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Life is simply to incredible to be wasted...

7/23/2013

De kissing baby Sophia, her niece, while waiting for De's oldest brother David to come in port.

It is also incredibly short, and I mean this regardless if you live to be 103. In the scheme of things that is just not very long, and as I posted on the Give. Live. Hug. project site today, I sound like an after school special commercial and I don't care!

The word needs to be gotten out, shared, passed on! So does the love, the love of God, the love of yourself, the love of your children, your parents, friends and complete strangers! This world.. this world we are living in right now, is one of the most hateful places we will ever be. That is my belief, don't get mad at me I don't think hell is Fire and Brimstone.. it's something, but different than that, it's horrible, it's bad, but not this hateful! We can each have our own thoughts right? I believe it is people's thoughts and actions that are hateful, not a place, and I believe that when we die... our hate turns to a peace, a love, like we have never known before and part of hell is understanding how much time was wasted here on this earth filled with hatred for our fellow man and souls. Even in the last few months I have been treated with hate, which unfortunately I allowed to affect me in a way that held me deeper in the depths of my fear and depression. My only solace in those situations I did not respond with hate, but pure professionalism and request for forgiveness and apologized first for a situations that spiraled out of control. I am at peace with those.

The truth of the matter is that two of my babies, children I loved, vowed to protect and care for, their lives here on this planet were extremely short in my eyes, and I would trade places with them in a heart beat, but they both lived extraordinary lives in the short years. They both touched so many people, with their love and their giving of THEIR SELVES to anyone and everyone.
Both of these kids were full of hugs, smiles, kind words and had the biggest hearts you ever would meet. They forgave and forgot quickly over petty teenage arguments, stayed friends with ex girl and boyfriends, and never met a stranger. I did not know in taking part in these children's lives, the roles of life were already geared to be turned. I was not teaching the children, in the end... they taught me.

I am ashamed to admit, for the last three months I have hid my hugs, smiles, kind words and my heart from most of the world. While I rallied to ensure that you all were getting your Deanna Hugs for the physical safety of your life, I wasn't sharing my Re Hugs for your emotional happiness, I wasn't sharing random smiles with strangers to brighten days, I smiled only when I felt that I had to because it was expected. I have hidden from everything, I needed to and I am not saying I did the wrong thing, what I am saying is that I must start taking the steps to get out of my house, get out from behind my body guard (as much as I love her... her life has come to a halt in the evenings because of me), get out from behind the I am too tired to go for a walk, a run, a bike ride, a dance class, get out from behind I am scared of another panic attack.. so what if I do.. I have had the worst happen... my babies are gone, do you think someone saying I belong institutionalized hurts all that bad???

I woke up thinking of Dad's death (my Sispers Father.. yes we are a confusing family), little Dustin, Deanna, McKennah, yesterday just being in the wrong place at the wrong time, the couple in Corolla... LIFE IS TOO INCREDIBLE.. TOO SHORT.. There is something I am supposed to do with this life and I don't know what it is yet.. but I don't feel like I have found it, and as long as I stay locked away, away from the world, away from the sadness, that sneaks in even when you try to hide from it... I will NEVER reach the goal of my purpose. I have been screaming to the world for 93 days 23 hours and 25 minutes now I AM NOT READY!!!! And it is the truth, I am not ready, I am not ready to sit in a crowd, I am not ready to go out to dinner, I am not ready to come over, I am not ready to run, I am not ready to ride a bike, I am not ready to do much of anything but sit down and cry and pray for the day that I see all of the smiles again, get huge hugs again and hear I love you Mommy again! But what purpose am I serving here on earth if that is my lot in life? Am I reaching any more than a man in prison waiting on death row? Am I reaching anymore than a fugitive in hiding for robbing bank? I am hiding a life from the world that has something to give even if I don't know what that is! That isn't fair.. that isn't fair to you. I don't think that I am supposed to live my life for me, I also don't think I am supposed to hold back and hide in fear either, so I want to hold a frog, I want to ride a horse, I want to run the full marathon next spring.. all things that have to be done outside of this wall I have built for myself. A wall that only I can take down brick by brick.. stone by stone. There is also very little doubt that in the process of removing pieces of this wall I will probably slam some back up from time to time... my life is kinda like a slippery slope of emotion, never really sure what you might get.

