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What do I want to be for Halloween..

10/28/2013

Ok the real question is what do I want to be for life, things changed and changed fast. I was content with my job, with my life, with how everything was. I was spending most every day working out somewhere for about an hour sometimes 4, in a gym, or bootcamp or something, I spent hours on upon hours. I was stronger physically than I am now, but I don't know about mentally, maybe I was because I did not see the hammer falling that would crush the life I knew, but if I was maybe I would have handled it better.

Now I am at a point that I have to make decisions, hard ones, for months I have done much of nothing other than catch up on some TV that I missed for the last 5 years, spent time with my best friend, work, and travel back and forth to VA, That is pretty much what life has consisted of and now it's time for me to break out of the cocoon I have been living in. I went back to bootcamp, went when I could, didn't push it because I know my body and unfortunately when one does not sleep well and they are full of anger then one does not perform so well at physical activities. I even waited for night camp thinking oh I can handle that no 430 am wake up call, but only issue there is that is right after work and the exhaustion does not just go away during the day. I know it sounds as if I am making excuses I am not, bare with me here and I will get to my point. I do happen to love bootcamp, I love our little night crew, I think we could be a great team, heck we ARE a great team and my plan is to be there as much as possible again, bootcamp is not my issue.. my issue is the time I am going to have to put in to train for a marathon in March. Am I even a runner anymore? Do I have hours on end to put into that kind of training and still follow my dreams even though they are new, don't have awesome bling at the end and have no idea how to begin other than with a keyboard?

God is not leading me to run, granted it isn't like he told me to stop either, but I can't write and run and that is where my passion is right now. Writing takes a lot of time, and effort, I know most of you are thinking "whatever she just throws her thoughts at us and calls it a day" Yes you are right some days are like that.. but it is still time consuming and honestly I wish I had time to make it much more time consuming, there are topics I want to write about that require research, there are topics that would require days of soul searching, I barely have time to write out my thoughts, now between work and church and bootcamp when I get there. It does not take much to exhaust my poor brain and body, I don't know if it is the meds or the depression but it happens and there is not a thing I can do about it. After writing or talking I am WIPED OUT... even worse than normal, and even when I say "Hey I will be at camp tonight!" something could happen between 4 and 5 that lands me knocked down. Depression is a wild animal and it is also another topic I want to write about from the living it side, not the clinical side, but to try to make others understand the thought of getting out, or coming over, or running 4 miles and doing site ups and burpees only further shove us in our pits and right now church is my priority it is getting me back on my feet, it is giving me faith not only in myself but in others, how do I find the strength for everything.

I don't want to just be the author of this blog, I want to see my name in print, on a book to help others, on a book to help angel mommies and angel friends. How do I do this when I have basically committed myself to 4 months of serious training that will take each free moment between running and working out. I am so torn.. so very very torn. I don't know what I want to be for life, or even the next four months, a princess or batman, but one thing is for sure, I have to make that choice fast.

Wishing you all a beautiful day and asking for any advice you have!!
Much Love
De's Mommy

3 Comments

Being Led

10/24/2013

4 Comments

For six months now I have closed myself off from the world, my friends, my family, and sometimes God, ok a lot of the time God. I allowed very few people in and God even less. It was not for a lack of wanting people or God in my life it was for the lack of worth I felt and having so much tragedy surround me that I could not help but think how can anything good come out of me being around. I did not allow others to be there for me, even when they desperately wanted to and I have struggled much more so than I probably needed to.

Today this blog post is about moving forward, where my life is going, and where this road that began with tragedy is leading me. Over the past few weeks I have heard quite a few things about myself, I am so strong, I am doing so well, I am starting to show glimpses of the old Re, there is a glimmer back in my eye, it is very hard for me to hear such things about myself because I don't always feel it, honestly, I very rarely feel it. I do however need to start listening to these people because they are also the sames ones that say "Girl... you ARE getting out of the house today" forcing me to shower or "Eat your dinner!" So I know they care about me and are very honest and aren't the kind of people to say those things just out of kindness, when they say them they mean them.

Recently I have thought in my head.. "Dear God WHY are you doing this to me, why me, what am I missing, where is it that I am to take this. I don't understand why you won't open the doors that I want opened so badly. I know you did not put this hurt and pain on me for amusement, my God does not do that. My God is a loving caring God who has a plan, but Dear God I don't see your plan. It is not clear." I don't have to talk out loud to God he hears my heart, even though sometimes I do write to him. See even to God I am not a talker, I am a writer. Also during the past few weeks I have also tried to fill my life with positive influences, reading the bible and other devotions, seeing people that clearly love me and make me feel alive and do you know what happened? When I started believing not only in myself but that God truly had an answer, I started hearing. I started seeing the messages that God was leaving me in a new light.

God has sent me message after message to get me through the bad days, to get me to this point, to get me to become stronger in his world, and now finally just recently I have started being led to where I am going, not just up out of the pit.

On Facebook the other day I saw the following update from Joel Olsten:

"We are responsible for helping and encouraging others, for guiding them further along, but we are not responsible for their choices. If they want to live unhappy, that’s their choice. Don’t allow them to bring you down with them."

As I laid down the other night my thoughts wandered to my writing, and where God is leading me. I am responsible for helping others and encouraging others, for guiding them further along. God is leading me to share my story, my life, my experiences with the world since the accident, in hopes of helping others. As may of you know my writing is raw and emotional, but I have been told I have a gift, that I don't write like any other, that when my words are read they feel what I am feeling. In the past that has not always been positive and most of you know that I have my share of obstacles and hurdles in this journey but if I can help one person understand their pain and to keep their eyes on God and not to sink so deeply in the pit that they contemplate suicide then my job is done and it is well worth it.

I will write about looking to positive influences and stories will be shared about love and support, I hope to spend my life letting people know they are NOT alone, and before anyone thinks that I am alone in my journey I am not, I am with God and thousands of other parents who have lost their children. Within minutes of posting in a forum in regards to topic I felt so alone about on this journey about 20 people posted "I thought I was the only one!" People do not like to share their pain, their hurt, they don't know how, they can't verbalize it, but one thing is for sure. I can write mine, and countless times I have heard, I feel the same way, thank you for putting that into words.

I am being led this way.. and last night I believe I heard God say "Re, I allowed these things to happen, I allowed you to see things that hurt you, I allowed these things because I knew you were strong and would make it through with the love and support of me, your true friends and family, I allowed these things so that through you I can help others not feel what you have felt. Go now.. write."

So for today, I am healing, I am writing, doesn't mean the damage hasn't been done, it means I will not longer allow the damage to control my life.

Much Love
De's Mommy

4 Comments

A beautiful tribute to a beautiful life.

10/23/2013

3 Comments

This past Saturday the First Annual Relay for Life Deanna Haywood Memorial Walk/Run 5k was held. (I was informed on Monday that I did not mention to any of those in the photo above that walking was involved or could be involved or allowed or that if they did Matt Costa would not jump out of the bushes at them, sorry guys oppsie.) While the week leading up to the event and Saturday morning were busy, hectic, busy, rainy, scary, did I mention busy, each and every second was well worth it to get to 4pm and see the people all together ready to walk or run in memory of De for such a great cause that meant so much to her.

