If you sit here and look at this picture long enough the road just disappears.. gone.. there is nothing at the end and no farther you can go. I suppose that is an illusion but that is also the illusion in my mind. I have lost site of the path, the trail, the road, that tracks, everything.. I took a hard left turn and ended up in the middle of that beautiful woods over there. Yes it is a beautiful place and I am fine here. I would just as soon stay here I think, not much can hurt you when you are here. Nothing can really get to you.
There is just a few small issues with this, nothing gets done, nor is there a desire to do anything. Just like this photograph, pretty isn't it? I took it. I took it what seems like a life time ago, with a camera I refuse to touch. My house, the one that 99.9% of the time everything was put away, yea give me an hour before you come over so I can make that illusion happen a bit. My diet, ha.. that is hysterical, why.. because I eat what is here, now ask me what is here. No don't cause I can't tell you cause even though I went to the store on Saturday, I don't remember what I bought but a thing of Hot Dog buns. I am not sure that I even bought the hot dogs. Exercise, what's that, other than another thing that hurts, physically, mentally, emotionally. Not only am I physically frustrated at bootcamp because I am no better than the day I started a year and half ago, my legs won't go faster, my arms can't lift my weight, and lord knows I don't have the nerve to box jump on a bench anymore, on top of all that crap I ended up with a cold that wouldn't let go, so instead I ended up missing 3 more nights and a half marathon. One more thing I have started and didn't finish. Emotionally and mentally it beats me down, why, because I was better than this. I could actually run 13.1 miles, at the moment I have an issue with 1. I can't run 1 @$%#%$#@$#$##@%$@## mile. I can't take a picture, I can't run a mile, I can't go to a get together, I can't clean my house, I can't get to the grocery store or even get the list together to eat right, I can't get myself together to make finisher medals for De's 5k. That's right I said can't, because right now it is the truth. That doesn't mean it has to be a reality forever, but for today that is the truth. I completely HATE where I am but LOVE it enough that I can't break through the brush and bramble that holds me here.
Things I took pride in mean nothing, things I said I would never do, I am doing. I am that mom... the one that can't get passed this, the one that is refusing to believe this and if I just stay home and read this book, or watch this show.. what is out there isn't true. It isn't real. She is just out.. at work.. in Mathews. No I don't want to go to your play, not because I don't love you, but because drama was a huge part of what she loved, but I have never missed a play how do I not go, I don't want to go to your Halloween party, she loved Halloween, I don't want to come over for football, she would have been there cheering for whatever team just because she could.
My life, my whole life is stuck in these walls, in my Daddy's walls, in Ed's walls, there is no where else I am comfortable or want to be. My safety resides in those places, they keep me safe even if sad.The beach, it means nothing to me, yay it's beautiful, so what. I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world yet it is pure darkness and nothingness. Who cares that we have extra beautiful days of summer, she isn't here to enjoy them why should I, how can I? I used to go to the gym, dance classes, kickboxing, weight lifting.. I don't even think I have a membership anywhere anymore. I don't even know where to turn for help.. do I need help? This working out stuff, painful stuff, emotional mental I can't keep up stuff, what am I gaining but pain stuff, how is this even helping?? At one point I was a motivator, I offered my words to others to keep them going, it's all a farce, who I am I encourage anymore when I didn't bother to get dressed yesterday. I walked the dog in my pajamas and watched Breaking Bad all day... thinking to myself as disgusting as those meth heads look I wouldn't mind escaping for a little while. (don't worry that blue stuff doesn't exist and I have no desire to snort anything with draino in it so we are good.)
I know that many people are going to tell me to turn to God... and I do have some faith that at some point I will make it out of this woods at some point, that some path will appear before me that I am just not seeing, but I hear the words God only helps those who help themselves. I am not sure I am much of a help to anyone not even the dog.
I still don't know who I am, I am not much of anything, I am nothing like I was, there is no determination in my world. There is no GO ANYWAY.. GET OUT THERE AND JUST DO IT.. trust me on Tuesday mornings when that clock when off at 430 am I didn't want to get up and go, but I did and I enjoyed it. Now I don't even go until 530 pm and I dread it all day and the whole time I am there I simply hate myself. I don't know why I stopped working out. I don't know why I didn't put my energy there. I don't even know where I put my energy, it's gone. I am exhausted all the time... if I could just sleep and stay that way for a month.. maybe I wouldn't feel so tired. Maybe running a mile wouldn't hurt so bad, maybe going out for just one beer with my friends wouldn't be an ordeal, maybe accepting an invitation wouldn't seem like a chore that needs an excuse to get out of.