I JUST HAVE THIS OVER WHELMING URGE TODAY THAT THIS IS NOT ALL I AM SUPPOSED TO BE! THAT THERE IS MORE AND I AM HIDING FROM IT! THAT IT IS RIGHT THERE, I JUST NEED THE STRENGTH TO REACH OUT AND GRAB IT, BUT I DON'T SEE IT! This is probably one of the strangest feelings I have ever felt. So if you see doing something totally bizarre like going mountain climbing and jumping off a cliff with a parachute, or heaven forbid on a horse... just know that I am just trying to figure out WHAT it is I am supposed to be doing, because I don't think hiding is it. I have hidden from friends, from family, from life.. and I truly believe that God and my special angels do not want that! I hope and pray that they all guide me in the directions of my true path, even if that is traveling across country hugging anyone I can, I just hope that it doesn't have much to do with a horse or a frog for very long. :)

Go out today and do something amazing.. something extraordinary.. something different!
Forgive someone, tell someone you love them, HUG SOMEONE WHO NEEDS IT!

But most of all... Don't forget your Deanna Hug and Do YOU!
Much Love
De's Mommy

2 Comments

Where I let a little inner Jim Morrison come out in the end..

7/17/2013

7 Comments

The photo is side ways.. much like my brain and I can't figure out how to fix it. Explanation of pic in blog post (just for you God Friend)

This morning as I was playing over misunderstood and saddening events of the last few days, the horrible nightmare I had last night, who knew that a man could be so evil and snide in a dream as he is in real life, (halt facebook status switch over to blog post.. I am finding that my simple thoughts are incredibly long these days)

Ok let's start at the beginning, I think I speak a special language that self translates from the time I speak or type, it to the time it is read or heard, at least to select individuals, I say "2 plus 2 equals 4" (See Amanda I do know my Science... public education baby!!) and what they hear is "the Independence of the United States was written on pink paper with purple sparkle glue by a hippopotamus.. SERIOUSLY THAT far off! No matter how I try to phrase, rephrase, or send smoke signals they still hear.. hippopotamus. Which leads me to a huge decision I have to make, how do I spend my energy, arguing with someone to see that I am not talking about a flipping hippopotamus or healing myself. Sorry but for once I choose me. I say that with so much confidence don't I? Truthfully I am still standing on top of a wall, praying I don't fall off before I make the first step no matter which direction or with how much speed, a step has to be made and only I can be the one to let go of my grip. I say on top of the wall because I realize the wall is there, I can see both sides of it now, where just a few short days ago I was completely blinded by nothing but the brick of wall and the door in front of me, so I am at least that far.

There have been other events in the past few days that have could have easily ripped open the slowly healing wound of the accident, but some how I have managed to keep a very tight bandage on my heart and mind, at the moment I know I am not processing what has happened and my only concern is for my friend, I don't want to process the events, I don't want to think about them, I don't want to face them, or talk about them, because if the events are true for her, then they are real. I am not ready for real. My heart is not ready to know I will never see my baby again in this life, that I won't hear I love you Mommy, that tomorrow is going to come and I won't hear "Happy Birthday I made you a dark chocolate cake because it is healthier" I don't want my friend to feel this ..... emptiness.

Last night I had nightmares, that always leads to a rather emotional morning, I remember at least one of last nights, there was a complete series of weirdness, being in the woods with my Daddy, I think I ran there, but it was set up as a camp, and crying, not just crying, screaming crying because someone had set up a photo shoot and taken photos of a new baby, in the exact outfits and with a bunny just like De's and how happy everyone was. I can still hear my daddy saying "It's ok Sugar" It's not ok and it will never be OK again. Not for me, I woke up with the overwhelming realization that, to others, life goes on, that initial sadness is replaced with something else, someone else, a new event upcoming, new opportunities, for some it is very quick, for others it takes longer, for me nothing will ever fill these missing pieces in my heart and life.

