GOOD MORNING MY LOVES! Happy beautiful day to you all. Running a little late this morning. Not sure why but it is what it is. My alarm went of 40 minutes ago and I got up.. I have no earthly idea what I did with that time, but I can tell you what I did with 14 minutes and some odd seconds yesterday.. I struggled HARD. It was literally one of my worst runs in weeks, as in I couldn't even RUN! Sure we can blame the heat but I don't think it was that at all. I think my body was just tired, even walking out the lane I had the thought to myself, "huh.. I don't feel quite right.." but I quickly brushed that aside and went on out anyway.

I got to my run start point did a few twists and stretches, and off I went. Instantly I was like.. "This doesn't feel like Monday at all!" And BOOM ALL IN MY HEAD. You see this was to be the run that I ran the whole mile. I couldn't wait for the end of the day, was excited for it and here my legs were failing me. It was literally my legs, my calves were cramping, my shins were screaming (i have no idea why that has not happened in WEEKS) my knees were aching, and my head was going you "dumb fat broad.. you will never be able to run" I QUICKLY went from excitement to disappointment and a A LOT of self criticism, it got no better at all when I realized that I was not even going to be able to run a half of the mile! I .. *gasp* walked 6 times in that first half a mile and then stopped and tried to stretch thinking that would help. No go.. I walked 6 times in my second half of the mile too!

By the time I hit the 1 mile mark, so many things had happened in my head. I never wanted to run again (not true). I am so fat that I shouldn't be running (not true). I am never going to get any better (most definitely NOT TRUE) You are not ever going to run a mile again much less a 5k or a half (MOST ASSUREDLY NOT TRUE). You are just lazy (my limp back home proved that was a lie) the list went ON AND ON AND ON!

Want to know why I am sharing all of this with you when it is highly unlikely you give two craps about how my 14 minutes and some seconds went yesterday? To show you something. There are 1,440 minutes in a day. That 14 minutes of a horrible run is exactly 1% of the day. Do you see that... let me repeat ONE PERCENT! That would be like having a dollar in pennys and all but one of them is pretty and shiny and because ONE is tarnished and ugly you throw the whole dollar away, instead of trying to shine up that penny. We do that, I do that, A LOT. I let that one penny spread it's tarnish to every single penny in my day. Something crappy happens.. BAD DAY. When no.... that is not what should happen, we should .. I should.. allow the other moments in the day to help shine up that bad time.  I did that yesterday, even though I whined on facebook about my ridiculously awful 14 minutes. I quickly realized how stupid it was, I went right along about my day and painted up the deck (she is looking good by the way) As I was painting I realized how sore my legs were, oh I don't know maybe all those squat holds while trying to paint the day before had them a bit tired, and before long I was already talking to myself about the things I need to do to shine up those 14 minutes next time. Wear my running capris, ensure that my legs are UP for a run and not just a walk, maybe go to the y and run when it is over 80, and before long it wasn't a bad run it is was a learning experience in the journey.

I am still excited for my running journey. I still plan on that 5 k by July and a half in October. I still have some cleaning of things I don't need, self doubt, criticism, disappointment in the journey etc etc, but I am excited to say that even though some of them came out of the boxes yesterday and tried to spread in my mind like tribbles I quickly gathered them all up and stuffed them back in their boxes and went right along with my shiny 99 cents!

Signing off today with this, do you let a penny outshine your 99 cents? Think of a time that you did this, today if a tarnish pops up allow yourself the minute to examine it.. then shine it up and throw it right in with the rest.

Peace Love and Light

Re

Hey my loves! Happy Hump Day we have made it half way to Friday! Well by noon anyway.. but we are getting there.

Isn't that the way with life.. always getting there? I am struggling this week with balancing, but I am getting there. I didn't work out yesterday I chose to stain the deck because frankly I cringe every time I look outside. I can't stand the project half done it is driving me BONKERS to look at. They were also calling for rain on Friday (now that has diminished) so I thought I better get it done while the weather was beautiful.

Great plan, but I had to shift things around. My work out yesterday being one of them. The good news is that leaves me time for a run on Saturday where I am not racing back to ... fill in the blank. The bad news I feel like a loser for not being able to fit it ALL in. I even texted with P yesterday about it trying to talk myself into it being the right and good thing, still as I laid down last night I was disappointed in myself. I didn't get the deck finished (I didn't have the right tools and frankly those post took FOREVER) I didn't get my work out in at all (I should have at least gone on my mile) You see where my head space was...