Where I am? Who am I? I am not out working out.. I am not out with my friends.. I am not out taking photos.. I am just lost.
And if you think that emotional mental pain can't manifest itself physically I wish I could make you feel my joints, my muscles, my head. There is no hand book for this, no this is what you need to do today, this will help you tomorrow, next week you will feel this. It is a roller coaster of ups and downs of today's I am going to try but when it fails, tomorrow I am going to hide. I hate that what life I have is passing me by in glimpses of nothingness because there is absolutely nothing I have done to be proud of. What is there for me to proud of.. Hey I watched 3 seasons of Breaking Bad in 4 days.. yea.. happy some about that. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME... WHERE IS THE PATH OUT... I thought I was ready to go back.. that bootcamp would help but the whole time I just want to sit down, cry, hit something, throw something, scream, until all this anger is just gone. Instead I just run the best I can, stop and cough up a lung every now and then and pretend to be proud when it is done, but get in my car with the utter horror of I let myself go all the way back where I was, if not worse.
Drake walked in the living room dressed for school, in sweat pants, I said Dude.. why don't you find a pair of pants or shorts (now granted he isn't going to look very hard) but he very nasty replied to me.. I can't find any. Why can't he find any.. there are none tucked safely in his closet or his dresser. Or in his room any where... why you may wonder. Are they dirty.. nope not dirty all cleaned I do laundry on Thursday's they are clean. Are they not folded, no they are folded I try to do that as I take them out of the dryer.. then what.. why can't he find his clothes. Because there are two baskets full over clothes, one from last week, one from the week before and let's not talk about the clothes that are all over the bed.. simply because I can't manage to stand there and hang them. To put them away.. who cares. What does it even matter? Who ever thought hanging up clothes was a good idea. I am sure my mother will be horrified to read this, to know I haven't managed to sweep the floor or vacuum in .. hell I don't know it's been awhile. THIS IS NOT ME! I want my house clean, I want my things put away, I just CAN'T. How pathetic is the woman who can't manage to put her underwear in the drawer it belongs. Something so simple.. takes moments.. but walking down the hall to even think about it.. and forget it whats the point.
In the days after the accident there were so many people right there.. what can I do.. how can I help you.. when I had no voice when I had no answers, all I could muster was send good thoughts, pray. Almost 6 months later, most of those people are gone and I still have no voice no answers... other than send good thoughts and pray. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to crawl out of this hole. I ask you today, hug someone you think needs it, even if they may not know it.. You don't know who's tears you are drying by a simple act of love and kindness.
Much Love
De's Mommy
There is just a few small issues with this, nothing gets done, nor is there a desire to do anything. Just like this photograph, pretty isn't it? I took it. I took it what seems like a life time ago, with a camera I refuse to touch. My house, the one that 99.9% of the time everything was put away, yea give me an hour before you come over so I can make that illusion happen a bit. My diet, ha.. that is hysterical, why.. because I eat what is here, now ask me what is here. No don't cause I can't tell you cause even though I went to the store on Saturday, I don't remember what I bought but a thing of Hot Dog buns. I am not sure that I even bought the hot dogs. Exercise, what's that, other than another thing that hurts, physically, mentally, emotionally. Not only am I physically frustrated at bootcamp because I am no better than the day I started a year and half ago, my legs won't go faster, my arms can't lift my weight, and lord knows I don't have the nerve to box jump on a bench anymore, on top of all that crap I ended up with a cold that wouldn't let go, so instead I ended up missing 3 more nights and a half marathon. One more thing I have started and didn't finish. Emotionally and mentally it beats me down, why, because I was better than this. I could actually run 13.1 miles, at the moment I have an issue with 1. I can't run 1 @$%#%$#@$#$##@%$@## mile. I can't take a picture, I can't run a mile, I can't go to a get together, I can't clean my house, I can't get to the grocery store or even get the list together to eat right, I can't get myself together to make finisher medals for De's 5k. That's right I said can't, because right now it is the truth. That doesn't mean it has to be a reality forever, but for today that is the truth. I completely HATE where I am but LOVE it enough that I can't break through the brush and bramble that holds me here.
Things I took pride in mean nothing, things I said I would never do, I am doing. I am that mom... the one that can't get passed this, the one that is refusing to believe this and if I just stay home and read this book, or watch this show.. what is out there isn't true. It isn't real. She is just out.. at work.. in Mathews. No I don't want to go to your play, not because I don't love you, but because drama was a huge part of what she loved, but I have never missed a play how do I not go, I don't want to go to your Halloween party, she loved Halloween, I don't want to come over for football, she would have been there cheering for whatever team just because she could.
