Well let me tell you! Where have I been? Everywhere but where I should have been. No no no that isn’t right. I actually think I was EXACTLY where I was supposed to be to learn a lesson.
So what did you learn?? That not everyone has a good heart. I know I know.. how do I not know that by now? Simple… my faith. I want to believe that as a whole people are good and fair and loving and kind, for the MOST part I think people truly are, I really do.
But every now and again in pops one that is simply put there to test your own strengths and boy did I run into a doozy this time. But you know what… IT IS OK! I AM OK! Took me a minute.. but here I am, still standing and still believing in my heart that people are good.. INCLUDING MYSELF!
As you all know I put in some work on myself at the beginning of the year digging myself out of a deep hole of depression, grief, self doubt along with half a dozen other things. I was doing good. I was eating right, I was working out, I was self healing with the help of some awesome people, but I did it all in the confines of my little home here. I was safe and secure, but I was lonely. I chose to put myself out there for the first time in a long time and for awhile it was good! Oh it was so good. It was good for my soul. I told people how good it was, I even pulled in other people hoping they would see how good it was. It was SOOOO good in fact that I thought I was all better. That I could stop all of the work on “the hole” because I was OUT OF IT! I had pulled myself right on out and was standing on solid ground and I was better.
Are you laughing yet? I am.
First off.. the “solid ground” I was standing on was shakier than Shakira’s hips and second off (there I go again) I had not taken one complete step away from the hole so I was teetering on the edge like a baby who had just stood unassisted for the first time. One little breath of air and boom back on my a** falling down the hole I would be. As with all things.. that breath of air happened, in the form of the most toxic human being I have ever encountered and I have encountered a few in my day. The wind was knocked right out of my sails and down the hole I was headed, at the very last second and I do mean the very last second I grabbed the edge, sure I was in the hole but I was holding on for dear life. I screamed and cried (literally) I questioned myself, my sanity, even questioned my own heart and why I was not good enough, but I kept holding on to that edge. Within a few days I was sitting on the edge of that hole, still feeling deep down it could go either way, when I did the unimaginable. (imagine that) I put myself BACK OUT THERE.. as unsure as I was of my own footing. I put myself back out there with love and support in my heart, insisting that every thing was nothing more than a misunderstanding. HA! Nope… Toxic Geppetto strikes again. Immediately.
Now this is where things get interesting. (At least for me) When the toxic spew came forth one would think that it would knock me off that ledge and back into that hole of despair. It didn’t.
I stood strong, dusted my jeans off, straightened my own dang crown and said NO MORE. Here is your wall, you do not pass go and you do not collect 200 dollars. You are out of my life. I do NOT have to live a life of insecurity because of the insanity you are spewing. I do NOT have to live a life that has you in any part of it. I do NOT even have to live a life of fear of “what if” people believe Toxic Geppetto because frankly what people think of me is NOT MY BUSINESS or my problem. I do NOT have to accept someone else’s insecurities as my own, nor do I have to believe what they believe about me.
You see I think that has been a lot of my problem for years, I took in and believed all of the bad things that others thought of me. This is a deep deep rooted trauma. I remember as a child being told I was bad, a handful, had a bad attitude, the list went on and on and I believed those things. In grade school I was chubbier than my friends, some called me fat, or worse, a wart hog, I believed those things. As an adult I was in toxic relationships, they called me names, they told me I was all sorts of things, I believed those things. Those things were so very loud in my head that I didn’t hear my own heart. I didn’t hear the people saying the good things. Look at her, she is creative! Look at her she is so imaginative. Look at her she is so loyal. Look at her heart it is so full of love.
I don’t know what this persons issue is with me, I believe it to be a jealously fueled rage, but I don’t know for sure, either way it is neither here nor there. I KNOW my own heart and I KNOW for a fact it is nothing but full of support, light and love. If nothing else simply because I have no room for toxicity and hate in my life. But I do know that I passed this test. I did. I am still here, I am still working on me (no it may not look like it on the eating and exercise front yet but it is getting there) I am setting GOOD AND HEALTHY boundaries. I am realizing that while this may have not been a good fit for me, there and places that I do belong and people who do love me.
I know Toxic Geppetto thinks she won, but she didn’t.
This is one of my biggest wins in recent history… so I have to thank you.. for proving to me that I am in fact worthy and have the ability not only set boundaries but most importantly to love and respect myself!
So Re.. what is up with all of the shares recently. It’s just me giving myself gentle reminders that I can look back on as the day winds down to night… than I am in fact a Queen and no court jester can take my crown!
Peace Love and Light… I’m Back!