Good Morning beautiful people!
How are you?? Seriously talk to me.. how are YOU? I would love to hear from you. I feel like I have been away on a trip and I am not 100% sure how everyone is anymore.
I hit the gym last night for the first time in forever! It was wonderful .. I nearly died! No seriously, I am fine but it was tough jumping back in. I am sure I will bounce right back to where I was and this time I am NOT going to be mad about the “where I could have beens” or “what I should have dones”.
That time is gone and it isn’t coming back. It is just another life lesson in how easily it is for us to slip back into old patterns when overwhelmed or stressed. We all have triggers and I just bounced right up on all of mine this summer.
Something I am super hopeful about today is timing. Typically right around now is when things start falling apart, when the sides crumble and everything gets dark again. I saw it happening just last week. I know exactly where I was. I was walking through the hallway here in the house and I stopped and just stood there. I thought to myself, “oh no… it’s happening.” And it was. The sadness was setting in, the darkness was creeping around and I had a choice at that very moment. I knew right then if something didn’t change and change fast I was going to be right back at the bottom in no time at all, I just didn’t know WHAT to do to stop it. Ultimately I did nothing, it was the Ragnar ladies, and it is likely they didn’t even know what they were doing, but their determination and perseverance showed me this weekend that ANYTHING can be done if you set your mind and heart to it and right now it is my time to do just that.
I would like to sit here and say that running the Ragnar in July and the Full Marathon are my “goals” but that simply is not the case. Sure they are out there and they are very important moments in this journey I am on but my truest goal is to make it through the bad season in a good solid healthy way, and possibly with a little bit of grit come out better than I started.
I have some solid doable weight lost goals, solid doable fitness goals, I just need to ensure I maintain solid doable mental health goals.
Yesterday I had an appointment with Dr A Amazing and we chatted about where I still find myself hung up at times. I wrote about the bucket filling yesterday and actually talked to her about it and she said, you have a serious issue with allowing others to fill your bucket, not only do you not allow it you refuse to ask for any kind of help, even when your bucket is completely empty you are running around trying to fill others up so no one even sees that you need help. I have sat on that since yesterday and pondered on something my Sis said to me when I was hurt. I was helping others and walking 5ks and going and going and going and I remember saying to her “I feel like I have no help and I am overwhelmed.” I remember her saying… “How would anyone know you needed anything or even think to help you when you are still out there doing everything?” I internally shrugged my shoulders and moved right along. Not once did it occur to me to ASK for help! It is something I need to work on most definitely because I will likely need help getting through the next few months.
Keeping this one short today after yesterday novel!
Peace Love and Light
LONG POST ALERT (you know when you get that from me it is a novel but also well worth it)
I am not sure how to start this post. I have typed out a few entries but they all seem so lame. They all basically say the same thing.. but in differing degrees of disguise.
Maybe blunt is just the way to go here.
I am here after a 4 month sabbatical where I once again allowed everything to take priority over myself. It’s what I do…. (rephrase… it is not what I do.. it is what I have done repeatedly and I want to break that cycle) I never seem to find myself as being the “important” piece of my life puzzle.
My sisper sent this quote to me a few days ago
Truth: People prioritize what’s most important to them and let the unimportant things go. That involves people too.
It is the truth… and not only does that involve people it involves ourselves. I did this starting the day I cut my foot. Strange that it was an injury to myself that put myself on the back burner again right?
Drake was already injured at this point but I was still doing me at the same time. My injury happened and everything blew up! Again. Lord knows it is not my boys fault, or my foots fault, or anyone’s fault other than my own so please don’t read that in the words I am getting ready to write.
When my injury happened I realized that I had only so much energy to expend and I immediately prioritized Drake’s care over my own. That simple small mistake led to an avalanche of requests and needs from all over .. everywhere except from myself! With each request I pushed myself farther and farther away from where I needed to be and dove head first into the needs of others. (AGAIN NO ONES FAULT BUT MY OWN.) The universe saw that crack in my resolve and shoved it’s way right in my space and I allowed it, why.. because I was helping others! I was out there filling up buckets all over the place. (that is a phrase from this weekend) In return I “helped myself” by firmly smacking a lid down on my own bucket so that not only could I not fill my bucket neither could anyone else.
I have been running on empty for 119 days. Want to know what happens when you run 119 days on empty, you break down. You start trying to fill yourself up with the wrong things, the wrong people, the wrong places BECAUSE YOU ARE DESPERATE! I was desperate .. desperate to fit in.. desperate to be part of something, even if that something was the wrong thing and was not filling me up at all!