As I stood in front of the mirror after finally shaking the cob webs of the dreams out of my head I wondered to myself "When are you going to keep your promises? The promises you made to yourself, to people you love. When you are going to exercise, when you are going to run, go to bootcamp, get healthy, when are you going to reach out and just try, when you are going to stop being a failure?" I didn't have any answers but if I don't do something I am going to end up the size of a house and even more depressed, I don't feel like running, I don't feel that I fit in bootcamp anymore, exercise and scheduling is down right exhausting to even try to coordinate with how my emotions run... as I said failure. I sighed and made my way down the hall to fix that amazing concoction that if nothing else wakes me up so I can deal with the day a tiny bit better and low and behold ... no coffee beans.

Luckily enough the coffee shop is less than half a block away and Banx and I took off, me still replaying all of this negativity in my mind, trying to find the strength to just keep going, or to just plain stop, contemplating what the next steps need to be and what I should do, as I leaned down to tie Banx to the table in the bench I saw a penny... then beside it on the ground another. I heard in my head... "It's ok Mommy.. I love you" I don't know if I heard it or if I wanted to hear it so badly I made it up, either way I picked up her pennies and brought them home and placed them in her cup with a small bit of comfort out of a morning of chaos. Today... I can't seem to stop crying, I can't find simple things, car keys, wallets, gumption to even breathe. I wish I had a white flag I could wave and everyone knew oh my rally the troops it's a bad one, that work understood and said just take the day, go figure this out, that family just prayed, (oh wait they do that), but this is life and the troops have dwindled even the general (PS this is not THE General just another general) has moved on to other posts and activities.

I was responding to a message earlier today and I reread it and realized that my inner Jim Morrison had started to come out and I erased it and just replied with a simple ok.. and that I was going to post it here on the blog just so you can see how muddle my thoughts could be at times.

Fear... Fear of what?? I don't know. It's that weird. It's not the missing piece, it's not there now, it lingers on the edge. What is it? Fear of never being approved. Maybe? She had hers, is that what I am searching for? All I know is my feet are firmly rooted and I NEED them to move. No longer a want its a need. Wasted energy .... knock knock knock...

After I wrote this I glanced at Facebook and a family member had posted the following:

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

Pretty loud message... I need to remember this as I make the next steps in this journey, as they are going to be some of the hardest.

Live your life today for yourself and God, give someone a hug that looks like they need it... I am waving my white flag and going to hide under my bed awhile.

Much love,
De's Mommy

7 Comments

Keep-a-knockin' but you can't come in..

7/16/2013

3 Comments

Major break throughs in the last few days.. MAJOR! At least I think they are and I hope they can help lead to a change.

I have been playing insanity with my emotions, repeatedly banging on the same door that is being unanswered, backing up rejected and hurt, only to return to banging on that same door expecting to be answered, expecting to be heard, expecting to be understood, and expecting to be accepted. There is another unfortunate side affect of this repeated banging is that I have not heard the gentle knocks on my door. Sometimes in life I get hung up, this is nothing new, I have always done this Pre and Post accident, I expect something or someone to do respond a certain way and I continue to try to get what I expect no matter how many times I am rejected or turned away. It just takes me a long time to realize what is happening, but with the help of others I came to the conclusion that I am stuck behind this wall much faster than normal.

The issue now is I am stuck on the wrong side of a wall, and have to figure out how to get around it or over it, and back to my door, so I can start letting the gentle knockers in. (ON A SIDE NOTE as I was writing this blog post I popped over to facebook and saw that my friend Elly had posted this quote.. "Until you face your fears, you don't move to the other side, where you find the power." -Mark Allen, 6 time Ironman world champion. Quite funny when you continue reading you will find the irony... thanks beautiful I needed to see that!!) My next step is figuring out my next step, that is always an interesting adventure. I need to figure out how best to test the waters on the other side of the wall, at the other side of my door, and face the fear of the rejection that may come from even there. This is something that is going to now take me some time, it will take baby steps to reach my hand out to the door knob to open it.

