"Tell me all your thoughts on God
'Cause I would really like to meet her
And ask her why we're who we are.
Tell me all your thoughts on God
'Cause I am on my way to see her
So tell me am I very far, am I very far now?"
Back to the lyrics... I would like to meet "her" (using this because that is what the lyrics said so just hang tight k?) I would like to ask lots of things, but why we are who we are is one thing, and what am I is another. I am not a widow, I am not an orphanage, there is no term for a parent who has lost a child, how can that be? Are we such a pitiful group that people don't want to title us something out of fear of belonging. Don't you fear becoming a widow, or an orphanage? By the way I did a quick little google search on it and it turned up many things, like depressed, suicidal, empty, and quite a few nasty snarky comments that don't even deserve being shared. So yes I would like to ask God what exactly am I? Two babies gone.. and yet I am still supposed to be strong enough to carry on for the others.
As for being on my way to see "her" aren't we all? From the moment we are born we are on our way to see her. Regardless of it is 15, 19, or 98 years we are on our way. I wish someone could tell me if I was very far now, maybe that would ease some of this pain. To have a date and a time, to understand that in X days I will be with my loved ones in this wonderful place everyone calls paradise.
Ahhhh now we get to the point of my post. Paradise. Many people have said Deanna is in Paradise with my grandparents, her brother and friends.(Insert if one more person tells me she is "In a better place" please forgive my answer to you, I have about had it with that particular comment) I have one question. How do you know? Have you been there? How do you know it is what my daughter or I would call paradise? They say the streets are lined with silver and paved with gold, that doesn't exactly sound like my kind of place to tell you the truth. I think De and I would rather have dirt roads with a couple of mud pits to run through but maybe that is silver and gold to us and that is what happens. Is Heaven OUR paradise or someone else's paradise? Are there fox hounds in heaven? If not I can promise you that it is not somewhere my Daddy would want to be forever.
How do we know each other if our bodies are left behind? Are our souls so connected that we just know, do we resemble our selves to others as they remember us? Will I look the same to Memo as when she left and she will know me? Will I have to tell her who I am? How did she know Deanna when she got there? Why do I have this overwhelming feeling that the moment Deanna left this earth and entered heaven she was met by Memo exclaiming "Oh look here she comes!" Why is that in my head? Where did that thought even come from.
I don't have to worry about hell too much, I found it here on earth. Maybe I have a strange way of looking at things, maybe I can't find bible verses to support my thoughts, but my thoughts are just that. Thoughts. I do believe we go to heaven, I do believe we are judged as we get there, I do believe we are allowed in and we meet with our loved ones and I imagine that they praise us for our good, and they help guide us through our bad, and until the good out weighs the bad, we are sent back here to figure it out again and try to do better. I don't think we come back AS us, as the same people, I don't think we remember the last time we were here. (Unless you happen to be a little kid in the back seat of his mom's car talking about the last time he was here and things he did, and after being told that he never did those things, he exclaimed.. NO not this time that I was here the last time, when I had the OTHER mommy.)
Anyway I have this theory... that part of this world is hell. Can you tell me that what I am going through isn't every parents worst nightmare? Let me ask you this, if you could chose between your child's life and burning in hell for eternity which would you chose? Exactly... this is worse than hell because I can't even make that deal! I know we all have our opinions and thoughts and that is great, I am glad because what a boring place this world would be if we were all alike and just think of the interesting things you wouldn't hear if you didn't know me, or if I thought like anyone else.
But now I would like to know "What are your thoughts on heaven?" Is it a place of clouds and harps, a place of your brightest dreams, another plane of learning before coming back here to complete our missions in better ways? Do we stay there forever, and if we don't make it in are we sent right to the pits of hell? I am posing this question to EVERYONE, religious, none religious, Christians and non Christians alike. I really want to hear your thoughts on where we go after leaving our earthly bodies.
I am also going to touch on one other thing here today.. in regards to yesterday's post. If you happen to be reading this blog, and your thoughts are, she should just get over it, move on, and that I am ridiculous. I ask you right this moment to never come back here again. My words aren't for you, my pain is not for you to judge or be part of, if I am such a pathetic person why come back here again and again so you can use my own words to hurt me further. I know I should not let petty people like you influence my emotions or my thoughts but I am not going to lie to anyone here, I am not as strong as I appear and there are major cracks in my feelings and emotions and tiny words from tiny people knock out big chucks. Let me explain something to you lady, my daughter had a bright beautiful wonderful future in front of her, did it dawn on you that it is taking me a bit longer to "just get over it" because of this. My daughter was not ill or in pain or doing anything to hurt anyone, she was just going about her carefree way and was all of a sudden gone. My situation is much different than yours, maybe you felt some relief at knowing some suffering was over. Maybe that is why you could get over and move on so easily, not my call, not for me to judge. I am thankful that you don't feel this pain, I thank God that you don't. But I ask you to please not judge my grief, my words, or the time it takes. I am not just standing up for myself as I speak out to you, I stand up for all parents of lost children who's family, friends, and enemies don't take the time to realize that every one of us grieves differently. If my words to you allows one person to stand up for themselves today, tomorrow, or next year then I again Thank God that you attempted to hurt me, your hurt I can turn around to help someone else. Want to know why.. because I refuse to let the devil beat me. I might be in his hell, but he can't keep me here unless I let him.
I ask you all today to Give, something of yourself today, even if it is a piece of your mind, Live and be kind, you can say words with out being nasty (see above) and above all HUG.. someone.. anyone.. but especially yourself as you hop in your car to start your weekend.
Much Love to you all!