In truth, the time was NOT wasted at all. I got a pretty big section of the deck done and as I said those posts were not fun. Today I should be able to finish up with the color to be able to add in the white on Saturday. I will have time for my run, because I am MAKING the time. I will shorten my strength portion but I will get that in too. This balancing thing is a lot more difficult than I thought. It really is not as simple as I am not going to do X today so I can do Y. It is more like I will do this portion of X today tomorrow and Thursday so I can fit in some of Y at the same time so on Saturday we can do ABC. Maybe that algebra was needed after all!

So anyhoooo... today's post is super short, tomorrow's may be as well, so I can balance a little more of this in with work so I can get outside to do the things!

PS please don't suggest getting up earlier and doing my work out... I have been STRUGGLING when that alarm goes off at 5. I usually lay there until 530. If I set the alarm to 530 still I have an easier time of waking. I don't know my body is being weird. I also know I have to break this because from the looks of the weather I am going to need to get my runs in earlier VERY SOON.

Signing off with this.. Anyone have any tips on balancing? It is much more difficult than I imagined, especially when you write out your plan on Monday and by Tuesday you go .. well ok.. let's change it.

Peace Love and Light

Re

Good morning my beautiful friends! Wasn't yesterday just GORGEOUS?? Today is shaping up to be just as beautiful! I am excited for the pretty days, doing my runs and work outs right out side my door in such a beautiful setting is just so powerful to me! I could sit here all day and talk about the beauty out my window but  alas I am going to flip the script on this mornings chat to something a bit more... shameful.

I want to start with the fact that I usually have images in my head that I want to use with a post or I comb through matching inspirational quotes to go with my writing, I think most know that by now but this morning a song came up and I want to share a portion of it with you all today.

If you want to
I'll make you feel something real just to bother you
Now I got you
Under my thumb like a drug, I will smother you
I'll be the one, be the moon, be the sun
Be the rain in your song, go put that record on
If you want to
I'll be the one, be the tongue that will swallow you
Shame, shame, shame, shame  ~ Foo Fighters

I mean COME ON!!! How much truth can you pack in one little lyric! Shame will swallow up whole, if we allow it. I have been riding that shame train for so long it is hard to get off even though the conductor is screaming in my face that "THIS IS YOUR STOP!" I am all over here going "Naw... I think I will take another trip around just to make sure I got it all" Why do we do that??  It really ties directly into what we talked about yesterday, looking behind us and not being able to see ahead.

One of the topics that was on my bullet list is about atonement.  That I am in a constant state of searching for it for this overwhelming shameful acts that I performed throughout my life. Here I am all in my head being BOTH Septa Unella (the bell ringer if anyone doesn't know) AND Cersei (the woman in receipt of the walk of shame) and what for? Literally what were those horrible things I did that keep me in this constant state of battle with myself?

I was a bad little girl - I couldn't stay clean in a dress, in fact I hated them. I probably wanted attention when others were busy. "Why can't you... fill in blank."  WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?? Truth be told I was just a little girl who wasn't prim, proper, or quiet and no one knew what to really do with me and I had zero tools in my tool box.

I was a horrific teenager - I didn't listen, I broke curfew, I got in trouble, I ran around with an older crowd, I didn't and or couldn't concentrate in school and a whole host of other crap.  Ended up in therapy with the worlds absolute worst therapist in history, no one knew what the hell was wrong with me, just that something was wrong and boy did they let me know it. There was one time in my entire teenage existence that I felt safe and normal and unfortunately I didn't know how to verbalize it, because being there was bad, I was bad, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

This led right into young adulthood and kept right on bleeding until here I am at almost 50 still jacked up and constantly in my own head asking WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??

Nothing that is what, nothing is WRONG with me. I am who I am. I just never had the proper tools put in the tool box to deal with who I am so that voice of the adults around me as a child and in my younger years became the tools in my head and that is what I have been using to "fix" my problems all of this time.  Can you imagine using a jack hammer  to unclog a sink? Yup that's me!

