Good Morning! First yes, that truly is a “Good Morning!” Yesterday was filled with Okedness, which is good, not like an “I’m Fine” good but a true good good.

Don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean there were not a few tears, there were, and that is ok. Daddy called me last night just to check in, and asked if on our outing yesterday we did what Coach V said.
I feel like most days I follow that advice, the quote has resonated with me for years, it was kinda special that Daddy brought it up.

“Number 1 Laugh. Number 2 Think- Spend some time in thought. Number 3 You should have your emotions move you to tears.
If you laugh, think, and cry, that’s a full day, that’s a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week and you’re going to have something special”
~ Coach V 1943-1993

It’s a good process to follow. Try it, you have nothing to lose.

I would like to thank you all for your sweet texts and messages yesterday, it truly does help the day. To Deanna’s special friend, the one who makes sure she has balloons every year, please know that it means so much to me and I know it means a lot to her too!

I spent the morning as I wished, at home, sipping some coffee, writing, etc. Then mom and I went to have our nails done, I would like to say that it was wonderful, but my fingers are still sore and I would guess that hers are too. BUTTTTTTTTTT do I have a story to you.
I can promise you, if you envision this in your mind you will most definitely be moved to tears from laughter.

Here we are in this little small nail salon, mom getting a pedicure, by someone I am not sure should have even been answering a phone in a business. By the way what do you do in that situation? You go in for a service and the person they pair you with, you just aren’t comfortable with? This person was very rough and messy, not at all what you would want in your technician but on the way home we both decided we had no idea what do when that happened. I even explained that I had in fact suffered through a bad tech before, and then someone else swapped with me (Thanks Phyl) and they too had a bad experience. We just stopped going to that salon out so we didn’t to worry with it. What do you do?

Anyway I am veering off course here… (insert giggle) so she is in the foot chair and I am patiently (no not really) waiting on someone to do my nails. There are two other techs there just wandering around and on their phones, before you say they may have had appointments they didn’t, turns out they only have ONE person who does acrylic work, but they don’t bother to tell you that. All of a sudden up front there is a commotion! There is a lady waiting in line behind me to have her nails worked on, poor lady got there just minutes after me so she had to wait a long time, and I hear her say “I think this lady needs help” My first thought was that is obvious! So one of the cell phone techs goes flittering up to the front of the salon. “How can I help?”

The response was “HUFF… HUFF… PEDICURE.. HUFF.. HUFF”. The young tech then points to a chair near the back of the salon and the response to that was “HUFF HUFF… THE ONE IN THE FRONT.. HUFF”

Now let me set the scene for you, you all know me, I am not of small stature at all. I even consider myself super size (isn’t that a nice way to say fat) this woman was … “oh… my… lord…. “ and she had wheeled her big box store jazzy scooter up to the front of this salon.
Do you think this lady parked her scooter like in front of the store? Nope she had wheeled it right up to the dry your nails counter. Ok no problem guess she can’t walk that far, but still an odd place to park.

The tech comes to the front chair and starts filling it with water when I hear “I need help! HUFF HUFF” The tech turns to look at her client who is still nestled in her jazzy scooter seat. The client then says.. “I can’t walk over there!”

I mentioned this place was small right? By small I mean 40 foot long maybe, so the first chair is positioned with in 5 feet of where her jazzy current is resting, idling. I see the lady waiting making no moves to assist so it is then I realize ok they aren’t together.
The tech who is the size of a small 7 year old walks over and is a little befuddled as what it is she is to do, so she hand motions for the woman to make her way to the chair.

I am not kidding you here.. not at all.. there were witnesses! Bertha (she looked like a Bertha, not THAT Bertha but another one) attempts to wheel her jazzy to the chair, she bumps the counter because hello that isle is NOT MADE FOR NO JAZZY, and what does she do then?
She exclaims “THAT IS IN MY WAY!” Reverses said jazzy (I am thinking ok she is mad and leaving… wrong) Bertha throws Jazzy in drive and full speed ahead rams through the isle to get 2 foot closer to her chair! 2 foot!

So now she is stuck between the counter and the jazzy trying to get turned around, drops her cane, the poor tech is just lost. In the middle of all the shifting and twisting and huffing and puffing I over hear Bertha say “HUFF.. I MAY HAVE HUFF WAITED TOO LONG.. HUFF.. I TRY TO WAIT LONGER NOW” Well we can see why lady. And finally there was a resounding plop as her rear end made connection with her goal. She throws her running shoe clad piggies up on the foot rest.

Jazzy scooter is wedged in the isle just a tight as Bertha’s rear was in the chair. Bertha looks at her little in shock tech and says “Back that out will ya.’

Now I am in unfortunate line of sight with Bertha’s running kicks. Again I hear.. “It’s been awhile I waited a long time”

You guys know how I love Jurassic Park right? All I am going to say is kitchen scene, if you know you know, if you don’t google it and watch at the 51 second mark .. if you dare!

At this point it was my time for torture so I was distracted by my own pain and didn’t really see how she got out of the salon. I imagine it was much like getting in because NO ONE MOVED THE JAZZ. It sat there wedged in the whole time!

I understand completely and totally that people have needs and there are disabilities and I respect and support that, I will promise you that if I see you in a situation in which you need a hand I will run to your aid and needs.
This wasn’t that. This was more of “Is this REALLY HAPPENING??” versus “Oh my this person needs help!”

On the way home mom and I had our fits of giggles over the situation and since I have come up with a list of questions that I really wish I had asked.

