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Losing sight of the path...

10/7/2013

12 Comments

 
Picture
If you sit here and look at this picture long enough the road just disappears.. gone.. there is nothing at the end and no farther you can go. I suppose that is an illusion but that is also the illusion in my mind. I have lost site of the path, the trail, the road, that tracks, everything.. I took a hard left turn and ended up in the middle of that beautiful woods over there. Yes it is a beautiful place and I am fine here. I would just as soon stay here I think, not much can hurt you when you are here. Nothing can really get to you.

There is just a few small issues with this, nothing gets done, nor is there a desire to do anything. Just like this photograph, pretty isn't it? I took it. I took it what seems like a life time ago, with a camera I refuse to touch. My house, the one that 99.9% of the time everything was put away, yea give me an hour before you come over so I can make that illusion happen a bit. My diet, ha.. that is hysterical, why.. because I eat what is here, now ask me what is here. No don't cause I can't tell you cause even though I went to the store on Saturday, I don't remember what I bought but a thing of Hot Dog buns. I am not sure that I even bought the hot dogs. Exercise, what's that, other than another thing that hurts, physically, mentally, emotionally. Not only am I physically frustrated at bootcamp because I am no better than the day I started a year and half ago, my legs won't go faster, my arms can't lift my weight, and lord knows I don't have the nerve to box jump on a bench anymore, on top of all that crap I ended up with a cold that wouldn't let go, so instead I ended up missing 3 more nights and a half marathon. One more thing I have started and didn't finish. Emotionally and mentally it beats me down, why, because I was better than this. I could actually run 13.1 miles, at the moment I have an issue with 1. I can't run 1 @$%#%$#@$#$##@%$@## mile. I can't take a picture, I can't run a mile, I can't go to a get together, I can't clean my house, I can't get to the grocery store or even get the list together to eat right, I can't get myself together to make finisher medals for De's 5k.  That's right I said can't, because right now it is the truth. That doesn't mean it has to be a reality forever, but for today that is the truth.  I completely HATE where I am but LOVE it enough that I can't break through the brush and bramble that holds me here.

Things I took pride in mean nothing, things I said I would never do, I am doing. I am that mom... the one that can't get passed this, the one that is refusing to believe this and if I just stay home and read this book, or watch this show.. what is out there isn't true. It isn't real. She is just out.. at work.. in Mathews. No I don't want to go to your play, not because I don't love you, but because drama was a huge part of what she loved, but I have never missed a play how do I not go, I don't want to go to your Halloween party, she loved Halloween, I don't want to come over for football, she would have been there cheering for whatever team just because she could.

My life, my whole life is stuck in these walls, in my Daddy's walls, in Ed's walls, there is no where else I am comfortable or want to be. My safety resides in those places, they keep me safe even if sad.The beach, it means nothing to me, yay it's beautiful, so what. I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world yet it is pure darkness and nothingness. Who cares that we have extra beautiful days of summer, she isn't here to enjoy them why should I, how can I? I used to go to the gym, dance classes, kickboxing, weight lifting.. I don't even think I have a membership anywhere anymore. I don't even know where to turn for help.. do I need help? This working out stuff, painful stuff, emotional mental I can't keep up stuff, what am I gaining but pain stuff, how is this even helping?? At one point I was a motivator, I offered my words to others to keep them going, it's all a farce, who I am I encourage anymore when I didn't bother to get dressed yesterday. I walked the dog in my pajamas and watched Breaking Bad all day... thinking to myself as disgusting as those meth heads look I wouldn't mind escaping for a little while. (don't worry that blue stuff doesn't exist and I have no desire to snort anything with draino in it so we are good.)

I know that many people are going to tell me to turn to God... and I do have some faith that at some point I will make it out of this woods at some point, that some path will appear before me that I am just not seeing, but I hear the words God only helps those who help themselves. I am not sure I am much of a help to anyone not even the dog.

