Good morning my loves.

Had a really rough evening emotionally, through no ones fault but my own. Have you ever loved the idea of something? Like for instance when you were a kid did you ever just love the idea of when you were a grown up you would have cake and ice cream every day for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? Then when you over ate cake and ice cream that one time you threw up and you knew it was bad for you and you learned your lesson that as an adult you couldn't eat cake and ice cream all the time?

Yea, I fail at learning the lessons. I was so in love with the idea of being accepted, loved, and liked that even time after time after time of getting sick, burned, or hurt I never learned the lesson and kept going right back in for more. Each and every time walking away with the feelings of what is wrong me? What did I do? Is this my fate because I was a crap mom? Bad friend? Horrible daughter? Is this the Karma? Each time, I dug that hole a little deeper, hating myself a little more, because certainly if the preverbial "they" can't love me no one ever will, never mind that there are countless yous out there screaming "I love you Re!". All it takes .. scratch that... TOOK was one person to deafen all of the others, because I allowed the actions of others to dominate my emotions and my own self worth, because I wanted to be included so badly.

I think it is time for another letter to my friend.

Dearest Me,

I am coming at you with all the love in the world and I am going to be brutal and honest and this is going to sting. You can not fit a square peg in a round hole Re, why do you insist on forcing it? Have you not learned that the Universe, God, Jesus, the Jedis, the Angels, the Witches of the past,  will all slam the doors in your face of places you do not belong?  It does not matter that you continue to knock on those doors with love and kindness, or even if you scream and cry and beg, they bought at the office, what you have to offer, is not for them. What they have to give, is not for you. You are not one size fits all, and neither are they, it is OK to return something you thought fit when you realize that it doesn't. It is ok, to walk away from it, even if on the website of your mind it looked beautiful, if it doesn't fit.. it doesn't fit.

Be honest with yourself Re.. are you even yourself when they do crack the door and let you in (or for that matter when you have kicked the door in and just barged in) for a moment or two, or are you that scared little girl that feels like you are going to do something wrong so the whole time you are anxious and afraid and you just can't be you.  I know you fell in love with an image, but Re... look through your phone. You have that image, you have a family. A family who loves, supports, who you are not continuously afraid of, who you can be only you around because they know and love you enough to KNOW if you are not being your crazy silly self.  You are missing the beauty of the forest Re, because you are so worried about a few dead trees. You have even distanced yourself from a few very special little plants because of those trees haven't you? Don't do that. They need your love as much as you need theirs, I promise.

I know you are crying right now Re, I am not going to tell you to stop, because I know, this is so hard for you to swallow. I know how close the 20th is, so I know that every little thing is pouring salt into open wounds.  I know you are going to have to grieve this a bit, but I also know you are strong enough to face this. Let this be another stone to shore up your foundation. Last night, you allowed this thing to kick at your shaky little rocks, but look at you. Yes you shook a little, yes you cried, yes you got mad, hurt and angry. Yes you felt unappreciated, but will you please look down? Did you fall? You didn't. Even in all those shaky angry moments, when you could not make sense of why they can't love you.. you did not fall. Wanna know why? Because one of those little rocks you were standing on already knew the truth. It was ready and able to split itself to steady up those shakes.  It knew it was time for you to face that the only way to make this better, is to walk away and I promise you, it is absolutely ok to do so.

Another thing you should know, you can continue to love them, you know that right? I think that is where you kept tripping before, you thought that walking away meant that you would no longer be able to love or care and because you still did you didn't think you should.  That simply is not the truth.  We don't stop loving because someone is on the other side of a wall, we just love in the sunshine.  You keep your love in a place of safety, there is no need in beating on the wall until it is running out of your bloody hands, hold it in your heart, and I think you will find that you have a much easier time taking the steps away that you need.  I also truly believe that when you stop beating and turn around, you are going to find so many open doors ready for your big heart to walk through, so many in fact that the one you left alone will become, very very small.

You realize this is not the only time you have faced this lesson right? It wasn't even at the same door, but you have refused to learn. Re.. you need to do the work now. You need to face this. You need to understand this. You absolutely need to learn this lesson, because coming back here time after time is doing nothing but harm to you. You are not hurting them when you get angry or sad, they don't even know and frankly if they do know, do you really need that in your life right now? Let your heart feel what it must this morning, but by noon lace up those shoes and when you go for your run today, put that distance between you and that damn door, and while you are at it, leave all of these emotions you are feeling about this right there on the steps to that door like a flame bag of doggie poo!

You have absolutely GOT THIS KID!

Sending you so much strength and love this morning,
You

I am going to sign off this morning with this, have there ever been situations that you just had to walk away from, no matter how you felt about it? What helped you make those first steps? 