I can not thank those that helped enough but I am going to try to start here, (please Lord do not let me forget a soul) her Relay Team: Anita (who didn't even know she had the gigantic job of keeping me calm and did a brilliant job), Shanen, Scott, Richie Carolyn, Todd, Debbie and Karen (I just looked at the website her team is huge this year.. So to all of you on Love to Sea a Cure I THANK YOU!!) who did all the leg work at home prior to the event, from gathering fruit, water, and button making, The people who volunteered on Saturday as I was shouting out orders (Poor Edgie) the water stations, Aunt Betty, who had her water ready to go when you got there at Station 2, Ed and Stephanie at Station 1 who apparently needed specific instructions and were yelled at when I got there, my traffic directors Dani, Shanen and Whitley who kept everyone right on course with no missing runners, Allison who punched the finisher yellow button for each and every runner even after I scared her to death about the paper being so short, Lisa who wrote down all the numbers, Larry who collected the tags and Aunt Ann who handed out finishers buttons! I can not forget those that donated items that were needed or made them at the last minute, Cameron and Kendall who made the amazing mile markers and turn around signs, YMCA who donated numbers and vest, Matt Costa of Runcations and Outer Banks Bootcamps who donated his wisdom, safety pins (yes I totally forgot safety pins until about 3 days before hand) and numbers, Theresa Ashberry who loaned me the time clock that needs batteries to work and the cookies oh all of the cookies! I am not even sure who all brought them there were so many so to all of my bakers they were soooo good. (oh and to my #2 man Mark who came through with a sip of cold.. well that doesn't matter.. at the end of his drive way as Daddy and I ran by). Amanda.. as always thank you for being right by my side from start to finish. I could not have done ANY OF THIS ALONE! Through your help and the Grace of God the event surpassed any of my thoughts of success!

(you know as soon as I hit publish I will remember at least 3 more people)

We had 38 participants, 43 signed up (I am so sorry you all did not make it Ms Vilot, Carol, Hunter, and Hayden.. Robert Jr has been in my prayers) and donations, at the end of the day the 5k raised $1075.00 to be placed directly in De's Relay for Life account. There were podiums like crazy, but having my Bud come in first in males while running in a pair of jeans, that was quite amazing. I could go on and on about how wonderful this event was not only for Relay but for my soul, God has blessed me with some wonderful friends and family! To each and every one of you that were there in body and spirit and thought I THANK YOU!!!! But major hugs and love go to the Bootcamp 8 who made a 6 plus hour trip on Saturday to be there and to ensure that my little boy got there safely. Oh who am I kidding.. the boy is HUGE. I hope each of you know how much you mean to me, and if you don't then please come ask I will be sure to tell you in the form of a huge hug!

We have already started planning the Second Annual Relay for Life Deanna Haywood Memorial 5k and the date will be October 18th next year, please mark your calendars!

There is no doubt in my mind that De was smiling down on Saturday telling anyone who would listen.. "Look.. Look.. THAT'S MY Family!! THOSE are MY Friends!!" I do believe we all made her proud.

Much Love to you All,
De's Mommy

3 Comments

What to do with the wolf...

10/15/2013

5 Comments

Isn't that the cutest wolf you ever did see?? Unfortunately when I typed the title of this blog all that popped in my head was "How does the Fox go".. Thank you Dustin Taylor for telling me about and Deanna Harris for reposting just yesterday for that lovely melody!

At church last night my God Friend Numero Uno Pastor Betsy shared a sermon on betrayal and Joseph. How Joseph had LITERALLY been thrown in a pit by his own brothers, betrayed to the point of his brothers plotting to killing him and on the insistence of one brother had his life spared but was instead sold as a slave. I did a bit of studying on this after getting home and due to his brothers decision Joseph didn't have a very happy ten years.. quite terrible actually, due to their choices Joseph was jailed, for no wrong doing where he stayed for three years and along with other injustices. Shorten story: God was with Joseph this whole time and brought him out of the pit, a ten year long pit, and launched him to being the second most powerful man in Egypt. Sometime after this the land fell into fathom, during this time Joseph's brothers had to come before him for grain, and for a few years Joseph played games with his brothers, having them prisoned a few days here a few days there, not allowing all the brothers to return to their father, eventually Joseph was going to keep the youngest son, but Judah spoke up and asked to take his place, so as not to break their father's heart. That broke Joseph's heart -- and he could no longer play games with them. He revealed himself to his brothers, and there was a tearful reunion. Joseph forgave his brothers for selling him into slavery, explaining that God had turned it around for good by making him able to save the family from the famine. He also told them that the famine would continue for another 2 years, so he had the whole family relocate to Egypt, where he could provide for them. When his father arrived in Egypt, he rushed to meet him and had a very tearful and happy reunion.

As you can see that after Joseph was betrayed to such a horrible degree, for simply being cocky, and the fathers favorite, he paid a price much higher than was deserved or warranted. Joseph had EVERY right to send his brothers away penniless and hungry, or had them jailed for years. Instead he gave the brothers their grain but always with them paying a price of another brother being jailed and not returned to their father, I am sure there were other games he played. My point here is that even with God at his side Joseph still reacted to the original betrayals of his brothers. This is a very human reaction. It took years for Joseph to understand that complete forgiveness was needed and then inviting the brothers to Egypt. The brothers conceded their hatred of Joseph as he became their provider during the times of fathom. It hit me though that it took the brothers NEEDING Joseph for their attitudes toward him to change. After they left Joseph NEEDING.. needing a hand after they threw him in a pit, needing saving after he was enslaved and jailed.. where were the brothers? They turned their backs on him, only coming back when they needed something. I have to say that Joseph is much stronger than I.

Don't get me wrong, I am strong enough to forgive, that is the only way to find peace in oneself is forgiveness (don't ask me when I will forgive MYSELF.. that isn't a point in this story it is about forgiving others for betrayals) but I am not Joseph, I am not that strong as you will soon read, I can forgive but I do not have to allow my brothers back into my territory right now, I do not have to provide for them right now. My pit requires all of my attention, I do not need to be repeatedly kicked back to the bottom as I work my way up by continous betrayals that cut like broken glass on already burned skin.

Betsy turned the story to an old Indian story of wolves, in looking for it online tonight I found another adaption that fits how I feel and I am going to throw in a donkey for good measure..

"An old Grandfather said to his grandson, who came to him with anger at a friend who had done him an injustice, "Let me tell you a story.

I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do.

But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times." He continued, "It is as if there are two wolves inside me. One is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him, and does not take offense when no offense was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way.

But the other wolf, ah! He is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger,for his anger will change nothing.

Sometimes, it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit."

The boy looked intently into his Grandfather's eyes and asked, "Which one wins, Grandfather?"

The Grandfather smiled and quietly said, "The one I feed."

I have thought about this.. I have also thought about the fact you can feed others wolves, when a wolf has no regard to being kind or loving to you, and you are expecting that and your wolf produces disappointment, sadness and anger.. the other persons wolf gobbles that up like a left over raw liver. Like a mini little win.. "Whoo my wolf is stronger than yours and I am going to continue to have your wolf feed me your emotions." There is just a small issue with my wolf, Joseph brothers threw my wolf in a pit 6 months ago, I am tired, beaten, broken and hungry. I don't have the energy to be any kind of good or bad wolf.. I have be relying on trusted wolves to toss me bits of love, to keep me sustained until God shows me the way out of here. But I have learned something while in this pit, the hands I thought would reach down the most to help me didn't.

I think of it like this.. my pit is really deep I understand that.. my pit is my depression, my sadness, there is no one but God that can get me out of this, this job is not for a human, but it does take human help to get up a little higher in the pit. It takes talking, crying, hugging, walking, watching movies, beside me in the pit. You can't reach down there and just yank me out.. it doesn't work that way. No amount of "Come to my house.. or Let's go do this.. " will get me out of this pit. I don't even have the luck to have a brother than can come along and sell me for slavery. But what does work is the people that come and toss love in my pit. Look out everyone here comes the donkey!

