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Counting Blue Cars

5/31/2013

I have been having random lyrics and songs pop into my head lately. This one is kinda stuck.

"Tell me all your thoughts on God
'Cause I would really like to meet her
And ask her why we're who we are.
Tell me all your thoughts on God
'Cause I am on my way to see her
So tell me am I very far, am I very far now?"

I can't tell you why certain things get hung up but they do. I guess part of this one is I always wondered why God couldn't be a her. I am sure the Bible says somewhere or explains it, I am just not that studied on it. I just know that WE were created in God's image and the last time I checked I was a her. By the way this has absolutely nothing to do with this blog post so before you go running off because you think I am going into some long debate as to if God is a Him or a Her, stick around this isn't really about God at all. Well sorta but bare with me!

Back to the lyrics... I would like to meet "her" (using this because that is what the lyrics said so just hang tight k?) I would like to ask lots of things, but why we are who we are is one thing, and what am I is another. I am not a widow, I am not an orphanage, there is no term for a parent who has lost a child, how can that be? Are we such a pitiful group that people don't want to title us something out of fear of belonging. Don't you fear becoming a widow, or an orphanage? By the way I did a quick little google search on it and it turned up many things, like depressed, suicidal, empty, and quite a few nasty snarky comments that don't even deserve being shared. So yes I would like to ask God what exactly am I? Two babies gone.. and yet I am still supposed to be strong enough to carry on for the others.

As for being on my way to see "her" aren't we all? From the moment we are born we are on our way to see her. Regardless of it is 15, 19, or 98 years we are on our way. I wish someone could tell me if I was very far now, maybe that would ease some of this pain. To have a date and a time, to understand that in X days I will be with my loved ones in this wonderful place everyone calls paradise.

Ahhhh now we get to the point of my post. Paradise. Many people have said Deanna is in Paradise with my grandparents, her brother and friends.(Insert if one more person tells me she is "In a better place" please forgive my answer to you, I have about had it with that particular comment) I have one question. How do you know? Have you been there? How do you know it is what my daughter or I would call paradise? They say the streets are lined with silver and paved with gold, that doesn't exactly sound like my kind of place to tell you the truth. I think De and I would rather have dirt roads with a couple of mud pits to run through but maybe that is silver and gold to us and that is what happens. Is Heaven OUR paradise or someone else's paradise? Are there fox hounds in heaven? If not I can promise you that it is not somewhere my Daddy would want to be forever.

How do we know each other if our bodies are left behind? Are our souls so connected that we just know, do we resemble our selves to others as they remember us? Will I look the same to Memo as when she left and she will know me? Will I have to tell her who I am? How did she know Deanna when she got there? Why do I have this overwhelming feeling that the moment Deanna left this earth and entered heaven she was met by Memo exclaiming "Oh look here she comes!" Why is that in my head? Where did that thought even come from.

I don't have to worry about hell too much, I found it here on earth. Maybe I have a strange way of looking at things, maybe I can't find bible verses to support my thoughts, but my thoughts are just that. Thoughts. I do believe we go to heaven, I do believe we are judged as we get there, I do believe we are allowed in and we meet with our loved ones and I imagine that they praise us for our good, and they help guide us through our bad, and until the good out weighs the bad, we are sent back here to figure it out again and try to do better. I don't think we come back AS us, as the same people, I don't think we remember the last time we were here. (Unless you happen to be a little kid in the back seat of his mom's car talking about the last time he was here and things he did, and after being told that he never did those things, he exclaimed.. NO not this time that I was here the last time, when I had the OTHER mommy.)

Anyway I have this theory... that part of this world is hell. Can you tell me that what I am going through isn't every parents worst nightmare? Let me ask you this, if you could chose between your child's life and burning in hell for eternity which would you chose? Exactly... this is worse than hell because I can't even make that deal! I know we all have our opinions and thoughts and that is great, I am glad because what a boring place this world would be if we were all alike and just think of the interesting things you wouldn't hear if you didn't know me, or if I thought like anyone else.

But now I would like to know "What are your thoughts on heaven?" Is it a place of clouds and harps, a place of your brightest dreams, another plane of learning before coming back here to complete our missions in better ways? Do we stay there forever, and if we don't make it in are we sent right to the pits of hell? I am posing this question to EVERYONE, religious, none religious, Christians and non Christians alike. I really want to hear your thoughts on where we go after leaving our earthly bodies.

I am also going to touch on one other thing here today.. in regards to yesterday's post. If you happen to be reading this blog, and your thoughts are, she should just get over it, move on, and that I am ridiculous. I ask you right this moment to never come back here again. My words aren't for you, my pain is not for you to judge or be part of, if I am such a pathetic person why come back here again and again so you can use my own words to hurt me further. I know I should not let petty people like you influence my emotions or my thoughts but I am not going to lie to anyone here, I am not as strong as I appear and there are major cracks in my feelings and emotions and tiny words from tiny people knock out big chucks. Let me explain something to you lady, my daughter had a bright beautiful wonderful future in front of her, did it dawn on you that it is taking me a bit longer to "just get over it" because of this. My daughter was not ill or in pain or doing anything to hurt anyone, she was just going about her carefree way and was all of a sudden gone. My situation is much different than yours, maybe you felt some relief at knowing some suffering was over. Maybe that is why you could get over and move on so easily, not my call, not for me to judge. I am thankful that you don't feel this pain, I thank God that you don't. But I ask you to please not judge my grief, my words, or the time it takes. I am not just standing up for myself as I speak out to you, I stand up for all parents of lost children who's family, friends, and enemies don't take the time to realize that every one of us grieves differently. If my words to you allows one person to stand up for themselves today, tomorrow, or next year then I again Thank God that you attempted to hurt me, your hurt I can turn around to help someone else. Want to know why.. because I refuse to let the devil beat me. I might be in his hell, but he can't keep me here unless I let him.

