Good Morning my loves.

I hope today finds you happy and healthy! I am stumbling around this morning thinking of what I should even write about, not because I don't have anything, but because I think I have way too much knocking around that space between my ears. I think I will just start by relaying my life to you, because you want to know what I did yesterday right?  It really isn't just about yesterday it is about some bizarre cosmic event (read medication here) that happened and now things are all changed up and I am semi worried but not really. Clears things up doesn't it?

The first thing we need to make clear is that a year ago I thought I was "doing". You know doing the things that needed doing and that I was doing it well. Sitting here today, nope I didn't do any of it well. I just squeaked it by and it was all just at a level of ok I could tolerate. Sure dinner was made, the dishes were done, the house was meh slightly ok, appointments were kept but so many things fell by the way side. Once I was "done" for the day I was just done.. I remember on days that I didn't work super late watching TV waiting until it was time to fix dinner. I would literally trade one screen for the other, and that was on days that I actually stopped sitting in front of the work screen. I prided myself on the amount of time I was putting into work in spite of all that was coming apart at the seams around me. It was not a fun way to live at all, but it also stopped me from facing my mental unhealthiness. "Look at me! I can work 12 hours a day, make dinner, take care of dad, I am doing these things!!! I am good!"

The truth.. I was not good at all! Not even remotely close. The truth is the house wasn't clean, I just couldn't see the dirt. The truth was I didn't really care for dad, I just kept him alive. The truth is I was not succeeding at work, I was just working a lot of hours. The truth is I was not living, I was just existing. It is really hard to see that when you are in the throws of it though, you think you are doing all of these wonderful things and giving yourself to others and helping yourself because you are going through some kind of make do motions, and patting yourself on the back for all kinds of shit that doesn't amount to a hill of beans.

Ok Re get to the point what are you even talking about??

So what does any of that have to do with today? Nothing thank goodness! Nothing at all, in fact I am not even that person anymore, which in of itself is a bit scary.

Circling back to yesterday. I sent Mom a text first thing that said NO MORE FOOD! We over runneth with nibbles around here. While it was greatly appreciated it also threw my planned meals from my box into a tail spin, and going into yesterday I had all four meals from last week left and I am expecting 7 more today (I accidentally forgot to cancel one). Not to mention neither Drakester or I need the carbs making their way in here. I sent a list of these are things that are excepted other than food "sweeping, washing dishes, laundry, watering plants" She immediately started freaking out trying to figure out how that was going to fit into her day, before I explained I was not asking her to do these things, I was just giving her examples of things that would help that was not food related. Shortly after, or maybe it was the night before, everything is running together, I had gotten a text from Ed that said "Please don't over do it, take some time for you"

I started my day yesterday at 530, worked straight through until 1:30. Checked off my list of work "to do's" like no bodies business. I quickly laced up my shoes and went for a 1 mile run, hopped on my bike rode for 2.5 miles, fiddled with the jet ski (got no where), decided to paddle board a bit, watered my plants, helped Drake get a sink bath (he thought he smelt bad but I forgot to put on deodorant yesterday so it was likely me), set him up in the living room for awhile, swept the floor, made a milkshake (not for me) washed dishes continuously, changed Drake's bed, did not one, not two, but three loads of laundry, cooked two of our meals because 1 isn't enough for 3 people to stretch I need do supplement better and I can make it work, cleaned up the kitchen, took myself to the shower, folded the clothes because you can't fold clean clothes when you are as nasty as I was, and went to bed at 9 pm.. you know early, so I wouldn't over do it.

PS Babe.. I am sorry.. I think I was asleep before my head it the pillow I didn't realize until this morning I didn't send you a good night text!

Anyway all of this leads to the question of, am I over doing it? I literally don't stop or slow down from the time my eyes open until they close. While I realize I work a desk job, that job is very mentally demanding so don't short me (or yourself if you have a desk job) it is physically taxing. Poor Ed goes back to Richmond to get away from me, he goes back to work at his physically demanding job to rest! Again, am I over doing it? I don't think so. This isn't a manic frantic house clean. This isn't a IT HAS TO BE DONE RIGHT NOW episode. This isn't a do all of the things but do them half ass session. This isn't a rapid fire do 20 things at one time but complete none. This is, just living. This is making a list and checking things off appropriately, when I swept the floor, it was the whole floor all at once, when I folded the laundry it was also put away, when I washed the dishes it was also a kitchen wipe down, when I finished with the jet ski it was walk away, not come back 20 times, while the list was long and did not leave for boob tube watching I did things for me, that run, that bike ride, that paddle board, that jet ski work, it was all for me. At least 2 hours worth of things, was all about me and keeping me sane. Frankly I guess you could say that all of the other things were for me too.

