My plans have been changed and jerked around (by my own doing) so much this morning in regards to this weekend, it could be Christmas and I not know it. There has been a shift in my brain.. and days don't count.. minutes and hours do... I don't know why it is just the way it is. I guess I was so wrapped up on the number of days since De left that I couldn't think of anything else and my brain finally said ENOUGH.. ABORT DAYS ABORT DAYS. It does that to me a lot about different things.
Regardless of what day it is, or hour, or anything it has been 40 days 3 hours and 30 minutes.
In that time frame I have learned some things, who my true friends are, who truly loves me, that busy bodies can be HURTFUL, that I make people uncomfortable, that people don't know how to approach me, that people feel they have to go through my family or my friends to ask if I am ok. Let me start with that last one.
I am a human, I am a woman, I am a bootcamper, I am a mother, I am sister, I am a daughter, I am a friend, I am a cousin, and I am niece... but let me tell you what I am starting to see. That many of you don't see that anymore. What it seems that many people see is a Grieving Mother. Period. Yes I am that too. OPERATIVE WORD "TOO!" While the truth is I don't like being around many people at the moment, or even like going out, I do enjoy talking in chat, text and emails. I understand that some don't understand that as a valued conversation but to me right now that is about the ONLY conversation I have. It is when I can freely express myself in words and not have to worry about the recipient seeing tears in my eyes and worrying they are hurting me in some fashion, which sometimes is true and sometimes it's just that a memory popped in my head.
What I am finding that I am not fond of, is people feeling like I have gate keepers, secretaries, or body guards. Those first few days, yes, I needed them, because mainly I couldn't even stand on my own much less make any kind of coherent sentence in response to conversations. Everyone keeps saying, I need to get back to being me, I need to start doing the things I used to, I need to get my routine back. To all of you I say.. what about you? When will you get back to being you? I understand that I Facebook more than most and LOTs of my feelings and instant reactions pop up in your news feeds and time lines, what I don't understand is the number of times in the past month I have gotten phone calls and texts from my family and closest friends in a panic over if I am ok or not! The conversation ususally goes like this:
Are you ok?
Me: Define ok?
Are you ok at the moment.. is something happening right now.. do I need to come over.. do I need to sit with you,, Do I need to call 911?
Me: Umm no why?
Well I just got 20 text and 5 phone calls and 6 pigeons came with notes saying that you were in a crisis!
Me: Oh.. yea I posted on Facebook I was freaked out.
Now here is the interesting thing. Yes I was freaking out, but do you know what I was freaking out about? Nope you don't. This is ME people, Re.. I could have been freaking out because Terry was standing outside of my window with a clown mask on, or I could have been freaking out because I couldn't find a piece of paper, or I could be freaking out because my child is gone and I don't know how to deal with it. There is a vast range of things I could be freaking out about, and personally I don't feel that I should have to stop and think to myself how many phone calls are my friends and family going to get before I post this? Quite honestly I think some of you think I am so crazy that if I posted that the "Sun was shining and the Birds are signing" you would be concerned and think I should be committed.
While I am not saying that I am not half crazy (because believe me I am) what I am saying is that anything that gets posted on Facebook by ME that you have a question about come to me. If you aren't close enough to me to ask me or feel uncomfortable asking me yourself, then you should feel MORE uncomfortable asking my family and friends. A simple text to me asking.. are you ok? would work.. or a facebook message.. I mean that is where you are reading about my craziness right?
I would apologize here for sounding angry but I am honestly not that sorry for it. What I am sorry about is that some how I have put myself in a position that people don't know how to approach me and feel the need to burden my family with even more stress of worrying about me every second because I posted that my shoes string broke on facebook and you are reading into it that I am getting ready to jump off a bridge.
Let me be very clear here, I do APPRECIATE VERY VERY MUCH, each sincere inquiry in regards to how I am, how my family is, and how we are making out. What has me in a bunch right now is the stress that people are causing my family over MY WRITING. Yes my writing is sad, yes it is raw, yes it is hard to read, let me explain something, if it weren't all of those things right now, THAT is when you should worry. That is when you should make the phone calls.
I expressed yesterday that I was having a hard time communicating and that to was taken out of context as I may not be communicating well, which in it self is really funny because it was a post about not communicating well... anyway... My point was that I was having a hard time expressing EXACTLY what I needed. I was "round abouting" and that was leading to confusion which I created on my own. However, right now, I am going to be VERY VERY clear what I need when it comes to communication ABOUT ME.
If you are worried about me, facebook me. If you are concerned over my blog post, email me. If you don't like what I put on facebook and think I am going to jump off jockey's ridge (oh wait we do that) TEXT ME!
I am still here, I am still a real person, and if you don't have my number ask ME for it on Facebook
What I am asking for here is that you not burden my family or friends with MY THOUGHTS. They see them too, they have facebook and email and read my blogs, there is nothing you know that they don't. There is only one person on this planet that knows where I am 99% of the time... and I can promise you .... none of you have been contacting the right person.
I will close this by saying two things:
One: this is NOT directed to one person, I know no one who has called personally only that it has been done repeatedly and by more than one person and to more than enough people that I call my body guards.
Two :something so simple... you want to know when you should worry.. when you should contact my family or my friends...
When I stop posting.
I wish you all well and hope that in time you will remember that I am here. I am real.
PS I also realize as I am typing the end of this that the people that need to see this probably wont and the ones that do read it will think it is about them when it is not.. UGH... So please.. the only thing I am saying is CONTACT ME! If I don't answer the phone, don't worry, I rarely do, don't expect a call back just because you called, as I have stated I have no real voice most of the time, so text, email, and facebook away peeps!