I ask you all today to Give, something of yourself today, even if it is a piece of your mind, Live and be kind, you can say words with out being nasty (see above) and above all HUG.. someone.. anyone.. but especially yourself as you hop in your car to start your weekend.

Much Love to you all!
De's Mommy

13 Comments

We don't look very delicate do we?

5/30/2013

11 Comments

Good Morning.. or afternoon or whatever it is. I don't really care at the moment.
My plans have been changed and jerked around (by my own doing) so much this morning in regards to this weekend, it could be Christmas and I not know it. There has been a shift in my brain.. and days don't count.. minutes and hours do... I don't know why it is just the way it is. I guess I was so wrapped up on the number of days since De left that I couldn't think of anything else and my brain finally said ENOUGH.. ABORT DAYS ABORT DAYS. It does that to me a lot about different things.

Regardless of what day it is, or hour, or anything it has been 40 days 3 hours and 30 minutes.

In that time frame I have learned some things, who my true friends are, who truly loves me, that busy bodies can be HURTFUL, that I make people uncomfortable, that people don't know how to approach me, that people feel they have to go through my family or my friends to ask if I am ok. Let me start with that last one.

I am a human, I am a woman, I am a bootcamper, I am a mother, I am sister, I am a daughter, I am a friend, I am a cousin, and I am niece... but let me tell you what I am starting to see. That many of you don't see that anymore. What it seems that many people see is a Grieving Mother. Period. Yes I am that too. OPERATIVE WORD "TOO!" While the truth is I don't like being around many people at the moment, or even like going out, I do enjoy talking in chat, text and emails. I understand that some don't understand that as a valued conversation but to me right now that is about the ONLY conversation I have. It is when I can freely express myself in words and not have to worry about the recipient seeing tears in my eyes and worrying they are hurting me in some fashion, which sometimes is true and sometimes it's just that a memory popped in my head.

What I am finding that I am not fond of, is people feeling like I have gate keepers, secretaries, or body guards. Those first few days, yes, I needed them, because mainly I couldn't even stand on my own much less make any kind of coherent sentence in response to conversations. Everyone keeps saying, I need to get back to being me, I need to start doing the things I used to, I need to get my routine back. To all of you I say.. what about you? When will you get back to being you? I understand that I Facebook more than most and LOTs of my feelings and instant reactions pop up in your news feeds and time lines, what I don't understand is the number of times in the past month I have gotten phone calls and texts from my family and closest friends in a panic over if I am ok or not! The conversation ususally goes like this:

Re?
Me: Yea
Are you ok?
Me: Define ok?
Are you ok at the moment.. is something happening right now.. do I need to come over.. do I need to sit with you,, Do I need to call 911?
Me: Umm no why?
Well I just got 20 text and 5 phone calls and 6 pigeons came with notes saying that you were in a crisis!

Me: Oh.. yea I posted on Facebook I was freaked out.

Now here is the interesting thing. Yes I was freaking out, but do you know what I was freaking out about? Nope you don't. This is ME people, Re.. I could have been freaking out because Terry was standing outside of my window with a clown mask on, or I could have been freaking out because I couldn't find a piece of paper, or I could be freaking out because my child is gone and I don't know how to deal with it. There is a vast range of things I could be freaking out about, and personally I don't feel that I should have to stop and think to myself how many phone calls are my friends and family going to get before I post this? Quite honestly I think some of you think I am so crazy that if I posted that the "Sun was shining and the Birds are signing" you would be concerned and think I should be committed.

While I am not saying that I am not half crazy (because believe me I am) what I am saying is that anything that gets posted on Facebook by ME that you have a question about come to me. If you aren't close enough to me to ask me or feel uncomfortable asking me yourself, then you should feel MORE uncomfortable asking my family and friends. A simple text to me asking.. are you ok? would work.. or a facebook message.. I mean that is where you are reading about my craziness right?

I would apologize here for sounding angry but I am honestly not that sorry for it. What I am sorry about is that some how I have put myself in a position that people don't know how to approach me and feel the need to burden my family with even more stress of worrying about me every second because I posted that my shoes string broke on facebook and you are reading into it that I am getting ready to jump off a bridge.

Let me be very clear here, I do APPRECIATE VERY VERY MUCH, each sincere inquiry in regards to how I am, how my family is, and how we are making out. What has me in a bunch right now is the stress that people are causing my family over MY WRITING. Yes my writing is sad, yes it is raw, yes it is hard to read, let me explain something, if it weren't all of those things right now, THAT is when you should worry. That is when you should make the phone calls.

I expressed yesterday that I was having a hard time communicating and that to was taken out of context as I may not be communicating well, which in it self is really funny because it was a post about not communicating well... anyway... My point was that I was having a hard time expressing EXACTLY what I needed. I was "round abouting" and that was leading to confusion which I created on my own. However, right now, I am going to be VERY VERY clear what I need when it comes to communication ABOUT ME.

If you are worried about me, facebook me. If you are concerned over my blog post, email me. If you don't like what I put on facebook and think I am going to jump off jockey's ridge (oh wait we do that) TEXT ME!

I am still here, I am still a real person, and if you don't have my number ask ME for it on Facebook

What I am asking for here is that you not burden my family or friends with MY THOUGHTS. They see them too, they have facebook and email and read my blogs, there is nothing you know that they don't. There is only one person on this planet that knows where I am 99% of the time... and I can promise you .... none of you have been contacting the right person.

I will close this by saying two things:
One: this is NOT directed to one person, I know no one who has called personally only that it has been done repeatedly and by more than one person and to more than enough people that I call my body guards.

