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Dragonflies and Feathers

6/27/2013

I have been promising this post for awhile now.. I didn't get to it. I kept putting it off. I don't know why I just did. Today is one of the days that I am just sad. Wishing I could talk to De and actually hear her voice, hear her response, hear her say "oh Mommy stop being so sad." I won't ever hear those words again, not in any earthly sense.

Yesterday was a really rough day at work, I was already upset over some other things in life, but something happened that was not fair to me at all, and I just broke. I cried.. I sobbed... (I work from home so it isn't like my co workers even knew) and moments later I felt arms wrap around me and Drake saying.. "Mom please don't cry it will be ok" Oddly enough, 2 months ago he wouldn't have done that, Drake is a good kid but Deanna was the affectionate one, the hugger, the "It's going to be ok" one, the one that was going to do something silly to make you smile or feel better. Drake was more the "OH LAWD It's a crier, Ain't nobody got time for that!" and run the other direction. Dustin is the very matter a fact one. David will do anything to make you smile through your tears and Lil Dustin.. he is in heaven hugging his sister. My point with this is there has been a shift in Drake, I think that although he is obviously getting older, he is also maturing quicker because he has a role to fill that he didn't have before. He has to be the one to make sure Mom is ok, he has to be the one that hugs me and tells me it is going to be ok now, he has taken on part of the role his sister played and was in my life. So even in day to day activities I see signs of De through Drake, her cat that refuses to leave me alone, and other little things.

Two of my biggest signs were the feathers that I told you about in my last blog post and the dragonfly that landed on my finger and took a ride with Betsy and I for a mile walk down the beach. I know she is here and all around and trying to protect me and doesn't want me sad, but it seems that no matter where I turn these days there is sadness, heartache, and just one more stumbling block, from work, to friends, to running... just everything seems to be falling apart and into more pieces that are just slowly sifting through my fingers and I am never going to be able to put it all back together again.

But I did promise you the story of why the Dragonflies and Feathers mean so much.. so here it is.

Dragonflies have traditionally been one of a select few creatures that have been known to carry a deceased person’s energy (soul) to their loved ones. Contact from one of these simple, yet splendid creatures brings peace to a grieving soul. A light touch reminds us that our loved ones are never that far away, even after death. They also teach us about the brevity of life, as most butterflies live a few hours to a few days. The same is true of the Dragonfly which lives up to a few short months. They also remind us of the beauty within that brevity. For beyond what we cannot see lies beauty as well.

Feathers? If you look above in the photos, there is a little poem that my Aunt Ann mailed to me in a beautiful card, Thank you so much for that. While I cried and cried, I knew that those particular feathers were sent straight to me from De. Aunt Ann I love you and thank you for every moment you have spent trying to help get me through this. I will get there.. just not sure when.

In closing today... I ask that you look around you and be blessed with your life, your friends, your family, your job... it could all change in a blink of an eye.

Much Love to you,
De's Mommy

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The tears I cry aren't tears of pain.... They are all to hide my guilt and shame....

6/24/2013

4 Comments

I told you song lyrics hit me at times... and that is just the way I felt this morning, granted yes there is pain in there too but the words worked.

This weekend was beautiful and wonderful... I had no solid plans, it was a do whatever whenever weekend with the exception of finishing up some work Friday morning. I spent time with my Mom, my Dad, Ed, Drake and Mariah... I stayed close to the house except for when out on the boat, I learned to paddle board.

I mean I really learned which means I don't fall off every 2 minutes, I stay on as long as I want to stay on and hop off when I am ready. I paddled with dolphin, was in clear enough water to see sting ray, crabs, and fish. I padded from the Horn Harbor 8 Channel marker all the way into Sand Bank and talked to my dad.. yes paddled all the way in and stood on the beach and spoke to him. I then turned around and paddled all the way back out to the boat, not sitting down, or falling once, standing the whole time. My fear of falling left me, I believe after the second time of falling and completely smashing my left boob, by the way if you want a cheap boob job smash them on a SUP a couple of times, you will be amazed at the size difference, I would offer a suggestion of banging them both not just one as my bathing suit didn't quite work right the next day. (PS Ed... he hopped on the thing and took off like he was walking on water.. which was crazy! He had to wait for hours to see me stand up on it.. I had to wait for days to finally see him fall off! Talk about a natural! We have decided that it would be fun to have a kayak paddle on the days that it is just a bit too rough to stand up you can still go out and enjoy the board.. I think that will be the next purchase to have with us, and trust me I would feel LOTS BETTER on my butt on the thing in the creek.. sorry creek mud FREAKS ME OUT!!!!)

