Life is simply not ok without you. Seven years and Six months of hell… for what?
I guess some would say I am a better person for having lost you, I would rather be a monster and be hated just to hear you laugh once more. Maybe losing you was the price I paid for being a monster before and all of this is to fix the pasts wrongs. I know, it’s not my fault, that’s what they all say but my heart just can’t seem to fully believe that.
So much of the time since you have been gone I have wasted, I’m still fat Sis, why is that is what I worry about? I probably could not run a mile straight for a million dollars, but I can’t seem to eat the right thing.. do the right thing… there is just always something that I allow to get in the way. Stupid huh, to just waste it like that. When I would give anything for you to have it and here I am just wasting all of this time.
It's so foggy today I can barely see across the yard, it feels like if I could just walk off to the edge of it I would fall right into another place and time, like you are just there on the other side, so close but when I try to reach it I find it farther away each time. I am sure one day I will make it to that edge and when I fall, I know all will be right.
I wish I could tell you that things are better, that parts have settled into something meaningful, but it is still a chaotic reality escape every day, you know .. don’t slow down .. the tears won’t catch you. Drink another glass of wine, it blurs it a little. Cook something… Knit something… on and on it just goes just so that there is no time to remember. In this another type of fog creeps in, stealing from me, taking the sound of your voice, your laugh, the way your looked, what your hugs felt like… it was hard enough losing you that day but bit by bit time is taking the only parts of you I had left.
I never thought I could live 7 days without you, yet here I am, and I have to ask again...for what?
I love you and miss you each and every second of the day my sweet girl.