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2/28/2021

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9. Today is a combo blog post and daily social media spindle. Get it.. spindle not as big as a post? I kill me. The terms are both fitting simply because they both are accountable to hold things up, my writing and post both hold me up and accountable, I fall all kinds of apart when I don't write.

Today is filled with some goodness which has to be a welcome relief to many.*warning there is still deep deep sadness. First I am going to start each daily spindle with a positive, and I got a handy dandy little notebook (yes Tee I bought yet another little notebook… two to be exact) to write each of those positives in, like by hand… with ink. While I completely enjoy typing my posts and do not feel that it leads to anything less personal, there is something a bit more magical in the art of handwriting. If I write a note and look at it years later I can even tell you my mood at the time as my handwriting has a shift, anyone else do this?
Positive: I have a huge support group! I have people that love me and my life matters to them. I am not simply speaking of immediate family (who I love dearly…) I am talking about cousins, high school friends, some even grade school, bootcamp friends, work friends, and honestly some friends that I have never met face to face, some of you I don’t even know where you came from, you were just… there. Make new friends, but keep the old… (I broke out in song there…. Will share at the end)

The point is, while I have felt so lonely, I have never been alone. So yesterday as many of you know I bit the bullet got on the scale and took full on body pics, because I needed to. I have to be accountable to myself, and while it was what I consider shameful to post, so many others commented that they are in the same boat. Guys I see you! I feel you! I understand your frustrations and obstacles. Nee.. you mentioned work and how you eat during the day, mine is work, not taking a break to hardly even stand for 10 to 12 hours and then eating the same thing I fix for my dad to GAIN weight. OPM.. you mentioned you cried in the shower, I cried in my jeep. Jerr…. you mentioned mourning and covid, GIRL SAME down to the pound! Lynne… you mentioned you lost it and swore you wouldn’t gain it back, right here not only on the same boat but using the same paddle! I could keep going with this for an entire post but I think you get the picture, while the situations were not identical, they all had a common core, none of us felt we were the best us we could be. I am so sorry that any of you feel this way, but I am so utterly proud of each of you for opening up, for coming forward, to offer words of comfort and unity. I am hopeful that through this journey we can help each other. I am going to back up to a few darker moments and then move forward because things just need to be said and remembered for the future.

We all know that I have been saying.. I’m good! I’m fine! I got this, short of a few scattered sad posts I thought I was holding it together pretty good. Operative word there “thought”. Nothing behind the wall of “I’m good! I’m fine! I got this” was fine and the very moment I allowed myself to not be consumed by the chaos of everything around me it all came flooding out, and crashed through any and all goodness that had ever been planted. People talk about rock bottom, typically in conversations about addiction, but what about in other aspects of life? I know in most circles rock bottom is losing it all, family, homes, friends, etc. but what if you lost yourself. I am not talking about for a moment, I think sometimes we all do that, but I mean for days, weeks, months… years. It’s been years since I have felt like me. Like the motions of life were just that motions, without the emotion. To me, rock bottom, was the realization that I am not living or even been trying to, and that to be quite blunt the only thing you have been trying to do is die. I tried to find a term for someone who had no regard for their own life but the only things that popped were sociopath and psychopath, neither which fit the scenario, so the term I have come up with is, "Done". And done I was, when you wake up in the morning, without gratitude for life and your first thought of the day is… “well shit” that is most definitely rock fucking bottom.

I shared with a friend that, my life has no joy. Hear me out here, there is happiness. I can be happy for you, I can smile, I can laugh, I can show you all outward signs of the emotion, however, feeling the feeling inside is just not there. I googled how I could portray happiness yet have no joy the answer was pretty straightforward, joy is an inner feeling and happiness is an outward expression and in side I feel empty. I know in my heart that this feeling is directly related to Deanna's accident... death damnit death (I heard my Aunt Reedie in my head then...)... her journey left this big huge gaping hole in me and anything else good inside leaked out with it.

