I haven't done the things I said I was going to do, I haven't gotten back into my work out routine, I haven't finished tasks of looking through photos, I know WHERE they are, but there are thousand and by thousands I mean HUNDREDS of thousands. Laundry.. well it is clean it is just all over the place, some in the house, some outside, some in a basket, some not.
THIS IS NOT ME!
I don't leave dishes in the sink, I don't miss bootcamp, I don't lie to my friends saying I am fine, I am ok.
Please don't tell me to pray, I am no good at it.. I ask for God's help to get me through this or to just end it, I have never been one to pray for hours, I don't know how, I don't talk out loud it is in my head. I ask why this is the direction he has taken for my life and how I am supposed to turn this into anything good when all I want is to be GONE. I am here I am doing, I am trying to get her word out, I have things that I want to do and no energy to do them, no time to do them. I have a job, I have to work, by the time that is over I am done for. I wish I had the cash flows not to worry about the light bill next month or how i am going to now pay mortgage and rent because my renter left and to focus my efforts solely on De's project, but it is unrealistic. The only thing that IS REAL right now is nothing is getting done. Nothing.
I ask De to just help me get through another day, I say good morning to her every day and good night to her every night. Hoping to dream of her in between, or that I will just see her. That this pain is over and I am just gone. Yes I do realize how selfish this is and that is not what she would want, or my parents or my boys.. but IT IS HOW I feel. If you don't like that I am sorry.
Shortly after the accident, I was discussing the fact that I was not going to let my life shut down, because De would not have wanted that. I have seen other mothers completely shut everyone out because of the death of one of their children, I said that won't be me. I will keep going. I will be strong. I am not and I am tired of pretending to be. I feel useless and just empty. I don't want to BE anywhere, my work is failing, I can't focus, and I dread Monday's. It's the one day I am alone in the evening. Amanda's night off, I have offers after offers of going out, I don't want to go out, I don't want to see people, I don't even want to put on real clothes, so no thank you. I have always been incredibly independent, and one to do my own thing, one that can figure it out even if the "plans" (which I am horrible at) change or flip around. Now if something doesn't go quite as it was supposed to... it isn't pretty. It leads to me feeling like a bigger failure for days on end.
I don't feel like me, I don't know how to even get back to me. I don't know if I will EVER get back to me.
All I know for a fact is that me and everything around me is falling the heck apart and I have no clue how to stop it.
I am taking the meds, as directed, as I promised, they help me fake it better, because I feel so dang numb and strange that I just can't cry. Then when I do actually doze off, I wake up with my heart pounding, I don't know why, it is some kind of fear, I don't know if I dreaming and don't remember or just am scared period. I have never been one to care about being alone or not... now I care. It totally stinks waking up afraid of absolutely nothing and no idea why you are afraid and being alone. Please don't try to tell me that I am not alone or that I am never alone, that God is with me.. yes maybe so.. but let me tell you that feeling at that moment ALONE!
Before you go jumping to conclusions that I am suicidal I will repeat AGAIN that I am not, I just don't have the desire to live. There is a difference, the act of ending ones life and the thoughts of ending it will make you suicidal, the simple desire to just not be I am finding is a horrible side effect of losing a child. I belong to Grief groups online and I am finding that it is a daily occurrence that one of us, randomly have the days that they just can't anymore. I don't have that financial luxury as I will put it. I have to get up and report to work. When the only thing I want to be doing is speaking to school, youth groups, making flyers, and covers... and make sure that just ONE MORE person gets their Deanna Hug! That just one more parent does not feel this, and then after that one.. another one and another one and another one. My daughter is gone, I can't get her back, but maybe I could save yours for you.
I am not even proof reading this thing today.. so if the words are a jumbled disaster I am sorry.
I am too tired and quite frankly I don't even care.
Just remember as you start your morning.. your week... to get your Deanna Hug.. save your Mom from feeling this way.