Two :something so simple... you want to know when you should worry.. when you should contact my family or my friends...

When I stop posting.

I wish you all well and hope that in time you will remember that I am here. I am real.
Much Love
Re

PS I also realize as I am typing the end of this that the people that need to see this probably wont and the ones that do read it will think it is about them when it is not.. UGH... So please.. the only thing I am saying is CONTACT ME! If I don't answer the phone, don't worry, I rarely do, don't expect a call back just because you called, as I have stated I have no real voice most of the time, so text, email, and facebook away peeps!

11 Comments

What was that sound???

5/29/2013

7 Comments

I can promise you the sound did not sound like hers, but it was a laugh regardless. And the fact that I was laughing at myself I suppose made it even better.. because I can bet you money she would have been laughing at me too.. HARD! Who runs along and then just SPLAT??!!?? Face first in the sand. It has been called a Graceful Flop... I am pretty sure that is not the case at all. I was standing one second and face first the next. I didn't even have a hole to blame it on, JUST SPLAT. I had two choices at that second.. laugh or cry. I laughed. I think that was the first real, spontaneous laugh, that didn't feel forced.

I have this sneaky suspicion that some little mischievous angel thought to herself this morning.. that Mommy of mine NEEDS to laugh, and tripped me. Heck she would have done it if she was running beside me.. or shoved me.. or hip bumped me.. so why not now. I am also equally sure that Pop said... "that girl ain't fell off any" Memo came out with "Oh you all you tripped your Mama!" Bygar probably told De that I would get her back for that, Grandaddy that is an easy one he said "Umpph" and Mel and Dustin .. they laughed just as hard with De. I may be totally wrong about heaven, because seriously we just don't know. Everyone can say that it is a better place, and it is beautiful and a paradise, but do we know? How do we know? That is where my faith resides, I have to have faith that where she is, is better than there. Better than this. My heaven, we know each other, we are with each other, we can say the things that we didn't get to, or apologize for the things we did. That is what my heaven is like. I think we can all safely agree that we may have different images of heaven and that is ok. I am sure we all have different version of hell as well, personally I feel like THIS is hell.

My point of today's post was that even though the sound was so foreign to me, I did laugh, I felt comfortable enough out there face planted in the sand, to truly allow myself to just be, even for just a second (we won't discuss the fact that I cried after I dropped Drake off for school, but it is about baby steps right??) Thankfully I had some really cool people around me that did the whole.. OH MY Gosh are you alright? And all I could do was just laugh and managed to get up, didn't bother to dust off because by that point there was no point, and made my way back to where I had the rope.

Part of Bootcamp is that we come up with a Give, something we give up for 6 weeks to better ourselves, typically it is fried foods, soft drinks, sugar, or hmm.. well wine (yikes) but this 6 weeks my give was shown to me today. I give myself the right to LAUGH at the silly stuff when out there with my team and not feel badly about it! Unusual yes.. but much needed. It is hard not to feel guilty, when life is moving on and hers was cut so suddenly and tragically short. It is hard for me to enjoy anything as I feel like my baby is not why should I? This isn't fair, I have done this stuff before, she should have the chance. Unfortunately life doesn't work that way and we can't pick and chose who stays and who goes, because believe me I would trade my life for hers in a heart beat.

Something has come to light in the last day or so, I have pretty much figured out what she was wearing that day. Her Bootcamp red. It has been hard enough on me not to associate Bootcamp with her time here with me on the beach, and the fact that this up coming summer that she was so looking forward to it again. Now it will forever be ingrained in me that she went to heaven wearing the insignia of a group that she respected, loved and admired. As I was cleaning her room the other day I found her original Bootcamp band and I wear it on my left wrist closer to my heart. All I can say is:

"Sis I will do the best I can, it may not be great, it will be really hard knowing how much it meant to you, it may not be pretty but I will go, and please stop tripping me, that was embarrassing! I know you sent the message to not quit, I don't know yet what it is that I am not supposed to quit exactly but I will start with this and the Give. Live. Hug. The Deanna Project and hope that is what you mean Sis. I love you!"

To you all in the words of Rev Jay Bowman... Do something for someone today, I said do it even if it is for yourself by remembering your Deanna Hug!

Much love to you all
De's Mommy

7 Comments

If I could turn back time...

5/28/2013

1 Comment

I woke up with that song playing in my head..

While most of the words don't fit correctly the main point fits well. I would do anything to turn back time. Even have some weird dream where I am going to California and realize that when we land we are hours ahead of when we left and if I just keep flying that way it will go backwards. Ok so my brain is weird even when I am sleeping but it sounded logical when I woke up.

This weekend I sorted through some of De's belongs, well all of them I suppose, I don't really remember much of what happened at my mothers. I know I was looking for certain things, some things I found, others I didn't and the things in between I am not sure what happened to. I realize I get obsessed over little things, now it is two sweat shirts and and her bootcamp shirt. Sunday after looking everywhere I could think of to find them, it dawned on me, I don't know what she was wearing. How could I not know what she was wearing. In my head all this time she had on what I last saw her in, but I knew that couldn't be right I folded those. My brain does not process simple things correctly. Like I still think that she should at any minute walk through the door.

I know that De guided some of the process over the weekend, it was all done unexpectedly, and without fore thought. Had it been a planned task I am not sure that I would have made it through the door. However, I still felt like an intruder, that I was going through De's things like some kind of snoop. I can't even tell you the number of notes I found between her and her friends, I did not read any of them.. just quickly placed them in a box. They are her personal feelings and thoughts, they are not for me to know, even now. Decisions were made about some of her favorite items and who would get the most comfort from them, but it is the missing puzzle pieces that haunt me. Class rings, t shirts, sweat shirts...all material things all replaceable but THOSE were hers! Her things... they shouldn't be lost, she shouldn't be gone. How did I not know what she had on, why hadn't I asked? I just saw her in what I wanted her in I think.

