It's been a few years since I have written, you know like really on a consistent basis written, let the words come as they will. There has been a time here or there, but then I allowed things to bind my hands, my words, my thoughts and ultimately my beliefs. Grief, stress, sadness, over abundance of commitments, the list could go on and on and on. I really shouldn't let that happen because then when I find the slightest little crack in the chains, my emotions erupt like a volcano. Fun times... not.
I know that the lessons being learned were contracted to me before this human experience even began, but I can tell you, that does not make the lessons any less ouchie. Even in the knowing, the feelings that I made a wrong turn years and years ago, or maybe it was in a different life, or maybe it wasn't even MY wrong turn, bubble up in my saddest of days when I allow the costume of strength, courage and just all around OKedness (yes I made that up) to fall to the ground. It's never pretty.
Why do I do this, why do I allow myself to be muted? Because, I have to be all the things to all the people and I can't be all the things if I am anything other than what everyone else needs me to be! Remember that wrong turn I mentioned... still making it.
What I can tell you right now, today, this very second, if this part of my journey ended, it would be alright. That does not mean I hate my life, my life is good. I have a wonderful man, family, friends, job, it's not a bad place to be, if only it was not shadowed in the constant grief. That grief has a cast of darkness on everything. While I know it shouldn't, it does. It does not matter that I know what is done is done, or what is ... just is. Knowing does not make it hurt differently and knowing does not make it any easier on anyone who loves me. Yea I see you tip toeing or holding the words you would other wise say, I wish you wouldn't, you are binding yourself in my grief and one person bound is enough.
I shared this weekend with another soulful being that I was waking up at night with my arms crossed tightly over my chest as if I was trying to protect myself. It is likely that I have been in protection mode for years in some capacity or another, but now feeling the physical manifestation and the actual pain and tiredness in my arm when I wake up it is a bit too much too over look. It is time to explore, it is time to unlock, it is time to actually set myself free.
I don't necessarily know all of the needed steps to do that just yet, but I know that writing is one of them, it has been shown that the words I have to share are needed, they are important. I also feel deep inside that I have to stop hiding, stop hiding behind the fat, the food, the booze. I have to stop hiding and start moving. In order to get out of the shadow, one must stop hiding in the depths of it and move directly out into the light. What will be.. is just like what is.. already done. So the choice to hide and stay rooted in sadness is likely doing nothing to protect at all. What is there to lose?
To my friends, my family, my people, I love each and every one of you whole-heartedly and completely. You are appreciated! I see you patiently waiting, I see reach out, I see you. I thank you. Please know I will be OK. Likely in for a little turbulence because I doubt that the walk to the light is going to be easy breezy.. but what I lack in strength and courage I make up for in hardheadedness, so I will get there.
May tomorrow.... 222... be a day of celebration of not only Deanna's birth, but a Re-birth as well... see what I did there? Allow the colors to shine through and be part of all that she was, all that she is, and all that she will continue to be.
Peace, love and light,
~There are not spells for many sorrows in this world, and death is one of them. You can not bring back those who have stepped into the next world.... Alice Hoffman