Give. Live. Hug.
Follow Me:
  • Re's Journey
    • Re's Journey 2011-2013
    • Re's Journey 2007 - 2011
  • Spindles
  • Cafe Mais Sha
  • De's Story
    • Photos of De
    • Signs of De
    • Deanna Hugs
  • Glimpses into my mind
  • Banx, Kittum and Fat Beagle
  • Favorite People, Places and Things
    • Family and Friends
    • Bootcamp Family
    • Favorite Places and Things
    • Me!
    • Crafties I Made
    • Deanna's Christmas Tree
  • Encouragements, Insights, and Funnies
    • Encouragement MeMes
    • Funny MeMes
    • Grief Memes
    • Favorite Postsecrets
    • Words of Support from April 20th
  • Races, Runs and other Fun Events
    • Deanna's Candle Light Service
    • Deanna's 5k 2013
    • Pretty Muddy
    • OBX Marathon 2013
  • Contact Us

Let them walk away... 

11/19/2013

0 Comments

 
Picture
Left to Right (Dustin Taylor, Deanna, Little Dustin) This photo has no relation to the post what so ever other than I used it today. I made this just weeks after Little Dustin's car accident.. having no way of knowing ... My heart still breaks looking at the beautiful smiles.
Seven months tomorrow .. how is this even possible.. my sweet girl has not been with us seven months and I am still waiting on the text, the phone call, the bounce through the door, something in me won't let me believe. I am not delusional enough to think that I am dealing with the reality of this. There is no reality of this yet, there may never be in my mind and that is ok. If I get through the day believing she is in Mathews, off at work, out with friends then so be it! I came to a realization over the weekend just while driving and talking that I never really took the time to grieve alone, to wallow in my bed for three days, to scream and shout with no one around, or with someone around that just allowed me to and just made sure I was physically ok. That I went from the accident, to a week of have to do this, have to do that, need to do the other, which was done in a blur, then right back to work on Monday and taking care of Drake and Banx (thank you Amanda for EVERYTHING you did!!! You were here each and every night) I didn't have the, what I will call, luxury of getting away from everything and just locking myself away, or someone taking care of EVERYTHING for a bit so I could just process it all. I have no idea if that would have helped then, I don't know if it will help now, but as long as I keep going... and apparently rambling. Nevermind this is not what this post was evening supposed to be about.

So this weekend I went away on a retreat with the church, first one ever, and it was beautiful and rewarding and full of love and lots of chocolate. I am going to put an excerpt from my journal here.

11/16/13

Sitting here in the quietness of my room reflecting on today's Cafe Chocolate sessions my first thoughts go to man I wish I had a keyboard! My thoughts are faster than my hand. God truly blessed me when he gave me the courage to speak up and say "Betsy I think I want to go on a retreat" very specific on A retreat as I knew this was something I would need to save up for. God answered fast and quick through Betsy "Re there is room- there are scholarships-fill out the papers" Excitement filled me where anxiety had been for months. Amanda and I were going on a retreat! That's right Amanda was supposed to be here with me. My security blanket, my best friend. Then before I knew it the bottom fell out of that plan, her sister was in town. A part of me wanted to stay home in the comfort of what I knew. Where I felt safe. Don't we all long to be where we are safe and secure? What is a safe place? Your home? Your spouse? Your children? Your siblings? Your parents? Your church? So much of my safe place has been ripped away in the last few years I felt as no where was safe.

Now here I am in the middle of a womens retreat with 50 women 98% of whom I do not know and I don't care for crowds! Yea NOT SAFE! But wait.. don't judge a book by it's cover- Remember Re, God brought you here through a very long sad drawn out series of events- So there I am sewing up my Obi Wan Kanobi robe thinking "Ok what exactly am I doing here? This is nice and all and I don't have much to worry about this weekend except maybe when will I do my lesson for Ms Bev's Disciple 1 class  (side note I still haven't) and why is the coffee pot going insane. The signing is nice. The lessons are ok. But God you brought me here to eat too much chocolate?? Water to wine, paralyzed dude through the roof, warm Obi Wan Kanobi robes for the elderly- I get all that, what I don't get is why am I here? I don't understand why the things that have happened happened!"
Then the next thing I know someone says "pick a number 1 through 4"... "ummm ok 1." followed by "Change groups!" WELL CRAP! Let's see how far we can shove Re out of her comfort zone.. now no Ashten. Wait a minute didn't I send Theresa a message yesterday saying that I wished she was going but I thought God was pushing me out of my comfort zone? Yup totally did. Ok let's do this, new group and I knew no one by name. Our first session was about bitterness, do we hold bitterness towards another....

