Another angelversary has come, 3 years 6 months and 22 minutes right now. It has not gotten easier, it has gotten different. There are moments that stop me in my tracks and drop me to my knees still, I have a feeling that will happen for the remainder of my life, and that is ok. Moments in time is absolutely acceptable, and I think you will fully agree, but I know in my heart that you do not want me dwelling there. You would not want me to be stuck between life and death, you would want me to live.

It has taken me all of this time to get to the point where I feel like I could breathe again, where I could be again. This morning was number who even knows anymore bootcamp graduation. It was so incredibly surreal when Trusz had us stand on the ledge and look out over the ocean, he didn't even know that the last time I did that, it was you standing on that ledge with me, looking out over the same ocean, I smiled and remembered your pride and your smile that day. I glanced around and found your brother and I saw in him what I saw in you that day. I know with all my heart you stood with us this morning ... because as Chris said... "Just because you can't see it does not mean it is not there".... he had no clue how those simple words sang to my heart.

I love you my sweet beautiful angel.
With all my love always,
Mommy

In 9 short days it will have been 3 years and 6 months since my beautiful daughter was alive. That is almost the same amount of time I have spent dying. Sure I was breathing, I was moving, I was present, but I was barely there. My physical being was going through the motions day in and day out.. hell I even ran a marathon during that time, but my soul and spirit were dark. I don't remember a lot about the last 3 and a half years, people will start talking and say.. don't you remember (fill in blank here) and I honestly do not. What I remember is feeling cold, tired, empty, and just ready to die. I tried to fix it in a multitude of ways, I threw myself at work, I tried to train for a marathon, I did run it but it was terrible, I did a couple of spartans, I drank a lot, I did maybe one bootcamp... I don't know maybe two, I spent a ton of money, I moved... nothing worked. The more I did the deeper and darker everything became. Over and over the video played in my head of my baby, my beautiful child laying in the road, of her being tossed from the vehicle, of the very graphic impact. With each replaying of this horrific video my brain so kindly made up for me, another piece of my spirit died. You see, other than the very sad image of my daddy holding her hand and the first glimpse of her laying there, the rest of it is made up. It's all a lie that my brain created to torture me, because I failed and I deserved to be hurt.

In April I took a trip, to New Orleans, it had been somewhere I had been wanting to go my whole life. Most people dream of vacations on beautiful beaches and warm waters, me I wanted the spirit of NOLA. It was on that trip that my bff mentioned he was going to be teaching a bootcamp and something just sparked. Here my bff was, who had supported me and stood by me through about a bazillion pounds and kept a check on me through all of the darkness, embarking on a new journey and I knew I needed to be there to support him. Thankfully Sandy made that happen and I spent 6 weeks traveling back and forth to errrhmmmm hahahaha support my bff. (that is the most ridiculous thing ever by the way... I had nothing to give... zero.. I was just there) At the end of 6 weeks, everything came crashing down again, and after 3 years and 3 months I hit rock bottom with a full on splat! My weight was the highest ever, my darkness had closed in on everything, I didn't feel and I did not care. I did everything there was to do short of swallowing the pills or pulling the trigger. (Thankfully I still had enough heart left that I could not figure out who would the best one to find me)

What I am grateful for is that first Triple Threat Bootcamp and the friends that supported me through it, because without that little high, that massive crash in July would have ended in death without a doubt. That glimmer, that feeling, that I think I can saved me. In that pit I finally said ENOUGH!!!! I am NOT going to live like I am dying anymore! I heard over and over again in my head "What's your Why?" and what I said that one fateful day remains. "To live like I am living". And that is when I realized I had to get back home and back to my life on the OBX with my fitfam!

When Deanna left this Earth she did not take me with her and she has made it abundantly clear that while her body is gone she is very close. That she knows and has watched the sadness of her mama's heart. It is time for me to live on this plane... not in some lost dimension between life and death. While I do not believe that I will ever "get over" the loss of my girl, I do finally believe that "I will get through it".

Over the last two months I have posted a lot about bootcamp and personal training in regards to what I have been losing. 23.75 inches in case you missed it yesterday. What I want to talk about right now is what I have gained.

First and foremost I gained the confidence to tell the world that yes, I hit rock bottom.

I have gained friendships, oh my friends were there all the time, they never left me, I left them, I am rebuilding strong bonds with those that stood so patiently waiting for my return.

I have gained strength, not only to up my weights to 15lbers today but to get up each morning and try to make it the best day possible, even if that best day is a sad day, the strength is in knowing that it is a sad day, not a sad week, month, year, life. 

I gained courage to share all of my story, the good, the bad, the fat, the battles, the triumphs, the courage to post the most unflattering photos to show the gains in my journey to fitness and health.

The ability to finally ask my friends and coaches for the very specific help that I need. And they have answered in full force.

Wisdom, wisdom to not throw myself full force into work, the wisdom to know the balance between Yes I can work tonight and No I can't work 7 days a week. The wisdom to enjoy my jobs because I love them both and not work myself into a pit of nothingness.

Sight, I have gained the sight to see that my beautiful daughter would not want me to spend my years dying, but living. Living life to the fullest there is, breathing in every moment that she has missed for her, with her spirit in my heart and surrounding my every minute. The sight to reach out and see the Challenge placed in front of me and the ability to tightly grasp on to it forever.

The love to know that the why has become the challenge and that I challenge myself to each and every day love myself enough to Live like I am Living, not only for her, my parents, my boys, my friends, my family... but mostly... for me.

It's time to Own this shit Re... its all on right there waiting for you to take it.

Love and Peace Ya'll.
Re

PS I may have signed up for the great Spartan Trifecta Challenge of 2017 too...