By the time I got home yesterday, I was completely and totally and utterly exhausted. Forgetting it was Monday and not Sunday really threw another curve ball at me. I didn't want to be alone, when I am in Mathews I am never really alone, I am either with my Daddy or Ed 99% of the time. (before anyone says well Drake was here, yes he was, he was asleep and not feeling well himself, and lets face it he is 15, how many 15 year olds do you know really want to sit there and watch their mom). I don't particularly like going anywhere because my sadness just starts to mirror on the people I am around and that is not fair to anyone. It dawned on me again last night that my life as I knew it stopped that morning, that I am stuck there, that time hasn't moved, when other people are living life and being happy, I am just here. I am afraid I have pulled Amanda into that stillness with me as most nights she is right here with me flipping through the channels, just sitting. That isn't fair to her, but I remembered what day it was before asking her to come over thankfully, I know the one night that she gets to be her is Monday.

Having said that, to the many of you that have said, when you want to go out let me know, or come over to dinner, or XYZ is Thursday night we should go, I do not decline because I don't love you. I decline because I just physically do not have the energy to move. My energy is spent just doing the things I HAVE to do. Work, laundry, house cleaning, driving, even breathing takes everything I have got in me. I don't have the energy to put on a mask to be around people, to pretend like dinner is good, or to act like that I can even follow the conversation that is being had. So I guess what I am saying is I am sorry please don't take my declines personally, it is just not something I can do. At least not yet. I can't even tell you if that will ever change or not, but this is who I am right now.

I realize I am yet again going around in circles because my mind is in 100 places at once, thinking of meetings and appointments and unloading the box of De's things from my car that I just couldn't manage to get out last night. My wish to you all this week is to have a happy one, live every second of it, as De doodled on many papers "Smile, life is too short"

Much Love
De's Mommy

1 Comment

Ramblings..

5/23/2013

4 Comments

I should have bought those hats... those are the coolest. On this day De and I had taken Autumn with us on a girls day. I think we pedicured,shopped, ate out, acted silly but most of all I remember Autumn saying we were CRAZY over the way we sang "I just can't wait to be King". Yes, it was a bit animated.

I think that is one thing that is holding me back from accepting reality, she was so animated and full of life. How does it just stop? It seems it should linger slowly fading but it has been more like a switch was flipped from your life, to your hell with no transition time. Many people have said that I am being too hard on myself, and that I need to take it easy, that life was just the way it was and I did the best I could. Yes while that is true, I already had hidden guilt and regret over myself as a mother, so losing Lil Dustin and Deanna have really made me question how a Mommy could screw up so badly that two are now angels. So it will and is going to take me some time to get through and work through my own feelings of worthlessness, helplessness and uselessness. I pray that in the mean time of working through that my true friends can stand beside me and my boys don't get angry at me.

I posted on facebook that I had $63 dollars stolen from me over night, it was my fault I left my wallet in the car, I know better this time of year. The thief had to literally MOVE my bible to get to my wallet as it was in the bottom of my bible bag. My HOPE is that it was some homeless person that really needed it, my dread is that it was a couple of rich brats that were just out to take from people. I am thankful my credit cards and drivers license were not taken, just the cash. This is the main reason I thought kids, I think a trained thief would grab the bag and run. But a precious Bible from my Aunt Ann presented to me for Christmas the year Deanna was born was left unharmed, that is just something that could not be replaced.

Amanda and I were sitting here last night discussing the book that WE will be using in the bible study group. Yes I said we... I have asked her to join me and I think she is going to be coming too. I was going over with her the first part of the book and what we had discussed I underlined a few things three to be exact. One our homework lesson that I completed yesterday, and the other two are as follows:

Psalms 25:14 which is the scripture the book is based on
and
John 10:10 The Thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

Interesting I would say since I feel like I have had a thief hot on my heels for weeks now. One thing right after the other, the biggest being the accident of course but other things that have impacted the situation, organ donation was unsuccessful, I have to work to rerent my house in VA, finding out the driver side of the car was relatively undamaged, someone physically going and snooping around my home and stealing from me, over hearing and rehearing that woman's voice in my head saying I was basically nothing, all the way down to small like things like my favorite coffee pot dying. There is a thief in my life and I am thankful that I am surrounded by dozens and dozens of strong people that help keep the devil at bay and say the right words when I am hovering on the edge of the end. Like I said rambling because I have no idea where I am headed with this. I suppose I am just saying that it seems the stronger I attempt to become the more is thrown at me, and I don't know or understand why.

I have contemplating confronting the woman, who spoke so badly about me, about printing off yesterday's blog and having it delivered to her. Part of me knows that it is out of revenge, part of me knows it is so that she knows how badly she hurt not only me because it was obvious that she didn't care about that, but De's family, someone she supposedly loved so much, and part of me knows it is so maybe the next time she has something so dreadful to say about someone, instead of opening her mouth to let of spew of venom come out she pray for them instead. I have never really been in this situation before were I so calmly want to let someone know what they did. Usually it is RETREAT if I think there is some salvage at a later time to a friendship or it is CHARGE, no one wants to meet me on charge. I might not be the best Kickboxer on the OBX but I participated in my fair share of scraps growing up, pretty sure I can still land a punch or two when needed. Sorry Mama and Aunt Ann but you both knew I wasn't exactly a girly girl. Either way I don't want to resort to either of those two, I just simply want the words I have written delivered to her. I don't know why... I am just overwhelmed and obsessed with those words and I feel like until I confront them head on I will never get by them.