I am all over here jack hammering the hell out of things, trying to fix what I messed up half a century ago. "I was a crap kid, let me make up for that now but doing all things for all peoples in my family! I got this, I can do it all! No No No you don't need to do a thing I got it ALL!" Inside my brain is going, "Please see me, please see that I am not bad." and they never are going to see that or tell me that I am not bad because they don't even realize that I think they think I am bad.

I could sit here all day long and go through situation after situation of how I am seeking atonement for so many things that are decades behind me.  With friends, with relationships, with jobs, with parenthood, with weight loss... oh lets hit on that one a second.

Do you know how shameful it is for me to be fat kid at bootcamp? Not because anyone makes me feel ashamed, but because my own HEAD DOES! There Septa is ringing that DAMN BELL THE WHOLE F'ING TIME! SHAME you can't run a mile. SHAME look how out of breath you are SHAME you have been doing this for 10 years and still fat SHAME you should be crushing marathons SHAME it's 10 push ups you wuss SHAME WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??

Want to know why? Because all of those preconceived notions in my own head that something is wrong with me. That I will never succeed, because I am bad. Or should I say.. "You are never going to amount to anything."  Even in my own work outs which are personal and unique to every single person I am still searching for .. for what? I honestly don't even know. External validation, but from who? and Why?

Yesterday I had the pleasure of talking to my beautiful friend about her up coming marathon. She has trained and trained and trained and next weekend she will absolutely crush that 26.2 miles without a doubt. I stood there yesterday talking to her about my half mile run earlier in the day and my plan to run a 5k by my birthday in July. I didn't feel shame in the conversation, in fact I was more excited about it and the work I have been putting in to get to that 5k. Here I am talking about how I hit a 8:30 something pace for like 3 seconds and I am excited about it and girl friend runs a mile in less than that. She was excited about my hitting that pace for even a second, not once did she make me feel less than, or that something was wrong with me that I couldn't run a mile. She supported and nurtured the conversation and I stood there talking about my half mile while she talked about her marathon like they were the same thing. How did that happen? Acceptance. Of not only each other but of our own unique journeys. It's a new tool in the tool box.

I am starting to see that I am going to have to accept that I am different, have always been different, that it is and was ok to be different. It is most definitely not something to be ashamed of or anything I need to make up for, I am now and I was then just me.

As for the jack hammer, I fully intend on using it ... at least once more... to destroy that damn bell!

Signing off with this, are you fighting at battle in your own mind about something "shameful" Is it something that you can take a different view on? Take a few minutes today.. (I said a few minutes.. set a timer if you have to so you don't get lost in it) and try to look at it with a new tool.

Peace Love and Light

Re

Happiest of Monday's to you all!

It's a beautiful new blank slate of a week. I am coming to terms with not looking backwards, I said COMING TO TERMS, not quite there yet but I am realizing that looking ahead is the way to success in all things.  Weight loss, grief, work, projects, relationships, not one of these will  progress, get any better, grow, or learn by looking at something you did in the then from where you are now. This is a three week old subject I have been muddling through.

When we do things we do it with the exact information we have at that moment. I am going to use buying a car as an example. Let's say that 5 years ago you needed a car to get to work but your job didn't pay a lot so you went out and found a ElCheapo that could get you to and from your job that was 5 miles from home that you could afford. Four years later, you land a much better job that pays much more money that is 60 miles from home. Your ElCheapo is struggling to keep up and breaking down more often than you would like and you start beating yourself up for purchasing the ElCheapo! "What was I thinking? Why did I waste so much money on this piece of crap? Now I have to go buy ANOTHER car and I was just getting on my feet!!! How stupid can I be?"  Wait.. what?? Sure you are in a spot right now and you will need to take action to make the situation better but 5 years ago you didn't HAVE the information to know that ElCheapo was not going to work for you four years later!  Not to mention you didn't have what you needed for any other option. ElCheapo served and did it's job well in the time that it was needed, yet here you are bashing poor ElCheapo instead of thanking it for being the stepping stone you needed for better things! 

Isn't this true with anything in life. We can only process and serve with the information and means we have at the moment, looking back on any time in question can only bring us heartache, the us we are at this moment, is not who we were then. Things change, people change, situations change and when we start looking at our ElCheapo from the mindset and means we are at today that is when we start questioning ourselves and beating ourselves up over "Bad Decisions". I am not saying I have not made Bad Decisions .. sure I have, haven't we all? But did any of us go into that situation thinking.. "OHHHH LOOK THIS IS A HORRENDOUS IDEA! LETS DO IT!" Doubtful. Yet here we are looking back over our shoulder berating ourselves.

