Did you know that we have changed the actual definition of literally from meaning absolute truth or exactly, to it also just being used for emphasis to express strong feeling but not exact truth. As if English isn’t confusing enough!
Anyway… I literally can’t stand it!
So here I am minding my own darn business and licking my own wounds, playing victim, when all of a sudden all of this knowledge and enlightenment comes FLYING AT ME! DIRECTLY AT MY HEAD.
The biggest thing that I stumbled and tripped over recently was the big old “What is WRONG with me?” There HAD to be something WRONG with me to make these crazy things happen. Guess what I found… something was in fact wrong with me. I needed to do some internal work on myself.
I needed to explore not only the parts of me that instantly ran to me being the problem but also what in me is being mirrored back. Even at my age my own insecurities and fear cause internal drama where frankly I don’t need it. Had I not been playing into those feelings I would have acknowledged and been able to react to the things that were really unfolding and not just in a constant reactive state of, “Why don’t people like me? What else can I do to make everyone see I am a good person?” Do you know how much running around and extra things someone does when they are trying to prove their worth?
Newsflash… you don’t have to prove your worth to anyone… ever. You are you.. you provide and are special to the people who need you in their life. Your circle is that.. your circle and believe it or not, you fit perfectly into the place you belong.
If you are feeling out of place, that you don’t fit in, that you are trying to prove your worth, need constant reassurance that your friends are just that.. your friends, feel like you are a burden or a bother.. Guess what.. stop. Seriously. Stop! Because you are not where you belong.
Take a step back and really see what is happening in front of you.
Remember this, where you put your attention your energy goes. Write it down, tape it to your mirror, your monitor, your car dash, do whatever you do to remember this.
Let me say it again. Where you put your attention your energy goes.
Let’s dig into that a bit.
There are two circles, one red one, one blue one. The red one is bright, shiny, super bouncy, and looks like a LOT of fun! The blue circle is more muted, not dull but not shiny, it’s got a gentle sway going on.
Someone like me who absolutely craves social interaction and belonging would immediately gravitate to the Red Circle. “HEY GUYS! THIS IS AWESOME!!! Let me in, can I be part of your circle? IT’S SO SHINY HERE!”
Picture if you will, the red circle being like a mosh pit. You elbow your way into the crowd and get all tangled up with everything that is happening around you and it is so loud and exciting that you have absolutely no idea what is happening even ten foot away from you. You are PART OF THE RED CIRCLE!!! How exciting. You put all of your efforts into being part of this this circle, all of your attention, so much so that you don’t even really think of the blue circle out there in the nose bleeds quietly watching the concert. You are so caught up in being part of the exciting red circle that you don’t see all of the negative, you don’t see the drama unfolding, you don’t see the arguments, you don’t see the fight breaking out in the back, next thing you know because all of your energy is focused here so you too get sucked into all of it, the negative included! Bouncy BOUNCY BOUNCY!
Whoa this circle is EXHAUSTING!!! I need a break!
You elbow your way back out of your mosh pit of a circle, panting, looking a little worse for the wear and wondering what exactly just happened. You see the blue circle and you think, maybe I will take breather over there. “Hey blue circle! I am part of the red circle now! Did you see? Want to come with me next time? Maybe we can all fit together!” The blue circle points over to your seat they have been saving, they welcome you with open arms and want to hear all about your adventures but politely decline your offer to join you. They mention that they have missed you and are so happy you came back. It feels very nice and welcoming but you know you can’t stay here. You are craving that excitement again.. and you are PART OF THE RED CIRCLE.. you just have to go!
Back to the red circle you dive head first right into the pit! At the very last second the red circle parts and you land face first on the ground. No one caught you.. no one saved you a space… no one even noticed you were gone. “HEY GUYS HERE I AM!!!” You mean you went somewhere? Why are you even here? What do you want? You look around and see uncaring eyes staring back at you. You wonder what is wrong with you, why does no one like me? Hold on let me bounce a little higher they will see I belong here! BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE! See! I fit in. No one is paying any attention to your bounces, they have all moved on to whatever it is they do, no one sees you. You wonder again, why no one cares about you, why are you so unlovable, you wander out of the red circle and sit down on the gray bench alone.
You cry. You are alone. You are worthless. You will never fit in anywhere. All of your attention, is focused on all you have lost by leaving the red circle, and that is exactly where all of your energy now lies. Your energy is intertwined with your stance as a victim. You dwell and wonder how things went so wrong, you wonder if the red circle will ever see you. You spin around and around and around, you question yourself relentlessly.
Anyone see what is going wrong on the gray bench? Even though you are no longer in the red circle bouncing away, all of the attention is still focused there, the energy and dare I say it insight is going right along with it.
STOP! Stop giving attention to being the victim, stand up, brush the gray paint off of your jeans and let your energy swirl around you. Pry your attention away from the red circle, I think you are going to find that the blue circle still has a seat available and open arms waiting to catch you.
That’s the thing about fitting in and belonging. You don’t have to fight for it, ever. You don’t have to pay so much attention to it that it sucks all of your energy away from everything else. It’s soft and comfortable and not full of drama and heart ache. I am not in anyway saying that this place is perfect and has no sadness but I am saying that it isn’t in constant turmoil and you won’t feel constantly in a battle for your place. It is a place that allows the energy of you to grow and expand. It is a place where you can be all that you are and still fit in. It is a place of love and understanding.
I am also going to tell you that sometimes the red circle draws you in so you have a moment of clarity and growth. These were some more bricks of knowledge that were thrown at me recently. And this is exactly how I wrote it down.
Grew Out Of
Sometimes that red circle sucks us in and throws us right back out, because we are quick to understand the fit is horrible. We look back and realize that the things available in the red circle are things we have already grew up from, grown out of, beyond and past, but we needed a reminder and refresher. What I can tell you right this minute is all the bizarre things that have happened recently, Drake’s leg, my foot, deaths, dramas, and trauma’s all led me to sitting here today on a quest for understanding myself as well as others. An adventure to seeing the bigger picture and not just the red circle. I can’t tell you where I am headed with this, but I can tell you that my thirst for knowledge is strong. I plan to dig deeply into not only my physical and mental aspects but also in the spiritual avenues. I want to explore myself, completely, the strengths, weaknesses, grief, and joys.
I don’t know where this current ride may take us, but bear with me and I will make an attempt at sharing the journey with you in a healthy manner!
Peace Love and Light