And a quick goggle search provides me with answers.. google such a powerful tool to those that don't know the Bible well.

Matthew 18:15 ESV / 90 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. "

While you all know WHAT was done, you don't know the who, and I would never tell the who that isn't my place. So maybe a simple copy of the hurt they caused by the words they said is in order. Maybe it will save one more person from the wrath of her tongue. I don't know.. we will see... but it has weighed HEAVY on me.

Ok enough of that. Like I said today's post is purely a ramble. So on to another subject.

My friend Amanda. There is so much I can say about this wonderful soul who is a constant in my life. When she heard of Deanna's accident she wanted to get there THEN not two minutes later THEN. And she did get there shortly there after and truly has not left me since. Many nights she sits with me watching TV, sounds odd I suppose that we just sit and watch TV but we do, the cool thing about my TV is it has a pause button and when I feel a few words or memories coming or things I need to just talk out we pause and talk awhile. Last night I realized that at times when I am with her my brain opens up and memories come back to me. Memories of the scene, memories of the past and things about Deanna, things that just sitting here today I don't really remember. Our brains work in mysterious ways giving us only the snips and snaps we can handle at a time and then when alone shut them back off. Last night we had a lengthy conversation about my feelings as I was coming upon the accident and it was helpful to get it out and realizing that my brain was trying to process what I was about to witness. I remembered after hearing the words from my mother that Deanna was gone, that the thought went through my head, How are you going to react to this? What are you going to do when you get there? Like another person was talking to me trying to evaluate what was to come. I remember thinking JUST GET TO DEANNA! Don't let anything stop you GET TO DEANNA. and that is exactly what I tried to do. I don't know what, who, or how I was stopped I just remember I was and I think it was at that moment my brain started screaming ABORT PLAN ABORT PLAN RETREAT RETREAT that is how far I have gotten in my memories of what happened. After that, nothingness.

It is the times I spend with her just quietly sitting doing nothing other than NOT thinking that these thoughts come back to me. What I am saying is her presence just sitting quietly with my does my brain and heart good and in time I believe that the memories will come back, the good and the dreadful but I believe that both are needed to even begin healing from a place of such a dreadful hurt.

Remember your Deanna Hug this weekend, let a special angel hug you tight while you are out and about this holiday weekend. Give someone that needs it a dollar if you have it, Live just a little bit lighter, sing even it if off key, and as always just Hug someone!

Much Love
De's Mommy

4 Comments

Letter to De

5/22/2013

0 Comments

De,

You tried. I am so sorry that what you wanted didn't happen. You will be honored regardless simply for the wish of your unselfish final gift. If I could change it, I would, if I could bring you back, I would.

You can, however, bet on a couple of things, one, I will NOT let the Deanna Hug project fail! I know now that if you had only had it on that you would be here with us right now. Granddaddy went today to the car, I didn't mean for him to see it but he decided to, and the damage was to the other side. I don't understand why you didn't have it on! I never will. I am not angry at you honey, I just don't understand. I will raise awareness and scream and shout to anyone who will listen the complete and total NEED to have it on EACH AND EVERY TIME! It takes 2 seconds to save a lifetime of pain and grief. TWO SECONDS.

The other things is organ donation, Ganee has that one under control. There will be a greater awareness raised in regards to time frames and protocols needed when a person is an organ donor. I am so sorry that the Medical Examiner was too busy to come to you when they were called. Had they made it sooner maybe your final wish would have happened. While I HATE that I am even aware of this issue, I will do my best to ensure that others don't feel the added pain of knowing their loved one was unable to help others, due to lack of procedures or the fact that someone was at a picnic. There should be back ups and policies. There aren't any in little small towns like ours. We are an after thought to the big places like Richmond. I am so sorry my sweet girl.

I know you know that Drake and I graduated from Bootcamp this morning. The only thing missing from our photo was you. I had you with me, your heart, right where it belonged right next to mine. I made you my honor graduate, the day you left us, my angel honor graduate that will keep me going even when I don't want to go. As I look on my arm at the new bands given to me today it serves as a reminder for me not to give up. I know you wouldn't want that. Drake did so good honey, you would have been proud of him. He went when I couldn't, he encouraged me to go when I could, but he never stopped. Even on the days he didn't sleep so good the night before he carried on and went. He has been a rock, a steady right there when I needed him. Just the quiet "Mom, don't cry" that he whispers to me at times remind me that you taught him compassion well. There was a time he didn't do so good in that department, but you always had a kind and soft word for those who were hurting, He couldn't have learned it from anyone but you.

I love you so much my sweet angel and I am so so sorry.
Until I see you again.
Mommy

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One PROUD Mama!

5/22/2013

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I found it rather comical that our "homework" from the new bible study that started last night was to journal. Ok.. CHECK! The specific assignment is as follows:

Are you wearing a mask? Look deeply into your heart. Is there someone who knows your deepest fears, failures and sins. In your journal today, talk to God Frankly (who knew God's name was Frankly?? ok ok Kidding) about it and begin to ask him what to do about it.