I saw my Stephie for a few minutes Saturday morning as we grabbed a quick breakfast to head out on the boat as the weather was to turn bad Saturday afternoon by 1, I think we left at 330 and if we had taken food I doubt we would have left then, it was a beautiful calm day it was just Ed and I. He clammed I paddled, Just the perfect relaxing day... After getting in Mariah and I went to see De and Mariah had her a beautiful blue butterfly, and I wanted to wish Memo a happy birthday while we were there. Shortly after getting back to the house I completely CRASHED... I was exhausted, I feel bad because we were semi making plans with friends and I screwed those all up and Daddy was waiting on dinner with us because I hadn't been able to get in touch with him... (note to self: when half asleep.. say so.. dont' try to make plans it doesn't work out well because then you COMPLETELY crash) When I finally woke up, I realized how much sun I had .. oppsie. Guess that nap I took on the board wasn't the best idea in the world, having a guy that comes up with amazing idea's like an anchor and a buoy for your board so you can just float is amazing though I must say.. not sure what exactly I would do without him.

One of the most precious moments of both days paddling I found feathers, one brown and white and one the most silvery brownish tan you ever did see. They say that the feathers from our angels in heaven are supposed to pure white, they are a group of they's that don't always agree with the other they's so I am not too concerned about it. But as I sat on the deck pondering why my feathers weren't pure white and was I reading too much into it them, was I searching for signs of De that weren't really there.. I heard in my head... "they are brown... like me!"

I ask no one to please take offense to the following story I am about to relay as it involves an old dude and a 3 year old little girl who didn't understand, a very open minded black lady and a 25 year old me, who was probably hung over. My Daddy, instead of buying the kids Christmas presents when they were little, and getting them things they didn't want or need, would take them the day after Christmas (yes he would fight that mess) shopping, we made a big deal out of it would all go as a family and just have fun. The one Christmas when Deanna was almost 3, she comes up to my Daddy with a baby doll, the box was about as big as she was, she was such a tiny little bird. "I got mine" She exclaimed, Daddy replied "All right Sis! Let's see what you got".. De fumbles with the big box and finally gets it turned around so Daddy can see and low and behold there stands De with a little black baby doll.... the confusion on my Daddy's face was priceless, him saying "oh Sis.. you got the wrong baby, that one is the wrong color" and De FIRMLY saying.. "No.. this one is BROWN LIKE ME!" (De had beautifully tan dark skin) it was all just too much for the black lady witnessing this.. and well me too... she started giggling.. I started giggling and Daddy is trying to convince a very stubborn almost 3 year old that the baby she is holding isn't brown like her it is a different brown... Not to De it wasn't! So the other night as I was pondering the colors of the feathers I found and a tad upset they weren't the "pure white" that others have claimed are the ones from angels.. I heard in my head just as if she was saying it.... "Mommy... they are brown.. like me." I am confident that De sent the feathers... they were signs from her saying "Mom.. you were right the paddle board IS where you will feel peace, is where you will talk to me when you get the hang of it, is where you will swim with the dolphins and smile..." Her messages to me are all around I see them sometimes.. sometimes I don't but I know they are there.

Yesterday morning I awoke to the sad news of a dear friends passing, he was ill and would not have gotten any better than he was at the time of his death, but it is still an emotional thing, as you always hold on to hope they would find a cure, a medicine, anything to return him to the former strong healthy man he was. I thought about it awhile and thought about him walking up to De saying.. "Hey.. I know your mom and grandaddy." Those are the strange things that give me comfort about her not being here with me, the people that she is there with. On Saturday it was my Memo's birthday and Aunt Ann and I discussed what a wonderful feast they must be having in celebration, that made me feel better, that I knew De would be with Memo who I still hear in my head as if she is truly saying it.. "Oh look here she comes!" I have head this since April 20th.... that has to mean something. While I don't want anyone to die.... the people that have gone on before De... they make me comfortable, knowing that she is being taken care of, that she isn't lonely or wishing she were here with us.