I have to end the excerpt there because that is how far I got in an hour and 15 minutes.. seriously I do not like paper and pen.. I lost SOOOOOO many thoughts because I couldn't write it fast enough and it didn't feel right, my hands on the keyboard is what comes natural to me when my thoughts are flying, as my thoughts roll so do my fingers. I also write really strange in hand writing, flipping all around from past to present to future to me to third person.. weird. (Thank you Ms Jackson for the ability to type this fast)

I am going to include an excerpt from our books here.

The Bitter Taste of Cocoa

You may still have the flavor of that bitter cocoa in your mouth. As you consider that taste, think about a person who has made life bitter for you. This might be a friend who has hurt you, a family member who has turned others against you, a coworker who has made life difficult, or even someone you don't know personally well.... Share about one of these "bitter" situations with your sweet circle...

GOOD GRIEF did THIS hit home.. well thank you God for showing me why I was there.

At the end of this session there was an empty chair placed in the middle of the room and we were asked to imagine the person in the chair that was making our life bitter.. easy.. we were asked if we could forgive the person.. easy.. then we were told to let them walk away... ouch.

I think that may have been my biggest hang up.. the letting them walk away however is another situation. I felt like I had lost enough in the last few years, losing something else was too dang much.. but those were the words "let them walk away". I have heard over and over the past few weeks to put space between me and the situation, the issue, and I tried but I was still holding on to hope of some sort of reconciliation. (let them walk away). I thought an apology would come (let them walk away). I thought something would happen (let them walk away).
Yesterday morning this was again on my mind and the lessons we went through over the weekend and I wrote this...

What's on my mind.. forgiveness and allowing the bitterness to go away. Life is way too short to hold grudges, I think back to what if my last conversation with either of my babies had been hateful and mean, or a mean act towards them, how could I possibly forgive myself. Let go of the hurt in your life, forgive, and LET GO. I have no hate towards anyone in my life, have I been hurt yes, are they forgiven yes, I will hold no regret or harbor any grudge towards them, I am peacefully walking away from situations that no longer allow growth in my life and running into the arms of true friends and family.

(let them walk away)

Thank you God for answering my questions.. and giving me the strength to let them walk away, even on days that it hurts so bad.


So much more happened on this wonderful retreat, there was so much love and bonded me with a wonderful group of women at church, and I was blessed with enough strength from God to let the bitter makers walk away. Goodbye old friend, this is a peaceful resolution to a hurtful situation that no longer allows any growth in my life.

Do you have a bitter maker in your life... let them walk away.

Much Love
De's Mommy






















0 Comments

Oh what a tangled web my mind weaves.. 

11/7/2013

4 Comments

 
Picture
So I threw it out there .. What would you like to see me write about.. I have a few on my list.. Happy Memories, Healing and Forgiveness..

(And one about some dude who can't sleep because he can't breath and would like for me to tell him how. Sorry buddy I am not a Dr but my suggestion would be Vicks, NyQuil and plenty of rest .. well you get the idea.)

I started looking at those things.. Happy Memories.. EASY have many... Healing.. Eh.. I am working on it I am a bit better each day.. maybe I can do that or a little something.. Forgiveness... HA! Not even going to attempt that one I don't come within a mile of being able to write on forgiveness, I stink at it. Then I thought why not, why can't I write on forgiveness. It is something I want to do, I want to be able to forgive people, I want people to be able to forgive me. Then of course my mind went one step farther, because that is how it operates and I can't leave well enough alone, kind of like if oil is made from dead dinosaurs, and plastic is made from oil are plastic dinosaurs made from real ones?? (Thank you Amanda for making me think about that all night.)

Lets think about it.. what are Happy Memories? The birth of your child? Getting a new car? A new better job? Time with friends and family? So many things can be "Happy Memories" but let a tragedy happen, a misunderstanding, or a fight and what happens to those happy memories? They are shadowed, tainted, still there but distorted with sadness, anger and hurt. A happy memory of a silly ride in a jeep holding cabbage can be turned into not the silliness of missing your turn, but the last time you saw your child alive, the happy memory turns into questions, did I hug her.. did I tell her I loved her.. what did she have on.. was she happy? The last time you spent time with a friend having wine and fixing the worlds issues, can turn into how come I was there for you, why did I bother, was anything you said even the truth? Happy memories shadowed. Does that mean they weren't happy memories? No, it means there is something in between you and the happy.