I still don't know who I am, I am not much of anything, I am nothing like I was, there is no determination in my world. There is no GO ANYWAY.. GET OUT THERE AND JUST DO IT.. trust me on Tuesday mornings when that clock when off at 430 am I didn't want to get up and go, but I did and I enjoyed it. Now I don't even go until 530 pm and I dread it all day and the whole time I am there I simply hate myself. I don't know why I stopped working out. I don't know why I didn't put my energy there. I don't even know where I put my energy, it's gone. I am exhausted all the time... if I could just sleep and stay that way for a month.. maybe I wouldn't feel so tired. Maybe running a mile wouldn't hurt so bad, maybe going out for just one beer with my friends wouldn't be an ordeal, maybe accepting an invitation wouldn't seem like a chore that needs an excuse to get out of.

Where I am? Who am I? I am not out working out.. I am not out with my friends.. I am not out taking photos.. I am just lost.
And if you think that emotional mental pain can't manifest itself physically I wish I could make you feel my joints, my muscles, my head. There is no hand book for this, no this is what you need to do today, this will help you tomorrow, next week you will feel this. It is a roller coaster of ups and downs of today's I am going to try but when it fails, tomorrow I am going to hide. I hate that what life I have is passing me by in glimpses of nothingness because there is absolutely nothing I have done to be proud of. What is there for me to proud of.. Hey I watched 3 seasons of Breaking Bad in 4 days.. yea.. happy some about that. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME... WHERE IS THE PATH OUT... I thought I was ready to go back.. that bootcamp would help but the whole time I just want to sit down, cry, hit something, throw something, scream, until all this anger is just gone. Instead I just run the best I can, stop and cough up a lung every now and then and pretend to be proud when it is done, but get in my car with the utter horror of I let myself go all the way back where I was, if not worse.

Drake walked in the living room dressed for school, in sweat pants, I said Dude.. why don't you find a pair of pants or shorts (now granted he isn't going to look very hard) but he very nasty replied to me.. I can't find any. Why can't he find any.. there are none tucked safely in his closet or his dresser. Or in his room any where... why you may wonder. Are they dirty.. nope not dirty all cleaned I do laundry on Thursday's they are clean. Are they not folded, no they are folded I try to do that as I take them out of the dryer.. then what.. why can't he find his clothes. Because there are two baskets full over clothes, one from last week, one from the week before and let's not talk about the clothes that are all over the bed.. simply because I can't manage to stand there and hang them. To put them away.. who cares. What does it even matter? Who ever thought hanging up clothes was a good idea. I am sure my mother will be horrified to read this, to know I haven't managed to sweep the floor or vacuum in .. hell I don't know it's been awhile. THIS IS NOT ME! I want my house clean, I want my things put away, I just CAN'T. How pathetic is the woman who can't manage to put her underwear in the drawer it belongs. Something so simple.. takes moments.. but walking down the hall to even think about it.. and forget it whats the point.

In the days after the accident there were so many people right there.. what can I do.. how can I help you.. when I had no voice when I had no answers, all I could muster was send good thoughts, pray. Almost 6 months later, most of those people are gone and I still have no voice no answers... other than send good thoughts and pray. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to crawl out of this hole. I ask you today, hug someone you think needs it, even if they may not know it.. You don't know who's tears you are drying by a simple act of love and kindness.

Much Love
De's Mommy


12 Comments
Aunt Ann
10/6/2013 11:18:45 pm

It's days like this that HE carries you and your foot prints aren't in the sand.With all your health issues you have going on right now it's no wonder you are feeling extremely tired.Antibiotics can do that to you.I'm certain HE will send you a message today.Wished I was there to give you a BIG HUG.But since I'm not XOXOXO and prayers is all I can do.Love you!Love you! Love you!

Reply
Laura
10/6/2013 11:33:35 pm

Re...
I wish I could give you a big hug. I don't know what to tell you because there is no right or wrong way to heal. You just have to take it one second at a time. Start small. Celebrate small victories - whether it's running a half a mile, wiping down the bathroom sink, hanging up your clothes. This is the new you - try not to compare yourself to who you were a year ago. You don't have to do it all at once.

*hugs*

Reply
6cullen
10/6/2013 11:39:35 pm

I want you to know I have all these same feelings. I love what you write because it makes me feel not alone. Except I am alone see you have lost a precious child. I have lost nothing. I have no reason and it makes me so angry. I pray that I never have a reason for I fear I could not handle anything terrible. I go to drs and I take anti depression meds. And I am still struggling. Thank you for sharing your self.

