Another bootcamp finished this morning. 6 weeks. Wasn't my best 6 weeks and wasn't my worst 6 weeks. I may have missed a day here or there but I made it up at another class so go me. Today was no different than any other day for me.. in the back huffing and puffing, but it was quite ok I was out there doing it. I have come up with a way that I can safely work out every day the next 6 weeks without plain exhausting myself and scheduled in a way that hopefully the darkness wont' have time to talk me into staying in bed.  So go me!

I think it is no secret the last month or so have been absolute hell on me... again. I am still for the most part unmedicated, with the exception of the occasional Xanax so I can quiet the monsters and sleep. Three dear friends have died, three people that were major avenues of love and support, their loss is very painful. Two cousins are very ill and I am not close enough to be a help. Made a huge mistake of unblocking someone on Facebook for the good of a Challenge and that only caused massive amounts of aggravation and hurt.  I have placed myself in situations I thought I was ready for but clearly am not. Funerals... fairs... facebook.. All of these things have added up to an abundance of stress and negative thinking. I stopped writing about my feelings about the same time, maybe a little sooner, another mistake. While working out releases some of the pain, writing releases on another level. I knew I would be bashed for what I wrote, personally I don't really care anymore, the truth is the truth. I was hurt, someone hurt me and made this my life, so I write about it. The thing is... they aren't sorry they did what they did, they are just sorry I tell it. I am a writer, I write about my life, my feelings. my past, my future, you all have a role in that, it is YOUR choice if you write a love story on my life or a horror story.

Those of you who wrote horror and more turmoil in my life... well you suck, I hope you find some kind of happiness in hurting others because deep down I think your lives must be miserable. To those of you who wrote love my arms (look that up if you have time today.. twloha) you guys are AMAZING!!!! You have lifted me up when I was down, walked beside me when I could, cried with me when I hurt, smiled and laughed with me on the rare moments life was ok. You guys did your best to understand a horrible situation, one that is impossible for anyone to understand exactly what it is like, but you guys have seriously tried.

I have found that even other Angel Mommy's don't understand exactly what each other feel, it is something we have all come to terms with that no one is ever going to completely understand. All of our lives with our babies were different.. some longer.. some shorter.. some instant loss.. some lingering.. it is all different. So for you guys who are trying so hard to understand where I am and what I am going through I TRULY appreciate it, because it is no easy task.

There is another group of people out there I need to reach out to, those that are in pain, those that want the pain to stop, the sadness to disappear, the darkness to subside, I may not be in good shape myself but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not hesitate to reach out to someone. Me, a friend, a stranger, anyone. I get it.. I truly do, and I will be there for anyone, anytime, any place. Just call me.. email me.. facebook me.. (804-854-1753.. ann.marie.haywood@gmail.com) Yup I just publicly posted my phone number and email. I care about you that much.

Yesterday after writing my blog something beautiful happened, the out pouring of love was yet again amazing. Dear friends reaching out saying they just cried because for a moment they felt the pain in my words, complete strangers offering gifts of support and advise, other angel mom's letting me know they had been on a similar journey and they had asshats in their lives too. Again through my writing I was allowed a few minutes of peace and hope. Hope that I will not forever be this hurt and angry. Hope that I will one day be able to not just survive but live again. Hope that there is a future and asshats or at the very least the issues they cause will just disappear.

A very beautiful thing happened late last night at work. We were closed, all customers had left except for two ladies lingering over coffee. They kindly did not mind if we cleaned up around them and closed up shop. At the end of their time together they got up from the booth and were looking around and one of the ladies came up with this bright beautiful smile on her face and stated.. "I am buying this!"

Beautiful isn't she? I believe you would be shocked to see the actual woman and this mermaid. They look incredibly similar but I will not post her photo without her permission. While I was ringing her up, she walked away for a moment and her friend says to me "It reminds her of her daughter, she passed away when she was 15." I just stood there for a moment because I never really know what to say and finally I said "My son was 15.. my daughter was 19.." and the lady pipes up and says.." wait I know you!" Sure enough through a round about way we figured out that she did indeed know me and her friend rejoined the conversation. We discussed tattoos for our kids, how long it had been, how it still was incredibly painful, how our daughters had matching bricks on the memory walk way at church... This beautiful mermaid that my beautiful friend Elly Ehrnst painted not only brought too angel mom's together it gave one of them amazing joy to have found something so beautiful that reminded them of their daughter. Elly your work is not only amazing it is healing hearts, for this I LOVE YOU!!!!

Just a chance encounter during a shift I didn't even want or have the energy to go to yesterday brought so much healing to my heart. THERE IS HOPE that one day I will be able to look at an object and think that reminds me of my baby without crying, that there will be joy where there is sadness.

There is one more little awesome thing that happened this morning. Deanna's aunt Sherrie was posting family photos on facebook and I thought to myself that she probably didn't have many of Deanna so I sent her a few. She asked me to send her one of Deanna and her Daddy Carlton. I didn't have one I was sad to tell her. In all the months since the accident I have not been able to find one single photo of them together. I took a few minutes today to look for others that Sherrie may enjoy.. and look what appeared. There is going to be one happy man in New Point today!

