That does not stop the FEELING of being unlovable or looking in the mirror and seeing nothing but nasty fat, old and out of shape.
Without a doubt I will get responses saying "love you" or "you are beautiful inside and out" and that always gives my heart a little flutter.
That does not stop the FEELING.
It may have taken me a long time to realize this but I FEEL unlovable because I don't love myself. In fact I am down right disgusted and angry with myself that I allowed this to happen. I did this to myself and the only person to be angry at is myself, its very hard to love someone who has tried to destroy your life. Essentially that is what I did, for weeks, months, years even I have just wanted life to be done. Was perfectly happy if it ended. While I am still perfectly happy if it ends I no longer just wish it was over. It may be tomorrow or it may be 40 years from now but my plan is to live like I am living for whatever time there is left. And doing that with 100 extra pounds on my back is NOT going to be conducive to how I enjoy living.
I love finishing races. Right now I can't run a 5k.
I love obstacle races. Right now I think my knees would not make it.
I love being with friends. Right now I am that fat friend.
This HAS to change.
As for the mirror. When I look in a mirror all I see are buckets and buckets of fat. My clothes look terrible. My face has jowels. I would not even THINK of putting a swim suit on. I embarrass myself.
I can lose inches each week.... But the truth remains I am still huge.
This has to work.... I can't go on this way any longer.
#whatsyourwhy #hatefat #willieverloveme #reproblems