My heart wants to provide. I want to be the person that gives of myself to others. I want to be the mom that Drake can one day say, she was the best! She took care of me when I needed her. (Dustin you aren't excluded of course I would do the exact same for you!.. but please don't get hurt just to prove it :) ) I want to be the daughter that some day is seen for having done all that is possible to make my parents lives better when they need someone. I want to be the employee who gets things done, but also leads by example that you don't have to half kill yourself for the job. I want to be the friend that people can truly count on. I want to be this. I want to over do it. I want my list to be full and complete. I want to lay down at night cheerful over the events of the day and fall asleep before I hit the pillow from a job well done, not out of exhaustion for having HAD to have done it. I want to live on the ladder of it all, not in what some see as a pit of chaos.

Favorite ever quote about chaos. "Chaos isn't a pit," Littlefinger said. "Chaos is a ladder. Many who try to climb it fail and never get to try again. The fall breaks them. And some, are given a chance to climb. They refuse, they cling to the realm or the gods or love. Illusions. Only the ladder is real. The climb is all there is."

And here I am climbing right alone, because the ladder is real, life is real. I am real and I am here really doing all of the things that I need to do to be healthy, remain healthy, and to help others along the way!

Signing off with this, in your long list of to do's today can you add in an hour, 30 minutes, or even 10 minutes for yourself?

Peace Love and Light

Re

Hey guys!!! What a HELL of a week this has been! I am so sorry, (why are you apologizing Re? You have nothing to apologize for, this is life everyone knows you were really busy, why are you apologizing to them for taking the time away from writing? You needed to do the things you needed to do. Oh Yea that is right.. according to Drake in his "comfortable" state on Monday.. it is because we are Canadian (quick google search.. it really is a thing.. and we really are partially Canadian but is anyone really Canadian? Aren't they more like American's really something else.. We are technically FRENCH Canadian.. or I guess technically French at least partially, I do know I am a Witch though so that is something)) for not writing this week.  I do know some of you really look for me in the mornings, I hope you guys didn't give up and look for this post.

Anyhow! Here I am! Still alive, still kicking, still going 1,000.000 miles per hour. Drake has been an AWESOME guy through this whole ordeal, he is kind and sweet (except for yesterday but he deserved that day of snarkiness, more on that in a moment) so he really is doing all he can to make this easier on both of us, all of us, but the amount of work is insane. I wouldn't even consider allowing someone else do it this, or even really help with his care, this is my job, I am mom, and I finally feel like I may be a half way decent one. That I am not so wrapped up in my grief and depression to be the mom that he needs right now. 

Even in being this super mom some things needed to fall to the side this week, writing, exercising (except my plank that was a MUST I am up to 90 seconds now it feels awesome), eating 100% on point, my therapy appointment (which I didn't cancel I showed up and Dr AAwesome said.. nope.. not this week that is just too much on you) some me things had to fall, and it had to be me things that I felt were expendable for a week. I also had the added work of watching some homes this week while they were out of town so I am HOPING that next week that gives me back about an hour every day to do the writing, (which may be in the evenings as things settle down) working out, and figuring out dinners before we are on the road to appointments and such. I am hoping that tomorrow I have the time to sit down and draft out myself a "routine" something that allows me to still work on the things that I have worked so hard for! I am not willing or able to back slide now, I am just NOT. I DESERVE to be who I am becoming, this calamity is NOT a set back, or a push down, or even a why do I bother, it is teeny tiny pot hole on the interstate of life. Like if I am having to do what I am doing now for 4 weeks, as he will heal and be able to care for himself we are literally talking about 0.1% of my life here. You do not give up the ghost for 0.1% of your life that derailed.  You figure out a different plan, you buckle down and ride out the storm. That is what I am going to do!

Circling back to the snarkiness of yesterday for a moment. Drake had his follow up with Ortho and that was scary, shocking, hard work, upsetting, (and that was just what I was feeling I am sure he can add a few more adjectives but they won't be pretty). He worked, well we worked so hard this week to keep that leg elevated at ALL times, he only got up twice and that was to shower, and yesterday morning he had an ankle! Like you could see it! I was so happy and so was he. We literally went to the appointment just knowing because we had worked so hard getting the swelling down that surgery would be Monday. So here we are at noon loading him up, thanks to the great team of Mom and Dad I had help, get him in the car, get to the appointment roll him in, wait around another 30 minutes and the nurse comes in and says he needs another xray. When they take the boot off .. POOF! His ankle blows up like a blow toad. They take him for xray bring him back and it's even BIGGER! The doctor comes in and says.. we need to get him next door for an Ultrasound it looks like he has a blood clot! My heart started raising as I was going through all of the things this could mean and I was petrified but I couldn't show any of that! STRONG MOM! STAY STRONG! As we wheeled him over he starts writhing in pain, like worse than I saw him yet, he was saying his foot and leg were on FIRE and nearly in tears. It was beyond frightening.. STAY STRONG YOU! YOU GOT TO STAY STRONG!! Thankfully the ultra sound showed no clots and we have no idea what the calf pain is from, maybe the boot, maybe a strain, who knows, but whatever it is, it doesn't appear to be deadly. Get back to ortho for a new splint as the boot just isn't working for Drake and we find out that he has a follow up on Wednesday which means no surgery for at least 10 days. He was crushed! He was in pain. He was CRUSHED AND IN PAIN. He deserved to be snarky. He deserved a moment to just sit in that blow he wasn't expecting. He was snarky to me. He was snarky to the nurses (one was a little snarky back, the other just quietly rode it out). They reset his foot (can you EVEN IMAGINE WHAT THAT FELT LIKE???) He snarked a little more. And then he does something that made all of our jaws drop. Through his gritted teeth as they reset his ankle, he says "I'm sorry, I am not normally like this, I thank you for everything you are doing for me, I really am sorry." In that moment I saw a change wash over the nurses face, this was the man that they stayed at the office late for, this was a kind soul that they could go home happy to have helped at the end of a long week. Drake funked around for the remainder of day and I told him that was a ok, he could and should feel those things, but we were not going to stay stuck there. He agreed. My baby boy is a good kind man, but his heart is a little hurt right now. We did get a little good news yesterday, he is allowed to get up at least twice a day for 5 minutes each, before he was to stay put as much as possible until surgery, like get up if you absolutely MUST. I am hopeful that scootering around the house will lift his mood some.

