I am probably going to embarrass her but I am doing this anyway.

I guess we should start from 4 and a half years ago, this beauty was supposed to move in my house with Deanna for the summer, but after the accident it just wasn't a great idea. I was in no place to continue on with plans that should have included De and she was in no place to deal with my grief nor I of hers.

Fast forward to this fall, more sadness, more tragedy but this time I was ready, I was able to say yes, I am here. I was in a place that I could open my home and offer her a place to be safe and warm, I will admit I did it reluctantly and I swore I wouldn't allow myself to be close to her or her dog. They could stay but it would just be that.. staying here, her doing her thing me doing mine.

BUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA that worked about as well as you would expect.

First off Haley had a few trips planned so Bossy spent some time with Banx and I... and well you know me I fell in love. She is such a good girl and minds her manners most of the time. She isn't fond of being left by both Haley and I at the same time but we have a plan to keep her safe and protected. A few buns and a dinner of Drake's may have met its demise when left to her own devices but nothing that can't be fixed. I mean COME ON who can't love this face.

So began my love story with another beautiful creature. When Haley is home she doesn't stray far from her side, but when it is me she is then my shadow (unless the fire place is lit... but I would be there too if I weren't behind this keyboard). She hogs the covers at night, she takes my chair, runs of with Banx's toys, but most importantly she stole my heart.

I really didn't think I could do this again after Charlie but there she is making my heart happy.

The story doesn't end there. Haley didn't just share with me her puppy she shared with me her life. While nothing can ever fill the hole that was left when Deanna died having this sweet girl be part of my day to day is overwhelmingly powerful. It's a glimpse of what could have been. It's chats. It's coming and going. It's how does this dress look. It's hey can you watch the dog. It's late night wake ups. It's the sound of kids voices enjoying life. It's laughter. It's shared tears. It's blocked in cars. It's watching silly TV. It's just life.

While she has her own life and her own drum to march to, I am so grateful that she allows her music to fill my heart where it was so utterly quiet before. There is no doubt that two very busy angels made this happen, two broken hearts just needing something that were  brought together through tragedy.

Little did I know when I opened my door she would be the unexpected gift that opened my heart.

Merry Christmas, I love you more than you know.

Sorta.


Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas, the lights, the parties, the gatherings, the presents, the giving, the receiving, the songs. I actually love all of it. It is just shadowed so darkly that it is hard to see the lights, and the smiles, and the love, and the peace. Spending Christmas without your child is brutal. You wonder if others realize you are sad underneath the err hmmm glitter. You wonder if anyone remembers your baby before you bring them up. You wonder if this will be the year that you finally make it through the holiday season with out the crash and burn of suicidal depression.


There is no magic answer to ensure it doesn't happen, there is no magic answer to get through it once it does. I rely heavily on routine of my non routine, family, puppies and friends. Seriously that is what gets me through. I am utterly grateful to have all of these elements in my life.


Most of us know parents who have lost children, you are reading this so you probably know me, but other than me... you know someone. You may not know exactly what to do to help them through such a heart wrenching time of the year, you may wonder if it would be ok.... trust me it is ok and welcomed, it may not be the cheerfulness of Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer and more the emotional toll of Silent Night but you can do it, your 15 minutes of uncomfortable is worth a moment of joy for someone with an eternally broken heart.


Some thoughts:


Buy a special Christmas Tree ornament for them, or even better yet for YOUR tree, send the parents a card and a photo showing that the ornament is in memory of their child so every year as you decorate you include them.


Spend some quiet time with them, ask for a coffee date or a glass of wine in a quiet restaurant, let them know that you have been thinking of them and their child and ask them to share with you a Christmas memory.


Send a Christmas floral bouquet from their angel in heaven.


Walk right up to them and hug them (if you are close enough... inappropriate hugging probably isn't a good thing) let them know that an angel sent it to them.


If they call, text, email, facebook and ask to hang out or for you to do XYZ try to make every effort, I know from experience this time of year my comfort place is at home alone, if I am asking I probably need a dose of peopling and a little extra love.


Are they a writer? Get them a beautiful journal, let them know when you saw it you thought of them and that it would be perfect to write down memories and stories of their angel in and that you would be love to read it.


Do they go to church? Does your church do a special candle or flower purchase at Christmas, purchase one in their child's memory, please see about about wondering if anyone else remembers, it is truly a gift when someone else does.


Send a gift from their angel.


I know you may be thinking these are stupid, but as a mama spending her 5th Christmas without her baby girl I am speaking from my broken heart. You may wonder won't these things hurt, sure they will, everything hurts but the joy in knowing someone else remembered will override it. You may also wonder if it will make them cry, probably and that is ok, again see my statement above, you can survive a few minutes of tears, we have survived, days, weeks, months, and years of them.


My final thoughts, think outside of the box, let them know you care, and above all give them a moment of remembrance during this joyous but difficult season.


Peace and Love,

Re