First off you have to live that long and frankly that isn't for the faint of heart! Seriously though. I turned 50. I am now solidly 50. I didn't feel much different yesterday than I did when I turned 21... slightly hungover.  50 sounds so weird when you had no idea that you would make it that far, but here I am!

Mom gave me this super awesome card yesterday and I am going to share it with you all because it makes for the perfect post for today.

"How to turn 50"

Look back and marvel at how far you've come

(I see that it is taking me extra time to get as far as I once did... I kid I kid. Seriously I do still feel the same as I did at 30 or 40. I can only attribute that to eating right and working out because 6 months ago I felt 162! I get that I am not those ages and certainly some things change but I am feeling great. But how far have I come really? There are days that I am still stumped at life as I was at 15, so I am not sure that I have come very far, but are we supposed to come far or are we supposed to learn to live where we are? Such ponderings from an old woman.)

Act old enough to know better, but young enough not to care

(Dance in the rain! Just because we may know better or thing better doesn't mean it is the better choice. Let loose, love the life you are living and take the time to enjoy it. Ugly cry sometimes, it completely cleanses you. Enjoy the cocktails with your friends because even if you get super silly, they are your friends bet they have seen you super silly before! When you stop and ask if you should do something and the answer is .. ahh I better not... every once in a while say screw it and do it anyway! It keeps us young!)

Make a list of 50 things you are thankful for.

My Ed, I would not even want to think of living another year much less 50 more without him.
Dustin
Deanna
Little Dustin
Drake
My Dad
My Mom
Brother in Law
Seester
Sisper
Other brother,
Brother
Other brother 2.
Sister in Law
That my immediate family looks a little crazier than most
I am thankful that I am sitting here thinking that my extended family is really my immediate family and I am struggling with naming them all but the list would be too long, now that is something to be soooo thankful for.
I knew all of my grandparents and they each taught me things that I carry with me today.
I have the sweetest nephews and nieces in the world... even the fuzzy ones.
I am thankful for my Amanda the bestest friend! I wouldn't be here without her, she filled some of the hardest nights with her heart and i am so grateful for all that she has been and continues to be to me.
My friends are vast and even though mentally I would want a small circle the wide circle is full of such amazing loving people that it feels good to be part of them.
I have my ride or die and bonus kid! Life would not be ok without them.
I had the ability to write and deliver final messages for two of the most amazing women I have ever known.
I am thankful I love the sunset as much as a sunrise
Ohh that I am a great cook!
I am thankful that at 50 my parents are still with me.
I am thankful that even though losing them was so hard that I had Deanna and Little Dustin in my life.
I am thankful that at 20 I loved someone hard enough that losing them tragically would shake my existence and that today I love them still. Thanks for hanging with me all these years Mel Moo.
29 I have a successful albeit stressful career that has provided for myself and my family
I finally learned to grow things!
I am oddly thankful that I name the wild animals, that my heart is so very big that they are not small, they have meaning, I am thankful that I am the one that is weird enough to bury the crow.
I am thankful for coffee!!!!
That at 50 I am still working out and running (even if it is slow)
I am so thankful for my communities both OBX and Mathews while vastly different they are where I belong
I am thankful for my BFF PA is way too far away but I know you are right there!
I am thankful for Jeeps and how youthful they make you feel when you own one.
For my health.
Oh my goodness!!!! For Banx and Kd!!!! I would not be me without them!
39 That my faith allows me to believe, even if it is different than most.
I can still get lost in a good book.
Music!
I am thankful for grief, even if it is the hard terrible kind, it means that you loved the deep wonderful way.
A great therapist!
Dragonflies and pennies... all they represent
Vodka.. I can be thankful for that right?
My words and the power and meaning that they have not only to myself but FOR OTHERS.
47 MY COUSINS! Seriously.. I wasn't going to break that out but have you MET MY FAMILY? You should
48 I have the ability to help people.
49 That I LOVE THIS BIG AND KNOW HOW TO FORGIVE I just may not like you anymore lol
50 That I lived.

Write two notes one to your 20 year old self and one to your 60 year old self.

Hey 20 year old Re,

Hold on to your hat beautiful,  life is getting ready to go off the rails! I wish I could warn you. To explain to you that you are worth so much more than you are allowing right now. I wish I could explain to you that his words weren't true, but if I did that would change things and while it is going to be so hard, when you are sitting here at 50 you will miss it. You will miss the nights of what am I going to feed these kids, simply because it means we are all together. I wish I could tell you that you truly were all that they needed, to stand strong,  but again that would change who they are and they are amazing. I wish I could explain that you were going to lose them way sooner than you knew but then you would hold on too tight and that wouldn't be fair to them. People are going to hurt you, don't let that stop you, you have so much to offer. I am so sorry I didn't love you more, or even believe in you. I wish I could tell you that it is ok to ask for help, that you weren't just broken and couldn't' be fixed, you just needed some help. I am so so sorry, but I will have to say .. you are going to make it. It's just gonna be so hard, but you will be a wonderful person not in spite of.. .but because of.

Me

Hey 60 year old Re

Don't give up. I hope you see that life isn't about what big thing that you can offer, but in all of those small things that you do every day. I hope you have found peace in that.  I hope you are still running .. still taking care of yourself.. you lost yourself for awhile.. I hope you kept searching. You better still be dancing just like no one is watching even though they are! You may want to remind Ed that it has been 20 years now and to marry you already. I hope you find this note tucked inside of your book you finally wrote, I think you will reach millions.. believe in yourself! Hey you.. I love you.. you know that.. and it is still ok to ask for help.