As you can see from my post.. I had beautiful, relaxing weekend, filled with happy moments, and a few sad spots, but mostly peaceful. I made the drive home without incident, and unpacked and sat down to relax... that is when the feelings of guilt and sadness and unease hit. How could I have had a "good" weekend, how could I have been at peace, how could I have been proud of myself for learning something new, how could I have allowed myself to learn something that De will never get a chance to, to do things that she will never be able to do again? Maybe that is why I am having a hard time going out with my friends like I used to, maybe that is why bootcamp is just so hard to get to, maybe that is why running means nothing to me now when it used to make me so proud to finish, maybe that is why the happy moments turn to sadness, regret, guilt, and shame. How dare I go on, when my child cant, when my child will never complete these things or do these things, or conquer another bootcamp or 5k. How can I do these and possibly be ok with it?!!? I had THREE ok days in a row.. THREE.. how dare I! What is wrong with me.. I just lost my child, my baby.. and I had three ok days in a row. I didn't break down in a sobbing mess when I found the feather.. I didn't cry yourself to sleep after a good day... I woke up and was ready to tackle the board again and were actually EXCITED to spend the day on the water and with Ed.. WTHeck is WRONG WITH ME!

That is me.. in my brain.. that is how I feel when I enjoy myself.. that is how I feel after a job well done at bootcamp.. or a run.. or a paddle board.. or a nice meal! Ten thousand people can say, it is ok to be happy, it is OK to enjoy yourself, she would want that.. the words don't stop my heart from being crushed on every mile stone that they will never reach, the babies they will never have, the wedding we won't plan, the miles they won't run, the dates, the jobs, the ... everything. Every little thing I do new, or accomplish comes right back as a huge kick in the gut of all the things that my sweet babies won't be doing... Lil Dustin included.. How can this world just be so cruel.. how can I enjoy these things? How will I ever be able to be at peace enough to lay down at night and just go to sleep without a TV or something playing... just so my brain does not replay the video of the accident again and again trying to comprehend what exactly happened.

As of yet I haven't found a way to fix this.. or remedy it, maybe the remedy is to just keep going.. and maybe next time it will be four "ok" days in a row.. then 5.. 6... maybe that is the key.. I don't know. People ask me all the time how I am... I still say the same thing.. standing, because there is no other answer.. I am not ok.. I am not no ok.. I just am.

In closing today.. I remind you that time is not promised, if there is something you want to do, need to say, do it.. TODAY.
Much love to you all,
De's Mommy

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Lyrics...

6/18/2013

3 Comments

I get songs... stuck in my head... today's words hauntingly familiar and increasing sad.

This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes...again
~ The Doors

While I believe I WILL see her again it won't be here, not on this earth, not in this hell. It will be somewhere beautiful and peaceful and happy. This place I live in now is none of those things. While I can be content with breathing, I can't be truly happy, while I can be quiet, I can't be completely peaceful, and don't even get me started on the beauty of this place... have you turned on the news lately, talk about UGLY.

While talking with some friends last night, a question was asked, kind of out of humor, kind of out of seriousness, the question "Have you ever felt suicidal?" (the point was that we have all not wanted to be here at some point in our life) my response was an honest one. "Well not in the last 5 minutes." Personally who would want t live in this hell?? Really? People talk about the beautiful paradise that Deanna and Dustin are in, while I am stuck here struggling trying to figure out why plans are canceled, how I am going to pay the rent, how I am going to get out of bed and act like there is nothing wrong. No.. I don't want to be here. I want to be in paradise too! But for some reason I am still here... I don't know what my purpose is or how I am going to get through the rest of my days when there truly is no more Deanna. Graduation was the end. No more planned events, no more milestones, I am hung up on this I realize and I apologize.

Before you all go running off calling people and 911, and the dudes in white coats, I am not doing anything stupid I am just writing about my feelings so take a chill pill. I have something keeping me here, this horrible feeling I deal with daily, this gut wrenching, heart breaking, body pounding feeling, keeps me here. There is no way I would ever want my parents to feel THIS. It pains me that so many people I know feel THIS... this end. I truly have no idea how I am going to make it through this hell until it is time for my end... but I am trying. I just put one foot in front of the other, and pray that I don't fall down on the next step.