Do you know what happens when you have a huge gigantic hole in yourself? You try to fill it, with whatever is easily obtainable, for me that was massive quantities of grief, food, alcohol, and chaos, but just like refined sugar they were empty of any nutritional or wholesome emotional value and ultimately have only left the hole craving more and more and more, stretching the hole and my waistline in the process. Why do we keep going back to the bad things, because they are easy! Lets take my food analogy and use that, you know what is easy.. grabbing a pop tart, you know what takes work.. making eggs and a side of bacon. You know what is easier than feeling sadness or grief, drinking a bottle of wine, or 4. Anyone who watches TV are programmed to reach for hole fillers. The wine commercial, everyone looks so happy and beautiful, they don't show the sloppy drunk lady in tears that she just wants to die. The sugary carby fatty foods commercials, everyone has it so together and are happily bustling about their beautiful lives because they cut minutes out of their day by picking up take out or grabbed that premade box of breakfast, they don't show the fat lady sitting in a recliner with crumbs on her size 3x shirt. It is so much easier to sit in your stew of sadness, guilt, self hatred, than to put in the work to feel something better. I don't remember who said to me once "anything worth having takes work", the problem with this is work is hard and work doesn't sell, so we just don't see it like the flashy hole expanders. Just like it takes work to make a better breakfast, I am going to have to work to fill this hole back up with better. It's time for some reprogramming, it's time to fill up the hole with good things and allow it to shrink. (and hopefully my waist in the process)

I remember joy before that day in April. I even remember joy at simply completing a 5 k, joy and pride in what I had accomplished. I remember a time that a hug could spread warmth through me. Did you know that I actually hate being touched now? That it hurts? It is like pin pricks, and not the good tingly kind. More like the my foot has fallen asleep and now I have to stand on it kind. I have to mentally prepare, sometimes on short notice, that something is going to touch me. As strange as it sounds I have to wonder if it is because the act of physically feeling is directly related to being alive and if I feel you physically I should be feeling something emotionally. Ponderings for another day. But I do remember feelings existing, so that means that there is hope that they can be felt again.

One of the things that has been bouncing around in my head for the last 9 days is something my dad said on Valentine's Day. We were going out to dinner and I jokingly said that he would need to sit in the back so I could sit by Ed. I typically let him take the front as it is more comfortable and he can talk. His response was "The back is just fine, because being in the back means there is no were else to go but forward." Last night as I was diving into my new book Fit Gurl.. right there on page 16 "The best thing about starting F-A-R down the ladder is that you can only get better" Click... link... this book is for me. There is no other place to go from rock bottom but up, and the only person that can get me back up completely is me, sure love and support helps tremendously but if you aren't willing to reach for what is being given it is of little to no use. It's so hard to grasp a hand reaching for you, when you can't look up.

As I went to my mom's yesterday to retrieve my book, she had a gift for me as well, another book. The boy, the mole, the fox and the horse. I had to rush out to my jeep and grab my phone to show mom that the picture I had chosen for this blog post, it was from THAT BOOK! "Sometimes your mind plays tricks on you. It can tell you you're no good, that it's all hopeless. But remember this; you are loved, and important, and you bring to this world things no one else can. So hold on" CLICK.. LINK!

I made a comment off handedly that I didn't want to invite friends over this weekend, even though it had been two weeks since I had done so, which is unusual for me, because I just wasn't up to dealing with it. I made plans to grab a few groceries and dinner out with dad and Ed and wouldn't you now it. A friend texted and said, "Hey we haven't seen you guys in awhile, can we meet for dinner?" CLICK... LINK.

There have been so many other little things just in the last few days that I am afraid it will take me the remainder of the week to capture them, Ed is already a little concerned about the length of this as it has taken me 4 hours to write, hey... sometimes these things take pondering as well as typing. The point is little things are falling into the hole, little links to a chain.. maybe they were all along but I was so blinded by looking down that I didn't see them coming from above. Now that I have hit the bottom of the down, there just is nothing left to fear. I know there have been times before I have peaked out from under the covers but those times there was not the end under my feet. So while you may be thinking.. "criminy here she goes again" to me or anyone else who is trying to figure their way in life, I must ask you, is it how many times or far we have fallen or the number of times we have tried to get back up that counts?

I know this post is long, (if you are still here I am humbled) and believe me I have spent a long time writing it, but it deserved to be written. I hope that in my words someone finds themselves not alone. That maybe they find the strength or courage to look up before their thought upon waking isn't "well shit" or "It's finally over". I also know that my words are hard to read, even understand for some, because the battle is not one you have been cursed with, those of you that can't understand, be thankful, but be supportive of those around you that do.

