9. Today is a combo blog post and daily social media spindle. Get it.. spindle not as big as a post? I kill me. The terms are both fitting simply because they both are accountable to hold things up, my writing and post both hold me up and accountable, I fall all kinds of apart when I don't write.
Today is filled with some goodness which has to be a welcome relief to many.*warning there is still deep deep sadness. First I am going to start each daily spindle with a positive, and I got a handy dandy little notebook (yes Tee I bought yet another little notebook… two to be exact) to write each of those positives in, like by hand… with ink. While I completely enjoy typing my posts and do not feel that it leads to anything less personal, there is something a bit more magical in the art of handwriting. If I write a note and look at it years later I can even tell you my mood at the time as my handwriting has a shift, anyone else do this?
Positive: I have a huge support group! I have people that love me and my life matters to them. I am not simply speaking of immediate family (who I love dearly…) I am talking about cousins, high school friends, some even grade school, bootcamp friends, work friends, and honestly some friends that I have never met face to face, some of you I don’t even know where you came from, you were just… there. Make new friends, but keep the old… (I broke out in song there…. Will share at the end)
The point is, while I have felt so lonely, I have never been alone. So yesterday as many of you know I bit the bullet got on the scale and took full on body pics, because I needed to. I have to be accountable to myself, and while it was what I consider shameful to post, so many others commented that they are in the same boat. Guys I see you! I feel you! I understand your frustrations and obstacles. Nee.. you mentioned work and how you eat during the day, mine is work, not taking a break to hardly even stand for 10 to 12 hours and then eating the same thing I fix for my dad to GAIN weight. OPM.. you mentioned you cried in the shower, I cried in my jeep. Jerr…. you mentioned mourning and covid, GIRL SAME down to the pound! Lynne… you mentioned you lost it and swore you wouldn’t gain it back, right here not only on the same boat but using the same paddle! I could keep going with this for an entire post but I think you get the picture, while the situations were not identical, they all had a common core, none of us felt we were the best us we could be. I am so sorry that any of you feel this way, but I am so utterly proud of each of you for opening up, for coming forward, to offer words of comfort and unity. I am hopeful that through this journey we can help each other. I am going to back up to a few darker moments and then move forward because things just need to be said and remembered for the future.
We all know that I have been saying.. I’m good! I’m fine! I got this, short of a few scattered sad posts I thought I was holding it together pretty good. Operative word there “thought”. Nothing behind the wall of “I’m good! I’m fine! I got this” was fine and the very moment I allowed myself to not be consumed by the chaos of everything around me it all came flooding out, and crashed through any and all goodness that had ever been planted. People talk about rock bottom, typically in conversations about addiction, but what about in other aspects of life? I know in most circles rock bottom is losing it all, family, homes, friends, etc. but what if you lost yourself. I am not talking about for a moment, I think sometimes we all do that, but I mean for days, weeks, months… years. It’s been years since I have felt like me. Like the motions of life were just that motions, without the emotion. To me, rock bottom, was the realization that I am not living or even been trying to, and that to be quite blunt the only thing you have been trying to do is die. I tried to find a term for someone who had no regard for their own life but the only things that popped were sociopath and psychopath, neither which fit the scenario, so the term I have come up with is, "Done". And done I was, when you wake up in the morning, without gratitude for life and your first thought of the day is… “well shit” that is most definitely rock fucking bottom.
I shared with a friend that, my life has no joy. Hear me out here, there is happiness. I can be happy for you, I can smile, I can laugh, I can show you all outward signs of the emotion, however, feeling the feeling inside is just not there. I googled how I could portray happiness yet have no joy the answer was pretty straightforward, joy is an inner feeling and happiness is an outward expression and in side I feel empty. I know in my heart that this feeling is directly related to Deanna's accident... death damnit death (I heard my Aunt Reedie in my head then...)... her journey left this big huge gaping hole in me and anything else good inside leaked out with it.
