I will admit now that the wedding has consumed a large amount of my time the last couple of weeks, fear that I would ruin it, fear I would panic, just plain fear of it all, and on Saturday morning it was all over and I survived and I did breath a sigh of relief thinking that could spend a little time now working on the crazy tangles that are the thoughts in my head. That had to happen at 3 am this morning of course, woke right up and of course one of the tangles decided to consume me.
I don't want to be here.
I don't want to be on the beach anymore, I don't feel like I belong here anymore. I moved here to find comfort after Little Dustin's accident, this was the only place I found peace. Today, when I am here I want to lock myself in the house, I don't really want to go to the beach, I don't want to go out with my friends, I don't want to go to bootcamp... I just don't want to be on this beach. I want to go to ball games with my daddy and sit in the half a chair and yell at Umps who make REALLY BAD CALLS and remember kick ball from 3rd grade, I want to cut the grass, I want to watch baseball games with my daddy and laugh that they are really watching him. It is so strange, on the day before the accident I went to Mathews, I posted on facebook, I need anxiety pills to leave the beach, today I need them to stay on here. I want to be able to go to Aunt Ann's just because I have 15 minutes so we can talk. I want to toss my board in the East river and just paddle because I can from there, or Horn Harbor but you know what I mean. I want to go to Mark's when I want.. not for 5 minutes because I am in between doing this and doing that because I never have time to slow down anymore! I want to be able to text Tee and say hey.. what ya doing and make plans for an hour from then.. I WANT TO YARD SING! I want to crash Allison's pool and get hugs from Kendal and Cameron. All of these things seem like they are impossible to reach.
And before anyone says.. well.. move. It just isn't quite that easy. First off where do I go? Me I just want to move in with Daddy and figure it out all out. Daddy I am pretty sure would not be 100% thrilled with this. Drake who knows what he thinks or feels, but I know that Mathews School System does not have the Resource classes that have gotten him through the last two years. Personally as long as he has internet he doesn't care where he lives, he will miss youth group but I am sure there are youth groups in Mathews. And the cat what do I do with the cat. Daddy hates cats.. It's Deanna's cat, how do I do something with Deanna's cat!
This always happens to me, and in two years I won't want to be in Mathews, I will want to be somewhere else. I am the most unsettled person that ever was.
I feel hopelessly stuck in a lost world of thoughts and fears and no idea where I belong or where I am going.
I am too far from her here.
I don't want to be here.
So right now I am hanging on for dear life, wondering what will happen next.
I hope everyone's thoughts are not as tangled as mine.
Much Love to all.