One day, a donkey fell into a pit. The animal cried and whined for hours while his owner tried to figure out what to do. Finally, the farmer decided that since the animal was old, and the pit needed to be covered up anyway, he'd just bury the old donkey right there. He got a shovel and started filling in the pit. The donkey kept up its wailing, but then fell silent. After an hour of furious shovelling, the farmer paused to rest. To his amazement, he saw his old donkey jump out of the pit and trot away!

At first, when the donkey realized what was happening, he cried even more piteously. But then the wise animal hit on a plan. As each spadeful of dirt hit his back, the donkey would shake it off and take a step up on the growing mound of earth. Eventually, the mound grow high enough for him to jump out of the pit.

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the pit well is to shake it off and take a step up. We can get out of the deepest pits by not stopping and never giving up. Just shake it off and take a step up.

Right now.. I am not strong enough to shake off the dirt.. it hits me in the face and gets in my eyes and I cry. The only steps I have been able to use in this pit is love.. the more love tossed in the higher I am coming out of the pit, but all it takes is one wolf to come by with words of betrayal and to scratch dirt back in my eyes and I fall to the bottom of the pit. So where am I going with all of this. There are options, from my pit I can continue feeding the bad wolf that comes around selfishly to gobble up my emotions of hurt, sorrow and disappointment, I can continue to allow the wolf to scratch dirt on me, I can have one of the good wolves put up a gate and not allow the bad wolf near my pit, or I can stand on my piles of love and as the bad wolf returns to kick dirt in my eye I can look at it eye to eye and say "You Will Not Defeat ME. Now leave. Leave me Alone."

As I wrote before, Joseph in the end of his journey did forgive his family and in turn took care of them during their time of great need, but that was years after God had molded him and mentored him to deal with his emotions, how to respond and how to react. I don't have the years with me yet, I may one day but that is not today, nor do I have the strength to fight any bad wolves, so for now right this minute I have to close my door and walk away. I have called out for specific doors to be opened many times since I have been in this pit looking for love, kindness and understanding and much like Joseph was met with betrayal, I will no longer be calling out to these doors and feeding that wolf with my betrayed emotions.

Where in your life might you need to walk away, not respond, or not react? Which wolf is running your life right now?
Are you the one in the pit right now? Do you need love thrown in? I'm your girl I have lots of it to give. Is there a wolf scratching at the edges of your pity .. look them in the eye and DEMAND they LEAVE.

My final thought is.. to the wolves that like to betray and kick a little dirt.. I pray I am as strong as Joseph when you fall in a pit. Notice I didn't say IF I said WHEN because don't we have many pits we fall in through out life? I pray at the time I will be able to invite you back into my territory to take care of you, but for now.. you are just forgiven.

Much Love to you All
De's Mommy

5 Comments

You may not make it through this blog post..

10/14/2013

6 Comments

Excerpt from Crazy Love by Francis Chan
Brooke Bronkowski was a beautiful fourteen year old girl who was in love with Jesus. When she was in Junior high she started a Bible study on her campus. She spent her babysitting money on Bibles so she could give them out to her unsaved friends. Youth pastors who heard about this brought her boxes of Bibles to give away.

Brooke wrote the following essay when she was about twelve; it will give you an idea of the kind of girl she was.

"Since I have My Life Before Me"
I'll live my life to the fullest. I'll be happy. I'll brighten up. I will be more joyful that I have ever been. I will be kind to others. I will loosen up. I will tell others about Christ. I will go on adventures and change the world. I will be bold and not change who I really am. I will have no troubles but instead help others with their troubles.

You see, I'll be one of those people who live to be history makers at a young age. Oh, I'll have moments, good and bad, but I will wipe away the bad and only remember the good. In fact that's all I remember just the good moments, nothing in between, just living my life to the fullest. I'll be one of those people who go somewhere with a mission, an awesome plan, a world-changing plan, and nothing will hold me back. I'll set an example for others, I will pray for direction.

I have my life before me. I will give others joy I have and God will give me more joy. I will do everything God tells me to do. I will follow the footsteps of God. I will do my best!!!

During her freshman year in high school, Brooke was in a car accident while driving to the movies. Her life on earth ended when she was just fourteen, but her impact didn't...

Remind you of anything? Of anyone? It did me. Yesterday morning my beautiful friend Theresa invited me to go to Sunday school, they had just started a new book. I hmmed and haaaed for a few minutes and had been so touched by the mornings "salty" sermon something said .. stay. I quickly texted a few people that would be worried if I didn't respond after church, because well we all know I have bad times and me disappearing for even a little bit would worry them and then I downloaded the book. Following everyone up to the room I was in aww the number of people in class, the last time I had attended it seemed I was in a room I didn't quite fit in, yesterday, it was just a feeling of peace, I even took a seat away from my beloved friends and protectors. (I am just now realizing that.. I just felt so "ok" I sat down in the first seat I saw). I opened the book on my phone hoping to skim a bit as we were talking; I had a few minutes as people said hello and had some random discussion. (I couldn't help but think about Chris Trusz during a discussion on doughnuts. I love ya my big doughnut!)

So here I sit skimming... Oh look a poem... oh wait an essay, either way I love those.. I started reading and the words were so powerful. So clear. (maybe I need to read stuff written by 12 year olds more often I get them) but as I finished up the essay and read the next words.. "Brooke was in a car accident while driving to the movies. Her life on earth ended" I thought my heart would stop. I thought the tears would fall.. I thought I would walk out... I thought I would throw up... I did none of those. I sat there in stunned silence, yes I heard silence. There was a classroom full of people.. I can't hear them, I still can't remember a word that was said. (Sorry Sunday School Class). I flipped through my bible.. just flipping pages.. back and forth.. forth and back.. finally landing on

Matthew 6:25-34New International Version (NIV)

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" 28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I didn't have to read it.. I knew what it said... it was my favorite verse and reminded me so much of De. Then I heard.. Mommy.. I had my life before me. I lived my life to the fullest. I was happy. I was bright. I was joyful. I was kind to others. I went on adventures. I was bold and never let anyone change who I was. I helped and hugged people when needed and even when they didn't. I had my moments good and bad.. but I only remember the good, nothing else. I went somewhere on a mission, with an awesome plan.. a world changing plan, nothing held me back. I went to Heaven Mommy. I did my BEST!! Now Mommy it is your turn, you have to make sure that my story is history making and world changing, Mommy it's your turn, go on adventures, be happy, be bright, Mommy it is your turn remember the good not the bad, only the good, Mommy it is your turn .. because you have your life before you. Do your best!

Tonight I went to church and during our time to exchange peace.. which I would like to respectfully rename officially to "Hug Time" I asked Theresa.. did you read that book before class?? She replied "Yes, I did really early and I forgot.. I felt like a butt after I invited you... " I told her no it was ok.. but the band had started up again and I do not think she heard me. So Theresa, my dear sweet friend, you were supposed to forget.. you were supposed to invite me to class. I was supposed to read the worlds of Brooke's love, I was supposed to hear my sweet angel telling me "Mommy.. It's ok. You have your life before you.. Live. Live for me.. Live with me. You will be with me before you know it for eternity in a wonderful wonderful place. Mommy, you may not make it to tomorrow.. LIVE TODAY with no worries of tomorrow."

