Have you ever spent an entire day riding roller coasters? Its so fun at first and everyone is screaming and laughing and smiling, then mid day your arms are tired from holding on, your throat is starting to twinge, your abs feel like you have done 32423493743 sit ups, but you still squeal and laugh and smile. As darkness falls and the lights of the park shine and everyone is still all smiling and laughing and screaming and you continue to as well.. in the back of your mind you are thinking ... HOW are they still all so happy.. everything HURTS and I just want my bed!!!!

That is exactly what depression is like.

First off it is much like a roller coaster in the fact that you have no idea if you are going to be up or down or in the lights or darkness, you have NO IDEA!!! It's all a mystery until it happens, but that is not what I am talking about here. Follow along...

So reread the first paragraph. Notice that everyone is smiling and laughing and having a WONDERFUL time, in the morning, midday, evening.. still smiling and laughing. Even at the end when you are just over it all and in pain, still smiling and laughing. What you don't realize when you look around is that everyone around you has hurting feet, sore abs, itchy throats, but no one wants to be the one that say.. I hurt. They don't want to be the one that ends everyone's happy day. So they smile and laugh and you never know.

I received a text last night that had multiple points in it that the sender had made about themselves. I read them and I knew there was a silly undertone to it but also knew the statements to be true but I didn't see them as negative things about this person. It was just where life had taken them.  My only response was What the Hell???? They very quickly let me know they were writing their own blog post and these were the bad things they felt.

Further along in the conversation it was stated that they didn't understand why I was so hard on myself, but they too understood because they felt the same thoughts. In a million years I would have never guessed, or fathomed that they were in anyway at all sad much less feel negativity toward themselves. It made me wonder how many people were riding the roller coaster and smiling and laughing but wanted to chop their feet off because they hurt so bad.

It made me feel not so incredibly alone.

Maybe if I took the time to just look around, instead of straight down off of the edge, I would find that there are probably others standing right there beside me, others not only needing a kind word in support of the truth I know about them but are also there to lend me the hand I need to see more than the failure. The bottom line is we are all struggling with something, I just don't mind telling people my feet hurt and this is not fun anymore, while others hide it all too well and we don't even have a clue.

We all deal with our struggles differently, me I turn to food and a glass of wine or 6. It is difficult to let go of your security blanket, unfortunately my security blanket is also causing me feelings of failure in other aspects such as my weight and my training ability, so I have a catch 22 going on. Some people hide their struggles, some people talk them over with only close friends, some of us parade them around on the porch for the neighbors to see, and it is all ok.

The important thing here is to just realize we aren't alone.

While I continue to struggle and hang on each and every day, please know, that if I could help just one person in anyway I would. Sometimes, it is the purpose we need to just get to tomorrow.

Much love to you my friends.
Re

PS sorry if this got a little scrambly... I don't think my thoughts were coming out like I intended.

But today has definitely been a doozie!

There is really no point in going into all that has gone absolutely backwards since 12:01 am today but lets just say it has been INSANE! It's really neither here nor there and the little sickly monster Banx is recovering nicely on a nice clean pile of clothes that I hadn't managed to fold yet. No, I don't have the heart to make him move I will just wash them again, and I will snuggle him later even if he has turned today on it's end all before I had coffee.

I am in a slightly better place than I was last week and the week before but no where near Ok. I am still racked with never being good enough, strong enough, fast enough, that I am a disappointment and a burden. I am not smart enough, financially stable enough. I eat too much, I drink too much, I don't exercise enough. I am too fat, too weak, too short. I am not committed enough.

It is times like this that I can't find not even one good thing about myself. Nothing. That at 45 years old I am nothing more than a failure. It doesn't matter what you say to me.. that is what I see. Words don't really matter much because my brain can twist them around faster than an Oklahoma tornado (do they have tornado's in Oklahoma?) People don't really mean it.. they are obligated because they are decent kind humans. It's what normal people do, they try to help the pathetic.

I still have two choices, keep on just fighting or stop.

Some where in the middle of all of this there has to be a reason. A purpose. I don't think I was left here on this Earth to be a colossal failure. I do not want to die useless. So the only option left is to keep going, even on days like today when I just don't see the point and it is hard to see through the tears of trying to understand why God would take two of my beautiful babies that were so full of promise ,love and ambition and leave such a failure here for everyone to have to deal with.