I am not saying we should just forget our pasts, to do so would be a disservice to yourself and all who know you. How do we learn if we just choose to forget?  It's simple math really. Let's say we learn the number 2. Then we learn that 2 + 2 = 4 (ok forget all of that) someone hands us 2. Do we have 6 or are we right back at 2?  Because we forgot what we had learned we started right over having to learn 2. It's the same in life, we need to take what we learn and grow from it, what we don't need to do is continuously look behind us studying 2, we learned that already, YOU ARE NO LONGER THAT YOU!

Just a few examples I continuously look behind me on. 

I was a crap mom - unlikely, I may not have been June Cleaver but I loved my children and I did what I thought was best for them, even if that wasn't me sometimes.

I am never going to get over this grief - Likely but it doesn't have to continuously look the same either.

I am always going to be fat - Sure you will if you keep looking at what you were and not where and who you are now.

I make the stupidest choices - really? or were you just using the information available at the time to make that choice.

I am a horrible friend (because that one time in 3rd grade I laughed when someone tripped) - YOU WERE 8.. everyone does that!

I have looked backwards so long that it is hard for me to see myself as I am today. It is even hard to accept compliments on the me I am today. Lady Kismet has a look she throws (she compliments me just to see my reaction I think) when I do not thank her or agree with her compliment. If she gets a "Thanks but.." or "I don't feel that.." or "No that's not me" I get the look! It is in those moments that I realize I am not looking at the current me, I am looking over my shoulder. 

So what does this have to do with Monday anyway? It's simple really. Last week there was caution thrown to the wind, I did not stick to my routine etc etc etc but today I have the ability to wipe that slate clean, reorganize my plan and start over, WITHOUT just sitting here berating myself for eating the nachos! There is no point in looking back at that, it does not serve a purpose today, it has nothing to do with who I am or what I will be.

Signing off with this, do you allow yourself a clean slate when needed or do you spend your time focused on the dust of the past?

Peace Love and Light

Re

Happy Saturday morning my friends!

I realize that I was a little misleading in my post yesterday about the waiting 24 to 48 hours. It was specifically asked that I wait that long when writing about myself and work I was doing internally. For example if I wanted to pick apart that I am a chronic yes sayer that I should sit with it, my words, my thoughts, and only take notes on the topic, etc before sending it out to the universe, something about performance art and being truthful with our outward self.. I need to research it more because frankly I do not filter for audience but I get it, sorta.. not really. This is my journal and other than typo edited I don't go back and take out or add to.  Sure I could absolutely lock this sucker down and not one of you would see it, but again I know that there is some meaning to this madness that is my brain. Why provide me this gift if I was not supposed to use it?

Ahh crap I just answered myself on another dilemma I have been dealing with. "Why provide me with this gift if I was not supposed to use it?" I have been wrestling myself over a gift I was given and if it was right to share it with the intended receiver, but there it is.. I answered myself. I honestly don't think our gifts are made to be kept under lock and key. I don't think my ability to be open, raw, and honest is either. I am more concerned that if I write a post 48 hours ahead of time I would go back and edit for audience if I sat on a post or a topic for too long and then .. what am I.. fake. Millie Vanilli lip sync anyone?

Either way... I am going to give it a shot. If I hate it, if I see it is not working for me then I can always go back to creating salads versus the spaghetti sauce that has to simmer for days. I have so many pretty notebooks I am just going to grab one and pick one of the things from yesterday's bullets and mull it over in my head and jot down notes and clips and see what it does to my writing.

So on that note.. today we are going to talk about the Octopus because I have been simmering on that since Tuesday! I was having coffee with Lady Kismet Tuesday morning after our workout and she says to me.. "You know .. you're an octopus?" Now I have been called a LOT of things in my life but never an octopus so I was a bit taken back. I was all "Say what now?" She goes on to explain that the octopus has these long arms (I think they are really tentacles) and they are full of these little suckers and I have all of my arms stretched out in different directions and all of my suckers have latched right on and I am afraid to let go so I am stuck. DAMMMMMNNNN. She was right.