Let me talk a little bit about graduation, I attended with my Daddy, I cried through about the whole thing, I clapped at times, I was very proud of Mariah, Shanen, and Scott as they walked across the stage, thrilled when I saw Mariah realize that she received the scholarship in Deanna's memory, but I was completely over come with emotion as when they called Deanna's name, after a split second of silence there was applause, and then the entire audience was standing, applauding my angel for her short life, and her classmates for having the courage and love to include her in the ceremony. It was a very emotional moment and while I could not make myself stand the feeling of love was overwhelming, and then just a few short seconds later to have the whole process repeated for Scott. I appreciate how this was handled, it was much better than a moment of silence, it was a truly testimony to two great kids who left us way too soon.

I wish I could come up with some way to ... feel better... to make sense of this... to make it real so I can start healing. I am not in denial, I KNOW the truth... I am refusing to live in the reality of now, the reality of in just a few short days my beautiful girl will have been gone for 2 months. I still packed away my winter clothes and hung the ones of hers that I have, and made room for the others that I have not gotten yet. I made her bed and hung her robe on the bed post and put her Eeyore slippers by the side, I put her favorite books on a shelf, as if when she gets bored she is going to grab one. I am having her missing classring replaced as if she will ever where it. Some days I think I have gone crazy and just waiting on her to physically walk through the door and it all be ok, other days I KNOW I have gone crazy and just completely know she is in Mathews, that she just isn't here in the house, that she is out doing something, eating at Chic fil a or getting her nails done.

All I can ask is that everyone be patient, because I AM sad, there is not just stopping it, there is no just "getting over it" I can't help that it isn't doing anyone any good with my sadness, I can't help that me being sad wont' change anything, I realize that, but being happy and faking joy isn't really doing anyone any good either at the moment.

So I am going to close today, in a bit of sadness, as I missed Deanna coming through the door at 7:15 am as she got off work, talking about the idiot tourist that came in drunk, or the kids she worked with that knew zero English and how they had to communicate. I missed the "I am going to bed now Mommy I love you" I miss Banx laying at her closed door knowing she is in there snuggling with the cat and jealous as all get out. So today... I ask you... tell someone you love them, even if you are scared, even if you never have before, even if they are left speechless, if you love them tell them, you don't know when you might the one missing something as simple as a pair of work shoes left in front of the door.

"I love you my sweet angels... and my love flies to you on the wings of angels... hold each other close."

Much Love
De's Mommy

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Exhaustion... Frustration... Confusion...

6/12/2013

7 Comments

I will admit this is exactly what I have looked like a LOT of the hours this week that I have not been working. Just dozing, laying on the sofa with no will to even really sit up. (Even when I did sit up I feel asleep anyway, ask Amanda she caught me). I just don't know if it is actual exhaustion or depression or both!

Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am, that they would be in a pile, in the bed, in the nut house, trust me, I am not far from it. I function that is it, and some times I don't do that well. Three times now I have stood in the bathroom staring at the faucet quizzically as to why the water is still running, AFTER I turned OFF the LIGHT SWITCH. Three times. There is seriously something not quite right here.

Some days, I am starving, others days food is the last thing I want to see. I have watched so many episodes of Hell's Kitchen with Amanda in the last month that if you did make me food you may get a response of something like "You can't even cook a decent risotto you stupid doughnut!" (actual line.. seriously.. he called a dude a stupid doughnut and not that anyone would be cooking me risotto except Amanda and hers was perfect) Point is I LOVE food.. hello look at me I didn't get this size because I was fond of lettuce and celery. So it is just one more thing that makes me feel like, not me.

One of the things that I decided to do was purchase a SUP (Stand up paddle board) it wasn't a decision I made on a whim, or lightly, as they are not exactly cheap. It was something that I have been looking at for well over a year now and I thought the silent solitude of the ocean or bay or ditch would give me time with out the buzz of society in my head and I would feel closer to De. (yes I seriously had that thought as I was watching people on them two weeks ago... a thought bubble popped above my head that said "THAT is where you will feel closer!" When I was picking out my board, I purchased one that Drake and I could both use, or anyone else really that visits this summer (not that I am ever actually here on the weekends, but I can take it to Mathews with me and I happen to know a dock I can hop right off of... please lord don't let me fall in that mud). I picked up my beautiful new board, I have named her Sunshine, she is bright and yellow and I promptly walked her to my sisters house and left. That exhausted... anyone that knows me knows I would have marched that board right down to the ocean in 10 foot waves and tried it. I knew I was too tired, too tired to fight to stand up on the ground much less a board on the water. Again yesterday I said I was going to go, I was going to give it a try, work ended and I sat down on the sofa and promptly went to sleep. NOT ME. Not strong.. weak. Fearful of not making a connection, fearful of being too tired to get the board to the beach, fearful of failing.

