What a wonderful snowy weekend we had! Yes yes we all know I enjoy the snow and I very pointedly appointed the weekend anything goes and I enjoyed myself and my family. I am 100% ok with that and not beating myself up, because I made the decision before hand. It wasn't a just fall all down opps how did that happen? It was thought through and signed off on. Snow days don't count in the scheme of things. They are to be cherished and celebrated!


Today is a get it back on track day and will most definitely involve water, chicken  and Kale!


(Let's hope there are no more snow days in 2022 :))


I signed up for 3 of my races yesterday and I am looking forward to each of them! While I am not fast I feel much more prepared at this time that I have in quite awhile. The physical act of signing up was what made them all the more real. These things are happening with or without my preparation, so it is definitely time to prepare.


Last week  was given an assignment and that was to skim through 2 books from our class and grab an idea and bring it to class.

The first book that I really thought I was going to like I ended up disliking. It was one of those books that asks a question and then gives you like a paragraph in response. Questions like "What is the different in Keto and Paleo?" It would go on to give the answer but at the very end would throw a little jab in there like.. but neither are good for you. "Will you lose weight on Keto?" The answer was Probably, but... I just can't get into a book that had so much negative opinionated answers in it.  It was so full of yes buts I never did fully grasp what type of eating or plan they supported. This is something I believe.. there is no one right plan for anyone.. just like religion or politics I am not going to knock what you have found to be right for you.. because I am me and we certainly don't wear the same size jeans so how could I be the one saying "Your jeans don't fit right"

What did I find in book two. It was a 10 minutes to a better you type book. I liked the lay out it had photos and exercises that were grouped together nicely. I am going to happily hand this book on to my mom as I think she could find some useful sets and they are very well illustrated so easier to follow along than just the words of  raise your left foot behind your right shoulder and wiggle your fingers. But again the book was not for me. There were so many 10 sets of doings that it was overwhelming to me.  Do this 10 minutes to flatten your stomach, do this 10 minutes to destress, do this 10 minutes for a nicer bum.. you get the point... by the point I was done flipping through the book I had enough 10 minutes to take up 3 hours and that wasn't helping me at all.


I did learn through reading these books that I do like and believe in my plan. The "diet" I follow and my work out schedule work for me when I work the plan I just need to dig deep and get it done.


Hope you enjoyed the snow as much as I did!


Peace Love and Light


Re

Happy Wednesday Everyone!


I want to start by saying that I don't think the person who made snarky comments on Monday is a jerk, I am erring on the side of caution here because I do see them interact with others and they always seem completely delightful. I am going to make a guess that they are just amazingly in denial about what their words do to others. What one thinks is a little funny quip they threw out there another thinks it is a dagger slung at them and I think this is where this person and I are. I have debated and I will be addressing the issue so that hopefully it doesn't happen to me or anyone else again. Moving right along....


Yesterday, today and Friday are double workout days for me this week. It is definitely time to stop playing around and get ready for these races I have coming up. My goal isn't to just complete these races but to actual do well in them. (well for me... I am not out here competing with anyone else) I would like to really improve on the times and what that is going to take is commitment to the gym and commitment to my plate. I sat here yesterday and ran through all of these scenarios as to how to beat the plate into submission, what if I did, oh I know maybe, How about if I.... and the plain simple truth of the matter is I have to stop eating like everyone else around me and eat like I need to for my own body. If only I didn't like the things that are so bad for me, cakes, cookies, pasta, carbs... just give me all of the carbs. Some people can eat them and not put on an ounce, like Ed and my Dad, and believe me both of them want carbs on their plates, so it is right there staring me in the face!  I know that some of you may be reading this and thinking "for pete's sake Re.. just eat the dang cake.. life is short you don't HAVE to lose weight" Oh but I do. I don't love myself in this body and that is my right, my problem is I am too damn destructive to myself to follow through with the work.


What am I getting at there? I read something last night that stopped me in my tracks completely. (that is hard to do these days by the way) Over eating is a way of self harm.

Insert of definition
Self-harm is when you hurt yourself as a way of dealing with very difficult feelings, painful memories or overwhelming situations and experiences. Some people have described self-harm as a way to:

• express something that is hard to put into words
• turn invisible thoughts or feelings into something visible
• change emotional pain into physical pain
• reduce overwhelming emotional feelings or thoughts
• have a sense of being in control
• escape traumatic memories
• have something in life that they can rely on
• punish themselves for their feelings and experiences
• stop feeling numb, disconnected or dissociated

And THIS is why I keep falling into the trap of food and alcohol.. you know that warm fuzzy blanket that DULLS ALL THAT SHIT I AM FEELING!!! I can walk through this list right now and go check check check check check that is EXACTLY what I am doing when I over eat or drink and I have been doing it for 9 years.


I was looking back through photos the other day of my friendship with Amanda and the only time I actually looked healthy was the year prior to the accident. I had been working hard in the gym and at bootcamp, I was taking the steps needed to eat right, I wasn't drinking every time I turned around. I was actually in a place of self love and not self hatred.


The key now is to find what exactly will break those habits, how do I face the emotions and all of the feelings without the fuzzy blankets of self harm. If there was just some magic wand that would shift my desires of a beer and a cookie (not at the same time.. gross) to a mile run. I still feel deep down inside that I have stayed rooted in my fat suit because I don't deserve to be anything other than fat and miserable. Crazy right? Somehow I have to find the path back to self love.


Those are my words of enlightenment today... sorry if it leads to more questions than answers but that is exactly where I am right now. So many how can Is floating around in my head.. yea yea yea I know.. Nike.. Just do it.


