Posting from phone I hope this works!!
Homework.. Something I have never been good at.
De and I were very much alike in this aspect, homework was NOT something either of us ever enjoyed at all. As a matter a fact I never did mine. Ever. (Thank you Sisper I do actually know that if it weren’t for you I wouldn’t have graduated High School.. to my teachers that read this and yes I know a few of you do.. I am sorry I had better things to do, but you must have taught me something because I went on to graduate college with a 4.0)
I can hear me now:
“Deanna WHY didn’t you do your assignment?” (she was Deanna when she was supposed to be in trouble)
Her: I dunno
Me: How are you going to graduate with zeros?
Her: I dunno
Me: blink blink blink.. because seriously what else could I say.. it wasn’t like I could say well when I was in school I did ALL my work and got all A’s and blah blah blah.
I remember once I said I want BETTER for you than what I did.. if I remember correctly she shrugged and said “Your life doesn’t seem so bad to me”. It’s strange to me when I look at it now, because at the time it was just she, Drake and I, I was struggling to make all the ends meet amongst other horrifying events going on in our lives, failed marriage, the death of my step son, struggling relationship with a parent, dealing with a teenage daughter that I was scared for. I remember saying.. “YOU WANT THIS??? THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT FOR YOUR LIFE????” What I would not give to go back to that exact moment and have those horrible things looming so close just to have her back. Life wasn’t so bad then, things were bad, but a huge part of MY LIFE was still standing before me arguing over an English Paper. I would probably do what was done for me… I would have just done it for her. Not right, but the arguments would have been saved and I would have those precious moments back.
I have been given homework assignments by the Talking Doctor. The first one was to find time to just to sit and read on Ed’s deck for a day, when we looked at the calendar we quickly realized that wasn’t really happening any time soon, so we decided to start with 10 minutes, I got in 10 minutes last Sunday and yesterday on the way to VA I once again got stuck on 64 behind an accident, I was right beside an exit that I could have easily gotten off on and made my way through back roads to 17, I instead put my car in park for 30 minutes and read my book on my phone. It wasn’t the deck, but it was non-interrupted silence for 30 full minutes, after I read I eased my way to the back roads and made it to my Dad’s. Assignment complete I FOUND a way.. I didn’t sit in traffic in frustration, I didn’t inch along the back roads, I utilized the time for ME. It wasn’t the deck but truthfully when reading I am transported from this place into the book. It’s like a mini vacation in my mind, which is why interrupted reading infuriates me, it feels like my mind is being ripped between two worlds. Which by the way does NOTHING for the tangle of thoughts I have yet to work through.
The second assignment is to try to remember the things I still am now that I was before the accident, I have focused so much on what I am not that I don’t know who I AM anymore. I don’t think I need to go into major detail on these things, if anyone wants to know more about something I will gladly provide input but a list is good.
· First off I am still Re.. just a new Re
· I am a mother to 5 beautiful children, you don’t have to give birth to love a child as your own and be a mom
· I am a daughter of a man who loves me greatly and a mother who tolerates my existence
· I am a girlfriend even if I haven’t been the best one in the world
· I am a Sisper
· I am a Sister
· I am a Sis
· I am a Niece to one of the most amazing Aunts on the planet who I don’t know I could get through each day without.
· I am a cousin to some as close as siblings
· I am a friend, I am loyal and I am true, if you stab me in the back I will walk away and I am typically the one apologizing for something someone did to me.
· I am apparently still a runner as I have done that a few times this week and I feel good about it, slow steady and short (no more soleus tears please)
· I finished my first book since the accident, it took weeks to read it.. I am still a reader
· I am a writer, it is raw, it is emotional, but it is me, it is who I am. I am a blog or short status writer, I don’t know if I will ever be an author, that is different. What I write today is TN.. and I don’t necessarily focus on the K. Truthful, Necessary and Kind. My words and thoughts are TRUTHFUL, my reasons are NECESSARY, sometimes in some situations I rely on matter a factual and not Kind, simply because after 42 years there is no Kind left in certain situations and Kind does not allow me to build the boundaries I need to be truthful and necessary to myself, which at this time is required for MY healing. The truth that is necessary to say is that if I am NOT helping myself heal I am simply hindering myself by allowing myself to be put in situations of demanded respect and understanding by people who no more respects me and my feelings than a roach. Truthful and Necessary to say.. not exactly Kind. Hopefully one day I will get there. If you are looking for Kind.. check back in a year.
· I am definitely a facebooker. Status updates come often and fast never to harm just to get the thought out of my head, and many times I need positive feedback to pull me out of the hole I am digging myself. My true friends never fail to come across with what I need, the others of you ignore it, It is ok. I have no expectations of understanding, and I pray you never ever do.
· I am a confused soul, I was that before the accident, probably have been all my life but later years have made it worse.
· I am still over weight
· I still find negative things to focus on and don’t think I am good enough
So there is part of the homework assignment. I am sure other things will come to me that I still am, because I still am. In reading a book last night part of the ending was a poem that the main character had written. I am going to include it here as it touched me deeply.
Nobody the dead man and Nobody the living
Nobody is giving in and Nobody is giving
Nobody hears me but Nobody cares
Nobody fears me but Nobody just stares
Nobody belongs to me and Nobody remains
No Nobody knows nothing
All that remains are remains
I thought about this for quite awhile last night, it is was hard to read. It was hard to realize that is how I feel most days, most moments. In truth a lot remains.. Especially me. What I have to learn to do is let go of what remains no longer and focus on what does. Many things stopped existing the moment of the accident, but many things remained as well, the trick is learning what to hold on to, grasping at the pieces that slipped away in that horrid moment, or reaching for the pieces that remained firmly in place. Right now, I am neither here nor there, stuck in a limbo of confusing thoughts in my head, reality isn’t real, it is just a place I am at the moment, ever shifting like standing on a mountain side of shad rock, one shift in the wrong direction and you are falling into an abyss of nothingness, but if I am just gain a foot hold on a few things left that are firmly rooted in place, maybe just maybe, I will find who I am again.
Two homework assignments complete, two runs in, and a book finished.. that is at least progress.
Much Love to you all,
De's Mommy
T
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