Theresa.. you say that God speaks to Brant.. yesterday God spoke to you, and through you spoke to me. I love you my friend. Since leaving Sunday School yesterday I have been more at peace than I have been in six months, you gave me a beautiful beautiful gift.

So to all of you.. I ask you, to remember to Give. LIVE. Hug. De's been telling to me to do this all a long, I was just too hard headed and stubborn to hear her until I read the words from another angel.

Much Love to all
De's Mommy

6 Comments

SQUIRREL!

10/13/2013

4 Comments

Sometimes words are not enough to express gratitude. Sometimes my mind wanders as I am trying to get the thoughts out. Most of the time it is from one distraction or another. This happens when you have adult onset ADD or insanity, you have the ability to now decide which of those I happen to suffer from. A week from next Sunday it has been 6 months since the accident, in those 6 months I have closed my door, closed the blinds, stayed away from friends, family, events. I have allowed very few in, invited very few into my world, and gone out even less. Besides the grief of the accident that may ease but never go away, the depression is as I have explained debilitating. I think that is one of the things I have learned more than anything, Depression is a full fledged physical AND mental illness, believe me I wish I was still in the dark about that, but the empathy I can now have for others going through this is very powerful as well. I will do good things with this one day.

I woke up this morning, even after staying up until after 1, unassisted without an alarm in just enough time to get ready to go to church. This was unprompted by friends, family, God Friends... it was all... I would say me.. but no it was God. Today's sermon was about the salt and light, (Matthew 5:13-16) to be the pleasing salt and light in life. I am going to borrow a little bit of the Children's Sermon here I am sure Pastor Betsy won't mind, she is amazing like that. She purchased a jar of unsalted peanuts, I know YUCK RIGHT??? There is nothing pleasing about unsalted peanuts, they are very hard to swallow (at least for me). Pastor Betsy tried them, she didn't like them, her husband tried them, he didn't like them, she poured salt in there with them, only to find out that they were still unsalted peanuts, but now had salt in the bottom of the jar, she even tried to feed them to her poor father in law.. no go. No one liked that jar of unsalted peanuts, so she tossed them out. In the trash.. let them go. They had no salt or light in their jar. Me, I am a bit different, I would never have thrown that jar of peanuts away, it would have sat on my counter for months, years maybe and every time I ran out of salted peanuts, I would try to make the unsalted peanuts pleasing. One point here is I don't ever learn my lesson, the second point is always have a jar of salted peanuts around.

My blessings from God have been numerous and many, more than I can recount here. Unfortunately I have found when you have a jar of unsalted peanuts on your counter sometimes you find yourself not giving the salted ones that you are enjoying enough credit because even thought you try to keep them on hand sometimes you run out and the only thing left is that jar of unsalted and you try yet again to make yourself like them, or you grab them by accident even though you said you were going to never touch them again.. and still YUCK!

God has provided me many amazing strong beautiful women who have been here for me since that dreadful day, I am not discounting any of you, from Aunt Ann and her daily emails, to my mother who I can't see eye to eye on on a daily basis but when it gets nasty she tries to understand, to my God Friend, who I can't begin to express my love for, a sister in law who in just a few short weeks will be giving me a beautiful gift that only she could provide, a brand new baby nephew, but, right now I need to give some credit where it is due.

Amanda... she is my friend, my comfort, my confidant, my amazing glass of wine, my walk on the beach, my quiet, my laughter, my partner in crime, my biggest fan (after my daddy I would say), my cheering section, my tissue hander, my wrath watcher, my chef, my you really need a shower so I am telling you we are going out tonight during a weak moment because you have no energy to argue and I know it, so you will take one, my would you like to XYZ but if not we can stay in and ABC, my sure lets watch this B movie, wait this is stupid lets change it..

I can not count the number of nights she has been here, we have watched a bazillion shows, movies, read books, played skip bo, gone for walks with the puppies, she has watched me cry, heard me laugh, given me countless hours of comfort and not once have I asked her to. She is just here. She is here when I am having a good day, here when I am having a bad day, here when the house is half way straight or when it is a complete total disaster. I don't remember how many times she has been to Mathews with me, I don't keep count and the best thing is neither does she, not once has she asked me to do one thing for her, nothing. I can never repay her... not in twenty life times.

I met Amanda shortly after moving to OBX through Bootcamp and Knuckleup, seriously the first day I met her it felt I had known her forever and that has never changed. Since then we have run half marathons, we have participated in bootcamp, dance classes, kickboxing classes, long walks, road trips, we have sat in the rain on the beach and talked (see the pic above LOL)... the one thing I wish we had never done together was deal with De's accident. The moment she heard the news she had no thoughts of I need to pack, I need to take of the dogs, I need to do anything.. her only thought was "GET TO RE!". It takes a huge heart to not for one second think of what do "I" need to do for "me" so I can get there. Amanda has that heart. She is amazing and beautiful and kind, she is all kinds of goodness wrapped up in a soul that could only be sent to me by God.

She does have some faults, she isn't very good at Science when she is figuring the tip at dinner, she will accidentally fart, but then she does at least warn you she did it, she will laugh her butt off when you sneeze and accidentally fart, she is an amazing amazing chef so she will force you to over eat when she cooks, she spoils Banx to high heaven and when she is here I am invisible to him, she will yell SQUIRREL at the same exact time as you when running a race and spoil your element of surprise, she will laugh the whole way through a haunted trail, ok that isn't exactly a fault, but then you end up laughing all the way through too and isn't the point to be scared? She will also remind you that you are old enough to be her parents when arguing with your boyfriend, by screaming "MOM! DAD! Stop Fighting!!!" She will cause your Daddy to sit in his truck for an extra 10 minutes or so while he watches her run and dance around the yard with the puppy. Ok so these aren't "faults" they are things that make Amanda, Amanda and each and every one of them I love.

But above all she is the salt and light in my life, sent by God to be my angel on earth, Amanda YOU are my salted peanuts.
I don't say it enough my dear sweet friend... but I love you and I appreciate EVERY THING YOU DO!!!!

I hope you all have a blessed Sunday!
Much Love
De's Mommy

4 Comments

The good thing about crying before you get out of bed...

10/10/2013

2 Comments

De at 2 and a half lugging around a broken leg with a cast up to her hip.. was NOT going to stop her trick or treating as a bunny!

Is that your day can only go up from here. I have yet to figure out if the tremendous thunderstorm in OBX was caused by me or it caused my screaming. We may never know. I realize it takes kid gloves to deal with me these days, but many other people get this too.. but apparently some people that should know better than others don't, on the other side I need to realize that these people are always blunt and pretty hurtful in anything they say. I also need to realize that not once since the accident have I heard the words "How are you?" from this person. So seriously a text at 6:15 in the morning that led me to a crying jag for over an hour shouldn't be shocking right? The shocking part actually came when I didn't reply with "Well $#%@$#%#$%#@$#@%$#@#$#!" insert your own thoughts there, unfortunately, Drake caught that wrath, when he looked at me and said "You're crying again??" It went way down hill from there.. from accusations that it was my fault he didn't have shampoo and he wasn't taking another shower and using my shampoo or soap because they were made for girls. To him having on dirty clothes because he didn't bother to look for clean ones (yes he had clean ones no he didn't have his own shampoo but there was some in the house) to you aren't allowed to go to youth group because you are behaving badly and won't follow the rules.. to I hate you I hate it here everything is all your fault and you made me move here and I hate you for it and I am going to youth group no matter what you say and you can't stop me and get off your butt and go to the store and get the things I need. (PS he is right.. he is a foot taller than me and out weighs me by 50 lbs.. what exactly am I supposed to do with that???) It ended with me screaming while still crying.. THANK YOU FOR MAKING THIS MORNING EVEN BETTER KID! and walking out the door. I guess that got his attention because when I came back in he was in the shower with "the girlie soap and shampoo" and went and found clean clothes.

