Today I can't seem to get by the fact that the last time I saw you .. you hopped out of the jeep after holding a pot of cabbage for miles, (yea I know.. yuck right) we took the long way back to Anita's because silly me took a wrong turn. That's all I remember. I don't remember the last words I said or you said as you got out, I can't even see you getting out of the jeep. I don't know if I said I love you. I don't remember if you leaned in and gave me a hug or not. I just can't remember. The last thing I do remember is saying "Opps I was supposed to turn back there." I don't remember the moments after that or the rest of the trip,  just "Opps I was supposed to turn back there." That was the last time I saw you.

The last time I talked to you I remember the whole conversation. It was a very mature conversation where we discussed options for after the summer. And me stating all the reasons why I thought you staying on here in OBX after the summer was a great option, I knew there were many more opportunities for you here. The problem is I don't remember the end of the conversation, I don't know if I said I love you, I don't know if you said I love you too. I don't remember hanging up. Why is it that I can't remember the most important words and actions. I can't seem to remember living memories, only photographs in my mind. I can't hear your voice. I have tired. The very things I need to hold on to I can't seem to find.

Since I came home I have been tough, I haven't cried much, been a walking disaster but no tears. I keep telling myself I have to hold it together I have to be tough, I have to be strong. That no one needs to see me break. Today I can't stop. I just want to hear "I love you Mommy" even if it's a memory.

To those of you reading this today.. I beg you.. even if you have already, say it every day, annoy them with it, are mad, upset, or haven't spoken to your kid for years.. call them! Tell them you love them and remind them to get their Deanna Hug.

Much Love to you all
De's Mommy

Two of my babies are now angels in heaven, I don't understand how exactly one gets over this or through it but I am trying. Through speaking Deanna's words I am able to keep going, it is how I am directing my grief and anger, so if you happen to question WHY I am pushing this, WHY I am spending so much time running around like a chicken with my head cut off getting cards, shirts, websites made, my response to you: "I would offer you my shoes to walk in for a moment or two but I don't want you to feel this way.... EVER.. that is WHY I am doing it and how I am doing it".

Yes I am angry, angry that I didn't preach enough to her about her seat belt, angry that I didn't push harder that my sweet boy didn't have his on and maybe maybe she would have remembered, angry I didn't hug her enough, angry that I just plain sucked, angry that I over heard a lady tell my mother that she was the only mother Deanna had because I didn't want her (yes I keep replaying that in my head over and over), angry that I didn't get through to her that morning before she made that trip back home and I didn't hear her voice that day.

Today the only person I am angry at is myself.. stages of grief I suppose. If my grief saves one person, if my anger keeps one more from feeling this way, if my efforts make one person remember their "Deanna Hug"  I will own it and set forth to scream it from the roof tops, with the strength of God and De behind me I WILL get her words of life out to the masses.

Give a moment of your time to a stranger today, Live and do something just a little bit silly and hug someone you love.  

Please remember your "Deanna Hug" today!
Love
De's Mommy

PS to the lady I over heard.. You KNOW who you are.. and to you I say I DID want my daughter, I wanted MORE for her than I knew I could give her, as she got older I wanted for HER to live HER life as she wanted and guess what SHE DID. Had I held her reigns and not allowed her to be her and be where she wanted to be and when, then I would have many more regrets, but thank you for working your evil words in my head. My daughter didn't just have ONE mom who wanted her who you so nicely pointed out was my mother.. she had THREE! That is how special MY child was. And the next time you decide to talk crap about someone I suggest you make sure that they haven't lost weight and cut their hair before you start talking about them... because it might be the person sitting right beside you.

He responded quickly.

Luke 11:9  So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

Yesterday I received the following message from a dear friend here on the Outer Banks:

"I know Deanna was with me tonight. I know because I was in an accident and based off of the way I was hit things should have been way worse. It was a true miracle everyone who saw my car said so, the lady behind me was expecting the worst. I've Always been very bad about wearing my seatbelt, but today on my way to meet a friend for dinner I gave myself a "hug" that hug saved my life. I know I had an angel with me I know I did."

She has also posted photos of the car she was driving and I am sharing those here:

I have thrown all of my grief this week into the Give. Live. Hug. The Deanna Hug Project praying that it will save just one person. I did not know that so soon I would hear from someone that I love dearly. I will not stop my efforts, one has been spared serious injury or worse, I now pray I can save thousands.

Please remember your "Deanna Hug" as you travel about this weekend, it is so easy to forget in the hustle and bustle of our busy lives or to just think "I am only going a mile" it is so important that ANY time you are in a moving vehicle that you buckle that seat belt and get your "Deanna Hug"!

May God Bless you.

De's Mommy