One thing I can tell you about myself is that I love being alone. Yesterday I got home and flat out refused to leave again. Dad came by but it was a very quiet afternoon and evening of rest and reset. I needed time with myself. I actually LOVE time alone, but on the flip side of this coin is the fact that I love my “tribe” I need that closeness that connection, that motivation and support. I love social interaction. Odd that I am saying this but I think my actual life contact needs are pretty well rounded, I crave both solitude and interaction…
A few weeks ago I went home for a couple of days and had the wonderful opportunity to spend time with two of my best girlfriends. They had just gone on a run .. myself had just made it out of bed. At coffee that morning I mentioned that I had a half marathon in just 2 weeks and that I had once again not trained. I stated and I do remember word for word what I said “It is so hard for me to train without my tribe”. I completed that half but it was by no means good. I again thought… if I had trained if I had “my tribe” I would have done so much better. After the half I went right back to scrabbling for something to fill me up…
Also around the same time I went home for the weekend I was invited to be a van driver by my friend Hope and RIOT Rangar Relay team. I immediately said yes, without really even knowing what I was supposed to be doing. I said yes because I don’t know how to say no. I am not kidding here that is exactly why I said yes. (Sorry Hope) I even just a week ago said to Ed that I didn’t want to do this. I wanted to stay home. Thankfully he said “ABSOLUTELY NOT! You are going.. you need this..” I still thought of calling off my trip but kept replaying how much of a burden it would be on the others if I backed out and they had no driver so I pushed ahead and on Thursday morning I packed up my gear and all of my anxieties and drove to the meeting spot.
Out of the 13 ladies I would be spend the next 5 days with I knew 5 of them and let me just say that these ladies were all considerably younger than myself so full on panic was ensuing, add in a 14 hour trip driving a van that was chasing another van and the panic was also met with stress causing the perfect storm of exhaustion before the race ever started! The night before the race I laid in bed and nearly cried (until 2 minutes later when my body when into crash mode and proceeded to snore) I thought to myself, what is “WRONG WITH YOU.. Why did you agree to this. You don’t fit in this group! They need someone energetic and peppy! You are worn out and grouchy! Once you get through this thing NEVER will you agree to do something like this again!” 4 hours later I was back behind the wheel driving 6 excited and sleepy women to meet the other 6 team mates at the start line of a 200 mile road race and I still didn’t really understand what I was doing!
Over the course of the next 33 hours I witnessed the most amazing sites I have ever seen. The area of New England where this race was held was beautiful, new and refreshing. The landscape gorgeous, the homes and small towns we encountered were incredible, but I am not even talking about the landscape, the area, or the towns.. I am talking about the 13 women I was with. Come to find out some of them were merely acquaintances, I was not the only newbie in the crew. But the camaraderie these women shared was simply amazing. They prayed for each other, the encouraged each other, they shared things that on a normal day would not have been said or maybe offered. They absolutely CRUSHED their runs, even on tired, sore, worn out bodies they persevered and continued on to the finish line where as a group they ran together for the first time since the start 33 hours before. I teared up. I was part of this… but I continued to say “I am JUST the driver” or “I ONLY drove”. Team members kept repeating, we could not have done this without you, but I continued to doubt my part in the team.
In the elevator after the race, I was met with another Ragnar survivor, and he congratulated me, I said I would pass it on to the team, as I “only” drove. He said “Wait.. you were the driver??” When I repeated that I in fact was, he said, “you take that congratulations, I have done that to and that to me is frankly harder and more stressful than running!” He then proceeded to lift up his drivers and myself with praises. I was floored. This wasn’t just some one off job that I was asked to, these women trusted me to push through and make sure they were all safely dropped off and picked up from locations, they trusted me to drive through the night while they rested, they trusted me to also lift them up with encouragement when needed and you know what.. I came through for them! I completed my job and completed it well.
By morning after a good solid 6 hours sleep I was ready to sign up to drive the next one! I found my place, I am a Ragnar driver! I sat with Hope over coffee quietly in the hotel lobby and told her I would gladly drive another Ragnar but I would never run one. Never. This was met with a solid WHATEVER!
My inner dialogue ensued.
I’M TOO OLD = EXCUSE
I’M TOO FAT = EXCUSE
YOU HAVE NO WILL POWER = EXCUSE
YOU CAN’T RUN FAST = EXCUSE
YOU DON’T HAVE A TRIBE = WHAT???? ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? Look around you .. you buffoon! (I said buffoon ladies not baboon!)
As the day wore on I started thinking about how badly I wanted to be back in shape and not the fat slob I was becoming again. I wanted to run again and run well. I have a full marathon in 2022 but it is a whole year away. I need something sooner to aim for.
Run the Ragnar.
Run The Ragnar.
RUN. THE. RAGNAR!!!
Just like that I had logged in and found a baby leg that I felt I could commit to. I texted my guy and said.. Hey I want to do this which was met with two words. Start Training.