Peace Love and Light
Me

Good lord that was hard.
Anyhoooo here I am at 50 and resetting my intentions to bigger healthy better things. The last few weeks have been a mad house and I just didn't have the time to focus on myself or my own well being, that begins today. So back to the grind, back to the writing, back to my routine, because I have a decade to crush!

Thank you to all that reached out, messages, calls, texts! They were wonderful and meant so much to me.

Peace Love and Light

Re

GOOD MORNING MY LOVES!!!! HAPPY 4TH OF JULY.. a day late.

I feel like I am walking into an office that i have been away from for weeks and clicking the light on with that resounding snap and standing in the familiar that I have been missing. I feel a little like I abandoned you but I also know I abandoned myself and my own routines for a bit.. but I am only one person and having to make choices of what fits in where is hard sometimes.

I do have some updates in case you missed it. Drake had his surgery on Thursday and so far is handling it well. He has pain but did manage to get up yesterday for awhile. He has stood every day but just that hop to move on crutches is painful. He isn't allowed to use his scooter until he gets a different cast in place. In general his attitude is far better than mine. I am proud of him. So very very proud of him. He has a long road ahead of his so whatever you do.. pray.. bless.. vibe... juju.. do it please.

Speaking of Juju... which ever one of you put that hex on me.. you should be fully satisfied. Two people have asked me if I wished ill will on someone and I DID NOT.. I DO NOT.. THAT IS NOT MY THING, but daggone if some lingering thing isn't around.  Or it could be just another test to see how much I can truly withstand before I break again, hence the not so great attitude.

In day to day life Ed likes to use words like, calamity, disaster, awful, for things like, a glass of spilled milk. Drop something on the floor IT'S A DISASTER! Stump your toe IT'S AWFUL. Dog jumps in the creek OMG A CALAMITY. I am forever saying.. it's not that bad stop exaggerating. It is a pet peeve of mine, why is it a pet peeve of mine because when a CALAMITY does happen no one comes running because.. no one believes.

I had my own real life calamity last week, so lets start by defining it.

ca·lam·i·ty
/kəˈlamədē/
Learn to pronounce
noun
noun: calamity; plural noun: calamities
an event causing great and often sudden damage or distress; a disaster.

Cutting my foot open was definitely sudden damage and distressing, the fact it took my dad 30 minutes to get to me because he thought everyone was exaggerating made it even worse, this is why we don't use terms like those Ed!!!! Although I will hand it to him, he had his own semi calamity yesterday, he fell off a step stool because he doesn't want to tell anyone he fell off a ladder. He's fine He's fine. He has a knot on his leg but that is from the pole driver hitting it on the way down not really the fall. Step Stool, Floating dock, 100 lb pole driver what could go wrong??? Such is just a day in the life around here lately.

Oh back to my hex.. in one day these things happened

• Flat tire as I was leaving to take Drake to surgery
• Borrow another vehicle
  
• Forget handicap sign and my coffee
  
• Bridge was open
  
• No one was around to assist Drake and I get in hospital (remember my foot)
  
• I didn't get to tell him good luck or I loved him before surgery because the nurse or the receptionist lied, we don't know which
  
• They sent Drake home so drugged from the surgery that he was calling me darlin'
  
• It DOWN POURED as I was trying to get him loaded into the truck
  
• It rained so hard all I could see was a wall of white
  
• A tree branch crashed down on the windshield in front of my face (didn't break the window but scared me to death)
  
• The low tire pressure light came on in the 2nd borrowed vehicle
  
• I refused to stop to get Nuggies for Drake (that was a tragedy)
  
• There was a medication communication mix up
  
• and for the final act of the day... drum roll please....
  
• My oldest ran over the neighbor's dog's paw (are you supposed to you double possessive like that?)
  

I don't know who you are or why you are so angry with me, but will you please let it go? Now is not the time and frankly I have done nothing but love on people soooooo what you so mad about tell me?

In truth, it is likely the universe just testing me to see if I will break again, it's probably having a hard time breaking through the walls of medication that I now take, which is a great thing, because short of full blown tears three times, a crappy attitude more times that I want to think about, I think I am holding it all together rather well. Everyone is fed and semi healthy, I have hosted two dinner parties (one was pizza does that count) I have cooked for a large cook out with my friends, the household chores are done and caught up, I walked a 5 k.. yes walked but I wanted to run sooooo bad. I literally have not slowed down one iota since cutting my foot, I have not had time, but I also have not had time to write in the chaos of it all. I have had to adjust my work schedule so that I get off really early so I can take care of all of the other needs around here and that cut right into when I write. I know I said I would try at the end of the day but I am so tired by then that it would be more gibberish than it is now!

Ed and I are on semistaycation right now. In that he is definitely on vacation and I am going to work some because why not, we aren't going anywhere and I get up so early that by the time I work 4 hours he is ready to start the day. I will save my time for another time when we can go somewhere, but I do hope to get the stitches out of my foot in the next day or so and enjoy time on the water and with my love, we so need some DOWN TIME.

Speaking of downtime.. I am out of here.
Hope everyone has a safe and enjoyable day!

Love Light and Peace

Re