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The day I met my best friend and hero... 

9/18/2013

8 Comments

 
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I really don't remember it.  They tell me it was plenty hot that day but being only a few minutes old I wouldn't have known hot from cold. To this day I don't know if he wanted me to be a boy or a girl, can't say that he even cared much as long as I was here and healthy. I know over the years I made plenty mistakes, said many a thing I didn't mean to him, disobeyed him, but through it all he loved me, the good and the bad, he never stopped loving me.

It took me a long time to realize just how lucky I was to have a man like him in my life, to be my role model, my friend, my father, my care giver, my confidant (even if he does end up telling on me sometimes) among many other things. I thought all Daddy's were like him, I didn't know the world were full of crappy ones (learned that lesson the hard way).

Two weeks ago we celebrated his 70th birthday and the family has been conspiring for a year now on how to pull off a surprise birthday party for him, I don't think any of us believed we would pull it off but we did. He was genuinely surprised. I have to thank our Owens/Burroughs/Ashberry family for all of that. The work they put into ensuring that my Daddy had a wonderful party and ensuring friends and family from all around were there and invited was over and beyond my wildest dreams. I don't think I did much to help.. I showed up in a panic with a cake, the rest of the wonderfulness was taken care of by someone else. To all of you a huge thank you, not only for making his party so wonderful, but for loving him and me enough to do this.

There are so many things I can say about my Daddy but the most wonderful thing I can think of is he has never left me, in moments of happiness, anger, sadness, he has been there. I know if I call, he is going to be on the other end, for 5 minutes or 50.. as long as I need. He has fixed so many things, skinned knees, flat tires, go carts that won't run, failed relationships, in 42 years we have only found one thing he can't fix.. my broken heart. I think that has probably been the hardest on him, not being able to fix it, to fix me. In the bad dark times, he's the only one so far that has been able to talk me off the edge to calm me down, his hugs are some of the most power things I have ever felt in the world, the love they radiate. The words "It's gonna be alright sugah" he says in a way that I feel the truth in them. Maybe that is why the thoughts of going back to Mathews are so strong, even though I know that is not possible right now because I made a promise to Drake that he would finish school here regardless if I had to work 6 jobs. I fight the urge on a daily basis to go running to him, to wake up with flower by my bed, or a cartoon cut out.

I don't think he knows how much I appreciate him, I am not so good at vocalizing those kinds of feelings, but to me, there is no greater man on this planet. Anyone who could put up with me and love my craziness for 42 years deserves more than I am afraid I could give him. So if you see my Daddy, Hound Dog, Uncle Henry.. out and about.. give him a hug, shake his hand.. and tell him that his daughter loves him more than he knows.

Happy Birthday Daddy.. I love you.. thank you for being who you are.

Love to you all
De's Mommy





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8 Comments

Some things I learned this weekend. 

9/16/2013

3 Comments

 
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Christina and me after the Diva Half Marathon in Northern VA
The first... and probably the most unbelievable is the fact that I can survive 36 hours away from the beach or Mathews. I was really starting to wonder about that one. Ok I was in super good company so maybe that is cheating a bit but I didn't have any random meltdowns and I didn't mysteriously disappear. I survived.. next goal to do that on my own.. alone with nothing but me and a book or something.

Second I can still start and finish a half marathon.. it was ugly but not once did I want to give up. Not once did I say I am quitting.. I kept on even when every part of my body hurt. (dehydration sucks.. I have to drink more water) There were moments of doubt if I was going to finish, don't get me wrong, but that would have only been because I passed out or something. That didn't happen.. I kept on going and finished. Who cares if it was my worst time ever.. I wasn't last.. I wasn't in an ambulance.. or have one chasing me down to the finish.. so I will take that. The course was difficult for me, lots of up and down hills and at one point I had to make the actual choice to not run up the hills, and then again not to run anymore, because I knew that I was on the verge of physical hurt. I don't think I have ever made that choice before.. it was always KEEP GOING regardless of the outcome. This time I chose to continue training and get better through proper training,  over a 5 minutes faster finish time, lets face it by that point even if I kept running it was going to be an ugly run.