Let's see am I wearing a mask.. yup. My mask is different though because Frankly (giggle.. sorry) I am an open book when it comes to my true self. I am who I am, I have pink hair, I party too hard sometimes, I play often, I don't hold back, I don't quit even when I should, but I AM who I am. I don't hide it, I don't try to be something or someone I am not. But on a more biblical study group note and something that came up last night: I don't put on the "Praise God Hallelujah mask" of the perfect Christian who goes to church every Sunday or is at every service smiling and happy and pretending to be something I am not. I go when I go, I serve when I can. Never have I ever played the role of the "perfect Christian" and I probably never will. The mask I do wear is the one of strength during this time. So many people say "I am amazed at your strength, you are so strong." The truth, I am not. I am a flipping disaster! At this point in my life I suppose it is to be expected and I don't FEEL strong at all. I think that is my mask.. my "mask of strength" and as I pointed out rather bluntly in bible study last night... the drugs help. I don't hide my hurt or grief so I don't understand how people are seeing this strength, so I can only assume I am wearing a mask around others. What I thought I was doing was hiding or staying in the back or putting myself in the position so I can get out and get out quick. I still don't do well with lots of people talking. Last night in group I was so grateful that Ms Margaret spoke up when 4 people all started at one time and called it back to just the one that needed to talk, it still pushes me to a point I can't stand when there is rambling coming at me from different directions.

My sins, failures, and deepest fears are also an open book, I don't hold back on my blogs or in my life. I do what I do, some right, some wrong. I don't hide it from God, my family or friends. My failures are as public as my accomplishments. My deepest darkest fears have occurred, how can I be afraid of anything else after the death of two of my babies. What else is there to fear? My own death? That to me is comical as well, while I am NOT suicidal, so please don't call the men in white coats on me, if I died today, it would be a welcomed relief from the pain that I have been left here with. The only pain of my death would be that my parents would feel THIS. Do I have an irrational fear that the death of another of my children could happen, I don't think so, why not, because how can you fear something that is so possible. Did I have that fear before Deanna's accident? Yes. I won't lie. Did I fear it before Lil Dustin died? Yes. Did I imagine what would happen if I lost one of my children? Yes. Our family has been riddled with the death of our children, you would not be human if you didn't wonder yourself ,would I survive the death of my own child. Would I scream for hours? Would I be calm and go through the motions? Would my life be over? Normal rational questions that one thinks about when someone close to them is going through this. I have found out the answer to those questions twice now. The answer is there is no answer. You don't know until it happens and even after it does you don't remember what you did or how you reacted or how or if you are going to survive. My deepest fears, they came to light. What else is there for me to fear?? Does that mean I don't worry about my boys? NO! I worry greatly, but when your worst fear becomes reality, I don't think you can ever label it as fear again, but more of a possibility.

My failures, my biggest failure I have always said it was as a mother. I have never felt like I was a good mom, ever. I always felt I wasn't doing enough. I couldn't give them enough. I wasn't stable enough, because lets face it I am all over the place. I wasn't there enough. But when you are made to feel like a bad mom, sometimes you feel that the best thing you can do for your children is to not burden the children with your crazy. I never felt like I didn't LOVE them enough. I loved them tremendously, enough that I felt they deserved better than me. So before you judge me for things I did in my past where my children were considered maybe you should have walked a mile in my shoes and felt the hurt in my heart that I couldn't give them what someone else could. You try making the choice of having your babies close to you and struggling to just survive or letting them go and have everything they could dream of. But believe me I have the greatest amount of guilt and regret over not standing up and saying I can do this! They may not have had great vacations, or they may have been with a baby sitter more than they should have been, they may not have had home cooked meals every night but they would have had me. Crazy or not. On the flip side of that, they did have me in their life, they weren't abandoned, I did not walk out on my children never to return and in the process of how they were raised each and every one of them turned into AMAZING young adults! AMAZING! So my failure in this is my own, yes it took a village to raise my kids, and that is ok because they turned out great. But please dont judge me for my decisions without knowing the inside story, I judge myself enough. So speaking of judgement, I hope that this paragraph gets to that little busy body that so nicely with me sitting there said I was "no mother", check yourself lady... because the love of a mother comes in MANY FORMS! And there is one thing I have learned since that day.. you said that my daughter TOLD you that I didn't want her and she felt like she didn't have a mother. I learned my dear you LIE. It took me a few days or weeks actually but I know in EVERY ounce of my being that was a lie. My daughter and I may not have lived in the same house all of her 19 years, but if she doubted me so much, would you care to explain to me why she was so excited to get back here on June 17th? If she was so close to you as you said, why was there never a mention of you to me or any other of her closest friends? Want to know what else I learned about your little scene. First that God is much stronger than me, because as I was sitting there listening to your words, I couldn't move. I was rendered motionless, which you should be grateful for, because at that moment if I could have moved I can promise you that the next time you opened your mouth about someone so horribly it would have been without teeth. Second I learned that the devil will get in, into your heart and mind, in many different forms. You with tears in your eyes, standing there, so apparently sad, were nothing more than the devils messenger that day. Third I learned that you have to forgive, I forgive you and I pray for you, but I will never forget the words you spoke, I pray for you because there is something purely evil in your heart. Regardless if you knew I was there or not, you were looking at a grandmother who just lost her grand daugther and telling her how much of a piece of crap you thought HER daughter was. Lady... you need some serious prayer. I think I got off of the topic of failure to a degree. I guess though if I didn't feel like a failure as a mom her words would not have bothered me so it ties in.

As for my sin... we don't have enough time. I think that based on my life everyone knows I am a sinner, to be honest we all are right? I don't hide my sins from God. I am not big enough to even think I can hide anything God. Come on now.. that would be silly. Ok enough of my journalling home work!