Yay what a wonderful morning. At that point I was just ready to hang it all up. Check out. Get in the car take the few dollars I have make a phone call so someone was here for Drake when he got home and disappear. I sat on the deck and thought.. who do I call.. where do I go.. How could one text message hurt so bad.. why did I even let it bother me.. did I even realize the tears were there with in seconds of opening it.. Keep in mind all of these thoughts are jumbled up on top of each other at the same time there is no seconds in between and some crisscross and my mind turns in to a madness of emotion and ... and well nothing but pure raw emotion where I just want to be gone. Yes I do realize how unrealistic these thoughts are. I also know that I just should start praying when something like this happens but I am still very firmly rooted in my "REALLY??? REALLY?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME YOU ARE GOING TO LET MORE BE THROWN AT ME???" stage. I get that.

So I just sat down and said forget it.. focus on something else. Then via Facebook I get .. a few vague messages that some people want to stop over for hugs... those are always welcome.. WAIT WAIT WAIT.. my house is a disaster, I am a disaster, I can't even find a bra, and .. WAIT GIVE ME 30 MINUTES! The Dog hasn't even been walked yet and I am still crying WAIT!!!! AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE MY BRA IS!

So I got up scrambled and at the very least picked up a few things and took a shower, found a bra.. not yesterday's so if anyone comes over and finds it.. sorry... and I managed to walk the dog. On the way out the driveway I took a sideways glance at the mail box and... sigh... May as well get the bills out that I am either going to forget to pay, or pay and forget I paid and pay again.. to my surprise no bills.. just a small package. Huh.. what's this?

Jesus Calling.

Right there in my mail box, from a beautiful friend.

As I walked the dog I was compelled to turn to today's page, yes I seriously read today's entry while walking the dog.

October 10th. (excerpt)

Trust me enough to let things happen without striving to predict or control them. Relax, and refresh yourself in the Light of My everlasting Love. My Love Light never dims, yet you are often unaware of radiant presence. Rather than fearing your inadequacy, rejoice in My abundant supply. Train your mind to seek My help continually, even when you feel confident to handle something by yourself.

In light of the little incident this morning and the looming Dr appointment this afternoon, I think today's passage was very fitting and was Jesus calling to say.. Hey Chick... yup it's a bad morning you want to know who to call.. you didn't call anyone so I am calling you.

As I sat down and began writing this my phone chimed indicating I had an email.. quick glance, Aunt Ann. Ok, I think I will read that as soon as I am done here. Hmmm... naw maybe I should read it. Again.. "knock knock knock.. you can ignore me if you want. I am still here.. I see what is happening around you. Do not doubt me and my love."

TODAY’S WORD from Joel and Victoria
When we have rock-solid faith, we won’t be moved by what’s happening around us. We have peace in our hearts and minds because our hope is in God. We have an attitude that says: “I’m not moved by this medical report. I respect and honor people that are trying to help me, but I know God can do what medical science cannot do. God made my body.” “I’m not moved by the economy, the stock market, my job situation. I know God supplies all of my needs. He promised He would prosper me even in a recession.” “I’m not moved by how my children are acting. I’m not stressed out because they’re off course, making poor choices. I know it’s only a matter of time. As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”

I am not going to sit here and promise you that I stopped crying, that my feelings aren't still hurt, but I am being led on a path to trust that others reactions or actions are not my fault and I have no control over them. I am being led to believe that I can wonder all I want about who to call and how.. I didn't have to He already heard me. I am being led to believe that the people who love me will continue to love me even though my house isn't clean, there are dishes in the sink (yes I am in horror even typing that) and my kid used "girlie soap". I will get there.. the words are getting through.. the calls are non stop.

I know this is probably a rambling mess.. but I am a rambling mess today. In the end it boils down to I need to have the determination that a little tiny 2 year old De had to not let anything hold her back from moving forward, not a hurtful text, not an argument with Drake, not a bad Dr report.... I need to keep moving forward.

Much Love to you All,
De's Mommy

2 Comments

On the flip side of that.. an Outer Banks Bootcamps Story

10/9/2013

3 Comments

You see that smile? It was a frequent sight... it had sound. It was her laugh. Her laugh was quite unique too. If you heard her in a store of people you knew it was her. You see that band on her arm? Outer Banks Bootcamp graduation band, first round. Now look at the smile again. That is what it fells like. She finished her first camp. Imagine her laughing. The accomplishment it makes you feel that way. The beating your mother to the finish line in a sprint after said mother went back on the track to get you makes you laugh that way. That is why not being in bootcamp right now makes me feel so bad. It is a direct link to how good it makes you feel.

I know I can hear you... "then go back". It's not so simple. Among other things it is one of the things I have tried, I did go back. I had a great team, the Anglerfish. Every single one on the team was amazing in different ways, and the coach I couldn't have hand picked which coach I ended up with better. Todd, I know I haven't said it but thank you. Your kindness, even when laughing because I am hacking up a lung was needed, I would not have completed the few nights I did without it. My team, the encouragement through smiles, words, silent pats on the back, got me from 5:30 to 6:45 each night. (I know you are still questioning why I am still not there.. I am getting there hang on) Each night I completed, I felt ... not much of anything. I knew I was supposed to feel like (look above again) that. I didn't. I would fake a woohoo at the end, get in my car and either beat on the steering wheel or just cry. Not to mention two weeks in I got a lovely virus that had me leaving a trail of hacked up stuff where ever I tried to get to. So now on top of what I am going to explain I had a virus that decided to land me on my butt.

I began bootcamp in March of 2012, it was a tough rainy 40 degree day and by the time we were done we had run over 5 miles. The day before that the farthest I had run in my life was a minute. A MINUTE. I stopped and walked some but not much, it wasn't really smiled upon to walk. I did the best I could and for 5 weeks I went every camp, every run, every training until at the end of those weeks I ran a half marathon. No walking. It was in complete rain and my foot was half rotted off by this point due to a nasty nasty blister but I started running and I finished running.. Look above again.. that smile that is how it felt. Do you know how defeating it is to ones mental state that I can't run a mile right now. The physical pain in my joints, my feet, my body, my head, caused by running is quite unbearable. It isn't pain from the actual run... it's the pain of depression. It gets in your head, your joints, your muscles, the arches of your feet. It does that while typing this blog, it does that while watching a movie. Think back to the worst flu you have had that ache.. that body pain where your eye balls want to pop out and your teeth hurt. Depression does that. I didn't know that, I remember thinking.. dude your depressed watch a funny movie.. get over it. Ha. Guess what it does not work. When compounded with a traumatic loss you can't stop the physical pain or the sadness, it is insane. Ok maybe I am the thing that is insane but I think you are getting my point. In just a few short weeks... I started dreading going hours before.. then all day before... then the night before.. it kept growing. No matter how many times I tried to tell myself no no no you will be fine you have to go to get better. I wasn't even finding the glimmer of that smile above. When I would be there, the only focus I had was, I am not even able to run a mile, I can't do 40 situps in 2 minutes, I can't do a regular push up anymore, box jump.. I was back to being terrified again, leaving me in yet worse despair. So after some talking, to the talking Dr, my God Friend, other friends and family, it has been figured I went back too soon. My body and my brain were not ready, I was pushing an already physically and mentally exhausted body from just doing the day to day activities to run, when there was no gas in the tank. Doesn't work so well, have you tried to drive your car 30 miles with no gas? The car gets mad and cuts off and says nope I am not going any further.. and it doesn't. Believe it or not your body works the say way. Now.. that we have out of the way why I am not there.. why the decision has been made to wait .. again.. I am not saying never I am saying I am not able right now.. let's talk about why it affects me the way it does and why it makes me so angry at myself. I NEED that feeling back, probably more now than ever, it's just not happening.