My life, my whole life is stuck in these walls, in my Daddy's walls, in Ed's walls, there is no where else I am comfortable or want to be. My safety resides in those places, they keep me safe even if sad.The beach, it means nothing to me, yay it's beautiful, so what. I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world yet it is pure darkness and nothingness. Who cares that we have extra beautiful days of summer, she isn't here to enjoy them why should I, how can I? I used to go to the gym, dance classes, kickboxing, weight lifting.. I don't even think I have a membership anywhere anymore. I don't even know where to turn for help.. do I need help? This working out stuff, painful stuff, emotional mental I can't keep up stuff, what am I gaining but pain stuff, how is this even helping?? At one point I was a motivator, I offered my words to others to keep them going, it's all a farce, who I am I encourage anymore when I didn't bother to get dressed yesterday. I walked the dog in my pajamas and watched Breaking Bad all day... thinking to myself as disgusting as those meth heads look I wouldn't mind escaping for a little while. (don't worry that blue stuff doesn't exist and I have no desire to snort anything with draino in it so we are good.)
I know that many people are going to tell me to turn to God... and I do have some faith that at some point I will make it out of this woods at some point, that some path will appear before me that I am just not seeing, but I hear the words God only helps those who help themselves. I am not sure I am much of a help to anyone not even the dog.
I still don't know who I am, I am not much of anything, I am nothing like I was, there is no determination in my world. There is no GO ANYWAY.. GET OUT THERE AND JUST DO IT.. trust me on Tuesday mornings when that clock when off at 430 am I didn't want to get up and go, but I did and I enjoyed it. Now I don't even go until 530 pm and I dread it all day and the whole time I am there I simply hate myself. I don't know why I stopped working out. I don't know why I didn't put my energy there. I don't even know where I put my energy, it's gone. I am exhausted all the time... if I could just sleep and stay that way for a month.. maybe I wouldn't feel so tired. Maybe running a mile wouldn't hurt so bad, maybe going out for just one beer with my friends wouldn't be an ordeal, maybe accepting an invitation wouldn't seem like a chore that needs an excuse to get out of.
Where I am? Who am I? I am not out working out.. I am not out with my friends.. I am not out taking photos.. I am just lost.
And if you think that emotional mental pain can't manifest itself physically I wish I could make you feel my joints, my muscles, my head. There is no hand book for this, no this is what you need to do today, this will help you tomorrow, next week you will feel this. It is a roller coaster of ups and downs of today's I am going to try but when it fails, tomorrow I am going to hide. I hate that what life I have is passing me by in glimpses of nothingness because there is absolutely nothing I have done to be proud of. What is there for me to proud of.. Hey I watched 3 seasons of Breaking Bad in 4 days.. yea.. happy some about that. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME... WHERE IS THE PATH OUT... I thought I was ready to go back.. that bootcamp would help but the whole time I just want to sit down, cry, hit something, throw something, scream, until all this anger is just gone. Instead I just run the best I can, stop and cough up a lung every now and then and pretend to be proud when it is done, but get in my car with the utter horror of I let myself go all the way back where I was, if not worse.
Drake walked in the living room dressed for school, in sweat pants, I said Dude.. why don't you find a pair of pants or shorts (now granted he isn't going to look very hard) but he very nasty replied to me.. I can't find any. Why can't he find any.. there are none tucked safely in his closet or his dresser. Or in his room any where... why you may wonder. Are they dirty.. nope not dirty all cleaned I do laundry on Thursday's they are clean. Are they not folded, no they are folded I try to do that as I take them out of the dryer.. then what.. why can't he find his clothes. Because there are two baskets full over clothes, one from last week, one from the week before and let's not talk about the clothes that are all over the bed.. simply because I can't manage to stand there and hang them. To put them away.. who cares. What does it even matter? Who ever thought hanging up clothes was a good idea. I am sure my mother will be horrified to read this, to know I haven't managed to sweep the floor or vacuum in .. hell I don't know it's been awhile. THIS IS NOT ME! I want my house clean, I want my things put away, I just CAN'T. How pathetic is the woman who can't manage to put her underwear in the drawer it belongs. Something so simple.. takes moments.. but walking down the hall to even think about it.. and forget it whats the point.
In the days after the accident there were so many people right there.. what can I do.. how can I help you.. when I had no voice when I had no answers, all I could muster was send good thoughts, pray. Almost 6 months later, most of those people are gone and I still have no voice no answers... other than send good thoughts and pray. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to crawl out of this hole. I ask you today, hug someone you think needs it, even if they may not know it.. You don't know who's tears you are drying by a simple act of love and kindness.
Much Love
De's Mommy
RSS Feed
