So here we are on Monday again I got on the scale again. No movement. I measured 2.5 inches down for a total of 9 inches. I mean I can not be mad at that. I seriously can't but my brain wants me to be. My brain still wants this to be Biggest Loser, Dr Now, numbers. In case you don't know what I am talking about.. peep the dr pic for those of you on Facebook.
Maybe that is not fair to myself, but I FEEL like I am big enough I should be putting up those kind of numbers. At the very least 20. The whole thing always sends my brain in a whirl wind. I also made a detrimental mistake yesterday. I have this pair of jeans that I used as a gauge when I did the 90 days of the high dollar plan, I could barely button them without cutting off circulation when I started that plan, and I was safely in them when I finished, still a little muffin toppy but nothing horrendous. The damn things, someone has come and sewn them up to be 4 sizes smaller! I can't get them over my fat ass at all! Some how in my head, for reasons unknown to me, I thought I would be able to at least get them to a place where I may be able to button them soon. Here is the problem, as I see it. All of those years of half ass work outs, while they were half assed, I didn't turn to all fat. Now that I have been sitting on said ass it has become rather large with fat instead of hiding some muscle in there. It is the whole pound of fat is much larger than a pound of muscle thing. (you see I didn't say anything about a weight difference right?)
While I am only 5 pounds off of my start weight from that journey I am MUCH larger, which also makes me feel like I should be taking this fat off much faster. The bigger you are the faster it comes off at first, or supposedly. I did take some time to go back and look at the high dollar journey and from what I can tell, I lost nothing at all until midway through the second month, so basically 6 weeks of no change on the scale, then the last 6 weeks I lost 30 pounds all of a sudden. Maybe my body is just resistant to change, maybe I have broken my metabolism so badly that it is going to take a while to kick in. Maybe I am just doing everything wrong and not really in Ketosis. Maybe I just need to give myself a break and STAY THE COURSE. I am half tempted to spend the $50 to get a Ketones checker, just to be sure. I mean it is $50.. do you know how much much I have already spent trying to lose this weight? What's another $50 just to be sure.
I realize that this all takes time, and I didn't just get fat overnight, it has been decades, of abuse, booze, food, and depression that has gotten me where I am today and while I feel great, I am sticking to the plan, I am recording everything, I am DOING the workouts, I still want to look as good as I am feeling. People tell me I am beautiful, you don't see what I see. People tell me I am fine the way I am, no.. no I am not fine the way I am. I am not even close to fine.
I am going to try to explain it to those that don't understand. Imagine that you own this beautiful mansion, in your perfect setting, built exactly like you want, you can see it in your minds eye, because you are locked in Alcatraz, with it's large crumbling walls, damp wet cells, with chains and shackles on your hands and feet, for a crime you didn't commit, and you put in appeal after appeal work countless programs so you can get out... yet you are still there, dreaming of your beautiful home. That is what it feel like being in this body to me. I can't look at it in a mirror without getting tears, I don't want anyone else to see it, God forbid you try to take a pic of me because I am going to yell DON'T GET MY BODY IN THAT! That is just no way to live. Does this help any of you understand what this feels like? It feels like prison.
I know before I even post this that a certain someone is going to be all over me, (Hi.. I know you are coming at me.. but keep reading please) While I am sitting here this morning, pouring this all out... again. I need you to know that I am proud. Proud that I have found this way of eating. I am proud that I have stuck to my workout goals. I am proud that I am trying and not still nose diving into food and alcohol every night to just dull the pain. I am proud that I am truly taking the time to learn about myself and better ways of coping. I am proud that while I feel like I should "lose turty pound this munt" I know that is unrealistic in the grand scheme of things. So while there are little cracks of doubt, I am still focused on the journey as a whole, and I have no intention of backing down. I will see this through, I will allow my body and mind time to adjust and HEAL. I will get out of this prison. I will stay the course.
This weeks goals:
Gallon of water a day : I did great until Saturday and Sunday.. didn't quite make it those days last week.
Run .60 a mile 5 days.
Strength 4 days
Zumba 1 day.
Peloton Core 5 days.
Signing off today with this, are there places in your life that you imprisoned? Is it time for you to make that final appeal to be released?
Peace Love and Light,
Re
While I am only 5 pounds off of my start weight from that journey I am MUCH larger, which also makes me feel like I should be taking this fat off much faster. The bigger you are the faster it comes off at first, or supposedly. I did take some time to go back and look at the high dollar journey and from what I can tell, I lost nothing at all until midway through the second month, so basically 6 weeks of no change on the scale, then the last 6 weeks I lost 30 pounds all of a sudden. Maybe my body is just resistant to change, maybe I have broken my metabolism so badly that it is going to take a while to kick in. Maybe I am just doing everything wrong and not really in Ketosis. Maybe I just need to give myself a break and STAY THE COURSE. I am half tempted to spend the $50 to get a Ketones checker, just to be sure. I mean it is $50.. do you know how much much I have already spent trying to lose this weight? What's another $50 just to be sure.
I realize that this all takes time, and I didn't just get fat overnight, it has been decades, of abuse, booze, food, and depression that has gotten me where I am today and while I feel great, I am sticking to the plan, I am recording everything, I am DOING the workouts, I still want to look as good as I am feeling. People tell me I am beautiful, you don't see what I see. People tell me I am fine the way I am, no.. no I am not fine the way I am. I am not even close to fine.
I am going to try to explain it to those that don't understand. Imagine that you own this beautiful mansion, in your perfect setting, built exactly like you want, you can see it in your minds eye, because you are locked in Alcatraz, with it's large crumbling walls, damp wet cells, with chains and shackles on your hands and feet, for a crime you didn't commit, and you put in appeal after appeal work countless programs so you can get out... yet you are still there, dreaming of your beautiful home. That is what it feel like being in this body to me. I can't look at it in a mirror without getting tears, I don't want anyone else to see it, God forbid you try to take a pic of me because I am going to yell DON'T GET MY BODY IN THAT! That is just no way to live. Does this help any of you understand what this feels like? It feels like prison.
I know before I even post this that a certain someone is going to be all over me, (Hi.. I know you are coming at me.. but keep reading please) While I am sitting here this morning, pouring this all out... again. I need you to know that I am proud. Proud that I have found this way of eating. I am proud that I have stuck to my workout goals. I am proud that I am trying and not still nose diving into food and alcohol every night to just dull the pain. I am proud that I am truly taking the time to learn about myself and better ways of coping. I am proud that while I feel like I should "lose turty pound this munt" I know that is unrealistic in the grand scheme of things. So while there are little cracks of doubt, I am still focused on the journey as a whole, and I have no intention of backing down. I will see this through, I will allow my body and mind time to adjust and HEAL. I will get out of this prison. I will stay the course.
This weeks goals:
Gallon of water a day : I did great until Saturday and Sunday.. didn't quite make it those days last week.
Run .60 a mile 5 days.
Strength 4 days
Zumba 1 day.
Peloton Core 5 days.
Signing off today with this, are there places in your life that you imprisoned? Is it time for you to make that final appeal to be released?
Peace Love and Light,
Re
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