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14 days 22 hours 48 minutes

5/5/2013

3 Comments

 
That is how my days go... I can typically glance at a clock and know. Sometimes the science gets mixed up with the minutes and I go backwards but that is just how my simple brain works. This is the exact amount of time since my world was flipped yet again on end and my heart ripped apart.


Picture
Two of my babies are now angels in heaven, I don't understand how exactly one gets over this or through it but I am trying. Through speaking Deanna's words I am able to keep going, it is how I am directing my grief and anger, so if you happen to question WHY I am pushing this, WHY I am spending so much time running around like a chicken with my head cut off getting cards, shirts, websites made, my response to you: "I would offer you my shoes to walk in for a moment or two but I don't want you to feel this way.... EVER.. that is WHY I am doing it and how I am doing it".

Yes I am angry, angry that I didn't preach enough to her about her seat belt, angry that I didn't push harder that my sweet boy didn't have his on and maybe maybe she would have remembered, angry I didn't hug her enough, angry that I just plain sucked, angry that I over heard a lady tell my mother that she was the only mother Deanna had because I didn't want her (yes I keep replaying that in my head over and over), angry that I didn't get through to her that morning before she made that trip back home and I didn't hear her voice that day.

Today the only person I am angry at is myself.. stages of grief I suppose. If my grief saves one person, if my anger keeps one more from feeling this way, if my efforts make one person remember their "Deanna Hug"  I will own it and set forth to scream it from the roof tops, with the strength of God and De behind me I WILL get her words of life out to the masses.

Give a moment of your time to a stranger today, Live and do something just a little bit silly and hug someone you love.  

Please remember your "Deanna Hug" today!
Love
De's Mommy


PS to the lady I over heard.. You KNOW who you are.. and to you I say I DID want my daughter, I wanted MORE for her than I knew I could give her, as she got older I wanted for HER to live HER life as she wanted and guess what SHE DID. Had I held her reigns and not allowed her to be her and be where she wanted to be and when, then I would have many more regrets, but thank you for working your evil words in my head. My daughter didn't just have ONE mom who wanted her who you so nicely pointed out was my mother.. she had THREE! That is how special MY child was. And the next time you decide to talk crap about someone I suggest you make sure that they haven't lost weight and cut their hair before you start talking about them... because it might be the person sitting right beside you.
3 Comments
Diane link
5/4/2013 11:09:50 pm

I think about you and Deanna everyday. I am grieving Deanna and my mother in law at the same time. Through these two deaths, I have learned a lot about how death can bring out the best in some and the worst in others. The only thing I have control over is it doesn't bring out the worst in me. I can see that it's given you a purpose and a mission. I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope your mission brings you comfort as you help others. Hugs.

Reply
Clar Dozier
5/5/2013 12:32:56 am

Oh Re, I cannot even come up with the words to tell you that your grief is shared. My Anthony died at 25 because of lack of health insurance mostly. My anger will pop up with to any warning and right now I am so mad because of people who judge others. This person and other like that have no life. Ph the other hand I think your campaign is wonderful, would love to have some flyers, cards or whatever to see if the nurses at the local schools could use then as well as our health Ed people since I work for the county. I lost Anthony 5 years ago the pain is still there but more manageable, meaning I can run and feel A little better. I do remember in the worse of times during that first year that I could literally feel the prayers and hugs people were sending me and that gave me the comfort to keep on going. I pray you are feeling that too.

Reply
Linda White Watford
5/5/2013 04:01:37 am

We are ALL behind you! We are praying for you. I could never imagine walking in your shoes with the heartache you are experiencing. I know its hard to understand and not question why did this happen. It is normal to ask why. I don't have the right words to say to make your pain to go away. :-( I truly truly wish that I did. Pay no attention to those that have negative thoughts and words! You know who you are and you know who your daughter was and that MY friend is what matters. ;-). Just know that your in my prayers! I am sharing your facebook page and I will continue to share in honor of your daughter and to help raise awareness! I am always here if you need me!

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