Peace, Love and Light,

Re

So here we are on Monday again I got on the scale again. No movement. I measured 2.5 inches down for a total of 9 inches. I mean I can not be mad at that. I seriously can't but my brain wants me to be. My brain still wants this to be Biggest Loser, Dr Now, numbers. In case you don't know what I am talking about.. peep the dr pic for those of you on Facebook.

Maybe that is not fair to myself, but I FEEL like I am big enough I should be putting up those kind of numbers. At the very least 20. The whole thing always sends my brain in a whirl wind. I also made a detrimental mistake yesterday. I have this pair of jeans that I used as a gauge when I did the 90 days of the high dollar plan, I could barely button them without cutting off circulation when I started that plan, and I was safely in them when I finished, still a little muffin toppy but nothing horrendous. The damn things, someone has come and sewn them up to be 4 sizes smaller! I can't get them over my fat ass at all! Some how in my head, for reasons unknown to me, I thought I would be able to at least get them to a place where I may be able to button them soon. Here is the problem, as I see it. All of those years of half ass work outs, while they were half assed, I didn't turn to all fat.  Now that I have been sitting on said ass it has become rather large with fat instead of hiding some muscle in there. It is the whole pound of fat is much larger than a pound of muscle thing. (you see I didn't say anything about a weight difference right?)

While I am only 5 pounds off of my start weight from that journey I am MUCH larger, which also makes me feel like I should be taking this fat off much faster. The bigger you are the faster it comes off at first, or supposedly. I did take some time to go back and look at the high dollar journey and from what I can tell, I lost nothing at all until midway through the second month, so basically 6 weeks of no change on the scale, then the last 6 weeks I lost 30 pounds all of a sudden. Maybe my body is just resistant to change, maybe I have broken my metabolism so badly that it is going to take a while to kick in. Maybe I am just doing everything wrong and not really in Ketosis. Maybe I just need to give myself a break and STAY THE COURSE.  I am half tempted to spend the $50 to get a Ketones checker, just to be sure. I mean it is $50.. do you know how much much I have already spent trying to lose this weight? What's another $50 just to be sure.

I realize that this all takes time, and I didn't just get fat overnight, it has been decades, of abuse, booze, food, and depression that has gotten me where I am today and while I feel great, I am sticking to the plan, I am recording everything, I am DOING the workouts, I still want to look as good as I am feeling. People tell me I am beautiful, you don't see what I see. People tell me I am fine the way I am, no.. no I am not fine the way I am. I am not even close to fine.

I am going to try to explain it to those that don't understand. Imagine that you own this beautiful mansion, in your perfect setting, built exactly like you want, you can see it in your minds eye, because you are locked in Alcatraz, with it's large crumbling walls, damp wet cells, with chains and shackles on your hands and feet, for a crime you didn't commit, and you put in appeal after appeal work countless programs so you can get out... yet you are still there, dreaming of your beautiful home. That is what it feel like being in this body to me. I can't look at it in a mirror without getting tears, I don't want anyone else to see it, God forbid you try to take a pic of me because I am going to yell DON'T GET MY BODY IN THAT!  That is just no way to live. Does this help any of you understand what this feels like? It feels like prison. 

I know before I even post this that a certain someone is going to be all over me, (Hi.. I know you are coming at me.. but keep reading please) While I am sitting here this morning, pouring this all out... again. I need you to know that I am proud. Proud that I have found this way of eating. I am proud that I have stuck to my workout goals. I am  proud that I am trying and not still nose diving into food and alcohol every night to just dull the pain. I am proud that I am truly taking the time to learn about myself and better ways of coping. I am proud that while I feel like I should "lose turty pound this munt" I know that is unrealistic in the grand scheme of things. So while there are little cracks of doubt, I am still focused on the journey as a whole, and I have no intention of backing down. I will see this through, I will allow my body and mind time to adjust and HEAL. I will get out of this prison. I will stay the course.

This weeks goals:

Gallon of water a day : I did great until Saturday and Sunday.. didn't quite make it those days last week.
Run .60 a mile 5 days.
Strength 4 days
Zumba 1 day.
Peloton Core 5 days.

Signing off today with this, are there places in your life that you imprisoned? Is it time for you to make that final appeal to be released?

Peace Love and Light,

Re

Ok now I am hungry!

Let's talk about Cafe Mais Sha a moment. Pronouced Meh Sha if you were wondering, Mom was the first that asked about what it meant and how to say it, she said no one would ever come to my little cafe because no one could pronounce it LOL. Both words are Cajun and link right back to my French Canadian roots on my .. you guessed it,  MOTHERS SIDE. She should study her family line a little closer :) Now granted my mom's grandparents settled in Salem but I have managed to trace the L'Heureux line back to where they split and went both to Salem and New Orleans. So the name, just a little nod to heritage. If nothing else because Bygar (moms mom) taught me some very very useful cooking tips that I continue to use to this day.

