That is how my days go... I can typically glance at a clock and know. Sometimes the science gets mixed up with the minutes and I go backwards but that is just how my simple brain works. This is the exact amount of time since my world was flipped yet again on end and my heart ripped apart.
Two of my babies are now angels in heaven, I don't understand how exactly one gets over this or through it but I am trying. Through speaking Deanna's words I am able to keep going, it is how I am directing my grief and anger, so if you happen to question WHY I am pushing this, WHY I am spending so much time running around like a chicken with my head cut off getting cards, shirts, websites made, my response to you: "I would offer you my shoes to walk in for a moment or two but I don't want you to feel this way.... EVER.. that is WHY I am doing it and how I am doing it".
Yes I am angry, angry that I didn't preach enough to her about her seat belt, angry that I didn't push harder that my sweet boy didn't have his on and maybe maybe she would have remembered, angry I didn't hug her enough, angry that I just plain sucked, angry that I over heard a lady tell my mother that she was the only mother Deanna had because I didn't want her (yes I keep replaying that in my head over and over), angry that I didn't get through to her that morning before she made that trip back home and I didn't hear her voice that day.
Today the only person I am angry at is myself.. stages of grief I suppose. If my grief saves one person, if my anger keeps one more from feeling this way, if my efforts make one person remember their "Deanna Hug" I will own it and set forth to scream it from the roof tops, with the strength of God and De behind me I WILL get her words of life out to the masses.
Give a moment of your time to a stranger today, Live and do something just a little bit silly and hug someone you love.
Please remember your "Deanna Hug" today!
Love
De's Mommy
PS to the lady I over heard.. You KNOW who you are.. and to you I say I DID want my daughter, I wanted MORE for her than I knew I could give her, as she got older I wanted for HER to live HER life as she wanted and guess what SHE DID. Had I held her reigns and not allowed her to be her and be where she wanted to be and when, then I would have many more regrets, but thank you for working your evil words in my head. My daughter didn't just have ONE mom who wanted her who you so nicely pointed out was my mother.. she had THREE! That is how special MY child was. And the next time you decide to talk crap about someone I suggest you make sure that they haven't lost weight and cut their hair before you start talking about them... because it might be the person sitting right beside you.
Yes I am angry, angry that I didn't preach enough to her about her seat belt, angry that I didn't push harder that my sweet boy didn't have his on and maybe maybe she would have remembered, angry I didn't hug her enough, angry that I just plain sucked, angry that I over heard a lady tell my mother that she was the only mother Deanna had because I didn't want her (yes I keep replaying that in my head over and over), angry that I didn't get through to her that morning before she made that trip back home and I didn't hear her voice that day.
Today the only person I am angry at is myself.. stages of grief I suppose. If my grief saves one person, if my anger keeps one more from feeling this way, if my efforts make one person remember their "Deanna Hug" I will own it and set forth to scream it from the roof tops, with the strength of God and De behind me I WILL get her words of life out to the masses.
Give a moment of your time to a stranger today, Live and do something just a little bit silly and hug someone you love.
Please remember your "Deanna Hug" today!
Love
De's Mommy
PS to the lady I over heard.. You KNOW who you are.. and to you I say I DID want my daughter, I wanted MORE for her than I knew I could give her, as she got older I wanted for HER to live HER life as she wanted and guess what SHE DID. Had I held her reigns and not allowed her to be her and be where she wanted to be and when, then I would have many more regrets, but thank you for working your evil words in my head. My daughter didn't just have ONE mom who wanted her who you so nicely pointed out was my mother.. she had THREE! That is how special MY child was. And the next time you decide to talk crap about someone I suggest you make sure that they haven't lost weight and cut their hair before you start talking about them... because it might be the person sitting right beside you.
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