I haven't been running, just a tiny bit here and there, yes I have a blister on my foot right now, but it is bootcampable, the only person I am failing is myself, no one else is going to force me to get out there and do it, it doesn't matter if I show or not, the work out goes on. I am the only one that I am cheating, but at 6:20 when my clock goes off I am DRAGGING myself out of bed just to get Drake to school at 7 for football practice, I don't know how to get up at 4:30 and even function. Again, not strong, not me. The day that my daughter died, part of me died, the strong part, the unbeatable part. I wish there was some kind of magic pill, or magic words, or magic wand that would just give me my life back, but without bringing her back my life with never ever be the same and I have yet to manage to find a new normal.

I haven't done simple things that should have been done, thank you notes, I start, I cry. What do you say.. how do you write thank you for the flower without wishing you didn't have a reason FOR the flowers. I lash out over semantics of communication in email or voice, some things require a phone call.. others the only way I can discuss it is via email. I am all over the board and it is hard to tell what you might get when you contact me. I get upset when I do reach out and get no response, and sometimes there is too much coming in.

In case you are wondering what this post is about... I don't know I couldn't tell you.. it is just words in my head that need to come out. I feel like a failure, as a mother, as a friend, as a daughter, as a runner, as a bootcamper, as a girlfriend, and as a human, so many people have said I shouldn't feel that way, that I did the best I could, that I am being to hard on myself. Funny little tidbit one of the people that repeatedly has told me that I am being too hard on myself was one of the biggest contributors to my feelings of inadequacy about myself and even now continues. I can't understand why I am still here and my beautiful daughter isn't. I can't MAKE myself understand that until I met her in heaven I will never hear her laugh or her voice. If I was such a crappy mom and person why was I left here, why was she taken???

I am going to end this post now because it is just getting more and more rambly and doesn't mean much of anything other than a complete brain dump of thoughts that are floating around in my head unconnected.

Live some today, do something silly, do it for De.
Much Love
De's Mommy

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26.2 and a First Place.

6/10/2013

1 Comment

I am not sure what I looked that happy when I laid down Saturday morning but I bet my feet were! After 524 laps around a concrete gym floor and a couple of dances in the middle of that.. well they HURT. I truly believe that it was caused by the constant left turning so I was pushing off on my with my right foot all night long. Either way blisters or not, I did it. I did it for my girl. I did it because if she had been there she would have limped around there with me, she would have laughed and carried on with her friends even though the turn out was not that great (the weather was a great factor... why only three out of 9 teams total showed up .. now that one is beyond me and slightly disappointing) but it is ok.. there was someone on the track all night, the teams there had someone out there and I only left it long enough to put on dry shoes after doing our Bootcamp Lap around the track (Yes Amanda, Drake and I all threw on our Bootcamp Shirts and officially did a bootcamp lap complete with rain, muddle puddles, and mud) and once to grab a bottle of water.. other than that. I didn't stop. Not even to say good bye to people.. I said if you need to hug me.. hug me while I am walking. :) The bottom line is I did it.. I did it for her this year.

I had to speak at the event that night and I don't really remember what I said, I never do! Which is unfortunately because I could be doing REALLY badly and I don't know it. I do remember that I spoke about this:
excerpt from blog post 3 years ago:

As I was laying there just aching I said to her "I don't know what I was thinking trying to walk a marathon." She replied with "Mom you didn't TRY to walk a marathon you DID walk a marathon and you were thinking about each person that you have written there on your legs."