Speaking of scooting, I could NOT EVEN BEGIN to do this with out this tribe I have. This house has been transformed, I have collected so many supplies and necessities that he would have had to do without or we would have had to purchase, I have had people run to stores and get things (including beer as that is a necessity right??) I COULD NOT DO IT WITHOUT YOU!!! You all have the biggest kindest hearts and I have no idea how I will ever in this life time repay any of you.

Now a little news on my own personal front. As I mentioned I didn't exact break any records this week in eating and exercising, I even said "I am NOT getting on the damn scale this week. It is not happening! Forget it! I will get back on track next week and hopefully I will be some what close to where I left off. F a scale" I woke up this morning and I had bought myself a new bathing suit and I wanted to try it on but I was afraid to because of this week and blah blah blah so I decided to get on the scale to see the damage before I saw the damage in the mirror in my suit. Ya'll... I lost weight. I finally broke out of the 30 lb stall!!!! I officially have lost 35 pounds!!! Don't ask me how or why (maybe because my eating wasn't completely off the rails and just a little side step) but I DID THAT!!!! Do you know how damn proud I am of that number???? I am OFFICIALLY over a third of the way to my goal! A THIRD OF THE WAY!!! (Now if my mother would stop bringing sweets into the house that would be amazing.. neither drake or I need those LOL)

THIRTY FIVE POUNDS GONE!!!!

Ok... enough of that, thank you for letting me get some things off of my chest. I literally just sat here and did a big huge sigh as if a weight lifted from my shoulders. So thank you.. thank you for being you and thank you for being here for and with me. You are appreciated.

Signing off with this, go enjoy today, do something for yourself!

Peace Love and Light

Re

HAPPY SATURDAY!!!!!

Seriously! Hi! How are you? Isn't it a beautiful day?? No Seriously! The rain we needed it so bad! I know you are thinking it has rained for days! Sure it has but our ground was so dry, that with the exception of the down pours that just run off, this constant soaking rain has been wonderful. Things are GREEN! With the exception of my brussel sprouts that caterpillars ate up in one day. They are just little spiny sticks. There are a few leaves so I am hoping for the best but preparing for the inevitable demise. It also may be too hot for them so I will retry brussels in the fall along with kale! Enough about my plants.

Anyway.. where have I been. Pondering that is where. Unfortunately pondering over hard things makes me eat, so I am kinda stuck in the same 5 pound range. Hold on, when I say eat, yes I ate .. but never out side of my plan, I just ate a bit too much of the right things if that makes sense. I have not gained, and quite frankly even through I have not lost I do see a improvement in my body just from last week. It is almost like my skin caught up to the rest of me. Anyhow.. that was gross. So what are you pondering over Re.. and what has been happening.

Home... interesting word isn't it.

Dictionary

home
/hōm/
noun
noun: home; plural noun: homes
1.
the place where one lives permanently, especially as a member of a family or household.

Eighteenish months I have been away from home. Longing for my friends, my bed, my office, my family, my normal, my job, my life! I have cried, whined, cursed, resigned, at some point accepted, all over I was "stuck" here and not there.  (Side note: I was not stuck in a sense that I would have gone back had someone said LEAVE JUST GO.. because my parents they mean more to me than that, and I would live in hell if it meant keeping them safe and comfortable, I was here because I was needed and this is where I wanted to be, but that didn't stop the longing for home)  What I did not see happening in that time frame was the change.  Sure we worked on the house, inside and out, sure I built stronger friendships with people that live here, sure I adjusted to those friendships not being coffee every day, but chance meetings here and there, sure I created a routine of care for my dad, sure my relationship with the idiot upstairs has gotten so much deeper, sure I have established routines for myself in the way of self care and training, sure I have planted a garden that needs continuous care, sure I have a few fish tanks.... but this is not home. Or is it...

