Category: #shame

Hugs and Heartbreak

5/9/2013

Today I can't seem to get by the fact that the last time I saw you .. you hopped out of the jeep after holding a pot of cabbage for miles, (yea I know.. yuck right) we took the long way back to Anita's because silly me took a wrong turn. That's all I remember. I don't remember the last words I said or you said as you got out, I can't even see you getting out of the jeep. I don't know if I said I love you. I don't remember if you leaned in and gave me a hug or not. I just can't remember. The last thing I do remember is saying "Opps I was supposed to turn back there." I don't remember the moments after that or the rest of the trip, just "Opps I was supposed to turn back there." That was the last time I saw you.

The last time I talked to you I remember the whole conversation. It was a very mature conversation where we discussed options for after the summer. And me stating all the reasons why I thought you staying on here in OBX after the summer was a great option, I knew there were many more opportunities for you here. The problem is I don't remember the end of the conversation, I don't know if I said I love you, I don't know if you said I love you too. I don't remember hanging up. Why is it that I can't remember the most important words and actions. I can't seem to remember living memories, only photographs in my mind. I can't hear your voice. I have tired. The very things I need to hold on to I can't seem to find.

Since I came home I have been tough, I haven't cried much, been a walking disaster but no tears. I keep telling myself I have to hold it together I have to be tough, I have to be strong. That no one needs to see me break. Today I can't stop. I just want to hear "I love you Mommy" even if it's a memory.

To those of you reading this today.. I beg you.. even if you have already, say it every day, annoy them with it, are mad, upset, or haven't spoken to your kid for years.. call them! Tell them you love them and remind them to get their Deanna Hug.

Much Love to you all
De's Mommy

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Open and Honest

5/8/2013

11 Comments

Yesterday I did go to the Dr, by the way Dr Christina Bowen is nothing short of an amazing person and doctor. If she wasn't my doctor she is definitely someone I would have picked as a friend! I already figured out what was wrong with me before I went, yes I am big into self diagnosis because well I hate doctors. Anxiety caused by stress. Well bingo.. Diagnosis correct.

That also unfortunately means taking medication during the day to keep me ...well.. sane. It is a vicious cycle, I start working on something, it doesn't go right, I stress, I start a panic attack, I stress because I am panicking and it gets worse from there. Sadly there is also the unrelated nonunderstandable panic I have set on by just being around too many people at once and no one even has to be doing anything to me. The sound of voices talking all at one time overwhelm me and I can't understand the conversations as I am getting bits and pieces from different conversations as I feel like I am failing everyone talking because I can't focus on what they are saying. There are also many times that ONE person is talking to me and as a good friend put it, they are talking Chinese. It is hard to put into words how this affects me because so many people are trying to be supportive and say kind words and what I hear is .. "kjdfgoi;hfd;fjds. oihsdikjfdkweoi. lksjdflkhdskfh?" to which most of the time I just nod. I am probably nodding to I am fixing cow tongue sauteed with pigs eyes.. would you like some?? That is just how things happen to me.

The other down side is sleep issues, I already had sleeping problems before this, now it is more like I don't have sleeping problems much at all, because I just don't. In order for me to lay down at night I have to practically be crawling down the hall so exhausted I don't really even remember going to bed, or fall asleep in the middle of doing something. This is also a drug induced daily activity. Which also leads back to the cycle of stress, when you don't sleep your body and mind do not cooperate with each other AT ALL.

The brutally honest part, I feel weak, not physically weak (well due to lack of sleep I do) but I am talking emotionally weak. I should be tough, I shouldn't be falling apart, but I am. It makes me feel like a failure as a parent, friend, employee, and bootcamper. I didn't want Drake to see me fall apart, he has. I didn't want to be the daughter that my parents didn't know how to help, I am. I didn't want my friends afraid to approach me or not know what to do to help me, they do. I didn't want to be the employee who can't concentrate all the time or panics over simple tasks, I am. I don't want to be the bootcamper that misses more time that showing up because she is in a full state of drug induces haze at 4:30 am because it is 1 am before she can lay down.. I am. I honestly do not know who I am anymore. 3 weeks ago, I thought I was a good mom, good friend, good employee, and good bootcamper (ok ok at least I tried), now... I am empty. I wonder if life will ever hit a normal again, if bootcamp will feel good and something I can be proud of, if I will ever feel ok to laugh with a friend, if my parents will ever not worry about me losing my mind... these are the things that bother me. These are the reason I feel weak and like a failure.

I am getting help, I am as I said medicated and seeking counseling through my doctor in hopes that talking to someone will help. As my Aunt Ann pointed out yesterday that was INCREDIBLY hard for me as our family as never been much on therapy or issues of the mind. We have been a family of .. be tough.. you will be ok... as JJ would say Walk it Off, I think I could walk to the end of the earth and it wouldn't help. The truth.. I am not tough or ok anymore. I am sharing this with you so not only do you have a little insight as to how I am feeling (because Lord knows I am not going to open my mouth and tell you) but also for those out there that are hurting emotionally and afraid to seek help. I am not going to lie, it is shameful to do, but it is also shameful to have your life fall apart around your feet and not doing a thing to pick it back up.

I pray that soon I can get back to a new normal and back to things that made me me.. bootcamp, friends, family, work... and I hope that each element understands and is patient with me as I pick up all the pieces of my life that were tossed in the air like a horrible game of 52 pick up and sort out where and who I need to be now.

Psalm 119:28 NIV
My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.

Today I speak to the students at Drake's school.. I ask you all to pray that God and Deanna send me the write words to reach these kids in hopes that no other parent has to feel this pain.

Much Love to you all,
De's Mommy

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