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I can move! I can talk! I can walk!

9/29/2021

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Dude where ya been and what is up with all these shares??
 
Well let me tell you! Where have I been? Everywhere but where I should have been. No no no that isn’t right. I actually think I was EXACTLY where I was supposed to be to learn a lesson.
 
So what did you learn?? That not everyone has a good heart. I know I know.. how do I not know that by now? Simple… my faith. I want to believe that as a whole people are good and fair and loving and kind, for the MOST part I think people truly are, I really do.
But every now and again in pops one that is simply put there to test your own strengths and boy did I run into a doozy this time. But you know what… IT IS OK! I AM OK! Took me a minute.. but here I am, still standing and still believing in my heart that people are good.. INCLUDING MYSELF!
 
As you all know I put in some work on myself at the beginning of the year digging myself out of a deep hole of depression, grief, self doubt along with half a dozen other things. I was doing good. I was eating right, I was working out, I was self healing with the help of some awesome people, but I did it all in the confines of my little home here. I was safe and secure, but I was lonely. I chose to put myself out there for the first time in a long time and for awhile it was good! Oh it was so good. It was good for my soul. I told people how good it was, I even pulled in other people hoping they would see how good it was. It was SOOOO good in fact that I thought I was all better. That I could stop all of the work on “the hole” because I was OUT OF IT! I had pulled myself right on out and was standing on solid ground and I was better.
 
Are you laughing yet? I am.
 
First off.. the “solid ground” I was standing on was shakier than Shakira’s hips and second off (there I go again) I had not taken one complete step away from the hole so I was teetering on the edge like a baby who had just stood unassisted for the first time. One little breath of air and boom back on my a** falling down the hole I would be. As with all things.. that breath of air happened, in the form of the most toxic human being I have ever encountered and I have encountered a few in my day.  The wind was knocked right out of my sails and down the hole I was headed, at the very last second and I do mean the very last second I grabbed the edge, sure I was in the hole but I was holding on for dear life. I screamed and cried (literally) I questioned myself, my sanity, even questioned my own heart and why I was not good enough, but I kept holding on to that edge. Within a few days I was sitting on the edge of that hole, still feeling deep down it could go either way, when I did the unimaginable. (imagine that) I put myself BACK OUT THERE.. as unsure as I was of my own footing. I put myself back out there with love and support in my heart, insisting that every thing was nothing more than a misunderstanding. HA! Nope… Toxic Geppetto strikes again. Immediately.
 
Now this is where things get interesting. (At least for me) When the toxic spew came forth one would think that it would knock me off that ledge and back into that hole of despair. It didn’t.
 
I stood strong, dusted my jeans off, straightened my own dang crown and said NO MORE. Here is your wall, you do not pass go and you do not collect 200 dollars. You are out of my life. I do NOT have to live a life of insecurity because of the insanity you are spewing. I do NOT have to live a life that has you in any part of it. I do NOT even have to live a life of fear of “what if” people believe Toxic Geppetto because frankly what people think of me is NOT MY BUSINESS or my problem.  I do NOT have to accept someone else’s insecurities as my own, nor do I have to believe what they believe about me.
 
You see I think that has been a lot of my problem for years, I took in and believed all of the bad things that others thought of me. This is a deep deep rooted trauma. I remember as a child being told I was bad, a handful, had a bad attitude, the list went on and on and I believed those things. In grade school I was chubbier than my friends, some called me fat, or worse, a wart hog, I believed those things. As an adult I was in toxic relationships, they called me names, they told me I was all sorts of things, I believed those things. Those things were so very loud in my head that I didn’t hear my own heart. I didn’t hear the people saying the good things. Look at her, she is creative! Look at her she is so imaginative. Look at her she is so loyal. Look at her heart it is so full of love.
 
I don’t know what this persons issue is with me, I believe it to be a jealously fueled rage, but I don’t know for sure, either way it is neither here nor there. I KNOW my own heart and I KNOW for a fact it is nothing but full of support, light and love. If nothing else simply because I have no room for toxicity and hate in my life. But I do know that I passed this test. I did. I am still here, I am still working on me (no it may not look like it on the eating and exercise front yet but it is getting there) I am setting GOOD AND HEALTHY boundaries. I am realizing that while this may have not been a good fit for me, there and places that I do belong and people who do love me.  
 
I know Toxic Geppetto thinks she won, but she didn’t.
 