I never was one to be in the kitchen watching, or learning, and no one ever said HEY.. YOU.. I AM TEACHING YOU THIS! It was more trial by fire, for years.. and I mean YEARS I didn't even know I could cook. I could do the staples (read hamburger helper or tv dinners) to get by but they didn't have much finesse, it was just food on a plate, and it was cooked so you wouldn't starve, not something you went OHHHHH AHHHHH at. I even worked in restaurant kitchens, but by design it they weren't OHHHH AHHHH places.  They were more of the 80's style buffet on a plate covered in gravy, or fried seafood platters, and those steaks.. those poor steaks, I don't think any went out of there that were not smashed to death on the griddle and well done. So that certainly didn't help my cooking skills. So I thought, I couldn't cook, every time I tried to fry an egg.. it was .. yea lets not talk about it. 

Then one day, Craig will remember this well, I decided I was going to have my mom come to the house for Thanksgiving, the kids were small, Drake I believe was just a few months old if he was even here yet. I sat down and and made this long list of everything one would have at a Thanksgiving meal if you were feeding 25 people, not the 3 adults and tiny little kids, and he said.. "Who is cooking that??" when I said "I am" I think he laughed, if he didn't full out laugh he at least snickered. You see... I didn't cook, he did. He was good at it. I remember watching him in the kitchen and thinking "How the heck does he do that?" I still don't really know because he never followed any recipes, he just did and it turned out and was amazing. At the time I barely knew how to boil a potato much less cook a turkey! We had recently gotten internet (yes the dial up kind) and I went online and looked at recipe after recipe after recipe and I printed and I shopped and I chopped and I baked and I sauteed, and I cooked a damn turkey in the oven. I cooked every last bit of that meal under the watchful eye of someone who knew if I was burning the canned cranberries, the only exception was the rolls, mom brought those and I still don't know how to make them. I even made homemade pumpkins pies.. from pumpkins not cans. Hey go big or go home right? Right there on that day my actual love of cooking began because I could follow a recipe.

It was not until I met my beloved Amanda and Randolph that I really learned about the actual plating of food and how important it is to eat with your eyes first, and I started playing with how I placed things on the plate. Those first years were rough looking, I didn't have the touch, honestly I didn't even have it going into this year, but I have practiced on roughly 200 plates by now so I am getting better. It is very rare that I place bowls of things on the table family style, I plate in the kitchen and serve, it started as a eat with your eyes first thing, but it also made me so much more aware of my portion size! It keeps me accountable to what I am eating, and not just being able to scoop another spoon of mashed potatoes on my plate. (not that I am eating those right now) and then I started seeing how much better my own food tasted when the plate looked nice. So I kept trying.

I do love posting the photos of my beautiful food, and even the beautiful food Amanda and Randolph prepare. But my food has a secret. I am going to share that with you all now. I use food boxes! Yup not kidding. I would say we have been getting them for about 6 months now. It all started when I could not take another week of making the same damn thing!!! I started looking at recipes online and shopping to cook for those things and the food bill went sky high not to mention the absolute frustration of the quality of meats found here in this county and the next and the lack of ingredients I needed. I was annoyed as all get out and sick to death of all of the high carb load and fried crap I was cooking. Side Note: I love a good old fashion country meal just like the next person but every day.. no thanks. So I did some research and I found Marley and Spoon, I settled on that particular box because when looking at the recipes I thought, my dad will eat that and that was of the utmost importance. Sure there were meals that I wanted so badly to try but I knew that they were a bit far out of Dad's realm of eating.

When our first box arrived, I quickly put all the food away and stashed the box so he wouldn't see it. That night I made his dinner and when he saw it he said "WHAT IS THIS???" My heart sank, I just knew that this was not going to work. I responded with exactly what it was and he replied "It looks good!" To this day there has only been one thing dad didn't eat, purple cabbage, he can't get by the color. The only other things he has had issue with since we started with food boxes are the following, I did over cook the pork once and he said it wasn't the best in the world, and once I made boiled potatoes and he thought they were supposed to be mashed potatoes so he didn't like those much. My dad has eaten more "different things" in 6 months time than he has in his entire 77 years! He mentioned once, that he would never order any of these things from a restaurant because they just don't look like something he would like, I told him that he has short changed himself all of these years with so many good things out there he just never tried. It was that night I let him on "the secret" and showed him the food box and the recipes. Now he wants to see the recipe card with his meal so he knows all of the ingredients that he is eating!

In a way I feel like all of the love and likes and oohhh's and ahhhh's on my food pics are a cheat. Like I don't deserve that, I didn't put this together, someone in Florida likely designed my menu. But you know what, that is not fair to me. No one else cooked that meal, I did. No one else plated that meal, I did. Yes the food came in a box, so what.. it comes in a bag from the grocery store, what's the difference?? Oh I can tell you, I am not throwing out all of the left over ingredients next week because they are perfectly portioned. Yes the recipe cards come printed in the box, well they come printed off of the internet too, or from recipe books, what's the difference??? Oh I can tell you, hours and hours of scouring for the perfect things, time is so important to me right now and this helps save me time. It is still me that modifies these recipes with Bygar tips and for myself and my way of Keto eating, no one else. So while I have felt like I was hiding this big secret of my food being delivered in a box, DOES THAT EVEN MATTER?? It's just like short changing myself on accomplishments, yesterday's half mile run was horrendous for some reason, but you know what no matter if I was really going that slow or if my watch was wonky I went on that half mile run! I did that!