Reply
Lisa
10/6/2013 11:50:41 pm

You are working the steps of loss whether you realize it or not. If you aren't ready to jump back into something, then don't. You need to find the simple joy in what brings you back to you right now.

Try not to put to many demands on you, I'm impressed the laundry was done. You are coping better then I did when I went through a big struggle and I couldn't even leave the bed much less find energy.

Yes emotional pain does transfer to physical pain. Baby steps, Re. I won't say turn to God, what I will say turn to what you trust, where you feel safe, secured and loved and remember Drake loves his Mom too and I bet if he could just do a simple thing for you to see you smile he would do it, so ask him.

Hugs, Loves and please just keep taking it one day at a time. I know you are toughest on yourself, but stop being so tough on you and work on just giving yourself a few more passes as you work through the pain.

Reply
Kim Lee
10/7/2013 12:29:20 am

OK you said don't hold back ~ here goes:
The "I can'ts" may feel real but are simply not true. You CAN! You don't care to but you can! it's a choice you make every day, moment by moment, breath by breath sometimes. The "God only helps those who help themselves" part is a load of cow patties! Nowhere in His word does He say this is true, that is a lie. Yes, mentality manifests physically & there IS a hand book/manual, it's called your Bible.
You have a ton to be proud of, just look into your son's loving eyes. He loves you momma! There is nothing 'wrong' with you. Stop pretending to make everyone else happy or think you have to perform to be ok, better, you are still healing!
As for the laundry, girl, I do that sometimes! LOL
So, stop saying CAN'T! Put 1 thing on your CAN DO list & do it, then add 2 things, start over again if neccessary, it's ok. You may stumble & fall but you are not a failure. Like a wounded soldier, you have to start over, re-learn, heal. The people who still count, pray, love, read, encourage, care, are still here. The One you need the most never left your side day or night. Don't ignore Him or push Him aside because you don't feel like you're good enough or ready ~ it, He doesn't work that way. He will NEVER leave you. Listen to His voice. He may take longer or speak more quietly, but He will answer. Be willing to hear & sit in His presence, turn things off except His voice, He's waiting. Be still & He will continue to guide you through the storm to the path He knows you need to be on. It may not even look like you think it should. As for many people telling you to turn to God, tell me, is anything esle really working for you? When we put HIm absolutely 1st ALL other things WILL fall into place after Him, it's His word to us. He is still a God who heals & creates miracles but He wants us to choose Him. He calls to us, beckons us to come to Him, but doesn't force His way to make us trust Him or want to be with Him. You know from relationships that trust comes only through allowing access & yes so too does hurt. But allowing Him complete access creates an atomsphere that allows you to go thorugh the hurt in a better way. You can only build your relationship w/ Jesus by spending time w/ Him & talking to Him, but also being willing to be still enough to hear His voice. Sometimes He will remain silent & in those times He's simply there to comfort, hold, love on you, let you cry, & get it out. Let Him. Yes, many tell you to turn to Him becasue we know from experience that He is the only way when there is no other & all others have gone & that w/out Him the worldly ways creep in & take over & satan gains a victory in your life instead of you. So use your words, which are powerful, & tell the enemy to flee from you in Jesus' Name & he must. Praise Him "through" the storm. Don't wait til it passes or you never will.
Sweetie, it's been a hard year, yes, but honestly, truly, you CAN do this. I know because you have One greater living inside you, many praying for you, & loving you, but we aren't supposed to do it for you. You are an amazing person! You are an overcomer! & it's not about your feelings, it's about who GOD created YOU to be!! Faith is a gift, but we must decide if we are going to make it our choice to walk by instead of what we see, feel, hear, or think. I believe you are & can break through this fog, this lost feeling, this numbness, out of your pain, & heartache. Many have gone before you who have made the choice to survive & not be the victim of circumstance. You will rise above! I pray you speak these things over yourself even if you don't feel like it, believe it, or care. Speak it out loud, those things which are God's truth until they become your truth, your reality. It will happen! You CAN! I love you! Hugs!

Reply
Liz
10/7/2013 12:49:30 am

Listen to Lisa...you are getting there..one small babystep at a time. And we are all right here for you, wherever and whenever you want. Please stop rushing things and being so hard on yourself. You need time to just be.

