I had to keep telling myself that we deserved this and it was going to happen. Of course I found one house I thought was right.. it was wrong.. on my was it wrong, and of course it fell through and sparked a downward spiral of sadness, then I looked and looked and nothing.. zero.. zip.. even the new constructions were just wrong.
And then as I was scrolling through zillow for what seemed like the 287323874387436th time I saw this...
I walked in that first day and felt that felling people kept telling me about. We put in an offer and started the ball rolling. I won't say that the process was without stress and hiccups and just smooth sailing but I will say that it was a lot less than I thought it would be. I believe that is in part to my amazing team I had behind me. From my loan officer, the realtor, my attorney, the sellers, my boys, my crew of awesome movers and all the friends and family who listened as this went through each step, you were all amazing and a wonderful support! I could not have gotten to here today without you.
But I have to give credit where credit is due. Deanna was all over this from the moment I saw the photo of the feathers. Which now actually lovingly hangs on the same nail they have hung from since they were painted, with a hand written for Mom message written on the back. I will never in a million years be able to express to the artist or the original owner exactly how much this simple act of love and kindness has affected me. As I rehung that painting on the day we moved in a shift happened.
So many people say to the grieving "Time will make it better" that is so undoubtedly untrue when the grief is for your child. Time doesn't make it better, if anything the more time marches on the more dreams, hopes, celebrations, birthdays compound into more and more loss. Things are never the same again. I was reading an article this weekend that summed everything up, "When we bury a child we bury every thing that child's life enveloped, there are no do overs, there is no rebuilding. It is forever and it is final." I have learned to not shed the tears that build, I have learned how to hang the sad at the door of work, I have learned to emoji my face into a silly smile and to say "I'm good" with a conviction that makes it almost believable. I know all these years later that it is a battle I will have to face each and every morning when I wake up. But the one thing I was not banking on, that I didn't see coming. Peace.
Oddly if you read the post before this one on my blog it is about my love of chaos and how I operate best on a life full of busy, stuffs, things, works, it really didn't matter as long as there was something to hang the sad on as I walked in. Sitting quietly with a book was most unheard of. Spending time alone for hours very unlikely. Sleeping more than 5 hours straight, laughable. I thrived and survived on chaos. The days leading up to the closing of our home was filled with the insanity of packing and emails and details, but through it all the nagging "you should be here" feeling. I would glance at the feathers and miss her terribly yet be filled with love and I would continue the march forward to closing.
Ah closing. Set for October 16th but due to one of the hiccups my move in date (again thank you thank you thank you to my awesome moving crew) was not my true court recorded close date. You see I think someone wanted their wing involved and wanted to make sure that I saw her nod. Our official closing date October 20th, a day that probably would only strike me as significant, but in a time where I still think of my child on every 20th of the month, the October month always seems to stand out more. You see that marks another half a year of her angelversary. I realize that some people may be reading this thinking "Boy is she reaching" but live in a world of no rebuilds before you judge please, it is the little things that keep you moving forward. So here I am unpacking and decorating feverishly because I had to be busy, I had to get it done, and done it got.
My daddy and mama have both visited and helped in the last two weeks, both sleeping in a real live guest bedroom. Banx has found his favorite spots. Ed's help and love of the place passed my wildest dreams. Drake and Haley have mostly settled in (they are in their 20s I don't think settling is in their nature). Friends have stopped by and Amanda and I have found date night to be comfortable and an ease to fall into. I have read two books, cooked at home, spent time in the quiet, worked from my beautiful desk in my amazing office with the sun shining in. I have slept on a regular basis for 8 or more hours waking to feel refreshed.
As I unpacked the final box, as I hung the final painting a feeling of peace swept over me and I realized that yes, it is final, but not over as I heard ever so faintly. "Mommy, we're home."