I am also going to not say .. you don't know how I feel.. I am HOPING someone does. Somewhere.
I know Covid has hit hard in the last year, and devastated so many, no exception here, and I am sure that some would say I have it made. Maybe, but remember my, "it's your worst pain" theory? Well just because you THINK you have it worse than another does not mean you do, it just means you are judgemental. So if you are sitting there reading this and think to yourself, "I wish she would stop complaining" or "She really doesn't have it that bad" do yourself a favor, stop reading, and then go to facebook and click the unfriend button, because honestly neither of us needs that in our lives.
I fully realize that I have not really done anything to better this situation for myself, frankly there are a million reasons why but I will list off a few that seem to be the highlights.
- I am utterly overwhelmed - between work, the appointments, the cooking, the dogs, the constant sink of dishes, and a floor that no matter how many times I sweep, mop or vacuum it still is dirty it feels crushing, like every little thing weighs so very much and cost a fortune of time that I just don't have in the bank.
- I am in physical pain - yea not even kidding, I can not recall a morning that I have woken up that I just didn't hurt, like all over, if I watch a TV show when I stand up my knees ache so bad it takes a minute, my hands ache like a bad tooth when I go to try to type if I have not been for a few hours, my neck, yea it only feels ok to look to the right, if you are on my left I am going to turn my whole body. There is no reason for this, I don't work out, I haven't fallen, I have not been in an accident. I just hurt
- My mental state - Between the depression of just being in the mix of what is going on around me and my friends and family, the seasonal depression, and the unending grief I frankly do not know how and or why I am still around. Being not around would be so much easier, but here I am. in all of my over-weight, under motivated, overwhelmed, depressed glory. yay.
I don't know how much of my "issues" are weight related and maybe none are, but I know in my head I hear. things like..
"You fat cow.. you wouldn't be x y or z if you were not fat."
"Hey.. you know if you would just work out you would not be in pain you lazy pig"
"People just say you are beautiful on the inside because your outside is nasty."
"You know your brother still thinks your repulsive, that is why he has little to do with you, because you are a wart hog"
This is the shit that is on a constant sound track in my head... constant loop.
I guess any normal person would take those things and do something about it. You know, work out, eat better, dress better (not sure how .. only thing I can get on that is comfortable are moomoo pants) act better. Yet.. here I am, with zero motivation. And by zero I mean none.
About the only thing I have been doing that is joyful, cooking, and I only recently realized exactly how joyful that was to me. I mean I have known I liked cooking, but I mean I really like this. I like the new things and the process, the down fall.... I eat it. I have absolutely no restraint. I cook things that I know my dad or Ed will eat and I will eat the same darn thing. Dad needs to gain weight, so there are lots of carbs, and breads, and pastas... none of which I should be eating. Frankly I have a whole list of stuff I am never supposed to eat again, but I keep right on doing it, the more I eat the bigger I get, the bigger I get the more I hurt, the more I hurt the more overwhelmed I am.... see that nice little circle? Ugh
So funny secret time, I played the lottery last week, in hopes of winning like everyone else, but I had this insane plan that I would take however much of that money I needed to and have myself committed to a fat/rehab/mental facility .. I don't think they exist so I was going to have one made. How ridiculous. I didn't win.. so that little plan is out.
I wish I knew what was wrong with me, I know my brain is not working right, I don't think we are supposed to literally hate ourselves right? I also do not think that someone is supposed to hear a picture clicking, literally the sound of a hung photo, rattling against the wall. There was a noise, it wouldn't stop, it just kept clicking, I turned on the mediation music to drown it out, nope, I rebooted my computer, I listened to the fridge, I checked the mircowave.. nothing nothing nothing nothing.. randomly I took my finger and touched the frame, noise gone... let go.. noise back.. touch.. gone.. let go.. back.. there is nothing on the other side or on the connection to this wall that would even make it vibrate but here is the map of the Chesapeake bay is clicking to the point I want to scream. I think I am going crazy.
I know all of the metaphors and motivational speeches.. it has to begin with you, just do it, believe in yourself.. I have heard each and every stinking one of those things and nothing resonates or sticks. It's all there in my head, but the ugly is louder. I go to bed at night and think, tomorrow I will just walk a mile and do 15 minutes of yoga.. then tomorrow is today and today I don't have it in me to set up the yoga mat. Life isn't supposed to feel like this.
The other day someone yelled at me that I had a problem, they didn't know what it was but something was wrong with me. Yea.. tell me something I don't know. How can someone so "functioning" be this broken? I read my words and think how did you even get up today, and I honestly don't know. How do you laugh, and smile, have conversation when it is already so loud in your head? I don't know. How are you going to keep going, and fix this.? I. DON'T. KNOW!