Second I can still start and finish a half marathon.. it was ugly but not once did I want to give up. Not once did I say I am quitting.. I kept on even when every part of my body hurt. (dehydration sucks.. I have to drink more water) There were moments of doubt if I was going to finish, don't get me wrong, but that would have only been because I passed out or something. That didn't happen.. I kept on going and finished. Who cares if it was my worst time ever.. I wasn't last.. I wasn't in an ambulance.. or have one chasing me down to the finish.. so I will take that. The course was difficult for me, lots of up and down hills and at one point I had to make the actual choice to not run up the hills, and then again not to run anymore, because I knew that I was on the verge of physical hurt. I don't think I have ever made that choice before.. it was always KEEP GOING regardless of the outcome. This time I chose to continue training and get better through proper training, over a 5 minutes faster finish time, lets face it by that point even if I kept running it was going to be an ugly run.
Third is that I really don't give a hoot anymore if people like me or not, believe me you have a lot of time to think of these things when you are running or walking 13.1 miles, you think of anything just to keep your mind off of oh crap.. I am only at mile 3. I have been told numerous times I rant and rave and post negative things all over Facebook.. or my blog.. or I suppose even when I talk to people. You are dang right I do! While I don't personally recommend it why don't you try walking a mile in my shoes.. maybe then and only then would you ever understand that my ranting and raving isn't what YOU think it is.. it is a scream for help. It is my way of saying please someone help me for just one second. Please say something that makes me realize that MY life is still worth living, that there is a reason to keep going. Or just hug me and say "It's going to be alright" regardless if you believe it or not. Yes I post sad things, yes I post mad things, but yes I also post the little tiny triumphs, the moments of happiness, and accomplishments. This is MY life.. why do you only want to see the good, when there is so much pain. Aren't we all here to support each other, why would you ask me for my support when you can't take two seconds to comment on a status that so obviously states the magnitude of pain I am in? Why would you talk about me behind my back? Did it dawn on you when you talk about me, it will get back to me, and it only adds to the hurt?
I realized that I spent a GREAT deal of time worrying about what other people thought of me, that they liked me, and that if they didn't why didn't they. What made me so different? Well other than the way I dress and my hair.. inside I am still a person. I never thought I was an unkind person, and I was always trying my best to be helpful, I have never been self centered and really more of a free spirit, but I still cared that people LIKED me.. well.. I no longer care. I am me. I am going to be me. Life is too short to spend it on hypocrites and fake friends. And believe me... if you think you know who your friends are.. go through what I have been through and I bet you will find out you are incredibly wrong wrong wrong, on the flip side of that a huge number of people will come out of the wood work you never knew were in your corner or how much they were willing to do for you to ensure that you are ok, even if it is through a simple text, private message, or click of a like button. Life balances out like that, I am just ashamed I spent so much time on people who didn't deserve my time instead of looking around at the loving hearts that did. It also isn't lost on me that I wasted an incredible amount of time not being the mommy I should have been based on what others thought of me, because I believed them instead of my own heart...
I am not really sure where this blog post is going, or came from, or went.. but there it is.. how I fell, how I have felt and probably how it is going to continue to be. While I chose love not hate.. it does not mean I have to allow others peoples thoughts and judgements of me to direct my life and decisions.
De.. I'm one more step closer to being with you my sweet angel.. in all of your uniqueness and independence. I love you for now and always.. my love flies to you and your brother on the wings of angels.