I would love to report I am a ok, but it is more of a roller coaster ride, one minute, doing the things, doing great, half way feel good, the next the coaster slams down into a valley. Right now the valley dips are much slighter than last week. That is a good thing, the contemplation of the imminent doom of Re isn't so intense. Some thoughts of disappearing or hiding out but none quite as permanent as last week's mental death threats.
My biggest thing right this very minute, the insane exhaustion and the inability to sleep!!! It is awful. I finally fell asleep good about 3 am Saturday night, for some unknown reason the pups decided that my bed was the WWE ring before 6 yesterday morning. Last night I just KNEW I had it in the bag! A great night sleep coming right up! I was tired. Little sleep all weekend, worked multiple shifts at the restaurant, I planted floors and fixed the porch up... I had done lots of the things. And.... wonk wonk waaaaaa. Awful night of sleep! Toss and turned with a million things running through my mind, drift off, wake up in a panic and burning up, think some more, calm heart down.. drift off, wake up.. rinse repeat. This pattern makes for a very non functional morning, and possibly a danger to society, at the very least it leaves me drained of energy and just unable to people in any way that should be accepted.
Since this "episode" began I have been just drained. Emotionally, Mentally and Physically.. I try to push through each of these every day, even though I know that this is just no way at all to live. Not happily anyway. I have tried to make some choices for myself to at the very least keep me from hitting the Valley of Death again. I have forced myself out in public, I have worked every chance I had, I have forgone the 430 am wake ups in exchange for the few uninterrupted hours of sleep I do get which seem to be between 3 and 6, I have spent time with family and friends, I have created a beautiful porch sitting area complete with colorful plants, all the while fighting this inner demon. Sometimes I think that If I don't speak out that even those closest to me wouldn't know how bad the inner turmoil is, but if you look closely I think you would probably find that my laugh doesn't quite come from happiness, my smile doesn't reach my eyes, my hugs aren't touching your soul, my presence lingers of darkness instead of light. I don't want it to be this way. In fact, I don't want to feel happiness, I want to feel joy. I don't want to feel a hug, I want to feel love. I don't want to feel contentment, I want to feel passion. I don't want to feel living, I want to feel purpose. Until I find the balance and the way off of this insane amusement park ride all I can do is keep doing the things while faking the funk, and that includes some not so lovely choices, like limiting the 430 am wake ups from 5 days a week to what I can physically handle, to forcing myself in to places with people I know love me even though my brain is trying to tell me they are better off if I don't show, it is doing the things that walk a fine line between doing the things to keep going and doing the things to wrap up and the determination to make it.
I have had numerous people tell me they hate to hear me speak of my own death. My self inflicted death I should say. To me it comes as natural as telling you about the color of shirt I am going to wear tomorrow. I can actual laugh about it, it doesn't make it funny but it does make it normal. It desensitizes the topic by speaking so outwardly about how I feel. And you know what ... it is ok for me to talk about it. Chances are I SHOULD talk about it because if I don't you have no idea how much darkness has creeped in, and if you don't know who would throw me a life line. A literal life line. I do find it quite frustrating that all over the world wide webs, news programs, and in personal debates and communication you could find the topic of abortion over the last week so so. There are so many on different sides of the fence, and there are actually varying ranges of that fence, we can as a society freely and openly discuss a topic as "taboo" as abortion but heaven forbid (see what I did there) I say out loud. "I want to die" everyone shies away and doesn't know what to say or do! Let's not even discuss if you are working in a cooperate setting and call off, the truth there is you must lie! All of a sudden your crippling depression is "The Cold" you get every few months. This only leads to further issues as people are passing you tissues and cough drops when what you really need is a hand on your shoulder and a kind word of understanding.
We need people that are willing to listen, not just hear the words but listen. Listen to the inflection. Listen to the pain. Listen to the tiny changes. Listen to the peal for help. And we need to people to not be afraid to reach out that helping hand even if that hand is out side of their comfort zone. A wise man once told me that the magic happens out side of your comfort circle, please understand magic happens even in the not so fun things if you take the time to step out of your box. You literally could save someones life. Some of the simpler things that could have or would have helped me these past few days:
- Hey I see you struggling, I am coming to get you we are going to sit on the beach for 30 minutes
- What can I do to lighten your load? Do you have some outsourcing I can help you with.
- Hey. I just want to say hey and let you know I am here if you want to talk.. or if you don't want to talk.. I am just here.
- Talk to me about what this death looks like to you, what does it look like after you are gone. Can I share with you what I see?
- I know you are exhausted, please don't worry about Reboot, we got this until you can get back, take care of your mind, body and soul so you can return.
- Let's have coffee.
- Let's grab a drink and catch up.
I still don't know what my exact purpose is but I do know that part of it is to get people to understand.
Peace and Love