Do you know what happens when you have a huge gigantic hole in yourself? You try to fill it, with whatever is easily obtainable, for me that was massive quantities of grief, food, alcohol, and chaos, but just like refined sugar they were empty of any nutritional or wholesome emotional value and ultimately have only left the hole craving more and more and more, stretching the hole and my waistline in the process. Why do we keep going back to the bad things, because they are easy! Lets take my food analogy and use that, you know what is easy.. grabbing a pop tart, you know what takes work.. making eggs and a side of bacon. You know what is easier than feeling sadness or grief, drinking a bottle of wine, or 4. Anyone who watches TV are programmed to reach for hole fillers. The wine commercial, everyone looks so happy and beautiful, they don't show the sloppy drunk lady in tears that she just wants to die. The sugary carby fatty foods commercials, everyone has it so together and are happily bustling about their beautiful lives because they cut minutes out of their day by picking up take out or grabbed that premade box of breakfast, they don't show the fat lady sitting in a recliner with crumbs on her size 3x shirt. It is so much easier to sit in your stew of sadness, guilt, self hatred, than to put in the work to feel something better. I don't remember who said to me once "anything worth having takes work", the problem with this is work is hard and work doesn't sell, so we just don't see it like the flashy hole expanders. Just like it takes work to make a better breakfast, I am going to have to work to fill this hole back up with better. It's time for some reprogramming, it's time to fill up the hole with good things and allow it to shrink. (and hopefully my waist in the process)
I remember joy before that day in April. I even remember joy at simply completing a 5 k, joy and pride in what I had accomplished. I remember a time that a hug could spread warmth through me. Did you know that I actually hate being touched now? That it hurts? It is like pin pricks, and not the good tingly kind. More like the my foot has fallen asleep and now I have to stand on it kind. I have to mentally prepare, sometimes on short notice, that something is going to touch me. As strange as it sounds I have to wonder if it is because the act of physically feeling is directly related to being alive and if I feel you physically I should be feeling something emotionally. Ponderings for another day. But I do remember feelings existing, so that means that there is hope that they can be felt again.
One of the things that has been bouncing around in my head for the last 9 days is something my dad said on Valentine's Day. We were going out to dinner and I jokingly said that he would need to sit in the back so I could sit by Ed. I typically let him take the front as it is more comfortable and he can talk. His response was "The back is just fine, because being in the back means there is no were else to go but forward." Last night as I was diving into my new book Fit Gurl.. right there on page 16 "The best thing about starting F-A-R down the ladder is that you can only get better" Click... link... this book is for me. There is no other place to go from rock bottom but up, and the only person that can get me back up completely is me, sure love and support helps tremendously but if you aren't willing to reach for what is being given it is of little to no use. It's so hard to grasp a hand reaching for you, when you can't look up.
As I went to my mom's yesterday to retrieve my book, she had a gift for me as well, another book. The boy, the mole, the fox and the horse. I had to rush out to my jeep and grab my phone to show mom that the picture I had chosen for this blog post, it was from THAT BOOK! "Sometimes your mind plays tricks on you. It can tell you you're no good, that it's all hopeless. But remember this; you are loved, and important, and you bring to this world things no one else can. So hold on" CLICK.. LINK!
I made a comment off handedly that I didn't want to invite friends over this weekend, even though it had been two weeks since I had done so, which is unusual for me, because I just wasn't up to dealing with it. I made plans to grab a few groceries and dinner out with dad and Ed and wouldn't you now it. A friend texted and said, "Hey we haven't seen you guys in awhile, can we meet for dinner?" CLICK... LINK.
There have been so many other little things just in the last few days that I am afraid it will take me the remainder of the week to capture them, Ed is already a little concerned about the length of this as it has taken me 4 hours to write, hey... sometimes these things take pondering as well as typing. The point is little things are falling into the hole, little links to a chain.. maybe they were all along but I was so blinded by looking down that I didn't see them coming from above. Now that I have hit the bottom of the down, there just is nothing left to fear. I know there have been times before I have peaked out from under the covers but those times there was not the end under my feet. So while you may be thinking.. "criminy here she goes again" to me or anyone else who is trying to figure their way in life, I must ask you, is it how many times or far we have fallen or the number of times we have tried to get back up that counts?
I know this post is long, (if you are still here I am humbled) and believe me I have spent a long time writing it, but it deserved to be written. I hope that in my words someone finds themselves not alone. That maybe they find the strength or courage to look up before their thought upon waking isn't "well shit" or "It's finally over". I also know that my words are hard to read, even understand for some, because the battle is not one you have been cursed with, those of you that can't understand, be thankful, but be supportive of those around you that do.
As I started this post I will end this post, stating that I do have a support system, probably one like no other and it is a blessing. I have friends that have reached out and are working with me on my "fitness" goals by helping me rebuild a foundation. I have others that have reached out, just saying "Hey girl, you aren't alone". Some have posted booked to read and even gifted them. While I am no where near the top of this hole, I have felt a shift inside of me. One that I can't recall having before, so I am declaring this time is the time and that night it did end and now the only place left to go is better.
Back to the little song that flew threw my mind early...
Make new friends, but keep the old.
One is silver, the other is gold.
A circle is round, it has no end.
That's how long, I will be your friend.
A fire burns bright, it warms the heart.
We've been friends, from the very start.
You have one hand, I have the other.
Put them together, we have each other.
Silver is precious, gold is too.
I am precious, and so are you.
You help me and I'll help you
and together we will see it through.
The sky is blue.
The Earth is green
I can help to keep it clean
Across the land, Across the sea
Friends forever we will always be
Peace, Love and Light