Reply
Aunt Ann
10/7/2013 01:04:31 am

It's days like this that HE carries you.Dealing with all your health problems it's no wonder you are tired.Antibiotics always make you feel tired.Philippians4:13 declares that you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.No matter how inadequate or unqualified you may feel,Jesus promises to strengthen and enable you.Don't look at the facts of your situation.Look at the truth of God's word.He has promised that you can do all things with HIM on your side.Wish I was close by so I could give you a BIG hug.Since I'm not I'm sending up prayers and all my love.XOXOXO!!!!

Reply
Renee
10/7/2013 01:17:40 am

You can or not, it's up to you. You set you path, ask your questions, ponder the reply. You have people there for you, but you don't want to bother them, do. You ask what God would do such a horrible thing to you again.....only to look around and find the blessing He left for you to find and you have. I have never been there. It seems unnatural to have you the strength of all strengths to feel this way, but you do. Why? Because you are human. The things you used let roll off you back now stick. You can't walk away from them, can't hide. You must face what has happened and draw even more strength from it. Why? You have other people that depend on you. They love you and they too need your strength to carry on. Push, if you must. Cry if you need. Look for the path that leads forward and take it. Find your own happy end. Fill it full of memories, but continue to make memories with the people you hold dear to you now. Move forward. Use the tears of the past to grow lots of flowers in your future. Don't shy away from the Light, let It guide you and give you more strength to carry on. And those people who you think aren't there, they are, but they are giving you space to find your way so they can follow. Look in the sand, watch every set of footprints, there's only one because He is carrying you in His arms every step of the way. Have faith.

Reply
Aunt Ann
10/7/2013 01:18:57 am

.Philippians4:13 declares that you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.No matter how inadequate or unqualified you may feel,Jesus promises to strengthen and enable you.Don't look at the facts of your situation.Look at the truth of God's word.He has promised that you can do all things with HIM on your side.Speak HIS thoughts of victory over your life and stay focused on His promises.AMEN!!! to the above replys.

Reply
Kim Lee
10/7/2013 01:56:04 am

Keep in mind that God did not "do" this to you. I think you know that. And you shouldn't have to ever feel that you are someone else's strength. That's where it can get difficult in a performance based relationship. Each of us needs to find our own strength in Him & Him alone even though there are those He puts around us to help us on the journey. Aunt Ann is right! HUGS

Reply
Sylvia Mascaro
10/7/2013 02:37:07 am

Wow this is your most powerful on the money one to date! Almost identical in fact. You are speaking my life, my daily thoughts, my daily routine or not depends on how I feel. Pain, sickness, sadness, heartache, more pain, pain, pain. Physical and emotional. I can't tell the difference anymore. It just hurts to think, to move, & just to get through every second of the day. Holding my emotions inside and not sharing alot,for me its extremely difficult to really open up and let people in to the real me. The me who puts a smile on her face when I am asked how am I doing and all I can say is " I'm fine", when I just want to scream, its only been a couple of months how should I be doing, someone tell me". I try not to think some days then maybe nothing has changed, he is still alive but it is real and I can't pretend. I have to find who am I now. He was my only child. Am I still am mom when I have no child anymore? Its crazy the thoughts you can have while grieving. Re it is a process; yours and only yours to find who you are now, where will you go, and how did we get here. Its funny, I know we have each other to lean on but I know two wrongs don't make a right. You have your path to process and I have mine. One day, though, when we get through our individual paths; once we have reached our destiny I promise will we find each other. Love you my friend,

Reply
Teresa
10/7/2013 06:24:08 am

I don't blame you for feeling trapped on a road with no way out. I understand the idea of staring into an abyss and wanting to crawl into bed and sleep a month. You have lost one of your most cherished. Why wouldn't you feel that way. I often think of Mary and how in the world she dealt with losing her son. Watching him being nailed to a cross and beaten to a pulp. I don't think i would have the strength to stand and take that. One of the things that got her through was knowing that she was going to see him again. Was going to see and touch her baby again. You will see and touch De again too. I am sorry for your pain. I am praying for you Re and I love you always.

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