No, not a photo of Deanna but of the cake that she made for my dear friend Lisa and I on our last birthday together in 2012. Seemed fitting.
In keeping with goal 4 I am writing this blog and expanding on the goals I have set for myself. These don't have to necessarily have to be 2014 Goals, just goals. Yes I did "borrow" the Goals idea from a good friend, the word Goal just seems more positive than resolution. I would rather have a goal to work towards something, than have to resolve to the fact that I have stunk at something in the past and it needs fixing.. just me. It took me awhile to put them in words but after leaving The Parsonage's last night after a gathering of some of the God Friends I was feeling lighter and brighter, than I had in days.. if not weeks.. and they came to me.
1. And the largest. Releasing the anger, hurt, and guilt over the losses of 2013. They weren't my fault. They can't be changed.
I lost my daughter, she is in heaven, through no fault of mine or anyone else's. I also have a tremendous amount of anger and hurt over a lost friendship, guilt not so much. I just need to learn the lessons from it and forget it and let the rest of it go. I have to trust and have faith and let go of the anger, hurt and guilt, these loses happened for reasons I do not understand and I may never understand. To obtain this goal I will store the happy memories of both my daughter and my friend and cherish them and walk away from the negativity surrounding the loses. As I said this is the largest for me, I have problems letting go now, and when I see things and hear things all of the negative emotions come flooding back. I guess it comes from the depression, my emotions are right at the surface and the slightest thing can cause an emotional meltdown that resembles an atomic bomb. I need to become more aware that life moves on and bad things will continue to happen, as well as good, and store the good and walk away from the bad.
2. Loving and laughing with my true friends and family more and stop wasting precious time and thoughts on those that don't appreciate me for being me and where I am right now in life.
Probably the biggest lesson learned in 2013, when life throws us unexpected curve balls, some friends and family just check out. It's ok.. for every one I lost I gained 12. I have never had a bigger support system. People that love me for all of my whackiness and have loved me through the darkest days. Family and friends have stepped out of the fog saying "I have been here all along, just waiting for you to need me." I just couldn't see them through the glare that the true do not have to shine in your eyes to keep your attention. When I started realizing the "falseness of worn out relations" (Thank you REO for that..) I started to see the others.. they were there, but my focus was not on them, I wasted much time and thoughts and tears on people that truly did not deserve them. My friends and family deserve love and laughter and they are to be appreciated, I need to tell and show them more, through my love and laughter.
3. Read more. I have received so many thoughtful books that need to be read.
I have always loved to read. Fiction allows me to escape to a place far far away. I know I sound like some weird kids movie, but it truly does. When I need a break from reality a good book is the best way for me to find it. Unfortunately, it has been very hard to concentrate on written words lately. My goal is to retrieve that love and passion and to also devour the precious words that so many thoughtful people have sent me in the last 8 months. The stack of books is a bit overwhelming but at the same time much needed. They are words of hope, strength, faith and love. I have books that De read I want to read, I want my eyes to fall on the same words hers did, I hope to feel the same feelings she did as she fell in the mystical worlds printed on the pages. Also, according to Drake's disappointment last night as I opened yet another precious gift from a friend and he realized it was not what he thought, I have a book on the way in the mail from my boys.
4. Write more. I have been so down that writing anything more than 160 characters at a time seemed exhausting.
Much to some peoples amazement (or disdain depending on who you are) my thoughts and feelings come out in written word better than any other way. Over the last month that has been mainly as a multitude of Facebook statuses. I have not had it in me to write about what Christmas and New Year was doing to me in any other format. I still have not really told anyone even through there, maybe I will one day, maybe I won't. The point is I need to start utilizing my ability for the positive, to help stay on track, on the right path for healing, to help others get through the darkness, and to spread Deanna's legacy. I have more in me than a Facebook status, but the truth remains that you can learn lots about me through those. Facebook status updates became my cry for help over the last 8 months, and so many did things they were not even aware of through out that time, right up to saving my life. To those of you.. I thank you.