Even if we just take work as an example. I already have so much on my plate that I am literally overrun, if someone tosses something new my way I don't have the ability (yet) to say "I'm sorry that will not fit into my schedule" so I find or grow a new sucker and stick that on too!  It happened last night, I got a late evening message "Did I do so and so?" for the life of me I could not remember so I had to go back and check, turns out an email was sent a week ago, with no words just a report. So no I did not do anything with it, but damn if that thing isn't stuck right on one of my suckers this morning. I can't stop thinking about it and if I should go do it, or apologize for not doing it, if I should say something about the lack of communication in regards to it, it is STUCK RIGHT THERE IN THE MIDDLE OF MY SATURDAY MORNING! When what should have happened is I should have used the octopus defense mechanism and squirted some black ink at that shit and let it just stay out there until Monday.

I am still working through how to be less octopussy (giggle) but here I am on this beautiful Saturday going out to power wash a boat and a deck (which I have never in my life done) because I didn't have anything else in the world that should have been done today so I reached right out and wrapped my tentacle around that too!

Signing off today with this, why in the world could I have not been described as something just a little less sucky?? LOL What animal do you think of when you think of yourself and your situation?

Peace Love and Light

Re

Good morning my loves! Happy Friday!

I am so grateful it is Friday. I am tired. I have not really stuck to my workouts very well this week, I don't know if that is playing a roll in how I feel or if I am just emotionally exhausted. Like fall asleep while tanning exhausted (don't come at me... we all have our things) in a STAND UP BOOTH! I think KD knew I needed some sleep because for the 3rd morning in a row she has been laying on my phone, this morning I didn't even hear the alarm. I have no clue how my phone gets there because when I go to sleep it is under the pillow beside me. I even went to bed at 830 last night.. AGAIN!

My exhaustion could also be directly related to the intake of information yesterday during therapy. I have absolutely got to come up with a way to notate points that are made, because I can already see repeats are going to need to happen. The information is coming at me so fast that I feel like I am missing over half of it. There were quite a few take aways from yesterdays session and I am having a hard time processing them all. I am going to bullet list them now.

• All life is impermanent and we do not have the control over another's life or death.
  
• I have no self value or self trust
  
• I have been hauling a cart around picking up everyone else's baggage and carrying it with me even though the wheels are broken off of my cart
  
• There is a difference in caring for and caring about
  
• I am a pathological yes sayer
  
• I am not in charge or nor do I need to help everyone (side note on this one.. my mother put me in charge, who's mother put her in charge, who's mother put HER in charge!! literally goes back GENERATION AFTER GENERATION!! if you KNOW us you can SEE this.
  
• I am in a continuous search of atonement for something I didn't do or cause so it will never be fulfilled
  
• Some where through no fault of anyone's I didn't get what I needed emotionally (again likely a multi generational thing) because people just don't believe they are worthless and bad on their own and at 50 I am still trying to find that nurturing, again it will never happen so it is a pointless and exhausting plight. No matter what I do to "make up" for being a bad daughter, sister, mother etc etc etc it will not bring me any closer to feelings of worth.
  

There was more.. I know there was more because over the few minutes I have sat here I have had to go back and add to the list. So you see, it is a RAPID fire of info and no it is not her talking the whole time I talked way more than she did. So how do I capture this and process it? For me it is writing about it... but.... here is the kicker! She doesn't want me writing about things for 24 to 48 hours after they come to mind. Like the Moon Globe yesterday, we will use that as an example, she wants me to sit with how I felt about the moon globe for 24 to 48 hours before writing about it. I can take notes but not journal. I am having a really hard time with that right now.  For one thing.. in 24 to 48 hours I would likely forget I even OWNED a moon globe my brain is so mangled.  I use writing to untangle my thoughts, I can throw the sentence or thought there on the keyboard and sit with it, reading and working through it, but if it is in my head it is so intertwined with other thoughts they just don't make any sense.  I go back and read my own writings a few times a day just to understand myself. I am not sure how I am going to pull this off. 

The list right now.. it feels like a very large tangle of about 20 different yarns, and I don't know how to start processing any of it, without writing. When I stop writing the ball just gets bigger and bigger and bigger until it literally crushes me. To say I am a bit scared... understatement. To say I am exhausted.., understatement.

