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Hey Baby Girl

10/20/2020

Hey baby girl,
Life is simply not ok without you. Seven years and Six months of hell… for what?
I guess some would say I am a better person for having lost you, I would rather be a monster and be hated just to hear you laugh once more. Maybe losing you was the price I paid for being a monster before and all of this is to fix the pasts wrongs. I know, it’s not my fault, that’s what they all say but my heart just can’t seem to fully believe that.
So much of the time since you have been gone I have wasted, I’m still fat Sis, why is that is what I worry about? I probably could not run a mile straight for a million dollars, but I can’t seem to eat the right thing.. do the right thing… there is just always something that I allow to get in the way. Stupid huh, to just waste it like that. When I would give anything for you to have it and here I am just wasting all of this time.
It's so foggy today I can barely see across the yard, it feels like if I could just walk off to the edge of it I would fall right into another place and time, like you are just there on the other side, so close but when I try to reach it I find it farther away each time. I am sure one day I will make it to that edge and when I fall, I know all will be right.
I wish I could tell you that things are better, that parts have settled into something meaningful, but it is still a chaotic reality escape every day, you know .. don’t slow down .. the tears won’t catch you. Drink another glass of wine, it blurs it a little. Cook something… Knit something… on and on it just goes just so that there is no time to remember. In this another type of fog creeps in, stealing from me, taking the sound of your voice, your laugh, the way your looked, what your hugs felt like… it was hard enough losing you that day but bit by bit time is taking the only parts of you I had left.
I never thought I could live 7 days without you, yet here I am, and I have to ask again...for what?
I love you and miss you each and every second of the day my sweet girl.
Love
Mommy

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Glutton for Punishment

10/12/2020

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I am a complete glutton for punishment. I admit it.
Some time back someone asked me for some help on a very big and personal level. I mentioned that I didn’t think it was that great of an idea. I even know exactly where I was when I said that. I knew I was not really in an emotionally great place to do with they were asking, they knew this, they still asked and when I tried to bow out gracefully, they cried. (Disclaimer if you ever use this against me and cry to get your way.. you will likely be met with my favorite ICP lyric) So anyway.. it went exactly how I thought BAD!!! My stupid heart got all tied up in it and then it got walked all over because they knew I was in neck deep and when I finally said “ENOUGH.. STOP THE MADNESS!” I was the bad guy, I was crazy, I was mentally disturbed, I was a lot of bad things… but not once was I the person who saved someone, not once was I someone who loved so much they allowed what they knew wasn’t a great idea to help another.
Why am I sharing this.. I am getting there.. because after all of that. I still care. I still love them. So if I can love someone who has hurt me that incredibly bad, why in the world would I not love someone who hasn’t. This world we are living in is hard for me. I can’t look at another human with hate or disdain, ok there is a preacher, a dude in Gloucester, and some chick in Warsaw I don’t like too much but I don’t HATE them. So how can you hate someone for the color of their skin, who they are going to vote for, the clothes they wear, the music they listen to, the god they pray to, the blessings they bestow, the job they have… please.. tell me HOW!
And before you stop and think “Oh this is surely not me!” Are you sure? Are you REALLY SURE?
That homeless guy on the corner, did you scoff, did you turn up your nose and think that lazy bum! He sits there day after day, he is physically able to work! Yea.. he is physically able, but did you know his daughter died 3 years ago, did you know his wife suffers from such debilitating depression that he was let go because he was missing so much work to care for her, did you know they lost their insurance, did you know that he is caring for his wife alone, did you know that the money is going to save his home of 25 years, the home that his daughter grew up in, where all of the memories of her life were shared? Did you even know?
That lady you berated and mentioned she should just die on social media over her political stance. Did you know that she is fighting cancer, did you know that her husband left her 8 months ago, did you know that her children don’t know about her illness because she doesn’t want to burden them, did you know she lays alone on the cold bathroom floor, did you know she will likely die alone before election day? Did you even know?
That kid in school, the one that’s clothes smell a little funny, the one that you snatched his pudding off of his lunch plate. Did you know he lives with his alcoholic aunt, did you know that he has 3 little brothers, did you know that his parents died, did you know his school lunch is all he will eat today, did you know he sleeps on the floor so his brothers can share the twin bed? Did you even know?
That weird chick you guys know, the one that no one can figure out, the one that seems so closed off, but yet so caring, the one that is blunt, the one that’s smile doesn’t quite make it to her eyes, did you know she misses her kids every minute of the day, did you know that she has battled her way through depression more times than she can count, did you know that she is caring for a parent, did you know she hasn’t been home for over 4 days in a row in 10 months, did you know she isn’t nearly as strong as people think she is, did you know that she sometimes feels so lost and alone? Did you know that she loves so big that somedays it consumes her? Did you know… that regardless of what you have done.. who you are.. what color your skin is.. who you vote for.. what your job is… she loves you. Did you even know?
I am not asking that any of you change your beliefs, because honestly BE YOU! But please try to be you enough that you can allow me to be me. Accept that we are different, yet can live in harmony. Accept that my prayers are just as powerful as yours, yet we may start them differently. I am not asking you to vote this way or that, but don’t hate someone because they voted differently. I am not asking you to give that homeless guy your pay check, but maybe take a minute to look a little deeper then you may give him 5. I am not asking that you even begin to try to understand me, but a little grace wouldn’t hurt.
What am I even getting at here? That this world needs something, and that is a little more love and if you can in anyway find it in yourself to show someone some love today, even just one person, even if that thing is a text to someone just saying.. Hey, I still think about you, even if it is a friendly nod (I mean we can’t exactly smile these days) and a have a great day to a stranger, even if it is, heaven forbid, a scroll by a post on social media you don’t agree with …. one little tiny act of kindness brings the whole world more love, because it grows.
Peace Love and Light,
Re

