I am so grateful it is Friday. I am tired. I have not really stuck to my workouts very well this week, I don't know if that is playing a roll in how I feel or if I am just emotionally exhausted. Like fall asleep while tanning exhausted (don't come at me... we all have our things) in a STAND UP BOOTH! I think KD knew I needed some sleep because for the 3rd morning in a row she has been laying on my phone, this morning I didn't even hear the alarm. I have no clue how my phone gets there because when I go to sleep it is under the pillow beside me. I even went to bed at 830 last night.. AGAIN!
My exhaustion could also be directly related to the intake of information yesterday during therapy. I have absolutely got to come up with a way to notate points that are made, because I can already see repeats are going to need to happen. The information is coming at me so fast that I feel like I am missing over half of it. There were quite a few take aways from yesterdays session and I am having a hard time processing them all. I am going to bullet list them now.
- All life is impermanent and we do not have the control over another's life or death.
- I have no self value or self trust
- I have been hauling a cart around picking up everyone else's baggage and carrying it with me even though the wheels are broken off of my cart
- There is a difference in caring for and caring about
- I am a pathological yes sayer
- I am not in charge or nor do I need to help everyone (side note on this one.. my mother put me in charge, who's mother put her in charge, who's mother put HER in charge!! literally goes back GENERATION AFTER GENERATION!! if you KNOW us you can SEE this.
- I am in a continuous search of atonement for something I didn't do or cause so it will never be fulfilled
- Some where through no fault of anyone's I didn't get what I needed emotionally (again likely a multi generational thing) because people just don't believe they are worthless and bad on their own and at 50 I am still trying to find that nurturing, again it will never happen so it is a pointless and exhausting plight. No matter what I do to "make up" for being a bad daughter, sister, mother etc etc etc it will not bring me any closer to feelings of worth.
The list right now.. it feels like a very large tangle of about 20 different yarns, and I don't know how to start processing any of it, without writing. When I stop writing the ball just gets bigger and bigger and bigger until it literally crushes me. To say I am a bit scared... understatement. To say I am exhausted.., understatement.
Signing off today with this... I got nothing..
Peace Love and Light