Signing off today with this... I got nothing..

Peace Love and Light

Re

Good morning my beauties.

As I sit here this morning and look out into the darkness of the morning I see my moon globe out by the tree. The little light is just barely visible in a small dot. The globe itself is not glowing at all. It's out of energy and juice from a long night of color changing beauty and brightness. It is time for it to recharge, today's sun will come along and provide it what it needs while it rests in the warmth of the day, then tonight it will be back glowing brightly as ever. Unless. Unless today is cloud a covered dreary day, then my little moon globe will not get the care it needs to be bright and beautiful tonight, it will struggle to shine. 

Aren't we all a little like the moon globe? Burning so brightly and beautifully until we need recharge? Unfortunately for many of us we find it very hard to allow ourselves the time to nurture ourselves back to full charge and we carry on our days struggling to shine only to rinse repeat day after day after day until our little glow is so small we barely have the energy to be. We need to be more like my little globe, we need to be vigilant in the times of recharge, we need to soak up the sun and all of the warmth so that we can shine brightly, because without a doubt a cloudy day will come along, as they do and we don't want one day of gray to turn our beauty off forever.

I want you to take a look at my photos really quick, do you see the one that looks like it was taken in a greenhouse, or a plant store display? That is my kitchen table this morning. (yes I realize I very well may have a plant problem... worry about youself Lucille) Yesterday a few people messaged me about covering my plants or bringing them in as we were expecting a cold snap and frost was possible. My first responses were, there is no way I can bring them in there are tooooo many (ps there are more than the picture.. again.. worry about you boo lol), so then it was cover them, and I was afraid they would break because they are so tiny right now, excuse excuse excuse, but in my brain I was thinking thinking thinking, how can I help my baby beauties?? What can I do to help keep them warm tonight so they may thrive and produce? Finally it came to me! Move the littles inside and for all of the larger pots outside flip the empty containers I have over on top of them! This would keep them protected and snuggly and warm so that today they can bask in the sun perfectly safe!  I am pretty sure that everything is a ok and they didn't get any frost, but I was determined to make sure they were going to be ok.

Here I am fretting over a plant that I may have paid 3 bucks for!! What can I do to make this little being survive a harshness of the world? And to say I was pleased when I came up with a solution is an understatement! I felt I had accomplished something! Now why in heavens name can I not do that with MYSELF?? Why do we find it so darn hard to give ourselves the basics of recharging and self nurturing? I promise you, it is on you, you have to pull this off for yourself. Don't get me twisted here please, yes others can and WILL come along and provide you a little of their glow to keep you going, if they didn't I would not have survived the last eight years, but that is their glow, not yours, it is not going to bring you to the full beauty that is to be you. We ... and I use the word we when I am completely meaning I but I just know I am not alone in this... have so much greatness in us, but through the rat race we have normalized the struggle to shine in some capacity, even if very dimly, 24 hours a day 7 days a week. It's time to break that cycle.

I have in the last few weeks started to nurture myself in a way that I  have not allowed or made excuses for over the last decade. I have eaten right, I have cut so far back on the alcohol consumption that it is more strange for me to drink a beer at the end of the day than to not, I have been working out, I have been taking my meds, I have made goals, I have surrounded myself with strong supportive people, I have reached out for help, I have continued to research and learn about where I am in life.... I have taken great strides in helping myself regain my glow.... except... I refuse to relax or rest. It is go go go go go all of the time. (Ed swears I am trying to kill him... he goes back to Richmond to work so he can REST) I am so afraid to slow down, that if I am not doing something to keep the glow shining that is just going to go out. I realize as I am writing this that I need to pay closure attention to the lesson from my moon globe today, as I am now looking out I see the globe is off completely, not because it is dead, but because in it's time of recharge it has allowed it's glow to REST!

Signing off with this, may we all learn a little lesson from my moon globe and plants.... that we need to allow nurturing and REST to reach our full bloom and glow!

Peace Love and Light

Re

Good Morning my Friends!

Happy Hump Day to you.

Please pardon the repeated photos from yesterday but they have significance that I just can not pass by today.