I am going to what seems like side track but I think it may be related I just didn't want to admit that it was related and I wanted it to be physical and not mental. It truly was a chicken or the egg scenario and regardless of what caused the problem the problem was too dangerously high to ignore. I was sitting here Tuesday working and right from the start of the day I felt... off... I didn't write that day and jumped right into work, and immediately felt super stressed over work related topics, but felt physically off too, but I pushed on through. (PS I am really close to caught up at work right now I powered through the rest of the week and I am so close .. I worked incredibly LONG hours but I needed to do that for peace of mind) As I said I pushed on through until... I couldn't. I realized my chest was "tight" I wouldn't say it was pain it was just wrong. I sat here a minute and realized I felt WAY off so I took a peak at my heart rate fully expecting it to be racing... it was in the 50s. You people know me right? My heart rate in the 50's UNHEARD OF like not even when i am asleep will it hit 50s or even 60s for that matter. Sure I have been working out but I am most definitely not some elite anything. I stood up.. still in the high 50's low 60's and something was way off.. I was freezing. My arms and legs were like ice.

I called my handy dandy friend with the gadgets and knowledge aka my mom and she was here lickedy split and took my BP.. 170/108 ummm wait what? This from the chick who has always had a lowish BP even when is was super big. We hmmmmed and haaaawwwed over what to do next. I didn't FEEL like I was dying but I felt WAY off. My vision wouldn't focus when I looked around, my body felt like I had been drinking but I had not been, I felt wobbly and just weird. We called my heart doctor who diverted our trip to Urgent Care to the ER because they said as soon as you tell them what is wrong they are calling 911. Yea no thanks.

I was hooked up to the machines again, EKG looked good, blood work came back with elevated enzymes (which by the way 90% of the time mean heart attack) BUT WAIT.. "the lab was wrong, sorry you really aren't having a heart attack.. but we are going to redo the labs anyway." IV of fluid in there somewhere and I had started feeling better, even after they basically didn't tell me the lab was wrong for 30 minutes or so. By this point I just wanted to leave and I stood up realized I had my balance back and could see right.

My question to the doctor was, so what caused it? Frankly if he could have professionally shrugged his shoulders it would have been better than the dance around the question answer he provided, which basically said "I don't know" and which came first, the anxiety or the BP?  To me, anxiety or panic attacks have never caused low heart rates so it seemed to me the BP was first, but was it? I honestly have no answers but it does seem more dehydration and stress related that heart structure related and as embarrassing as that is and the fact that I wasted everyone's time for what was likely a panic attack, I am grateful!

I do want to finish this little section up with this, I have honestly felt better the last 3 days than I have in weeks. My heart rate has stayed down not crazy down but I am more of a normal range than stupid high range. My BP seems fine. I ran yesterday and felt great. So don't worry.. I am OK.

So Re what the hell was that all about???

What has you pondering and stressed so hard Re? One, work is a bit nuts again, we are all overloaded and because I have not worked crazy hours for months I was really behind and the stress of having that over my head was too much to bear and as with all companies these days there are changes happening and some of them are hard to swallow. That is an easy answer there... The hard part is coming.

So you know I told you last week I was not ready to talk about my appointment and what happened? It was STUCK IN MY BRAIN ON OVER DRIVE. We had a great session, like REALLY good, until it no longer was really good and all of the things came crashing down. She asked me about my anxiety, I said I think I am managing it pretty good. I think I am ok. She then rephrases and says "What gives you the most anxiety right now?" without missing a beat I blurted out "Going home!" and busted out in tears.

I know what you are thinking. "What????? As long as you have harped on getting back home and whined and moaned and groaned about missing your life your people.. NOW you have anxiety about it??? What is WRONG with you??" I know this because that is what the others in my head were screaming, which lead to the crying, which lead to the self doubt.. see the avalanche here? 

In talking it through with Dr AAwesome, it was realized that the anxiety about going back home was built on fear of falling back into the chaos, into the unhealthy, into the depression, into the suicidal thoughts, into the drinking, into a distant relationship with my guy and all of these things are very real and right now very likely what would happen. So do you see where the crushing confusion and stress is coming in? I have anxiety over my anxiety about coming home, or going home, or however you want to word it. Because "why are you so freaked out about getting to the place that you have longed to be.. what are you stupid Re?" The whole thing is stupid.. that is what it all is.. stupid. But alas, the decision was made for right now to not spend long periods there at my beloved home, a couple of nights here and there but no week long trips, no thoughts of when I can pack it all up and get back there, to play it safe and keep nurturing all of the good things that is happening in my life and keep building on the foundation that I have been working on for months. That too has brought on MORE anxiety, i cried out .. "What about my friends, my home, my FAMILY!!!"

Dr AAwesome comes right back with .. "What about them and it?" I said "I will lose them all!" With just a tad hint of curiosity she pushed a little harder.. "What do you mean?"  More working through things... ugh.. I mean I am not there, all of those relationships I worked so hard to build, my friends, my chosen family, my home.. I will lose it all. I am not there to take care of my home. I am not there to nurture the friendships and be part of lives and events... and... *silent tears*

Even now right this minute there are tears running down my face..

