Give. Live. Hug.
Follow Me:
  • Re's Journey
    • Re's Journey 2011-2013
    • Re's Journey 2007 - 2011
  • Spindles
  • Cafe Mais Sha
  • De's Story
    • Photos of De
    • Signs of De
    • Deanna Hugs
  • Glimpses into my mind
  • Banx, Kittum and Fat Beagle
  • Favorite People, Places and Things
    • Family and Friends
    • Bootcamp Family
    • Favorite Places and Things
    • Me!
    • Crafties I Made
    • Deanna's Christmas Tree
  • Encouragements, Insights, and Funnies
    • Encouragement MeMes
    • Funny MeMes
    • Grief Memes
    • Favorite Postsecrets
    • Words of Support from April 20th
  • Races, Runs and other Fun Events
    • Deanna's Candle Light Service
    • Deanna's 5k 2013
    • Pretty Muddy
    • OBX Marathon 2013
  • Contact Us

Happiness

1/29/2014

3 Comments

 
Picture
What you see above is pure happiness, not a worry in the world, not a thought of anyone or anything else, not a worry about a bill, a issue, the future... just pure happiness. I wish that I could remember what it was that was said around this picture that made such pure happiness I would tattoo it on my eye lids on the inside.. that is how badly I would like to see it every day. It is difficult to feel happiness when so much grief, sadness, and drama is swirling around. If it is not one emotional ripping at your happiness it is another. I was on Facebook early this morning and saw a post by one beautiful blue eyed beauty Christine, who always captures my attention and I read it.

"I woke up with this thought in my head: If peace is the absence of conflict, and love is the absence of judgment, then true happiness is the absence of anguish, no? Think about it… the moment we stop inflicting our own suffering and realize that happiness is a choice (not a destination), then all we'd be left-with is our innate state of stillness and bliss. So why aren't more people unreasonably happy all the time?

Maybe it's because we've been so systematically trained by the media to accept drama as a form of entertainment, that our lives feel somehow incomplete without it (which explains why some people seek or even create drama, confusing the stillness of our soul with boredom).

We've been programmed to always demand bigger/better/faster/more, so even when we reach a state of pure bliss, we think of it as insufficient and immediately try to improve upon what isn't even broken. We have subconsciously deemed true happiness as "not good enough", and go on our "pursuit of happiness" like a hamster on a wheel, when happiness isn't something we have to pursue.. it's in our hearts to discover!

Maybe that's why I love LIFE like a puppy: Wholeheartedly, unconditionally, continuously and with no reservations... I don't need external stimuli.. I think the magic of the breath is entertaining enough.

Each morning when you wake up, before doing anything else… smile! Inviting you to be a soldier of peace in the army of love, your brother Timber (Buddhist Boot Camp)."

While I am not Buddhist the message hit directly home and I wrote this in conjunction with the post as I reshared it.

"Amen! I have allowed drama to run my life for quite some time.. always feeling the need to respond to it... going forward the key is no reaction. I can be happy regardless of what anyone else throws at me. I just HAVE to keep remembering my self worth and self love and self happiness is NOT based on what anyone else feels or does towards me.

It's a new learning process but I will get there.. happiness can be had through grief. Grief is a process that I don't think ever ends you just learn to live through it. So as well as not allowing drama from others, I will work to not allowing my grief to define my happiness.

May you all have a HAPPY SNOW DAY!!!!"

Sadly I have always been a person who has been led by drama, always felt the need to respond, to fight for my point because then and only then will anyone SEE ME. See the hurt that I am in, the pain that it causes me. There is just one big issue with that.... it never stops. People who create drama thrive wholly on the reaction they receive out of the other party, so much so at times they make themselves the victims so they are receiving even more attention from outsiders.  It is easy to do, especially with social media, I see how kids in school get so far that they can bully someone to suicide, because the victim of the drama is reacting .. feeding the tendencies of the bullies.. who in turn need to hurt the victim further, so that when the victim can't take anymore they snap. At which time the true victim is viewed as the apparent cause. Poor Sally look at the things that Amy has said about her online, never knowing that Sally behind the scenes provoked Amy to the point she felt the need to scream out for help.