And it was the truth, however, my mind was on my girl Friday night. I carried each person in my life that has battled or is currently battling cancer with me as I made those laps but my heart was heavy without my baby girl there. It was physically and emotionally exhausting! I was very grateful that Anita, Carolyn, Kendra, Angela, Matt, Mariah, Drake, Amanda, and a few others that I am forgetting stuck around to the very end and allowed me to finish my goal. I felt horrible after realizing they were ready to leave and were just waiting on me. Very grateful that Amanda drove home, and that I had a morning I could doze on and off, and spent the rest of my day with two of my favorite people! (I have lots of favorite people... but these two are simply part of the amazing group). Ed took Amanda and I out on the boat for a bit, then we had a nice little round of skip bo. It was relaxing, I needed relaxing!

There is other news, yesterday we traveled to Harborfest via the Melissa Ann with our friends Richard and Missy Moughan and three of the cutest kids you will ever meet. We were in the work boat races, coming in second to my very good buddy Jimmy John. De's Dad ran the race in her memory and came in first...

I know she would have been proud and is singing in heaven that's my Mommy and Daddy!

De's bracelet's came in this weekend and oddly I had just enough with me to hand out to everyone on our boat and Jimmy's yesterday... I was glad I did. It was nice to look over and see them having on her Give Live Hug reminders.

All in all I guess what I am saying is it was a good weekend filled with family and friends, moments of sadness, moments of gladness, moments of OH MAN MY FEET HURT... just a well rounded weekend. I miss my girl like you would not believe, she should have been at those events and not had us have to do them in her memory, but we did and so many people love and miss her.

Maybe the money raised at the Relay will help one more parent not feel this horrible lonely ache for their child.

Today's blog post was brought to you by exhaustion by the way so if it doesn't make much sense I am sorry!
Don't forget your Deanna Hug today!
Much love
De's Mommy

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HUGS....

6/5/2013

4 Comments

Everyone here knows I love a good hug... have all my life. I got that from my Daddy, De got that from me. There is NOTHING more meaningful than a good hug. It can mean, I love you, I care about you, you are in my thoughts, you are my friend, you did a great job, nice to meet you, see you soon.... so many many meanings behind hugs. And more importantly it can mean those things in ANY LANGUAGE! To be quite honest I think a hug is more meaningful and diverse and intimate than a kiss, but that is just me.

Yes I promise I am going somewhere with all this hug talk. Today was National Running Day, for all you non runners out there, Drake, myself and what felt like about 23498237493843 other people met this morning to run a 5k today in honor of it. When I woke up this morning, I knew, the second my feet hit the floor, I knew, it wasn't going to be pretty, but I promised Drake and he hopped right up even though I know he didn't go to bed until 3 am. He was ready and wanted to go, I was not going to disappoint him again. Off we went.

As I pulled in the parking lot, the tightness in the chest started, the fear of getting out of the car, (Drake mind you jumped right out and said SEE YA UP THERE.. now if I can just get him to RUN with that enthusiasm) I sat there for a few minutes just collecting my thoughts, coaxing myself just get out, no one is going to bombard you, just get out, walk over there to the side, Just get out of the #$%@#$$# car you wimp. FINE!!!!! I did, I got out and made my way around to the back side of the crowd and did the little wave to people I know, you know the one, the one that screams "Hi, yes I am here, but PLEASE don't talk to me or I will probably lose my crap and neither of us will know what to do" unfortunately that wave is not as universally known as a hug. Which is ok, I just try to hold my crap together and pretend to be actually there, and participating, and comprehending what is going on around me, when the whole time I am just silently praying for someone to start this run already so I can get behind all these people and they can't see me! My mistake.... I listened to the email, and did what my coaches said and got there at 5:30 which was 30 minutes before start time, bad idea.

I was thankful to see a few people I am close to, I don't need to point out who they are, they probably don't even realize it was them, but they work well as human shields, I have found in the last 45 days that if you engage yourself in conversation, even if it is odd rambling, people are less likely to approach you and if they do it is not at a rapid speed. They tend to wait their turn a little more or for me to turn and approach them. There are a few, however, that take hugs to a whole new level, my daughter was one of those. She would basically run at you full force, throw herself at you, and hug you all the while trying not to knock you both down but if she did oh well she would just laugh at it. I used to be a fan of these hugs, and would laugh, now not so much.