We live in a society of being embarrassed by our own accomplishments, and I just don't know why. We don't give ourselves credit where it is due. We don't look at the fact that we made it to the gym and left our comfort zone and got our work out on as an accomplishment, instead we look in the mirror and think bad thoughts about ourselves. We don't look at the fact that we are in fact getting out of a deep dark place and are proud we picked ourselves up once again, instead we chastise ourselves for being there to begin with and only see how much farther we have to go. We look at a half mile run and think, you used to run half marathons for fun, now look at you, instead of thinking I am doing this the right way this time, I am building this on layer by layer, so that the next half marathon will be strong and true, and not some half ass trained bull shit that leaves you limping around for days, but we look badly at that half mile. We don't look at a beautifully plated dinner and think, I did this, I created this, instead we think shamefully that all I did was follow a recipe from a box!

I wish I knew why we do this, I think knowing would help so many people, people I love. Maybe the trick is to start owning our accomplishments? I think many of us grew up with the you made your bed now you have to sleep in it mind set that it has spilled over into every thing we do, so much so we don't see the good things we do, we are constantly looking at that bed we made, that is supposed to be something ugly, why can't that bed be beautiful and pretty? Why can't that bed we made look inviting and comfortable? Maybe we all need to order new bedding!

Circling back up to Cafe Mais Sha.. what does it mean you wonder? It literally means "Well then love". Mais is used to express delight, shock, exasperation etc. Sha is nothing more than slang for Cher which means Love.

Mais Sha, know you know my cooking secret and how you too can do the same! I am excited for the box next week, we are changing services to a greener delivery that is known for it's Keto meals.. EXCITED!!!

I am going to sign off today by asking you, in what ways do you short change yourself? Are you not seeing your true accomplishments as your friends see them?

Peace, Love and Light,

Re

It is almost April. That hole I am working to get out of, I am only a couple of feet up, standing on some wobbly ass rocks, I see the light up there, but its not close enough to shake off all of this cold, yet. I am working so hard to get out of this place that has held me captive for so long, and here comes April. The anniversary of the end of the before and the beginning of the after.

I feel like I am in one of those Lion King Meme's you know the one.. I posted it up there.. (Sorry Chesapeake) the shadowy place has been the after, and I went there, and got stuck there. I know that there has to be a balance for me, that the sun can shine in the after too, but when that darkness is staring you right in the face and looming over you, it is frightening. For years the spring and summer meant the "season" has started and I spent more time working than not. Last year it was filled with medical emergency's, taking care of others, driving back and forth for awhile, every spring, even as the anniversary loomed, I could hold it back just a little with the chaos of my life. This year is different, dad is better, but I am not ready to leave him for all that long, which means no season, and hopefully no medical emergencies, and all that means... no chaos.

I spoke yesterday about how busy I am, but busy is not the same. The busy I am right now, leaves so much brain time that I am just not used to. Typically the days leading up to anniversary are much worse than the actual day itself, I know I know, that proves that it is just fear and not a true threat, but that day... shattered.... everything. And April is as foggy as it is this morning, filled with memories and regrets and grief and guilt all of these emotions that have no place to go, and this year, nothing to hide them in. No chaos, no vodka, no insane amounts of food, just to name a few of the craptastic ways I tried to with stand the emotional tornado.

I have absolutely got to come up with a better game plan in the next 5 days. The end of winter is here, spring is coming, and it doesn't look like any of the springs that have ever happened in the after before, and I literally do not know what to do with it. Maybe that means it truly is time to just work on me. That this year is supposed to be about digging out of that hole, fixing all of the pieces of my heart, and finding a way to let the sunshine back in.  Right now, this morning, it just feels so much bigger than I am.

I really wish I were writing this today with this wonderful list of how I plan on getting through this without the rocks being kicked out from under me, but I don't. All I have is a plan to stay the course, and I don't know if that is enough. For now, right this second, it is going to have to be.

Signing off today with this, when you are faced with something that seems daunting and huge what methods do you use to just get through to the other side?

Peace Love and Light,
Re

Good Morning and Happy Coffee to you all!

Can I just say one more time that I really enjoy spending my morning with you? Those emails that came flooding in over night can wait, you are more important. You help my soul, you bless my life and you set me free.