Ok I know what is between me and the happy, questions, hurt, anger, sadness, the real question is HOW do you get back to the happy and out of the shadows. Easy answer, Forgiveness. Like I said EASY answer.. not so easy to do, at least not for me. I can say all day long I forgive myself for not remembering, and the next day I still question myself, I forgive my friend for how things turned out, but still hold on to the anger, I forgive God for taking my babies and still wrap myself in the sadness. (Side Note: by stating God took my babies is really in no means that he took them away from me.. which is another whole topic all together so don't get hung up on that right now please.. just a way of stating it.)

for·give
fərˈgiv/verbverb: forgive; 3rd person present: forgives; past tense: forgave; gerund or present participle: forgiving; past participle: forgiven1.
stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.

So by definition all I am not forgiving at all, I am getting by a moment in time with nothing more than a lie to myself. I may be forgetting the offense or hurt for a moment but not forgiving. Which is quite funny as I always say.. "OH I will forgive you but I won't forget." How many times have you said that? Technically what I am doing is the opposite I forget it for a bit, because as soon as the memory comes back so does the anger and resentment. The definition says STOP feeling angry or resentful towards.. not ok stop for a few minutes then you can start again, but how hard is it to stop these feelings when the offender is right there every day.. or isn't right there every day. There is a split second in the mornings before I get out of bed that all is right with the world, then I remember. There are hours that go by that people who have hurt me do not cross my mind, but then there they are on Facebook, or at the grocery store, or even a fleeting thought in my brain.  I can go all day but then have to look in the mirror for something. That is when the shadows come in.. that is when the anger, hurt and sadness fills my heart. Question for you.. What if Jesus did that? "I forgive you.. but just right now.. not tomorrow.. tomorrow you go to hell.. but then I forgive you again.. but wait I remember you hurt me back to hell.. oh.. I am supposed to forgive you get back up here... no that was a minute ago.. go back to hell." Yikes. Just saying. Isn't that what we are doing to our own hearts and the hearts of others when we do that.. up down up down up down.. excuse me BUT HOW DOES ANYONE HEAL LIKE THAT???

Answer.. you don't. There is no healing.. it is a matter of heal a tiny bit.. RIP.. tiny bit.. RIP.. tiny bit.. RIP.. then before you know it you have a major infection of hurt, anger, sadness and resentment running through your entire life and then you die. Ok, that is a bit dramatic but you get the point. Without FORGIVENESS you are missing out on the Happy Memories you have made over your lifetime, you are missing out on a Healed healthy heart and mind that is completely willing and able to hear God's plans for you. So whats the answer here, forgive.

Let's look at the definition again.. STOP feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake. Hey.. read it again.. where does it say to forget? It doesn't. You CAN forgive without FORGETTING, you don't have to remember something with resentment and anger, you can remember that it happened and choose to use it as a life lesson, use it to remember to say I love you each and every time, use it to help walk away from a toxic situation and learn from it, use your forgiveness to make misdeeds stepping stones to better things, not anchors of guilt, pain, shame and hurt. Healing. When you start doing this.. you are healing, using forgiveness as an antibiotic to rid your life of the infection that is eating away at your heart.

So what is the bottom line here? Happy Memories can be tainted and over shadowed when we hold on to anger and resentment. Forgiveness only happens when you STOP feeling anger and resentment towards a situation or person. Healing can only happen when you Forgive and once you Forgive you will again have the Happy Memories you made even if in the future your Happiness is made in different way, your past is not over shadowed any longer.

That is the end of today's rambles..

PS Buddy.. I still don't know how to help you breath.

Much Love.
De's Mommy



4 Comments

        Author

    De's Mommy
    Re
    Ann Marie
    Rhiannon Phoenix Mariah Dawn
    President of the Pro Bailers

    All of them are me!

    Blogs I Love!

    Life in Mathews
    Living in the Shadow
    Fosterhood in NYC
    Post Secret
    Hyperbole and a Half
    The Bloggess

    Archives

    January 2022
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    April 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    May 2019
    April 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    October 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    September 2015
    July 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    November 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013

    Categories

    All
    #anger
    #bootcamp
    #deannahug
    #givelivehug
    #grief
    #looneytoons
    #onesaved
    #shame

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.