Let me tell you what Bootcamp gave me and is still giving, and will continue to give for the rest of my life. A network. A support Group. A Best friend. Coaches who support me. Not even the feelings of inadequacy and failure I have in my self right now can take that way from me. If it had not been for Bootcamp I would have never met, Amanda, who you all know has been by my side since the accident, day and night. If it had not been for Bootcamp, I would not have met so many friends who are still standing by just waiting for me to say.. come now.. come see me.. I miss you.. I am ready.. I would list you all but the page would be so full.. but to name a few.. Melinda, Nikki, Amanda, Kami, Amy, Lisa, Sandy, Mellissa, Christine, Mike, Cory, Mike, Betsy, Theresa, Doug and Brant.. the list goes on and on I can't finish it but those are names that come to mind as I am typing. I have Chris.. who can brighten my day with a single text.. weather it be to or from.. Love you my stupid @#$#@$# donut. It gave me Christina who has been a special friend to me, supporting me, understanding, and talking to me about things that I just can't seem to talk to others about, even at times pointing out in words how I am feeling when I can't verbalize it.

It gave me pride in myself and in De. The camps she did while she was here with me, she did on her own. She did the work she completed them, I was so incredibly proud of her. Yet another thing that can never be taken away from me.

Bootcamp made me realize that I CAN accomplish things, maybe not right this minute, but I CAN. I can run a half marathon.. technically I can run six (at least I think that is what it is up to now) I can start something and finish it. I can be proud of myself. Those are things that Matt Costa and his team of coaches instilled in my hard head while I was out there running… even if it was really slow. Those are the things that my teams mates gave me with encouraging words. That I CAN do these things. There is no doubt I will do them yet again. When the time is right.

But the best thing that I got from Bootcamp was a family in OBX. As you all know the only actual family I have here is my Sisper Phyllis, I have a wonderful large family back in VA. They are supportive and love me and understand me (ok they try to) but here... I had one physical being and right now I am way too much sadness and ickiness for one person to handle so putting that all on her would have been a massive tragedy! But because of bootcamp I haven't had to.. I know I have an entire network of people I can call. One phone call and I bet three people would show up on my door and not say one word about my dirty house or the fact I am still in my pajamas right now... even in this nasty rain. If that ain't family I don't know what is!

So you see my disappointment and feelings are inadequacy and failure about bootcamp are completely because I do not feel the POSITIVE of it.. I don't feel the utter joy.. I don't feel the accomplishment. RIGHT NOW. It has nothing to do with bootcamp and everything with my depression, mental state and how it is manifesting itself physically. However! This chick remembers those feelings of accomplishment, love, support, pride and I will be back. I will make it there again.. I will run another half marathon. It may not be today.. or tomorrow.. or next month but IT WILL HAPPEN. So thank you Outer Banks Bootcamps and Matt Costa for providing me with love, support, friends and family that will last a lifetime.

Much Love to you all!
De's Mommy

3 Comments

All over the place!

10/8/2013

6 Comments

De was 10 months old in this pic... she weighed all of about 16 pounds and had been walking for 2 months at that point. I have never seen a child with so much determination to move, to get from point a to b in the quickest way possible. She didn't want a darn thing to hold her back or help her for that matter. She was going to do it on her own, and heaven forbid you didn't do it HER way there would be the wrath of De to deal with. I guess she got a little bit of that from me.. wanting to get from point a to b the fastest way possible, skipping important steps of healing (no I don't know what those steps are yet), but it is all too evident that for some reason I just want to be better, yesterday. I don't know if I even want to be the old me FOR ME.. but for all the the people who just want me back. The people I hurt with my sadness, the people I disappoint with my inability to mentally handle bootcamp, the shame I feel when I get called a quitter by people. At this moment in time I am not the old Re.. I don't know when and if I ever will be. I don't even know if I even like the old Re much anymore. I am not even sure who that chick was.. did she lead, did she follow, what exactly did she do?

I know I didn't turn everything over to God, I always believed in something bigger than me, something of a higher power, but something I couldn't explain, was it God, was it Jesus, was it just my brain playing tricks on me? I don't know. I still don't know. I just know that living this way, the way I am right now stinks. I hurt more people that I help.. I get told that this isn't fair to the people that have to "deal" with me. That my sadness brings those closest to me down and they want to come running when they read my words of despair or they don't want to deal with me at all when I am upset because they are sick of it. Well guess what I am sick of it. I am sick to death of feeling ashamed, inadequate, sad, angry, different. The bottom line is my daughter is dead, it wasn't just an accident, she's not in a hospital sick and hurt and fighting to get better, it isn't that she is out and about doing something and just not coming home until she is ready, she is gone, she is not coming back. I know in order to get through this I need, have to, must turn all of this over to God and if I don't it will end up consuming me, eating me alive from my heart out, but I also don't feel I have a right to turn this over yet. That I need to feel this hurt, that I need to feel this pain, there has to be a reason for it, my punishment for being the worlds crappiest mom, for not protecting her when she needed it because I thought her living her own life was what she needed. I need to hurt like this I need to feel the pain of what she must have felt when she thought I turned my back on her. I don't know if she knows that I did the things I did out of love, that I was trying to protect her.. I have been told she has no regrets and for that I am happy. I have been told where she is she doesn't want to come back, that it is beautiful and peaceful and full of love. I need to believe these things.. they are one of the only things that keeps me going.

I have tried different things to get better, bootcamp, reading, tried to make plans, say every day I am going to sleep in my bed, at all of it I have been an utter failure. If I hear one more time.. "yea you keep trying but then you quit.. I want to see improvement" I think going to just lose it. I stop because it hurts, because it does not feel right, it's not the right place for me right now. I don't know if it is because I made that such a big part of my life before that I ignored other things, or if it is because De did it with me and now never will, I don't know if it is because it physically hurts, or if it is totally emotional pain. I just don't know. But nothing I have done, nothing I am doing, feels right. The whole world feels wrong wrong wrong. I wasn't the one that brought everyone down.. I was the one that did the stupid stuff to make them laugh.. I was the one with a quick word of encouragement. Now I am the one that people are saying "stop feeling sorry for yourself" "go do something worth while" and "go try to make your life better". I WOULD LOVE TO!!!! BELIEVE ME. It takes every ounce of energy I have to even want to breathe and you want me to go make some life altering happiness in your world, in someone elses world?? What exactly is it that you WANT me to do! Yes I am angry.. I am angry at the world, why.. because she won't be coming back. Do I think God DID this TO me.. no not particularly but I don't think he tried to stop it either. So no.. I don't feel comfortable enough to hand everything over.. to have the faith that here you go.. here is the the rest of me.. here take what I have left because there isn't much there.. lets see what you can work on that. I believe in God. I am not saying I don't. I am not saying I won't have full faith again.. I am not saying I don't have full faith right now. I am saying I am mad, no one said I couldn't be mad at God. Jesus got mad at God in case you were wondering and heavens knows I am not Jesus. Not one .. but two of my babies.. gone.. and I am supposed to trust God with what I have left. Let's just put this in real world terms.. I have 5 quarters.. I give you two to hold for me to take care of, to help build into beautiful beings, yet you took both of the quarters and threw them off a bridge, would you expect me to give you the other three quarters to hold?? No.. and if I did it to you .. you would probably punch me in the face... especially if those 5 quarters are all you have in the world.