It is the getting these thoughts out of my head. Most days it helps, others it lingers awhile but eventually subsides, I don't feel caged, trapped, and alone with the monster that lives in my head. I feel like every time we get together in the morning, we kick that monster in the ovaries and knock it back a bit. We are one heck of a powerful force. I thank you.  I have often said to my mom that I had wished my Aunt Reedie had kept a journal through her journey of weight loss. My aunt actually liked to write, I don't know that many people knew that, she would have kept a lovely journal. So here I am doing what I wished she had done, so some day, no one has to say I wish she had... because I did. :)

I also want all of you to know that I read each and every comment! All of them! I may not reply to each one but I promise you it is read. It isn't because I don't want to comment, I would LOVE to, but  my day is so full. I still have little "down time" but that is ok, because there is PLENTY OF ME time. I spend my early hours here with you, just exploring all the little corners of my mind, then off to work for 8 hours.. I have done very good with this lately, I clock in at 7:30 and almost always up and out the door at 3:30. One would think leaving at 330 would give me plenty of down time yes? No. I use that time to go for a walk, go to the gym, go run errands that need running, then I am right back here fixing dinner at 6. Dad's here until 8. Rinse Repeat. It's not a bad schedule at all, I feel like having those loosely planned hours before and after work have helped so much. The stress is not what it was.

Maybe it is spring, maybe it is just a forced habit, maybe it is a lot of things, whatever it is, it is fitting. My goal right this moment as I sit here (in other words that could flip instantly lol), isn't losing the weight, (sounds weird but hang tight) it isn't getting "skinny", it is to continue to show up for myself mentally and physically every day. I think that it is possible for all to happen if the focus is just on showing up for myself.  Just to be clear I use the word "skinny" so loosely, Dad always asks me if I am ever going to be that skinny girl in the pictures again. *insert eyeroll* for one, I didn't KNOW I was skinny then I thought I was fat, for two with this falak I would likely need to be dead to get there, for three I had absolutely no ass, I am talking plywood board ass. (some one once told me that so I know), so no I don't want to be what others call skinny I just want to be in shape both in body and spirit.  I have this little angel on earth flittering all around me these days, dropping little bits of knowledge to nibble on, this was one of her seeds, it grew. :)

I had this realization yesterday and I hit on it in the spindle but really want to look back at something I wrote about a few weeks ago. Remember when I said that the reason I wanted to run again was for redemption and to do it for myself. That every run I had done in the past was for someone else? And then I have talked about how half hearted I worked out when I did show up over the last 8 years. I was not doing those work outs for me either! Do not get me wrong, working out with a group of friends is powerful, working out with a trainer is incredible, I can't wait to get back to working out with my friends, but, right now what is happening is exactly what I need. The only person I am accountable to is myself. Yes I am getting help left and right on what workouts to do and major support from friends all over, but it is me that is putting on my shoes, it is me that is going out the door, it is me that is screaming in my head YOU GOT THIS RE JUST ONE MORE! I don't feel obligated to get up at 5 am because if I don't I am letting my team down, or I don't feel obligated to show up to the gym because I have an appointment with a trainer. I feel obligated to MYSELF! All of these years, I thought the power was in the others, that they pushed me to be better,  when in just a few short weeks I am starting to realize that the power had to come from me. I have to show up for myself, not you, not a trainer, not even my bestie, I HAVE to do it for me, or it just does not fit.

So as badly as I have wanted to get home, and back to my family there on the OBX, right this minute, in this journey I am exactly where I need to be! I need this strong foundation of obligation to myself that I feel like is only going to be built brick by brick of doing this on my own and for me. I have to learn that the journey is about repairing me, not showing up due to an obligation to others. I have to learn that I have the strength and determination in me to get me through this. I have to learn that it is absolutely OK to stumble but quickly dust off and get back to it and not wish for someone to come save me. I have to learn this journey all over again, because being in that deep hole of darkness for so long has stripped away all of the things that made me, me.

I have spent a year, taking care of someone else, out of love and dedication, and I would spend another 10 doing the same, I am so incredibly grateful that we are at a place that he is so much better. But... you know there was but right? That year was the straw that broke the camel's back. It left me a skeleton, I didn't have the tools in me to deal with what was in front of me and my own issues at the same time. I allowed the situation to dominate and destroy the last parts of me that were holding on. In the end, it nearly killed me. But.. there is another one.. I am grateful. For so long I have been  desperately grasping and clawing my hold on this life, just trying to stay alive, that I didn't realize that if I just let go, the only other place to go, was up.

I have said it before and I will say it again, this.. THIS RIGHT HERE.. feels different. This feels like... like... rehab. Like I am learning all of these new and wonderful ways of dealing with myself. Like I am filling my tool box with all of the right equipment to get me to the place I need to be, so that when the time comes I am needed for another, I don't lose myself.

It feels so incredibly powerful it is almost scary.

So here's to another day of the journey, may yours be super special and I again thank you .. for just being you!