Sadness, hurt and anger do not go away over night. It is so easy for people to say.. think happy positive thoughts. Yea screw you.. lol. My point is it didn't take just one person spewing their evilness at me to make me so hurt..  it took many.. it didn't just take one negative act.. it took hundreds. It isn't going to take a day to undo what has been done.. it is going to take a life time. I can be hated for the words I write, that is fine.. but maybe just maybe instead of throwing stones out of your glass house at me you should look in a mirror, you are far from perfect. Me... as long as I have my friends and family that know the true art of kindness, love, and compassion.. not only will I be ok during the rotten days I will be amazing during the good ones!

Thought of the day...
Life will show you what there is to live for even when you aren't looking.

You know what is the most awesome thing about that smile? It's real. I remember this day like it was yesterday, we were off on a cemetery hunt. Found it, we knew were it was, but just a few silly things happened when we were together that day. I am so grateful she went with me and I forever captured her beautiful smile. I have so many photos that I just have not had the heart to go through. One day.

One day. That is the answer to most everything now. One day I won't be sad. One day I won't be tired. One day my entire body won't hurt. One day I won't cry. One day I will sleep. One day this.. One day that. Most importantly .. One day it will stop hurting.

I do realize that a lot people think I should be "ok" by now. I'm not. Maybe I am just prone to depression and it is lingering longer.. or maybe they don't know a thing about major traumatic losses and are just talking out their nose. Either way it is massively hurtful that some people think I should be ok. How will I ever be ok? What is ok even? It's those people that don't even realize their words resonate in my brain and refuse to leave. I still keep hearing "She doesn't grieve properly I won't condone it", "Deanna didn't even have a mom", "No I am not going to be there for you, I have more important things to do". It's the mean and hateful words that never leave me. They over power the I love yous, I am here for yous, You are beautifuls, you are neededs. Imagine living in a world of darkness, where you KNOW there is light trying desperately to get to you but the darkness is more powerful.

The darkness is affecting everything. My work. My friends. My exercise. My Challenge. My family. My Dogs. EVERY DAMN THING!!!! I think about those commercial for depression medication now and I realize.. holy shit.. it's real. I really don't want to get out of bed, or do things I used to enjoy, or be with people who love me. I really do feel useless and worthless. Over all things in this world I was supposed to be a mother, I may not have been a great one, but I was one.. now part of that is gone and I will never be able to be completely a mom again. And if ONE MORE PERSON says but at least you have the boys.. well.. I won't be responsible for my actions. Yes I know I have them, yes I know they need me, Yes I know I need them.. but for the Love of God which one of your children would you like to give away, never to see them again.. because AT LEAST YOU HAVE OTHERS!

Some of the things I have learned about myself.. I can't have a schedule of any kind when it comes to working out. Lord knows I am trying but so many mornings, I haven't slept, my whole body aches from tossing and turning, or crying, or maybe it is just the sadness that has sunk way down in my bones. I hate having to answer the question .. "Where were you today?" It is no longer a truthful.. oh I overslept. When I don't show up.. it's because I physically could not make myself get up and get dressed. I wanted to.. I always want to, but the desire to actually do it and the darkness that says.. you are just going to be last anyway.. or why do you even go you are just slowing everyone down.. or you are just going to make everyone sad. Other days.. I get up I go I fight through it and I feel better. You know what is bad about it, even though I KNOW it will make me feel better in the end... it doesn't do a thing to the demons that play over and over in my head.

Another thing,.. people affect me WAY too much. I don't know if it is because I actually am a caring person and what others think and say just cut me down deep or if I am just stupid. I still can't read comments or posts by certain people without it sending me over the edge and wanting to say.. you are such a selfish lying piece of crap. Hateful yes... truthful yes... I want them to feel what I do JUST ONE DAY... yes. When you are that self absorbed into yourself you have zero compassion, and no empathy, and you do not have the capability to truly love or be there for anyone. The sad stupid thing.. I watched this happen to people in the past.. never thinking well crap she will do this to me too.   I still get INCREDIBLY ANGRY when I see the lady that on the day of Deanna's accident said that if it weren't for my mother she would not have had a mother at all. I saw her recently... I still want to punch her in the face. I still regret having the preacher lady do Deanna's service.. I would give anything to have been thinking correctly and just said NO NO NO this is NOT what I want for my daughter at all. Instead I am haunted with the memory of the disservice she did my beautiful daughter. Also dealing with the people that are just so into themselves that they coach others to defriend me because I said and I quote "I do not want to talk about it" just makes my life so much better! People are asshats.  I wish I could be the one that showed them what true hurt and loss really was just so they would understand the excess devastation they caused because I REALLY don't need this shit.

Even though I have cut all of these people out of my life, the crap they have done.. it so over shadows all the good in this world. Isn't that insane? As badly as I want the light to shine.. it is overshadowed with these idiots. Yes I am sick of them playing any kind of part in my world.. even though the part they play is now just rotten memories. Why would I waste my time on people like this???? Why did I allow them in my life??? What did I do to make them be so incredibly hateful that they would prefer to do some trivial activity inside of being there to help when I had hit rock bottom??

Yup.. this is me.. the depressed angry soul.. I stopped writing because it is the same old crap over and over and over. There are no new words. Just the repeat of a madness. So many people say just let it go.. get over it.. IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY WITH ME. Those voices are all over my head.. basically saying to me that I am a worthless, useless, terrible soul. I don't know what it will take to make it stop .. to make the anger and hurt go away. I have thought about moving away.. just starting over again. Where no one knows me.. so when they meet me they won't have any desire for me to be the old Re again. They would just think this is how I always was.. I have thought of a lot of things.. but mainly...

Why am I alive if I can't even live?