As I started this post I will end this post, stating that I do have a support system, probably one like no other and it is a blessing. I have friends that have reached out and are working with me on my "fitness" goals by helping me rebuild a foundation. I have others that have reached out, just saying "Hey girl, you aren't alone". Some have posted booked to read and even gifted them. While I am no where near the top of this hole, I have felt a shift inside of me. One that I can't recall having before, so I am declaring this time is the time and that night it did end and now the only place left to go is better.

Back to the little song that flew threw my mind early...

Make new friends, but keep the old.
One is silver, the other is gold.
A circle is round, it has no end.
That's how long, I will be your friend.
A fire burns bright, it warms the heart.
We've been friends, from the very start.
You have one hand, I have the other.
Put them together, we have each other.
Silver is precious, gold is too.
I am precious, and so are you.
You help me and I'll help you
and together we will see it through.
The sky is blue.
The Earth is green
I can help to keep it clean
Across the land, Across the sea
Friends forever we will always be

CLICK.. LINK!

Peace, Love and Light
Re
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BEEP BEEP BERTHA

2/23/2021

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Picture
Good Morning! First yes, that truly is a “Good Morning!” Yesterday was filled with Okedness, which is good, not like an “I’m Fine” good but a true good good.

Don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean there were not a few tears, there were, and that is ok. Daddy called me last night just to check in, and asked if on our outing yesterday we did what Coach V said.
I feel like most days I follow that advice, the quote has resonated with me for years, it was kinda special that Daddy brought it up.

“Number 1 Laugh. Number 2 Think- Spend some time in thought. Number 3 You should have your emotions move you to tears.
If you laugh, think, and cry, that’s a full day, that’s a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week and you’re going to have something special”
~ Coach V 1943-1993

It’s a good process to follow. Try it, you have nothing to lose.

I would like to thank you all for your sweet texts and messages yesterday, it truly does help the day. To Deanna’s special friend, the one who makes sure she has balloons every year, please know that it means so much to me and I know it means a lot to her too!

I spent the morning as I wished, at home, sipping some coffee, writing, etc. Then mom and I went to have our nails done, I would like to say that it was wonderful, but my fingers are still sore and I would guess that hers are too. BUTTTTTTTTTT do I have a story to you.
I can promise you, if you envision this in your mind you will most definitely be moved to tears from laughter.

Here we are in this little small nail salon, mom getting a pedicure, by someone I am not sure should have even been answering a phone in a business. By the way what do you do in that situation? You go in for a service and the person they pair you with, you just aren’t comfortable with? This person was very rough and messy, not at all what you would want in your technician but on the way home we both decided we had no idea what do when that happened. I even explained that I had in fact suffered through a bad tech before, and then someone else swapped with me (Thanks Phyl) and they too had a bad experience. We just stopped going to that salon out so we didn’t to worry with it. What do you do?

Anyway I am veering off course here… (insert giggle) so she is in the foot chair and I am patiently (no not really) waiting on someone to do my nails. There are two other techs there just wandering around and on their phones, before you say they may have had appointments they didn’t, turns out they only have ONE person who does acrylic work, but they don’t bother to tell you that. All of a sudden up front there is a commotion! There is a lady waiting in line behind me to have her nails worked on, poor lady got there just minutes after me so she had to wait a long time, and I hear her say “I think this lady needs help” My first thought was that is obvious! So one of the cell phone techs goes flittering up to the front of the salon. “How can I help?”

The response was “HUFF… HUFF… PEDICURE.. HUFF.. HUFF”. The young tech then points to a chair near the back of the salon and the response to that was “HUFF HUFF… THE ONE IN THE FRONT.. HUFF”

Now let me set the scene for you, you all know me, I am not of small stature at all. I even consider myself super size (isn’t that a nice way to say fat) this woman was … “oh… my… lord…. “ and she had wheeled her big box store jazzy scooter up to the front of this salon.
Do you think this lady parked her scooter like in front of the store? Nope she had wheeled it right up to the dry your nails counter. Ok no problem guess she can’t walk that far, but still an odd place to park.