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How did I get here?

10/11/2020

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Same place a year ago but not really at all. Today’s weather is fitting of the internal mood. Just have no idea how to navigate any of this and apparently failing at it.
I learned to speak Italian not Dutch so sometimes the words come out all wrong and in the wrong ways.
Sometimes navigating the map I get all turned around. I try to back track and correct the turn but too late that road is closed.
Sometimes I just want to cry but who has time for that when you are trying your best to learn something new every second of every day because what you thought yesterday isn’t the truth of today.

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I can put something on it...

10/8/2020

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There is a skit that flashed through my mind this morning, it is stuck in my head, it is of Cedric the Entertainer talking about paying bills and how when the collectors called the answer was “Dog…. I can put something on it.” It is not the skit or even what the skit itself is about that is stuck in my head.. it is just “Dog… I can put something on it” Hold on Hold on I promise this will make sense.
So you know I have talked about being in Holland and how that isn’t exactly where my attentions of landing were, but here I am, so now what?
I will tell you now what.. “I can put something on it.”
Are there times that I am sad? Sure!
Are there times that I am mad? Sure!
Are there times that I am even angry? Sure!
I am after all human.
Sitting here right now just typing this I am in tears and that is A OK, BECAUSE in a few minutes. “I can put something on it.”
A year ago I thought that 2019 was a really bad year, a stroke, a car accident, a roof fall… dad was falling apart.
Then 2020.
I would gladly go back to 2019 even the days following the roof fall. They were better than this. This is hard.
Please forgive me I am going to be bouncing around all over the place in this post but it is worth it.
I took Italy for granted. I had friends around the corner I didn’t see near enough, because I was too busy. I didn’t go out for drinks with my besties near enough, because I was on a diet. I didn’t work all the shift that I could, … oh wait.. nevermind on that one. Point being is I did not know how great it was when I was in it and then I would let the “bad season” (which typically starts now until May) robbed me of so much more. Wait not only me.. it robbed from people who loved me too.
That “bad season” is tough. Really really tough. The Bad Season bill is big. It isn’t moments of sadness, it is days and weeks in despair. It isn’t angry for an hour, it is angry for months. You get the point. It also sets in a feeling of worthlessness that is hard to shake. I believe that any loving parent who loses a child goes through feelings of “Why was I left here? What is the purpose of taking my child and leaving me here?” It is very very hard to find reasons to not go on along on the next journey in the “bad season”. (don’t worry mom I am ok.. keep reading) Some how over the last 7 years I have made it through each season, most years a little worse for the wear. I mean have you seen me?? I look 80! But finding ones purpose in such grief is unbelievably hard, especially when you know that you have lived your best day already and you some how missed it. So how did I make it through? “I put something on it”
I took a happy memory and I put it on the sad. I took a joyful occasion and put it on the mad. I took an important task and I put it on the grief. I took a work shift and put it on the loneliness. I helped someone and put it on my despair. You have to just keep adding and adding and adding until you pay that bill off and typically that happens around May. There is then a few months of reprieve from the Bad Season payments.
So what does that have to do with 2020? There was no pay off in May, it just became something new. It seems I am putting more and more on this new bill and it is just getting bigger and bigger and bigger. Like you aren’t paying enough to keep up with the interest. It is not as bad as it sounds though, because with the growth of that bill, my purpose becomes clearer and clearer, and it doesn’t hurt quite as bad to have made all those payments in the bad season so that I am still on this journey. One day the bill of my purpose will be paid in full, and I will be able to walk out of Holland without having taken it for granted.
When I held your hand.. I put something on it.
When I called you to make sure you were ok.. I put something on it.
When I made you dinner.. I put something on it.
When I listened when you needed.. I put something on it.
When I wrote your final words.. I put something on it.
When I gave you a break just so you could breath.. I put something on it.
When I turned my cheek.. I put something on it.
When I vented to someone safe.. I put something on it.
You see, we can’t pay off our purpose in one full payment, all we can do is continue to put something on it.
Going into the Bad Season this year, my goal is to just not pick up that bill. I have paid dearly to the grief, the sadness, and the anger. I have my hands full putting something on my purpose.
It is time for what happiness there is, and to not allow others who may not be paying the same bill of purpose as we or the past hurts to keep us from putting something on it.
Peace, Love and Light.
Re

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“Let me know if you need anything.”

