattered? How can you sit there smuggky thinking you did it? You made it 6 weeks down the road and what do you have to show for it? You're still fat... You can't run a whole mile and no matter what you do... You failed her. You had one job in life and you failed. It doesn't matter what you do... You can't fix that. And what did you do with the three years since? Threw those away too didn't you.... Yup Re great job out there ... What a success"
Today is one of those terribly hard days when all I can do is cry. It happens. It may happen tomorrow too I don't know I'm not there yet. But tears or no tears the only thing I know is .... "Don't give... Don't ever give up"

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I love you too.

6/14/2016

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There is no denying today has been a horrendously hard day. Many tears have fallen. Heart broke a little more ... Yes apparently its possible. The shear magnitude of how much I missed my girl today was beyond measure. I don't know the trigger or the cause.Maybe it was because she was so incredibly close today it was almost as if I could feel her ... She was just there and I couldn't hug her.
The morning started with finding a beat up penny when stretching before boot camp. Then I happen to notice that my bff has his Deanna Hug bracelet on. At coffee a fellow boot camper asked me about my tattoos. I come home to dragonflies everywhere.... But the icing on the cake....

Today I sat at the table just balling. I don't me silent polite sobs. I mean full out the neighbors may have thought I was dying crying when the corner cabinet door opens. It just opens for no reason at all. There was no famous OBX shake... No wind.. No door slamming... Just a cabinet door opening. All I could think was "hi De." This was hours ago. Just now I walked over to take this photo and close the door. I took a good look at the Precious Moments figurine that was there.... This is what I found.

I love you too baby girl.

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Forever Friends

6/12/2016

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People wonder why I am so desperate to get back to the beach.... Well I will tell you. I am scared out of my mind that I will be stuck in this fat body forever if I don't get home.

I was asked today what that had to do with anything at all as I stood there with tears in my eyes disgusted by how fat I was... I get it people don't understand.

No one understands the bonds I have created there with wonderful people who push me to be a better person ... Physically... Mentally... Spiritually. I get pushed beyond the limits my mind has set each time I am with my people. Here I lolligag right at the line because HELLO when carrying an extra hundred pounds it's hard. It HURTS! I know you are thinking if you can do it there you can do it here... You also haven't been with my group of people because everyone of them will say.... "You wouldn't come out here and so this alone". I am petrified I will never run another half.... Do any more obstacle races... Finish a 5k in under 30 (under 45 would be good right now). I only feel confident that this will happen with the support I know.

I want to be where I can be the beatest me there is and that is where my beatest and most awesomest friends are. Thank you awesomest friends.

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Home away from home

6/6/2016

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Its been a rough week for a multitude of reasons. The one thing that kept me half way sane was this gym. It wasn't my gym... It wasn't THE Gym. It was just a gym with some stuff. It was a large place with lots of people.... I met one nice person. One person in a week spoke to me and asked me my name. That one person helped make it ok. It was far from perfect.

This last week has been filled with not so great food choices but I tried. I was out of my element... Out of my routine. I know some would say that this is life and you need to figure out how to eat when it happens. Maybe so but I did the best I could.
One thing that has me upset is missing boot camp. I was working so hard. I left my all on the floor or on the sand. I am sure some have watched me and thought.. Yea right going THAT slow??? Or maybe.. She used to be able to lift so much more. You aren't wrong. I made a mistake and ended up here. Fat. (Its ok Phyl being fat is a thing... Its a me thing at the moment and it is ok to face it so it can be fixed.) Anyhoo... When I realized this trip was happening I had a choice to make. I could sit on my fat ass and eat bonbons or I could join a gym for a week and at the very least try. I chose to try. I have made it to this gym 4 times so and went on a run, missing two days that could not be helped. I made it into this building with shiny happy skinny people and I left my all on their floor even if no one knew my name.
I actually learned a lot about myself and others this week. Its better to walk in and work out and look fat than it is to not go in the door and just look fat in your car. Its just as easy to dance up a huge sweat like a foolish zumba queen with people you don't know to songs you have never heard as it is with people you love and songs you have heard a hundred times. The gym rats will look at you a little funny in a place like this when you invade their space but will quickly go back to grunting over their own weights once they realize you know what you are doing. But I think the greatest thing I learned is that if you HAVE a plan its pretty easy to stick to it. Now to make that work with food all the time.

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Well you could just quit

6/2/2016

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In life it is very easy to just quit. Yes it is. I see people all the time walking around, breathing, heart beating but they just aren't living. Heck I was one of those people for awhile.

Nothing was ok... Nothing made my heart sing... Nothing made me smile... I was miserable and dead inside. Yes I did face the most horrific loss any mother could imagine, but here I still am. Why I don't know, I don't make those rules or have those answers. What I do now is I have two choices...
Live like I am living or live like I am dying.
I choose to live like I am living because each and every day we are dying. Some fast... Some slow... Some medium... But we are all doing it. Its going to happen soon enough there is zero reason to speed it along. Having said that I am also not afraid to die... I think that has lots to do with being able to live. But that's just me.
So what's your choice?

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Don't let this be forever

The Sunrise

Why am I not thrilled

I love you too.

Forever Friends

Home away from home

Well you could just quit

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