The group shot, the photo is so incredibly powerful to me. A group of people yesterday morning got up out of bed in the darkness, with a hint of chill in the air and met to be tortured.. lol .. to get their workout and sweat on before most people had started the coffee pot. I don't know that many of those people knew exactly what the day was, some obviously did from the start but the majority not likely until later in the day, however, that did not stop the encouragement and team work, as we stood together as one at the shore line and raised our hands in unity to the first sunrise of the season, I knew instantly yet again that I was home and with my people. (hang tight Mathews peeps). I knew that sunrise had significance in my life, that once again the sun was rising on all of the shadows that the dates of tragedy bring. That I had been right in the last 2 months, that things were different. I had actually run up the dune before the group and just watched as the sun peeked over the horizon and thought to myself, it is always darkest before the dawn... but there she is, shining.

I think I knew in that moment that I was going to allow myself the grace to celebrate my girl in ways that worked regardless of current exercise or lifestyle commitments, because life is short, so utterly short, and a celebration of life for 24 hours ish is just sometimes needed. (PS if I am off the rails next week will someone please come help me reset my sails, I do not anticipate this at all but you never know.. Ed it can't be you.. I will just cut you off at the knees)

I know I have celebrated her life this weekend in so many ways, even in all of my planting. Think about it, as I was mourning my beautiful girls last moments on this Earth I spent my time potting, nurturing, and planting new life. The symbolism is so there, and I didn't even see it until just now. As we cleaned the deck and swept away the dirt and dust of winter it allowed me to shed some of the tremendous sadness that has been binding my heart. As I signed up for my first 5k in AGES it showed hope for what the future holds and the path forward (also why I do not anticipate going off the rails.. I have training to do). As I ate some nachos in her honor it reminded me that life is too short to not eat the cake, you just don't have to eat the whole thing every day and it brought flooding in so many happy memories of times we shared. In the late evening message from someone so special to me, confessing they had prayed and prayed for peace for me yesterday was met with something different, I was thankful and grateful. It's no secret that in the years lately that my anger over losing the kids so young overshadowed any thoughts of faith, which is a very long topic for another time, but I would say that just months ago that message would have been met with a "thanks" and only a thought of "Prayer doesn't work for me". I prayed and prayed, I begged and my girl was still gone, I was still here without her, because I had spent years wavering between bring her back and let me be with her.  Yet yesterday as I read my friends sweet message, I was brought to tears, realizing that sometimes it's not your own faith that gets you through but the faith of others, and I knew that throughout the day I was met with moments of calmness when the emotions were ready to brew over and that my friends was not something I had the ability to create on my own. That is a faith of a power much larger than I and I can feel some comfort in it, not just raw pain.

When I got home yesterday as I mentioned I was met with a Welcome Home sign from Deanna. I shared this with my dad as he believes in the signs as much as I and he laughed and said "Guess she is trying to tell you something" for the last year and almost a half dad has tried to convince me that I live here now and that this is home. I have adamantly disagreed. Until today. One of the things about me that many know is I have a horrendous time staying put. I am continuously on the move and just can not settle, yesterday I feel like the answer became apparent. As I stood on that beach yesterday with so many powerful people and felt the sun hit my face "I'm home" raced through my heart, as I walked through the doors of a friends store in Mathews yesterday I was met with "Welcome Home" as I was walking in the purchase items for planting roots here. The key is home is where you take your heart, home is where you find your peace, home is where you have people who love and support you, home is where you can bloom and grow, and how blessed am I to have found that in more than one location at the same time.

As the sun rose above the Atlantic yesterday and set over the Chesapeake... I knew.. I am home and that dawn has appeared.

Peace Love and Light

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Good Morning my loves!

Really super quick post this morning as we are headed out to take care of some heavy lifting in OBX today. I have devised a plan that hopefully will make it a bit easier well ok not easier but quicker on all (my poor guys... they are going to be tired tonight)

I just wanted to take a moment to say I am here. I am upright. I am still doing the next things. Our deck is close to spring summer ready, there are plans in place for maters and peppers to be planted soonish. I am ready to see what the universe has to offer this season, it still looks so different than I had planned but here we are making it all work out.

All of these things have kept my mind off of what tomorrow truly is, I feel it looming, it is there, it isn't crushing me at the moment so that is a good thing. It's like the monster in the closet, you KNOW it is there but as long as it stays where it is things will be ok for today.

Signing off with... just be kind today yourself today.

Peace Love and Light

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