I again circled back around to how would I train without my tribe. My people. My 530 am support crew. I fidgeted with this for hours and hours and hours, how are you going to do this without them.
Then I realized something. Those people, they are my people, they will always and forever be my people, my tribe but… they aren’t my only people. I have a huge tribe and while they don’t meet me at 530 am to work out, they do support me through encouragement and cheers.
It’s you.. you all are my people. The ones on the other end of my words and posts. You all fill up my bucket! I realized that when I stopped posting about my journey and the efforts that I was making it was so easy to backslide into old behaviors and actions. As I didn’t have the support from you all, I also failed to support myself and allowed my bucket to empty to the point of desperation and my own light failed to shine.
So here I am this morning with a bucket full of strength from 13 amazing women, restarting my own journey to greater adventures, knowing that in order to succeed I need to continue with not only my training but with my writing and eating plan!
Oh and by the way I have officially put my name in to run Ragnar in July 2022.
Peace, Love and Light
Have you ever just been standing there and been hit with a TON of bricks? No not literally… figuratively.
Did you know that we have changed the actual definition of literally from meaning absolute truth or exactly, to it also just being used for emphasis to express strong feeling but not exact truth. As if English isn’t confusing enough!
Anyway… I literally can’t stand it!
So here I am minding my own darn business and licking my own wounds, playing victim, when all of a sudden all of this knowledge and enlightenment comes FLYING AT ME! DIRECTLY AT MY HEAD.
The biggest thing that I stumbled and tripped over recently was the big old “What is WRONG with me?” There HAD to be something WRONG with me to make these crazy things happen. Guess what I found… something was in fact wrong with me. I needed to do some internal work on myself.
I needed to explore not only the parts of me that instantly ran to me being the problem but also what in me is being mirrored back. Even at my age my own insecurities and fear cause internal drama where frankly I don’t need it. Had I not been playing into those feelings I would have acknowledged and been able to react to the things that were really unfolding and not just in a constant reactive state of, “Why don’t people like me? What else can I do to make everyone see I am a good person?” Do you know how much running around and extra things someone does when they are trying to prove their worth?
Newsflash… you don’t have to prove your worth to anyone… ever. You are you.. you provide and are special to the people who need you in their life. Your circle is that.. your circle and believe it or not, you fit perfectly into the place you belong.
If you are feeling out of place, that you don’t fit in, that you are trying to prove your worth, need constant reassurance that your friends are just that.. your friends, feel like you are a burden or a bother.. Guess what.. stop. Seriously. Stop! Because you are not where you belong.
Take a step back and really see what is happening in front of you.
Remember this, where you put your attention your energy goes. Write it down, tape it to your mirror, your monitor, your car dash, do whatever you do to remember this.
Let me say it again. Where you put your attention your energy goes.
Let’s dig into that a bit.
There are two circles, one red one, one blue one. The red one is bright, shiny, super bouncy, and looks like a LOT of fun! The blue circle is more muted, not dull but not shiny, it’s got a gentle sway going on.
Someone like me who absolutely craves social interaction and belonging would immediately gravitate to the Red Circle. “HEY GUYS! THIS IS AWESOME!!! Let me in, can I be part of your circle? IT’S SO SHINY HERE!”
Picture if you will, the red circle being like a mosh pit. You elbow your way into the crowd and get all tangled up with everything that is happening around you and it is so loud and exciting that you have absolutely no idea what is happening even ten foot away from you. You are PART OF THE RED CIRCLE!!! How exciting. You put all of your efforts into being part of this this circle, all of your attention, so much so that you don’t even really think of the blue circle out there in the nose bleeds quietly watching the concert. You are so caught up in being part of the exciting red circle that you don’t see all of the negative, you don’t see the drama unfolding, you don’t see the arguments, you don’t see the fight breaking out in the back, next thing you know because all of your energy is focused here so you too get sucked into all of it, the negative included! Bouncy BOUNCY BOUNCY!
Whoa this circle is EXHAUSTING!!! I need a break!
You elbow your way back out of your mosh pit of a circle, panting, looking a little worse for the wear and wondering what exactly just happened. You see the blue circle and you think, maybe I will take breather over there. “Hey blue circle! I am part of the red circle now! Did you see? Want to come with me next time? Maybe we can all fit together!” The blue circle points over to your seat they have been saving, they welcome you with open arms and want to hear all about your adventures but politely decline your offer to join you. They mention that they have missed you and are so happy you came back. It feels very nice and welcoming but you know you can’t stay here. You are craving that excitement again.. and you are PART OF THE RED CIRCLE.. you just have to go!