As I said major break through.. now to work on getting past it.. the next huge step for me in this very long process.

As I have mentioned before, lyrics hit me and sometimes they need a tiny bit of tweaking to fit right.. I tweaked this one but it fits how I feel and where I am.

Some nights, I stay up cashing in my bad luck
Some nights, I call it a draw

Some nights, I wish that my lips could build a castle
Some nights, I wish they'd just fall off

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure, what I stand for
Most nights, I don't know anymore

This is it, boys, this is war, what are we waiting for?
Why don't we break the rules already?
I was never one to believe the hype,
Save that for the black and white I try twice as hard and I'm half as liked,
But here they come again to jack my style

Well some nights, I wish that this all would end
'Cause I could use some friends for a change
And some nights, I'm scared you'll forget me again

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for,
Most nights, I don't know

So this is it?
Washed my hands of that for this?
I miss my kids for this?
No. When I see stars, when I see stars, that's not all they are
When I hear songs, they sound like a swan,

My heart is breaking for life I lived and the con that I called "love"
But when I look into my babies eyes,
Man you wouldn't believe, the most amazing things, that can come from,
Some terrible lies...

The other night, you wouldn't believe the dream I just had about you and me
I called you up, but we'd both agree
It's for the best you didn't listen

Hope you all have a wonderful day!
Much love to you all.
De's Mommy

3 Comments

What do you see that I don't...

7/11/2013

4 Comments

Going to be a little bit heavy today... this morning with this post. I have let it be known that I am speaking to a therapist and have been for awhile so that is no secret, but yesterday I completely just broke in her office, something I haven't done since the day I had to tell her of why I was there. I belong to a grief site as well, where there are other angel moms who, YEARS later are still in the grips of horror and sadness. Haven't left their homes, do not grocery shop, do not cook, have quit their jobs, (obviously I don't have the financial support to do that) basically what I am say here is they have been allowed or given the opportunity to grieve I suppose I would call it.. given the understanding that.. they aren't in a place to go out.. or be in big crowds.. or enjoy the things they used to. They are in different places of their lives now such as I am. They have their support come to them... What I don't understand is what do you all see differently in me that these mom's? At times I feel I am being pushed to a place I am not ready to be. I hear a lot of "Come over my house we will XXXX..." " Why don't we go out and XXXX" "Let's make plans for X day and we will XXXX." When will you back at bootcamp.. When will you run again.. I have heard of the statements behind my back as well.. The she is crazy.. she needs to be hospitalized.. she shouldn't be this sad..

I don't know maybe the other angel moms hear the same thing and just have a blanket I AM NOT THERE YET statement. But to me.. I feel pushed and rushed.. I have extended invites to my house (I feel safe here) they were denied with a "No why don't you come to my house and get out" or "Oh I forgot I am doing XXXX then" I have turned down dinners out with large parties because the chaos and confusion really plays tricks on my brain. It's too much and it is sensory overload. I have asked that a small group of ladies come to my home, just to start getting me into things easily, unfortunately our schedules aren't meshing lately.

By no means does this post mean I am giving up trying to move forward, I am constantly moving forward, actually Jen that is my therapist said I was handling all of this better than any other she had seen in this situation, and that she felt I was doing remarkable. She also asked me why I didn't ask you all why you feel that pushing me towards things I am not quite ready for is necessary. Do you all see something in me that I don't? Do you just miss the old Re so you want me back? Is it natural instinct to try to make things the way they used to be?

By no means am I fussing about your support.. I am just trying to figure out how to let you all know what I need versus what everyone wants. I hope I am making some kind of sense here. Oh.. there is one thing that I DON'T need at all... harassment, drama, backstabbing, and discussion of my situation behind my back so if we can keep that out of the picture for awhile that would get greatly appreciated.