I have given drama a lot of thought over the past few weeks, and I have a horrible habit of being sucked into it, because I feel my self worth is based on how someone else feels about me, or treats me, even at times if that person is a complete stranger. I mean really why should I care if someone on a public forum bashes me because I am fat or my writing is bad, or a piece of art is ugly. They don't KNOW me... they don't know my heart, they don't know my life.. but me.. I get sucked in and have to deal with it, respond to it. That is MY issue, a problem I have to work through, it is also my issue that I feel the need to state the obvious and post the details of what is going on in my life. I need validation that I am NOT horrible, that I am NOT vicious, that I don't deserve to be treated like garbage, so when I am feeling attacked I feel the need to throw it out there. Why because I am not strong enough to put up a boundary. A invisible barrier that no one can take away my joy or happiness, there is only one little issue with this... they aren't TAKING my joy and happiness I am handing it to them. Freely and whole heartedly handing over my happiness.

This is one of the lines that touched me the most 
"we go on our "pursuit of happiness" like a hamster on a wheel, when happiness isn't something we have to pursue.. it's in our hearts to discover" I shouldn't be pursuing happiness from anything or anyone else than from within myself and God. Period. Who gives a hoot about how anyone feels about you.. if you don't like someone and they obviously don't like you step off. It is that simple, walk away, I did, it isn't that hard once you make up your mind, the hard part comes in when the other person gets bored because their drama target isn't responding and decides to poke at you again. THAT is when the real tests come in. Be strong for yourself, don't turn over your happiness and joy, just turn and say your opinions no longer have justification in my heart and for my happiness.

As I was sitting down to write this post today I read my favorite book Jesus calling and this is was today's message:

Picture
If that isn't an amazing message I don't know what is! God basically just told me.. forget it.. not worth it! I have given you freedom from the words, thoughts, and actions of others... EVEN YOUR OWN! "I will guard you and keep you in constant Peace, as you focus your mind on Me" It's right there.. the answer is RIGHT THERE. I do not need to react for validation and protection I need to remain still and calm and allow the true protector of me to do His. My anxiety over the issues in my life.. turn it OVER.. they will be shriveled away. The answers are all there... just as soon as I focused myself away from drama and others.. the answers ARE RIGHT THERE!

I also recieved another message from a dear God Friend this this morning.
"
Choose your battles wisely. If the enemy can't stop you, he'll try real hard to exhaust you. Don't fall for that! Be wise!"
Yet another answer but I would like to add to this one.. he'll also come back and kick the crap out of you when you least expect it. Again.... let them kick, you have protection... you have the ULTIMATE protection..

2 Corinthians 4:9
We are harassed, but we aren't abandoned. We are knocked down, but we aren't knocked out.

So go out today, don't look for happiness outside of yourself and God, see that it is already there, don't allow the free will of others rip your joy from your hands, don't allow yourself to freely hand your happiness and love over. Stand tall and say no matter what, not matter the drama, no matter the grief, no matter the sadness MY HEART is Happy. My happiness is inside of me and nothing can steal that.

Love you all Much,
De's Mommy


(if anyone says one word about me needing a manicure.. I don't, I am serious need of a pedicure though so that is a thoughtful gift LOL)

3 Comments

9 Months

1/20/2014

2 Comments

 
Picture
Good Morning All,

Today marks 9 months since my sweet girl earned her wings. 9 months, the same amount of time as her mommy I anxiously waited to hear her first cry, to hold her in my arms, to meet her, I felt her move, I heard her heart beat, I saw her as a little bean no bigger than a butterbean.... that nine months there was a gift at the end.
This nine month I have also anxiously waited the day I could meet her and hold her again... but it has been in silence.  There have been no heart beats, no flutters of kicks, only silence, and at the end of this 9 months there has been no gift. There will be one glorious day just not today. 
As her mommy this day is hurting my heart much more.  I would like to spend the day reflecting on things we would be doing and are going to do when that wonderful day comes!

