The word needs to be gotten out, shared, passed on! So does the love, the love of God, the love of yourself, the love of your children, your parents, friends and complete strangers! This world.. this world we are living in right now, is one of the most hateful places we will ever be. That is my belief, don't get mad at me I don't think hell is Fire and Brimstone.. it's something, but different than that, it's horrible, it's bad, but not this hateful! We can each have our own thoughts right? I believe it is people's thoughts and actions that are hateful, not a place, and I believe that when we die... our hate turns to a peace, a love, like we have never known before and part of hell is understanding how much time was wasted here on this earth filled with hatred for our fellow man and souls. Even in the last few months I have been treated with hate, which unfortunately I allowed to affect me in a way that held me deeper in the depths of my fear and depression. My only solace in those situations I did not respond with hate, but pure professionalism and request for forgiveness and apologized first for a situations that spiraled out of control. I am at peace with those.
The truth of the matter is that two of my babies, children I loved, vowed to protect and care for, their lives here on this planet were extremely short in my eyes, and I would trade places with them in a heart beat, but they both lived extraordinary lives in the short years. They both touched so many people, with their love and their giving of THEIR SELVES to anyone and everyone.
Both of these kids were full of hugs, smiles, kind words and had the biggest hearts you ever would meet. They forgave and forgot quickly over petty teenage arguments, stayed friends with ex girl and boyfriends, and never met a stranger. I did not know in taking part in these children's lives, the roles of life were already geared to be turned. I was not teaching the children, in the end... they taught me.
I am ashamed to admit, for the last three months I have hid my hugs, smiles, kind words and my heart from most of the world. While I rallied to ensure that you all were getting your Deanna Hugs for the physical safety of your life, I wasn't sharing my Re Hugs for your emotional happiness, I wasn't sharing random smiles with strangers to brighten days, I smiled only when I felt that I had to because it was expected. I have hidden from everything, I needed to and I am not saying I did the wrong thing, what I am saying is that I must start taking the steps to get out of my house, get out from behind my body guard (as much as I love her... her life has come to a halt in the evenings because of me), get out from behind the I am too tired to go for a walk, a run, a bike ride, a dance class, get out from behind I am scared of another panic attack.. so what if I do.. I have had the worst happen... my babies are gone, do you think someone saying I belong institutionalized hurts all that bad???
I woke up thinking of Dad's death (my Sispers Father.. yes we are a confusing family), little Dustin, Deanna, McKennah, yesterday just being in the wrong place at the wrong time, the couple in Corolla... LIFE IS TOO INCREDIBLE.. TOO SHORT.. There is something I am supposed to do with this life and I don't know what it is yet.. but I don't feel like I have found it, and as long as I stay locked away, away from the world, away from the sadness, that sneaks in even when you try to hide from it... I will NEVER reach the goal of my purpose. I have been screaming to the world for 93 days 23 hours and 25 minutes now I AM NOT READY!!!! And it is the truth, I am not ready, I am not ready to sit in a crowd, I am not ready to go out to dinner, I am not ready to come over, I am not ready to run, I am not ready to ride a bike, I am not ready to do much of anything but sit down and cry and pray for the day that I see all of the smiles again, get huge hugs again and hear I love you Mommy again! But what purpose am I serving here on earth if that is my lot in life? Am I reaching any more than a man in prison waiting on death row? Am I reaching anymore than a fugitive in hiding for robbing bank? I am hiding a life from the world that has something to give even if I don't know what that is! That isn't fair.. that isn't fair to you. I don't think that I am supposed to live my life for me, I also don't think I am supposed to hold back and hide in fear either, so I want to hold a frog, I want to ride a horse, I want to run the full marathon next spring.. all things that have to be done outside of this wall I have built for myself. A wall that only I can take down brick by brick.. stone by stone. There is also very little doubt that in the process of removing pieces of this wall I will probably slam some back up from time to time... my life is kinda like a slippery slope of emotion, never really sure what you might get.
I JUST HAVE THIS OVER WHELMING URGE TODAY THAT THIS IS NOT ALL I AM SUPPOSED TO BE! THAT THERE IS MORE AND I AM HIDING FROM IT! THAT IT IS RIGHT THERE, I JUST NEED THE STRENGTH TO REACH OUT AND GRAB IT, BUT I DON'T SEE IT! This is probably one of the strangest feelings I have ever felt. So if you see doing something totally bizarre like going mountain climbing and jumping off a cliff with a parachute, or heaven forbid on a horse... just know that I am just trying to figure out WHAT it is I am supposed to be doing, because I don't think hiding is it. I have hidden from friends, from family, from life.. and I truly believe that God and my special angels do not want that! I hope and pray that they all guide me in the directions of my true path, even if that is traveling across country hugging anyone I can, I just hope that it doesn't have much to do with a horse or a frog for very long. :)
Go out today and do something amazing.. something extraordinary.. something different!
Forgive someone, tell someone you love them, HUG SOMEONE WHO NEEDS IT!
But most of all... Don't forget your Deanna Hug and Do YOU!