I have news! Drake and I completed the first of the summer Outer Banks Bootcamps session this morning! While I was not there for quite a few and attended when I could, I did make the run today from Awful Arthur's to the monument today with my team. At the end I see Drake standing behind the Rev screaming "Go MOM! You can make it!" I am proud that my friend Brant was named honor graduate and my friend Tyler's Dad Billy the other, but to me in my heart, this session the honor graduates were Deanna and Drake. I sent Deanna to heaven with my honor graduate tag, I have not mentioned this to anyone other than Matt until today, the reason I did this was because of the testimony her short life showed and I realized that SHE deserved the honor much more than I. She helped people when she could, she was always available with a smile and a hug, whether it be to a friend, fellow bootcamper or a stranger. She touched so many more lives than I imagine I could in 90 years. Deanna was looking forward to getting back to her bootcamp family this summer and there is no doubt that she would have showed the support to her fellow team mates that only a true honor graduate could. She is my beautiful angel honor graduate forever. Now I am a bit bias here and not a General or a Rev, heck I don't think even think I am a private, so this is just my opinion and if I had another tag that had been presented, in the past, to me I would have given it to Drake today as MY honor graduate. Since the day we got home from Virginia after the nightmare began he has attended camp. He hasn't missed a day, and the days I came, he supported me and encouraged me with kind words of "Mom it will do you some good, will you please go with me?" On the days I couldn't when he came home he would burst in my room with a wide smile "MOM GUESS WHAT I DID!" it has been those moments that have kept me coming back to Bootcamp myself. Drake may not be the fastest or the strongest camper, and sometimes he complains a lot about the pain and as a mama I am going to explain a bit that maybe some of you don't know. Drake has grown over 6 inches in the last year, do you remember growing pains? Yea try growing THAT much. Another little secret that you probably don't know about Drake, bootcamp isn't all he does, he has weight lifting as a class EVERY DAY at school and after school he spends 2 hours at football practice. Of course the kid is slow out there .. HE HURTS! But not one session did he miss. Nothing held my boy back. So to you Drake you are MY honor graduate. I am so incredibly proud of you and thank you for being my rock. You are an amazing amazing kid!

So today I leave you with much of the same.. GIVE! Give your words of praise to your kids, family and friends. LIVE! Get outside today even for a moment and enjoy it. HUG! Someone anyone.. you don't know who's mom or son it could be!

And DON'T FORGET YOUR DEANNA HUG!
Much Love
De's Mommy

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Joy, silliness and grief...

5/21/2013

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There a probably quite a few things that I shouldn't tell anyone about this day, It was my best friends birthday and while it wasn't the day that I had De stand in a chair so I could serenade her (and the rest of the town) with a very off key version of "My Little Girl" it was still a fun day.

I have to start focusing on the good times, the moments of love, joy and complete totally silliness that we shared. She would want it that way, I do realize this, so many people tell me this, but the guilt and sadness of me not being the perfect Mommy consume me in ways that you could never imagine.

It is hard for me to focus on what is still here with her gone, her brothers, my job, her friends, my friends, our family. They are very important to me, yet feel so unreal without her here, like some kind of fog mixed with an overwhelming fear that this will happen again. I am sure many of you are thinking, it won't happen again that the odds are so slim, yet you forget it DID happen again. To me, to Drake, to our family, twice we have had to grieve the loss of a child, brother, and family member that should never have left us so soon.

It is for these reasons I personally am having a hard time with this up coming weekend. Drake is tired of making the trip to Virginia with me and says.. "Mom I just want to stay HOME. My life is here." I am forcing him to live a life with me in sadness with every trip I make back home but I NEED to be there. He says, "Mom I will be fine." and he always was before, but now, today, tomorrow, I can't trust that he will be ok. I am not being fair to him, to the the things he wants to do. I have never been the mother that had to know where her kids were every second, or needed to speak to them every day, I allowed them to be them without a hovering mama bird trying to alter who they were. I feel like I by my insistence on Drake traveling with me back and forth I am not trying to alter who and what he is and that is unfair to him.

I have to make the decision to let him do as he wishes or pull the ultimate Mom card and force him to go. Not the best position for me to be in right now, as I don't know if I am acting on common sense or ultra high emotional ramble. Something that I need to figure out between now and Thursday.

As always in closing Give. Live. Hug. today.
Much Love
De's Mommy

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A month...

5/20/2013

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A month can look like many things to many people... to a prisoner it could seem like a year, to a college grad working on that last bit to get that paper.. eternity, to a pregnant mother... FOREVER, to a kid in Disney land.. two shakes of a lambs tail... to a Trusz on a tropical island get away ... a blink of an eye. It's still the same time frame, a month. It's how those minutes are spent that make the difference, watching the clock, stressing, having fun, waiting a bit impatiently. Then there is me (and thousands of other others mothers in the world) who has just spent the first month without physically having their child with them anymore. I am not obnoxious enough to believe I am the ONLY person who feels this way, there are thousands of us, what pains me most is that they feel it too. I sincerely believe I would take this pain if it meant saving another mother from feeling it, saving my mother, your mother, ANY MOTHER from feeling the gut wrenching emptiness of the loss of a child. My month... time has stood still, nothing is real, everything a fog, things happened, I just don't know what days or when. All I know right this minute is that a month ago this very minute my daughter died. Alone.

Something haunts me about her being alone, it was so quick that I couldn't have changed it if I was there, but I still regret not fighting harder to get to her, to just hold her hand, just anything. My brain knows that would have not changed anything but my heart won't accept it. That I just didn't do enough. The image won't leave my head of her alone... just alone.

This weekend I completed a half marathon and a 5k in her memory, those miles moved forward, the steps I took moved me forward, but time has stood still. Time just waiting for the text counting down the days to when she would graduate and be back here with me where I felt she belonged. Where her new journey in life would take off, to beautiful beginings of a bright future. Those were stolen from her, from me, from her friends and family, that time is just gone. Everyone says I need to keep going and doing and just take one step further, the truth, I can take all the steps on this Earth that anyone wants but it will never be the same again.

