Seriously! Hi! How are you? Isn't it a beautiful day?? No Seriously! The rain we needed it so bad! I know you are thinking it has rained for days! Sure it has but our ground was so dry, that with the exception of the down pours that just run off, this constant soaking rain has been wonderful. Things are GREEN! With the exception of my brussel sprouts that caterpillars ate up in one day. They are just little spiny sticks. There are a few leaves so I am hoping for the best but preparing for the inevitable demise. It also may be too hot for them so I will retry brussels in the fall along with kale! Enough about my plants.
Anyway.. where have I been. Pondering that is where. Unfortunately pondering over hard things makes me eat, so I am kinda stuck in the same 5 pound range. Hold on, when I say eat, yes I ate .. but never out side of my plan, I just ate a bit too much of the right things if that makes sense. I have not gained, and quite frankly even through I have not lost I do see a improvement in my body just from last week. It is almost like my skin caught up to the rest of me. Anyhow.. that was gross. So what are you pondering over Re.. and what has been happening.
Home... interesting word isn't it.
noun: home; plural noun: homes
the place where one lives permanently, especially as a member of a family or household.
Eighteenish months I have been away from home. Longing for my friends, my bed, my office, my family, my normal, my job, my life! I have cried, whined, cursed, resigned, at some point accepted, all over I was "stuck" here and not there. (Side note: I was not stuck in a sense that I would have gone back had someone said LEAVE JUST GO.. because my parents they mean more to me than that, and I would live in hell if it meant keeping them safe and comfortable, I was here because I was needed and this is where I wanted to be, but that didn't stop the longing for home) What I did not see happening in that time frame was the change. Sure we worked on the house, inside and out, sure I built stronger friendships with people that live here, sure I adjusted to those friendships not being coffee every day, but chance meetings here and there, sure I created a routine of care for my dad, sure my relationship with the idiot upstairs has gotten so much deeper, sure I have established routines for myself in the way of self care and training, sure I have planted a garden that needs continuous care, sure I have a few fish tanks.... but this is not home. Or is it...
I am going to what seems like side track but I think it may be related I just didn't want to admit that it was related and I wanted it to be physical and not mental. It truly was a chicken or the egg scenario and regardless of what caused the problem the problem was too dangerously high to ignore. I was sitting here Tuesday working and right from the start of the day I felt... off... I didn't write that day and jumped right into work, and immediately felt super stressed over work related topics, but felt physically off too, but I pushed on through. (PS I am really close to caught up at work right now I powered through the rest of the week and I am so close .. I worked incredibly LONG hours but I needed to do that for peace of mind) As I said I pushed on through until... I couldn't. I realized my chest was "tight" I wouldn't say it was pain it was just wrong. I sat here a minute and realized I felt WAY off so I took a peak at my heart rate fully expecting it to be racing... it was in the 50s. You people know me right? My heart rate in the 50's UNHEARD OF like not even when i am asleep will it hit 50s or even 60s for that matter. Sure I have been working out but I am most definitely not some elite anything. I stood up.. still in the high 50's low 60's and something was way off.. I was freezing. My arms and legs were like ice.
I called my handy dandy friend with the gadgets and knowledge aka my mom and she was here lickedy split and took my BP.. 170/108 ummm wait what? This from the chick who has always had a lowish BP even when is was super big. We hmmmmed and haaaawwwed over what to do next. I didn't FEEL like I was dying but I felt WAY off. My vision wouldn't focus when I looked around, my body felt like I had been drinking but I had not been, I felt wobbly and just weird. We called my heart doctor who diverted our trip to Urgent Care to the ER because they said as soon as you tell them what is wrong they are calling 911. Yea no thanks.
I was hooked up to the machines again, EKG looked good, blood work came back with elevated enzymes (which by the way 90% of the time mean heart attack) BUT WAIT.. "the lab was wrong, sorry you really aren't having a heart attack.. but we are going to redo the labs anyway." IV of fluid in there somewhere and I had started feeling better, even after they basically didn't tell me the lab was wrong for 30 minutes or so. By this point I just wanted to leave and I stood up realized I had my balance back and could see right.