Third is that I really don't give a hoot anymore if people like me or not, believe me you have a lot of time to think of these things when you are running or walking 13.1 miles, you think of anything just to keep your mind off of oh crap.. I am only at mile 3.  I have been told numerous times I rant and rave and post negative things all over Facebook.. or my blog.. or I suppose even when I talk to people. You are dang right I do! While I don't personally recommend it why don't you try walking a mile in my shoes.. maybe then and only then would you ever understand that my ranting and raving isn't what YOU think it is.. it is a scream for help. It is my way of saying please someone help me for just one second. Please say something that makes me realize that MY life is still worth living, that there is a reason to keep going. Or just hug me and say "It's going to be alright" regardless if you believe it or not. Yes I post sad things, yes I post mad things, but yes I also post the little tiny triumphs, the moments of happiness, and accomplishments. This is MY life.. why do you only want to see the good, when there is so much pain. Aren't we all here to support each other, why would you ask me for my support when you can't take two seconds to comment on a status that so obviously states the magnitude of pain I am in? Why would you talk about me behind my back? Did it dawn on you when you talk about me, it will get back to me, and it only adds to the hurt?

I realized that I spent a GREAT deal of time worrying about what other people thought of me, that they liked me, and that if they didn't why didn't they. What made me so different? Well other than the way I dress and my hair.. inside I am still a person. I never thought I was an unkind person, and I was always trying my best to be helpful, I have never been self centered and really more of a free spirit, but I still cared that people LIKED me.. well.. I no longer care. I am me. I am going to be me. Life is too short to spend it on hypocrites and fake friends. And believe me... if you think you know who your friends are.. go through what I have been through and I bet you will find out you are incredibly wrong wrong wrong, on the flip side of that a huge number of people will come out of the wood work you never knew were in your corner or how much they were willing to do for you to ensure that you are ok, even if it is through a simple text, private message, or click of a like button.  Life balances out like that, I am just ashamed I spent so much time on people who didn't deserve my time instead of looking around at the loving hearts that did. It also isn't lost on me that I wasted an incredible amount of time not being the mommy I should have been based on what others thought of me, because I believed them instead of my own heart...

I am not really sure where this blog post is going, or came from, or went.. but there it is.. how I fell, how I have felt and probably how it is going to continue to be. While I chose love not hate.. it does not mean I have to allow others peoples thoughts and judgements of me to direct my life and decisions.

De.. I'm one more step closer to being with you my sweet angel.. in all of your uniqueness and independence. I love you for now and always.. my love flies to you and your brother on the wings of angels.

Love,
De's Mommy

3 Comments

The Facebook Status that should have been a blog post.... 

9/9/2013

3 Comments

 
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Daddy, Me and De at the Wesley Ashberry Twilight 5k last September...
Today is our give day at Bootcamp... We turn in our cards.. we hang them on our mirrors, our computers, in our cars. We write our goals under our give to help visualize where we want to be and to help us from "giving in to the give" My give was Pizza Rolls. It needed to be done. I have a bag in my freezer (or maybe there are 3 in there) either way I haven't touched them.

Oddly.. my give of my pizza rolls and my goal are wildly disconnected. Most of the time the goals at bootcamp, are lose 10..20..30 lbs (in my case it is usually part of mine), Run a 5k, Run a Half, Run a little faster, lift more weight.. None of these things interest nor appeal to me... at the moment. I have done those things, I KNOW I can do THOSE things again.

My goal is bigger than that, heavier than that (not to diminish anyone else's goals.. all goals are difficult) my goal this camp, is to start living again, by picking up one tiny piece of this broken heart and life, by making a commitment to be there every Monday and Wednesday night and do the best that I can, even if my best today isn't what it used to be.

So maybe I won't lose one pound this camp, maybe I won't get one bit faster, or be able to do more that my original number of situps and pushups... but right now making the promise to be there is larger, bigger, more challenging and much more frightening than all of those things. And maybe just maybe by the Grace of God and some really great people on October 16th I can say, I picked up that puzzle piece an I owned it.

Hope you all have a wonderful week..
Love
De's Mommy


3 Comments

You were born with wings.... 

9/3/2013

6 Comments

 
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My Daddy and De (she was about 10) Today is my wonderful Daddy's birthday... the only man who I have found that can hug the bad out of me.
“You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life?” Rumi

As I logged in this morning to write a blog post this quote was in the pop up. I feel like I am not even crawling right now, I am just perpetually stuck.. well maybe not stuck.. I go two steps forward and five back. Yes I realize the bad is getting worse, it doesn't last as long but the magnitude of the bad is REALLY bad. I don't want to exist when the bad happens.