I keep thinking that X will make me feel better, or Y will make me feel better, then guilt over trying X or Y because I shouldn't feel better, SHE should feel better not me. She should be happy and getting ready to graduate with her classmates. Happy that she was on her way to our beautiful beach. Happy to get back to her Bootcamp family. Instead she is gone and we are the ones left here unhappy that none of those things will happen now. I understand life goes on, I understand that people are getting married, graduating, having babies... all happy occurrences and while I WANT to be happy for them, some horrible part of me just wants to scream STOP! How can you just keep going, how can you expect me to be happy for you, how am I supposed to be happy? My child, my beautiful baby won't have those chances in life.

I know this blog is so focused on the sadness of the loss of Deanna and for that I apologize but focusing on anything else now seems impossible. Being consumed with this hurt and emptiness is just where I am.

Today I went to Bootcamp, I made a promise that I would go and I did. Our team did amazingly well, in the lead most of the time and performed well with the tasks that were handed to us. We weren't the "elite" team of the day, even I am smart enough to know that but we kicked butt. Six weeks ago I would have been shouting from the roof tops of our accomplishments, but all I could muster was .. "we did good". It all seems so pointless... running on a beach toting a log.. jumping in the ocean... seeing the sun come up again.. all things six weeks ago that meant so much to me. Now it is riddled with guilt of doing it without her, knowing that she won't be there in a month to join me. That she won't beat me to the finish line laughing at me the whole way because she was holding back from the start. There won't be any more photos of us at bootcamp graduations... no more who gets to shower first while the other walks the pup. How do I get by that, how do I go through a day without thinking of what she would be doing, or now what she is missing, how do I do the things that I know she would have wanted to do and even remotely feel ok doing them?

I realize at this point I am writing a post of rambling nonsense and it will probably leave you all shaking or scratching your head as to what I am even trying to say. In short.. when asked "How are you?" which by the way EVERYONE asks.. my answer is always one of the following, I'm ok. or I'm fine. or I'm standing. The only truthfully answer there is the last.. standing. That is all I am doing.. standing still in one horrible spot in life where my child is just gone, standing waiting on the day that I can be with her again.

I know this is not fair to my other children, I get that. I am sure at some point I will be able to move from this spot and be there for them, right now I am about as useless to them as a wet noodle as a shoe lace. I am pretty much the same way to my friends and family. They don't know what they will get if they call or text... sad, mad, or just numb. Today I am all of them.

I don't understand how my beautiful daughter was taken from this earth but murders, child molesters, 98 year old people begging to please let them go home are still here. I don't understand I will NEVER understand why my baby had to go. I know we aren't supposed to question it, that it was fate, or destiny or a plan of God. Well I am sorry but this fate, destiny or plan SUCKS! I lived my life, I partied, I had fun, I have done 90% of anything I needed to do, why wasn't it me. Why was her life cut so short? Why weren't we given the chance to say goodbye, to help her fight to live?

So to everyone that asks.. How am I? Now you know.. this is how I am. This is how my seconds, minutes, hours, and weeks are spent. Trying to figure out how to go on with a huge unreal emptiness. That is how I am.

As always I am asking that today you give someone some of your time, live for you... be YOU.. and hug someone, anyone.

Much Love,
De's Mommy

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Even when it happens to you..

5/17/2013

8 Comments

You don't believe it...

I won't lie, I am having a really hard time with reality. I keep wishing, hoping and praying this is just a horrible horrible nightmare and that I will just wake up. Life is marching by, and some moments I feel as if I am going to grab it by it's ass and show it who is boss, but more moments I feel that it defeated me. That life has left me here with half of me gone.

In 2010 when Little Dustin had his car accident, I felt a life altering blow that I still haven't gotten by. Birthdays, anniversaries, and sometimes just plain old days would live me crippled with guilt of not doing enough, that some how I could have changed the outcome, that this sweet little child I vowed to love and protect 14 years earlier was gone and I didn't stand up to what was expected of me. While some people don't understand the connection or the feeling that it left me with, to me it doesn't matter what you do or don't think I should or shouldn't feel about his death. I knew how horrible I felt in my heart, I could not imagine how his biological mother felt. She and I are still to this day close and I only use the term "biological" for understanding to others. Neither she or I raised our babies to be half, step, or any other term other than brothers and sisters, even her oldest daughter who had no tie to myself at all attending family vacations with me and my children who had no ties to her were welcomed in her home for events, birthday parties and just because. It was who we were as moms. As we spoke last week we realized that we had some horrible dual membership into the worst club on earth. She knows how I feel about her son, I know how she feels about my daughter and we both know how the other feels about our children.

On April 20th, life as I knew it was just plain over. I know I have to go on living and being, but the life I had before 8:59 am on this day, part of it is missing. A true physical part of me is gone forever. I thought there was no greater feeling of loss when Dustin died, but the moment I heard the words that my beautiful, strong willed, full of life and as she put it on facebook just days before this "only daugther" was gone, I died too. The Re that you all knew and thought was just a bit crazy just plain died. Some how I have to become the new Re, I am not sure how or when that will happen but it will. Right now I am struggling with just being, so there is no real focus on who I am.

Images and snap shots. While I know that was not my daughters spirit laying in the road and that her spirit was already in heaven rejoicing with Jesus and my grandparents and her brother. The image will not leave my head. I don't recall much about the scene, random snaps of this or that, I don't recall any sound at all, pure silence. I don't remember people talking to me, I don't remember phone calls I made, I don't recall talking or saying anything, I remember my daughters still silence.

Maybe, in time it will become real, but for me right now, it's me that doesn't exist, in this world or that paradise.

I ask you this weekend to live, live your life, be you, dance in the rain and sing off key, simply live. Live for the babies that left too soon, live for the mommies who are lost in a world that doesn't quite seem to be real.

Much Love,
De's Mommy

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