Signing off today with this, do you journal? If not do you have something you think you could get off your chest to ease the burden on yourself? Try writing it out, or typing if your fingers hurt and your spelling stinks.

Peace, Love and Light,
Re

I have quite a bit of unpacking packing to do this morning so bare with me. Bear... crap.. just be patient ok?

I should also be telling that to myself, you will see why in a moment.

Yesterday was a lot of things, measure, weight, and that first outside run. We are going to talk about that run first. I said I was going to do a quarter mile, I did a half a mile, I WANTED to keep going then because I thought.. "How puny is that!" but I turned around. Yes I had to stop, even in a half a mile! When I got back to the jeep, I was so mad at myself. Again. Like seriously Re.. 14:12 pace.. what is that??? It is the beginning that is what it is! Leave yourself alone you are doing this, that is what matters. I went back again and looked through all of my years of Garmin data and you know what I found.. a solid year into training, because as the pic states it was my anniversary and it was a run, my pace was only 2 minutes better that what it was yesterday. You know my best pace ever in a race was only about 3 minutes off of that time, and I had been training and running a year. After that first year, in the after,  I "trained" just like I did everything else, I had no heart in it. I feel like I am circling back around, to things I have already talked about in the last month but I need to, I need to work through this and really break the chains of that feeling and attitude. I have been training on the treadmill for a few weeks now and the marked improvement on that is incredible, but to me, it is just so much easier to run on a treadmill, it is time to bring it to the dirt, even if that is only a half a mile a day this week.

The wonderful thing about that half a mile is that when i woke up this morning my shins were not crying; My calves didn't feel like they were sliced with razor blades; My feet didn't feel like I should chop them off; and the best.. my ankles did not feel like Misery had gone to them with a mallet! Which MEANS I can absolutely do another half mile today! I have this habit of going and deciding, "Hey you have sat on your ass for a year, lets go run 5 miles" As you may have noticed I use the term run loosely.. if I run a 1/4 of the distance it's a run lol! Then the next two weeks I can't move. It is a stupid pattern that I have ever intention of breaking! I have a plan, it is in my head, I am not writing it down, because it is a loose plan that may need adjusting, but lets just say that this week it includes half a miles, next week a little longer, and so on until I get to a mile, then I am going to crush the heck out of the mile, then add on. What does that do to my 5k next weekend. I don't know. I am thinking about it, I will decide by this weekend. PS I can totally finish a 5 k there would just be more walking than running :) Either way here I am telling myself that yesterday's run was perfectly fine. A fine start indeed.

We already talked about measuring yesterday so we are skipping on to the weight thing. I friggin hate the weight thing, so we need to talk about it and we need to keep talking about it before I dive nose first into a vat of cheese dip. I don't have a scale here in Mathews, so I have been weighing at the Y. The first weigh in day, I bet I had not even finished a bottle of water that day, I mentally knew I had to get on the scale so nope, no water for this girl, same with last week, only a few bottles water before hand, this week I finished off a gallon of water before I ever got there, like that was a bright idea. There are a few issues with my weigh ins, the main issue is my first weigh in I did in the morning, on a Saturday, the next weigh in was the day I started Keto and the scale was up from that Saturday morning a week prior and I refused to accept that number so I didn't use it as my start weight. Who does that? It was only a few pounds but I be damned if I was starting anywhere that the ticker on the scale was over on the side closer to 300 than on the side closer to 200. Stupidity.. but it is what I did. Who lies to their self about the amount of weight they have lost, because they could not face the start weight. Anyway I did, and I am, because I am not going back to use that true start weight now. So what happened yesterday? I got on the scale at 5 pm after drinking a gallon of water before I got there and I was pissed off that the scale was down only one pound. Lets talk about that for a second, I had just gotten back from a homecation, I had sat in the car for 4 hours the day before, I had sat at my desk all day, my rings felt like they were way too tight, I drank a gallon of water, I got on a scale and I was pissed it was down a pound? How the hell was it not up 5?? I play these horrible tricks and games with myself. I am literally a bully, to myself.

So I came up with a game plan, I went on a hunt for scale, I couldn't find one so I borrowed my dads, I got on it to make sure that it was measuring the same as the one I had just been on and right to the ounce dead on, so I knew I had a winner. So this morning I weighed again, you know what I am really down this week? 4 lbs. 4 friggin pounds! That is a total of 10lbs since starting Keto 2 weeks ago, (cause we aren't counting the ones over the ticker mark) that puts me below my highest weight last summer!!! 10 pounds Ya'll!

I hate that I self sabotage, and that is literally what I am doing. I have just flat out hated myself for so long, that it is hard to stop that habit. It is hard to not look at myself as a loser, as a failure, as someone who no matter what they do they are going to screw it up, so why are you out here trying.  I know I am going to have to do the work to forgive myself, and I am going to have to face all of the issues with the regret, the guilt, the failure. Its going to be hard, because in the deepest part of my being, I still hear "you were shit mom, if you hadn't been... " Right now, for today, right this minute, I am just grateful that I saw the self sabotage as it was happening, instead of throwing in the towel because my brain was telling me that I was a loser.