Oh and the one thing I forgot... the famous "I am here if you want to talk..." Nope I don't want to talk, I write, if you want inside my head read what I write, I CAN'T talk I have a problem with it, why because all I break down and cry and it is pointless. I can't get my feelings across or out. When I do talk to people it is rarely about how I feel, sometimes it is about De and the accident.. but NEVER about how I feel. Not even to Amanda do I talk about how I am feeling inside I can't. The words escape me. They don't come out right and I end up just like I did yesterday a sobbing crazy mess and no one can help. I don't even bother telling people outloud that they have hurt me, and many times I just let it go even with my writing, I don't bother saying.. you aren't listening! I have found that to be pointless as well.

I think I should have made this a blog post.. (so I did)
Anyway the question is what is it that you guys see in me that make you push me just a bit harder than these other moms are being pushed.... Why are they being supported in the place they are in right now and I feel like I am being shoved out of my comfort zone some... And if one person mentions circles and magic .. I will come punch you in the nose.

Much love to you all!
Re

4 Comments

A different approach

7/10/2013

5 Comments

Does that look like a kid that would want anyone to be sad to you?

Yea, I don't think so either. So I am TRYING a new approach.. I am trying not to be sad, I am trying to be grateful and blessed when I receive little hellos from her like the following:

Random Coins: trust me they are everywhere and if someone could explain to me how and why they keep ended up in the middle of my living room floor then maybe I would view this differently but when Drake and I are the only ones here and neither of us have change in our pockets...yea.. Hi De!

Feathers when I am boarding: three now to be exact, each beautiful each different and each just randomly seen as I was paddling away, two I had to stop and turn around for, the last zebra striped one I scooped up as I paddled by, I saw it right in front of me. Her sister has found them randomly, as well as my best friend, and Ed.

Dragon Flies: My friends seem to see them more than I, but they always send notes or photos that a hello was sent their way, it warms my heart to know that others see them and think of De and me. I have had one ride around on my finger for a nice long walk with my God Friend Betsy. I had one do a fly by the other day when in the pool with Mariah, I missed it and she said "It flew right over your head Mommy!" I admit I whined a little bit because others were seeing them all weekend and I had not, about that time.. SWOOSH... fly by and the little critter flew around and around the pool. :)

Shooting Stars and little white lights: Don't ask me what the white lights were I will never be able to explain it, I just know in my heart what they were and two separate occasions now I have seen shooting or falling stars while speaking about De.

Many nights when the stars are out and shining I go talk to her, why I feel closer to her outside with twinkly stars I don't know but I do, so we talk. The other night instead of asking repeatedly why she had to go, and how much I missed her, and how I wanted her to come back, I spoke to her about how I wish she was seeing all the beautiful things that I had been that week and then I thanked her for the gifts she has left me here in this life. Gifts I would have never known if it were not for the accident, gifts that I could not have survived this time in my life without. I am not saying that these gifts are worth more to me than her, I would gladly give them back to her, for her to be here, but I am grateful and in awe that they were left to me through her, for her, and by her.

As you can see, there is no lack of communication from my beautiful daughter, directly to me and to friends, these are beautiful things that I am learning to cherish, just as I have to learn to cherish all the good moments in life again. I am having to learn not to feel guilty for smiling, laughing, enjoying myself with family and friends, it is a new life for me and the rest of us that were so close to her, together I believe we will get there. I am not saying I am going to be all happy and giggly and joyful tomorrow, I am saying that I am going to try to hold on a little longer to good, and not feel bad when the good happens.

There will always be a tremendous hole in my heart and life, that no amount of stars, friends, coins.. will ever be able to fill but that does not mean the rest of my heart can not be filled with love and happiness. This is a journey, a very long, moment by moment journey and in five minutes I may be right back in the darkness of sadness again, it's like that, but right now, right this second I am holding on to the good! Holding on to the sweet memories I have with my De, cherishing the 19 years we all were allowed to spend with her, and feeling happy for the happiness I know that she brought to others.

So to my wonderful friends.. I thank you! Each and every one of you for being beautiful gifts in my live, for standing by when I needed you, for taking a step back when I needed space, for just holding on to me when I needed to cry, and for allowing me to call you a Stupid @##$#@#$ Donut when called for, I would not be posting this blog with out the love from all of you and without my special signs from my girl.

