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The struggle is real

5/29/2016

The struggle is real. Oddly I KNOW I am loved beyond measure by many people and even blessed with a special group who love me even more than that.But...
That does not stop the FEELING of being unlovable or looking in the mirror and seeing nothing but nasty fat, old and out of shape.
Without a doubt I will get responses saying "love you" or "you are beautiful inside and out" and that always gives my heart a little flutter.
But....
That does not stop the FEELING.
It may have taken me a long time to realize this but I FEEL unlovable because I don't love myself. In fact I am down right disgusted and angry with myself that I allowed this to happen. I did this to myself and the only person to be angry at is myself, its very hard to love someone who has tried to destroy your life. Essentially that is what I did, for weeks, months, years even I have just wanted life to be done. Was perfectly happy if it ended. While I am still perfectly happy if it ends I no longer just wish it was over. It may be tomorrow or it may be 40 years from now but my plan is to live like I am living for whatever time there is left. And doing that with 100 extra pounds on my back is NOT going to be conducive to how I enjoy living.
I love finishing races. Right now I can't run a 5k.
I love obstacle races. Right now I think my knees would not make it.
I love being with friends. Right now I am that fat friend.
This HAS to change.
As for the mirror. When I look in a mirror all I see are buckets and buckets of fat. My clothes look terrible. My face has jowels. I would not even THINK of putting a swim suit on. I embarrass myself.
I can lose inches each week.... But the truth remains I am still huge.
This has to work.... I can't go on this way any longer.
‪#‎whatsyourwhy‬ ‪#‎hatefat‬ ‪#‎willieverloveme‬ ‪#‎reproblems‬

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Four years

5/28/2016

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I wrote an incredibly long post this morning about my share of boot camp photos. It went poof so I am going to try again.

These photos represent 4 years. 4 years of awesome. 4 years of friendships. 4 years of encouragement. What you don't see is the 3 years of the 4 that these amazing amazing people drug me, propped me, held me up, with me kicking and screaming the whole way. Just making sure that I would make it to the other side.
I did. I made it. And I made a terrible mistake and thought I had this. That I was ok. That I could keep on keeping on on my own. I moved. 7 months ago I moved. That cost me 30 lbs. The previous 2 and a half cost me another 30. That's a total of 60 lbs from my most awesome. My most fittest and even then I still had 40 lbs I needed to lose. The math sucks! Here I am 4 years later 100 lbs from where I need to be. Ok ok. 95 lbs now. Yes you read that correctly. 100 lbs.
So where does that leave me? Crawling with all my might in the worst shape ever back to what I know, back to what I need! Right back to those that have been doing the slow clap for me each and ever time I have returned and tried.
The determination is strong. The need is great. And without a doubt my friends, my team mates, my coaches will be right there with the "you've got this" each and every time I think I don't!
Thank you my dear friends!!
‪#‎outerbanksbootcamp‬ ‪#‎whatsyourwhy‬ ‪#‎rhinostrong‬ ‪#‎rerun‬

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Will you show up?

5/27/2016

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Here is my happy Friday word of advice.

If you have the opportunity in front of you to better yourself TAKE IT. Don't let moments or mornings slip by because of an ache or a pain or even an "I can't keep up". I hurt every frigging day and on top of that I am almost always last now ... Why because I am fat that is why. The slowness comes from the pain, the pain comes from the weight and NONE of that will change by sleeping in and putting off what we all know needs to be done.
I will be the first to admit for the last 3 years my only exercise was a nasty wallow in self pity... andddddd look where that got me. Fat that got me Fat. I wasted away an opportunity that was right at my front door, moments from home and I threw it to the wind because I was PATHETIC that is why. I made more excuses than you can imagine.
I am tired.
I am hurting.
I am sad
I am too busy.
I worked late.
I work tonight.
I will be last.
I could continue this list for an hour I am sure but I think you get the point. And none of those excuses are even valid excuses. Here I am months later, still tired but I go, still hurting because that pain isn't going away until I drop the pounds, still sad because life just is sometimes, still busy because aren't we all... and guess what. Not only am I getting up and DOING IT, I am driving 180 miles to get there so I can!
My friends, no one is going to chase you down, not team mates, not coaches. That is not their responsibility or their job. The job of a team mate, to help, to encourage, to be there for those that SHOW UP. The job of a coach, to lead, to help, to encourage, those that SHOW UP. So what's the answer. SHOW UP!
I know that some of you are reading this thinking oh she is talking about bootcamp, but am I? This is life people. You aren't going to get a place in the world until YOU SHOW UP! Give it your all, don't wait until tomorrow it is not guaranteed. Do the things it takes that will make YOU HAPPY! Is that donut really making you happy or are you just feeding your monster? Is that extra hour of sleep REALLY that important? Is the fear really so strong you can't take a chance at a new life and happiness? Is the jail of normalcy you have built around yourself so comforting that you can't break out to be GREAT?
The opportunity is right here. SHOW UP!

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Believe in you

5/9/2016

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I have been rather quiet about starting this journey because lets face it, who wants to tell people.. "Well here I go again trying to tackle this thing called obesity." At any rate.. this is where I am and if I am going to be honest it was nothing more than the last ditch effort before begging my PCP next week to set me up with a weight loss surgeon.

I know those closest to me kind of have a skewed vision of who I am because we don't see the major changes in those we love the most until it is causing great distress and harm. My family and friends still saw me as an athlete, as a runner, as a bootcamper. (or maybe they were just being kind and keeping their mouths shut) Truth is all I am right now is fat and miserable.

Since my daughter's car accident I have suffered from PTSD, Anxiety and SEVERE depression. My one source of constant comfort.. Food. Fried Food, Fatty Food, Sweet Food, Healthy Food, Premade Food, Homemade Food, Chinese, Japanese, Mexican, American it was like a drug I kept shoveling it in. As long as I was eating I wasn't crying or thinking. FOOD FOOD FOOD. 60 pounds in 3 years of FOOD FOOD FOOD! Yes you read that right.. I basically put on 20 pounds a year... except 30 of that was in the last 6 months! I was in TROUBLE.. I was drowning in FOOD!

I posted on Facebook a few weeks ago just how desperate I felt and I am a lucky lucky girl to have some amazing friends and super support. People were reaching out, try this... try that... this works for me.. that works for ME! I appreciate and love each person for their ideas but I also knew were I was in life and what worked and doesn't for me. I was also offered an amazing opportunity to spend the next 6 weeks back in the OBX to participate in an Outer Banks Bootcamp. Where I first found my love of all things challenging and with the greatest support group EVER! Let's face it.. I am currently facing my biggest challenge ever.. myself.

At the same time my dear friend Michelle reached out to me and asked me to give her Lifestyle Change plan a shot. We met and talked and she felt certain that she and the plan could help. At the time I figured what do I really have to lose, I am at the point of wanting someone to cut out half of my stomach and staple it to other organs (ok that isn't how it works but you get where I am coming from.) So I was all in. I started last Monday and powered through the week dodging bullets of frozen margaritas and hurdling pit falls of queso (it was Cinco de Mayo ya know) and here I am today.

5.2 pounds down and 11.5 inches gone!!!!

Yes you read that number correctly. I remeasured what felt like a bazillion times because at first I could not believe the numbers were that high then today I could not believe they had gone down that much. My poor body was so incredibly swollen from all the nastiness I had been putting in it that my flip flops didn't even feel right last week.

So what am I saying is, find what works for you.

Believe in yourself. Believe in the plan.

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The struggle is real

Four years

Will you show up?

Believe in you

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