1. How did she get from her vehicle to the in house store jazzy?
2. How did she get from her home to her vehicle and vice versa?
3. How did she get her feet in her shoes those talons??

Ok now that I have grossed you out I hope I least made you laugh. Bertha I hope you made it home ok!

The rest of the day was spent having a very leisurely lunch with my mom, on the way home she even exclaimed that she sure was glad we were friends now (no idea why she thinks we are… giggle) and then a quiet evening home alone.
I asked Deanna for a message late in the day and this is a portion of what I received.

“Life may not be perfect, but it is perfectly as it should be at the moment. It doesn’t happen often but every one in a while the elements fall into place and a peaceful moment of clairvoyance washes over our entire being. --- When your moment emerges, take the time to appreciate it. You have worked hard to get where you are and moments of true harmony and magic are few and far between. Don’t let your own self-criticism overshadow the truly wonderful things you have done”

I love you too may darling girl, for now, forever, and for always.

Like I said… I am ok. Today I am ok.

Peace, Love and Light
Re

n just a few hours you would have been 27. My mind can’t age you, I can’t see what you would have been. The life you would have chosen.
I know this is because that was never to be, it’s impossible to see what isn’t. That is ok today.
I have so many happy memories, those were and are and will always be.
As I mentioned, it is still hard to shake that choices I made didn’t make what happened happen, but I am trying my sweet girl.
I don’t know if you will wait for me before your next journey and if you don’t that is ok, because I will see you again, I will know you again, and I will love you again.
If our souls weren’t so completely linked, I don’t think the hole in my heart would be so large, I don’t think the feeling of missing you would lay like a veil over everything I do.
For these are the reasons I know there is more to our story.
I believe that there are those that come into our lives as part of chapter, they come in and help us learn the lessons we need to grow.
I also believe that there are those that are part of our whole, that make up part of the complete story and time and time again we will meet and we will be.
Maybe this time I didn’t do so good, maybe I didn’t love you the right way, or hard enough, or strong enough when you were standing in front of me, for any wrong doing and lack on my part I ask your forgiveness.
It is my goal that you know how greatly you were and continue to be loved…. I think you already know these things so I should say it is my desire that I am able to hold your soul in mine and know you also feel these things.
Of my friends and family I ask that today, you do one small random act of kindness for another, Deanna was giving and filed with kindness, this world needs more of that.
In those acts her legacy will live on.
Peace, Love and Light
Re

I sit with my hands hovered over the keys that hold the power to unlock so much, for so many, and there is an ache in my fingers to fly over the letters we learned so long ago, the words yearning to be set free.


It's been a few years since I have written, you know like really on a consistent basis written, let the words come as they will. There has been a time here or there, but then I allowed things to bind my hands, my words, my thoughts and ultimately my beliefs.  Grief, stress, sadness, over abundance of commitments, the list could go on and on and on. I really shouldn't let that happen because then when I find the slightest little crack in the chains, my emotions erupt like a volcano. Fun times... not.


I know that the lessons being learned were contracted to me before this human experience even began, but I can tell you, that does not make the lessons any less ouchie. Even in the knowing, the feelings that I made a wrong turn years and years ago, or maybe it was in a different life, or maybe it wasn't even MY wrong turn, bubble up in my saddest of days when I allow the costume of strength, courage and just all around OKedness (yes I made that up) to fall to the ground. It's never pretty.


Why do I do this, why do I allow myself to be muted? Because, I have to be all the things to all the people and I can't be all the things if I am anything other than what everyone else needs me to be! Remember that wrong turn I mentioned...  still making it.


What I can tell you right now, today, this very second, if this part of my journey ended, it would be alright. That does not mean I hate my life, my life is good. I have a wonderful man, family, friends, job, it's not a bad place to be, if only it was not shadowed in the constant grief. That grief has a cast of darkness on everything. While I know it shouldn't, it does. It does not matter that I know what is done is done, or what is ... just is.  Knowing does not make it hurt differently and knowing does not make it any easier on anyone who loves me. Yea I see you tip toeing or holding the words you would other wise say, I wish you wouldn't, you are binding yourself in my grief and one person bound is enough.


I shared this weekend with another soulful being that I was waking up at night with my arms crossed tightly over my chest as if I was trying to protect myself. It is likely that I have been in protection mode for years in some capacity or another, but now feeling the physical manifestation and the actual pain and tiredness in my  arm when I wake up it is a bit too much too over look. It is time to explore, it is time to unlock, it is time to actually set myself free.


I don't necessarily know all of the needed steps to do that just yet, but I know that writing is one of them, it has been shown that the words I have to share are needed, they are important. I also feel deep inside that I have to stop hiding, stop hiding behind the fat, the food, the booze. I have to stop hiding and start moving.  In order to get out of the shadow, one must stop hiding in the depths of it and move directly out into the light.  What will be.. is just like what is.. already done.  So the choice to hide and stay rooted in sadness is likely doing nothing to protect at all. What is there to lose?

To my friends, my family, my people, I love each and every one of you whole-heartedly and completely. You are appreciated! I see you patiently waiting, I see reach out, I see you. I thank you. Please know I will be OK. Likely in for a little turbulence because I doubt that the walk to the light is going to be easy breezy.. but what I lack in strength and courage I make up for in hardheadedness, so I will get there.

May tomorrow.... 222... be a day of celebration of not only Deanna's birth, but a Re-birth as well... see what I did there? Allow the colors to shine through and be part of all that she was, all that she is, and all that she will continue to be.


Peace, love and light,

Re


~There are not spells for many sorrows in this world, and death is one of them. You can not bring back those who have stepped into the next world....   Alice Hoffman