Back to the red circle you dive head first right into the pit! At the very last second the red circle parts and you land face first on the ground. No one caught you.. no one saved you a space… no one even noticed you were gone. “HEY GUYS HERE I AM!!!” You mean you went somewhere? Why are you even here? What do you want? You look around and see uncaring eyes staring back at you. You wonder what is wrong with you, why does no one like me? Hold on let me bounce a little higher they will see I belong here! BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE! See! I fit in. No one is paying any attention to your bounces, they have all moved on to whatever it is they do, no one sees you. You wonder again, why no one cares about you, why are you so unlovable, you wander out of the red circle and sit down on the gray bench alone.
You cry. You are alone. You are worthless. You will never fit in anywhere. All of your attention, is focused on all you have lost by leaving the red circle, and that is exactly where all of your energy now lies. Your energy is intertwined with your stance as a victim. You dwell and wonder how things went so wrong, you wonder if the red circle will ever see you. You spin around and around and around, you question yourself relentlessly.
Anyone see what is going wrong on the gray bench? Even though you are no longer in the red circle bouncing away, all of the attention is still focused there, the energy and dare I say it insight is going right along with it.
STOP! Stop giving attention to being the victim, stand up, brush the gray paint off of your jeans and let your energy swirl around you. Pry your attention away from the red circle, I think you are going to find that the blue circle still has a seat available and open arms waiting to catch you.
That’s the thing about fitting in and belonging. You don’t have to fight for it, ever. You don’t have to pay so much attention to it that it sucks all of your energy away from everything else. It’s soft and comfortable and not full of drama and heart ache. I am not in anyway saying that this place is perfect and has no sadness but I am saying that it isn’t in constant turmoil and you won’t feel constantly in a battle for your place. It is a place that allows the energy of you to grow and expand. It is a place where you can be all that you are and still fit in. It is a place of love and understanding.
I am also going to tell you that sometimes the red circle draws you in so you have a moment of clarity and growth. These were some more bricks of knowledge that were thrown at me recently. And this is exactly how I wrote it down.
Grew Out Of
Sometimes that red circle sucks us in and throws us right back out, because we are quick to understand the fit is horrible. We look back and realize that the things available in the red circle are things we have already grew up from, grown out of, beyond and past, but we needed a reminder and refresher. What I can tell you right this minute is all the bizarre things that have happened recently, Drake’s leg, my foot, deaths, dramas, and trauma’s all led me to sitting here today on a quest for understanding myself as well as others. An adventure to seeing the bigger picture and not just the red circle. I can’t tell you where I am headed with this, but I can tell you that my thirst for knowledge is strong. I plan to dig deeply into not only my physical and mental aspects but also in the spiritual avenues. I want to explore myself, completely, the strengths, weaknesses, grief, and joys.
I don’t know where this current ride may take us, but bear with me and I will make an attempt at sharing the journey with you in a healthy manner!
Peace Love and Light
Where is the creativity.. where is the motivation…
Hi all. Let me start by saying. I am fine! Sort of. I am not in a bad place, but I am not in a great place either. I am just kinda stuck… in place.
Let me give you an example. I have this AMAZING canvas for an AMAZING painting I want to do. It’s in my head, I have a picture, I even have the paint (in my closet in the OBX). I left the paints right there in my closet last trip because I was so uninspired I didn’t even feel like digging them out.
I thought this week, get the paints this weekend, again I was like.. meh.
How about another example? I have a half marathon in exactly 15 days.. and not the first clue as to how I am going to do it. I have been so uninspired to workout much less run that I am no where near ready. Do I know for sure I can finish it? Absolutely because that is what I do, but THIS time was to be different I was going to be READY. I am not.
Every night as I lay down I think to myself I need to write about… and by the time my eyes open I don’t even remember what that was or have the first idea what to write about.
I have started no less than 3 knitting projects all which fall by the wayside of the uninspired within a week, I have a Christmas gift from LAST year that needs finishing… I have at least TWO special gifts that need to be made this year and it just isn’t there to do it.
There is a wedding.. a VERY SPECIAL WEDDING in 200 days… I wanted to have lost 100 pounds by that day, I have not lost an ounce in weeks, I have not even tried and frankly I am not sure I care.
I sit here in the morning and think to myself when I get off work put on your shoes go for a walk if nothing else.. by the time I am done work it’s all I can do to muster the energy to fix dinner.
Again I am not sad, I am not depressed, it feels like I am nothing. That I am just here going through some very mundane motions for no reason or purpose.
I would rather feel everything.. than nothing.. I would rather be crazy and inspired than .. dull and lifeless. I am sure my family, however, would disagree.
Everything is just so darn… PLAIN AND VANILLA.
I don’t hear like the music or see the colors like I used to, I think it is too quiet. So while the deep sadness may be at bay, so is the complete joy, creativity and inspiration.
ITS SO DAMN DULL!!!!
Please send in the clowns.
Peace Love and what seems like very dim light,
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