One day. That is the answer to most everything now. One day I won't be sad. One day I won't be tired. One day my entire body won't hurt. One day I won't cry. One day I will sleep. One day this.. One day that. Most importantly .. One day it will stop hurting.
I do realize that a lot people think I should be "ok" by now. I'm not. Maybe I am just prone to depression and it is lingering longer.. or maybe they don't know a thing about major traumatic losses and are just talking out their nose. Either way it is massively hurtful that some people think I should be ok. How will I ever be ok? What is ok even? It's those people that don't even realize their words resonate in my brain and refuse to leave. I still keep hearing "She doesn't grieve properly I won't condone it", "Deanna didn't even have a mom", "No I am not going to be there for you, I have more important things to do". It's the mean and hateful words that never leave me. They over power the I love yous, I am here for yous, You are beautifuls, you are neededs. Imagine living in a world of darkness, where you KNOW there is light trying desperately to get to you but the darkness is more powerful.
The darkness is affecting everything. My work. My friends. My exercise. My Challenge. My family. My Dogs. EVERY DAMN THING!!!! I think about those commercial for depression medication now and I realize.. holy shit.. it's real. I really don't want to get out of bed, or do things I used to enjoy, or be with people who love me. I really do feel useless and worthless. Over all things in this world I was supposed to be a mother, I may not have been a great one, but I was one.. now part of that is gone and I will never be able to be completely a mom again. And if ONE MORE PERSON says but at least you have the boys.. well.. I won't be responsible for my actions. Yes I know I have them, yes I know they need me, Yes I know I need them.. but for the Love of God which one of your children would you like to give away, never to see them again.. because AT LEAST YOU HAVE OTHERS!
Some of the things I have learned about myself.. I can't have a schedule of any kind when it comes to working out. Lord knows I am trying but so many mornings, I haven't slept, my whole body aches from tossing and turning, or crying, or maybe it is just the sadness that has sunk way down in my bones. I hate having to answer the question .. "Where were you today?" It is no longer a truthful.. oh I overslept. When I don't show up.. it's because I physically could not make myself get up and get dressed. I wanted to.. I always want to, but the desire to actually do it and the darkness that says.. you are just going to be last anyway.. or why do you even go you are just slowing everyone down.. or you are just going to make everyone sad. Other days.. I get up I go I fight through it and I feel better. You know what is bad about it, even though I KNOW it will make me feel better in the end... it doesn't do a thing to the demons that play over and over in my head.
Another thing,.. people affect me WAY too much. I don't know if it is because I actually am a caring person and what others think and say just cut me down deep or if I am just stupid. I still can't read comments or posts by certain people without it sending me over the edge and wanting to say.. you are such a selfish lying piece of crap. Hateful yes... truthful yes... I want them to feel what I do JUST ONE DAY... yes. When you are that self absorbed into yourself you have zero compassion, and no empathy, and you do not have the capability to truly love or be there for anyone. The sad stupid thing.. I watched this happen to people in the past.. never thinking well crap she will do this to me too. I still get INCREDIBLY ANGRY when I see the lady that on the day of Deanna's accident said that if it weren't for my mother she would not have had a mother at all. I saw her recently... I still want to punch her in the face. I still regret having the preacher lady do Deanna's service.. I would give anything to have been thinking correctly and just said NO NO NO this is NOT what I want for my daughter at all. Instead I am haunted with the memory of the disservice she did my beautiful daughter. Also dealing with the people that are just so into themselves that they coach others to defriend me because I said and I quote "I do not want to talk about it" just makes my life so much better! People are asshats. I wish I could be the one that showed them what true hurt and loss really was just so they would understand the excess devastation they caused because I REALLY don't need this shit.
Even though I have cut all of these people out of my life, the crap they have done.. it so over shadows all the good in this world. Isn't that insane? As badly as I want the light to shine.. it is overshadowed with these idiots. Yes I am sick of them playing any kind of part in my world.. even though the part they play is now just rotten memories. Why would I waste my time on people like this???? Why did I allow them in my life??? What did I do to make them be so incredibly hateful that they would prefer to do some trivial activity inside of being there to help when I had hit rock bottom??
Yup.. this is me.. the depressed angry soul.. I stopped writing because it is the same old crap over and over and over. There are no new words. Just the repeat of a madness. So many people say just let it go.. get over it.. IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY WITH ME. Those voices are all over my head.. basically saying to me that I am a worthless, useless, terrible soul. I don't know what it will take to make it stop .. to make the anger and hurt go away. I have thought about moving away.. just starting over again. Where no one knows me.. so when they meet me they won't have any desire for me to be the old Re again. They would just think this is how I always was.. I have thought of a lot of things.. but mainly...
Why am I alive if I can't even live?