There was a pause in the conversation and we both sat in silence, me crying.. her thinking.. When she says "You have lost so much, your fear is understandable, but your have to realize that anything you lose through this time was not meant to be. Even those friendships that you speak of, those that fall by the side were there for a season and those that continue to be, those are the true bonds that you are never going to lose no matter how far away or how long it is, those are the ones that matter, the ones that randomly still reach out, the ones that truly want to know how you are, the ones that think of you and realize you are missing in a photo or an event, those are the ones that you should fear losing, but know that you never will, those people.. they are your tribe. What I need you to understand Re, is if you force this, if you go back "home" as you call it, chances are you are going to lose more than you are trying to save, you will lose you."

This is where I am... not really at peace over any of it, still pondering and sifting through it all and feeling.. homeless.. again.  So if you see me .. or if you don't.. please have patience.. this one has been really hard to work through and I am not even close to done yet.

Signing off with this.. some days .. it's ok to not be ok.

Peace Love and Light

Re

Happy beautiful Monday all!

I think it is to be a scorcher this week. So stay hydrated (Re that's for you too.. drink your dang water! You know you are an idiot that runs in the hottest part of the day.. DRINK YOUR WATER!!) and spend time in the shade. Be still.

I posted on Saturday morning about my frantic house cleaning event. All because I invited my other brother to dinner. He has been here in the last 6 months,,, on some of the worst days, he has seen the mess but Saturday you would think that I invited the Queen of Sheba and her entourage, instead of people that love me.  The depression goggles fell off as I got up Saturday morning and I felt that old friend coming for a visit. Mr Panic! I hit the floor running, I was doing 6 things at one time, literally, I was stopping and thinking "Wait you were washing dishes, why are you now folding clothes, go finish the dishes, but before I made it back to the kitchen I was in the bathroom spraying things, then picking up shoes, only to find a sock and remember that I was folding clothes, to start folding clothes and finding a dish towel and remember I was SUPPOSED to be washing dishes. I have issues. AND I was getting NOTHING finished. Nothing.

Thankfully Ed needed food and I needed to go to the grocery store so off to a great breakfast at Howard Dooley's we went. I do need to apologize to Tracy and Robby.. I was not my normal "hey how is everything? Whats going on?" self I was totally in my head calculating all of the things that had to get done before 7 pm and if I had time to do it. Generating a list that I desperately needed to write as soon as I got home. I most definitely was not trying to be rude, but I feel like I was. I love you guys.. just know that :)

As soon as I got home I whipped up the very long list of things that needed to be done.

• Sweep (KD is in a MAJOR shedding event right now.. there was at least 3 more dogs hiding in my house just in lost fur alone, I do not know how she is not bald, I feel like I have brushed out most of her undercoat and yet.. it is STILL EVERYWHERE) 
• Dust (see above)
  
• Mop (I say mop but it started with hand washing the kitchen and bathroom floors, then mopped)
  
• Kitchen (which means what it says.. everything in the kitchen needed a good scrub)
  
• Bathroom (again the same thing,,, everything in the bathroom)
  
• pick up all of the things that are just not where they belong
  
• Cut the grass
  
• Sweep the Porch
  
• Blow off the deck
  
• Weedeat
  
• Set up the tables outside
  
• COOK! (Wings and "Tater Salad" and the Salad dressing)
  

I think there was more on this list but it was an insane amount of things to get done. As I wrote it my chest just kept getting tighter and tighter and Ed kept saying "Wow you got up grumpy" and all I could do was scream GET OUT! It was NOT a pretty morning at all.

I started with the things that had to be done in the kitchen, the wings needed dry rubbing, the dressing needed to be made, the cauliflower steamed (Tee I LOVE my green thing by the way I think I forgot to tell you that) check check check... I was mentally in my head thinking this needed to be done before that, instead of just running from task to task to task leaving all unfinished. I was getting somewhere!

I am so thankful that somewhere in the middle of all of that Ed I think realizes that I may have overloaded my plate and he cut the grass and set up the tables and umbrellas on the porch. (PS he wasn't just sitting around .. well maybe he was but it wasn't in my line of sight LOL he had his things he was doing too)

Sometime around 530 Pm I sat down on the deck... looked around... checked the list.. and it was done. Every thing on the list was done. Not one thing remained. I had a few minutes to Be Still and Know.

Time to calm my racing mind and heart, to be in the fact that we pulled it off, we did it all, and know what we accomplished before our guest arrived. I am so grateful for those few minutes because they allowed me to then enjoy my company. Had I not I think i would have still been frantic when they arrived. The yard looked amazing (thanks babe) the house was spotless, the food was amazing, and the company was incredible! The evening was a SUCCESS!

"That's nice Re. Why are you rambling on about mundane household chores?"

I'm not.. I am talking about being still.

It was not all of those chores that were completed during the day that made the night wonderful. It was those few moments that Ed and I had together on the deck in between the chores and our arriving family that made it wonderful. Those few moments of Being Still and Knowing we had done all we could to make the night successful. I think so much of our life is caught up in the rat race that we just don't take the time to Be Still and Know (you can fill in the rest of that however you would like). Right now the scale is being still, I am still hovering right between two goals, the last and the next, and it just won't tip over to the side I am longing for.