The tech comes to the front chair and starts filling it with water when I hear “I need help! HUFF HUFF” The tech turns to look at her client who is still nestled in her jazzy scooter seat. The client then says.. “I can’t walk over there!”

I mentioned this place was small right? By small I mean 40 foot long maybe, so the first chair is positioned with in 5 feet of where her jazzy current is resting, idling. I see the lady waiting making no moves to assist so it is then I realize ok they aren’t together.
The tech who is the size of a small 7 year old walks over and is a little befuddled as what it is she is to do, so she hand motions for the woman to make her way to the chair.

I am not kidding you here.. not at all.. there were witnesses! Bertha (she looked like a Bertha, not THAT Bertha but another one) attempts to wheel her jazzy to the chair, she bumps the counter because hello that isle is NOT MADE FOR NO JAZZY, and what does she do then?
She exclaims “THAT IS IN MY WAY!” Reverses said jazzy (I am thinking ok she is mad and leaving… wrong) Bertha throws Jazzy in drive and full speed ahead rams through the isle to get 2 foot closer to her chair! 2 foot!

So now she is stuck between the counter and the jazzy trying to get turned around, drops her cane, the poor tech is just lost. In the middle of all the shifting and twisting and huffing and puffing I over hear Bertha say “HUFF.. I MAY HAVE HUFF WAITED TOO LONG.. HUFF.. I TRY TO WAIT LONGER NOW” Well we can see why lady. And finally there was a resounding plop as her rear end made connection with her goal. She throws her running shoe clad piggies up on the foot rest.

Jazzy scooter is wedged in the isle just a tight as Bertha’s rear was in the chair. Bertha looks at her little in shock tech and says “Back that out will ya.’

Now I am in unfortunate line of sight with Bertha’s running kicks. Again I hear.. “It’s been awhile I waited a long time”

You guys know how I love Jurassic Park right? All I am going to say is kitchen scene, if you know you know, if you don’t google it and watch at the 51 second mark .. if you dare!

At this point it was my time for torture so I was distracted by my own pain and didn’t really see how she got out of the salon. I imagine it was much like getting in because NO ONE MOVED THE JAZZ. It sat there wedged in the whole time!

I understand completely and totally that people have needs and there are disabilities and I respect and support that, I will promise you that if I see you in a situation in which you need a hand I will run to your aid and needs.
This wasn’t that. This was more of “Is this REALLY HAPPENING??” versus “Oh my this person needs help!”

On the way home mom and I had our fits of giggles over the situation and since I have come up with a list of questions that I really wish I had asked.

  1. How did she get from her vehicle to the in house store jazzy?
  2. How did she get from her home to her vehicle and vice versa?
  3. How did she get her feet in her shoes those talons??

Ok now that I have grossed you out I hope I least made you laugh. Bertha I hope you made it home ok!

The rest of the day was spent having a very leisurely lunch with my mom, on the way home she even exclaimed that she sure was glad we were friends now (no idea why she thinks we are… giggle) and then a quiet evening home alone.
I asked Deanna for a message late in the day and this is a portion of what I received.

“Life may not be perfect, but it is perfectly as it should be at the moment. It doesn’t happen often but every one in a while the elements fall into place and a peaceful moment of clairvoyance washes over our entire being. --- When your moment emerges, take the time to appreciate it. You have worked hard to get where you are and moments of true harmony and magic are few and far between. Don’t let your own self-criticism overshadow the truly wonderful things you have done”

I love you too may darling girl, for now, forever, and for always.

Like I said… I am ok. Today I am ok.

Peace, Love and Light
Re
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Happy Birthday De!