I ask all of you to please, wear your seat belt and get your Deanna hug, don't allow anyone to steal your joy, be the light in someone's life today, give someone you love, live for God and yourself as youself, be you.... and above all hug someone.

Much Love,
De's Mommy
2 Comments

If only... 

1/13/2014

0 Comments

 
Picture
If only she had worn her seat belt that morning... if only.
As I stated I wanted to try to write more this year so here we go. I am working on some of my other goals as well, I am reading more (a book on heaven) , I have walked some on the beach with my best friend Banx. (Sorry to my two legged best friends .. I think you all know the love I have for that pup and the love he has for me and I needed some alone time with God and De) and I have spent time working on gifts of love for people. I have completed four hats and a scarf and a few buttons. I went out and spent time with some amazing friends celebrating a God Friends birthday! Happy Birthday Brant.. and guess what I didn't crumble I didn't lose it, I wasn't freaking out.. I was just there, I was just me and I HAD A GREAT TIME.. Granted I had two of the best dates in town.. even if they were a little bit ... late retrieving me. Now. Drum roll please... I have also been sleeping! That is right the Ambien had a weird side effect, it CAUSED insomnia not helped it. Either way since that is going away which is a good thing I am sleepy, not exhausted and miserable, but sleepy like I can lay down to go to sleep and SLEEP! Which is an answer to many many prayers.

Now if I can get to the point I don't feel sleepy I will be in much better shape. I am guessing it takes a bit to get past this point when your body has gone so long without it, but that is ok, that too will subside in it's time. Right now it is about getting the rest I need to feel emotionally better, even after one night of 10 hours of sleep I felt SOOOOOOO much better mentally. I didn't even move that night, I woke up right where I feel asleep and still had my phone in my hand. Now that my friends is exhaustion. I could technically take the day off and go get in the bed and sleep.. like all day. I wonder if that would catch me up? If that would give me that edge of non sleepiness, I'm not sure, but it would however give me an upset boss. We have lots going on at work right now. So a quick nap before church tonight it is.

The bottom line is just getting that sleep, going out with my friends, completing projects has given me hope. I am becoming a new me. A new Re, you know that Re Phoenix person, from out of the ashes. One that can have an agenda, a life, a smile and happiness. I am not saying that it is a snap of the fingers, or a click of the sparkly converse ( I really would like sparkly converse.. do they make those?? Sweet Lord in Heaven they do!!! I must have these I NEED these.. )



Picture
anyway.. back to what I was saying clicking the awesome converse above will not instantly make all right with the world.. I am saying there is hope that one day it will be better, not perfect but better. For almost 8 months and 24 days I have repeatedly said "I'm Ok." "I'm fine" or I am GOING to be ok or fine.. some variation. It was a lie.. I was never ok or fine, I am still not but guess what, I truly believe that I will be for the first time in those months. I feel like there is something lifted off of me, a weight, a force that has been keeping me grounded in hurt and pain, I imagine that when one is as exhausted as I have been you don't have much energy to fight for anything else. I feel a freedom from worrying about being around people who hurt me. A freedom to go out and be me again. A freedom to write what I need to without persecution or snarky comments of "I don't read your stuff". Freedom to realize IT IS YOUR LOSS if you don't accept me for me.. YOURS not mine. Cause me.. I am pretty darn awesome.

As I sat in the doctors office the other day in tears, alone, thinking I should have someone here with me because honestly I am a basket case and I have no business being by myself, it occured to me that I HAVE to do this alone, this is my journey, that doesn't mean there won't be help along the way but the majority of this has to be on me. Think about it, when running a marathon, you have to put in the work, the training, but you have encouragement along the way and a running buddy or two help out, on race day, you have to start and finish alone but you have help along the way, water stations, people cheering, and a whole group of people who love you at the finish line. That is so similar to what this is.This is my journey of grief that I am going to have to carry the weight of mainly myself but I also know that I have friends out there that I can call and say... hey.. can you run a mile with me, I need a bit of help this load is a bit too much for me alone, much like my dates the other night, all I had to do was reach out and there were right there with a helping hand!  It is you guys and the rest of the support that is going to get me to the finish line even though the steps are mine, you all never let me give up, even in the darkest. You all know who you are.. and I LOVE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU... Look how far you have already gotten me!