Peace Love and Light

Re

Well here we are on day two. Yesterday was a trying day in many ways.


It all started with a scan.. a simple scan that showed me nothing different than I already knew. It basically said the following:

1. I am moderately hydrated in that I have drank some water but not enough water to be well hydrated, I pulled my water bottle out it is sitting here for today.

2. I have pretty good muscle mass. I am not surprised there. I mean it could always be higher but it was a good solid number.

3. I'm fat... well duh. I knew that, it was why I signed up for the class to start with. The scan said I need to lose 84 lbs. again not surprised by that number it is right in line with what I thought.


So where did it all go wrong you wonder? From one statement.


"well aren't you just a major health risk."


Wait.. what??

I mean yea I know that I am not as healthy as I should be but I am out here putting in the work. I hit the gym 3 days a week and my peloton the other two. I work hard when I am there even when I am frustrated with myself I put in the work. I get what the paper says, I am not shocked at what the paper says, but what YOU said... not cool... not cool at all.


I was so put off by the comment, especially when it had no follow up of, but we will get you through this, or we will work on this, or we are here to help. It was nothing but a snarky hurtful comment. Do I think they meant it to be hurtful, no it is doubtful, the person doesn't appear to be that kind... I think it was just them underestimating how impactful their words can be. Not everyone responds to negative talk.


So what did I do with it.. nothing. After the initial dumbfounding reaction and a quick vent session about it, I went to the class later yesterday afternoon. And guess what.... it happened again!!! Another back handed comment about my scan, this time in front of ten other people. I was livid!!!! Had I not committed to the class with two other people I would not have gone back to for class two, I am actually pretty sure I would have walked out that second. I left class with a very crappy feeling, about myself, about my abilities, and about where I was in my journey... and I wanted a damn cheeseburger and fries.


I ended up having another vent session about how and where I was with the whole thing and I coming away with a different attitude about it and I am taking a different approach than walking away, it will come to light as the weeks go on, but as I sat last night with those words ringing in my head and being so very angry about it, I got to thinking. Why am I so mad that someone would say those words to me? Granted keep in mind I played the I'm tough card "it's ok that they said that to me but what if they said it to someone else"to start with. You know what it is not ok for them to have used those words without follow up to anyone, period. So why do I allow someone else to talk to me that way... that someone else is ME!


There is a continuous running banter in my head that I am worthless, I am fat, I am pathetic, I am not a good person, I am ugly, I am weak... on and on and on and on and on. Frankly what this outside person said to me was MILD in comparison with this volcanic on slaught of nasty comments I give myself. I know I am not the only one out there that does this, and people, my friends, my family, my loves.... we MUST STOP.


I know I for one don't deal with negative comments well, see the cheeseburger from above, I dive head first into all the things and all the vices and I cover up with food and alcohol like a nice fuzzy warm blankie and stay there, only coming out long enough to work out so that I can pretend I am doing something. Those workouts aren't enough. I need to face some hard truths again about myself and the handle I need to get on things, and that is not a handle of vodka, even though I wish that it were.


I'm not built like other people, then again are any of us? My pendulum swings wildly from one side to the other, I don't have a full grasp on middle ground, I don't know that I ever will, but I absolutely have got to stop allowing negativity, sadness, and anger to swing my pendulum to the wrong side of the tracks and allowing it to get stuck there.


So here's to day two... what change did I make today?

I am already a bottle of water in before 7 am.

I dumped my coffee out because I had used creamer.. the bad kind.. and remade it with the good stuff, why I keep reverting to that sugary shit is beyond me.. oh wait see my fuzzy blankie above.

I have added an extra class in at the Y this week and an additional Peloton ride.

I did my morning stretch that I was assigned in class.

And last but not least.. I finished my journal assignment.


I have goals.. big ones for a woman of 50... but I kid you not I will turn this around.


Peace Love and Light

Re

Monday... a good a day to start over as any. I mean it is just an arbitrary day of the week, but I think we as a people hang a lot of weight on Mondays. Good weight and bad, who else spends most of Sunday dreading Monday? I know I do, why, because the alarm clock is set. Now keep in mind when it is not set I am usually awake and up before the sun but that is ok simply because I am awake because I want to be, not because I have to be. But alas here I am, up with the chickens writing about how this week is going to be a start over.


Why am I writing about it instead of just doing it? Because I have yet to succeed unless I am writing about it, as soon as I stop writing it all goes to hell. I hit a bump fall of the wagon and it runs over me and continues to loop around bumping over me repeatedly! When that happens I don't have the strength to even get out of it's way, or even my OWN way. So I do all of the crappy things that continue to keep me rooted in this fat suit I got going on. Please don't tell me to love myself and my body, because I absolutely do not love it and I honesty don't love my out of control self either. So it is time to reel a lot of crap back in and focus on my goals and not how badly I have messed up.... again.


I find that in writing I hold myself more accountable. Not only to a way of eating, but exercise routines, limiting alcohol, and must importantly to how I am feeling. It is so easy when I am not writing to just hide behind a cheese burger or a few beers than to face what is actually going on. And what has been going on is that I have really been in a crap place again. (I know you are not surprised) I am not at the bottom of the hole but I did fall back into it and have been holding on to the rope for dear life, I just have not had the energy to pull back up so I am have been just hanging around somewhere between the sunlight and rock bottom, but if I keep hanging around where I am now I am going to end up on a My 600lb life and Intervention crossover event.


Wishing you Peace Love and Light on this random Monday.


Re