I "stole" this image right off of someones wall.. I have a habit of "stealing" from said person. Her Kitchen Aide mixer is currently residing in my pantry, her eye ball ring on my window sill, her shoes are not in my closet but that is only because I have not been able to find them, so I am pretty sure she won't be all to surprised to see this being recycled on my blog. Anyhoo.. there it is.. and they were just too perfect not to use.

It is important to point out that I do know I post about my emotions and feelings and where I am in life at the moment a lot. Hell I post a lot period but there are very good reasons I post about where I am in life. It's not for attention as some have stated.. well maybe it is but not self fulfilling attention. It is to bring attention and awareness to a problem. A problem I have, a problem others have, a problem that you .. you reading this may have. I just have this ability to write about it, so that is what I do.

Some times like yesterday it was a cry for help. Some days it is just because I need to get the words out of my head. Some days it isn't even about me and more about something I have witnessed in someone else. There are some important things to understand in all of this, I will try to discuss them now.

First and foremost, I do know I am playing a dangerous game with my own life. It is not for everyone, I don't suggest or even being to imagine that anyone should try to do it. No, that does not mean I think I am better than others, or have more fight in me, in all honestly it may mean I am flat out stupid, but it is where I am right now. I have medical diagnoses for what is wrong with me, it is more acronyms than I care to go into and if you really want to know I don't mind telling you but it is irrelevant to this discussion. They want me medicated, the same they that didn't want to give me an antibiotic when I felt like I was dying, actually want me to take more pills in a days time that there are days in the week. Nope, no thank you. This problem I have is like the words above say... a wave.. it is a disgusting ugly nasty black tidal wave.. but a wave. It isn't an endless pit, a black hole into nothingness, an ocean of misery, it's a wave. The darkness will subside and the sun will shine again, the problem is if I was medicated not only does the darkness stay away so does the light and you end up living in a gray area that doesn't matter at all.  I don't want that to be my life. I deserve more than gray.

Second thing I know, the light is an amazing place to live, but sometimes I burn just a little too brightly and the light gets me in trouble too. I might take risks that others wouldn't dream of, I might spend more money than I have, or I may create an amazing piece of art and throw it away because one thing wasn't right. So far I have managed to control that to a degree and I continue to try.

Next up.. my weight. I work out a lot. I know most of you think why doesn't she weigh 0 by now. Well because of a couple of things. Food and Wine never fail you, they never leave you and they never die. They make very good friends, I didn't say that they don't hurt you, but it is very easy to turn to them. That is why. I know I need to try harder to eat right and drink less. I will get there, just not today I am sure.

I smile. I laugh. I have a good time. I enjoy my friends and family. I walk my Banx. I snuggle with Ilona's doggies. I take pictures. I post funny stuff. I work out. I show up. I do many things that don't look like depression, I think this confuses people into thinking I am ok. Just because I look ok on the outside, does not mean I am not drowning on the inside.

I am exhausted. Physically and Mentally. Yes I do sleep but it is not sleep I need. I need peace.

I am in pain. Physically and Mentally. I don't know which is causing which anymore.

The most important thing you need to know, goes back to the first thing. I know how dangerous this is. I know I am standing on the edge of a cliff watching the wave come barreling at me. I know all it would take was for me to falter just once and it would take me out to sea. For right now I am hanging on, I know there is sunshine right on the other side, but, if ever it takes me, don't be sad, I have been ready to go for a long time.

Love and Peace,
Re

I read something a bit ago about tears... tears come when you don't have the words to express how bad it hurts. At the moment I would agree to a point, because the words make no sense.

Why does it hurt so bad? Why do I feel like an utter and complete failure? Why can't I just accept that I won't ever be good enough?  You are supposed to be happy for others successes right? Me I always wonder what I did so wrong.

Why don't I have the nice house? Why don't I have the awesome vehicle? Where the hell is my loving husband?

Why did my kids die?

What did I do so incredibly wrong in this life that at every turn I am complete and utter failure. Why do I have to fight this hard to just want to live not to mention the act of actually living?

Why does this life HAVE to be so DAMN HARD!!!