Now I am going to go out and walk my little guy through the neighborhood in my pajamas and my eeyore robe and slippers.. BECAUSE I CAN!

Love you all!
De's Mommy


0 Comments

Resolutions? No. Goals. 

1/3/2014

5 Comments

 
Picture
No, not a photo of Deanna but of the cake that she made for my dear friend Lisa and I on our last birthday together in 2012. Seemed fitting.
In keeping with goal 4 I am writing this blog and expanding on the goals I have set for myself. These don't have to necessarily have to be 2014 Goals, just goals. Yes I did "borrow" the Goals idea from a good friend, the word Goal just seems more positive than resolution. I would rather have a goal to work towards something, than have to resolve to the fact that I have stunk at something in the past and it needs fixing.. just me.  It took me awhile to put them in words but after leaving The Parsonage's last night after a gathering of some of the God Friends I was feeling lighter and brighter, than I had in days.. if not weeks.. and they came to me.


1. And the largest. Releasing the anger, hurt, and guilt over the losses of 2013. They weren't my fault. They can't be changed.

I lost my daughter, she is in heaven, through no fault of mine or anyone else's.  I also have a tremendous amount of anger and hurt over a lost friendship, guilt not so much. I just need to learn the lessons from it and forget it and let the rest of it go. I have to trust and have faith and let go of the anger, hurt and guilt, these loses happened for reasons I do not understand and I may never understand.  To obtain this goal I will store the happy memories of both my daughter and my friend and cherish them and walk away from the negativity surrounding the loses. As I said this is the largest for me, I have problems letting go now, and when I see things and hear things all of the negative emotions come flooding back. I guess it comes from the depression, my emotions are right at the surface and the slightest thing can cause an emotional meltdown that resembles an atomic bomb.  I need to become more aware that life moves on and bad things will continue to happen, as well as good, and store the good and walk away from the bad.


2. Loving and laughing with my true friends and family more and stop wasting precious time and thoughts on those that don't appreciate me for being me and where I am right now in life. 

Probably the biggest lesson learned in 2013, when life throws us unexpected curve balls, some friends and family just check out. It's ok.. for every one I lost I gained 12. I have never had a bigger support system. People that love me for all of my whackiness and have loved me through the darkest days. Family and friends have stepped out of the fog saying "I have been here all along, just waiting for you to need me." I just couldn't see them through the glare that the true do not have to shine in your eyes to keep your attention. When I started realizing the "falseness of worn out relations" (Thank you REO for that..) I started to see the others.. they were there, but my focus was not on them, I wasted much time and thoughts and tears on people that truly did not deserve them. My friends and family deserve love and laughter and they are to be appreciated, I need to tell and show them more, through my love and laughter.

3. Read more. I have received so many thoughtful books that need to be read.

I have always loved to read. Fiction allows me to escape to a place far far away. I know I sound like some weird kids movie, but it truly does. When I need a break from reality a good book is the best way for me to find it. Unfortunately, it has been very hard to concentrate on written words lately. My goal is to retrieve that love and passion and to also devour the precious words that so many thoughtful people have sent me in the last 8 months. The stack of books is a bit overwhelming but at the same time much needed. They are words of hope, strength, faith and love. I have books that De read I want to read, I want my eyes to fall on the same words hers did, I hope to feel the same feelings she did as she fell in the mystical worlds printed on the pages. Also, according to Drake's disappointment last night as I opened yet another precious gift from a friend and he realized it was not what he thought, I have a book on the way in the mail from my boys.