It is one of the things I shy away from, I don't want anything coming at me full speed ahead, I am having a hard enough time STANDING by people, my brain isn't doing well with body flinging. I have had it happen a couple of times, more times than I care for it to happen, and each time it is worse. I see the person coming and my first thought is a nice right round house will stop them, then the next thought is just duck, and then I do the only thing I can. I freeze. I feel badly about this as I know the hug deliverer means no harm and are just delivering love, and maybe it's De's spirit screaming go hug my mommy.. maybe that is why I don't know how to handle it. I don't know. All I know is that I feel the need to scream please stop doing that and I am sorry all at the same time. My fear... that I am going to hurt someone, emotionally by just screaming DON'T or physically by instant reaction of hitting them. I came close to that today and I feel ashamed and embarrassed and at fault because I did not take my medication before going this morning. I haven't run since I have started talking my meds and I wasn't sure WHAT to do but I know one upsets my tummy and the other kind slows me down so I figured just wait til I get home. Little did I know the side effects of NOT talking them first.

Anyway my point of this post is one of information really, I love you, I love you all, I adore you all. I just can't handle you all at one time. I love hugs, I want hugs, I just can't deal with flying leaps that resemble football tackles. I am trying hard to get back to being me, and I hope that one day I can be right in the middle of you all again and I can be the one that runs up behind you and gives you that crazy knock you down hug, today, just isn't that day.

To my human walls. I thank you. I know you have not a clue who you are.. but you did your jobs today well.

So today I ask you... to gently hug someone, make that hug have meaning, let them KNOW just by that hug what your feeling, thinking, just don't knock them down!

Much Love to you all.
De's Mommy

Oh PS Drake and I both finished the 5k.

4 Comments

Walking for De!

6/4/2013

5 Comments

I am having a hard time coming to grips with the truth that my beautiful daughter is gone. I don't think that is any surprise to anyone that knows me, reads my facebook, or my blog. The reality of it just won't or can't set in. Yesterday was one of the really bad days. Nothing would come together, my thoughts, my feelings, my actions, I ended up sleeping most of the evening away just to not have to face any of it.

The next two weekends it will be hitting me head on. The Relay for Life event is this coming Friday night and the following weekend Graduation, both were huge events for her, things that De worked really hard towards.

This coming Friday I will be there at the Mathews Relay Event from start to finish, I will not only be walking for her but also I will be speaking. I would like to ask that anyone in the area to please come out and walk a lap or two with me, just share a story, a hug, or just in silent thought of my beautiful girl. My baby didn't die from cancer but it was a cause that was near and dear to her, a cause instilled in her by Anita and me. She knew and saw first hand the pain that cancer caused, not only to the person with cancer but their families and care givers.

As I was walking Banx this morning, a thought occurred to me, there is no cure for cancer, then I thought of the definition of cancer.

Cancer: The disease caused by an uncontrolled division of abnormal cells in a part of the body.

Is the loss of a child not similar? There is no cure, it is an uncontrolled division created by an abnormal event in a part of your life. Time may be like chemo or radiation, but the loss is forever there, in remission, sneaking up on the carrier with no warning, to throw you back in the throws of the disease over and over, only to have to fight your way out again and again.

I have for years been involved with Relay for Life and the fight against cancer, for family members, friends and strangers. I had no idea that my life, my daughters life, my families life, would take a turn that would turn my fight against the loss of life towards seat belt usage in our youth and nation, but it has. If any of my talks, blogs, cards, dollars, save just one life it is worth it, but if I save one, I will want to save 100, if 100 then 1000.. I think you see where this is going. If there was a way to get The Deanna Hug Project as big as Relay for LIfe you can bet I will spend as much of my time as I can to do it.

This is not how I pictured my life, I pictured Italy and ended up in Holland, so now all I can do is learn the land, the language and the new way of life.

To each of you I wish you a beautiful day, give something today, give a smile, give a second to hold a door, give your child a word of encouragement.

Much Love to you all and I hope to see you Friday night!
De's Mommy

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Counting sheep...

6/3/2013

2 Comments

and quite honestly praying to just not wake up, that is if I could actually just go to sleep. This dozing mess is for the birds. A few minutes here and a few minutes there leads to one very unproductive person. Missed bootcamp, haven't done thank you notes, need pictures for year book, need to clean this house, my yard... and truthfully trying to be some kind of normal person and being happy and doing normal things like sitting on the beach is EXHAUSTING. So please tell me why I can't sleep??