10/7/2020

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Serious question here. What do you hear in your head when someone says those words to you?
“Let me know if you need anything.”
I personally hear “Oh that is cute, they are making themselves feel better.”
Maybe I am jaded, maybe I am just weird, ok ok.. we all know I am weird. But hear me out here.
(there are a lot of hears and heres in this)
Ok back to my point. If I am going through something that you feel that I may need some kind of assistance with, why would you not say “I see you are really loaded down right now, I am going to make you dinner on Tuesday, does this work for you?” Instead of the get out of jail free card “Let me know if you need anything.” You already see that I need something, you already know that I am likely not going to ask anyone, including you, for any of the things I need, so why oh why do we as a collective even use those words??
My thoughts are as above, it is a get out of jail free card. So when things come crashing down around those that were in need, we can sit back and say… “Well I offered to help” and we are able to watch someone else’s struggle with no regret. When in truth all we truly did was put yet another burden on the one who is already burdened. It is easier for the person to say.. “No no.. I got it” because..
1. Who wants to admit they NEED something.
2. Who in that situation has time to think of what they need
3. Who is going to burden someone else with .. “You know if you could just fold that load of laundry for me and walk my dog that would be a great help!”
Before I go any further, I want everyone to know I am NOT innocent in this. It is a work in progress. But I have noticed that when I make a statement like “Hey, let me bring you dinner tonight.” The likelihood of the response being “Thank you so much, that would be so kind of you, you don’t know how much I appreciate this.” Increases tenfold! Even better than the “Hey let me…” is the “I’m stopping by for a second this afternoon, no need to prepare I am not staying just need to drop something off with you.” And that something be a dinner that can be heated at a later day, a coupon for a paid house cleaning, a gift certificate to a local restaurant with a note that you will pick up a to go from them when they are ready to use it etc etc, use your imagination. The things that you would appreciate are probably some of the same things that another would appreciate.
We need to be more mindful of what others need and how we can help them, and not with our own “oh I feel better now” actions.
What if I told you I am completely and totally overwhelmed with life right now, what would your response be? (I’m not I don’t need a casserole J )
Would you look for ways to help me or would you put the ball in my court to tell you how to help?
I can promise you one thing.. people in crisis do NOT know how you can help, because they are thinking of the 2374838947238943827 things that they have to do in a lump and there just is not time to pull out bits and pieces of it to relay to you. We need to be better. We need to do better. We need to THINK BETTER.
On the very tail end of this we do need to address what happens when the “Let me know how to help” turns into, “Hey, listen, next week is incredibly busy with (enter important stuff) is there anyway at all you could (fill in blank with things like… watch my child, walk my dog, cook a meal, take x to an appointment, sit with ….. )? It is REALLY unlikely that this will happen, but in the off chance you have someone who is more put together than I when overwhelmed, please please please please please do not respond with..”Ohhhh I would but…. “. This should never ever be your answer. It should not even be “Let me see what I can juggle around..” if you can at all help it do NOT put that burden back. Make it work! If you need to juggle.. JUGGLE.. but don’t let the person asking you know because they will simply retract the request. Don’t worry though, as I said chance are that won’t happen.
I wish we were better humans, I wish we didn’t lay down meaningless statements, I wish we could just see the little things that would help others in such tremendous ways as blessings and not as burdens.
I wish that when it all comes to an end that you don’t have regrets of … I should have… because you could have.
Re out…
Peace, love and light.

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I guess Holland isn’t so bad, but man I miss Italy.

