Hanging out, hanging around, nothing is grounded

8/12/2013

Deanna hanging around at Fox Road Elementary 1997

The wedding is over, everything was beautiful, I cried through the whole thing but hey... I think they knew I would. My brother has a beautiful new bride and our family has gained a wonderful woman as a daughter, sister and friend.

I will admit now that the wedding has consumed a large amount of my time the last couple of weeks, fear that I would ruin it, fear I would panic, just plain fear of it all, and on Saturday morning it was all over and I survived and I did breath a sigh of relief thinking that could spend a little time now working on the crazy tangles that are the thoughts in my head. That had to happen at 3 am this morning of course, woke right up and of course one of the tangles decided to consume me.

I don't want to be here.

I don't want to be on the beach anymore, I don't feel like I belong here anymore. I moved here to find comfort after Little Dustin's accident, this was the only place I found peace. Today, when I am here I want to lock myself in the house, I don't really want to go to the beach, I don't want to go out with my friends, I don't want to go to bootcamp... I just don't want to be on this beach. I want to go to ball games with my daddy and sit in the half a chair and yell at Umps who make REALLY BAD CALLS and remember kick ball from 3rd grade, I want to cut the grass, I want to watch baseball games with my daddy and laugh that they are really watching him. It is so strange, on the day before the accident I went to Mathews, I posted on facebook, I need anxiety pills to leave the beach, today I need them to stay on here. I want to be able to go to Aunt Ann's just because I have 15 minutes so we can talk. I want to toss my board in the East river and just paddle because I can from there, or Horn Harbor but you know what I mean. I want to go to Mark's when I want.. not for 5 minutes because I am in between doing this and doing that because I never have time to slow down anymore! I want to be able to text Tee and say hey.. what ya doing and make plans for an hour from then.. I WANT TO YARD SING! I want to crash Allison's pool and get hugs from Kendal and Cameron. All of these things seem like they are impossible to reach.

And before anyone says.. well.. move. It just isn't quite that easy. First off where do I go? Me I just want to move in with Daddy and figure it out all out. Daddy I am pretty sure would not be 100% thrilled with this. Drake who knows what he thinks or feels, but I know that Mathews School System does not have the Resource classes that have gotten him through the last two years. Personally as long as he has internet he doesn't care where he lives, he will miss youth group but I am sure there are youth groups in Mathews. And the cat what do I do with the cat. Daddy hates cats.. It's Deanna's cat, how do I do something with Deanna's cat!

This always happens to me, and in two years I won't want to be in Mathews, I will want to be somewhere else. I am the most unsettled person that ever was.

I feel hopelessly stuck in a lost world of thoughts and fears and no idea where I belong or where I am going.

I am too far from her here.

I don't want to be here.

So right now I am hanging on for dear life, wondering what will happen next.

I hope everyone's thoughts are not as tangled as mine.
Much Love to all.

De's Mommy

3 Comments

Meg link

8/11/2013 11:30:44 pm

I have heard it said that after a major life event such as the death of a loved one, it is better to avoid making big changes (such as moving) for the first year if possible, or until you sort through all the wild emotions you're experiencing. Not a hard and fast rule, but maybe something to keep in mind. Of course all of those things matter and carry weight in the decision process, but you need to figure out which matters most. If it were me, I would probably be inclined to do what's best for Drake first, yourself second, and the cat last. :-) Of course that's easy for me to say, right? I sympathize, I know it's far from easy right now. Be kind to yourself. xo

Aunt Ann

8/11/2013 11:45:59 pm

Putting it in God's hands that He will direct your paths.

Joann Flege

8/12/2013 01:10:34 am

You're not the most unsettled person on the planet... I assure you of that. You're feeling what's natural for a person to feel at this place in your life, and I think you'd be feeling it no matter where you went right now. Different reasons have led me to places where I no longer wanted to be after time passed and things simmered in my life, but it took many years (and a handful of moves) for me to realize that I wasn't going to the new place - or back to an old one, as I've also done a couple of times - because that is the place where I WANTED to be... I was going there because where I was was where I DIDN'T want to be. See, I told you before that my mind works similarly to yours... the words just come out that way, lol... but I know you know what I mean. All I can say is PRAY and GIVE IT TIME and the answer will reveal itself to you. As hard as it is, I think you know deep down that going somewhere else is not going to make it go away, either. I could be wrong, and I hope it doesn't upset you that I'm saying this. I just see a woman who has been through something tremendously painful and is looking for a brighter horizon but knows that in time the horizon she is naturally geared to gaze toward will, in time, also fade. You are obviously thinking with a clear enough head that your posts reflect this knowledge. I can't tell you that the pain will ever, ever go away... but I'm pretty sure that time and continued prayer is the only thing that will ever ease the weight that sits upon your shoulders at this moment, even if it's just a little bit at a time. Just keep taking each day as it comes and trying to make the best of what you do have there with you, and keep what is best for both you and Drake ever in your mind, as you are clearly doing. I keep thinking of Dori in Finding Nemo... Just keep swimming, just keep swimming... and don't do anything that may make you need more anxiety pills later. You are in my thoughts and prayers always. I know that you will wake up one day to find that neither where you are nor where you've been nor anywhere else you may ever go geographically is where you will find De... because she is not in a place where feet can touch the ground; she is in your heart, and that puts her wherever you are all the time.

Hanging out, hanging around, nothing is grounded

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