I haven't done the things I said I was going to do, I haven't gotten back into my work out routine, I haven't finished tasks of looking through photos, I know WHERE they are, but there are thousand and by thousands I mean HUNDREDS of thousands. Laundry.. well it is clean it is just all over the place, some in the house, some outside, some in a basket, some not.

THIS IS NOT ME!

I don't leave dishes in the sink, I don't miss bootcamp, I don't lie to my friends saying I am fine, I am ok.

Please don't tell me to pray, I am no good at it.. I ask for God's help to get me through this or to just end it, I have never been one to pray for hours, I don't know how, I don't talk out loud it is in my head. I ask why this is the direction he has taken for my life and how I am supposed to turn this into anything good when all I want is to be GONE. I am here I am doing, I am trying to get her word out, I have things that I want to do and no energy to do them, no time to do them. I have a job, I have to work, by the time that is over I am done for. I wish I had the cash flows not to worry about the light bill next month or how i am going to now pay mortgage and rent because my renter left and to focus my efforts solely on De's project, but it is unrealistic. The only thing that IS REAL right now is nothing is getting done. Nothing.

I ask De to just help me get through another day, I say good morning to her every day and good night to her every night. Hoping to dream of her in between, or that I will just see her. That this pain is over and I am just gone. Yes I do realize how selfish this is and that is not what she would want, or my parents or my boys.. but IT IS HOW I feel. If you don't like that I am sorry.

Shortly after the accident, I was discussing the fact that I was not going to let my life shut down, because De would not have wanted that. I have seen other mothers completely shut everyone out because of the death of one of their children, I said that won't be me. I will keep going. I will be strong. I am not and I am tired of pretending to be. I feel useless and just empty. I don't want to BE anywhere, my work is failing, I can't focus, and I dread Monday's. It's the one day I am alone in the evening. Amanda's night off, I have offers after offers of going out, I don't want to go out, I don't want to see people, I don't even want to put on real clothes, so no thank you. I have always been incredibly independent, and one to do my own thing, one that can figure it out even if the "plans" (which I am horrible at) change or flip around. Now if something doesn't go quite as it was supposed to... it isn't pretty. It leads to me feeling like a bigger failure for days on end.

I don't feel like me, I don't know how to even get back to me. I don't know if I will EVER get back to me.

All I know for a fact is that me and everything around me is falling the heck apart and I have no clue how to stop it.
I am taking the meds, as directed, as I promised, they help me fake it better, because I feel so dang numb and strange that I just can't cry. Then when I do actually doze off, I wake up with my heart pounding, I don't know why, it is some kind of fear, I don't know if I dreaming and don't remember or just am scared period. I have never been one to care about being alone or not... now I care. It totally stinks waking up afraid of absolutely nothing and no idea why you are afraid and being alone. Please don't try to tell me that I am not alone or that I am never alone, that God is with me.. yes maybe so.. but let me tell you that feeling at that moment ALONE!

Before you go jumping to conclusions that I am suicidal I will repeat AGAIN that I am not, I just don't have the desire to live. There is a difference, the act of ending ones life and the thoughts of ending it will make you suicidal, the simple desire to just not be I am finding is a horrible side effect of losing a child. I belong to Grief groups online and I am finding that it is a daily occurrence that one of us, randomly have the days that they just can't anymore. I don't have that financial luxury as I will put it. I have to get up and report to work. When the only thing I want to be doing is speaking to school, youth groups, making flyers, and covers... and make sure that just ONE MORE person gets their Deanna Hug! That just one more parent does not feel this, and then after that one.. another one and another one and another one. My daughter is gone, I can't get her back, but maybe I could save yours for you.

I am not even proof reading this thing today.. so if the words are a jumbled disaster I am sorry.
I am too tired and quite frankly I don't even care.

Just remember as you start your morning.. your week... to get your Deanna Hug.. save your Mom from feeling this way.
Love
De's Mommy

2 Comments

Dragonflies and Feathers

The tears I cry aren't tears of pain.... They are all to hide my guilt and shame....

Lyrics...

Exhaustion... Frustration... Confusion...

26.2 and a First Place.

HUGS....

Walking for De!

Counting sheep...

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