10/6/2020

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I know that is completely ridiculous as the fact of the matter is, Italy could have been total crap, but it is hard not to view what could have been with very rose colored glasses.
Example, Deanna could have lived and be the amazing incredible person, wife, mother, successful at her career etc etc etc, you know the Italy that my mind and heart made her. We however landed in Holland, with her gone and me here dreaming of and missing her every moment, but is Holland the worst place? She could have lived and we ended up Afghanistan I have a hard time imaging what that would be like as it is hard to picture worse things than your child’s death, but from things I have seen lately.. there are worse things.
Am I making my point here?
We tend to glorify what Italy would be like. What it would be like if my child didn’t die, my marriage didn’t fall apart, I didn’t lose my job, my kids weren’t’ struggling, my family members health was not failing… but the truth is we just don’t know that Italy would be Italy, it could be Afghanistan, but instead here we are in the reality which is Holland. Holland obviously is not Italy at all, and maybe it doesn’t have the glamour and beauty you were imagining, but, look around. Holland while a hard pill to swallow probably has some good qualities that you just are overlooking.
My Holland happens to be my life in Mathews right now. I miss home. I miss friends. I miss my bed. I miss my son. I could go on and on as I have not so long ago, but I won’t. Truthly OBX right now is Italy and being viewed through those rosey rosey glasses. Things like, I would not weigh as much, or I would have more money in the bank, or I would have done xyz with my friends.. the rosey list just goes on and on and on, but who knows none of those things may be the truth and we just don’t know. I know better than to look in my minds eye but here I am this morning wanting to just pack my things and go home. If nothing else just to get myself back into my routine of working out and maybe lose this weight that I gained again and be with my people. I am struggling so darn hard and continuously turn to the food for comfort.
But what has Holland provided me. Morning after morning it has provided me the peaceful view you see above, coffee tastes really good with that view. It has provided me time that I would have never had with my mom and dad, and I have been able to support them in ways I just could not have if I was in Italy. I was able to spend time with my beloved aunt that otherwise would have been impossible, and just days before her journey I was given the gift of a hug and an “I love you” that I would not have gotten otherwise. It has provided the ability to share my time with countless friends and time to host them for dinner. I have gained two “brothers from another mother” and incredibly grateful that I have been able to spend time with each. It has allowed me time to develop skills that I never would have had the need for, such as, feeding 14 dogs, using a chain saw, rescuing dogs, catching escaped dogs, loading fire wood, riding a jet ski alone.. I could go on but you get the point. It has given me countless hours to get on Ed’s nerves that in of itself is worth it. Truthfully it has allowed Ed and me both time in Mathews together that just otherwise would not have happened, and while it is still a work in process we have come a long way to making a home in here, and not just a house.
So are you waking up in Holland this morning, look around, Holland is magical too.

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Lunch Hour??

10/4/2020

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How my hour long lunch turned into 3 and a half hours and my day got absolutely RIDICULOUS.
My original lunch Friday involved practicing a funeral service.
Why you ask.. because they chose me of all people to perform my aunts funeral .. the whole funeral from the first Let us Pray to the final Amen. In case you are wondering performing the funeral also involves choosing prayers and writing a eulogy, and they still chose me for some reason. I need to remember to ask why they chose me after this is all over. What I thought was a simple print read through turned into updating and changing things and yet another practice run.. (the service is approximately 30 minutes long so two run throughs was already an hour.. add in the reprints and edits.. my lunch became two hours.. (update on this. It went well. People were kind and said I did really good)
Not bad right? On my way back home I call my dad, who in all of his wonderful wisdom decided to burn a large pile of brush today (he is ok don’t worry) but he wasn’t answering his phone… at all. Ok quick run by to make sure he is ok. Yup a ok just didn’t hear the phone over the bob cat (mini bulldozer in case you are wondering) he was on.. I literally can not make this stuff up!
As I was leaving his road there was a woman who was acting bizarrely so I stopped to make sure she was ok. The story that she relayed immediately made me realize something was VERY WRONG. She was either under the influence of some powerful substance, having a mental break, or had a head injury. Her story that she relayed had ex boyfriends, missing dogs, murdered dogs, ghost dogs, her best friend the dog, a car accident, and a drive about looking up in the trees because she felt that is where her dog was. I called our local sheriff’s office.. someone should be right with me right? We live in the middle of no where.. Even if you were on the right end of the county you are talking 10 minutes to get to me, add in turns and twist and you are talking almost 30 minutes of tailing a very odd woman. Keep in mind I am in my jeep… MY PURPLE JEEP.. tailing a woman who is driving all of 7 mile per hour. As I am cutting in and out of service because I am in the middle of nowhere in the middle of NO WHERE I hear over the phone.. “Hey ask her if she is driving her purple Jeep.” Wouldn’t you know it.. high school boyfriend is sitting right beside the dispatcher I am on the call with!
Finally I see blue lights, I have never been so relieved to see blue lights! The officer pulls safely around me yet she does not notice him. Here I was worried she was going to spot me and this chick doesn’t even see the blue lights! After I quick blurt of the siren she is pulled over safely by the officer and I breathe a sigh of relief as I can finally head home….
Then I got behind a tractor.
I hope this made you at least laugh at the shear ridiculousness of my life.

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Hey Baby Girl

Glutton for Punishment

How did I get here?

I can put something on it...

“Let me know if you need anything.”

I guess Holland isn’t so bad, but man I miss Italy.

Lunch Hour??

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