5. Continue my growth in church, with my God Friends and the Bible.
One good thing that the accident did do was lead me back to church. Yes I agree it could have gone a completely different direction, but thank God it didn't. My God friends didn't give up on me going back, and would gently nudge me back in the right direction, that is until Brant couldn't take it anymore and decided that he would give me an ultimatum.. Go to Monday night services after bootcamp or he was going to take me kicking and screaming. Best threat of violence ever. I went back to the same thing I left, crying through 90% of the service and gradually that decreased, now sometimes I make it the whole way through. However, the tears it brings are worth it to compared to the Love I receive from my Church family and God Friends. Even the hurt doesn't hurt so bad when I am there. The atmosphere is almost electrical, you can feel the love surround you. To me.. that is God.
6. Work harder on being healthier.
Notice I did not say to lose XXX pounds or Run ABC miles. I am not completely stupid. That would be a failure waiting to happen at this juncture in my life, kinda like the 100 mile challenge that is still on my to do list. Right now walking 3 miles is more than I have been doing. It is difficult to hop out of the pit of depression and be at a class on time, or get up at 430 am when you only sleep 4 hours a day and two of them are from 3 to 5. Or even to have the energy to fix a healthy meal. Yes DEPRESSION SUCKS and it effects more than just your mood. So my goal, work on being healthier, turn anger into walks or mitts sessions with a friend, turn tears into chopping onions for a healthy meal I mean you are going to cry away right? Try to fix my sleeping habits that over the last month have gotten increasingly worse. Nothing like physical exhaustion due to lack of sleep on top of emotional exhaustion from depression to make you want to hide under a warm blankie with your puppy by your side 24/7. This has to change, the hardest part is figuring out how. All of these pieces are entangled so deeply that it will take awhile to figure out, the first step is coming. Tomorrow morning at 9:30 I am meeting some great friends for a slow 3 miler. Hey it is a plan and it is a start.. I know I can do this even if I am exhausted. I miss bootcamp and the family it provided, my goal is to one day be healthy enough physically and emotionally to go back.
7. Live.
I am not sure what to even say about this except when Deanna died a large part of me died as well. Who I was changed forever. That me is gone, she won't ever be back, but in reality isn't each yesterday a changer of who we are that we can never return to? For 8 months I have survived, but not lived, I have taken in air but not breathed, I have heard but not listened, I have seen but not taken in.. it is time to stop walking around in the shadows of who I was and learn to live as who I am. Out of the ashes will rise a new Re... a Phoenix.
So there you have it my goals...
Thank you all for taking your time to read my blog, support me on this journey, sending thoughts and prayers.
I believe that 2014 will be a year of blessings for my friends and family.
Much Love to you all.
De's Mommy
1. And the largest. Releasing the anger, hurt, and guilt over the losses of 2013. They weren't my fault. They can't be changed.
I lost my daughter, she is in heaven, through no fault of mine or anyone else's. I also have a tremendous amount of anger and hurt over a lost friendship, guilt not so much. I just need to learn the lessons from it and forget it and let the rest of it go. I have to trust and have faith and let go of the anger, hurt and guilt, these loses happened for reasons I do not understand and I may never understand. To obtain this goal I will store the happy memories of both my daughter and my friend and cherish them and walk away from the negativity surrounding the loses. As I said this is the largest for me, I have problems letting go now, and when I see things and hear things all of the negative emotions come flooding back. I guess it comes from the depression, my emotions are right at the surface and the slightest thing can cause an emotional meltdown that resembles an atomic bomb. I need to become more aware that life moves on and bad things will continue to happen, as well as good, and store the good and walk away from the bad.
2. Loving and laughing with my true friends and family more and stop wasting precious time and thoughts on those that don't appreciate me for being me and where I am right now in life.
Probably the biggest lesson learned in 2013, when life throws us unexpected curve balls, some friends and family just check out. It's ok.. for every one I lost I gained 12. I have never had a bigger support system. People that love me for all of my whackiness and have loved me through the darkest days. Family and friends have stepped out of the fog saying "I have been here all along, just waiting for you to need me." I just couldn't see them through the glare that the true do not have to shine in your eyes to keep your attention. When I started realizing the "falseness of worn out relations" (Thank you REO for that..) I started to see the others.. they were there, but my focus was not on them, I wasted much time and thoughts and tears on people that truly did not deserve them. My friends and family deserve love and laughter and they are to be appreciated, I need to tell and show them more, through my love and laughter.