My question to the doctor was, so what caused it? Frankly if he could have professionally shrugged his shoulders it would have been better than the dance around the question answer he provided, which basically said "I don't know" and which came first, the anxiety or the BP? To me, anxiety or panic attacks have never caused low heart rates so it seemed to me the BP was first, but was it? I honestly have no answers but it does seem more dehydration and stress related that heart structure related and as embarrassing as that is and the fact that I wasted everyone's time for what was likely a panic attack, I am grateful!
I do want to finish this little section up with this, I have honestly felt better the last 3 days than I have in weeks. My heart rate has stayed down not crazy down but I am more of a normal range than stupid high range. My BP seems fine. I ran yesterday and felt great. So don't worry.. I am OK.
So Re what the hell was that all about???
What has you pondering and stressed so hard Re? One, work is a bit nuts again, we are all overloaded and because I have not worked crazy hours for months I was really behind and the stress of having that over my head was too much to bear and as with all companies these days there are changes happening and some of them are hard to swallow. That is an easy answer there... The hard part is coming.
So you know I told you last week I was not ready to talk about my appointment and what happened? It was STUCK IN MY BRAIN ON OVER DRIVE. We had a great session, like REALLY good, until it no longer was really good and all of the things came crashing down. She asked me about my anxiety, I said I think I am managing it pretty good. I think I am ok. She then rephrases and says "What gives you the most anxiety right now?" without missing a beat I blurted out "Going home!" and busted out in tears.
I know what you are thinking. "What????? As long as you have harped on getting back home and whined and moaned and groaned about missing your life your people.. NOW you have anxiety about it??? What is WRONG with you??" I know this because that is what the others in my head were screaming, which lead to the crying, which lead to the self doubt.. see the avalanche here?
In talking it through with Dr AAwesome, it was realized that the anxiety about going back home was built on fear of falling back into the chaos, into the unhealthy, into the depression, into the suicidal thoughts, into the drinking, into a distant relationship with my guy and all of these things are very real and right now very likely what would happen. So do you see where the crushing confusion and stress is coming in? I have anxiety over my anxiety about coming home, or going home, or however you want to word it. Because "why are you so freaked out about getting to the place that you have longed to be.. what are you stupid Re?" The whole thing is stupid.. that is what it all is.. stupid. But alas, the decision was made for right now to not spend long periods there at my beloved home, a couple of nights here and there but no week long trips, no thoughts of when I can pack it all up and get back there, to play it safe and keep nurturing all of the good things that is happening in my life and keep building on the foundation that I have been working on for months. That too has brought on MORE anxiety, i cried out .. "What about my friends, my home, my FAMILY!!!"
Dr AAwesome comes right back with .. "What about them and it?" I said "I will lose them all!" With just a tad hint of curiosity she pushed a little harder.. "What do you mean?" More working through things... ugh.. I mean I am not there, all of those relationships I worked so hard to build, my friends, my chosen family, my home.. I will lose it all. I am not there to take care of my home. I am not there to nurture the friendships and be part of lives and events... and... *silent tears*
Even now right this minute there are tears running down my face..
There was a pause in the conversation and we both sat in silence, me crying.. her thinking.. When she says "You have lost so much, your fear is understandable, but your have to realize that anything you lose through this time was not meant to be. Even those friendships that you speak of, those that fall by the side were there for a season and those that continue to be, those are the true bonds that you are never going to lose no matter how far away or how long it is, those are the ones that matter, the ones that randomly still reach out, the ones that truly want to know how you are, the ones that think of you and realize you are missing in a photo or an event, those are the ones that you should fear losing, but know that you never will, those people.. they are your tribe. What I need you to understand Re, is if you force this, if you go back "home" as you call it, chances are you are going to lose more than you are trying to save, you will lose you."
This is where I am... not really at peace over any of it, still pondering and sifting through it all and feeling.. homeless.. again. So if you see me .. or if you don't.. please have patience.. this one has been really hard to work through and I am not even close to done yet.
Signing off with this.. some days .. it's ok to not be ok.
Peace Love and Light