Before I even start here, please don't tell me to suck it up and stop whining. The first thing you need to understand is that I have not been posting the good things in long posts, mainly because I don't have time, and secondly I don't need support with those things, those I am managing to muddle through with just fine, sorta. The hard things I need support with, the things that I just don't know what to do or why I am doing or feeling things, those I need your help and love with.

I am also going to not say ..  you don't know how I feel.. I am HOPING someone does. Somewhere.

I know Covid has hit hard in the last year, and devastated so many, no exception here, and I am sure that some would say I have it made. Maybe, but remember my, "it's your worst pain" theory? Well just because you THINK you have it worse than another does not mean you do, it just means you are judgemental. So if you are sitting there reading this and think to yourself, "I wish she would stop complaining" or "She really doesn't have it that bad" do yourself a favor, stop reading, and then go to facebook and click the unfriend button, because honestly neither of us needs that in our lives.

I fully realize that I have not really done anything to better this situation for myself, frankly there are a million reasons why but I will list off a few that seem to be the highlights.

• I am utterly overwhelmed - between work, the appointments, the cooking, the dogs, the constant sink of dishes, and a floor that no matter how many times I sweep, mop or vacuum it still is dirty it feels crushing, like every little thing weighs so very much and cost a fortune of time that I just don't have in the bank. 
• I am in physical pain - yea not even kidding, I can not recall a morning that I have woken up that I just didn't hurt, like all over, if I watch a TV show when I stand up my knees ache so bad it takes a minute, my hands ache like a bad tooth when I go to try to type if I have not been for a few hours, my neck, yea it only feels ok to look to the right, if you are on my left I am going to turn my whole body. There is no reason for this, I don't work out, I haven't fallen, I have not been in an accident. I just hurt
• My mental state - Between the depression of just being in the mix of what is going on around me and my friends and family, the seasonal depression, and the unending grief I frankly do not know how and or why I am still around. Being not around would be so much easier, but here I am. in all of my over-weight, under motivated, overwhelmed, depressed glory. yay.

I don't know how much of my "issues" are weight related and maybe none are, but I know in my head I hear. things like..

"You fat cow.. you wouldn't be x y or z if you were not fat."
"Hey.. you know if you would just work out you would not be in pain you lazy pig"
"People just say you are beautiful on the inside because your outside is nasty."
"You know your brother still thinks your repulsive, that is why he has little to do with you, because you are a wart hog"

This is the shit that is on a constant sound track in my head... constant loop.

I guess any normal person would take those things and do something about it. You know, work out, eat better, dress better (not sure how .. only thing I can get on that is comfortable are moomoo pants) act better. Yet.. here I am, with zero motivation. And by zero I mean none.

About the only thing I have been doing that is joyful, cooking, and I only recently realized exactly how joyful that was to me. I mean I have known I liked cooking, but I mean I really like this. I like the new things and the process, the down fall.... I eat it. I have absolutely no restraint. I cook things that I know my dad or Ed will eat and I will eat the same darn thing. Dad needs to gain weight, so there are lots of carbs, and breads, and pastas... none of which I should be eating. Frankly I have a whole list of stuff I am never supposed to eat again, but I keep right on doing it, the more I eat the bigger I get, the bigger I get the more I hurt, the more I hurt the more overwhelmed I am.... see that nice little circle? Ugh

So funny secret time, I played the lottery last week, in hopes of winning like everyone else, but I had this insane plan that I would take however much of that money I needed to and have myself committed to a fat/rehab/mental facility .. I don't think they exist so I was going to have one made. How ridiculous. I didn't win..  so that little plan is out.

I wish I knew what was wrong with me, I know my brain is not working right, I don't think we are supposed to literally hate ourselves right?  I also do not think that someone is supposed to hear a picture clicking, literally the sound of a hung photo, rattling against the wall. There was a noise, it wouldn't stop, it just kept clicking, I turned on the mediation music to drown it out, nope, I rebooted my computer, I listened to the fridge, I checked the mircowave.. nothing nothing nothing nothing.. randomly I took my finger and touched the frame, noise gone... let go.. noise back.. touch.. gone.. let go.. back.. there is nothing on the other side or on the connection to this wall that would even make it vibrate but here is the map of the Chesapeake bay is clicking to the point I want to scream. I think I am going crazy.

I know all of the metaphors and motivational speeches.. it has to begin with you, just do it, believe in yourself.. I have heard each and every stinking one of those things and nothing resonates or sticks. It's all there in my head, but the ugly is louder. I go to bed at night and think, tomorrow I will just walk a mile and do 15 minutes of yoga.. then tomorrow is today and today I don't have it in me to set up the yoga mat. Life isn't supposed to feel like this. 

The other day someone yelled at me that I had a problem, they didn't know what it was but something was wrong with me. Yea.. tell me something I don't know. How can someone so "functioning" be this broken? I read my words and think how did you even get up today, and I honestly don't know. How do you laugh, and smile, have conversation when it is already so loud in your head? I don't know. How are you going to keep going, and fix this.? I. DON'T. KNOW!

Selfish Needy. Crazy. Lazy. Mean.

For the record I don't think everyone hates me so that is good right?