I did cheat on Keto last night though, after getting home I said screw it, it was only a pound down and I ate the hugest plate of fried dough you ever did see with King Po-T-Rik syrup! Anyone who knows what Kind Po-T-Rik is knows that it doesn't exist anymore.. but many did that taste good in my dream last night! I literally dreamt that!

One last little thing today, just a reminder to myself why I am doing this, the dresses.. I want to wear those. I want to put those on and not feel like I have on a circus tent. I want to wear those. I want to work hard enough that I can buy something and not worry about, will this cover the Falak! It is vain and it is selfish, but it is completely and totally what I want.

Signing off today with this, do you self sabotage? Do you see it when you are or much later? Are there ways to help identify when you are doing it?

Peace, Love and Light,
Re

Funny enough, the time frame fits SOLIDLY! I think the last bit of grace I allowed myself to give to myself was a solid 30 years ago.

Side note: If you don't get the reference we need to talk about your choices in Christmas movies...

Let's throw the definition of grace out here for good measure.. oh the pun.. you will see.

Define: grace
/ɡrās/
See definitions:

1. simple elegance or refinement of movement.
   "she moved through the water with effortless grace"
2. courteous goodwill. (even to yourself)
   

           "at least she had the grace to admit she had been on 
            homecation and in a car all day and likely was not supposed
            to see a change."

As you guys all know I went on a homecation (sorry for those I confused.. we just went home together for the first time in over a year to us it was a vacation as odd as that sounds, also for those wondering dad made out GREAT!!!) So I get home and put all of the things away and did all of the things I was supposed to, right up until the time I went and grabbed the tape measure. (hence the pun) Why in the world would anyone do this?? I mean it was nothing but torture. It would be akin to going to an all you can eat buffet and then getting on a scale as you leave.

I immediately text an accountability partner as we were talking yesterday about our journeys and testing theories and what not, the text read "Well I have not lost any inches!" The response was.. "since when?" I said "10 days ago." Then I said.. "Ok.. it was an inch but that was at the fattest part".. you know the inter-tube.  I have absolutely no idea what I was actually expecting, but I had 0 grace with myself to say.. "Hey you, you just sat in a car for 3 hours, you haven't been getting your water in for a few days because you were on homecation and in situations where excusing yourself every 15 minutes was not ideal and you likely had a little more salt than normal"  I have no courteous goodwill toward myself!  I can give it away all day long, you come at me and say "Re.. I really screwed up, I done XYZ, but I need your help." I am over here all like.. "Ok I got you." To myself, it would be.. "Your kidding me right? You big fat cow.. are you really coming around here asking for a bit of grace? Fat chance"  Ha! Another pun!

I am starting to figure out that not allowing myself grace is robbing myself of the joy of the process. I have never been one to trust the process (ask my knitting friends.. row two in and I am all .. "this can't be right) and here I am now, not trusting the process, even though I have followed it to the letter. I literally sat here last night and read and read and read about what I am doing "wrong", told Ed, that my calorie count was probably to high and I needed to drop to 1200 a day not 1500. I sent a message to our accountability group the other day because I just felt like I could not possibly be in Ketosis because the sticks I have were not reading right and how even though I was counting, measuring and recording every thing, that I knew I must be doing something "wrong".  I do not know what it is going to take for me to believe in myself, to believe I am doing all of the right things and to allow myself grace, so that I can enjoy the journey more.

It's not your grace, God's grace, the universe's grace, my parent's grace that I need here... I need MY OWN FRIGGIN GRACE! Do they stock that on Amazon?

Had I allowed myself a few moments of grace last night, I may have continued measuring inside of throwing the tape measure the floor and crying (I didn't really do that.. or did I?) What I would have found was yes, I did lose an inch around the fat part (we need to name that part because the fat part is just eck) but I lost another 5.5 from the other parts. So in total for 10 days I have lost 6.5 inches. I wish like crazy I had measured and weighed 30 days ago, I bet the actual totals are more but we will go with what we got. 6.5 inches ya'll. That is huge. I think I wanted more inches to come off of Falak (see I named it.. did you know you could google horrible names that start with F? This was one of them, it fit) because that is my most disgusting area, but I also remembered a little tid bit that a coach once told me, usually our most gross areas are the last to lose, so again I went to my trusty google and found:

"For many of us the belly fat is very resistant to loss. This does not happen for everyone but it is indeed common enough to be normal. Keep losing and the inches will eventually come off."

Why could I not google that last night, instead of googling each and every way that I absolutely must be doing Keto wrong? List after list after list, I kept reading and googling and searching, why did it take so long? Because I could not find ANYTHING i was doing wrong, so I must be missing it, do another search. I think that is what crazy looks like on an ordinary day.