Much Love to you All,
Re

PS Another few things that I have always tried to live by are: say what you mean, mean what you say, love hard, apologize first, forgive often, walk away when needed but stand up for yourself and others when called for. Life is too short for pettiness, way way to short. Sadly I have seen more pettiness and cattiness in the last three months than I have in entire time I have been on this beach, some directed toward me, some not. To those that feel I did them wrong, I apologize, that is all I can do. I have extended it previously I am extending it again, to those that did me wrong, I forgive you, for those that are in the throws of doing others wrong, step back and put yourself in their shoes, for those that have already done wrong, own up to it, face what you did and who you hurt, send a text, make a phone call, put out a facebook message, but do not allow another second to go by without fixing the hurt, you never ever know the moment it will be too late.

5 Comments

Give. Live. Hug.

7/8/2013

8 Comments

I hope everyone enjoyed their Independence Day and remained safe by wearing your "Deanna Hug" while in a moving vehicle.

Drake, Banx and I spent the week in Mathews, with my Daddy, my Mom, and Ed. I personally spent more time on the water than land and I am still having a hard time walking in a straight line. I am happy to say that it was the most relaxing stress free week since the accident. There were signs of De's presence EVERY WHERE.. more and more friends posted they saw something special here or there.. yet I was not "seeing" anything at first. While Mariah were in the pool relaxing on Friday afternoon.. ZOOM... goes a dragon fly... and around around it flew. I spoke to Deanna that night while walking Banx and looking up at the stars. Just chit chatting and then thanked her for the beautiful people she left me in life and the beautiful stories of your selflessness that she displayed that are being relayed to me through stories via her friends and mine. Then on Saturday as I was paddling along I saw it in the water, right beside me, I slowed and scooped it up without even stopping, a feather. And not just any old feather, a half zebra striped feather. I know she was saying.. "Mommy... be happy.. just live"

The only complaint I have about this week and weekend, was leaving. I am not in a funk today as I have been in the past, I don't feel guilty about enjoying my weekend as I KNOW that is exactly what De would have wanted. I started reading a book with Mariah and Amanda, a book that De would have loved, it is making me feel good, not sad. The signs of her saying "hi" are starting to make me smile a little and not feel left in utter despair. Don't get me wrong there are the moments of, Why isn't she here to see this.. or She should tanning with Mariah not me.. or just images of the scene and my mind playing the "video" of her last seconds, they have not left, I don't know that they EVER will but I am starting to see pin hole beams of light back in my life. Moments that although she is gone I am able to perform things that I used to, fishing, relaxing, boating and actually get enjoyment out of it and not just perform the motions. My laugh still sounds foreign to me when it happens, and there is a huge piece missing no matter what I am doing, it is true the saying a "Hole in my heart" that is exactly what it feels like, that no matter what you do, something is not quite right in the world anymore.

The point here is some how, some way, I am getting there, slowly. I have some very loyal friends and family that support me through the darkest moments, don't question me when, all of a sudden it seems I am likely to lose it and start swinging paddle board paddles at their heads and they just wait for the moment to pass, (for someone to claim to have no patience Ed certainly has found some because usually he is the one around when all of a sudden the darkness and sadness sets in, there is no way I could ever thank him for being what and who he has been...) and there are still a lot of those moments.

As the week goes on I will fill you in on details of our vacation in big old Mathews.. but for now.. this is how I spent it.

Give... We gave away more fish and clams we kept...
Live.. I did live, I finally allowed myself to Live for moments of time, on my board, with my family, enjoyed my time.
Hug... Oh I got hugs and gave them all over the place!!!

So how did YOU spend your holiday?

Much Love to you all,
De's Mommy

8 Comments

Life is simply to incredible to be wasted...

Where I let a little inner Jim Morrison come out in the end..

Keep-a-knockin' but you can't come in..

What do you see that I don't...

A different approach

Give. Live. Hug.

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