Some days I am lucky to put on my clothes, I see it as an accomplishment. I still work a 40 hour week job, and not screwing up too badly, accomplishment. Drake isn't starving to death, accomplishment. I get off the sofa every day, accomplishment. I write, accomplishment. But if I am not working on getting back to who I used to be.. I am failing. Why can't anyone .. the most important ones see these tiny things for what they are. accomplishments. Instead.. I feel like a failure.. that nearly 6 months later I am no better. That running doesn't matter to me... running who gives a flying crap about a medal.. what good does it do for me to start at one place and end in another if mentally it does NOTHING to make this better. What good does bootcamp do if I leave feeling like I wasted my time and everyone's around me because they were waiting on me? I was told last night that I gave up on everything that I used to love to do. That I gave up running, bootcamp, going out, being social.. I gave them up. No.. I didn't give anything up.. my world was slammed into a wall and shattered into a million shards of glass that I have to pick up a tiny piece at at time and every time I try to pick some things back up they cut me so deep I do nothing but bleed. Running.. it hurts.. physically and emotionally.. I don't know why, maybe one day I will figure that out. Bootcamp, through NO FAULT of the coaches or many of the other members, a handful of people tainted the pool for me, and yes I am reminded of the words that were said each time I put on my shirt. Those of you that did that.. thank you.. much appreciated. Yea I forgive you.. but I will never forget your immature stupidity and the fact that you did what you did. I think about it every time I would show up, and yes I do have a fear of running into either one of you. Not because I am scared of you but because I am scared of my reaction to you. Going out and being social.. no thank you.. the words that people have said about me, and behind my back always find a way back to me. I have no desire to subject myself to whispers behind my back, believe me it is rather hard for me to act like I don't know what has been said when around these people too. I think I am better off here in my cave far far away from everyone. Church, yes I still love going to church, but crying through the entire service, every song, every topic, getting mad because some man stood up and said "this isn't a grief support group it's a group for people who have lost spouses" oh isn't that special, I am sorry this man lost his wife, I know that had to be very hard, I know he is in grief.. but it took everything in me not to stand up and scream YOU WERE MARRIED TO HER LONGER THAN DEANNA WAS ALIVE! Yet people tell me to get over it.. I should be institutionalized because I am no better. Maybe I should be.

Another mother who lost her daughter just days before De posted this today:
"That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily that it's impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key." -Elizabeth Wurtzel
It's the truth... depression will completely totally destroy a person. I always thought I was stronger than this. That I would never let a mental disease or defect (I watch too much court tv) over take me, weather it be by tragedy or genetics. I was just stronger willed than that. I was never going to be the chick that called my Daddy crying when he asked why.. all I can say is I don't know. Because I don't know anymore.. I just cry, there doesn't have to be a reason. There doesn't have to be a trigger.. I just cry. I don't cry every day. Accomplishment. I am either tired all the time, and want to sleep, or I am wide awake and can't. 4 hours of sleep in a row. Accomplishment. I was told that I needed to be on more meds. More meds I will be a zombie, no thanks. I will fight this some how, I know what to do, I just have to be ready to do it myself.

Don't freak out.. I am not talking about anything stupid here. I am talking about turning it all over to God, I just need to trust God again. I don't trust the people that hurt me.. how am I supposed to trust God. He didn't stop this hurt before it happened 3 and a half years ago.. he didn't stop this hurt when it happened again almost 6 months ago, I have to learn to trust God again. I don't know what that will take, I don't know how long it will take, or where to start, but I will.

As I was writing this today, my very special Aunt who has held me together in so many ways for so many years sent another email. I get the same emails but only read them when she sends them because 1. she puts awesome notes in them 2. they mean more to me 3. I don't have time to read every one of them that come in on that weird folder in gmail now. 4. I know she is going to send me exactly what God wants me to hear, she is good like that. I am including the email here...

Nothing is impossible with God! and He is letting you know that.Praying your day is brighter.Love,Aunt Ann

TODAY’S SCRIPTURE
“Jesus looked at them and said, ‘With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.’ ” (Matthew 19:26, NIV)

TODAY’S WORD from Joel and Victoria
Too many times we limit God with our thinking. God puts big dreams in our hearts, but in our eyes they look impossible and too big to accomplish. Although we want to see our dreams come to pass, we end up focusing on the mountain of obstacles before us. Maybe you dream of starting a business but you don’t know where to begin. Perhaps years of physical challenges have left you feeling like you’ll never be healthy. You look at your situation and begin to wonder how, and if, God will ever bring your dreams to pass.

Be encouraged today that God can do the impossible. He can supernaturally make all of the dreams He’s planted inside of you come to pass. What are you focusing on today? Your situation may seem impossible, but God sees it differently. See your dreams through eyes of faith the way God sees them fulfilled.

Make room in your thinking today for the dreams God has for you. If things look hopeless in the natural, put your confidence in the promises God gave you. Trust in Him to make all things possible for you. As you do, you’ll begin to see your dreams come to pass in ways you never imagined.

A PRAYER FOR TODAY
Lord, I give my situation over to You today knowing with You all things are possible. All of my hopes and dreams are in Your hands, and I will no longer limit You in my thinking. I choose to see my dreams through eyes of faith and believe they will come to pass. Thank You for working supernaturally on my behalf. In Jesus’ Name. Amen

Again at the same time my dear friend who I feel I have let down tremendously about bootcamp sent me the following:

When your ready, HE'S READY. Until you are 100% ready to truly say, " God take this pain, take this hurt, take this inability to move forward away me, " you are going to struggle. None of us are that strong. Not one of us could handle what you have gone through. And everyone that has ever attempted to, failed in some way, shape, fashion, or form. When YOU want to move on, ( that is not forgetting ) God is ready to CARRY you every step of the way. I am always concerned that when you read something like this, your thoughts are, " who are you to tell me when to move on. " I'm nobody. I'm just a friend that loves you and like many others, hurts for you everyday. And even though I read many well intended remarks, friends and family that absolutely have your best interest at heart comments, I know none of us can bring you peace. We are like little bandaids. You know how after a day or two, they get all messed up and have to be replaced. Again, has a purpose, just not very long in sustaining. God's love, God's peace, God's courage and strength, God’s comforting hands are the only TRUE long term sustainable elements that are available to us. BUT, we have to let Him in, 100%, not half step, not just give him as much as we are comfortable with, not just enough so that we can still feel in control, ALL OF IT!!! You've heard the BC coaches say that when you get out of the " comfort circle " thats where the " magic happens. " Well, when YOU decide to truly get on your knees and cry out, " God, this is unbearable, I can't move on, please Lord, I need you to heal my heart, " Anne Marie, that's when the real " MAGIC WILL HAPPEN!!!) I am here for you all day, EVERYDAY! I'm always here for you sweetie. And when you want to pray that prayer....... CALL ME!

You know what this all says to me, that even in my moments of sheer madness, my anger, my hurt, that even if I am not praying and singing out or crying out to God. He still hears me. Just waiting for me to be ready, while that may not be this moment, while that may not be today, it may not even be next week. There is a light at the end of this tunnel even if I can't see it through the fog, and HE is letting me know it at every turn. (So Aunt Ann.. it's ok.. I hear Him.. I will get there). It's funny really.. how I can be sitting here writing this, not trusting myself or anything else in the world, or even God and before I even hit Publish, I get the message, "it's ok you don't have to but I am still right here."