4. Write more. I have been so down that writing anything more than 160 characters at a time seemed exhausting.

Much to some peoples amazement (or disdain depending on who you are)
my thoughts and feelings come out in written word better than any other way. Over the last month that has been mainly as a multitude of Facebook statuses. I have not had it in me to write about what Christmas and New Year was doing to me in any other format. I still have not really told anyone even through there, maybe I will one day, maybe I won't.  The point is I need to start utilizing my ability for the positive, to help stay on track, on the right path for healing, to help others get through the darkness, and to spread Deanna's legacy. I have more in me than a Facebook status, but the truth remains that you can learn lots about me through those.  Facebook status updates became my cry for help over the last 8 months, and so many did things they were not even aware of through out that time, right up to saving my life. To those of you.. I thank you.

5. Continue my growth in church, with my God Friends and the Bible.

One good thing that the accident did do was lead me back to church. Yes I agree it could have gone a completely different direction, but thank God it didn't. My God friends didn't give up on me going back, and would gently nudge me back in the right direction, that is until Brant couldn't take it anymore and decided that he would give me an ultimatum.. Go to Monday night services after bootcamp or he was going to take me kicking and screaming. Best threat of violence ever.
I went back to the same thing I left, crying through 90% of the service and gradually that decreased, now sometimes I make it the whole way through. However, the tears it brings are worth it to compared to the Love I receive from my Church family and God Friends. Even the hurt doesn't hurt so bad when I am there. The atmosphere is almost electrical, you can feel the love surround you. To me.. that is God.

6. Work harder on being healthier.

Notice I did not say to lose XXX pounds or Run ABC miles. I am not completely stupid. That would be a failure waiting to happen at this juncture in my life, kinda like the 100 mile challenge that is still on my to do list. Right now walking 3 miles is more than I have been doing. It is difficult to hop out of the pit of depression and be at a class on time, or get up at 430 am when you only sleep 4 hours a day and two of them are from 3 to 5. Or even to have the energy to fix a healthy meal. Yes DEPRESSION SUCKS and it effects more than just your mood. So my goal, work on being healthier, turn anger into walks or mitts sessions with a friend, turn tears into chopping onions for a healthy meal I mean you are going to cry away right?
Try to fix my sleeping habits that over the last month have gotten increasingly worse. Nothing like physical exhaustion due to lack of sleep on top of emotional exhaustion from depression to make you want to hide under a warm blankie with your puppy by your side 24/7.  This has to change, the hardest part is figuring out how. All of these pieces are entangled so deeply that it will take awhile to figure out, the first step is coming. Tomorrow morning at 9:30 I am meeting some great friends for a slow 3 miler. Hey it is a plan and it is a start.. I know I can do this even if I am exhausted. I miss bootcamp and the family it provided, my goal is to one day be healthy enough physically and emotionally to go back.

7. Live.

I am not sure what to even say about this except when Deanna died a large part of me died as well. Who I was changed forever. That me is gone, she won't ever be back, but in reality isn't each yesterday a changer of who we are that we can never return to? For 8 months I have survived, but not lived, I have taken in air but not breathed, I have heard but not listened, I have seen but not taken in.. it is time to stop walking around in the shadows of who I was and learn to live as who I am. Out of the ashes will rise a new Re... a Phoenix.


So there you have it my goals...
Thank you all for taking your time to read my blog, support me on this journey, sending thoughts and prayers.
I believe that 2014 will be a year of blessings for my friends and family.
Much Love to you all.
De's Mommy
5 Comments

        Author

    De's Mommy
    Re
    Ann Marie
    Rhiannon Phoenix Mariah Dawn
    President of the Pro Bailers

    All of them are me!

    Blogs I Love!

    Life in Mathews
    Living in the Shadow
    Fosterhood in NYC
    Post Secret
    Hyperbole and a Half
    The Bloggess

    Archives

    January 2022
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    April 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    May 2019
    April 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    October 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    September 2015
    July 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    November 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013

    Categories

    All
    #anger
    #bootcamp
    #deannahug
    #givelivehug
    #grief
    #looneytoons
    #onesaved
    #shame

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.