This is one of my biggest wins in recent history… so I have to thank you.. for proving to me that I am in fact worthy and have the ability not only  set boundaries but most importantly to love and respect myself!
 
So Re.. what is up with all of the shares recently. It’s just me giving myself gentle reminders that I can look back on as the day winds down to night… than I am in fact a Queen and no court jester can take my crown!
 
Peace Love and Light… I’m Back!
 
Re
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Well that is annoying...

9/19/2021

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Picture
What is annoying .. just about everything right now. Raw friggin annoyance.  This morning I have found that I can either type or use my mouse using my Mac... chose one. So my whole blogging set up is just a wreck at the moment. Guess I need to go get a blue tooth mouse.. I don't know. I mean it is an 11 year old Mac it has served me well I should put it out of it's misery and just buy something cheap I can blog with, but I am a stubborn old goot that has a hard time letting go of things. It will have to continue its slow death and I will have to continue with a horrific set up for now. 

Know what else is annoying.. I have a hard time letting ANYTHING go. (I'm no hoarder of trash so don't get it twisted) but my heart holds on to things that serve no purpose. Hurt, anger, pain, I gather those things around me like a blanket and settle right in.  Things I should let go so that I can let in love and light and peace.. I bless each of you with those three things as I log off but I can bless myself with them.

There is this situation, I call it that but the truth it is a complete shit show caused by the a jealousy fueled rage of another. Instead of me having the ability to just brush it off and move along about my life I have internalized and personalized it all.. again. Some how it is my fault, and I can't figure out how it is so I can fix it, because you know it is my responsibility to fix. I have to wonder.. who left me in charge? I keep telling myself over and over and over that this too shall pass that I need to move along that it just was not a good fit. But damn it.. I am hurt! Hurt for me .. hurt for others.. just plain fucking hurt. 

I put myself out there.. I believe myself to be good and kind, loving, caring and giving! OH so giving. Give and give and give.. put myself lower and lower on the pole. Each and every time, Hey Re can you.. Yup I got you! Even worse.. Hey it's Re can I help you with...

Why do I do this?

Apparently because I am a self made martyr and I enjoy it.

mar·tyr

/ˈmärdər/
Learn to pronounce
noun
noun: martyr; plural noun: martyrs
a person who is killed because of their religious or other beliefs.
"saints, martyrs, and witnesses to the faith"
a person who displays or exaggerates their discomfort or distress in order to obtain sympathy or admiration.

I always thought I shared what I felt and what I was so others would know or even understand their own feelings, or maybe understand what someone they loved was going through.  I have been stewing on this for a week now, that I am a martyr and I enjoy this and the attention it provides me.

If that is the case, why does it feel so lonely, sad, and just plain red hot rawness. I don't feel like I have exaggerated how I am feeling, if anything I have tempered it back because I am truly so full of hurt right now that I feel like a pressure cooker that could just explode.

So I shouldn't go on and on about how I grieve or how it feels. I should only display happiness... Lets just just tell you about my one sided faith so that it doesn't disturb you when you learn I believe differently. I am supposed to stop giving and put myself first. Keep myself on top of the totem. I'm supposed to stop cooking because it isn't my job to take care of anyone else. My children are grown, they were all i was charged with caring for. (not that I did a great job there).  I am supposed to let things go... let in all of the love, light and peace and keep my unlady like overly emotional mouth shut, so that I can start regarding myself as number one.

Don't offer to help, do something for you instead. Let someone offer YOU help. Let someone invite you, don't just show up and try to be part of something. Let them text first.. do not contact first! Don't write about it. Be a damn bitch... it's better than the martyr you are. Step away from people you care about to make the life of the guilty not affect you, but it does anyway, because you lost again.

You don't belong anywhere.. you belong everywhere .. put yourself first.

I don't want to be first. I just want to belong. To belong in a place where when someone says my name it is met with .. her heart is huge, not .. what's her motive? Or can you believe how annoying she is?

I can't even find comfort behind words any longer... they are all for show. Don't you feel sorry for me now? Because that is what I want you know.. you just to feel sorry for me. I don't really want your friendship or connection.. I just want you to say Poor Re. I don't really want you in my corner, or to cheer me on. I want you to allow me to stay here on the bottom looking on in pity. That's me.. thats what I want.

I'm fucking angry. I'm fucking sad. I'm fucking grieving.

But let me show you how I am putting myself first, let me be silent, let me show you how I have no emotions or feelings.

Because the world is full of Love, Light and Peace.. you know that right?

This is the end... the end of the words.



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