This morning when yet again it had not hit that goal I thought to myself, Be still and look at what you have accomplished already! Be still and know you are still putting in the work! Be still and know it will happen! Be still and let your body do what it needs to get to the next goal! Sometimes we want things to be just so that we keep pushing and pushing and pushing when the key to the success we long for is just... being still.  So for today I am going to just appreciate how far I have come and how much farther I know I will go!

Signing off today with this, is there an area in your life that you are just you just can't seem to get to goal? Can you Be Still in it for a day, a week, even a month and allow it the room it needs to breathe?

Peace Love and Light

Re

Hey Friends! What a LONG short week it has been!!!

I did something yesterday I have not done since February. I worked 11 and a half hours! I had a late scheduled meeting that ended up with a few action items so the hours racked up, normally I have been taking time for myself during the day if I foresee a late day happening but I had therapy (not ready to talk about that just yet) that left me just too tired to make any decisions so I just sat here. I ended up getting lots of things done so it was a good trade off.

I was so darn tired when I was done though I invited dad over for an early dinner so I could get to bed even earlier than my normal early. He asked me if it bothered me to go to bed and then wake up that early, Nope.. NOT AT ALL.. I still like my dark early mornings where it is just me with my thoughts... but that is not even remotely close to what happened last night. Not only did I go to bed super duper early for me.. I slept until the alarm woke me. Now that my friends is TIRED!

Nothing super bad happened during my therapy session so let me point that out. Just some hard truths that I wasn't prepared to face. The majority of the hour was spent on really good things and how well things are and how much more open I am, (I will go into that today a bit) but that one little section.. SHEW that was an emotional doozy! But let's go back to the how open I am feeling. In a way I feel sorry for poor Ed. I think he looked at me more than once last weekend trying to figure out who exactly I was. Remember that mega wall I told you guys about that we worked to take down a few weeks ago in my appointment, well he was not immune to my walls. No one was. I would spend my time guarded, even with him. There wasn't much laughter, silliness, or a million other things. There was very controlled conversations (unless there was a complete melt down and then all bets were off), settings, everything had to be so he only saw what I allowed him to, what I allowed YOU too. I had to not let you .. any of you... see me. Because if you did... you would leave too. (now that is a story for another day)

You were all allowed to see the depression, the weight problems, the struggles, the grief, the worry.. but you know what... not one of those things IS me. They don't define me, they aren't my character or my life. A mental illness, an emotion, or a battle DO NOT DEFINE ME, they may be a part of me, but they are not all I have to offer this world.

How many times do we say things like:

I am bi polar.
I am fat.
I am diabetic.
I am... FILL IN THE BLANK.

But are you? Are you really just fat? Or do you have fat that you want to get rid of, I mean if you are just fat doesn't that mean you are nothing but? Frankly you are anything but .. you know that right? You are not fat, you are YOU with something you want to work on. Are you really just bi polar? Or do you have bi polar disorder that you are battling every day. I could go on and on with things that we all claim we are, but we aren't, we just have.

In thinking about this I realize that the door swings both ways. We trip ourselves up with that sometimes.

I am happy.
I am strong.
I am stable.

Ummm Re? What is wrong with being those things? Nothing absolutely nothing, as long as you realize that they also do not define you. They are part of you and where you are right now, but in life things change, rapidly. If you allow where you are at this moment to define you, let's just use the examples above, if happiness, strength, and stability define you today, and tomorrow you find out you have debilitating cancer, all of a sudden you are no longer the things that defined you, what a serious double crushing blow. You are not those things, they are part of you.

So what does that even mean? It means it is ok to allow yourself to be you, even when you is made up of things like bi polar disorder, happiness, weight struggles, strength, we do not have to be all of something or nothing, we can be all things and everything. Grief does not define my happiness, I can miss my babies and still feel joy. Fat does not define or negate my strength, I can still battle my weight and be strong. Bi polar does not define or negate my stability. I can still recognize my disorder and live a stable and productive life.

We are so much more than we ever imagined when we stop defining ourselves with moments and blips in this thing we can life.

I feel happy. I feel strong. Things are stable. I have bipolar disorder. I am working on my weight. I care for others. I cherish my friendships. I love a good challenge. I enjoy laughter. I still grieve. I feel sad.

I am... me.

Also me talks to much according to Ed.. sorry babe... I have years to catch up on.

Peace love and Light.