This weekend the bad happened... my fault.. I should have known better the memories were too much, the kids laughing and partying and getting ready to go to college and school.. too much.. way too much. Yes I lost it, I tried to hide it. I guess I did ok hiding it from some, others not so much. Two hours later... the only thing I wanted to do was die. Yes.. die. I am tired of living on this planet with all the ugly, all the tragedy, all the hurt. When it is bad like that I don't want to be in my skin, I can't even begin to explain how that feeling feels. I know we have all wondered from time to time where we belong, who we belong with, what job should I do. Imagine that magnified by 234542342533 and that is how it feels. Like an energy forcing its way through your veins telling your brain to move.. to run.. to get away.. but to where.. there is no where .. the hurt  and pain is EVERY WHERE.

Lots of people say "She is in a better place that should make you feel better".. well yes that makes me feel wonderful, thank you very much she is in a better place and I am left in hell, and my hell creates hell for all of those around me who love me, who don't know how to help me, who are being destroyed inside because they can't bare to watch me self destruct. So yes.. thank you for reminding me. While we are at sayings.. "Learn to Cope.. Stop feeling that way.. and Get over it.. "are some of my new favorites. It takes all I have not to say really bad words when people use those on me. So far I have done pretty good until the other night. When the one person you need there for you the most comes out with "it's all in your head so just stop it", it will and does make you say some really bad things. It's not that I mean to, It's not that I am even mad at that person.. I am mad at life, at the world, at the fact there is no magic button that just shuts off the hurt.

I told my mother yesterday that I totally understand how people commit suicide now, how they become drug addicts, it is getting away from this never ending pain. I wish I was legally crazy maybe that would explain the way I feel, I wish I was locked up in a rubber room with no where to go, and only books to fall into to escape this living hell. Who knows maybe I AM crazy and just good at acting like the normal me sometimes because I was already nuts.

Yesterday I was given De's year book... it was heart breaking and beautiful, my message to her was placed in the year book even after the accident happened.. my message to her.. 1. Strive to be where the magic happens 2. Remember Mommy will always love you. The only thing I could think is that she made it to where to magic happens a very long time before I wanted her to, and I learned there is no magic circle here .. just another spot that you find isn't good enough anyway, and that my love for her will always always remain, with wonderful memories of the time we had and incredible sadness of the things that we weren't allowed.

But back to the title.. You were born with wings... I don't think I was.. I think she was, I think she was born to be an angel and was to many on Earth and to many more now that she is safely in heaven. If I had wings, I lost them somewhere, in the darkness, in the sadness. Everyone says look at the beauty of where we are.. the sunsets, rises, the waves, the nature... I say turn on the TV for two minutes and you will hear of a child beat to death, a woman left to die in the street after a hit and run, a father committing suicide after losing his child because he was a single father and was having a hard time mentally and NO ONE WOULD HELP HIM. That my friends is what I see.. I see a government that will not allow God in our schools and change the words to our NATIONAL Pledge to the flag, I see more drugs, more beatings, I see a world that allowed a beautiful bright young lady to die on the morning of her prom. That's right.. it wasn't an accident.. my daughter died that day. I wondered if anyone would ever hear me.. Deanna's accident.. Her Accident.. The Accident. An Accident you walk away from, maybe not the same but you live, she died. On that road. That morning. When all I could think was oh she probably broke her arm.. or her leg... we will be at the hospital awhile. Then I remembered the tears when my mom called... and I knew. I didn't need her to say the words but I forced her to, and over and over in my head now I hear them.. the screaming.. the crying.. "She's Dead."

How does one get over, by, cope with, deal with, the reality of their child is no longer here. That until you die you will no longer see them, hug them, or tell them you love them. Yes I know this blog is hard to read, and it is raw, and it is painful, and it may make some of you want to come over and just hug me (please don't my house is a mess). The bottom line here.. my sweet girl is gone.. my darling boy gone before her. You tell me how to get over it, because, my only prayer anymore is just to be gone. I know what you all are going to say.. Drake, Dustin, David and my Daddy need me.. and I say to you what good to them am I like this. Or maybe that God has other plans for me, and maybe he does, but I really wish that he would show me.

I hope you all are having a better day than this... and it makes me sick that today I should be celebrating the birthday of my Daddy.. 70 today.. and all I can think about is the death of my Nina... she never made it to 20.

De's Mommy
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