Ok that is enough to ponder on today.
Much Love
De's Mommy

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Losing sight of the path...

10/7/2013

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If you sit here and look at this picture long enough the road just disappears.. gone.. there is nothing at the end and no farther you can go. I suppose that is an illusion but that is also the illusion in my mind. I have lost site of the path, the trail, the road, that tracks, everything.. I took a hard left turn and ended up in the middle of that beautiful woods over there. Yes it is a beautiful place and I am fine here. I would just as soon stay here I think, not much can hurt you when you are here. Nothing can really get to you.

There is just a few small issues with this, nothing gets done, nor is there a desire to do anything. Just like this photograph, pretty isn't it? I took it. I took it what seems like a life time ago, with a camera I refuse to touch. My house, the one that 99.9% of the time everything was put away, yea give me an hour before you come over so I can make that illusion happen a bit. My diet, ha.. that is hysterical, why.. because I eat what is here, now ask me what is here. No don't cause I can't tell you cause even though I went to the store on Saturday, I don't remember what I bought but a thing of Hot Dog buns. I am not sure that I even bought the hot dogs. Exercise, what's that, other than another thing that hurts, physically, mentally, emotionally. Not only am I physically frustrated at bootcamp because I am no better than the day I started a year and half ago, my legs won't go faster, my arms can't lift my weight, and lord knows I don't have the nerve to box jump on a bench anymore, on top of all that crap I ended up with a cold that wouldn't let go, so instead I ended up missing 3 more nights and a half marathon. One more thing I have started and didn't finish. Emotionally and mentally it beats me down, why, because I was better than this. I could actually run 13.1 miles, at the moment I have an issue with 1. I can't run 1 @$%#%$#@$#$##@%$@## mile. I can't take a picture, I can't run a mile, I can't go to a get together, I can't clean my house, I can't get to the grocery store or even get the list together to eat right, I can't get myself together to make finisher medals for De's 5k. That's right I said can't, because right now it is the truth. That doesn't mean it has to be a reality forever, but for today that is the truth. I completely HATE where I am but LOVE it enough that I can't break through the brush and bramble that holds me here.

Things I took pride in mean nothing, things I said I would never do, I am doing. I am that mom... the one that can't get passed this, the one that is refusing to believe this and if I just stay home and read this book, or watch this show.. what is out there isn't true. It isn't real. She is just out.. at work.. in Mathews. No I don't want to go to your play, not because I don't love you, but because drama was a huge part of what she loved, but I have never missed a play how do I not go, I don't want to go to your Halloween party, she loved Halloween, I don't want to come over for football, she would have been there cheering for whatever team just because she could.

My life, my whole life is stuck in these walls, in my Daddy's walls, in Ed's walls, there is no where else I am comfortable or want to be. My safety resides in those places, they keep me safe even if sad.The beach, it means nothing to me, yay it's beautiful, so what. I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world yet it is pure darkness and nothingness. Who cares that we have extra beautiful days of summer, she isn't here to enjoy them why should I, how can I? I used to go to the gym, dance classes, kickboxing, weight lifting.. I don't even think I have a membership anywhere anymore. I don't even know where to turn for help.. do I need help? This working out stuff, painful stuff, emotional mental I can't keep up stuff, what am I gaining but pain stuff, how is this even helping?? At one point I was a motivator, I offered my words to others to keep them going, it's all a farce, who I am I encourage anymore when I didn't bother to get dressed yesterday. I walked the dog in my pajamas and watched Breaking Bad all day... thinking to myself as disgusting as those meth heads look I wouldn't mind escaping for a little while. (don't worry that blue stuff doesn't exist and I have no desire to snort anything with draino in it so we are good.)

I know that many people are going to tell me to turn to God... and I do have some faith that at some point I will make it out of this woods at some point, that some path will appear before me that I am just not seeing, but I hear the words God only helps those who help themselves. I am not sure I am much of a help to anyone not even the dog.

I still don't know who I am, I am not much of anything, I am nothing like I was, there is no determination in my world. There is no GO ANYWAY.. GET OUT THERE AND JUST DO IT.. trust me on Tuesday mornings when that clock when off at 430 am I didn't want to get up and go, but I did and I enjoyed it. Now I don't even go until 530 pm and I dread it all day and the whole time I am there I simply hate myself. I don't know why I stopped working out. I don't know why I didn't put my energy there. I don't even know where I put my energy, it's gone. I am exhausted all the time... if I could just sleep and stay that way for a month.. maybe I wouldn't feel so tired. Maybe running a mile wouldn't hurt so bad, maybe going out for just one beer with my friends wouldn't be an ordeal, maybe accepting an invitation wouldn't seem like a chore that needs an excuse to get out of.

Where I am? Who am I? I am not out working out.. I am not out with my friends.. I am not out taking photos.. I am just lost.
And if you think that emotional mental pain can't manifest itself physically I wish I could make you feel my joints, my muscles, my head. There is no hand book for this, no this is what you need to do today, this will help you tomorrow, next week you will feel this. It is a roller coaster of ups and downs of today's I am going to try but when it fails, tomorrow I am going to hide. I hate that what life I have is passing me by in glimpses of nothingness because there is absolutely nothing I have done to be proud of. What is there for me to proud of.. Hey I watched 3 seasons of Breaking Bad in 4 days.. yea.. happy some about that. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME... WHERE IS THE PATH OUT... I thought I was ready to go back.. that bootcamp would help but the whole time I just want to sit down, cry, hit something, throw something, scream, until all this anger is just gone. Instead I just run the best I can, stop and cough up a lung every now and then and pretend to be proud when it is done, but get in my car with the utter horror of I let myself go all the way back where I was, if not worse.

Drake walked in the living room dressed for school, in sweat pants, I said Dude.. why don't you find a pair of pants or shorts (now granted he isn't going to look very hard) but he very nasty replied to me.. I can't find any. Why can't he find any.. there are none tucked safely in his closet or his dresser. Or in his room any where... why you may wonder. Are they dirty.. nope not dirty all cleaned I do laundry on Thursday's they are clean. Are they not folded, no they are folded I try to do that as I take them out of the dryer.. then what.. why can't he find his clothes. Because there are two baskets full over clothes, one from last week, one from the week before and let's not talk about the clothes that are all over the bed.. simply because I can't manage to stand there and hang them. To put them away.. who cares. What does it even matter? Who ever thought hanging up clothes was a good idea. I am sure my mother will be horrified to read this, to know I haven't managed to sweep the floor or vacuum in .. hell I don't know it's been awhile. THIS IS NOT ME! I want my house clean, I want my things put away, I just CAN'T. How pathetic is the woman who can't manage to put her underwear in the drawer it belongs. Something so simple.. takes moments.. but walking down the hall to even think about it.. and forget it whats the point.

In the days after the accident there were so many people right there.. what can I do.. how can I help you.. when I had no voice when I had no answers, all I could muster was send good thoughts, pray. Almost 6 months later, most of those people are gone and I still have no voice no answers... other than send good thoughts and pray. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to crawl out of this hole. I ask you today, hug someone you think needs it, even if they may not know it.. You don't know who's tears you are drying by a simple act of love and kindness.

Much Love
De's Mommy

12 Comments

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All over the place!

Losing sight of the path...

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