I am not going to lie.. I have not really written a thing in 354 days. Nothing worth while anyway. I have no idea why I do that to myself. (oh wait maybe I did publish a few things on facebook will need to go try to find those later.. anyhooooo). I end up keeping all this stuff bottled up and in and sooner or later I implode, ok ok.. explode into a volcano of emotions that just do not come out in any good way.

Right now I am right in the middle of rock, meets hard place, meets lava, meets tsunami filled with hungry sharks and piranha. It is depression time. I am not unfamiliar with this time of year, it happens EVERY YEAR. It's like you are driving down the road and you SEE the 18 wheeler headed straight for you for a head on collision and your steering wheel breaks off in your hands and all of the doors mysteriously lock and all you can do is sit there in horror watching as it barrels toward the inevitable. I know it is happening, and no matter how many times I say "NO! Not this year!" here it is. Here we are.

Some one (I know you happen to be reading this :) ) told me this weekend to never put myself down again. So much easier said than done. Something happened on Saturday night that had me up most of the night, but the something probably wasn't that big of a something, but because of all of the other things in my heart and head it was huge. I went and I had a talk with my dad about it and in the conversation I relayed, that I was sad, that I missed my home, and I missed my friends, and that Mathews was a very lonely place for me. Which in turn only hurt his feelings, which was NOT the point. It was simply me saying, hey I need a little bit of grace here. This is hard. So I walked away feeling like a selfish spoiled brat.

In this situation I am not the center of the circle. Remember this? (facebook readers it is the circle image)

I probably had no business telling my dad how I felt, but I did, because I am not all that strong.

Side note: I will say this.. there is a little issue with that circle, it should not say "family members" it should say care giver, then family members, because in my experience they are not at all one in the same.

There are a plethora of things that are going "wrong" right now. You all know who I work for, so you can imagine that stress, watching my dad's failing health is utterly gut wrenching, seasonal depression that I can't shake, the grief process that is like a yo yo, having neglected myself and my own health (we won't even talk about how big my ass is right now).. this list just goes on, so I will stop, but the biggest thing stacked against me right now. I am hours and hours and miles and miles away from my support system.

I realize it is kinda shitty to call your closest people a support system and I hope no one takes offense because you are more to me than that. You are my family. You are my people. You are my life. I miss you all so so bad. It is hard to describe how much comfort a cup of coffee with your running buddies (not that I can run a 20th of a mile any longer) 3 or 4 times a week, or your besties calling you to meet for after work drinks, or, hey I have not seen you in a bit lets grab lunch, or afternoon adventures to the grocery store with your sisper, or having some Jackwagon telling you over and over and over that you CAN do it, or and last but most certainly NOT LEAST working 3 or 4 nights a week with your family change your life. I still suffered from the sad and darkness when there but around every corner was support in a network that I chose carefully out of people that I love and loved me. I wasn't the center of attention so please do not misconstrue what I say, but I was part of something bigger than this darkness. 

To those that are points of light here in Mathews, please don't be hurt, please know that the sparks of light that you bring to my table are so needed, and so appreciated, but it is also, so different. I am used to scheduling a day alone because my life was so full, Here, to me, it is so very lonely. Here you guys huddle in with your households, there is nothing is wrong with that at all. I celebrate with you that you can find happiness in that and here.  Right now I am just hoping that I can find enough to drag me through the pit one more year.

Believe me I KNOW I am a piece of crap for even feeling this way. I should just be grateful that both of my parents are here.  I should just be grateful that I am willing and able to help my dad in any and every way possible.   AND I AM GRATEFUL!! But at the same time I am sad, I am hurt, I am lonely. This is a very hard task to take on alone, and Ed... if it weren't for you... I would be in the nut house, so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE know I love you and each and every step of the way you have been here by me and I so appreciate that, but the truth is it isn't your job, you took on that role on your own and that means so very much to me. Also I hope you know when I end up in eastern state this is on you, I am sorry, I know you didn't sign up for this.

So now that I have gotten 99% percent of my total shit feelings off of my chest I am going to sit back and think about how much of a spoiled complete piece of crap I am and cry a bit more, (At least crying seems to help some) but I want to end on this note...

A few weeks ago my mom witnessed me completely and calmly take charge and control of a pretty traumatic scene. A few days later she said to my dad that some time ago he said she and I were exactly alike, but that he was right and wrong, that she saw that night I did get her ability to set aside what is actually happening in front of me and ensure that all the right things happen, you know so no one dies, but that I also have something all mine, that I will tell you what I think in a heart beat. Well mom, you are right, and you are wrong, for months I have held in how I feel, you know except to those I trusted to cry to, and this is where I am, a bundle of nerves, anger and on the verge of feelings I don't want to feel for another human, so you have been wrong about that, until now. Sorry Mom.

The last thing I have to say today is this.

If you happen to find yourself in your happy place again in the future.. you know the one.. the one that I made home, the home that I have not seen in months.. I hope you have fun, I really do, but I also hope you think to ask if maybe you could bring me my mail, or ride by and just check my house, or maybe even let us know you aren't in town... you know in case something happens.

You have hurt me for the last time and I have enough on my plate that I refuse to excuse your actions anymore and I won't just try to keep pushing it down, because frankly you are not going to be the reason I snap.

Love and Peace,
The only child