3. Read more. I have received so many thoughtful books that need to be read.
I have always loved to read. Fiction allows me to escape to a place far far away. I know I sound like some weird kids movie, but it truly does. When I need a break from reality a good book is the best way for me to find it. Unfortunately, it has been very hard to concentrate on written words lately. My goal is to retrieve that love and passion and to also devour the precious words that so many thoughtful people have sent me in the last 8 months. The stack of books is a bit overwhelming but at the same time much needed. They are words of hope, strength, faith and love. I have books that De read I want to read, I want my eyes to fall on the same words hers did, I hope to feel the same feelings she did as she fell in the mystical worlds printed on the pages. Also, according to Drake's disappointment last night as I opened yet another precious gift from a friend and he realized it was not what he thought, I have a book on the way in the mail from my boys.
4. Write more. I have been so down that writing anything more than 160 characters at a time seemed exhausting.
Much to some peoples amazement (or disdain depending on who you are) my thoughts and feelings come out in written word better than any other way. Over the last month that has been mainly as a multitude of Facebook statuses. I have not had it in me to write about what Christmas and New Year was doing to me in any other format. I still have not really told anyone even through there, maybe I will one day, maybe I won't. The point is I need to start utilizing my ability for the positive, to help stay on track, on the right path for healing, to help others get through the darkness, and to spread Deanna's legacy. I have more in me than a Facebook status, but the truth remains that you can learn lots about me through those. Facebook status updates became my cry for help over the last 8 months, and so many did things they were not even aware of through out that time, right up to saving my life. To those of you.. I thank you.
5. Continue my growth in church, with my God Friends and the Bible.
One good thing that the accident did do was lead me back to church. Yes I agree it could have gone a completely different direction, but thank God it didn't. My God friends didn't give up on me going back, and would gently nudge me back in the right direction, that is until Brant couldn't take it anymore and decided that he would give me an ultimatum.. Go to Monday night services after bootcamp or he was going to take me kicking and screaming. Best threat of violence ever. I went back to the same thing I left, crying through 90% of the service and gradually that decreased, now sometimes I make it the whole way through. However, the tears it brings are worth it to compared to the Love I receive from my Church family and God Friends. Even the hurt doesn't hurt so bad when I am there. The atmosphere is almost electrical, you can feel the love surround you. To me.. that is God.
6. Work harder on being healthier.
Notice I did not say to lose XXX pounds or Run ABC miles. I am not completely stupid. That would be a failure waiting to happen at this juncture in my life, kinda like the 100 mile challenge that is still on my to do list. Right now walking 3 miles is more than I have been doing. It is difficult to hop out of the pit of depression and be at a class on time, or get up at 430 am when you only sleep 4 hours a day and two of them are from 3 to 5. Or even to have the energy to fix a healthy meal. Yes DEPRESSION SUCKS and it effects more than just your mood. So my goal, work on being healthier, turn anger into walks or mitts sessions with a friend, turn tears into chopping onions for a healthy meal I mean you are going to cry away right? Try to fix my sleeping habits that over the last month have gotten increasingly worse. Nothing like physical exhaustion due to lack of sleep on top of emotional exhaustion from depression to make you want to hide under a warm blankie with your puppy by your side 24/7. This has to change, the hardest part is figuring out how. All of these pieces are entangled so deeply that it will take awhile to figure out, the first step is coming. Tomorrow morning at 9:30 I am meeting some great friends for a slow 3 miler. Hey it is a plan and it is a start.. I know I can do this even if I am exhausted. I miss bootcamp and the family it provided, my goal is to one day be healthy enough physically and emotionally to go back.
7. Live.
I am not sure what to even say about this except when Deanna died a large part of me died as well. Who I was changed forever. That me is gone, she won't ever be back, but in reality isn't each yesterday a changer of who we are that we can never return to? For 8 months I have survived, but not lived, I have taken in air but not breathed, I have heard but not listened, I have seen but not taken in.. it is time to stop walking around in the shadows of who I was and learn to live as who I am. Out of the ashes will rise a new Re... a Phoenix.
So there you have it my goals...
Thank you all for taking your time to read my blog, support me on this journey, sending thoughts and prayers.
I believe that 2014 will be a year of blessings for my friends and family.
Much Love to you all.
De's Mommy
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