So here we are ya'll, at day 31, with 2 weeks of Keto under my belt, and it is time to write down some goals for the next 30 days. Do you know what number one is?

1. Find a way to be more graceful with yourself! 
2. Continue reading and learning.
   
3. Get that water in.. 128oz a day! You can do it.
   
4. Continue the work out journey, increase to 4 days a week with strength training.
   
5. Continue to walk with Mom 3 days a week.
   
6. HIT THE PAVEMENT! Get off of the treadmill and get outside! yes your knees are going to hurt, but you can do this, you know it is the way. Start slow, run only a quarter of a mile if you have to, but get out there and run, stop this run 100 paces walk 1000. You know you got more in you than that. And if you have a bad day, ALLOW YOURSELF THE GRACE YOU NEED! You are still carrying quite a bit of weight you aren't used to. It is OK, you will improve, I promise, trust the process, enjoy the journey, you WILL run another half, likely even better than any you have ever done before.
   
7. Keep your promise to yourself, 90 days strictly Keto and then reevaluate, you can't flounder now, because it isn't the diet that isn't working, it is your brain telling you that nothing ever works, so why should this, quiet that nonsense and keep on track! Celebrate your victories as you have been, you have been doing so good at that, keep it up! Do not let what you THINK should be happening, steal the joy of what IS happening!
   
8. Allow yourself the 20th of April. No matter what that day ends up looking like, it will be ok. Try to make yourself a plan to get through it, especially from the 11th on, you know what is the hardest, you already see the obstacle, start figuring out NOW what needs to happen during those days to see you through to the other side.
   

I am going to sign off today with, do you allow yourself enough grace? What are ways that we can help others find their own grace? If you have ideas hit me up! I need all the help I can get! :)

Peace, Love and Light
Re

Quick short little post this morning. Breaking my own rule and working before 6 am, but that is because we are leaving on a jet plane! No.. really a purple jeep but still we are leaving! As a family... which has not happened in almost 18 months!

Dad is doing so very well we all agree that it is time to get things to a different new normal. I want to say thank you to each and every one of you that prayed, sent good vibes, and continuously kept dad in your thoughts, because frankly.. he didn't get better from medical intervention, because nothing was ever done. I truly believe that when his life was spared, mine was as well, because looking back I would not have survived that. I don't know which one of us hasn't finished their jobs here.. maybe both of us, but here we are.

I know many people say that, things like I couldn't survive if I lost....________. I used to be one of those people. Then the unthinkable happened and I remained on earth. I don't know that what I what I have been doing the last 8 should be considered survival actually, it was more just existing somewhere I had no desire to be. I can tell you right now with all honesty, if dad had not made it through this, in the head space I was in, I am fully aware that I would no longer be here either. There would have been no, "Well shit I woke up".

Don't be sad about that, be grateful. I am. I have mentioned before that I felt like I continuously wake up in these alternate universes were things are the same but they are just different enough that the rules are all different and it takes navigating. This shift was absolutely no exception.

This shift, dad is getting better and better, stronger and stronger, has gained all but 4 pounds of his weight back, he carries on a conversation, he jokes and his sarcasm is back.

This shift, I am reading, learning, studying, writing, all of the things I can to try to learn me. I am working out and I eating 100% on a plan that I absolutely love. I measure the food I eat to the tablespoon, ounce, whatever is called for and it doesn't even feel weird. I like my coffee black or with a TINY and I do mean tiny bit of keto friendly coconut creamer just to take the bite off the first cup.

This shift my mom is my friend, we have been closer over the last years, but this shift, I see her differently, she is more than my mom, she is my confidant, my go to when I really need to talk through something terrible, the person who I know without a doubt I can call and not be judged, we literally talk every single day, as added icing on that cake she has been working out with me!

This shift my friends, I am not going to name you all by name that would take an insanely long time, you all feel different, I am not as concerned about "Oh my what will xyz think?" and feel more of my friends absolutely love me and I KNOW they have me through this, I seriously can't think of one of my friends if I called right now would not pick up the phone and do everything they could to help me, well there was Louise.. lol. 

This shift I am completely and totally in love with love of my life. I mean who couldn't love Banx... KIDDING.. Ed I have loved you for so long, but this is different.. I want to be better for you, with you, and I want to enjoy what we have. What I am saying here is this.. this shift I want to be an active participant in living not just someone going through the motions.

Did I say this was going to be a short post? Sorry.

Anyway my point is this.. we are going on vacation! I may post.. I may not. Either way, thank you all for having patience, because while this shift is full of positives, it is a different set of rules, and those are always tricky to navigate, I am just grateful that I now if I stumble I have an entire army behind me to help catch me.

Signing off with this, have there been times in your life that the whole universe seemed to shift just a little? How did you navigate those times? If it shifted right now would you have the arsenal you needed to get you through it?

Peace, Love, and Light
Re