2/22/2021

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n just a few hours you would have been 27. My mind can’t age you, I can’t see what you would have been. The life you would have chosen.
I know this is because that was never to be, it’s impossible to see what isn’t. That is ok today.
I have so many happy memories, those were and are and will always be.
As I mentioned, it is still hard to shake that choices I made didn’t make what happened happen, but I am trying my sweet girl.
I don’t know if you will wait for me before your next journey and if you don’t that is ok, because I will see you again, I will know you again, and I will love you again.
If our souls weren’t so completely linked, I don’t think the hole in my heart would be so large, I don’t think the feeling of missing you would lay like a veil over everything I do.
For these are the reasons I know there is more to our story.
I believe that there are those that come into our lives as part of chapter, they come in and help us learn the lessons we need to grow.
I also believe that there are those that are part of our whole, that make up part of the complete story and time and time again we will meet and we will be.
Maybe this time I didn’t do so good, maybe I didn’t love you the right way, or hard enough, or strong enough when you were standing in front of me, for any wrong doing and lack on my part I ask your forgiveness.
It is my goal that you know how greatly you were and continue to be loved…. I think you already know these things so I should say it is my desire that I am able to hold your soul in mine and know you also feel these things.
Of my friends and family I ask that today, you do one small random act of kindness for another, Deanna was giving and filed with kindness, this world needs more of that.
In those acts her legacy will live on.
Peace, Love and Light
Re
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The ties that bind...

2/21/2021

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Picture
I sit with my hands hovered over the keys that hold the power to unlock so much, for so many, and there is an ache in my fingers to fly over the letters we learned so long ago, the words yearning to be set free.


It's been a few years since I have written, you know like really on a consistent basis written, let the words come as they will. There has been a time here or there, but then I allowed things to bind my hands, my words, my thoughts and ultimately my beliefs.  Grief, stress, sadness, over abundance of commitments, the list could go on and on and on. I really shouldn't let that happen because then when I find the slightest little crack in the chains, my emotions erupt like a volcano. Fun times... not.


I know that the lessons being learned were contracted to me before this human experience even began, but I can tell you, that does not make the lessons any less ouchie. Even in the knowing, the feelings that I made a wrong turn years and years ago, or maybe it was in a different life, or maybe it wasn't even MY wrong turn, bubble up in my saddest of days when I allow the costume of strength, courage and just all around OKedness (yes I made that up) to fall to the ground. It's never pretty.


Why do I do this, why do I allow myself to be muted? Because, I have to be all the things to all the people and I can't be all the things if I am anything other than what everyone else needs me to be! Remember that wrong turn I mentioned...  still making it.


What I can tell you right now, today, this very second, if this part of my journey ended, it would be alright. That does not mean I hate my life, my life is good. I have a wonderful man, family, friends, job, it's not a bad place to be, if only it was not shadowed in the constant grief. That grief has a cast of darkness on everything. While I know it shouldn't, it does. It does not matter that I know what is done is done, or what is ... just is.  Knowing does not make it hurt differently and knowing does not make it any easier on anyone who loves me. Yea I see you tip toeing or holding the words you would other wise say, I wish you wouldn't, you are binding yourself in my grief and one person bound is enough.


I shared this weekend with another soulful being that I was waking up at night with my arms crossed tightly over my chest as if I was trying to protect myself. It is likely that I have been in protection mode for years in some capacity or another, but now feeling the physical manifestation and the actual pain and tiredness in my  arm when I wake up it is a bit too much too over look. It is time to explore, it is time to unlock, it is time to actually set myself free.


I don't necessarily know all of the needed steps to do that just yet, but I know that writing is one of them, it has been shown that the words I have to share are needed, they are important. I also feel deep inside that I have to stop hiding, stop hiding behind the fat, the food, the booze. I have to stop hiding and start moving.  In order to get out of the shadow, one must stop hiding in the depths of it and move directly out into the light.  What will be.. is just like what is.. already done.  So the choice to hide and stay rooted in sadness is likely doing nothing to protect at all. What is there to lose?

To my friends, my family, my people, I love each and every one of you whole-heartedly and completely. You are appreciated! I see you patiently waiting, I see reach out, I see you. I thank you. Please know I will be OK. Likely in for a little turbulence because I doubt that the walk to the light is going to be easy breezy.. but what I lack in strength and courage I make up for in hardheadedness, so I will get there.

May tomorrow.... 222... be a day of celebration of not only Deanna's birth, but a Re-birth as well... see what I did there? Allow the colors to shine through and be part of all that she was, all that she is, and all that she will continue to be.


Peace, love and light,

Re


~There are not spells for many sorrows in this world, and death is one of them. You can not bring back those who have stepped into the next world....   Alice Hoffman

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