Re

Good Morning loves,

I hope you all had a wonderful day yesterday! I really have nothing to complain about my day, I overcame some obstacles (more on that in a second) and I took my longest ride on Penny (which was crazy hard) and I got flagged on the book of faces for false information. I am going to attempt to type out the quote that was flagged again. "A meaningful life is about being rich, being popular, being highly educated or being perfect, it's about being real, being humble, being strong, and being able to share ourselves and touch the lives of others". I told a friend last night that after reading it I could see how that could be false for some, because they truly believe it is about the money and power, but what got me.. what REALLY got me.. is that when I researched how to appeal that (I couldn't figure it out) I ended up learning that someone had to actually report the post in order to have it flagged (I am still deep down hoping for a algorithm that went wonky but I am not seeing that) In the end it just made me sad. Number 1 that someone felt so badly in their own life and Number 2 that anyone that is able to see that post (it was not public) is on my "friends" list and would take the time to make multiple clicks to report me for being .... *gasp* positive.  I mean I get it.. i am NOT everyone's cup of tea and that is quite alright but come on.. If it is you.. if you dislike my post that much.. if you find yourself seething with anger when you read my words, first off man up and tell me yourself, second just stop reading. Is it that hard? I can promise you it is only going to get more positive from here!

I didn't sleep super well last night, had a hard time falling asleep likely because my brain was whirling from the above, so I did something I have not done in WEEKS.... I hit the snooze... TWICE. I just couldn't manage to get my feet on the floor this morning. I think sometimes we just need those extra moments to reset for the day and that is ok, we don't have to get up and get the worm every single morning.

I am again all over the place this morning. not a well thought out post, I didn't let this one marinate. I just simplly needed to get my thoughts out there today. Kinda like my sleep, sometimes we just need those emotional releases and that is ok too!

Circling back around to my obstacle I got over yesterday. On Monday I took the jet ski out on it's first ride of the season, she did ok but something didn't sound quite right (ed and I heard different things) so when he went to looking he found it, cracked manifold. Fun times. It was cold out there anyway so we spent the remainder of the day attempting to remove it so we could replace it. (don't roll your eyes I don't mind getting dirty and wielding a wrench.) So we worked and worked and searched for each bolt and we got them all except this one impossible to reach pain in the ass! I bet we spent an hour on that thing alone. He tried, I tried, back and forth back and forth, my arms and hands are actually bruised from trying to reach that thing. Finally we both said forget it and in the garage she went!

I had a choice here. I could leave that thing sitting right there until next weekend or yesterday after work, and all my chores were done I could walk out there and take another crack at it. I had 20 minutes of time left over so I said, I can at least go look.

I opened the garage door, flipped on the lights, and there she sat looming with her tightly stuck impossible to reach nut. The problem had not just gone away, she was right there, but with the added bonus of the lights in the garage are not very bright and I coudln't see very good. I stood there. She sat there. I stood there some more and she didn't budge. I literally thought to myself "What am I doing wrong here?" I reached back in my archive of useless crap and it came to me. I was applying the wrong solution to the problem! Well duh but it was then that I realized that I needed to rethink, the day before everything we tried was to end in putting pressure on that nut to break it loose. That we had to get an angle on the wrench that allowed for Ed to use strength, but that was not even close to what needed to happen. It needed consistency. It needed my small hands. It needed about 20 small taps and not one huge push. In those 20 minutes I had, I accomplished the goal, nut was removed, I closed up shop and went to the ball game with a little bit of pride. And of course the whole thing got my brain to spinning.

How many times in life do we do that? We have a problem, doesn't matter what it is, and we go at it all gang busters the same exact way we have each and every time only to end up not succeeding. What do we then, try again and again and again, only to end up beaten up and bruised and STILL not succeeding. We fail to take the few moments to ponder if there could be a different solution to the outcome you desire. To quote Jack Sparrow here "The problem isn't the problem the problem is your attitude about the problem."

I am so guilty of this, so very guilty. I have known for so long what exactly a lot of my problems were, but I thought the solution was "POWER THROUGH!!! Don't ask for help. Only you can help you, no one else will understand" and year after year after year that is exactly what I applied to my problems resulting in deeper and deeper and deeper depression, mental illness, and weight gain. I am so utterly grateful that I realize today it is so very ok to be wrong and back up and try a differently!!!

Signing off today with this, is there something in your life that you are just banging your head against? Can you take a break and revisit it tomorrow, a few days, a week from now with a fresh set of eyes?

Peace Love and Light

Re

Good Morning all you beautiful people!

Yesterday left me thinking a lot about life. How incredibly short it truly is. This was for obvious reasons Memorial Day isn't about the living so you do have a tendency to let your mind wander to death and what are you doing in this life. As I sat down I knew I wanted to write about the shortness of it, what had not popped into my head yet was the title, but as I gathered photos to share and was forming the words to type, I thought to myself, "You know life IS just like a box of chocolates, but it is so much more than not knowing what you are going to get!" Who among us has recieved one of those HUGE boxes of Whitman's for Christmas? I do not believe I ever did but I know my mom did and frankly that was one of the Christmas highlights! Sitting here now I am thinking that the giver probably could have put a little more effort in the gift but I am grateful they didn't. I can remember them being wrapped in cyclophan and the hope and anticipation I would feel about what was inside of that box (hey I was a fat kid leave me alone) knowing that there was goodness inside. Don't we feel that way about life when we are going into new experiences? Learning to ride a bike? Our first date? Our first marriage? The birth of a child? The new job? We go into it with the highest of hopes!

Sometimes when we reach in we get that wonderful chocolate caramel and all of our hopes and dreams are met, but other times we get that milk chocolate with cherry cream and nuts, which was not at all what we had planned. Our marriage fails, we lose the job, we fall and skin our knee, our child dies. This didn't go as planned, not at all. So what do we do? Do we look at the box and say "You gave me a bad piece.. you suck! I am done with you!" and toss it out? Or do we just toss out the remainder of that nasty little cherry traitor and try again? For so long I have wanted to toss that box out. Just be done with this, because I felt that with each selection it was cherry cream after cherry cream after cherry cream and it left me no desire to chose again out of fear for another damn cherry cream! That fear left me not enjoying any of the chocolate caramels though, not a one. I had no hope or anticipation when I looked at my life, it was a long slow drudgery that just sat there in front of me mocking me. Like the remainder of the chocolates in a box if you don't chose one, they just sat there.  Do you know what happens to chocolates that just sit there year after year after year? They melt, mold, dry out and become a wasted mess of trash, just waiting on someone to come along and toss them out. That was me, that is where I was waiting to have the cuorage to throw myself out or hopefully someone or something else would come along and take care of the task for me.

I wasted a lot of chocolate caramels over the last decade, but no more. I don't want to live in fear of cherry cream!

Seriously if you didn't laugh at that... check your box of chocolates you may need to dust it off.

What are you even saying here Re? I am saying that life is too short to sit here freting over what is going to happen next, because the truth is SOMETHING is going to happen and it is going to happen with or without you. I can't tell you that it is going to be good or bad but it going to happen. It is going to happen regardless if you are out there looking for the next adventure or sitting in your recliner letting it go by. It is going to happen regardless if you keep your stories and feeling and words to yourself or you share yourself openly. It is going to happen NO MATTER WHAT PATH YOU CHOOSE so why not give yourself the freedom to be part of it?

Trust me I KNOW how hard it is! I fight the urge every single day to shut the door, turn off the computer, stop responding and retreat back into the safety of the darkness. Yes I have to fight to stay out of that horribly sad place, because it is comfortable and while the things still happen it does offer a layer of protection.

This weekend was full of hard choices, "Oh you didn't see those?" Let me fill you in on some.

I posted a photo of myself in pajamas at what looked like my hightest weight ever (it wasn't by 20 pounds) That was way out of that comfort zone. But it was a choice to continue to share my life and my truth with you. My hard work and dedication so that someone may be inspired to help themselves or even reach out to me to help them get started (hey L I know I owe you a coffee phone call.. we have GOT to mesh our calendars this week.. ps I am proud of you.. I saw your post... so proud). I chose a chocolate.

I went to a party. That sounds incredibly simple right? Go to a party, who doesn't want to go to a party? Me that is who. There are and were so many ways that could have gone sideways. But I chose to go and surround myself with people I adore and extend myself outside of the safety of these walls and land boundaries I set for myself. Yes I do still have a tendency to hide, but, I chose a chocolate.

I ran my first 5k in YEARS. Oh Re you could finish a 5k with your eyes closed. Yup I sure could but it would have been at a walk with no effort because that is where I had gotten, no effort, no efforts given! But that is not where I wanted to be on this race, I wanted to do my best to really try and that on the same hand scared me! What if I failed, what if I was sooooo slow that everyone was standing around waiting on me? What if .. what if.. what if.. could I have allowed the what if's to over ride my desire to go.. ABSOLUTELY because I was darn close. But I went and I shared my morning with a group of friends that mean so much to me. I was a key player in one of my deartest friends first 5k's. I finished in less time that I had set out for myself and you know what.. no one was standing there waiting on me .. I got to finish the race with my earth angel and one of the most beautiful and strong women I know (also her first 5k) and the others? They were cheering for us as we finished. I chose a chocolate.

I wore the 2 peice. I can't begin to tell you how far that was outside of my comfort zone, but I pushed through that zone, put it on, and then took a picture for all of the world to see! It's not perfect by any means, I still have lumps bumps and rolls, and sitting down is well.. yea let's not talk about that, but it is a step towards accepting my body in the state it is in and where it is going. I chose a chocolate.

Was I perfect in any of these situations? Absolutely not, but I shared my wealth, not only with others but with myself. One day, that box is going to run out of chocolates and there will be no more choices to make, there will be only one left and that chocolate will be neither caramel or cherry cream it will be the sum of all of the chocolates you ever chose, and for me.. I am realizing that I want to try as many chocolates as possible, the only way you will ever get to all of the caramels in this life is by risking getting a cherry cream from time to time.

Signing off with this take some time today and just think about if you are really living life to it's fullest or are you gaurding yourself. If you are gaurding yourself right now what are some small things this week you can do to break that?

Peace Love and Light

Re

(PS I should note that it was me that always threw out the little piece of paper that came in the box with the chocolates, there was joy in the unknown back then, which was before Whitman's started printing the names on the lid.. .after that I had to just not look)